so let's see....Doofy got married last month. Old Man went to Antigua with an official girlfriend last month. Last year Greasy/Skeevy got married and had a baby. I think Mountain Man is dating someone, although he hasn't said so but he talks to me a lot less frequently and doesn't respond as quickly to emails and texts.
Me? I am still single. I barely dated.
I am starting to wonder that maybe having a boyfriend or a husband just isn't my thing. I can't get married if I don't date. And I don't have luck with anyone wanting to date me that I might be interested in.
The two guys I attempted dates with this year were either secretly gay or a massive farter with slight fangs.
I just read this an article this morning about a man in the middle east who didn't shower for 60 years who is looking for his soul mate. If he finds love before me....I really have a problem. I shower. I'm not 80 yet. I don't smoke animal poop, or anything else for that matter.
What will this mean for my future? I suppose I should really start looking for a bigger place to live first. Well, no, I guess i need to decide if I want to stay in Colorado or not. Once I have a place that has more bedrooms, I should really start taking the classes to get certified in foster care or maybe skip that and go straight to adoption.
While I don't mind living alone, I feel like my life will be very unfulfilled if I don't share it with someone. All this time I was thinking I wanted to share it with a person of a similar age, a companion....but maybe looking after someone is what I need. You know I love trying to help people, and there are so many kids that don't have anyone that need help. BUT, as a friend recently pointed out to me that I get attached and give all my love and it would crush me if the foster kid goes back to their family. So, I keep wondering, maybe temporary isn't for me.
Whatever happens in my future, I feel like I am always way behind everyone else. Not that it is a competition. Do I have unconscious issues that I need psychoanalysis for? Did I mess up a past life and the one thing I want in this life I can't have?
I wish them all well of course, but I won't lie - I am a bit jealous, I want to find love too.
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single. Show all posts
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Friday, September 26, 2014
invitation to BBQ
Since I've been attending evening photography things, I needed a tripod. I head over to a local chain and tell the guy I need a tripod, but I don't want to spend a lot of money (because I don't have a job) but want something decent.
He showed me a couple, but I wasn't loving them, even in the $80 range. So I asked what he would recommend that was under $200, and he pointed me to this small, compact tripod with a ball head. The legs spread out nicely and had more movement than the cheaper models. I really liked this tripod but didn't love the price tag. Since I needed it for an event tonight, I couldn't even go home and review the product and find it cheaper elsewhere. I sucked it up and purchased it, knowing I would be using it quite a bit.
As the sales guy is ringing me up, he invited me to a BBQ at his place the following day (he learned I was new in town and that we lived just a few streets away). I asked if other people would be there, he said his children. He talked about a few other things and said, 'so how about it?'. I had no other plans so I said yes. He wrote down his telephone number and address. As I was leaving, he said "I can't believe I just asked a woman out".
Oh, was that what that was? Crap. He man was nice enough, but also appeared to be 55 - 60. I know I am getting older, but I still struggle with dating a guy that is more than 45. The whole car way home I kept thinking about if I should go or not. What would I bring over? If this was a date, I'd already be meeting his two teenage daughters. That seemed too much for me. Add in that I am from NY and am a bit skeptical of people and their interests...but, I moved out here, to meet friendlier people. But I still couldn't shake that he knew that I didn't really know anyone and that he invited me to his house, alone. Did I want to become a statistic and die a prisoner in his basement? Ok, so the odds of that happening are really low.
I looked to see if his number was a house or cell, it was a cell. So I blocked my number and called him, hoping he would not answer if he saw "private number" and the fact he was at work. So I left a nice message saying that upon further thinking, I was not ready to go to a strange man's house but I really appreciate the neighborly gesture in the invitation and that I hoped he enjoyed his day off.
So, after 10 days here (or really in 4 years), I was finally hit on...but not quite what I was expecting. I hope other guys here are secure enough to chat with me and I'll eventually start dating again.
He showed me a couple, but I wasn't loving them, even in the $80 range. So I asked what he would recommend that was under $200, and he pointed me to this small, compact tripod with a ball head. The legs spread out nicely and had more movement than the cheaper models. I really liked this tripod but didn't love the price tag. Since I needed it for an event tonight, I couldn't even go home and review the product and find it cheaper elsewhere. I sucked it up and purchased it, knowing I would be using it quite a bit.
As the sales guy is ringing me up, he invited me to a BBQ at his place the following day (he learned I was new in town and that we lived just a few streets away). I asked if other people would be there, he said his children. He talked about a few other things and said, 'so how about it?'. I had no other plans so I said yes. He wrote down his telephone number and address. As I was leaving, he said "I can't believe I just asked a woman out".
Oh, was that what that was? Crap. He man was nice enough, but also appeared to be 55 - 60. I know I am getting older, but I still struggle with dating a guy that is more than 45. The whole car way home I kept thinking about if I should go or not. What would I bring over? If this was a date, I'd already be meeting his two teenage daughters. That seemed too much for me. Add in that I am from NY and am a bit skeptical of people and their interests...but, I moved out here, to meet friendlier people. But I still couldn't shake that he knew that I didn't really know anyone and that he invited me to his house, alone. Did I want to become a statistic and die a prisoner in his basement? Ok, so the odds of that happening are really low.
I looked to see if his number was a house or cell, it was a cell. So I blocked my number and called him, hoping he would not answer if he saw "private number" and the fact he was at work. So I left a nice message saying that upon further thinking, I was not ready to go to a strange man's house but I really appreciate the neighborly gesture in the invitation and that I hoped he enjoyed his day off.
So, after 10 days here (or really in 4 years), I was finally hit on...but not quite what I was expecting. I hope other guys here are secure enough to chat with me and I'll eventually start dating again.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
still alone
This week a friend whose husband left her with 2 children had another baby, another friend who tried to have a baby for years was blessed with a baby, my sister's 300 pound friend got married and I found out my cousin who had a really bad divorce is dating a man after being single for 5 years...they all struggled with big challenges for years that they were able to overcome.
Huge accomplishments for those four people this week, after years of challenging and difficult times. Then I thought about it...I've been single almost 8 years. EIGHT years is a long time...and where am I? I didn't seriously 'date' anyone. I was involved with ManFriend but we didn't do couply things, but at least that was for a year and a half. I still haven't overcome my biggest challenge.
Sure, the first 2-3 years I 'wasted' thinking someone would come around, but he didn't...and while I waited, he was dating. My first mistake. Next thing I knew I was in my 30s. I was no longer the young, thin, happy person. I was a bit jaded, sad, lonely and starting to age; nothing attractive in that. Add in that I didn't go out because I didn't have any more friends. My few friends I had were in NJ and my other friends all were married with kids. I didn't have anyone to go out with and I was too shy to go out alone. The only conversations I was making in public places tended to be with old men or married men...not quite what I am looking for.
When I would go out with my ex-coworker, she got all the attention, even though I was smarter and a bit more witty she had the more carefree and fun personality that drew people in. But those weren't the kinds of men I wanted for anything long term anyway. I wanted a man that was looking for more than just my body. More than just one night.
On top of all this, I live in a family town...there aren't too many singles. In fact, I just read an article that Westchester's singles have dropped quite a bit in the last few years. Thus, limiting my chance of meeting someone closer to home even more.
What about online dating you ask? Well, that is how I met SI...and well, psycho. I did try a few years ago, but the people that reached out to talk to me were strange and the other half were just looking for sex. I was not able to find a guy that seemed 'normal' or at least on there for the same reason as me. After a few months, I closed the account.
Eight years is a long time to be single. If I get the opportunity to be in a relationship, the adjustment is going to be really hard. I've become so independent, and I will expect that someone will hurt me. Of course I am going to be optimistic going into anything, but part of my mind will be on guard. I know I can't let past men's issues be the next person's problem.
While I haven't overcome my challenge of a relationship yet, I think I've made a lot of progress so when it does happen, I will be in a better place to embrace it.
Huge accomplishments for those four people this week, after years of challenging and difficult times. Then I thought about it...I've been single almost 8 years. EIGHT years is a long time...and where am I? I didn't seriously 'date' anyone. I was involved with ManFriend but we didn't do couply things, but at least that was for a year and a half. I still haven't overcome my biggest challenge.
Sure, the first 2-3 years I 'wasted' thinking someone would come around, but he didn't...and while I waited, he was dating. My first mistake. Next thing I knew I was in my 30s. I was no longer the young, thin, happy person. I was a bit jaded, sad, lonely and starting to age; nothing attractive in that. Add in that I didn't go out because I didn't have any more friends. My few friends I had were in NJ and my other friends all were married with kids. I didn't have anyone to go out with and I was too shy to go out alone. The only conversations I was making in public places tended to be with old men or married men...not quite what I am looking for.
When I would go out with my ex-coworker, she got all the attention, even though I was smarter and a bit more witty she had the more carefree and fun personality that drew people in. But those weren't the kinds of men I wanted for anything long term anyway. I wanted a man that was looking for more than just my body. More than just one night.
On top of all this, I live in a family town...there aren't too many singles. In fact, I just read an article that Westchester's singles have dropped quite a bit in the last few years. Thus, limiting my chance of meeting someone closer to home even more.
What about online dating you ask? Well, that is how I met SI...and well, psycho. I did try a few years ago, but the people that reached out to talk to me were strange and the other half were just looking for sex. I was not able to find a guy that seemed 'normal' or at least on there for the same reason as me. After a few months, I closed the account.
Eight years is a long time to be single. If I get the opportunity to be in a relationship, the adjustment is going to be really hard. I've become so independent, and I will expect that someone will hurt me. Of course I am going to be optimistic going into anything, but part of my mind will be on guard. I know I can't let past men's issues be the next person's problem.
While I haven't overcome my challenge of a relationship yet, I think I've made a lot of progress so when it does happen, I will be in a better place to embrace it.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
insecurities and endings
Mountain Man asked me a simple question "Do you pay your life coach money, or is sort of a friendly advice kind of thing?"
I responded:
Yes, my life coach gets paid, not a lot because I am kinda broke…but she does it on the side. What I like about her is that she is educated (MBA) and she is single in her 50s. I can relate to her. She does know most of my family….but remains objective when I talk about them. My mom introduced me to her in my early 20s when I was lost about a career. I saw her a few months and that was it. But two years after my breakup, I needed someone else to talk to so I reached out to her and have spent two hours once a month for the last 5 years or so chatting with her. It started as getting over depression, working on myself, regaining some self-esteem, finding ways to get out of the fog, etc. It was slow, but I benefited a lot from it. I’d go through cycles, so last year after the end of my manfriend, I was better equipped to handle my feelings/issues. Most recently I haven’t had a lot to talk about, there is only so much I can say about waiting to move, my job, my lack of friends, applying for jobs, my family, etc. I am probably beyond stressed out because I noticed I am shutting people out, but with my 5 years with her, I know what needs to be done on my end. The reality is, while I think I’ve kind of figured me out, in the areas of my path, things I want for my future, how to grow from my past…I probably need to talk to a shrink about my intimacy issues since that is a problem I am not really sure how to fix. How sad is it that sex with someone scares me and then I under perform because I am so nervous. It has been eight years, you’d think I’d have gotten over it by now, but I haven’t. And unfortunately most guys won’t wait around more than 10 attempts before I become comfortable enough with them to enjoy it (and with that comes better performance). The last guy told me I was in his top 2 ever and he was with a lot of women (sure it took a while to adjust to the way he liked it and it did suck at the beginning, but I figured it out and then it was great, even if it was for under 5 minutes)….shouldn't that be enough to make my confidence soar? But no, because with you I totally bombed again. Hence why I don’t have sex with many people, or just keep going with people I am familiar with. It is sad that someone can mess you up in such a way that it messes with you years and years and years afterwards. Ah the joy of emotional abuse. Even that guy, after everything he did to me to get me where I am now, he still continued to sleep with me for a while afterwards so again, that should say something…but it doesn't seem to help me. And I shouldn't need to have a drink or four to be with man in that way the first time, but sadly I do. I find it interesting that after relationships end, people go crazy and sleep around – maybe in a way that could be helpful, but it was never something I did. Now I just am very uncomfortable with the whole thing, and therefore in the last month I've struggled more with the fear of being alone for the remainder of my life – and anyway, part of that is life-coach help related, but part of it probably isn't. While I probably don’t need her anymore, I keep thinking I am moving soon so like everything else, it would come to its natural end but that is taking a little longer than I had planned for/expected. Why should I be surprised? Very rarely do things go as planned.
Clearly I have a lot going on. All I needed to say was "yes, I pay her". But instead I found myself typing away. More to myself than for him, which is why I have a blog. I know I can't send this email to him and because of that I haven't responded to him in a few days.
I responded:
Yes, my life coach gets paid, not a lot because I am kinda broke…but she does it on the side. What I like about her is that she is educated (MBA) and she is single in her 50s. I can relate to her. She does know most of my family….but remains objective when I talk about them. My mom introduced me to her in my early 20s when I was lost about a career. I saw her a few months and that was it. But two years after my breakup, I needed someone else to talk to so I reached out to her and have spent two hours once a month for the last 5 years or so chatting with her. It started as getting over depression, working on myself, regaining some self-esteem, finding ways to get out of the fog, etc. It was slow, but I benefited a lot from it. I’d go through cycles, so last year after the end of my manfriend, I was better equipped to handle my feelings/issues. Most recently I haven’t had a lot to talk about, there is only so much I can say about waiting to move, my job, my lack of friends, applying for jobs, my family, etc. I am probably beyond stressed out because I noticed I am shutting people out, but with my 5 years with her, I know what needs to be done on my end. The reality is, while I think I’ve kind of figured me out, in the areas of my path, things I want for my future, how to grow from my past…I probably need to talk to a shrink about my intimacy issues since that is a problem I am not really sure how to fix. How sad is it that sex with someone scares me and then I under perform because I am so nervous. It has been eight years, you’d think I’d have gotten over it by now, but I haven’t. And unfortunately most guys won’t wait around more than 10 attempts before I become comfortable enough with them to enjoy it (and with that comes better performance). The last guy told me I was in his top 2 ever and he was with a lot of women (sure it took a while to adjust to the way he liked it and it did suck at the beginning, but I figured it out and then it was great, even if it was for under 5 minutes)….shouldn't that be enough to make my confidence soar? But no, because with you I totally bombed again. Hence why I don’t have sex with many people, or just keep going with people I am familiar with. It is sad that someone can mess you up in such a way that it messes with you years and years and years afterwards. Ah the joy of emotional abuse. Even that guy, after everything he did to me to get me where I am now, he still continued to sleep with me for a while afterwards so again, that should say something…but it doesn't seem to help me. And I shouldn't need to have a drink or four to be with man in that way the first time, but sadly I do. I find it interesting that after relationships end, people go crazy and sleep around – maybe in a way that could be helpful, but it was never something I did. Now I just am very uncomfortable with the whole thing, and therefore in the last month I've struggled more with the fear of being alone for the remainder of my life – and anyway, part of that is life-coach help related, but part of it probably isn't. While I probably don’t need her anymore, I keep thinking I am moving soon so like everything else, it would come to its natural end but that is taking a little longer than I had planned for/expected. Why should I be surprised? Very rarely do things go as planned.
Well, now you know way more about me than you ever wanted to. I guess I’d like to say that I don’t want you to feel like you have to continue to talk to me. Unlike you, I do believe in fate, and I've wondered why we met; for what purpose. And I think I for me, it was so I’d get wrapped up in this moment that when my manfriend told me about the cancer I didn't drop everything to help him (how sad) or that I wouldn't have slept with a co-worker in San Diego and/or to experience a part of the country I wouldn't have otherwise to realize there are some decent men out by the mountains. It was a lot of fun in the summer through the fall. I really looked forward to our chats and everything, they brought a smile to my face daily and was something I looked forward to. But with what you said about your commitment issues and my desire for a whirlwind romance that I might be incapable of but desperately need to escape my current reality, I know it wouldn't go further than this. And I think I was latching on because of my desire to escape. I am not even sure if there was physical attraction on either end. it was very obvious in January that you weren't interested and your emails or texts have seemed forced since then. And the last thing I want is to be a chore you feel like you need to get over with. You are a really interesting guy, I can honestly say I haven’t known too many like you, which I guess was my big draw, you were so completely different. And I need different. Thank you again for all your help over the last few months, I really appreciated it. And true to our word, I have no regrets ;) well, maybe just one, but that is a totally me needing to be better about enforcing condom use.
If you ever want to check in, please don't hesitate to send a message. And if I am completely off base and you actually do enjoy chatting with me still, then by all means, continue. And if not, well, I wish you the absolute best and good wishes for your future.
Clearly I have a lot going on. All I needed to say was "yes, I pay her". But instead I found myself typing away. More to myself than for him, which is why I have a blog. I know I can't send this email to him and because of that I haven't responded to him in a few days.
Friday, February 14, 2014
vday reruns
Unfortunately no matter what you do, you can't escape knowing today is Valentine's Day. For couples, its not a big deal, you do the card, maybe flowers or a special meal or a special gift; you are re-declaring your love for each other...or just going through the motions and obligations.
For singles, it is just another day.
I am not the kind of single to out out and pick up men and have one night stands. So for me, this day, is a typical Friday. Which, sadly, tonight, is to work on a puzzle, finish my book, and blog. Oh, but I threw in over-eating just for fun. While I work on the puzzle and eat, it is nice to have on something in the background, so I flip on the TV. Just like last night, tonight, so many of the syndicated shows are all about Valentine's Day. They just keep playing the valentine's day shows in season order. I don't know why because those of us that are watching tv are those that are single, alone and/or depressed. Watching all these shows isn't helping pretend today is just another day.
For singles, it is just another day.
I am not the kind of single to out out and pick up men and have one night stands. So for me, this day, is a typical Friday. Which, sadly, tonight, is to work on a puzzle, finish my book, and blog. Oh, but I threw in over-eating just for fun. While I work on the puzzle and eat, it is nice to have on something in the background, so I flip on the TV. Just like last night, tonight, so many of the syndicated shows are all about Valentine's Day. They just keep playing the valentine's day shows in season order. I don't know why because those of us that are watching tv are those that are single, alone and/or depressed. Watching all these shows isn't helping pretend today is just another day.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
a child isn't the answer
Would having a baby make me a little happier?
My parents offered me the option, should I want to get pregnant, they would help me with childcare while I was at work. My parents know I would make a fantastic mother and they accept that I may not find a man to share that experience with. They also realize how old I am getting, my window for having a baby is drastically reducing. What a wonderful thing, to have such supportive parents.
While I have longed for a family, I can't say that the thought of being pregnant alone is appealing to me nor is having a baby for the first three years. I figured if I was alone, I would adopt.
But, that isn't enough. Sure, childcare is helpful, but where would I put the kid? I have a small apartment that has been on the market for 10 months. The reality is that I can't afford a child right now ... or really the accommodations that I would need.
So, while my parents offer is so kind, I am declining it. Having a child right now isn't the answer, even though I am sure my life would seem more fulfilled.
Let's just hope this apartment sells soon...I think once it does, I can think about my future a little more and put some things into action.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
cycle
The last two weeks have been difficult, but now, now I am a little depressed. Not surprising of course. All the thinking I've been doing, I am not shocked about this. But the good thing is, I know it is happening so I won't get as depressed as I have been in the past. I just have to remember all those 'tools in my toolbox' to help me through this time. And as much as I need to pull out of it, I feel like I need a little time to wallow a little.
The depression isn't from ManFriend anymore, it is about me.
I have lots of baby showers coming up, a wedding, and of course all the other people out there that have life events...and I still don't. I keep saying that I am OK if I end up alone, but that isn't the truth. I was excited getting to know Mountain Man and I was hoping for this whirlwind romance and was disappointed when I realized it wasn't remotely close to that. I read books and watch movies and they all have these romantic happy endings; is it so bad to want that? Is it bad that I want to love again, even though I barely remember how wonderful it was. Of course it isn't, which is why I am sad...because I don't know if that is possible. Maybe I had my one chance and blew it. Maybe that was it for me.
I was cleaning out a junk drawer today and I found a picture of SI that I used to keep in my wallet, one of my favorite photos of him. I start to wonder what my life would have been like if it wasn't like this. What would it have been like if I ended up with Cop#1 or SI? Would I have children? Would I be happy? Would I have been more fulfilled? No point thinking about it. don't want to make myself crazier than I am.
This is what I got, and I just need to figure out how to make the most of it. I feel like it is a cycle, I do well, time passes by, I am somewhat content, get a little hopeful, and then a new round of depression. So I know I'll be ok again. I just need a bit of time.
The depression isn't from ManFriend anymore, it is about me.
I have lots of baby showers coming up, a wedding, and of course all the other people out there that have life events...and I still don't. I keep saying that I am OK if I end up alone, but that isn't the truth. I was excited getting to know Mountain Man and I was hoping for this whirlwind romance and was disappointed when I realized it wasn't remotely close to that. I read books and watch movies and they all have these romantic happy endings; is it so bad to want that? Is it bad that I want to love again, even though I barely remember how wonderful it was. Of course it isn't, which is why I am sad...because I don't know if that is possible. Maybe I had my one chance and blew it. Maybe that was it for me.
I was cleaning out a junk drawer today and I found a picture of SI that I used to keep in my wallet, one of my favorite photos of him. I start to wonder what my life would have been like if it wasn't like this. What would it have been like if I ended up with Cop#1 or SI? Would I have children? Would I be happy? Would I have been more fulfilled? No point thinking about it. don't want to make myself crazier than I am.
This is what I got, and I just need to figure out how to make the most of it. I feel like it is a cycle, I do well, time passes by, I am somewhat content, get a little hopeful, and then a new round of depression. So I know I'll be ok again. I just need a bit of time.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
so much on my mind
Grrrr. I have so much on my mind. I don't know where to begin to start telling you about it. I am not sleeping so well and I've been crying a bit. I hate when my life is so uncertain. And I think this past week I realized...that I really might end up alone after all. I know I've blogged about that before and me saying it would be OK, and it would...but it is still really sad when one realizes they are facing the rest of their lives alone.
Friday, January 10, 2014
shutting my mouth
My family is very close, we know a lot about each other and spend a lot of time hanging out and talking. It is so wonderful to have people that I can do that with.
However, like anything there is good and bad with everything.
After the SI fiasco, my family became very concerned about me and did everything they could to make me feel better and fit into their lives. They took pity on me and tried to shelter me from further pain...all so selfless, and I needed them to mend.
But they couldn't bear to see me get hurt again. I started to not tell them some of the lies SI was telling me about still getting back together and having our future because how many times could I say that - it was like I was the boy who cried wolf. They knew it was never going to happen, I didn't. I stopped telling them because I didn't want to hear them tell me things I didn't want to hear.
If I told my family I had a date, they'd all want to know the details. And if I said the guy was OK, they were practically planning a wedding. They were overly hopeful that the next guy to come into the picture was going to be the one. They wanted that so badly for me; to be happy. But just because a date wasn't bad doesn't mean it is going to go anywhere.
Unfortunately all my family is married - they don't understand the fundamentals of dating and how complicated it is and how bad the dating pool is. They don't necessarily understand that just because two people are single that they don't mesh.
When I was hanging out with ManFriend I decided not to tell my family too much. My sisters knew more than my parents, but I didn't want them up my butt all the time asking me questions. I felt bad about it and I know it isn't right to be talking to someone for a year and a half and not meet your family when you are so close, but I knew he wasn't the one...so what was the point?
But I made the mistake of telling my family about Mountain Man back in August after I met him, but I was so happy. They are curious about what is happening and ask a lot of questions. They don't get that even though it has been 5 months - that we aren't dating exclusively....I am not even sure if we are dating. It is complicated. And I come back from my recent trip and they all want to know how it was and what happened...I am not sure what they were hoping for - I still barely know the man. One nephew told my parents I was engaged....and my mother believed it...that is the kind of fantasy world they live in. I know they want me to be happy and get married...but....do I even need to finish this thought?
It was my mistake to tell them about the guy...but I figured I kept so many secrets about other guys in the past, maybe that wasn't the right option...but keeping them in the vague loop isn't good either. Both parties really need to understand that them asking so many questions and getting their hopes up isn't good for me because they will be disappointed in the end...and I need to figure out better boundaries on what I should share and not.
Just another reason why I need to separate myself from my family a little bit more.
However, like anything there is good and bad with everything.
After the SI fiasco, my family became very concerned about me and did everything they could to make me feel better and fit into their lives. They took pity on me and tried to shelter me from further pain...all so selfless, and I needed them to mend.
But they couldn't bear to see me get hurt again. I started to not tell them some of the lies SI was telling me about still getting back together and having our future because how many times could I say that - it was like I was the boy who cried wolf. They knew it was never going to happen, I didn't. I stopped telling them because I didn't want to hear them tell me things I didn't want to hear.
If I told my family I had a date, they'd all want to know the details. And if I said the guy was OK, they were practically planning a wedding. They were overly hopeful that the next guy to come into the picture was going to be the one. They wanted that so badly for me; to be happy. But just because a date wasn't bad doesn't mean it is going to go anywhere.
Unfortunately all my family is married - they don't understand the fundamentals of dating and how complicated it is and how bad the dating pool is. They don't necessarily understand that just because two people are single that they don't mesh.
When I was hanging out with ManFriend I decided not to tell my family too much. My sisters knew more than my parents, but I didn't want them up my butt all the time asking me questions. I felt bad about it and I know it isn't right to be talking to someone for a year and a half and not meet your family when you are so close, but I knew he wasn't the one...so what was the point?
But I made the mistake of telling my family about Mountain Man back in August after I met him, but I was so happy. They are curious about what is happening and ask a lot of questions. They don't get that even though it has been 5 months - that we aren't dating exclusively....I am not even sure if we are dating. It is complicated. And I come back from my recent trip and they all want to know how it was and what happened...I am not sure what they were hoping for - I still barely know the man. One nephew told my parents I was engaged....and my mother believed it...that is the kind of fantasy world they live in. I know they want me to be happy and get married...but....do I even need to finish this thought?
It was my mistake to tell them about the guy...but I figured I kept so many secrets about other guys in the past, maybe that wasn't the right option...but keeping them in the vague loop isn't good either. Both parties really need to understand that them asking so many questions and getting their hopes up isn't good for me because they will be disappointed in the end...and I need to figure out better boundaries on what I should share and not.
Just another reason why I need to separate myself from my family a little bit more.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
my invisibility cloak
How many women spend about an hour in Dick's Sporting Goods, in the hunting section and then wandering around...and not one man speaks to her?
Sometimes I wonder if men just assume I am taken...and why shouldn't I be? I am decent looking and sweet and of that age to not be single.
So when I got home from the store and other errands, I spent some time feeling my body to see if I had on an invisibility cloak...that would explain a lot.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
not much different than you
I was chatting with one of my volunteers a few days ago and he was talking about all New York has to offer and that he imagined my life to be this amazing single in the city kind of life. Always going out on the town, lots of friends, always things to do.
I felt bad laughing, but NO that is no where near my life.
I started to wonder...maybe it should be. Maybe I need to do more, maybe that would lead to more dating and meeting my future husband, maybe my life would feel more fulfilled.
But honestly, just thinking about that kind of life exhausts me. It just isn't me. And I don't think I want it to be.
I am more of a homebody, I enjoy being home and around family and some friends. I like to do a few things locally - a hike, kayak, beach, things around the house, a meal out. I like to keep busy during the day...but I don't hit up the bars or a club at night. I think it is a good balance for me. And honestly, I couldn't afford to have that other kind of single life.
The main difference between your lives and mine is that I live alone, my household isn't 2+ people. I cook 95% of my meals, I work full time, I go to little league games and science fairs, I help with homework, reports and studying for final exams (for my nieces and nephews), I do laundry, run errands and I manage the finances & household. I even take vacations...but instead of going somewhere with screaming children like Disneyland, I go to places a bit more relaxing for me and instead of having an active and loud home, my place is virtually silent. Being single doesn't mean a glorious fun life all the time, it just means less people are involved.
Just the other day, I heard on ten-ten winds that there are a lot more single households now than there were years ago...and I don't just mean because of all the divorces, but also those that never married. I like to think that I helped set that trend...because out of all the people I know...I am the only one who has this kind of life. People don't understand it and a lot of people think it is more glamorous that it really is. It's been just a few days over 7 years since I've been single; shocking how much time has passed. It took a while, but I am getting settled into my single life and I have my own routines and way of life that I actually am OK with. If I was destined for a single life..at least I know I can handle it.
I felt bad laughing, but NO that is no where near my life.
I started to wonder...maybe it should be. Maybe I need to do more, maybe that would lead to more dating and meeting my future husband, maybe my life would feel more fulfilled.
But honestly, just thinking about that kind of life exhausts me. It just isn't me. And I don't think I want it to be.
I am more of a homebody, I enjoy being home and around family and some friends. I like to do a few things locally - a hike, kayak, beach, things around the house, a meal out. I like to keep busy during the day...but I don't hit up the bars or a club at night. I think it is a good balance for me. And honestly, I couldn't afford to have that other kind of single life.
The main difference between your lives and mine is that I live alone, my household isn't 2+ people. I cook 95% of my meals, I work full time, I go to little league games and science fairs, I help with homework, reports and studying for final exams (for my nieces and nephews), I do laundry, run errands and I manage the finances & household. I even take vacations...but instead of going somewhere with screaming children like Disneyland, I go to places a bit more relaxing for me and instead of having an active and loud home, my place is virtually silent. Being single doesn't mean a glorious fun life all the time, it just means less people are involved.
Just the other day, I heard on ten-ten winds that there are a lot more single households now than there were years ago...and I don't just mean because of all the divorces, but also those that never married. I like to think that I helped set that trend...because out of all the people I know...I am the only one who has this kind of life. People don't understand it and a lot of people think it is more glamorous that it really is. It's been just a few days over 7 years since I've been single; shocking how much time has passed. It took a while, but I am getting settled into my single life and I have my own routines and way of life that I actually am OK with. If I was destined for a single life..at least I know I can handle it.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
#10
I'll get right to the juicy part of my trip.
I met up with the gentleman from Idaho, we had a very nice dinner, drinks and then more drinks on his patio. It was so comfortable; the 8 hours flew by and I would have stayed longer but I was up for 23 hours and was passing out, I headed back to the hotel.
I thought about him all week...hoping I'd see him again when I stopped back through town. Wondering if anything would happen. I thought about the 100 attributes in my future husband, and while I don't know about all 100, he had many qualities on my list. He is good looking but not super handsome; he is on the shorter side, is very thin/skinny and also speaks with a little impairment at times, is a Gemini, and has a name I had hoped to avoid...but those aren't on my list. Everything else about him I really liked. Figures.
Upon my return he invited me to hang out at his place. We installed bathroom towel bars and a cabinet, went to the hardware store a few times, watered his grass, did his laundry...all those household chores. I caught a glimpse of his everyday life and I was shocked how mature he was and being the same age as ManFriend how totally different his life is. Over dinner we chatted about everything - goals, fears, travels and a little about past relationships.
We went back to his place and finally kissed and ended up in bed. He was so tender and experienced. It was really enjoyable and varied. And then we did it again. He played with my hair. I ended up staying there, and he made sure that at all points of the night some part of his body touched mine; whether it was a finger, a hand, our feet or his arm on my body. I was not used to that. I don't sleep around and I don't do casual sex...and I didn't know if this was normal. Does he do this all the time? In the morning we did it again...he cooked me breakfast, then got right back to his household chores, even took out a stain in my shirt and before I left we had a quickie. He drove me from the rental car place to the airport. He opened doors and held my hand and made me feel special. I didn't want to leave.
I spent 8 + 23 hours with him...and if he lived close, I would totally want to date him. But he lives so far away...and he just started dating someone (I think only 3 dates or so) so it kinda sucks. I am not sure if we had a real connection or if he is just smooth, but I left smiling and when he texted me to make sure I made it home safe, I smiled even more.
I'll see him again in November...but by then he might be in a relationship.
I met up with the gentleman from Idaho, we had a very nice dinner, drinks and then more drinks on his patio. It was so comfortable; the 8 hours flew by and I would have stayed longer but I was up for 23 hours and was passing out, I headed back to the hotel.
I thought about him all week...hoping I'd see him again when I stopped back through town. Wondering if anything would happen. I thought about the 100 attributes in my future husband, and while I don't know about all 100, he had many qualities on my list. He is good looking but not super handsome; he is on the shorter side, is very thin/skinny and also speaks with a little impairment at times, is a Gemini, and has a name I had hoped to avoid...but those aren't on my list. Everything else about him I really liked. Figures.
Upon my return he invited me to hang out at his place. We installed bathroom towel bars and a cabinet, went to the hardware store a few times, watered his grass, did his laundry...all those household chores. I caught a glimpse of his everyday life and I was shocked how mature he was and being the same age as ManFriend how totally different his life is. Over dinner we chatted about everything - goals, fears, travels and a little about past relationships.
We went back to his place and finally kissed and ended up in bed. He was so tender and experienced. It was really enjoyable and varied. And then we did it again. He played with my hair. I ended up staying there, and he made sure that at all points of the night some part of his body touched mine; whether it was a finger, a hand, our feet or his arm on my body. I was not used to that. I don't sleep around and I don't do casual sex...and I didn't know if this was normal. Does he do this all the time? In the morning we did it again...he cooked me breakfast, then got right back to his household chores, even took out a stain in my shirt and before I left we had a quickie. He drove me from the rental car place to the airport. He opened doors and held my hand and made me feel special. I didn't want to leave.
I spent 8 + 23 hours with him...and if he lived close, I would totally want to date him. But he lives so far away...and he just started dating someone (I think only 3 dates or so) so it kinda sucks. I am not sure if we had a real connection or if he is just smooth, but I left smiling and when he texted me to make sure I made it home safe, I smiled even more.
I'll see him again in November...but by then he might be in a relationship.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
stay with a stranger
When I was in Indianapolis, I met this guy at a work reception. Actually, he approached my group. We chatted for only 5 minutes or so but the conversation led to an exchange in business cards at which time I looked at his and found out he lived where I will soon be vacationing. I told him I'd email him closer to my vacation date.
As my trip plans started to solidify, I emailed him saying I'd be in his town these particular two nights, and if he still wanted to get together I gave my cell phone number and said I'd call that day. He responded he'd love to get together, and if I'd like to save a few bucks I could stay at his house.
Yikes.
But then I remembered, I've offered out of towners to stay at my house if they are ever in the NYC area...totally innocent, like "I have a couch and am close to the train into NYC".
Why then did I worry that the invitation would imply sex? Because it is reverse...men are always thinking about sex. But that isn't a fair assumption. And I do always think about rape and murder, I don't trust strangers immediately.
I haven't replied back to this man yet, but I am 90% thinking I'd get a hotel room. I don't do casual sex and even though a one night stand is on my bucket/sex list...I know his last name so he isn't really a true one night stand (if it were even to get that far).
As my trip plans started to solidify, I emailed him saying I'd be in his town these particular two nights, and if he still wanted to get together I gave my cell phone number and said I'd call that day. He responded he'd love to get together, and if I'd like to save a few bucks I could stay at his house.
Yikes.
But then I remembered, I've offered out of towners to stay at my house if they are ever in the NYC area...totally innocent, like "I have a couch and am close to the train into NYC".
Why then did I worry that the invitation would imply sex? Because it is reverse...men are always thinking about sex. But that isn't a fair assumption. And I do always think about rape and murder, I don't trust strangers immediately.
I haven't replied back to this man yet, but I am 90% thinking I'd get a hotel room. I don't do casual sex and even though a one night stand is on my bucket/sex list...I know his last name so he isn't really a true one night stand (if it were even to get that far).
Saturday, July 13, 2013
sexually cranky
How long is it before you get sexually cranky? It is now 4 weeks since I've gotten laid, and I am starting to get a little cranky. I know there is an adjustment period that you go through before you don't even realize it anymore, but I am not there yet.
I am not sure why I am cranky, having sex for 3 minutes over the last year+ isn't really sex...but at least I had amazing kissing and intimacy.
In fact, desperate times calls for desperate measures. I reached out to Cop#1 to see if he'd be interested in a denise relapse. I know he isn't the best choice because of his situation...but he is the best choice for my satisfaction and really, for me, right now, that is what I need.
Hopefully something more permanent will come my way soon.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
reek of desperation
I wonder if I have a different definition of desperation than my readers. I love that people read my posts and make comments, so thank you for that! Just yesterday someone posted that I reek of desperation and that men sense that and are turned off by it, hence why I am still single. I spent a bunch of time thinking about this. Am I desperate?
When I think of desperate people...I envision someone who goes on a date and constantly talks about that one person or makes the 'relationship' happen a lot faster than it should. clingy almost. Maybe before that first date, they sleep around a lot, because men love sex and if you can get a man to sleep with you, then surely you can convince him to continue to sleep with you. Settling for someone because he is probably the only person you'll get.
I don't think I am desperate. Sure I want a husband and I want to create my own family and I think about it a lot...but in reality, I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. And I've proven this...I've been single for what, 7 years now? I had options and I didn't settle - but I also wasn't being super picky. During this time, I'd also like to point out that I did try dating people who are 'not my type'. I went on four dates with a man covered in tattoos and body piercings, I went out with a red head, I went out with a conceited man, I went out with older men (ManFriend was 10 years old and recently hanging out with a man up to 16 years older), I went out with younger men (down 3 years), I went out with a man of a different ethnicity, I went out with divorced men and men with children, I went out with men that make a ton of money and men that live with family/roommates because they don't make a lot of money, I went on blind dates, I went to a matchmaker, I did online dating, I went on group dates, I've gone out with people I wasn't sure about more than once because I wasn't judging a person after the first time, I was and have been more open minded. Most of the time these encounters didn't work mutually...it isn't all just me being mean/picky. And a few people lasted longer than it should have because I developed a 'friendship' and wanted to see if that would have changed things.
So, I don't see myself as desperate, I see myself as independent, and I think that scares some men away. I'm a great catch, and one day someone will appreciate me and love me for who I am. And you all should know this too because the men that I give these dates to/date casually - end up sticking around or want to catch up months later because they know how sweet I am and they want me to be happy. I am not going to settle for not being happy in a relationship just because there is one guy willing to be with me...there is so much more there, that I am having a hard time expressing what I want to say. There are more pieces to the love puzzle than just attraction or just brains or just conversation or just family or just values...and while I absolutely can compromise on what I think is important...it doesn't always work out. And certainly I am not looking for super good-looking - I actually stay away from them. I like the 'average' guy, a guy that isn't attractive but grows on you. A guy that others think is OK but you see and smile because to you, they are handsome. I wish I could show you some pictures of these guys...but I'd like for them to remain anonymous both in name and face.
And sure, I could date one of those guys and I can end up divorced because I settled or I thought I wanted something badly enough when I really didn't. I am just saving myself all that drama later, and not letting things that I know deep down shouldn't go further than they do. I know myself really well. Sometimes it is obvious that things shouldn't progress, and other times, like with ManFriend I seriously considered 'settling' for something and god knows I tried to open up enough and let him in and love him but there is something missing and I don't know what it is...we've chatted about this this week - why we can't move past what we have into a 'real' relationship. And you can't say I didn't do enough, that I was being picky or that I was desperate...because if I was desperate I would have thrown myself at him or forced myself on him sooner or said when he moved that I thought we should move in together. Sometimes, it is just not meant to be. And I know I am/will be happier without that weirdness of our relationship.
I am not stressed out about meeting my future husband, because he is either getting closer, or he isn't coming. And I am not going to stay at home waiting for him...I am going to start making my future happen even if he never shows up. Once the apartment sells and I wait a few months to save a bit extra, I am going to start looking into my next accommodations...and sure, I am going to purchase something I can't afford alone - like a townhouse. I want to feel like an adult and have a nice place to stay, and something that is a bit roomier for my possibly growing family. Because if my future husband doesn't arrive, then I am going to probably start in the next two years, seeking foster children and adoption. I have a tremendous heart, and I want to give that love to someone...and better someone who needs it. The biggest issue is going to be money and being a single parent of a 4-13 year old child/ren (who still have to get familiar with you and accept that they can not have a life with their biological folks) and balancing commuting into the city or finding a new job in the suburbs. A challenge I am willing and wanting to accept.
When I think of desperate people...I envision someone who goes on a date and constantly talks about that one person or makes the 'relationship' happen a lot faster than it should. clingy almost. Maybe before that first date, they sleep around a lot, because men love sex and if you can get a man to sleep with you, then surely you can convince him to continue to sleep with you. Settling for someone because he is probably the only person you'll get.
I don't think I am desperate. Sure I want a husband and I want to create my own family and I think about it a lot...but in reality, I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. And I've proven this...I've been single for what, 7 years now? I had options and I didn't settle - but I also wasn't being super picky. During this time, I'd also like to point out that I did try dating people who are 'not my type'. I went on four dates with a man covered in tattoos and body piercings, I went out with a red head, I went out with a conceited man, I went out with older men (ManFriend was 10 years old and recently hanging out with a man up to 16 years older), I went out with younger men (down 3 years), I went out with a man of a different ethnicity, I went out with divorced men and men with children, I went out with men that make a ton of money and men that live with family/roommates because they don't make a lot of money, I went on blind dates, I went to a matchmaker, I did online dating, I went on group dates, I've gone out with people I wasn't sure about more than once because I wasn't judging a person after the first time, I was and have been more open minded. Most of the time these encounters didn't work mutually...it isn't all just me being mean/picky. And a few people lasted longer than it should have because I developed a 'friendship' and wanted to see if that would have changed things.
So, I don't see myself as desperate, I see myself as independent, and I think that scares some men away. I'm a great catch, and one day someone will appreciate me and love me for who I am. And you all should know this too because the men that I give these dates to/date casually - end up sticking around or want to catch up months later because they know how sweet I am and they want me to be happy. I am not going to settle for not being happy in a relationship just because there is one guy willing to be with me...there is so much more there, that I am having a hard time expressing what I want to say. There are more pieces to the love puzzle than just attraction or just brains or just conversation or just family or just values...and while I absolutely can compromise on what I think is important...it doesn't always work out. And certainly I am not looking for super good-looking - I actually stay away from them. I like the 'average' guy, a guy that isn't attractive but grows on you. A guy that others think is OK but you see and smile because to you, they are handsome. I wish I could show you some pictures of these guys...but I'd like for them to remain anonymous both in name and face.
And sure, I could date one of those guys and I can end up divorced because I settled or I thought I wanted something badly enough when I really didn't. I am just saving myself all that drama later, and not letting things that I know deep down shouldn't go further than they do. I know myself really well. Sometimes it is obvious that things shouldn't progress, and other times, like with ManFriend I seriously considered 'settling' for something and god knows I tried to open up enough and let him in and love him but there is something missing and I don't know what it is...we've chatted about this this week - why we can't move past what we have into a 'real' relationship. And you can't say I didn't do enough, that I was being picky or that I was desperate...because if I was desperate I would have thrown myself at him or forced myself on him sooner or said when he moved that I thought we should move in together. Sometimes, it is just not meant to be. And I know I am/will be happier without that weirdness of our relationship.
I am not stressed out about meeting my future husband, because he is either getting closer, or he isn't coming. And I am not going to stay at home waiting for him...I am going to start making my future happen even if he never shows up. Once the apartment sells and I wait a few months to save a bit extra, I am going to start looking into my next accommodations...and sure, I am going to purchase something I can't afford alone - like a townhouse. I want to feel like an adult and have a nice place to stay, and something that is a bit roomier for my possibly growing family. Because if my future husband doesn't arrive, then I am going to probably start in the next two years, seeking foster children and adoption. I have a tremendous heart, and I want to give that love to someone...and better someone who needs it. The biggest issue is going to be money and being a single parent of a 4-13 year old child/ren (who still have to get familiar with you and accept that they can not have a life with their biological folks) and balancing commuting into the city or finding a new job in the suburbs. A challenge I am willing and wanting to accept.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
not married because
I happened to catch a picture on Facebook that my best college friend T got remarried last night. T was married right after SI and I broke up, she cheated on her husband got divorced and moved in with him probably a year and a half ago. Now she gets married on the day ManFriend & I break up. Strange coincidences her getting married right after my breakups. So she's been married twice, I've been married - never.
So it got me thinking, some people are 'lucky' in the love/marriage department and other people like me are not. I am not sure why that is.
On a smaller scale, I started to think about why the two men I loved didn't want to be with me. For both, I am not 100% sure, it is all speculation. With SI, I know he wasn't happy that I gained weight and that I bite my nails...but that can't be the only reasons he cheated on me and decided he didn't love me. ManFriend, I am not sure either we communicated different and he was always upset that he felt that I didn't put effort into our relationship. I know I yo-yoed with my weight three times this year and a half...but so did he and you know, so did SI when we were together, so to break up over weight is stupid especially if they gained the same or more weight as me...and not offering to do something about it together. I like doing things together - hikes, bike rides, walks, yoga, maybe the gym. Not only would it bring us together, but we'd both reap the benefits.
I am not still single because of my cold heart and slutty tendencies because I am the furthest thing from that. I am so warm and sweet and kind that I bend over backwards to help people and try to enhance their lives. I don't think I suffocate them - but maybe it is more than they are used to. And I am 100% devoted to people I love. My sexual partner number is still less than 10.
I feel like I have such great qualities to give someone...why don't these gentlemen want it? With SI, at least he had a mistress waiting for him...with ManFriend, I mean, he could be involved with another, but he was such a loner and a person that spent a ton of time by himself that I find that a little hard to believe (but I've been deceived before because of my trust in others). So for him it was me or no one for the moment...and still he loved me in his way but not enough even though he claimed I was his angel and he wouldn't have made it the last 18 months without me and on top of that he said I was the best lover he's had so far. For me, those items are enough to want to continue. Clearly I am doing something to push men away.
This will all make me appreciate my future husband even more because he'll understand and appreciate me for who I am and it will be enough for him and we'll be really happy and all this will be silly.
I really hope that he comes soon.
Last night was the first night I lit my white candle, took out my 100 attributes for my future husband and said my novena to St. Anne asking for a special favor. I can only hope it works especially because I am not very religious. But what do I have to loose?
So it got me thinking, some people are 'lucky' in the love/marriage department and other people like me are not. I am not sure why that is.
On a smaller scale, I started to think about why the two men I loved didn't want to be with me. For both, I am not 100% sure, it is all speculation. With SI, I know he wasn't happy that I gained weight and that I bite my nails...but that can't be the only reasons he cheated on me and decided he didn't love me. ManFriend, I am not sure either we communicated different and he was always upset that he felt that I didn't put effort into our relationship. I know I yo-yoed with my weight three times this year and a half...but so did he and you know, so did SI when we were together, so to break up over weight is stupid especially if they gained the same or more weight as me...and not offering to do something about it together. I like doing things together - hikes, bike rides, walks, yoga, maybe the gym. Not only would it bring us together, but we'd both reap the benefits.
I am not still single because of my cold heart and slutty tendencies because I am the furthest thing from that. I am so warm and sweet and kind that I bend over backwards to help people and try to enhance their lives. I don't think I suffocate them - but maybe it is more than they are used to. And I am 100% devoted to people I love. My sexual partner number is still less than 10.
I feel like I have such great qualities to give someone...why don't these gentlemen want it? With SI, at least he had a mistress waiting for him...with ManFriend, I mean, he could be involved with another, but he was such a loner and a person that spent a ton of time by himself that I find that a little hard to believe (but I've been deceived before because of my trust in others). So for him it was me or no one for the moment...and still he loved me in his way but not enough even though he claimed I was his angel and he wouldn't have made it the last 18 months without me and on top of that he said I was the best lover he's had so far. For me, those items are enough to want to continue. Clearly I am doing something to push men away.
This will all make me appreciate my future husband even more because he'll understand and appreciate me for who I am and it will be enough for him and we'll be really happy and all this will be silly.
I really hope that he comes soon.
Last night was the first night I lit my white candle, took out my 100 attributes for my future husband and said my novena to St. Anne asking for a special favor. I can only hope it works especially because I am not very religious. But what do I have to loose?
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Nothing in common
One of my 'friends' had a baby 5 months ago. I was just invited over to meet the little guy. I went there with my mom and 2 other ladies.
Granted I had a migraine before I went over so I was a little out of it, but once the Excedrin kicked in and I felt better...I still barely talked. I have zero in common with her now and I had nothing to say when it came to stories of birthing children, raising a child and/or being married.
The 'friend' is two years older than me and reassured me that when it is my time she'll fill me in on all the things people didn't tell her. Sweet as that might be, so many of her comments upset me; I might never be in her position. And quite frankly I am getting tired of people assuming I have children because of my age or because why wouldn't I? Not everyone wants children, others can't have children and then there are people like me who hasn't met anyone to have a child with. I wasn't lucky in the love department - and I might never have the opportunity if or when I find a man I like enough.
So many people say I still have time. Even this 'friend' but then she spent 20 minutes talking about all the extra tests she had to have and how she had to be extra cautious. When I asked if she'd have another, she said absolutely not because it isn't easy at her age...and what about when the baby is older and the parents are elderly? And by the time I got pregnant and had the child - I'd be her age...which she claims is the line of 'too old'.
I agree with her rationale, I never wanted to be an 'older' parent. I don't have that kind of energy and I am not sure I'd want children so close in age - which I'd have to do because of my age and my husbands age, because he will probably be a bit older than me. And I am not close to getting pregnant, I have to meet someone and decide to have their child, that will take at least a year, maybe two. I won't be one of those people who accidentally get knocked up, not in my mid 30s.
At times it is hard to have friends whose lives keep changing and mine doesn't. I keep thinking I finally have a few good friends, and poof, they're lives change and I am not a part of it anymore. Sure we can be cordial, but they want to be friends with people they have more in common with. Playdate moms, park friends, PTA, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I am always very happy for them and I always buy a nicer present than I can afford. I get it, friends come and go. I just don't want to always be seen as the black sheep or the old maid.
Granted I had a migraine before I went over so I was a little out of it, but once the Excedrin kicked in and I felt better...I still barely talked. I have zero in common with her now and I had nothing to say when it came to stories of birthing children, raising a child and/or being married.
The 'friend' is two years older than me and reassured me that when it is my time she'll fill me in on all the things people didn't tell her. Sweet as that might be, so many of her comments upset me; I might never be in her position. And quite frankly I am getting tired of people assuming I have children because of my age or because why wouldn't I? Not everyone wants children, others can't have children and then there are people like me who hasn't met anyone to have a child with. I wasn't lucky in the love department - and I might never have the opportunity if or when I find a man I like enough.
So many people say I still have time. Even this 'friend' but then she spent 20 minutes talking about all the extra tests she had to have and how she had to be extra cautious. When I asked if she'd have another, she said absolutely not because it isn't easy at her age...and what about when the baby is older and the parents are elderly? And by the time I got pregnant and had the child - I'd be her age...which she claims is the line of 'too old'.
I agree with her rationale, I never wanted to be an 'older' parent. I don't have that kind of energy and I am not sure I'd want children so close in age - which I'd have to do because of my age and my husbands age, because he will probably be a bit older than me. And I am not close to getting pregnant, I have to meet someone and decide to have their child, that will take at least a year, maybe two. I won't be one of those people who accidentally get knocked up, not in my mid 30s.
At times it is hard to have friends whose lives keep changing and mine doesn't. I keep thinking I finally have a few good friends, and poof, they're lives change and I am not a part of it anymore. Sure we can be cordial, but they want to be friends with people they have more in common with. Playdate moms, park friends, PTA, etc.
Don't get me wrong, I am always very happy for them and I always buy a nicer present than I can afford. I get it, friends come and go. I just don't want to always be seen as the black sheep or the old maid.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
I'm a loser
You are going to think I am shallow after you finish reading this post...but whatever, they are my thoughts, my blog.
I occasionally try to do things out of my comfort zone - which normally involves doing something alone and/or talking to strangers.
I found a meetup where people were getting together to talk about travel and maybe finding someone you can travel with. I only signed up for the talk because they posted a trip that caught my eye...and I am in desperate need of a vacation. I am tired of not taking a vacation or going away because I don't have anyone to go with...so I figured why not try this?
I get there, and I was the first one - not surprising. So as people were coming in looking lost - I asked if they too were here for the meetup. So I chatted with the first person to arrive, and he was interesting - a world traveler. Little by little others drifted in; our organizer was no where to be found.
Then as we start doing our own introductions and getting the meeting together on our own, the music gets really loud. I have a sensory issue where once I hear music, I do not hear people talking. Add to that all the accents I had to decipher and I was quickly becoming miserable.
And here is where I am going to be really honest. I was sitting there looking around at the 12 out of 33 people that showed up...and I started to wonder. Is this what my life is coming to? Are these the kinds of people I will have to become friendly with? Don't get me wrong, most of them were super nice. Some were extremely creepy, some looked 500% desperate. But...I felt so out of place. But why did I feel that way? I mean, I am desperate, I am super nice...I am not creepy, I don't think. But we were all there because we don't have people to travel with (ie- enough friends). I just never would approach any of those people to be a friend, for a date, or to even talk to at work. Sure, I am jumping to conclusions and judging people by their cover...but aside from the lack of friends, I don't know how much I would have in common with most of them....even if I was lucky enough to understand them when they spoke. I wanted to think I was not discriminatory...I like a variety of people. And even if I am not friendly with other people, doesn't mean I have a problem with them in general...you know all those stereotypes. But reality is...I don't want to be friends with everyone. On some level that must be wrong. I feel guilty about it, but it isn't going to change the fact I don't want to take a trip with someone.
So I stayed for 90 minutes and left a bit depressed.
I really need to get away. I really need new friends/a boyfriend/husband. I really need to be more open to being 'friends' with people I never thought I would ever be friends with because...well, it turns out I am one of them loser-like people.
I occasionally try to do things out of my comfort zone - which normally involves doing something alone and/or talking to strangers.
I found a meetup where people were getting together to talk about travel and maybe finding someone you can travel with. I only signed up for the talk because they posted a trip that caught my eye...and I am in desperate need of a vacation. I am tired of not taking a vacation or going away because I don't have anyone to go with...so I figured why not try this?
I get there, and I was the first one - not surprising. So as people were coming in looking lost - I asked if they too were here for the meetup. So I chatted with the first person to arrive, and he was interesting - a world traveler. Little by little others drifted in; our organizer was no where to be found.
Then as we start doing our own introductions and getting the meeting together on our own, the music gets really loud. I have a sensory issue where once I hear music, I do not hear people talking. Add to that all the accents I had to decipher and I was quickly becoming miserable.
And here is where I am going to be really honest. I was sitting there looking around at the 12 out of 33 people that showed up...and I started to wonder. Is this what my life is coming to? Are these the kinds of people I will have to become friendly with? Don't get me wrong, most of them were super nice. Some were extremely creepy, some looked 500% desperate. But...I felt so out of place. But why did I feel that way? I mean, I am desperate, I am super nice...I am not creepy, I don't think. But we were all there because we don't have people to travel with (ie- enough friends). I just never would approach any of those people to be a friend, for a date, or to even talk to at work. Sure, I am jumping to conclusions and judging people by their cover...but aside from the lack of friends, I don't know how much I would have in common with most of them....even if I was lucky enough to understand them when they spoke. I wanted to think I was not discriminatory...I like a variety of people. And even if I am not friendly with other people, doesn't mean I have a problem with them in general...you know all those stereotypes. But reality is...I don't want to be friends with everyone. On some level that must be wrong. I feel guilty about it, but it isn't going to change the fact I don't want to take a trip with someone.
So I stayed for 90 minutes and left a bit depressed.
I really need to get away. I really need new friends/a boyfriend/husband. I really need to be more open to being 'friends' with people I never thought I would ever be friends with because...well, it turns out I am one of them loser-like people.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Boost to self esteem
As I’ve mentioned, spending the last few days with mostly
men, has been quite a boost to my self-esteem.
Three nights ago, about 4 of my coworkers were flirting with me or
stated something along the lines of me being attractive. One went so far to say he was astonished that
not only was I single but that I have the hardest time meeting men; he couldn’t
believe it.
Hell, even I can’t believe it. Many of the pretty girls become trophy
wives, the next level of pretty women have nice looking husbands. The
unattractive women still find husbands, and the average woman seems to be torn
between dating/marrying their high school/college boyfriends or have a slightly
harder time – but eventually they do.
Will I be the outlier?
Will I spend the rest of my life solo which I thought about after the
damage SI inflicted on me? Why do men
claim to be surprised I am single but yet don’t offer advice or a blind
date? I understand not getting involved
with a coworker, believe me I struggled very hard with the morals of
dating/fooling around with someone this year that may have been inappropriate,
so with a co-worker it would be even more difficult and the wrong person at
work could affect my job, which I need.
It was good practice; flirting with men and
hearing some compliments…I am looking forward to the opportunity to try it
again.
Friday, February 17, 2012
I need to take control of my time
Sometimes I wonder if I am so miserable that I have to rely on other people to help me attain happiness. In my head it makes perfect sense, but in reality I am always disappointed.
An example is when I take a day off from work, and I ask someone who I know has off, if they'd like to do something mid-day. They agree. However the night before they warn me that they now have lunch plans. Hmm, I am not happy about that, but I go along with it, I can be flexible (remember I am a great friend). So stupid me waits. I am not even sure if we are still hanging out. I don't make other plans because really what would I do and I was set on doing that. So I have a lazy day of not doing anything and then becoming sad that I have nothing to do and how I let this person screw up my day off.
What can I say, I am a little type A. I like to know what time I am meeting someone BEFORE that time arrives. I like to PLAN my day. Sure, I can be spontaneous when I am sitting around doing nothing and something comes up - I go for it, but it is different when I plan on something and the other person makes it spontaneous and a side thing if they get around to finding time.
Back to my example, so here I am thinking I am doing something during the day with this friend. I get a text at 4:00 that they just got home. I get out of work at four, that means, our plans are now evening or night, voiding the whole purpose of me asking them to hang out in the first place. After a little texting it was decided our original plans were obviously not going to work and we'd have dinner instead at 8:30pm.
8:30. What about from 4 - 8:30? That is four and a half hours. That is not quite how I wanted my day to go. In the late afternoon I came close to going to a movie but didn't thinking that lunch would have to be over soon. I know it is all my fault, because I am not supposed to wait around for other people, isn't that one of the cardinal rules? If anything that lesson was taught to me very well by SI...how I'd wait for him to get home, and he'd never show up. Thinking you have that one person you can rely on all the time, and he doesn't pull through for you...so what does that say about all these so-called 'friends' who are way less important than a live in boyfriend? If I knew the day before that I wasn't going to see this person until 8:30pm, my day would have been at least 70% different.
I know this is something I need to change about myself because it drives me crazy and has for years. I can't leave my need for doing things in other people's hands and I can't allow them to be responsible for my 'good/fun' days.
I need to make a list for my nights/weekends of things I can do by myself. Like this weekend I am thinking I know I have zero plans on Saturday...what will I do? I am tired of either doing nothing and feeling like I wasted yet another day or I am tired of people taking my time for granted, stringing me along when I could be making better use of my time.
I know you will say, "but Denise, you have a bucket list and you have goals...just work on them". Well, the problem with that dear readers, is that those are mostly 'larger' items that require money (which I don't have) and time (most of the traveling stuff I'd want to do for more than a few hours and some places I'd like to experience with other people). Sure there are a few easy things on there, but the timing might not be right...like I can host a back yard talent show whenever I wanted, but I'd like to do it with my children, which I don't yet have.
So, I know people read this aside from my 22 followers - so I ask you just to spend a few moments and write me a comment about things you do during your free time, or things you wish you had time to do. It doesn't have to be anything crazy., just things that will help me pass the time and not be so depressed that I am single and alone and miserable. Maybe I can even credit you when I meet my future husband from one of your suggestions.
An example is when I take a day off from work, and I ask someone who I know has off, if they'd like to do something mid-day. They agree. However the night before they warn me that they now have lunch plans. Hmm, I am not happy about that, but I go along with it, I can be flexible (remember I am a great friend). So stupid me waits. I am not even sure if we are still hanging out. I don't make other plans because really what would I do and I was set on doing that. So I have a lazy day of not doing anything and then becoming sad that I have nothing to do and how I let this person screw up my day off.
What can I say, I am a little type A. I like to know what time I am meeting someone BEFORE that time arrives. I like to PLAN my day. Sure, I can be spontaneous when I am sitting around doing nothing and something comes up - I go for it, but it is different when I plan on something and the other person makes it spontaneous and a side thing if they get around to finding time.
Back to my example, so here I am thinking I am doing something during the day with this friend. I get a text at 4:00 that they just got home. I get out of work at four, that means, our plans are now evening or night, voiding the whole purpose of me asking them to hang out in the first place. After a little texting it was decided our original plans were obviously not going to work and we'd have dinner instead at 8:30pm.
8:30. What about from 4 - 8:30? That is four and a half hours. That is not quite how I wanted my day to go. In the late afternoon I came close to going to a movie but didn't thinking that lunch would have to be over soon. I know it is all my fault, because I am not supposed to wait around for other people, isn't that one of the cardinal rules? If anything that lesson was taught to me very well by SI...how I'd wait for him to get home, and he'd never show up. Thinking you have that one person you can rely on all the time, and he doesn't pull through for you...so what does that say about all these so-called 'friends' who are way less important than a live in boyfriend? If I knew the day before that I wasn't going to see this person until 8:30pm, my day would have been at least 70% different.
I know this is something I need to change about myself because it drives me crazy and has for years. I can't leave my need for doing things in other people's hands and I can't allow them to be responsible for my 'good/fun' days.
I need to make a list for my nights/weekends of things I can do by myself. Like this weekend I am thinking I know I have zero plans on Saturday...what will I do? I am tired of either doing nothing and feeling like I wasted yet another day or I am tired of people taking my time for granted, stringing me along when I could be making better use of my time.
I know you will say, "but Denise, you have a bucket list and you have goals...just work on them". Well, the problem with that dear readers, is that those are mostly 'larger' items that require money (which I don't have) and time (most of the traveling stuff I'd want to do for more than a few hours and some places I'd like to experience with other people). Sure there are a few easy things on there, but the timing might not be right...like I can host a back yard talent show whenever I wanted, but I'd like to do it with my children, which I don't yet have.
So, I know people read this aside from my 22 followers - so I ask you just to spend a few moments and write me a comment about things you do during your free time, or things you wish you had time to do. It doesn't have to be anything crazy., just things that will help me pass the time and not be so depressed that I am single and alone and miserable. Maybe I can even credit you when I meet my future husband from one of your suggestions.
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