a new friend

I actually left the house today to have lunch with this gal.  I'd like to say we are friends now...and I am very happy about that because I went to a meetup for female friends last week, and I didn't think any of them were good friend material.  An acquaintance sure, but I want a good friend.  This friendship came on a good day, as I started to feel a little lost and hopeless.  And what is even better is she has two adorable little boys, and its like they can be my pseudo nephews.

the goodbyes

The goodbyes are really hard, but then again, I knew they would be.  There were people that I knew I wasn't going to see before I left, and I felt that my card was sufficient enough to at least inform them of my departure.  But it is the other people, my two good friends, my aunts/uncles/cousins, my neighbor family and of course my family.

I've been crying more than I had hoped.  If you saw me, you would wonder if I was being exiled against my will.  I know that this is what I am supposed to do, and I know I will be happy so why do I tear up and cry when I hug my friends?  I guess it is because I was fortunate enough to find a handful of people that I really like here and I am moving to where I don't know anyone...and to give that up is hard.  It is always hard to say goodbye to people you care about.

thank you moving cards

When ManFriend passed away, I was left with the feeling that I didn't know if he appreciated our friendship / cared about me like I did him.  I was hurt and angry that he died and I didn't get to say goodbye.  But I realized in his way, he did reach out to me, he called me right after he got the news and he saw me twice. Even though he lied to me, he did what he needed to do so he could die knowing he saw me and talked to me and told me how much he valued our relationship at the time.

I think it is important to tell people that, and while moving is not the same as dying - I felt like I needed to tell my friends how thankful I was for our friendship, and realistically I know I won't see many of them ever again.  I had thank you cards made up notifying them of my move and thanking them for all their support, love and friendship over the years.  Aside from the words I had on the card (front or inside) I added personal messages to everyone.  Writing many of the cards resulted in teary eyes as I thought about all the great memories they've given me.

neighborly help

One of my biggest issues is my lack of friends...and for a single person, friends are a bit of a requirement.

I have a few friends but they are married with kids so I don't really hang out or talk to them all that regularly.  Bank Boy is probably my only non-married friend...but he usually brings up the fact he wants more.  Over the last few years, I've bitched and complained that I want better friends.  Ones that will go out of their way once in a while for me, like I do for others.

So imagine my surprise when I got a fever last night and needed some Advil or Tylenol.  I was too weak to move around too much or go out, so I messaged two of my neighbors to see if they had anything.  They both responded very quickly.  One came over with cold medication, which I didn't need, and claimed he was at CVS and would pick some up...coincidence?

The fact that someone would leave their nice warm apartment to walk to the store (OK, so it is just around the corner) for me is kind of amazing.  I couldn't stop thanking him for his actions.

Apparently my being nice to others does eventually come back around to me.



(although while I was waiting for my delivery, trying not to fall asleep, I messaged Mountain Man to chat with me.  He started to talk about the weather out there.  Hmm, weather is a topic that people bring up when they have nothing to say to the other person...just more clarity that is done.  So I thanked him and wished him luck, in everything.)

attributes of people of my past

Last month after I wrote down my needs/want of people, my life coach asked me what kind of people I was attracted to, maybe there is a theme.  I figured the only way to really figure this out was to make attribute lists of some important people in my life (at the time I knew them).

Cop#1 - sexy voice, very good looking, nice build, knew a lot about the city, introduced me to some new things, close with family, position of power, brave, cheater, liar, gave lots of compliments, goofy time together, laid back, handy, manly, a little shy (when we met, but not so much as an adult), small group of close friends, puts me on a podium, great lover

SI - thoughtful, a little romantic, very generous, made me feel special, easy to talk to, liar, cheater, manipulative, selfish, arrogant, emotionally abusive, broken promises, not a sports addict, occasional smoker, a little geekish in a cute way, smart, introduced me to new things, always helpful, not handy, conversationalist, a smiggen metrosexual (appreciate that more now than 10 years ago), larger family

ManFriend - older, teenage humor, selfish, con artist, veneer teeth, boring, unadventurous, sports addict, into cars, into music, loner, close with family, extremely not handy, ungrateful, unthoughtful, drank a lot, barely able to cook, typical bachelor, way too much hair product, a little ghetto/sleezy, broken promises, arrogant, frugal, small family, does things to get ahead regardless of consequences, was a male slut in his younger days (maybe currently too), great kisser

Parents - nurturing, caring, helpful, kind, considerate, generous, wishful, talkative, supportive, loving

Siblings - indecisive, caring, helpful, talkative, loving, friends

Friend S - feel comfortable around, sweet, thoughtful, kind, easy to talk to, similar interests, similar values, trustworthy, laid back, feels like a sister, fantastic memory, loves to travel

Friend K - helpful, kind, similar personality, similar problems, easy to relate to, trustworthy

Friend - Family D - kind, sweet, generous, easy to talk to, fun, social, big family, like family, loving, caring, easy going, trustworthy

Ex-Friend P  - go-getter, decisive, helpful, strategic, exercise fanatic, outgoing
why we aren't friends anymore: I was too depressed, I brought her down and we were at different points in our lives and didn't understand the other person's problems.  When we attempted friendship again, it was awkward and we were different, and didn't fit into each others lives anymore.

Ex-Friend T - social, outgoing, center of attention, party girl
why we aren't friends anymore:  didn't support me emotionally in my time of need

Ex-Friend A - single, hard worker, trendy, crafty
why we aren't friends anymore: not really sure

Ex-Friend J - sweet, different work ethic, not a go-getter, ungrateful, immature, slut
why we aren't friends anymore:  didn't value my time

Ex-Friend M - wild, party girl, adventurous, took risks, fun, outgoing, promiscuous, cancelled plans for horrible reasons, cheated on husband
why were aren't friends anymore:  didn't value my time
but she was very important to me because of her, I met some of my friends I have now...and for that I am so grateful.

Ex-Friend K - nice family, good values, fun, nice, easy going
why we aren't friends anymore: drifted apart after high school

So, there are some similarities.

• I find friends that have similar values as me, and when I realize they don't, they aren't my friend much longer
• people that are too high maintenance or need a lot of attention - they don't fit into my life
• the men I've dated have all been dishonest - a trend I know about and will prevent again!
• I don't have friends or male friends that are ultra good looking, conceited, are too loud and obnoxious or were only children
• I like people that value family, honesty and hold promises
• I tend to be friends with people with problems...then I try to fix them, and then they don't need me anymore
• I've introduced several people who became great friends with each other and forgot all about me

need & wants of people

After my breakdown last month, my life coach suggested I write a list about what I need & expect from people that cause me stress.  here is my homework.

I love lists, so why not give this a try.

Want - to feel a need or a desire for; wish for
Need - a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation
dictionary.com 

What I want from a lover                                    What I need from a lover
*faithfulness                                                             *honesty
*honesty                                                                  *faithfulness
*a little romance                                                       *to feel comfortable around them
*reassurance                                                            *my family to like them
*emotional support                                                   *to like his family & friends
*happiness                                                               *companionship
*appreciation                                                           *love
*to be told they desire me                                         *adventure
*slightly more outgoing than me                                 *conversation
*encourage me to try new things/better myself           *to say thank you or show thanks
*to call/return call in timely manner                               in small ways
*value my time                                                      *respectful of others
                                                                                 *understands my fear
                                                                                 *to do things together


What I want from friends                                       What I need from friends
*to do things with                                                     *emotional support
*understanding that single life is different                    *no stupid excuses
  than theirs                                                               *to get together socially
*to call/return call in timely manner                             *respectful of others
*value my time                                                          *gratitude
*motivate me to do better                                          *time
*similar values                                                           *not to judge me
*similar sense of humor                                             *keep secrets
*no peer pressure
*no back stabbing, not overly gossipy
*similar interests
*gives good advice
*understands my fears
*can disagree with me w/o ruining friendship
*honest (food in teeth, dress makes me look fat, etc)
*generosity
*to be set up on a blind date?

What I want from family                                       What I need from family
*understanding                                                         *understanding (single at 30
*to hang out, sometimes without the kids                     vs their lives)
*trust, don't doubt my answers                                  *to be treated as an adult
*not everything revolves around the kids                    *more decisiveness
                                                                                 *help

These lists are just the beginning....soon I'll have to make my needs/wants/expectations known because having my needs met means I will be happier and less stressed.  I am a realist...I know broaching these subjects softly and maybe even slowly will needed and I am not going to discount someone just because they can't fulfil all my needs...But seriously, I am just tired of the way I let people treat me, it isn't right, and I am ready to stand up for myself and be a little more assertive.  baby steps.

summer bbq fun

This past weekend I helped to plan a BBQ with my favorite family.  The party was the result of our March Madness brackets - and I was in the loser half which meant I had to plan, buy, prep, cook and serve the food to the winners in addition to providing some sort of entertainment.

I used luckypotluck.com to enter the items that I wanted the other losers to do.  It worked out really well with people signing up for items and taking control of certain parts of the day.

I also hosted a houseparty that got to sample Redd's Apple Ale. The ale tasted a bit like apple juice / apple cider, it was pretty good, but I wouldn't drink a lot of them at once.  Party favors included bottle openers and those foam bottle things that catches the condensation.

The lunch menu was typical BBQ - hamburgers & hot dogs with the typical sides.  The dinner menu included chicken or beef kabobs and ribs.  I wanted to do something a little different (there was a rub, a marinade and homemade BBQ sauce), so the ribs I made for the BBQ I made only once before when I lived in NJ and had a BBQ but I remember everyone loving them...and they did this time around too.  I was happy since this crew could be picky eaters.

First, we honored the winners with winner medals - making them feel even more special.  The losers were all identified by our matching outfits.

For the 'entertainment' portion of the party, my sister and I planned a team relay race that included 6 tasks:  potato sack race, swim a lap, hula hoop 5 times, transferring water from bucket to bucket, building a Lego tower on a plate that you hold while balancing on one foot and finally picking out 23 cherries from a pie.  Since there were about 12 people for each team, these tasks were done twice and the game ended with a puzzle of which the pieces were given upon completion of each task.  The 'winners' won the relay race by just a few seconds.

The rest of the day & night were spent talking to each other and having a great time.  I am glad our friends had a pool because it was unbelievably hot.

Nothing in common

One of my 'friends' had a baby 5 months ago. I was just invited over to meet the little guy. I went there with my mom and 2 other ladies. 

Granted I had a migraine before I went over so I was a little out of it, but once the Excedrin kicked in and I felt better...I still barely talked.  I have zero in common with her now and I had nothing to say when it came to stories of birthing children, raising a child and/or being married.

The 'friend' is two years older than me and reassured me that when it is my time she'll fill me in on all the things people didn't tell her.  Sweet as that might be, so many of her comments upset me; I might never be in her position. And quite frankly I am getting tired of people assuming I have children because of my age or because why wouldn't I? Not everyone wants children, others can't have children and then there are people like me who hasn't met anyone to have a child with. I wasn't lucky in the love department - and I might never have the opportunity if or when I find a man I like enough.

So many people say I still have time.  Even this 'friend' but then she spent 20 minutes talking about all the extra tests she had to have and how she had to be extra cautious.  When I asked if she'd have another, she said absolutely not because it isn't easy at her age...and what about when the baby is older and the parents are elderly?  And by the time I got pregnant and had the child - I'd be her age...which she claims is the line of 'too old'.

I agree with her rationale, I never wanted to be an 'older' parent.  I don't have that kind of energy and I am not sure I'd want children so close in age - which I'd have to do because of my age and my husbands age, because he will probably be a bit older than me. And I am not close to getting pregnant, I have to meet someone and decide to have their child, that will take at least a year, maybe two. I won't be one of those people who accidentally get knocked up, not in my mid 30s.

At times it is hard to have friends whose lives keep changing and mine doesn't. I keep thinking I finally have a few good friends, and poof, they're lives change and I am not a part of it anymore. Sure we can be cordial, but they want to be friends with people they have more in common with. Playdate moms, park friends, PTA, etc. 

Don't get me wrong, I am always very happy for them and I always buy a nicer present than I can afford. I get it, friends come and go. I just don't want to always be seen as the black sheep or the old maid. 

Lifestyle Board

Back in October my book club decided we were going to make lifestyle boards.  The first quadrant (top right) is career and ambition, the second is family and entertainment, the third is travel & leisure and the fourth quadrant is nostalgia.

Essentially you are selecting pictures that represent items in the categories (example: I might have a skyline of NYC but it might represent a large city or certain games - but it represents any board games, not necessarily one or two of them).

When we started out I thought the hardest quadrant would have been nostalgia, but I was wrong, the hardest part for me was my career & ambition.  I really don't know what I want to do, sure I want to volunteer more, but what else? I struggled with this for months.  The easiest quadrant for me was travel & leisure, and I still didn't have enough room.

This exercise was fun and really made me think.  I recommend that you make one too.

A friend like me

I am a great friend; the best.  I would love to have a friend like me, but I don't. 

Examples of how I've been a great friend in the last twelve months:

• Bought a housewarming party for an old friend because I knew he didn't have family support and I wanted him to know that people in this world care for him and want to help him. I spent about $120 on this. 
• I helped a friend clean an apartment that needed to be sold.  It was tough work, and sure I got paid for it, but that is not my thing and I wouldn't have done it but I knew if I was in that situation I'd want help too.
• A friend was laid off and I bought some very basic necessities while I grocery shopped and delivered them ($40).  I also got in touch with several leads for him for new employment.
• I babysit my friend's kids for the first time because she was in a bind and I knew she needed to get out.
• I baked cookies for my co-workers and a few other people
• I drove an hour so my sister could have a two drinks (I hoped she'd have more)
• I donated money to any cause when anyone asked me
• I helped a friend box up all her stuff so she could move out of her apartment after a breakup
• Took my tenant out to dinner after he moved in to make sure his move went smoothly and addressed any questions he had
• Attended events that sometimes didn't interest me so friends wouldn't have to go alone
• Bought lots of baby gifts - even for people I rarely see
• Attended a few boring showers/weddings
• Rearrange my schedule so I can do something with someone who asked for help
• Gave a few small gifts to people throughout the year when I was thinking of them or knew they'd like something
• Went out of my way to drop something off to someone
• Ate according to their diet
• I waited way to long for way too many people and pretended it didn't bother me

That is just a few.  By nature I am a very sweet, caring, helpful, and understanding person.  I want to do what I can to help other people in whatever ways they need it.  The problem usually arises when I help someone my way, when they don't understand me.  Someone called me crazy just this past weekend...but I am not crazy, I just wanted to help.  I am not rich and I would love to do more, but I do what I can.  Sometimes I get a 'Thank you" sometimes I do not.  I am not doing it to get something back each time - but I'll be honest, I wish I had more friends like me. 

Sometimes I feel like when I need help no one is around.  When I ask questions, people ignore me.  When I want something, no one is there for me.  Or they agree but at the last minute cancel.  Sure I have my family...but it is obvious I have very few friends.  I don't care that my friends are minimal, but I'd like them to be better - or I need new ones.  There is only so much I can take before I feel like I give and give and give and get nothing in return.

I'd love to be bitchier. I swear those women get farther in life and somehow manage to get what they want.  But instead I got these qualities from my mother.  After a while people just assume you'd do this or that for them because that is the type of person you are...and they are using me.  How is that fulfilling to me?  The sad part is I let it continue long enough because I genuinely care about my 'close' friends and hope I am wrong about them.  But I am not, and I've seen more friendships end in the last 10 years they I'd have liked.

I wish I had a friend like me.

UPDATE Day 09 - someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I was very nervous about meeting up with T.  I haven't seen her in about 4 years and not much about me has changed.  Isn't that always the worst? Seeing someone after so long and you can't really say a lot of amazing things about what you've been up to? How does that phrase go? Same thing different day?  I am stuck on this cycle.  Not a great re-first impression; although I wasn't planning on saying much about me anyway.

I tend to hold a grudge (well, with everyone except SI) and I am stubborn.  I knew going into this 'meeting' that I would be uncomfortable, but I have this thing I am working on...doing things out of my comfort zone...and this, well, it met my quota for the  month.  I was also a bit nervous about what I'd look like to someone after so much time has lapsed.  I was putting some thought into my outfit so I'd look thinner & professional (maybe just as much effort as a date) and worry that my hair will be unruly in the rain.

What if T ran over and gave me a huge hug?  What if she asks me about all the dating I've done (I can count my dates on my two hands), What if there is nothing to talk about?

I get to the bar about 45 minutes before her and down a beer to help unnerve me. She walks in and I don't stand up to greet her, but we hug very slightly.  One of the first things we talk about is my lack of enthusiasm to seeing her...so I was very honest with her about my hesitations.  Our catching up was slow.  She filled me on her divorce - that it was because (and she claims no one really knows the truth) that she fell in love with someone else when she was married and has been dating him for a year and are thinking about moving in together. She asked me a little about SI, since that is the last she knew...and unfortunately I teared up a little explaining things - I was unprepared for that. Oh, and her friend was going to meet us at the bar at 7pm.

So I have problems with two things.  First, I was shocked she invited someone else she was friends with when she hasn't seen me in so long.  I'd have preferred if she was like, 'I gotta go at 7'.  Turns out the friend was really nice and I talked with her a lot, but that also meant that I wasn't speaking to T, defeating the whole purpose of trying to decide if we were supposed to be friends or not.

Second, and this wasn't about her so much, but I don't understand why these kinds of people find love so easily.  She has never really been that single, maybe when we were 21.  But she kept bouncing around with guys.  So then she gets 'lucky' and gets married then while married finds love with a co-worker best friend?  So not only is she like SI where she doesn't understand how hard a breakup could be for someone that is madly in love with someone else, she is also happy.  I lost years of my life because I was sad and depressed...and she was over her husband before he moved out.  So now she'll probably have a second wedding...and I haven't even come close to finding someone to date me (and it is not like I am ugly or deformed).

Why I am so different?  Is it because I am no longer needy?  I am a somewhat self-sufficient, independent woman that isn't unattractive, so people just pass me by.  I want love too. 

Will I see T again? I am not opposed to it.

Can you be friends with someone that de-friended you?

A few weeks ago I posted a quick question on this...but here is why:

In October I posted about my friend T here.

It took me four months to respond to T regarding her email in October.  Not maliciously waiting so long, but honestly I didn't know what to say as it caught me off guard.  Was I ready to see or talk to someone again? I wasn't and until I decided, I couldn't respond.  When I did, it was short and told her I couldn't commit to catching up within the next four months since I was busy; I didn't hear back from her until two week ago.

Part of not wanting to hear from someone after so much time is that you worry that they will tell you things you don't want to hear...such as gotten married, had children, traveled the world, etc...when your life has been on hold for 5 years.  Also they were not supportive of you when you went through something so traumatic so what kind of friend were they really?

But you also have to wonder...after all this time why are they reaching out NOW? 

I dreaded opening the email.  But when I did, I smiled and laughed.  Turns out T recently got divorced. 

Now it makes sense...she might be sad and lonely and confused...and either is trying to get a life back...or maybe I am the only person she knows that would understand what she is going through.

I have been waiting for this for 5 years.  Sure, I wasn't married...but when you are with someone for 4 years and live together - we didn't have a legal document, but it wasn't just a small breakup either.  For me it was very traumatic.  After the breakup it was the worst 4 years of my life...and actually 2 of those years were a complete blurr of nothing. When I think of my age, I tend to think I am two years younger; 2 years I was in a fog and didn't do anything. I barely remember it. I think my mind just fogged up so it could protect me.  Anyway, no one understood what I went through. I didn't know anyone that got a divorce, I didn't know anyone that was in something similar to me when it didn't work out.  Sure, I was 'young' at 27 but people didn't get it and told me my emotions were over reacting. 

Well, now my time has come.  People are starting to separate/divorce and they are miserable.  I don't like to see people unhappy...and I am not glad for their sad stories...but I am happy people will now understand what I went through and maybe regret things they did or said to me.

It took me a long time to get to where I am now and I can't let people that are no longer my friends bring me down.  I will try to be as supportive as possible for my few current friends and I give my perspective when people ask it.

Last year I met up with this other girl who defriended me three years ago.  I met her at Starbucks and I listened to her for 2 1/2 hours talk about herself.  At no point did she apologize to me for what happened.  I am not saying I wasn't at fault at all...I was miserable and it was hard to be around...but she was an adult and could have handled it better.  She wasn't the person that reached out either, she had this other girl do it.  When we met, she told me that she thought of me daily in the year we weren't friends and often wondered about me.  She also got married to someone that was a 'forbidden' boyfriend that she rarely saw.  Hmm, I know if I was getting married and I missed someone - I'd let them know about that kind of news before it happened.  Not really permanent friend material in my book.  I walked away no different; we wouldn't be friends again and I didn't miss her.  With that experience behind me, I can't think that this meeting with T will be any different. I am so torn if it is worth it or not to see her; I don't want to mislead her thinking we'll be BFFs or even just friends again.

I will make this T girl happy and meet up with her one day after work - on my schedule - but I am not looking to be friends with her again nor am I delusional that we would ever be friends like we were when we were 18 - 25.  I will go and listen to her, she probably just needs to talk about what she is going through and then we'll go our separate ways.

I think its funny that so many people have reached out to me in the last few years by realizing what a great person I am after the fact they de-friended me. 

Why do I have such bad luck when it comes to friends & guys?  All I want is some decent/good friends and a fantastic fh.

I'll post about our meeting very soon.

Can we be friends again?

Do you think you can be friends with someone from years ago when the circumstances around the end of the friendship was hurtful to you?

Family Games

My family and my previous neighbors celebrated 20 years of friendship this year; this may or may not be common, I don't know.  Our friendship has gotten stronger as the years have passed by.  They are really an extension of my family and I love each and every one of them. 

We usually get together twice a year as a family (and times throughout the year but not all 23 of us at once).  In the last few years we started to play games at night after dinner...I believe it all started one year with charades, then we branched out and played Mexican Train, Left Center Right, the newlywed game, balderdash and a few others.  Two Decembers ago I made up Family Feud, which was a lot of fun.  The families played against each other to see which family could score the highest.   I did  a lot of 'research' to put this game together, as in I watched A LOT of family feud, I also sent around a survey for people to fill out.  I probably made close to 80 rounds - not knowing how many we'd go through if we were having a great time.  I wrote all the answers on a large piece of paper and then covered them so I could pull it off to revel the answer & points when someone guessed correctly.  The families LOVED it.  Each selected a team mate to come to the podium - I read the question and they had to buzz in - whoever buzzed in said their answer - if it made it on the board they got to play or pass.   Some of the questions and/or responses were hysterical.

This past December someone else made up a Minute To Win It game, which was hysterical.  Again the teams were broken down by family and each family had to select a person to compete against someone else to complete the task.  Many of the items we did were from the show.

This past weekend as we celebrated our 20th anniversary, we were at the beach.  Most of the time we just sit there and talk, play in the sand or go into the water...all typical beach-like things.  This year we added an activity - a beach scavenger hunt.  We split everyone into 5 teams and sent them off looking for items to collect or to take pictures of and we had until the next morning.  This ended up being fantastic I think a lot of the people enjoyed it because we had to do things that we might not have, thus getting everyone involved as well as provided some fantastic photos.  Add to that the level of competition...it wasn't by family - we were smart to really change it up - so at times it got intense, especially when it came to scoring at the end.

Here are some examples of the items we needed to find:

the list

me as a mermaid

 

my team's items (we lost)



the winning team's items

In the evening we celebrated with a 5 minute slide show of some of the great times we've had and also a coffee table book filled with lots of pictures.  Then we played Family Jeopardy.  I sent out a questionnaire for all family members to fill out and then I made 6 categories for each Jeopardy round filled with trivia questions about each person.  I wasn't sure the best way to execute it, so I set it up as a PowerPoint presentation with each slide representing a different question, then I needed a key to find the slide number for the category/amount the contestants selected.  The questions weren't just "which person's fear is X" but instead there were clues within the question to help solve it; it took a lot of research, but I thought it was worth it.  We hooked the computer up and projected it onto the wall so everyone could see.  Everyone appeared to like it and we all learned a lot about each other...even within our own families!  Even Final Jeopardy was a success.

July 25th

In the midst of this heat wave, I decide to go to Jones Beach yesterday.  The ONE day that is is cloudy with - get this...50% chance of rain...can the weather predictors be any worse?  Anyway, I decided even if it is not beautiful out, I'd go to the beach to reflect, to think, to see if any thoughts come to mind about my life and how I can change it.  I arrived at 9:30am and the beach was virtually empty which made it even better.  I picked a  spot away from the life guards and sat alone looking out to the ocean; enjoying the view.

My phone rings.  Normally I would have left it in the car but since a friend was going to meet me later, I brought it with me.  I look at the phone and the area code scares me..I hesitate and then decide to answer, but the person had already hang up and left no message.  Whenever I see a call from that area code my heart drops...it is the same area code as SI...and while a million other people have that area code, it wouldn't be the first time I received a call from someone he dated.  When I got home I looked up the number...but was too scared to do more of a search using their names; I can't know. Unfortunately my time of reflection was over. I put my headphones on and enjoyed when the sun peeked out from the clouds.

Memorial Day weekend, I attended that beer pong party at Skater Boy's house.  I met a few people and I've been chatting occasionally with this one guy.  Turns out he was on Long Island for the weekend, so he decided to meet me at the beach. I was proud of myself, I was putting myself in an uncomfortable position - meeting up with an almost stranger.  He got there way later than he originally said...but I didn't mind since I was enjoying my time alone.  It was a little awkward I guess at first since I am not really a 'fun' kind of person - so we just talked for 3 hours until the rain started then we headed over to grab a small bite to eat.  We made plans to get together to try out this restaurant near me because I was just so happy to discover, a year too late, that Westchester now has an Ethiopian restaurant. I can't wait to try it. Yum Yum Yum.  But more important, how do I know if that was a date?  I've gotten about 30 texts since I left him yesterday and another invite to the beach that I can't do.  He isn't my future husband...but I have been looking for a short fling or maybe someone to have casual sex with...but he lives an hour away...and that is not ideal on my gas tank.  And, the whole idea of that still scares the crapola out of me...why was it so easy with HSK but not with other people? ugh.

I get back home and Skater Boy and I text for an hour or two. He moved so I know it is easier for me to flirt with him when I know I won't see him for months/years/if ever again.

I found him

I am so proud of myself....I found him.   No No, not my soul mate or my future husband or not even my next fling.  I found a kid that I sort of dated in high school, and that I lost my virginity with in college (yeah, I was a late bloomer).  That boy.

Last time we spoke/saw each other was very soon after SI and I started dating.  I was at my old house (my parents still lived there at the time) and he just happened to stop by because he wanted to catch up.  We hung out that day, I saw his parents and when I left I had hoped to hear from him again but I did not.  My phone number chaged a lot during the next 4 years as did my address and my parents moved making it hard to find me.  I remember that day so well.  I found out that he was a coach at the college I attended, so us being there for about a year without knowing it freaked me out a little, but even more so I was disappointed in finding it out after the fact.  He also looked sick in a way I can not describe.  But, I was happy with SI and I forgot about this kid....well, not forgot I'd always remember him, but I didn't think about him.   After the breakup with SI, maybe a year later, I decided I wanted to find this (other) high school friend, K.  My ex-friend is a great internet researcher (stalker) and was able to find out where he worked and his address.  I called his job, but it turns out I missed him by about a week.  I sent him a postcard...never heard back - but yet I didn't think he was still at that adress.   I let it be for a few months.  Then I was searching facebook and I came across his sister and brother.  I sent the sister a message first.  I don't think she ever passed it along, even though she did respond to me.   Months later I tried the brother.  I knew he remembered me since we hooked up before I met K.  He didn't even bother to respond!  I let it be for another 3 years.  

Then last night I was looking on facebook to find pictures of some of my 'boys' I've been out with so I can show my matchmakers what I tend to go for since they sent me a hideous one.  I don't know what they were thinking.  I hired them because I wanted help...not because I am so desperate that I would settle for horrible.  So I was on there and I grabbed a few pictures that I was missing.   I then goggled K and the same stuff that always pops up came up, but this time so did a facebook page! OMG was I thrilled.  I couldn't see anything, but I did send him a really short message (I don't want to sound like a stalker, you all know the truth).  I kept facebook open for a while...and nothing.

I really hope he messages me back.  I don't know why, I don't know what I want out of it.  He was always such a nice person and we got along great.  I know he ran into some trouble 3-4 years ago and since then I've wanted to make sure he was able to turn his life around.  I guess I am too compassionate and my need to help/fix other people is odd since I am selective about who I care for and who I don't.  But for whatever reason, K has always been a source in intrigue for me.

Day 9 1/2 - update on Someone you didn't want to let go, but you just drifted

On October 20th I posted about someone you didn't want to let go, but you just drifted (here) about a girl from college I was very good friends with.  In my little update (since I pre-wrote that to post when I was on vacation) I mentioned this girl emailed me out of the blue and that I was not sure if I was going to respond.  So I mark it with a star in email and contemplated for a while in what I should do. I asked a few friends their opinion and they all agreed that the email did not need responding to.

However, I am the person that doesn't feel right about not at least acknowledging the email but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.  So I still didn't write back but it was in the back of my mind.  I then read that "Dare to Forgive" book and part of me was able to relate a scenario to this girl.  However, I was never really 'mad' at her, nor did I think I needed to forgive her as nothing happened but we just drifted, as so many people do when they grow up.  My most recent session with my life coach really focused on forgiveness and guilt and I realized I did need to at least respond to the email, even if it was 3 months later...but what to say? I kept it very short and did not commit to meeting in person.

I realized while I was reading it that if my life was different, I probably would not have hesitated to say yes right away.  But when she mentioned "There must be so much going on with you since we last talked...so tell me" I realized today could be a day from three years ago.  Nothing changed. Nothing. I am still at the same job, same apartment, still single (and wasn't even in a relationship).  Nothing changed.  Sure, I cut my hair 10 inches once...but that grew back.  How can I meet up with someone I haven't seen and hear about their life and all the things that have changed, when mine hasn't? It is similar when you find out someone is pregnant or married.  My sister tried to tell me she could be divorced, it might not be good things...but still, I don't know if I can handle it.  I would love to tell someone my life has been great or that something happened, but my life has been a blur for 3 years.  Even now when I am trying to self heal, I don't know what to do to make things happen, but I am very aware of my issues and that I want change. A good change.

We will see if she even writes back, she might have been insulted it took me three months to respond.  But I do feel better at least acknowledging her email.

I am thankful for

I was out with an old friend the other day, talking about our youth and our families.  I was so naive back then.  I grew up in an amazing family and when you are young you assume every one's family is similar.  In high school you start to realize some differences and take for granted how amazing your family is.  So my friend and I were talking and I had no idea how horrible his family life was.  I could not relate to the un-supportive parents, the hard life.  I felt so bad and sat there thinking, the poor kid - I wish I knew so I could have helped more. 

Now, if you know my personality you would know that compassion is not what stands out right away.  I am very compassionate with family and people I know and I have a good feeling about.  I give all my love when I get it in return.  But on an everyday basis, I can't be bothered with people or their problems.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  I was not sure between Halloween and Thanksgiving, but Thanksgiving won out because there is something about turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce. I LOVE it. 

So this Thanksgiving I am going to be extra sure to thank my amazing family.  Every year I am thankful for having them in my life.  But this year I am more appreciative of everything they have done for me.  All the support they have given me (a LOT in the last 5 years) and will continue to.  Just the other day my sister surprised me, finding ways to go out of her way to help me.  My life is so uncertain right now and having people in my life to help get me through it has been a blessing. Some people (most of my family) have this ability to be so compassionate.  And to realize people would help me so much, is such an amazing thing. I feel so lucky.  And with that, I know I need to help others.  I have to start super slow since I lack money, time and need to fix my own life first and of course learn to be more compassionate with people I do not know.

What are you thankful for? 

My top five pictures

A few blog friends have done this and I also wanted to take the "challenge", which is to post my favorite 5 pictures and then tell you 5 things about myself.

Tent Rocks, New Mexico 2007

I went to New Mexico for a work trip and took a few extra days off to do my own thing. After a lot of research, I found a few places I wanted to go. Kasha-Katuwe was not a very common place online - in fact, my ENT told me he went there and he highly recommended it. I am so glad I went there. The trip was important for me since it was my first time doing things for me and learning about me, as an adult. At Kasha-Katuwe Tent Rocks National Monument I exerted myself physically and it felt amazing. The hiking to the top was a challenge and I was so proud of myself making it.

Beijing China, March 2005

At our hotel we had this amazing garden. It was breathtakingly beautiful with the architecture, water and bridges. I woke up early one morning before our class event to take a peak. I was a traditional New Yorker minding my own business taking in the beauty and thinking how lucky I was that I was able to experience that, until the relentless Chinese kept asking me to dress up. I kept saying no, but then I thought - why not? When would I ever get to do something like this? I couldn't convert the currency in my head and have no idea how expensive this was...especially because they changed my outfit half way through. But I am so glad I did it, something so different.

Death Valley CA, February 2007

I needed to get away for a little bit after SI and I broke up.  I was a walking zombie so I took a trip out west to explore Death Valley and the Grand Canyon.  I was amazed by the natural beauty of Death Valley. It was so remote, so desolate.  I really thought about things and asked SI to come out there and marry me in Vegas.  Of course he did not.  But the trip helped me.  I am not sure how exactly since I didn't find peace, I didn't marry him, nor did I get over him.  But it afforded me a great place to cry in peace and helped me learn how to travel alone.  Every time I see this picture I am reminded that the world is huge and I have only seen a teeny part of it.  There is so much out there and I know that when I need to think and time to myself, I know that I can find solace in going away and exploring new areas.

Shooting Range, Long Island NY, July 4, 2005

SI and four of his friends took me to the shooting range.  I LOVED it.  What an experience.  I shot so many different kinds of guns, including an AK47, a few other rifles, a hand gun, a revolver, and this HUGE heavy gangster like gun.  It was exhilarating being out there and shooting the target.  I hit my target quite a few times at the farthest distance.  I kept the target and a few shells and put in in my scrapbook (which I gave up custody of when I moved out).  I was proud of myself for doing so well even though I knew I would since I assumed I would go into law enforcement at some point in time.  

 

Hamptons NY,  Summer 2006

I have three wonderful sisters and four almost sisters.  These extension of my family was the family that lived next store.  Our family is older, but we all get along so well.  One day at the beach, we decided to have a little fun and attempted a pyramid.  It was such a fantastic day. I am so grateful that I have so many ladies that I can talk to about anything. The parents are awesome too.  I can't believe I have known them for nineteen years. It has been amazing watching all of us grow.

5 Things About ME:

1. I gave up drinking for 6 years after I went out on a Friday, kissed three guys at a bar thinking it was the same guy (it wasn’t)...and was still hung over on Monday and called in sick to work. (2001 - 2007)

2. I have a huge fear of bugs, I can not kill them, so I cover them up with cups and wait around for someone to come over to flush them.

3. I have wanted to get laser eye surgery since HS when one of my teachers had it done, and when my vision finally evened out, and after I saved up for it...I found out I wasn't eligible. :( contacts & glasses for life woo-whoo. Hopefully technology will keep advancing so I may still have hope.

4. I have NEVER smoked a cigarette or have done any drugs.

5. I hate sneezes & snot.

Day 09 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but you just drifted

A nice surprise - this post is NOT about SI!  Woot!

In college I became really good friends with this girl, T, who lived down the hall freshman year.  I soon transferred out of that college but visited this girl occasionally on weekends.  After we graduated, we were spending a lot of time together, especially in the summer.  Her mom was very ill and passed away and I think that brought our relationship even closer.  I always had a wonderful time with her, her family and her friends.   I was there through all her boy stories and troubles (SI and I would love reading about all the drama and think we were so happy to not deal with that!).  She started dating a new guy - and we even did a weekend ski trip together as couples.  I didn't really 'see' them together.  He is not who I pegged her to be with, and so many things seemed off.  But she was happy and therefore so was I.  Unfortunately, my sudden breakup with SI came at a really bad time, as she just got engaged the month before.  Of course I was happy for her, but when she kept asking me to go to Bridal shows, I couldn't.  And I thought it was very unreasonable for her to get mad that I couldn't do it.  I mean, here I was two months later, a complete mess.  Realizing I wouldn't be getting married anytime soon...that I was single. I WAS happy for her, but I didn't want to be a part of the planning.  Forgive me.  Try talking about your babies to someone who can't get pregnant or had a miscarriage - it isn't easy.  We slowed down in our talking over the next year, and I only saw her once.  Her wedding was beautiful, of course.  A little over the top elegant if you ask me. And we never spoke since.  I honestly dont' remember if I even got a thank you card.

One of her guy friends is my friend on facebook and has my cell, so occasionally he asks about me.  Why didn't I go to her bday party? Why didn't I go X, he had hoped to see me.  I missed her a lot in the beginning, but now, not so much.  Its been 3 years.  Our mutual friend does not fill me in on her life, and that is OK, I don't ask either. I don't really want to know.

UPDATE: A weird turn of events.  I pre-wrote this message when I was going to be away.  And I received an email from her on Oct 12th.  Very vague, asking if we can meet up for dinner in NYC one night.  I haven't written back yet. I am not good at rekindling relationships.  Last time I tried, the girl never apologized and talked and I was very uncomfortable.  And if T is reaching out now b/c she is pregnant or something, then it would be like she is rubbing it in my face with how great her life has been, when mine has been horrible.  So, I am not sure if I will agree to this.  What do you think?