Friday, December 31, 2010

2011 wishes and dreams

Thank heavens 2010 is over.  Not that 2010 was horrible, I've had much worse.  But its time I get a year that is filled with happiness, health and fun.

So, what will I do to help achieve that?  As you know, I am all about goals lately so I am using this New Year's eve to have some 'me' time and have a little wine and give my 2011 some serious thought.  

Being single I sometimes fear that not having things to do is preventing me from meeting my real happiness goals.  Granted my Chinese delivery guy is a white guy...I am not meeting my future husband reading or watching TV at home.  So by having mini-goals throughout the year I hope that my universe will align and things will start to fall into place.

These are things I have come up with so far:
  • pick my own berries
  • see an opera
  • lower my blood pressure
  • cook more often (I used to but living alone hasn't seemed 'worth' it)
  • go on at least one date a month
  • send at least X resumes a month
  • do things out of my comfort zone
  • do more things alone
  • take a trip somewhere
  • volunteer more
  • go to a book signing
  • eat healthier
  • ? find a higher paying job?
Of course I have a ton of things on my 'bucket list' page that I can do too.  So it is just a matter of what to do in each month, and I hoped to work on that today but I was busier today than I thought I would be to really work on this.  I would ideally love to have something planned for like 3 or 4 days per week. 

And my new year's resolution?  No group gifts and no planning things for my family!  A little nontraditional yes...but it is a source of stress.  And getting in shape is so overrated.  If I decide to do that, it will be because I am ready/want to not because 90% of the people want to do it in January. 

I am looking for other ideas also, so if you have any - be sure to comment!

Hope you have a happy new year's eve.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My year in Review

Another year is over.  And I sit here and think I didn't really do much.  First I go through my color-coded calendar then I go through my blog posts.  Yeah, I could have done more, so what DID I do with my 365 days?  Aside from the 'usual' (I have standing monthly events like book club, potluck, condo board meeting, scrapbooking, etc) and the games & birthday parties of my nieces and nephews what have I done?

My 2010 was a rough year. I think blogging has helped me and I have been working towards goals for 2011 and hope that 2011 is a great year, not just for me, but for you too!
  • started to blog
  • two dates with small penis guy   here
  • saw SI
  • date with doofy
  • kidney stone
  • Chicago for work (SI decides not to go last minute - which leads to Mexico in May)
  • date with doofy
  • 2 dates with doofy
  • weekend at dude ranch with family.  Played paintball  here
  • Donate blood   here
  • took pole dance class  here
  • singles scavenger hunt NYC. I did it alone..which is a big step for me  here
  • Chicago for work/first professional presentation  here
  • walked Brooklyn bridge  here
  • Family trip to Poconos  here and golf here
  • walked the High Line with SI  here
  • Started with my life coach  here
  • unhappy 4 year anniversary  here
  • KISS concert  here
  • Hampton's for the weekend
  • got a car here
  • take PT job for SI
  • beer tasting  here
  • Boston  here
  • Insulation done in walls of my apartment 
  • Chicago for work
  • Colorado  here
  • sprained ankle  here
  • first college football game
  • saw David Brubeck Quartet with SI
  • second pole dancing class
  • cookie bake/swap
  • goal completed:  read more than 50 books in a year here
  • resignation from SI and blocked SIs chats

Then of course throughout the year I talked about some 'serious' things
and a bunch of other things...check out the labels more more posts based on what you could be interested in but missed out on.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

snooping on partner can mean jail time...

Have you heard about the man on trial for 'snopping' through wife's email?  I was appalled when I heard about this just moments ago. At first, my reaction was....why would he be on the news? What wife would actually press charges?  Then it dawned on me...a guilty one.

I know I am jaded since I have been cheated on.  But the realities seem parallel.  Do you trust your partner? If so, wouldn't s/he have your pass code or you don't have passwords?  Are there things you don't want your special someone to know - why not? 

I am not sure what the vows of marriage are - but being faithful I think is in there...and I am pretty sure when you live together somethings you now share.  If you don't want to share it...then create a really really hard password or create a new email. 

If the password was in the desk drawer - and you lived together...I don't get it.  Just because the lady got caught cheating she needed to get revenge?  Felony misuse of a computer?  That is such bull-shit.  How is it hacking, when he HAD the password?  It wasn't like he sat there for 3 days for 10 hours a day trying random passwords - and finally getting in.  He had it.  Isn't that some sort of consent?

I wish I had SI's password then I would have ended the agony way before I did.  And you what? A few months after I moved out and I was there "visiting" since we were trying to work it out, he set me up on the computer to watch an episode of LOST I missed, and after I checked my email.  Google you don't have to log out, so his popped up.  I then saw so many emails from the mistress. I did read a few since he told me they weren't speaking - but apparently they were engaged for months....and months I mean like WAY before I moved out...six months before to be exact - before I knew she existed.  So snooping was beneficial to catch people in a lie.  Further, after that little bump in the road, a few months later when we were still working it out and he was adamant about helping me trust him again, I asked for snapshots of his email or a temporary password just to check...but that was an impossible task for him since it would only continue to prove him more guilty.   And is it really snooping when you LIVE together? When you are MARRIED? I think not. 

If you aren't guilty, you wouldn't care.  I really hope this guy doesn't get 5 years in jail!

I keep wondering why the law is constantly protecting the more guilty.  So, I snooped through credit card statements and discovered a secret life that my 4 year live in boyfriend had. - So, what, I would go to jail? Isn't that more insult to injury? He already gets the breakup - and then throwing the faithful one in jail? UGH I am getting more annoyed writing so I have to stop...but you catch my drift.

Dear Fellow MTA commuters

Dear Fellow MTA commuters,

Welcome back to real life.  I know you are all anxious to get to work after being stranded home with your wonderful families yesterday since trains were not running.  I give you kudos for making it to the train station- but once you got there I am not sure how you survive.  I know two trains an hour seems like such a sacrifice already and then making it a local on top of that plus super slow movement is enough to make all you already stressed people more stressed.   It didn't help that our train was an additional 20 minutes late this morning.  When the train arrived at the station, I was shocked to see all the pushing to get on.  I am not sure if you NEEDED that last seat on the train or if you wanted to watch to see how many people you can get to fall on their asses - but relax, the train wasn't going to leave you there (at least not at our stop).  Also, you should know by now that standing in the vestibule by the door is not smart. 

As we start our very slow ride to the next stop and people are trying to get on...don't you stop and think what it would feel like if that was YOU trying to wedge between people?  Why can't you just walk to the middle of the train, like me, and stand there so there won't be so much pushing at every stop and waiting? Speaking of waiting...did you notice how long we were at each stop today?  The doors were open for a good 5+ minutes...for people that are in such a rush and complain about how late to work you are going to be.  I would think you would be smart enough to realize YOU are one of the problems.  By not placing yourself in a smarter location (ie near the middle) you are making it longer for others to load the train. Also for those of you at later stops - as you are pushing your way onto a packed train, and you hear the announcement there is not one, but TWO trains only 10 minutes behind that have more room (because this train was very late)- why wouldn't you wait for that? If I wasn't in stuck in the middle I would have gotten off so I wouldn't have felt like a sardine.  Do you really accomplish anything more by squeezing in to save 10 minutes? You do realize that once we get to Grand Central, it will take longer to get off the train since it will be like a swarm of bees - all at once. I am surprised no one was trampled to death.

I understand the need for personal space, but you must realize there are extenuating circumstances that at times make it more difficult but you get all huffy puffy that people are evading your personal space when you refuse to budge an inch.  Speaking of personal space, I would like to thank two gentlemen on train #9013 who started a pushing match.  I know the ghetto guy was rude about making his way onto the train and I am sure the other gentleman moved a centimeter - but to act like kids yelling and pushing each other?  What is wrong with you?  And further...for the one man who was brave enough to interfere - I don't think saying a form of FUCK 50 times helped the matter - and just made the ghetto man even more pissed off.  

Further, on our very crowded train, I noticed many young men and women sitting.  I know you guys were on the first stops of the train and lucked out...but for those of you in the isle seats - did it ever occur to you to let someone with grey hair who looks old and fragile sit down? Of course you didn't.  You saw him, but pretended not to as you peaked up from your Ipad or Kindle before pretending to be too busy.  Shame on you.  I really hope that when you are still commuting in 30 years no one moves for you - and you mumble under your breath how the young people are so rude they don't get up for you...but I hope you realize that you didn't either so it isn't anything new.  (*Oh and don't forget the pregnant ladies)

We have been commuting for quite some time now, and have had other instances where the trains are delayed/overcrowded - haven't you learned these lessons? I hope the next time you are smarter and more understanding about these things. 
Common courtesy has been forgotten.

I applaud the MTA - while they got a lot of crap for shutting down yesterday and having these tremendous delays - we can't forget they are helping us by not putting us in unsafe conditions.  No one wants to be stranded on a train in the cold with no electricity and no one wants to derail.  And if they were operational and these crazies were on there, they would be bitching and moaning about something else.  I doubt that 90% of my fellow riders this morning enjoyed their day off yesterday.  Granted the shoveling took hours but how many actually played in the snow with the kids/wife and feel young again?  My fellow need to relax on occasion and not get pissed off at things that are so beyond your control and figure out how to deal with things like overcrowded, slow trains and a double long commute.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

You mustn't be a nurse

Another work story you'll think is alright.  I get a call a little while ago:

Me: Good Morning, XXXXX (company name), this is Denise
Crazy:  Is this YYYYY?
Me: No, as I just said, this is XXXX.  we are not YYYYY that is a different organization.
Crazy: YYYY does blah blah.
Me:  Yes, I know that, but that is a different company. you need to call them directly. I don't have their phone number.
Crazy:  {starts yelling about something, but honestly I am not listening...after all this isn't for me}
Me:  There is no reason to yell.
Me: really? It sounds like you are raising your voice at me.
Crazy:  Do you check your voice mails?
Me: Yes, occasionally. Twice a week or more. (which is a lie, I check about once a week because there is no point to check more often)
Crazy:  Well, I called 10 days ago and you didn't call me back. It is unacceptable that you didn't return my call.  Are you a nurse?
Me: No I am not.
Crazy: I didn't think so, you are stupid and an unconscionable person.  {then she gets super loud and yells and starts rambling on and on}
Me: excuse me. 
Me: Just call the other people and stop yelling, I don't need to deal with this shit. (yes, I did say shit on the phone at work)  Then I hang up on her.

But what I wanted to say to this crazy, if she ever shut up would have been "Lady, you should get your ears checked.  You are trying to blame me when you are locating a different company. Even if you did call last week (I don't have a record of that in my log) you would have heard our voicemail that CLEARLY states our companies name.  If you were listening you should have realized you called the wrong company and then took the initiative to do your own research to find out the phone number of the agency you want to call - instead of just waiting for people to hand you information.  Modern technology has been great, and finding a phone number for a company is easy just by going to their website.  It is not my fault that you haven't located the number that you want to call.  So, I didn't return your call - I really don't need to waste my time to returning wrong numbers since you should have heard it and/or not waited 10 days to make a second call, or even found the number you were looking for in the mean time.  So shut up and start taking responsibility for your own actions.

*So, I am not a nurse. But I am not stupid. Far from it.  Not only do I have an advanced degree, but I have common sense too. Additionally I am also somewhat 'professional' in that I do not think it is necessary to yell and scream at people - isn't that what bullies do? I am no bully.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I see the Moon and the Moon sees me

I went to bed really early last night.  I got into bed at 9pm because I knew I would not be getting a full night sleep; I had plans in the middle of the night with the moon.  However I awoke at 10:15pm with an issue and fell back to sleep around 11.  Didn't sleep all that well until 2:30am when my alarm went off.  I grabbed a sweater, a jacket, a camera and then I my car keys.  I drove to a parking lot and parked the car to watch the moon since I decided it was probably too cold to sit outside for an hour. 

I get to the site around 2:38 and wait til 2:45 when the moon was supposed to begin the full eclipse.  I am in this deserted parking lot staring up into the sky and a police car pulls in and loops around. I think - well I know he won't give me a ticket to watch the eclipse - but what if he is cute and I have bed head, didn't brush my teeth, didn't grab my wallet or phone...but he just looked at me and moved on - like it is normal to sit in a car in a parking lot to watch the eclipse...but what choice do you have when you live in an apartment building and don't have a balcony or if you did facing the wrong direction?   I see a few other cars on the street and wonder if they realize an eclipse is happening...don't they want to look at it?  When I look at the sky- the moon and stars - it always amazes me in the sense of how grand our universe is. It is also peaceful seeing the tiny lights shine and no one is around. Anyway, I contiue to watch a little more but realize it would be better to have company to make it more fun but head home earlier than expected.

At 3am I was home...watching the change is slow, and I was tired and antsy.   I look at the Internet and realize that at 3:17 was when the amber color was supposed to be seen at its brightest.  I make it a point to go back outside at 3:15 - this time just running across the street in my ultra thin pajama paints and a sweater.  Stayed out there a few minutes but it started to get cloudy and the wind was picking up so Iran back inside to warmth of my bed.

This is what they claim you should have been able to see last night....this picture was taken in VA and was printed by the associated press. The link is below.  This is what I was willing to loose sleep to see.
However, this is what I saw:  Granted it was a bit better in person and my camera's zoom isn't quite like that of NASA and other scientific companies.   The moon did have an amber glow to it, but I thought it was very soft. I had hoped for more.

I try to make it a point every year to mark my calendar with meteor showers and eclipses so when time goes by - I see an 'fun' thing to do that night.  I usually am the one telling others about what to see and the times to see it. 

Last night's full lunar eclipse was 'special' in a way that it happened to fall on the winter solstice, which last happened in 1638 and will next happen in 2094.   The next full lunar eclipse to be seen from the continental US will not happen again until April 15, 1014 according to NASA but partial eclipses will be seen each year with the next one in June 2011.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Poisoning my co-workers one grain of sugar at a time

After my volunteer four hour shift wrapping gifts to raise money for Child Abuse, I went home and make 4 types of cookies for my co-workers and the two building concierges that I like.  Nothing fancy this year - Chocolate Chip, Red Velvet Chocolate Chip, Oatmeal Raisin and Magic Bars: classic cookies that are fast to make and tasty.  In the past I try to make something new, something different (Macadamia nut, double chocolate, thin mints, Oatmeal with M&Ms and chocolate chips, etc) and since I love to cook/bake and I can't possibly eat everything I make - I share it.  This year I was not sure if I'd bother with cookies since I am not feeling the Christmas Spirit, but a fellow co-worked asked me if I would be doing it this year, and really - how can I say no? 

I picked up this cute snowman container and loaded a dozen or more of each cookie in there and wrapped the cookies for the concierges in their own containers.   Who doesn't like a sweet treat during the work day? No one, which is why I brought more cookies for the snowman to refill mid-day.  Sometimes, I even bring in more cookies the next day (same kinds) because they go so fast and really I don't need them tempting me to eat them at home.

Then I started to think...why is it OK to give people homemade treats at Christmas but not at Halloween? Is it just because Halloween is a 'scary' holiday and with scary comes poison? 

Most women elect to use poison as a means to kill someone.  The poison can take a long time to kill and used to be harder to detect. Now with all the testing, one needs to be super clever to actually pull it off.   I am not ready to murder my co-workers even the three I can't stand, but does baking for them count as poisoning since there is all this chatter about how horrible flour and sugar are for people?  Ah, they are adults and they can demonstrate their will power not to eat if they didn't want that extra intake of sugar & flour...but guaranteed they will all have at least 4 cookies today (and some probably closer to 10).

Anyway I just got really off track - point is, even though I am not feeling Christmasy this year, but in the last few days I have really tried to do good so others can enjoy the holiday even more. And really, isn't that what it is all about?

P.S.  I can't wait for Sunday. And I give the Jewish population and all those other ethnic groups who don't celebrate Christmas a lot of credit.  You can't escape Christmas.  The radio, the stores, the people. It is so out of control.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Good Grief

Many don't realize how complicated grief is and the process that goes along with it.  While everyone deals with the timing of the steps differently, all must endure the fully cycle to heal.  Most claim there are five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

but I like the seven steps better since I feel more in line & it resonates more with me:

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance & Hope

I have went through some of these steps out of order.  But I am proud to tell you that the anger that I was missing in my grieving process was missing for the last four years. However, in the last month or two, I have been angry and in an odd way - it makes me happy. So while I cry in pain I am also crying in happiness at the same time.  Once the anger goes away - and I am simultaneously working on reconstruction and hope - I will be all better. 


Hopefully I will be fully healed in a few months and start my new journey. My new life.

For those of you that will grieve, know that it can take a LONG time. Longer than others realize until they are in a similar situation.  Don't listen to them about what you are supposed to feel or the timing - they don't know and may not understand.  Good luck. 

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Not spreading enough holiday cheer

Last week I had a wonderful idea, but it didn't work out since it was too last minute.  When did I become the last minute type? I used to be plan plan plan...early early early.  Now, I do like to plan, but at the last minute.  I think after my breakup I developed a huge fear of commitment, and I don't even mean with men.  Anything new I worry about or anything I am not sure about - I am not willing to commit to unless I have nothing else going on because what if it sucks?

So, this past week, I remembered that I wanted to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I figured with the holidays most of the people would be spending the day with family, and more volunteers would be needed.  When I called one near me the lady was all surprised I would even call 2-3 weeks early and expect it not to be filled up.  I know I can do some mid-year but that defeats the whole point of why I wanted to do it on the holiday first.  See, being single on a holiday is hard.  My immediate family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve since Santa comes that night and they each have their own Christmas morning with their families.  Then later on that day most of us get together with extended what does one do when they don't have their own family?  I have spent the night/morning with my sisters watching their kids open presents, but this year I wasn't really feeling it. I am a scrooge remember? Being with their families is loud and chaotic, and most times there is some sort of meltdown about not getting something - and I already endure that on the eve for about 5 hours.  I thought this year would be different, I would embrace being single and help the community so I won't cry that morning.  I was being selfish. I wanted to help heal me by helping others and was disappointed that I couldn't this year. So I will look into it more for midyear to maybe guarantee me a spot next year.

So I look into the volunteer website and find a cause I can contribute to - abused children.  Well, anything where anyone is abused I am all about helping them.  So this particular volunteer work was wrapping presents for a few hours at a store that I was never at.   Before I start, I would like to let you know that I worked retail for several years when I was younger.  OK, so I get to this store and wrapping presents is self explanatory, but I never was there before and the staff barely told me what to do - as in what size boxes, how they liked things wrapped, etc.  My first 'customer' was a real pain in the butt wanting the cheapest gifts wrapped separately and changing her mind about box/no box, color wrapping paper, etc.  In the three hours I worked, my 'tips for the children' was about $52 and that was only for 6 paying customers.  I had about 5 people not donate anything - which is OK, it was free but the suggested donation was $3.  I go back tomorrow for a 4 hour AM shift.  I have to say I was disappointed by this effort.  I had hoped wrapping presents would have been for the abused children when they get presents this week - but I get this was a fundraiser (which I do not believe was said in the short ad) and my efforts helped those kids one way or another.  I believe the group started this from Thanksgiving - Christmas, and I can't image this fundraiser makes a ton of money if they only do it in one store.  Also the staff was so slow and didn't speak to me the whole time I was there, even though I was behind the register constantly telling people I didn't work there but was volunteering for the abused children - while the girls just gabbed on and on.  I understand that for $10 an hour they are not super friendly and are slow in their work since they might not be able to really achieve more than that, but the really slow three hours I was there I was dreading going back tomorrow for 4 hours. Although after my shift is over, I might just purchase a few other gifts.

Last week I also tried to get information about volunteering for the salvation army, the red cross and a local abused women's place - which have lots of different types of opportunities that I look forward to helping out with.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I am happy for you...really I am

I love "How I met your mother" but I swear the writers telepathically get their ideas from my head.  OK OK, so maybe they get the ideas first, but when I watch the show, the timing of the events coincide so much with my life.

For instance, on Monday I was going to blog about how one feels when they find out a friend is pregnant.  I didn't get around to blogging about it that day because I was busy.  And guess what? That is exactly what HIMYM was about that evening.  When the gang finds out Marshall and Lilly are pregnant, they each have their own thoughts about their lives.  I won't say more since you may have already watched it or don't like the show - but I will tell you about me and why I was happy that this show touched upon what few will admit.  

I've mentioned a few times, that it is hard watching everyone else move on with their lives.  In the last 4 1/2 years I have seen people date and marry, divorce and have children. I have seen many younger than me marry and start families, and I am happy for them, but honestly I am jealous.  I know many people feel that way, but few admit it.  But there it is. I am jealous that some of these people are secure enough in their lives to take the next steps.  They first started dating, then they apparently had a decent enough job to save money for a house - a house big enough for a family, and then they start having children. 

You all know that a family has been my desire for at least 10 years. I never stopped hoping for a husband or a child.  And watching everyone else make that happen, it hurts because I came ridiculously close, but it hasn't happened yet. It makes me realize that not only will I be an old parent (which I always feared) but I may never get where they are.  I am not going talk about the green grass on the other side...and you shouldn't too. It isn't about that.  It is about my personal failings in life. My wrong decisions that landed me where I am now. My realization that realistically being a single parent in NY is not possible and I need that other person to help get the nicer place to live and provide for the future family and wondering if that other person will find me before I am too old to have decent sex.

When you find out someone is getting married,  having a baby, or got an amazing job you really start to think about your life. I am happy for my friends and acquaintances for a few moments but then I need a few moments to hold back my tears before I can be happy for them again.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

No one to blame but yourself

I started to work on my goals for 2011, trying to plan what to add and when to do them. Trying to break down my life goals and my 30s goals to more manageable pieces. Give me a little to do each month.  I didn't get too far. See, I am great at planning - but lately I am not so great at follow through.  I can plan and plan but never actually DO it.  I think smaller pieces is key.

Lately my depression is coming back. I know one of the reasons, and I am trying to cut that out of my life. I just need a tad bit more time. Coupled with this is my desire and quest for love.  I wonder if I ever really been loved.  I wonder if it was all an illusion. There can be no way that love, years later makes you feel worthless.  Giving me the constant thought and reminder of which Thomas Mann said best with "He who loves more is the inferior and must suffer".  Why should love make you suffer? Why should one person have such control over your thoughts and emotions?  The answer is obvious - it shouldn't.  But the reality, is that it does.

Instead of moving on as many of you have said, I have been stuck in this rut.  I know I am not in love with someone, especially when that anger is [finally] starting to catch up to me.  When I see that person and his actions piss me off.  When I look at him and think - what was I thinking? What am I thinking?  When you try hooking up and you realize it isn't doing anything for you and you wish they would just go. The realization is FINALLY hitting me...but yet, I am addicted to it.  And it isn't for love. It is for acceptance.

Why acceptance?  Well, I could make this really long and even turn it into a book, but what it boils down to is that is what we learned since we were little.  Go to school, make friends - be accepted, be nice to your elders, teachers, etc -gain their approval.  It has been drilled in our heads from such a young age.  So naturally as adults, for the most part we want acceptance too.   Is there anything worse than wanting something so much and not getting it?  What do you do? You try.  Maybe you save your pennies and buy it.  Maybe you try and try and try and hope to achieve it.  It becomes a quest. It becomes something you just do even without thinking about it.  Next thing you know, you become obsessed with the idea.  At times it isn't the most prevalent thing on your mind, but it is always there. 

That is what I have done.  I have taken something so ridiculous (a breakup) and turned it into so much more.  But for the average person it should not have been this difficult.  It either works or it doesn't.  In my case, which is slightly different, said person played some mental games, said things that were extremely misleading, and said things that while they knew 100% what I wanted just told me things they thought I wanted to hear without really believing them himself.  So what happens? I believe these things are true and I go on thinking that it will be OK, because after all he said they would be.  I didn't invent those words, I am just going with what I thought should happen.  Because of this, I didn't let me feeling go away. I insisted on holding on to them.  I needed to hold onto them to remember - so when it was all OK, I would be OK. But unfortunately, it was never OK, and I was stupid enough to allow the nonsense to go on for too long.

Guilt is a big player in this too. While to others guilt seems like a crazy notion to have with this situation, it is there, and it is big. What could I possibly be feeling guilty over? Not living up to some one's expectations, letting myself down, not sticking to something, not succeeding in something you wanted and even more so, the guilt he made me feel on a regular basis. The guilt that should not have been guilt - for I did nothing to deserve it. The guilt I feel is the workings of a psychopath brainwashing. Wanting to make some one happy and not being able to succeed. The constant challenge. The constant notion that you will never be good enough, no matter how hard you try. Naturally what do you do? You try to prove them wrong.

After a while, you forget you don't love someone because you have been tricking yourself into thinking you do for so long.  Time passes by and you are still where you were years before.  He is still in the picture because you have allowed him to be.  At first you refused for him to leave that picture, because how can it all turn out OK if he wasn't there?  Even if that meant keeping things secret.  You would try to get rid of him, but he becomes insistent, further declaring his love for you and the need for more time.  There are a few times you have the "we are never speaking again" conversation and it is like a breakup all over again. So final.  After many brief periods of not speaking you somehow find your way to speaking terms again.  All your progress diminishes, while his time is further spent getting on with his life, but keeping you around 'just in case' and never telling you that he has no desire for a future.

Then one day, you are hanging out talking and you realize just how far he has come.  The complete opposite of everything he has always said.  The fear you had all along about loosing him.  Knowing full well that he isn't even good enough for you after everything that has happened.  In this time, you have also attempted, even if it is a bad small attempt, to see what else is out there. But your progress isn't where it should be.

And that makes you both sad and mad. 

Friendship was never one of my attainments with him. I never wanted it, I told him that several times.  My goal was to have him or not to have him.  He didn't want me out of his life, so he kept telling me we'd be together eventually.  Even now mentioned we were 'friends' and I was shocked. No, never what I wanted. How could I possibly be friends with this person after what they did to me?  How could I possibly subject myself to hearing about who he is dating, sleeping with, marrying and about his children and his happy life?  Not until I am happy am I willing to even think about 'friends'.

I know you have no one to blame but yourself.  And I do blame me. Everyday.  I shouldn't have believed all those lies.  But more important, I should have been stronger and now allowed him to woo me with words that he didn't mean.  What he did was wrong; I will never think it wasn't. No one should ever hurt you in that kind of way (or of course in worse ways). But it is my fault it got out of hand.  The obsession needs to stop.  And starting will. 

Anyway, going back to my goals for 2011 - perhaps I should start finding ways to find a way to have at least 3 dates a month.  And hopefully you won't have to read anything more about SI.

(I am posting this on SI's birthday as a reminder to me that I have goals about guys to attain.  Last year I went on my first day with a brand new guy on his bday...that helped a little.  Too bad it didn't work out because his penis was too small)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Nature Made Sleep: A review

After at least 9 years of trouble sleeping, I finally put away my stubbornness for taking medication, and went to CVS to buy sleeping pills.  After barely sleeping this past week, I didn't think to do research BEFORE I went in, I didn't think there would be a lot to choose from.  I was wrong.  I spent 10-15 minutes reading the packaging. What to get? Since I don't like taking pills, I opted for the 'natural' or more natural stuff.  $12.99 for 30 gel capsules (one pill per use, so its for 30 events).
I couldn't wait to take it on Wednesday.  At exactly 9pm, I popped one in my mouth.  I went to bed about 30 minutes later.  AND, nothing.  I still feel asleep the same way as usual.  This did not make me tired.  AND I woke up in the middle of the night like I have been for some months now.  I woke up even MORE exhausted. 

Not giving up I decided to try again last night.  This time I took it at 8:30pm and went straight to bed. I figured even if it doesn't work, being in bed will hopefully catch me up on my sleep that I haven't gotten all week...and I have a busy weekend, so who cares that I went to bed before many school children.   I am upset to say that once again, this pill did not make me tired and did not keep me asleep and it did not make me feeling refreshed.  In fact, last night I woke up several times.  The good thing about it, was that I was more relaxed and I seem to remember my dreams since I think I am sleeping but awake (if that makes any sense).

If I went onto the website and looked around, I could have found a coupon for $2 off (see their site for printable coupons) or decided for a less expensive sleeping pill (as opposed to a sleeping aid).

Counting sheep? Doesn't work.  Focusing on one color? Doesn't work.  Counting backwards? Doesn't work.  And no, my sleep issue is not stress related.  I've had that too, but this is different.  I am happy to report, that my life isn't very stressful right now.

Update (12/31/10) - I have used the pills another two times this week, I do feel like it is working a little bit better.  Today I am at the point that I am relaxed and it is making me a little sleepy and I hope to fall asleep quickly.  I figured, if I still had 27 pills left I might as well keep using them!  So, if you do try the pills, don't give up after the first pill. But they do not keep me asleep so waking in the middle of the night is still a problem.

Update (4/14/11) - My insomnia has returned so I decided to take one of these pretty blue pills again last night.  Within 15 minutes my eyes were starting to close and I yearned for my bed.  I fell asleep so fast but my insomnia is so strong that I still woke up at 2:30am and I was tired when I woke and had a bit of a grogginess for several hours.  Of course, you are SUPPOSED to get like eight hours of sleep when taking an aid/pill, and since I didn't I think I was just more bleek today.  Maybe I am just at the point in my life where I only need 4-5 hours of sleep.  I am starting to like the pills even more to at least relax me enough to fall asleep quickly.  Hopefully tonight I can get a bit more rest and will try the pill again.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's official, I am a scrooge

I know I don't like the holidays anymore.  But I hope it is temporary.  See, being single around Christmas and New Years is very depressing.  I see all the couples being lovey, going away, buying neat gifts, spending time at each other families houses, etc.  I see the kids opening up presents and being happy or complaining they don't like it.  I don't know what is worse hearing all the noise and chaos or waking up alone those holiday mornings or on NYE night.

To top it all off, I don't like how materialistic Christmas has gotten. It has never been one of my favorite holidays after I turned 16.  I grew up where Santa came and brought several - many presents but not all HUGE presents, like a TV (which I was not allowed to have).  But now, it seems like the kids I know are so spoiled with gifts. My nephews many times have thrown my present down and said they hated my awesome gift...they want to know why I didn't get them a Wii or some other ridiculous gift Aunt's don't give unless they had millions.  I don't want to raise my future kid like that...and I don't know how to explain to my future kid that their Santa is different then everyone else's.  My Santa is going to give like 2-3 nice gifts and the rest (which will be a few) will be from me and maybe the child's father, if he has one or is in the picture. I will try to reinforce the needy and helping others instead.  The good thing about having a different Santa then my sisters Santa is that my sisters kids will be grown by the time I get around to having a child  :(

Anyway, I think I am nice when it comes to giving gifts. I generally never stick to my budget and pay for that for a few months.  I keep adding on presents for my parents (mostly because I can't thank them enough for all their help and I never think what I get is enough...but then again I am broke).  I don't like to holiday shop, but I still go to the stores occasionally to see things 'in person' as opposed to just shopping on the Internet.  I am even a nice enough person to go last minute shopping with a family member to help them finish THEIR shopping...AND I am nice enough to stay up till two am Christmas morning to wrap presents with one sister.  

While out holiday shopping, I tend to buy things for me because I can.  I'd rather get myself things I need when my parents ask what I want, for the most part there is nothing I NEED at the moment. I have everything a single person can possibly need and more.  So this year I asked for either bed bug mattress pads, a $38 gift certificate for electrolysis or a kitchen back splash). Nothing crazy and nothing I can't get myself. If I can visualize what my future would look like - maybe I could ask for a crib for my future kid? Or a patio set that I will need in 8 years when I finally get a place that has outdoor space.

BUT what it comes down to is this time of year I get cranky. The crankiness is from being single, how crazy every one else gets around this time a year and an overall despise for what these holidays have become.  It doesn't help I am in NYC which gets flooded with tourists and people in general just seem to get on my nerves.  Even at work I am overly annoyed with the stupidity of so many people (as evident in some of my posts).  But I spoke with one of my clients, the president of the one of the boards I work for.  We were chatting and I was telling him about a mean email I had to send out...then some other annoying news...and then I start telling him I think he should reconsider an appointment of a board member.  So by the end of the conversation not only did he ask me who pissed me off, he called me a scrooge and told me he hoped for every one's sake the holidays ended soon so I can be nicer again.

Oh, right, I should add that I am not decorating my apartment either.

So, it is official, I am a scrooge.

Gotta love it.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bank Boy helps me find a job

Bank Boy has made a little appearance again.  He approached me about perhaps working at his company. If I were hired, he would get some sort of bonus.  Since I was thinking about finding a new job I figured why  not?  So, this job at a huge company would mean longer hours and more stress but for more pay...but it is probably worth it at this point.  [Bank Boy & I worked together 11 years or so ago - but this time at least not in close proximity]

I have went the last four years not looking for a new job because I was hoping to find a relationship and spend time on me.  Unfortunately, the lack of money has affected me even worse, mostly because I do not have money to go out with. Work a second job or just a more stressful job and have less free time? 

I attempted to think I would work for SI doing something on the side a few hours here or there.  It would have been ideal, but it just does not seem to be working.  So, I told Bank Boy that I would send my resume over to him to pass along to the recruiters.  His company likes to see accomplishments which I really don't have many of, but I modified the resume a little and emailed it to him.

A week later I follow up to ensure he got it.  He did.  But, he also took the liberty to FIX my resume.  It isn't that I didn't try - I had about 4 people review it and provide feedback in the last 3 months.  But for him to just change things and send it?  HELLO?  Sure, I get he was trying to help - but still tell me.  What if his changes were good and I want them in my current file?  What if he had typos or his edits ruined the page layout?  What if they called me for an interview and asked about something that was on there that I didn't know about? 


(I did ask him to send me the file/email of what he fixed so I can either add to my current resume or at least know what he did)

Monday, December 6, 2010

He called me Chill

I was out with an old high school friend.  After not seeing someone for so many years, you never really know how to be.  Of course, you are supposed to be yourself, and you are a version of that...however, you don't want to talk to much, you don't want to share to much, you tone it down.  Or at least I do. I am a quieter version of me when I am with people I don't know so well or that I haven't seen in a long time.

I am also super relaxed and go with the flow.  My personality makes me a leader in many ways...but when possible, I just want to enjoy the moment and not take the lead and make desisions all the time.  Being relaxed and down to earth was actually a trait that both of my ex's loved about me and something I really don't think about since it is just who I am.  I forget that some girls are so high maintenance, high energy, fake or whatever.

So I am hanging out with the friend. It goes well.  We hang out again a few months later and it is better since some of that awkwardness is gone.  And all of a sudden he is like, "Denise, you are so chill".  It sounds funny and it sounds a little ghetto.  But, I took it as a compliment.

Friday, December 3, 2010 Review

As I mentioned earlier this week, I use groupon.  This past week there was a deal - $15 off a $30 purchase at  I quickly checked that site and thought something would make for a cute Christmas present so I purchased the groupon.  Today however, when I am putting items in my cart - I realize I am short on the free shipping by 5 cents.  What do to?  Do I add another $35 item. So I spent another 20 minutes preplanning my gifts.  I had hoped to use the groupon and a 15% discount but nope, can't do that  the groupon is not like a credit/giftcard, it is a promo code AND with it being a promo code the free shipping standard on $75+ is no longer valid, but I was eligible for a shipping refund through another site which I was not going to sign up for. 

This groupon was starting to cost me a lot of money.  So I redo my basket yet again.  I take out the naming a star since I worried I would get a star in the Southern Hemisphere that we can never see.  I rearrange my basket again and don't get the bags that were $5 off, and go with the full priced ones and  I doubled my bags (picture).  OK so these bags are expensive since they are just bags.  $39.95 for 5.  But I thought I can separate the 10 bags into 3 gifts - call me cheap but I don't know the people so well I am giving them to! And well, I am 99% broke anyway.

Fuming that this is now taking me 90 minutes, I call Red Envelope and complain about the shipping reimbursement.  Lady tells me that nope, I can not combine coupons that I would need to be reimbursed by the other outside site.  I try explaining that they can't take away the standard free shipping just because I have a coupon. Sure, I get I can't get an additional 15% but the shipping? No.  I'd rather loose the $15 then deal with that.  After being on hold 4 times, the lady tells me now that 'we are having problems with the shipping not showing up at checkout so I will manually reimburse you the difference". Yeah, Thank you.

I probably shouldn't have rushed into this purchase.  I didn't read the fine print. But even if I did, I am sure it would not have said no free shipping.  Also, I hate when the websites all have .95 cents so when you try to get your free shipping, you are off by pennies and they don't offer anything for $1 and the cheapest things they have at like $15 you don't want. 

I hope the bags are nice!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

"I know how to do my job"

Another work story:

On Monday this guy calls the office.  He needs to reinstate his certification which lapsed last year for not paying his dues.  We sent him at least two notifications before suspending him last year - which he ignored. So today, he needs to speak to me about a "VERY SERIOUS MATTER" to reinstate his certification.  He explains he now needs it for the hospital and explains to me what I need to do to fix this for him now.  I explain it can't be done immediately, that he needs to pay the money by check or credit card (all very standard stuff).  He gets all mad because he sent in a check last week which was returned because he used he wrong address...and now he is further delayed.  I inform him that he did not call last week and ask me the address, that our address is on all our letterhead, envelopes, website, etc and that although it is unfortunate, he still needs to send money before I will notify the hospital of his certification (we get a lot of declines and bounced checks).  Additionally I remind him that this is not an urgent matter on our end.  We sent out our bills on time, we sent out suspension notices on time he was the one that disregarded them and therefore his account became suspended.  If he didn't default he would not be in this situation and it would not be a rush on his end either.  He then proceeds to tell me what to do.  I say, "Yes, thank you but I know how to do my job".  He said he did not mean it like that.  Of course I said "but that is what you just said. You were explaining to me what you want done, like I don't know what I am doing...but our policy is clear and because you don't like it does not mean I am not doing my job".   Angrily he gave me his credit card number and hangs up.

He calls again on Wednesday to ask if it was processed. I said 'no, unfortunately the lady that processes credit cards has the flu and has not been in the office the last two days".  He says, "Well when will she be in?"  I laugh a malicious laugh and say "HA HA. Hmm, probably when her fever brakes and she isn't vomiting".  He did not like that answer, but really - how the hell am I supposed to know when she will return.  Perhaps I should have offered to give him her number so he can ask her himself (of course I would NOT give out any one's personal telephone number...but just to get a reaction would be priceless).

Thursday my co-worker is in.  I tell her about this guy and then I call him to tell him we can run his credit card.  "Hi Dr. X, I wanted to let you know that coworker is in today - boy does she still look bad, but what a trooper.  Anyway, if you would like, I will have her process the credit card for you today".  Doctor "SEE, THIS IS WHY I ASKED YOU YESTERDAY WHEN SHE WILL BE IN. UGH, I mailed a check yesterday". Me- "Unfortunately I have not passed my psychic test yet - so again, there was NO WAY I could possible have known if she was going to come in today.  I am calling to give you that option since you are so concerned about this, I am doing you a favor."

I am not sure if I am mean, rude or funny, but some people I just don't get.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A few of my FAVORITE things, part 3

With the holiday's approaching you might be looking for some gift ideas for you or for others.  So, let my favorites continue.  My first installment is here and the second is here.

Roomba.    I love my roomba. I wrote about it on my blog soon after I used it. Read here. This little device is  awesome for lazy people or people that are busy.  I vacuum my apartment one room at a time when I leave the house.  As much as I love it, next time I would get the higher model where you can schedule it to clean.  Irobot has a few different varieties, including ones for pets.

Groupon.  I have spoken about this website in the past.  It is a great place to for discounts on local things.  The first time I purchased was for a pole dance class.  There are so many daily discounts for restaurants, stores, etc.  Even better for me is that they started one a bit closer and I hope I will be able to use groupon even more.  Groupon has 164 cities they are currently working with to provide one amazing deal of the day.  The way it works is that you get the deal if so many other people agree to it - there is always a minimum number to get the deal.  If you want to sign can click this link it is my referral link.  Anyway, check out their site to see if they have deals in your area.

Kitchen Aid KSM150PSER Artisan Series Stand Mixer with Pouring ShieldKitchen Aid Mixer.  I bake often and the kitchen aid mixer helps do the job.  The first time I used it, I made chocolate chip cookies, and I swear they tasted better because the ingredients were blended better.  I love the quality and durability of the mixer.  I have used all three of the attachments.  I love that you can put ingredients in and walk away for a few moments and it keeps working. I love that my hands don't vibrate because of a hand mixer.   I keep looking into getting accessories for it such as the pasta maker pieces or ice cream bowl, but I haven't so far.

The Little Penguin Wine.  I found this wine at a super small liquor store.  I don't know much about wines, so I picked by label. I like penguins.  I was very surprised how much I enjoyed the wine.  It was super reasonable in price, if not borderline cheap.  I hope to go back and buy some by the case.

Cetaphil.  My skin is super sensitive.  I have used lot of soaps/cleaners/medicines and for about 10 years I have been using Cetaphil to wash just my face.  I love. it.  It smells so clean, it lasts a long time and it does not irritate my face.  I generally use it just in the morning (and when I remember to, I use Proactive in the evening - not on a regular basis).

Glass Plus.  I have granite counter tops in my kitchen.  The best product so far I have found to clean it is glass plus.  Nothing super fancy, but nothing damaging to the sealant.