questioning fate

I've always believed in fate; things happening for a reason.

fate

  [feyt]  (dictionary.com)

noun

1.

something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: It is always his fate to be left behind.

2.

the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time: Fate decreed that they would never meet again.

3.

that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: Death is our ineluctable fate.

4.

a prophetic declaration of what must be: The oracle pronounced their fate.

5.

death, destruction, or ruin.

But maybe that is all rubbish.  Maybe I believed in that because I needed to justify all the bad & good things that have happened over the last 10 years.  But maybe there is nothing more to it.

Maybe people coming into our lives aren't because they are supposed to be there or because they are teaching us life lessons.  Maybe it is just chance that they are just there, that we don't gain anything by having them in our lives.  I need to stop wondering what the hidden meaning is; stop looking for something that will justify my actions; or stop remaining hopeful that people/things come to me for a reason.

But what kind of satisfaction is that?

I am cursed; my brain over thinks and I over analyze.  I am trying to justify things but who knows if it even matters in the scheme of fate. I'd like to think it does, because it will mean I remain hopeful.  And I need to be hopeful because it has to be better than before.

bathroom privacy

When you are home alone, do you close the bathroom door?

I never do; what is the point, I am already alone...I am certainly not modest in the other parts of my living quarters, and have walked around naked or mostly naked when I feel like it because - why not?  So why be all shy in the bathroom?

I also have left the door open when others are around, because honestly, I don't care.  do you?

Dating an older person

Back in the day it was commonplace for the man in a relationship to be quite older than the woman - think of all the princes and kings who sought a very young and beautiful brides and all the old rich men that sought out their future young wives.  Sometimes I read these historical fiction books and am somewhat disgusted that a 30 year old man is with a 15 year old woman.  Is it the 15 year old age difference that bothers me or is it that the woman are just generally very young?

Age differences when we are younger seems like a bigger deal.  I couldn't have imagined dating someone more than 3 years older than me when I was in high school or more than 5 years older than me when I was in my 20s.   After the breakup with SI one of my sisters who is ten years older than me could have set me up with her friends but I declined thinking he was too old.  I turned down a few older fellas because being 27 with a 40 year old seemed too much for me...where was my 35 year old man?  As we get older, I think a ten year difference is acceptable, but what about 15 or 20? What do you think of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones? The former Demi & Ashton? Is their age difference workable or are they just too different because they want different things because they are at different points in their lives? I know they are not the best examples since they are all rich and that makes life a little easier to get through.


Yet I have been exposed to some age differences from my great aunts and uncles...at least a ten year difference and I wondered as a kid...wow, when he was 10 she was just born and then I have some really gross thoughts.  Now however, I am in my thirties and my age range to date someone has expanded.  I am currently 32 and I am willing to date someone between 30 and 42.  [There is that magical 10 year age difference again]  While I was still hesitant to date someone at the top of my age range, I figured better be older than younger right? I don't want someone immature and I want someone with life experience and that can help show me the way.

Now, here I am sort of dating someone who is 42 1/2 and I do get a little freaked out. First, he was 10 (in grade 5th grade) when I was born.  He had sex for the first time when I was only 7, graduated college when I was only in the 6th grade.  He has ten extra years of life experience...that is a lot more relationships, traveling, experimenting, working, etc.  If I were to have children with an older man - will he be able to keep up? See his children graduate from college? Will I have to take care of him when he can't take care of himself anymore?  He will be ready for retirement when I would still have to work [although my dream is to be a stay at home wife/mother] and more than likely will die before me leaving me alone yet again.

Is this something I can really handle? I am not saying specific to this particular person because who knows about that...but age differences in general.  What are your thoughts?

What is more important passion or love?

It is a weekday night, you and your partner have been together for 4 years or more, there is no question that you love him/her, but you are missing something - passion. Do you remember passion? The strong, powerful feelings of sexual desire, when you can’t take your hands off each other. No doubt that most of your relationships started out with some degree of passion or lust. When I think of lust, the uncontrolled appetite or craving for sexual desire, I think temporary, perhaps like a fling or someone you don’t really see a future with.


What is so wonderful about passion is the feeling of being physically satisfied and the fun physical connection. You can’t wait to see someone because you can’t keep your hands off them; you know that the foreplay and sex will be fantastic. Passion, it is what keeps you going back for more and is one of the foundations of a relationship.

Soon enough all the passion leads to seeing each other more and then building a stronger relationship of getting to know one another on a different kind of level which eventually leads to respect and love. Love - the feeling of warmth and deep emotional attachment towards another person. Love is wonderful because you have the capability of being so comfortable with someone, having someone to count on and the ability to connect on an emotional level.

Even if your relationship started out as just sex but moved into a relationship can the passion be disguised as love? You go from casual sex to doing it more frequently to dating because of this one connection. After a while your heart may confuse this passion with feelings of love. What happened to the agreement of ‘just sex’? It was thrown out the door because something in your brain was telling you wanted to know that person more so you spend more time doing things other than having sex. Perhaps you know that it is not the best choice to start a relationship with this person based on some big differences, but your head is in the clouds because the pull for passion and feelings of the heart is larger than the argument in your head. You tell yourself that those differences can work out later because with feelings like this, how can you not be together forever?

But routines set in and soon you are left with love but little passion. Where did it go? Is it capable of coming back? Sure there are times you look at your partner and you find them attractive and you still are capable of having some great sex, but more often than not, something is missing, that little light of ignition that turns you on quickly is gone. What you are left with is an amazing level of comfort and reliability for the other person.

Obviously I am not an expert in this area, but I feel that most of the people I know are in relationships where the passion is gone. When I searched for passion on Google, I found articles more about turning each other on and giving into sex, than I did about keeping the passion. Sure you can have a great night here or there by trying something new but would it be long lasting or would it fizzle back out after a week? Even in my past when I can say I had a decent sex life in a relationship, it wasn’t always filled with passion; it was consumed by routine sex. I think it is healthy to have a decent sex life, to me meaning somewhere between 5 – 15 times a week. If I can do it that often then one could argue that there must be a little passion there and many times there was a small flirty spark but I think it was also habit: doing it in the morning at night and sometimes in the afternoon. Habits are hard to break. So was it a habit or was it passion or a little bit of both?

In relationships we tend to let ourselves go so if our partner gains a bit of weight, and we are slightly less attracted to them, we lose some passion. Sure the yellow flag could go up and we can tell our partner we should start exercising or dieting, doing things together to get back into shape and hope that it is enough to restore some of that passion. In some cases, such as mine, it is important to realize that both parties gained weight and it is unfair to only blame one person. Is the simple act of gaining weight enough to break up with someone or even an excuse to find passion elsewhere? Does the lack of passion that leaves you unsatisfied lead to cheating? Is that why my ex cheated? If we had enough passion what was his other reasons for his infidelity? Was he unsatisfied and if he was satisfied with his mistress, why did he still need me, something about her was unsatisfying too?

Can one remain satisfied without passion? If you aren’t getting hot for your lover, can you remain satisfied enough to stay with them for years to come? Will you be happy? Or is this something that a few years into the relationship you should be thinking about to end the relationship and hope that the next might work out better – or left to regret the passion decision.

What are you more fulfilled by: passion or love? And is it possible to have both in the long run?

He loves me; He loves me not

I was cleaning out my emails this week, and one of the starred (important) ones was as follows from SI's mistress:

Good morning. I know it’s ridiculous that I’m writing again already but I didn’t sleep at all and I realized something, which I wanted to share: SI loves you more. He wants a real life with you, not with me. I realized this when I was thinking about the timing of everything. He told me about you in July, I guess in the hopes that I’d just pack it in and go. And even after that, he still never really told you about me until you did some “research” and confronted him. He never intended to screw things up between the two of you; I guess it was my fault for not slinking off with my tail between my legs.So anyway, that’s what I’m going to do now. If you guys want to be together, I really do wish you every happiness. I won’t get in the way and I won’t be in his life. I sent him an email late last night, saying basically the same thing. I don’t want this drama in my life, and we all deserve to be happy at the end of the day.That’s all. I just thought you would want to know

This was about 5 years (October 14th).  Obviously SI's power of seduction worked because this did not happen - she was wrong (and in fact it became even less civil later), he won her over and she moved in; but you can see WHY I kept thinking it would work out. 

As I am making HUGE changes right now...ones I am not sure if I have thought all the way through and ones that scare me a little, how can I not think back to the chaos that has drifted my life in this direction?  Because of that, I feel like everything I do now is unsure. I have a horrible feeling I keep making the wrong decsions.  And even 5 years later, my life is no more 'settled' than it was during this chaos and I am still just as unsure about everything.

I want nothing more to rewind the last 5 years and start over...maybe 7 years.  I probably would not have settled down in my current area. If I knew when I left things were DONE DONE, I would have quit my job and moved away for a while, instead of floating by waiting for things to fix itself.

I am about to make a decision that will greatly affect me...and I have a hard time thinking about the long term consequences of it because I hate to think in the long term I'd still be single, at a job I don't like, not afford to live alone, etc.

Very confused right now. Not sure how to make the decision...flip a coin?

what comes first - a job or a move?

I am having my own version of which came first the chicken or the egg?  But instead of poultry, I am wondering about moving and jobs. 

No secret I am unhappy in my place of employment.  I look at jobs but am I being too picky? Can you be too picky about something you spend so much of your time at?  You have to enjoy it a little or at least be content otherwise that unhappiness drips into your personal life...which is happening to me now. That feeling is not good and needs to change.

So I keep wondering...do I find a new job and then move...or do I take a huge risk and move without something lined up and then look for a job?  That is not only risky...but I wouldn't know anyone.  Not that I have very many friends here - I seem to be busy a lot...and I don't really know with what.  What should I do first?

Within that question also comes my love life.  Sure it is still non-existent now, but I don't know what fate has in store for me.  What if I decide to move and then I change my fate of meeting someone here?  What if I move and then I don't meet my fh for another 10 years or so?  What if I stay here and then I miss my fh?  I know it is fate-and that it will happen, but I am still not convinced...I feel like I am the only single-decent looking-nice-not a lot of baggage anymore-who wants love & a family- person...I don't know why people are repelled by me.  I really wish that I had my fh now so then we can move together and start our family somewhere more wonderful (affordable) than the suburbs of NYC - unless he is rich.

My sister sent me a link to find your best place to live over at Sperling's.  Check out the link to take their quiz.  They also have links to articles about best places to live...like CNN Money's - which this year my town made it on.

So I took the test last night and San Francisco came up as my #1, Boston was #3, NYC was my #4, Newark NJ was #6...like I'd ever want to live there!....I guess I like things close by.   But the thing is, in reality, while I am living in it...I don't. I can't stand crowds or tourists.  So I retook the quiz and adjusted a few small answers....what did I get this time?

1 . San Francisco , CA (see San Francisco, CA)

Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: A-, Health: A Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

2 . Boston , MA-NH-ME (see Boston, MA)
Econ.: C+, Housing: C, Educ.: A, Health: A Crime: B, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

3 . Washington , DC-MD-VA-WV (see Washington, DC)
Econ.: C, Housing: C+, Educ.: A, Health: A Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

4 . Los Angeles-Long Beach , CA (see Los Angeles, CA)
Econ.: C, Housing: C+, Educ.: B, Health: B Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

5 . Seattle-Bellevue-Everett , WA (see Seattle, WA)
Econ.: B, Housing: C+, Educ.: B-, Health: B+ Crime: C, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

6 . New York , NY (see New York, NY)
Econ.: C-, Housing: C, Educ.: B+, Health: B+ Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

7 . Long Island , NY (see Long Island, NY)
Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: A, Health: A- Crime: A+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: B+

8 . San Jose , CA (see San Jose, CA) 
Econ.: C, Housing: C, Educ.: B+, Health: B Crime: B, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: B+

9 . Minneapolis-St. Paul , MN-WI (see Minneapolis, MN)
Econ.: B, Housing: C+, Educ.: A-, Health: A- Crime: C+, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A

10 . Denver , CO (see Denver, CO)
Econ.: B-, Housing: B-, Educ.: B-, Health: B+ Crime: B-, Recr.: A+, Culture: A+, Trans.: A+

#11 - 25:   Oakland CA, Chicago IL, Newark NJ, San Diego CA, Stamford-Norwalk CT, Bergen-Passaic NJ, Pittsburgh PA, Monmouth-Ocean NJ, Middlesex-Somerset-Hunterdon NJ, Baltimore MD, Philadelphia PA, Trenton NJ, Dallas TX, Danbury CT, Boulder-Longmont CO,


Not much different...the only thing that changed was the order of the cities.  A bit frustrating.  Maybe I am a city girl after all?  NO--> As it turns out the very LAST question asked about population.  Get rid of the over one million and the results do change a bit...instead of large cities (like above) they have smaller cities/towns.   It was funny to read that #8 on my list was Dutchess County (where I grew up)!  

Anyway...I am just so confused and I don't know what to do.  Maybe I want to change too much at once so then I don't change anything at all and I am stuck in the horrible rut.  Figures, I finally feel more confident in me as a person...but yet everything else just sucks.

Do you believe in fate?

Do you believe in fate?
Fate - that which is inevitably predetermined; destiny.

I have always believed in fate.  That things are supposed to happen for a reason, even though I don't know what the reason is.  For instance...why have I been at this job for so long when I don't like it.  Why haven't the resumes I sent out provided me with an interview? Why is this job part of who I am?  Am I supposed to meet someone through work or need this job in the city to bump into my future husband? Am I supposed to use the free time I have at work to do other things - like take an online course or look into a vacation, book it, go on it and  realize I am supposed to live in Brazil instead.  Will a business trip allow me to either met someone special or provide a work connection?  None of that could happen if I didn't have THIS job. 

But when is enough enough?  What if I don't book that trip for another FIVE years?  What if I don't take walks at lunch time?  I don't want part of my best years to be 'wasted' away alone.  I'd rather have someone to enjoy it with. 

Can fate change?  If it is predetermined can little things change your outcome? 

• What happens when I wake up tired and unsocial, so later in the day a cute guy smiles at me but I look away...and he was supposed to be the guy for me.  Will fate bring us together another time?  Will our paths recross until it works?
• What happens when I am destined to meet a doctor but yet - when I injure myself I don't see a doctor, I just wait for it to pass or don't rush to the hospital when my grandmother gets pneumonia. 
• Is it fate that gives me a headache on the train so I don't run the errands I planned to do and potentially meet a man at the supermarket - because that man is no good for me?
• What about me being too hesitant to pursue a relationship with a new stranger.  I get too nervous so we don't get past 3 dates because I worry about the sex thing. So I end it too soon. When will fate kick in and allow it to go further?

What happens if I miss out on my fate?  I asked my co-worker about this during the week, but she does not believe in fate.  So we just had a nice friendly discussion on both sides to the fate argument.  I then asked someone else who did believe in fate - and her reaction was more or less the same as mine but reminded me we need to show the universe we want our fate to be carried out and take its hints along the way.

Did you see The Adjustment Bureau? It plays with this idea that ultimately there is a predetermined course for everyone.  It showed that fate can change depending on the other circumstances of the 'bigger picture'.  I actually liked this movie because it toyed with the idea of fate and that is something I have been thinking about for a long time.

It is partially about the universe -did you read The Secret?  Five years ago I read it.  I tried telling the universe what I wanted. Every morning in the shower for two months I went over what I was asking the universe for.  I tried asking for very 'realistic' things; there was nothing like win the lottery.  I realized I had to get really specific because when I just said a boyfriend with dark hair, I was on a date 3 years later with a dark haired man that could have been a gorilla or when I wished for an apartment...and finally got one, I forgot to tell the universe I wanted an apartment with sound control and no bugs...but you know, I thought that was obvious.

What is fate's timeline?  Will I finally reach my journey of finding a wonderful man and then die?  That doesn't seem 'fair' but I guess nothing in the world ever is.  So it makes me wonder - why some people have it so much better or so much worse.  Fate takes on a domino effect that once you get to where you are supposed to be you will look back and realize that all these other things had to happen for you to get where you are.  

Fate is a great mystery to me but I hope it exists and will help guide me through life.  Only time will tell.

Thou shall not covet

Can you recite all ten commandments?  I forgot a few when I tried to think about them.

1. 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
2. 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
3. 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
4. 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
5. 'Honor your father and your mother.'
6. 'You shall not murder.'
7. 'You shall not commit adultery.'
8. 'You shall not steal.'
9. 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'
10. 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'

#1 simple enough.

I have no idea what #2 means.

Saying the Lord's name in vein - does that include when you mutter or call it out during sex?

Working on the 7th day - I am not sure how far that goes. Is it work for a pay check? Is it any manual labor? Is it running errands for our home?  We all do something on Sunday's.

Honor your father & mother - that is easy for me...but I understand that a lot of people hate or resent their parents. We should add honor your siblings too.

Committing murder and stealing - now those are upheld by the law. They must be the worst ones if you can go to jail for it.

Adultery - that is just when the married person cheats right?  That does not apply to the person without a commitment that engages in sexual activity with a married person? 

Covet - verb: 1) to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property.   2)  to wish for, especially eagerly: He won the prize they all coveted.  3) to have an inordinate or wrongful desire.  To wish and desire, provided you don't act upon anything  - is that really wrong? Why is that forbidden by God?   Sometimes when we see what other people have, we try harder to get there ourselves.  Perhaps it is motivation.  Perhaps it is jealously. Maybe it makes us immature comparing ourselves to others and maybe in the long run all that competition isn't good for society - but maybe it is good because it gives society options and the ability to think for themselves (to a point).  So we aren't supposed to covet something that is our neighbors/friend.  But what about our enemy or people we don't really know - is it OK then?

Either way, I broke one or two or three of these commandments yesterday.  And honestly, it didn't bother me one bit.

What would you do if an Ex wanted you back?

Do you read Chick-Lit books?  I started to after my breakup.  Reading about others misfortunes, bad relationships, romance and the happy ending were reassuring.  Even though the books were fictional, most could be based on real life events.  I would get so wrapped up and read and read and read to escape my sad reality and hope that one day my own story would have a happy ending.

What these books all had in common was the ending theme.  Where the girl who was hurt in love struggles to get her shit together and then starts seeing someone new who is amazing.   But she doesn't realize he is amazing yet...first she is still deeply upset about her ex and yearns to get him back.  Since that isn't a possibility, she dates this other fella.  Some time goes by and her memories of the ex fade.  She is content.  Then out of the blue, the ex reappears back in her life.  He wants her back; he realized he made a mistake.  Usually the girl is ecstatic and goes out with the ex only to discover she is miserable in his presence or misses her current beau, but sometimes she gets her satisfaction right then and there - and laughs in his face and says NO WAY you had your chance now it is too late, I am happy. 

I'll be honest, I haven't read a chick-lit book in a few years.  I found other books that I liked better...and I was getting annoyed that the characters were able to fix themselves and find someone new way faster than I was able to.  It was starting to depress me.

But the theme is something to really think about.  What would I do if an Ex wanted me back?

With Cop#1 it was all a physical relationship.  Nothing worthwhile would come of it.  And honestly...when he did reappear in my life, I went with it and enjoyed every second of it.  But at no point did I ever consider it would lead anywhere nor did I think about what our future would have been like, because I knew one wouldn't have existed. 

With SI he was my first real first and only love.  I should hate the guy, but I don't.  I think about it all the time, what my life would be like if we were together and if we would have lasted.  For the last 4 years I wanted nothing more than for him to come back to me (solo of course) and start our relationship anew.  I would love to tell you that if he came to me today and told me he was sorry and he wanted to marry me - that I would say no way...but the truth is, I still haven't met anyone else, and I know I was so happy with him in the beginning that I would be tempted.  I guess it is all just a matter of timing.  If I was in a relationship when he made his appearance my response would probably be "no way asshole, you know what you did to me? I am not that crazy to endure a life with you under those circumstances again". 

I guess it is pointless to think about it.  The likelihood of that ever happening is slim - but if it does, I can only hope that when he reaches out I am happy and secure with my life.  That my future man is amazing and I'll be like SI who?  But of course, I'll send him a thank you note because if he didn't break my heart into a million little pieces I never would have met my future husband and be so unbelievably happy and lucky.  All I want, in the long run, is to be happier than he will be.  I know, that is wrong, but it is true.  It just sucks that I have to wait to long for the future to align for me. 

What would you do if an Ex wanted you back?

Why do some people make you feel worse about yourself with out even trying?

The other day I blogged about wishing bad thoughts on people.  I find it necessary to follow up.  So, sure, I wrote that post with someone in mind.  When I found out the 'news' I was actually a little upset that it was a complete blown out of proportion self diagnosis and instead, ended up shedding a few tears realizing how put together someone is becoming AND taking better care of themselves.  It was like a blow to my face.  Unintentional of course, but it seemed to me, the over analyzing person I am, that it was like look - I am not with you and I am bettering myself.  I go to the gym, I do yoga, I am eating better, I have a ton of money, etc.  It shouts I am a better person in my life, than you.  So, while I am happy that my enemy does not have a fatal disease, I was looking forward to a little unhappiness, but the only one unhappy is me.  No surprise there.  I guess it is what they say - the only person feeling bad about things is you.  The other person is over it and doesn't care.  I need to let go.  I just don't know how.

Overthinking

Are you like me? Do you find yourself constantly re-reading emails or doing things to torture yourself?

I am having a perfectly fine day. Work gets a little slow so I decide to re-read my emails from SI from 2 weeks ago about the forgiveness thing. I tear up again. I don't know why I do it. But I do. And it isn't just things to do with him, I do it with other people too, I have re-read the nasty email my neighbor sent me, emails from potential suitors, or the emails from SI's mistress (thank goodness not recently, but I refuse to delete them...just in case) and of course my responses I will re-read over & over again long after they are sent. I re-play in my head conversations that I wish I said other things. Maybe I try to find more subtle meanings or wish I responded differently, I don't know.

I over think a lot and I am now very cautious about a lot of things. It does interfere with not only my job, but my life. Sometimes I wish there was an easy way of turning that off.

I'm a push over, so what?

A pushover:

push·o·ver  –noun (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pushover)
1. Informal . anything done easily.
2. Informal . an easily defeated person or team.
3. Informal . a person who is easily persuaded, influenced, or seduced.

I was told by some guy I am very informally talking to that it bothers him that I am a pushover. I'll admit in parts of my life I am, I am not hiding that. But, does it have to be a bad thing? I think there are parts of our personalities that fall into different categories.

For example, I am definitely a push over when it comes to where to eat. I honestly DON'T CARE. I eat enough food that I should be able to find something I like, anywhere. And if I am really against someplace, I WILL let you know. But for the most part, I am flexible, I'd rather make you happy. It truly does not matter to me one bit where I go, just that I enjoy the company - and if you are paying...even more reason to let you pick. If I am cooking for you, more than not I am the one deciding what to make. If I really am craving something I will tell you. AND if you know me, you'll know where I like to go and you'd pick that since you know its my favorite. If that makes me a pushover, so be it. I don't care.

example #2 - My job requires me to talk to a lot of people. People talk to me on the phone like I am their servant. But, since my job requires me to actually do work, I take it all with a grain of salt. However, when some doctor thought he was above me and spent 10 minutes yelling crazy stuff to me, I had no problem raising my voice and sticking up for myself. Sure, I could have gotten fired because we don't do that...but I was NOT going to allow him to say those things, get away with it and make ME feel crappy about something that wasn't even my fault. And you know what, that horrible man called me later to apologize. I did not easily accept his apology, but he realized he was wrong, and hopefully learned his lesson that the person on the other end is a person too. verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER.

example #3 - I am seriously dating someone, they suggest I cut my my super long hair or buy this skirt or these jeans. I do it. Why? A few reasons. 1) They have to look at me everyday, I want them to like what they see. If they like short hair, they can have it. I don't care, it will grow back. If I don't look retarded, why not? A new brand of jeans - that he paid for, sure I'll be happy to wear those. And you know what, I eventually like them anyway. What's not to like, its just clothes. They guy wants you to look nice for him, and you should. A women should be amenable to changes to please someone, they are simple and make him happy to be with you, its win-win. And you know what - it is no different then agreeing to play out some sexual fantasy the guy likes...and of course that isn't construed as being a push over - it is expected. There is no difference. 2) Sometimes you loose tract of time, or in my case, I wear contacts all the time, and my glasses were really old. I don't know how to pick out glasses, so why not let someone else do it? It makes you feel like you are sharing a life.

me: Hey. so i was just wondering. Did you stop liking me 5 years ago because I am a pushover? It was just brought to my attention that that seems to be a big problem for me. You dont need to answer, but i was curious. Sent at 3:05 PM on Monday
SI: No. I actually found that to be a fun, easy going quality.That was one of the things I liked most about youthe ease with which we got along Sent at 3:28 PM on Monday
me: Thank you for your honesty
SI: you're welcome

Verdict: MAYBE a pushover - maybe it just depends on how two specific people get along?

example #4 - someone easily controlled. Unfortunately, I can tell you my verdict right away: YES, pushover. Unfortunately I did spend time in a controlling relationship. It was not as bad as you see in lifetime movies, but all those slightly controlling times do add up. It is hard to explain, but the constant cycle of being told to do this, doing it and seeking approval eventually does change you. You are constantly left with feeling you need to prove your love by doing something this way or doing that because that is what they want. You are struggling to make him happy so he doesn't follow through with what he has threatened. It is emotionally draining and you do not realize it until way later. Even after my breakup, this cycle continued with him for another 2 1/2 years - regardless of how much he hurt me, I was 'fighting' with the need to please him. It wasn't until recently, that I was able to break away enough to look from an outside perspective and see the damage. People that have not been in these situations and talk about how stupid women are to stay with men in abusive relationships - should not judge them, you have NO CLUE. My relationship was not physical abuse, thank goodness. But the mind games eats away at you.

example #5 - Hooking up with guys. I am definitely NOT a slut. I have had relations with very few men. After my breakup, I knew I needed to move on, and to do that, it is helpful to hook up with someone, so you aren't constantly thinking about your ex & how awesome the sex was. Against my better judgement, I did, willingly, let myself be persuaded to hook up with someone I was not interested in. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and experiment, but when it came down to it, I did stop myself. I did not continue hooking up even when I had nothing else going on. I did put my foot down and continued to say no.

me: do you have an example of me NOT being a pushover?
Sent at 11:24 AM on Monday
BOY: You have a backbone
me: I am trying to figure that out.
BOY: you've turned me down before
Sent at 11:31 AM on Monday
me: I guess, but I also said sure, you can feel my boob, but my bra is staying on. Then it was off in like a minute. And then I said that about my pants too.

example 5b - I am the obsession of a man's desires. I keep turning that boy down too. I was rude to him when he drunken called me at 2am for a bootycall. I was not easily persuaded to do it again with him. I'd rather go through a long dry spell then do something I am not comfortable with.

verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. If I was, I would be a slut.

example #6 - I'm on the train and pregnant lady asks to sit. Men don't move - pretend not to hear, I get up and offer my seat. Verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. I did it out of kindness, and all those men should be ashamed of themselves for not being kind.

So, I like making people happy. It makes me happy. I like helping people, I like seeing people smile. And it if it because I say "YES" or apologize too often, so be it. When something bothers me enough, I WILL stand up for myself. When I do not agree with something you say, I might point it out. All I ask if for those kind things to be reciprocated once in a while. I am a little envious of others who do not care about what other people think, but I am not like that. I could try for a day, but I would not be happy. If me being a pushover is a quality you don't like about me, I really don't care, we don't need to be friends and I will spread my kindness to others.

Why do men design women's bathrooms?

Last year the floor of my office building began renovations. Many people had mixed feelings about this, but I didn't mind - a little updating is always a good thing: new bathroom, new floors, new doors, new elevator marble, etc. For two months we had to use the restrooms on other floors and when ours finally reopened it was great. However, all the other ladies on the floor and I thought - why do men design women's restrooms? They have no understanding about the space we need - and I like to consider myself restroom low maintenance. They removed our full length mirror, they installed automatic flushing toilets, automatic soup dispensers and automatic sinks. It's great they are helping with sanitation. BUT the toilets flush too quick, the soap comes out when you don't want it, and your hands need to be in the exact right spot for the water to come out. There is no doubt that my building is paying more in water now (or is city water still free?) or at least wasting a lot more of it.

I do not sit on the toilet to pee - I squat over it. However, whatever I do, the toilet flushes about 2 to 3 times before I am even out of the stall. Now, I won't lie, I guess I have some squatting issues. I realized this when I was in the Redwood National Park with McGriddle Pants. We had to pee - and the trees were huge. I peed on my pants. I couldn't figure out how to squat enough to get the pee go straight and land only on the ground - without removing all my clothes. McGriddle thought it was hysterical. I guess that is what amuses you when you are an expert at using the woods...

http://anne-a-bell.blogspot.com/2010/04/does-bear-shit-in-woods.html

Where was I? Oh right, so not only that, we have a narrow hallway that opens to a decent size 'lobby' of the bathroom - yet the stall doors are almost right up against the toilet & the new paper dispenser sticks out, so when you enter the stall, you have to shift sideways around the toilet to close the door - and risk getting other people's pee all over you (YES, I wipe any pee drips before I exit, but shockingly 90% don't - it is gross). There is so much room they could have easily come out a little to make it roomier in there.

Today someone was bitching about the full length mirror being gone - so I told her "I'm not sure why they did that either, but why don't you just stand on the toilet, you'll get the same result". She laughed like I was the funniest person she ever met, yet secretly, I hoped she'd fall in.

Do opposites attract?

Lately, a lot of things are surprising me and slowly I am learning more and more about myself. For a long time I had a 'type'. I liked the same 'type' of guys. Lately, a friend was nice enough to point out to me that my 'type' clearly isn't a good kind for me, otherwise I wouldn't still be single and have had the bad experiences I have. I never thought of it that way, until very recently.

Of course there were a slew of 'bad boys' that I was attracted to and flirted with back in the day but I would not allow it to go further because they did not fit this 'type' I was looking for. I don't think I missed out on the "what if". I like to think I am a good judge of character (that may be debatable) otherwise, maybe I would have pursued it a little more, but I like to think that some instinct told me *danger* and stay away, as some people are just too opposite to ever work out.

However, lately, I am starting to think that some people can really surprise you and I find myself making decisions that flat out shock me but also that make me smile.

Lesson Learned Yet???

Staying with my word about trying to blog more often...here it goes, as I wait to get together with a few friends for March Madness.

How many times does it take to learn a lesson?
Me, clearly not enough. So, I had a business trip to Chicago, I asked around, none of my friends wanted to go - so eventually the Ex said he would go. He claimed a trip like this is what we needed to move past our issues (mind you we've been broken up for 3 1/2 years. LOL) and get reacquainted with one another. I was excited, but skeptical. He purchased his flight - and sent me an email confirmation and then proceeded to not speak to me for 3 weeks. As my trip neared, I had a feeling I'd be going solo and quickly asked if anyone else wanted to get away last minute. The day before I was to leave he messages me saying it isn't a good idea. No other explanations, although he did deny being married, getting married or having a baby that weekend.

So for the twelfth time, I told him I was done, that was his last chance. Of course he didn't believe that because I've been "hooked" (from HIMYM - being strung along by one person who wants something more - Season 5 Epsiode 16).

Have I learned my lesson? I don't think so. BUT because we haven't been speaking it doesn't bother me as much. Well, not that day, I cried like our breakup was brand new. AND as if I couldn't be anymore childish or irrational, I told a guy I'm friends with (7 dates in 13 months) that I'd go to Mexico with him. AGHHH - I've never been away like that with a guy - the trip is booked, I can't get out of that one anymore. So NO my lesson was NOT learned...again.