Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I am such a nice person. He feels really bad for ending our friendship. He has been thinking about what a nice person I am and that I didn't deserve for him to stop talking to me when his life was changing. Blah Blah Blah. I have gotten this from 1 girl and 6 guys or so in the last 3 years. Most of which I never even dated. This guy - slightly different. In middle and high school we had opposite crushes on each other. When I'd like him, he liked someone else. When he liked me, I liked someone else. It never worked out. At one point in college we actually made out for a little while and that was it. He found me again a little over 4 years ago, while I was happily committed and although he asked if there was any way we could date, I said no...who knew I'd be single just a month later? We did hang out a few times after I moved back home, but I was in no state of mind to do much of anything with a boy. I still felt like I was cheating on SI, even though I wouldn't have been. We did make out one time and it totally freaked me out. He ended up dating this other girl, getting her pregnant and ended up marrying her, which is why he stopped talking to me (he thought I would be a distraction -- hmm, doesn't it take two people to decide to have a relationship...I didn't want one with him). Not a big deal. I liked having a guy perspective, but it didn't bother me at all when we didn't talk.
I just don't get it. I have had this happen so many times. I understand people grow apart and don't have the desire to be friends, but I told a girl that I couldn't be her friend because I did not like the way she kept cancelling on me and causing too much drama. You can end friendships the civilized way now that we are adults, but more than not, people just stop talking to you....but then their conscience seems to eat away at them and a few years later they miss you. I don't have much to say in return. The relationship will never be the same.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciated his apology - but is it too little too late? And what is their real motive for reaching out now?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
If he wasn't such a self centered inconsiderate asshole, I wonder what my life would have been like. Like most girls, I wanted to live happily ever after or the real version of that. I imagine I would have one child by now, and considering a second. We would still be living in our house in New Jersey and I would have quit my job to stay at home. Maybe we would even be considering upgrading to something a little bigger/nicer. No doubt I'd have times were I'd be agitated that his work was still a number one priority and that kept him at the office late into the evenings but since he'd be the sole breadwinner, I'd accept it.
I get very upset with myself that I allowed this charade to last so long. I was overly optimistic and hopeful and wanted to believe everything he said. I mean, who lies? I don't so I expect everyone else to tell the truth. He didn't. And I am starting to think that he still does not. After my 'forgiveness' post, we went out one day, and he filled my ears with how wonderful it was, how attracted he still is, how he thinks he can still be the one for me, how he wishes he never did what he did, how amazing I am, how I deserve to be happy, he holds my hands, etc etc. I give him another opportunity and what does he do with it -- nothing. So really, why bother saying anything like that at all to me?
I miss living with someone. I loved having someone around me when I was home. Someone to talk to about any and everything. I resolve to stop thinking SI is the one and start thinking someone better is out there. And I really hope that someone makes an appearance soon - before I give up or before I decide to become a nun.
Four years. Eight years. That is a 'long' time. Now I think about everything else that could have happened in the last four years if I didn't allow him to keep me hung up. In four years, I could have went back to school. I could have met someone, got married and had kids. I could have moved far away or started a new job. I didn't do any of that. Instead I waited for him and his promises. And I saw younger couples get married and have kids. And I moped around not understanding how people were luckier than me. I am ready for SOMETHING to happen. I need a change. I am tired of this waiting for nothing.
What is that saying. If you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you, it is yours. Well, I set mine free, and he kept saying he'd come back, he'd fly all around me teasing me that he'd land, but in the end, he didn't. He hoovers but won't land. He is not mine.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Fast forward a few months, and now my dad always seems to have sunflower seeds. It is the nastiest thing. I hate being in the car with him because he is constantly spitting them out of the window when he is driving. It DISGUSTS me to no end. Just as much as chewing tobacco.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
- Thomas thin bagel flats - taste like a bagel when toasted. Less calories. I like putting an egg on it. I don't know if I can eat it plain.
- Tanga panties from Fredericks of Hollywood - super comfortable.
- Emerson dual alarm clock with am/fm radio - Last year I threw my alarm clock against the wall because of my upstairs neighbor. I broke it and recently purchased an Emerson (not the picture below, I must have an older version). I love this clock. The buzzer starts off nice and soft and gradually gets louder to wake you up so you aren't rushed out of your sleep by blaring noise.
5. Keratin Complex Shampoo - I get the Keratin Treatment done every few months and to pick a product with out sodium chloride is hard. Baby Shampoo or the Keratin Complex Shampoo and few others. I was trying to be more economical and use the baby shampoo instead of dishing out a ton for the Keratin Shampoo, but it does make a difference and I love how my hair feels after I use it. The conditioner is good too.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
They didn't. So, today, I go to the library to drop off the other books and tell them I had ruined the book and need to replace it. $21.99 for
I didn't give it back to the library clerk, I figured, if I was paying to replace it, I was keeping the book! And I was OK paying for it since 1) I am the libraries best customer (I think) 2) even though I am always paying late fees, they are like 10 - 30 cents... and 3) I can even take out a movie for a whole week saving me lots of money. So $22 for everything I have taken out over the last 2 years since I lived in this town is well worth it.
I look forward to reading this book at a very leisurely rate.
There is a Bamboo Grove that stirs with the breeze.
The pond has a lot of lily pads and is filled with fish, turtles and frogs. We spent the most amount of time around the pond looking at all the frogs and admiring the lily pads.
Friday, August 20, 2010
I know I am a type A. I like to plan. I don't like doing things at the last minute. I figured they didn't like thinking about this in March...they didn't like my suggestions...fine. I'll take the back seat. But doing that and watching them do nothing really annoyed me. I would rather just have done it all myself.
I feel really bad talking about my family this way. I do. I hope not to have to be in a situation like this where I take over at the last minute and I look like this unorganized unthoughtful person.
On a happier note, I drank a bottle of wine and two beers. Waking up for work this morning was tough.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
My 100th post also happens to coincidentally fall on my birthday. I had a feeling at the end of last week that it might when I realized I was up in the high 90s. So, I guess this post will be a little about my first 30th year. I have a page of 30 goals for my 30s. If you haven't checked out my other pages, give it a shot. I will say that I do NOT have 30 things listed yet, but nonetheless, some are not easy to accomplish.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I started to see a life coach. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was already working towards my goals. With my birthday lurking around the corner, at my meeting last week with Laura, we discussed that being with her is the stepping stone to achieving some of my goals. The goals I am working are the redish ones below. I think those need to be achieved before I can move onto other areas of self improvement.
- Enter a new real, loving relationship. Fall hopelessly in love and get married
- Buy a car
- Upgrade to a nicer place to live
- Pay down my debt (student loans, mortgage, credit card)
- Re-evaluate friendships. End those that are toxic.
- Start a new job with a higher salary (one I can actually afford to live on my own)
- Travel more
- Determine if having children (mine or adopted) is the right choice for me
- Become more social
- Do things that are out of my comfort zone
- Learn to accept and embrace that I am aging
- Make new friends that will hopefully carry through most of my life
- Become more secure in who I am
- Lessen my fear of bugs
- Become a better cook/baker
So I have at least begun my work, and I have 9 more years to do it.
I also have a page of my 'bucket list' and so for my birthday, I am taking a private intro class for Tae Kwon Do to see if I will like it. I have wanted to try this for years, but money is an issue, why do things need to be so expensive? Anyway, my parents were generous enough to give me a few lessons as a birthday gift :) I will blog more about that once I've had a 'real' class.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I liked it because it was in the here & now. And when you are sad or depressed, it is good to take things one step at a time.
"Approach a man, a date, a party, a trip thinking 'I am not seeking anything other than the experience I might have with you here this evening. I have no agenda other than discovering what it feels like to be with you, in your company, to enjoy this evening. Since there is nothing more that I want or need, I am free to show you who I am, what I think, and if I chose, how I feel'."
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I've often thought about my wedding, easy to do when you think you're marrying someone. Anyway, after hearing this story, I am still standing by my VERY SMALL WEDDING. Maybe immediate family only. Maybe slightly larger than that. I don't want to waste a ton of money on a wedding, and for the last 10 years or so I thought this. All of my sisters had 'normal' size weddings (150 - 200 people at a beautiful reception hall, etc) - and I really don't see the need. I guess that is one positive thing about 1) being the last in your family to marry 2) being older and smarter about money.
Society has changed is so many ways. It is acceptable to live with someone before marriage. It is acceptable to have sex before marriage. It is acceptable to get married outside of a church. In some states it is acceptable to marry someone of the same gender. Etc. So if our standards have changed, why must we assume the parents of the bride still pay for the wedding? Sure many many many years ago, the lady's parents paid the dowry (money, land, goods that a the bride brings to her husband in marriage - to help start the household) and/or a bride price and sold off their girl to a man's family. I do believe a more people are 'down to earth' in the sense that they don't believe in the traditional who pays for what; but it is shocking to me to hear a guy say that is expected when 95% of the wedding attendees will be his family.
I suppose I believe in paying what you can afford. No reason to go into debt for a wedding...especially when there is only a 40% chance it will last forever. The last thing I want it to be paying off a wedding for many years, or but my parents in a situation where they have to use retirement money on me. I'd rather them travel and do something for themselves.
A little history timeline on wedding cost for bride's family.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Oh well, next time.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
example 1. Someone failed an examination. They will call to complain about this. They will think of EVERY excuse under the book to try to get a free re-test or ask us to give them a point. HAHAHA. We will NEVER just hand out points so you can pass, and very rarely will we offer a free re-test unless the computer broke mid-exam. Hey moron, you might have failed the exam by one point...but you still missed 65 questions! Did it occur to you to actually STUDY?
example 2. They don't have the proper documentation for recertifying and expect that we can let one slide. I mean, what is 5 contact hours in the grand scheme of it all? Not enough 'proper' credits = denied.
example 3. They are now retired and not working, they want to recertify. But it clearly states, must be currently employed. Can't we just make one exception??
example 4. They moved and never notified us and their certification expired last year. Can't they still renew it, they don't want to take the hard exam over again? Why didn't we notify them. *It is their responsibility to notify us of change of address. And NO, it is their problem. Why should something this simple be a 20 minute phone conversation???
I might come across as a bitch, and I do think I am starting to become one, but I, myself, would never in a million years think to call a company and ask them to make an exception just for me, when all over their website and in their literature are the policies. Polices are there for a reason. Why do you think you are above and better than everyone else??? YOU ARE NOT. And I WILL make sure that you know it. I can argue right back (I would make an awesome lawyer, I've been told that since middle school) and these days, while I am not the happiest person, I do. I am waiting for the day when I receive my first 'complaint' letter. But people know better, can they really complain about the bitch they talked to on the phone because the information she gave was FACTS and POLICIES and because she didn't grant your request? Just because they don't like what I have to say doesn't mean they are right. Come to think of it, it doesn't make me a bitch, it makes me a GOOD employee.
Monday, August 2, 2010
So, in conjunction with attempting to do things for me...I thought I'd take a bubble bath. I make the water really warm/hot and add vanilla bubbles. I bring my book and slowly enter the super hot water. It does feel nice. I tell myself I will stay in until the water cools. I read a little of my book.
Five minutes later, I am getting antsy. I think to myself, this ALWAYS happens. I get so bored in the tub. The few other times, I have attempted to take a bath, as an adult, I find myself thinking of other things, not relaxing, and getting anxious about what I am supposed to do in the tub. Why can't I enjoy it? How long is 'normal' to spend relaxing?
Since I couldn't think of any good reason to stay in. I get out, while the water is still quite hot. Mission failed.