I casually mentioned to my man that I was hesitant about our future. What made this conversation more powerful was we didn't have it after or because of a fight, but on a good day.
We talked for about two hours about my insecurities of the relationship and he said if I wanted to walk away, to do it, he is too old for someone to be indecisive about him. I care for him, but is this my life?
I felt so much better, it was a weight off my chest that I've been carrying around for five months - maybe it was selfish of me, but this is my life too.
I made a point over the next few days to go out of my way to show my love and to try to see if it can work. It was feeling really good, until he had a bad day and it all started to fall apart. I understand the stress and agony of work and hating your job and wanting to quit...but if you don't decide what to do, how long can you be miserable? and how long will that misery affect me when I have my own share of stress? Now, don't get me wrong, I am supportive, I keep telling him if he can't work one more day at his present job, to quit and we would figure it out - I can pull that off for a short term. But what if he can't find another job for months? That is a lot of stress for a couple just shy of a year. And it isn't as if he hasn't been looking, he has. So I understand the stress.
How long can I let him mope? How much space is enough for him to think and be depressed and how much anger can I try to get his mind off of? Some people want reassurance, some want help and others just want to complain and dig themselves into a deeper hole.
I've been in that hole. I know what it is like. I don't want to be sucked back in.
If I stay, will I end up in the hole? the sunshiney place? or the middle ground? Only time will tell.
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Friday, January 30, 2015
didn't work out
The new non-guy has been avoiding me, clearly he isn't interested anymore. He responds hours later and never with anything of substance. I could just walk away, that would be the easiest thing to do. But no, I am not in junior high. Adults are supposed to communicate and be honest. So whether he likes it or not, I am making it 'official'.
Here is the text I sent:
well...it seems this didn't work out. I was both a little disappointed and surprised. I thought our three dates went well; I had a moment of uncertainty, doubting myself, but I was hopeful and excited...butterflies included. But something changed for you; I don't need to know what. Contrary to my actions with you, I don't sleep around, and I was a bit nervous. I went for it because I wanted to get to know you better, was extremely turned on from all the kissing :) and thought it might be the start of something. I saw potential. Obviously I read that wrong :( You should have just said something if you weren't interested instead of ignoring me so I didn't seem like a fool continuing to ask to see you. But, I am glad and thankful that I met you; lessons learned. You were the first guy I met out here and it reinforced my readiness and desire to find a relationship, and for that, I thank you :). Second, again, not knowing many people, the little we talked and your wishing me well on the job thing meant a lot. It helped my good mood and confidence during the interviews. And I am happy to report that I was selected as their first choice and the job is mine if I want it. So thank you for listening and rooting me on those three weeks :) I really do wish you the best. You have a lot of really great qualities that most women would find desirable, and I am sorry it wasn't me that you found worth dating. I wish you luck and success but more importantly, happiness. I enjoyed our brief time...and on the off chance you change your mind, you know how to find me.
Guy responded that his intention was not that I looked like a fool. He thought I was great. And then asked me a few benign questions.
Well, what the hell does that mean? He didn't say it was over, he didn't say he still wanted to chat. I just responded to his question and that was it. I didn't care anymore if anything would or would not happen. I am over it and I am not obsessed with constantly checking my phone or hoping I'd hear from him. I am going to get back online and start talking to new people. It was a good experience though and I am thankful that I had that opportunity.
Here is the text I sent:
well...it seems this didn't work out. I was both a little disappointed and surprised. I thought our three dates went well; I had a moment of uncertainty, doubting myself, but I was hopeful and excited...butterflies included. But something changed for you; I don't need to know what. Contrary to my actions with you, I don't sleep around, and I was a bit nervous. I went for it because I wanted to get to know you better, was extremely turned on from all the kissing :) and thought it might be the start of something. I saw potential. Obviously I read that wrong :( You should have just said something if you weren't interested instead of ignoring me so I didn't seem like a fool continuing to ask to see you. But, I am glad and thankful that I met you; lessons learned. You were the first guy I met out here and it reinforced my readiness and desire to find a relationship, and for that, I thank you :). Second, again, not knowing many people, the little we talked and your wishing me well on the job thing meant a lot. It helped my good mood and confidence during the interviews. And I am happy to report that I was selected as their first choice and the job is mine if I want it. So thank you for listening and rooting me on those three weeks :) I really do wish you the best. You have a lot of really great qualities that most women would find desirable, and I am sorry it wasn't me that you found worth dating. I wish you luck and success but more importantly, happiness. I enjoyed our brief time...and on the off chance you change your mind, you know how to find me.
Guy responded that his intention was not that I looked like a fool. He thought I was great. And then asked me a few benign questions.
Well, what the hell does that mean? He didn't say it was over, he didn't say he still wanted to chat. I just responded to his question and that was it. I didn't care anymore if anything would or would not happen. I am over it and I am not obsessed with constantly checking my phone or hoping I'd hear from him. I am going to get back online and start talking to new people. It was a good experience though and I am thankful that I had that opportunity.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
pleading flashback
I was in a booth alone having dinner. The couple at the table behind me was talking quietly but not enough that I couldn't hear everything. I kept trying to read my book, one I have been enjoying, but I kept reading the same paragraph over and over again. Finally I gave up and just ate my dinner and if I heard them, so be it. They broke up. He is dating someone else, flaunting this new girl around. She is in love with the guy still. She cried most of the dinner.
It brought back memories I could have done without. My heart went out to the gal pleading and begging the guy to love her back. He told her she'd get over it and she said she would't. He sounded like an ass with his responses, but he was done with her. Aside from being heartbroken, she didn't sound too smart...so I struggled with feeling bad for her when she kept saying nonsense.
I wanted to go over there and tell her to stop - if he wants you, he'd let you know. stop making a fool out of yourself. I hoped he was going to get up and leave her there alone - and then I could have went over, but they ended up walking out together.
And you wonder, who am I to judge and tell her to stop? What do I know? Because that was me 8 years ago. And she is right, I didn't get over it...and she might not either depending on the circumstances of their breakup. Years went by that I waited and he got on with his life. I went into another relationship expecting a heartache and that no one would love me. My communication skills failed. I pulled away, I was emotionally stubborn. The lasting effects of that breakup can still be seen, but thankfully, not initially anymore.
Breakups are usually not easy, most of the time it is not mutual; the person who gets their way is the one that probably won't be depressed or sad for too long.
But please, don't plead.
It brought back memories I could have done without. My heart went out to the gal pleading and begging the guy to love her back. He told her she'd get over it and she said she would't. He sounded like an ass with his responses, but he was done with her. Aside from being heartbroken, she didn't sound too smart...so I struggled with feeling bad for her when she kept saying nonsense.
I wanted to go over there and tell her to stop - if he wants you, he'd let you know. stop making a fool out of yourself. I hoped he was going to get up and leave her there alone - and then I could have went over, but they ended up walking out together.
And you wonder, who am I to judge and tell her to stop? What do I know? Because that was me 8 years ago. And she is right, I didn't get over it...and she might not either depending on the circumstances of their breakup. Years went by that I waited and he got on with his life. I went into another relationship expecting a heartache and that no one would love me. My communication skills failed. I pulled away, I was emotionally stubborn. The lasting effects of that breakup can still be seen, but thankfully, not initially anymore.
Breakups are usually not easy, most of the time it is not mutual; the person who gets their way is the one that probably won't be depressed or sad for too long.
But please, don't plead.
Monday, January 27, 2014
doesn't care about me
I think the thing with Mountain Man needs to be over.
If there is one thing I learned from ManFriend, it was that I didn't want love to be difficult; I didn't want to feel like a guy didn't like me even though they claim they do; and I didn't want to put way more into a relationship than I was getting. I want a guy to pay attention to me and be connected physically and emotionally.
After New Years, I cut back on chatting with him because I didn't really feel like he was into me during our last visit. Fine. I said to myself and to him in November that I am not going to convince or persuade someone to like me. I am a good catch and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I am not going to pressure them and I am certainly not going to wait around for them. I learned that from SI.
But he'd message me every few days, of course I'd respond. And it was always nice, I enjoy chatting with him. It makes me smile.
But last week, he was the first person I told about the death of ManFriend and I asked him to tell me a joke or something funny to cheer me up. He couldn't think of anything. We chatted a little bit over the weekend and we talked about something stressful at his job and I followed up with him a few times - to see if he was OK and whatnot. But he never followed up with me about how I was feeling.
Alas, he doesn't care about me.
I can't say I am surprised. But I am a little disappointed. I don't met guys often or easily and I certainly don't find ones I can have really great conversations with.
So what now? I could just tell him that I am done chatting with him....but if anything we've been more friends than anything else, is there a point to stop talking altogether? It isn't like he lives close and we'd hang out and I'd be obsessing over if anything will happen. I'll keep chatting, on his terms and eventually a few days in between conversations will turn into a few weeks into months and then fade altogether.
Of course I'll miss chatting with Mountain Man. After the end of ManFriend, I met him and I realized there are still some nice guys out there. I started to enjoy getting to know someone again and it reminded me that I don't want to lose hope on that what if of meeting someone else. But, I want a guy who is interested in me and what I am going through.
If there is one thing I learned from ManFriend, it was that I didn't want love to be difficult; I didn't want to feel like a guy didn't like me even though they claim they do; and I didn't want to put way more into a relationship than I was getting. I want a guy to pay attention to me and be connected physically and emotionally.
After New Years, I cut back on chatting with him because I didn't really feel like he was into me during our last visit. Fine. I said to myself and to him in November that I am not going to convince or persuade someone to like me. I am a good catch and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I am not going to pressure them and I am certainly not going to wait around for them. I learned that from SI.
But he'd message me every few days, of course I'd respond. And it was always nice, I enjoy chatting with him. It makes me smile.
But last week, he was the first person I told about the death of ManFriend and I asked him to tell me a joke or something funny to cheer me up. He couldn't think of anything. We chatted a little bit over the weekend and we talked about something stressful at his job and I followed up with him a few times - to see if he was OK and whatnot. But he never followed up with me about how I was feeling.
Alas, he doesn't care about me.
I can't say I am surprised. But I am a little disappointed. I don't met guys often or easily and I certainly don't find ones I can have really great conversations with.
So what now? I could just tell him that I am done chatting with him....but if anything we've been more friends than anything else, is there a point to stop talking altogether? It isn't like he lives close and we'd hang out and I'd be obsessing over if anything will happen. I'll keep chatting, on his terms and eventually a few days in between conversations will turn into a few weeks into months and then fade altogether.
Of course I'll miss chatting with Mountain Man. After the end of ManFriend, I met him and I realized there are still some nice guys out there. I started to enjoy getting to know someone again and it reminded me that I don't want to lose hope on that what if of meeting someone else. But, I want a guy who is interested in me and what I am going through.
Friday, January 10, 2014
shutting my mouth
My family is very close, we know a lot about each other and spend a lot of time hanging out and talking. It is so wonderful to have people that I can do that with.
However, like anything there is good and bad with everything.
After the SI fiasco, my family became very concerned about me and did everything they could to make me feel better and fit into their lives. They took pity on me and tried to shelter me from further pain...all so selfless, and I needed them to mend.
But they couldn't bear to see me get hurt again. I started to not tell them some of the lies SI was telling me about still getting back together and having our future because how many times could I say that - it was like I was the boy who cried wolf. They knew it was never going to happen, I didn't. I stopped telling them because I didn't want to hear them tell me things I didn't want to hear.
If I told my family I had a date, they'd all want to know the details. And if I said the guy was OK, they were practically planning a wedding. They were overly hopeful that the next guy to come into the picture was going to be the one. They wanted that so badly for me; to be happy. But just because a date wasn't bad doesn't mean it is going to go anywhere.
Unfortunately all my family is married - they don't understand the fundamentals of dating and how complicated it is and how bad the dating pool is. They don't necessarily understand that just because two people are single that they don't mesh.
When I was hanging out with ManFriend I decided not to tell my family too much. My sisters knew more than my parents, but I didn't want them up my butt all the time asking me questions. I felt bad about it and I know it isn't right to be talking to someone for a year and a half and not meet your family when you are so close, but I knew he wasn't the one...so what was the point?
But I made the mistake of telling my family about Mountain Man back in August after I met him, but I was so happy. They are curious about what is happening and ask a lot of questions. They don't get that even though it has been 5 months - that we aren't dating exclusively....I am not even sure if we are dating. It is complicated. And I come back from my recent trip and they all want to know how it was and what happened...I am not sure what they were hoping for - I still barely know the man. One nephew told my parents I was engaged....and my mother believed it...that is the kind of fantasy world they live in. I know they want me to be happy and get married...but....do I even need to finish this thought?
It was my mistake to tell them about the guy...but I figured I kept so many secrets about other guys in the past, maybe that wasn't the right option...but keeping them in the vague loop isn't good either. Both parties really need to understand that them asking so many questions and getting their hopes up isn't good for me because they will be disappointed in the end...and I need to figure out better boundaries on what I should share and not.
Just another reason why I need to separate myself from my family a little bit more.
However, like anything there is good and bad with everything.
After the SI fiasco, my family became very concerned about me and did everything they could to make me feel better and fit into their lives. They took pity on me and tried to shelter me from further pain...all so selfless, and I needed them to mend.
But they couldn't bear to see me get hurt again. I started to not tell them some of the lies SI was telling me about still getting back together and having our future because how many times could I say that - it was like I was the boy who cried wolf. They knew it was never going to happen, I didn't. I stopped telling them because I didn't want to hear them tell me things I didn't want to hear.
If I told my family I had a date, they'd all want to know the details. And if I said the guy was OK, they were practically planning a wedding. They were overly hopeful that the next guy to come into the picture was going to be the one. They wanted that so badly for me; to be happy. But just because a date wasn't bad doesn't mean it is going to go anywhere.
Unfortunately all my family is married - they don't understand the fundamentals of dating and how complicated it is and how bad the dating pool is. They don't necessarily understand that just because two people are single that they don't mesh.
When I was hanging out with ManFriend I decided not to tell my family too much. My sisters knew more than my parents, but I didn't want them up my butt all the time asking me questions. I felt bad about it and I know it isn't right to be talking to someone for a year and a half and not meet your family when you are so close, but I knew he wasn't the one...so what was the point?
But I made the mistake of telling my family about Mountain Man back in August after I met him, but I was so happy. They are curious about what is happening and ask a lot of questions. They don't get that even though it has been 5 months - that we aren't dating exclusively....I am not even sure if we are dating. It is complicated. And I come back from my recent trip and they all want to know how it was and what happened...I am not sure what they were hoping for - I still barely know the man. One nephew told my parents I was engaged....and my mother believed it...that is the kind of fantasy world they live in. I know they want me to be happy and get married...but....do I even need to finish this thought?
It was my mistake to tell them about the guy...but I figured I kept so many secrets about other guys in the past, maybe that wasn't the right option...but keeping them in the vague loop isn't good either. Both parties really need to understand that them asking so many questions and getting their hopes up isn't good for me because they will be disappointed in the end...and I need to figure out better boundaries on what I should share and not.
Just another reason why I need to separate myself from my family a little bit more.
Friday, September 20, 2013
explaining singlehood to kids
I have brought a new type of person to into my nieces and nephews world. The single adult woman.
The kids have been fortunate to live in a happy bubble. They didn't know many divorced couples, maybe a few single mom's of their friends but for the most part my extended family and friends have all been in long lasting relationships. All the married couples had children, and the children were still young enough to live at home.
And then I found myself single at 26 and had to move back home until I figured things out. The kids were little and couldn't comprehend this concept. Why was an adult living with their parents?
Every time they saw me, which was often, they would ask me why I wasn't married? Why was I living with my parents? What happened to that guy that I used to live with and came over for holidays? Why was I an adult but didn't have children?
For a long time these questions would make me cry. I didn't have answers for them. I didn't want to be a single adult living with my parents. I wanted children. I wanted to be married. I was constantly in a position when I had to explain things to them, how not everyone is lucky enough to find love, that not everyone has children, that not everyone is happily married, and that not everyone who has children is married. It didn't stop the questions, and all the other questions from my responses. And so every time I saw them, I was left explaining that life isn't perfect. All the explanations would make me more sad because the feelings were still so raw they hurt. How can you move on and be happy when you are constantly answering questions about why someone left you and didn't love you anymore, about what was wrong with you, and how come you can't find another boyfriend/husband.
Most of these conversations took place in front of my sisters and they never chimed in. They allowed their children to ask me questions and continue to torment me for about a year, maybe more. Eventually my cousin got divorced and the kids continued asking me questions as well as asking my cousin what happened to her husband. It wasn't fair for my cousin; I could handle the kids asking me, since I was more related to them, but she shouldn't have been subjected to that line of inquisition and neither should her small child. Finally I asked my sisters to have a conversation with their kids to explain that not all adults are in these 'normal' relationships and to be accepting of these new kids of relationships, and to not ask the person going through a transition so many questions.
The questions did start to slow down, but they never went away. Even now, 7 years later, they are still mystified that I do not have a husband or children. They constantly ask me why I can't just get one. If they see me talking to a guy, they assume he is my boyfriend and won't drop it for months. They tease me about being single and how I can't get a husband.
But, one niece last year said she wanted to be just like me, not having parents or a husband to listen to, to be free to do whatever I want. I was happy that she was starting to understand that women can be independent and have a single life.
The constant reminder of my relationship failure has been a very difficult struggle, but I guess that I grew from it. All the explanations and justifications for the way I lived helped to remind me that it is OK, even if it wasn't the life I planned on. All things happen for a reason and having faith is important.
The kids have been fortunate to live in a happy bubble. They didn't know many divorced couples, maybe a few single mom's of their friends but for the most part my extended family and friends have all been in long lasting relationships. All the married couples had children, and the children were still young enough to live at home.
And then I found myself single at 26 and had to move back home until I figured things out. The kids were little and couldn't comprehend this concept. Why was an adult living with their parents?
Every time they saw me, which was often, they would ask me why I wasn't married? Why was I living with my parents? What happened to that guy that I used to live with and came over for holidays? Why was I an adult but didn't have children?
For a long time these questions would make me cry. I didn't have answers for them. I didn't want to be a single adult living with my parents. I wanted children. I wanted to be married. I was constantly in a position when I had to explain things to them, how not everyone is lucky enough to find love, that not everyone has children, that not everyone is happily married, and that not everyone who has children is married. It didn't stop the questions, and all the other questions from my responses. And so every time I saw them, I was left explaining that life isn't perfect. All the explanations would make me more sad because the feelings were still so raw they hurt. How can you move on and be happy when you are constantly answering questions about why someone left you and didn't love you anymore, about what was wrong with you, and how come you can't find another boyfriend/husband.
Most of these conversations took place in front of my sisters and they never chimed in. They allowed their children to ask me questions and continue to torment me for about a year, maybe more. Eventually my cousin got divorced and the kids continued asking me questions as well as asking my cousin what happened to her husband. It wasn't fair for my cousin; I could handle the kids asking me, since I was more related to them, but she shouldn't have been subjected to that line of inquisition and neither should her small child. Finally I asked my sisters to have a conversation with their kids to explain that not all adults are in these 'normal' relationships and to be accepting of these new kids of relationships, and to not ask the person going through a transition so many questions.
The questions did start to slow down, but they never went away. Even now, 7 years later, they are still mystified that I do not have a husband or children. They constantly ask me why I can't just get one. If they see me talking to a guy, they assume he is my boyfriend and won't drop it for months. They tease me about being single and how I can't get a husband.
But, one niece last year said she wanted to be just like me, not having parents or a husband to listen to, to be free to do whatever I want. I was happy that she was starting to understand that women can be independent and have a single life.
The constant reminder of my relationship failure has been a very difficult struggle, but I guess that I grew from it. All the explanations and justifications for the way I lived helped to remind me that it is OK, even if it wasn't the life I planned on. All things happen for a reason and having faith is important.
Friday, June 21, 2013
maybe I can get away with that too
I asked ManFriend if he remembered the first time we went out. We shared some serious stuff that night. I probably wouldn't have shared so much if he didn't shock me and tell me what he did. So, when he asked why I was single, I gave him the abbreviated version - something like....well, I was in love with this guy who I thought I was going to grow old with, only he had a double life and cheated on me for a few years, then continued to mess with my head for a few more years. Then I smiled, as if it is a casual everyday thing. I had to, if I didn't I would have shed a tear. I brought this up with him recently because I was curious...what does a guy think of me when they hear something like that?
Do they pity me or do they think hmm, maybe I can get away with that too. ManFriend seemed annoyed that I asked him this question, like maybe accusing him of doing something similar. I've learned that if a man gets defensive, he usually has something to hide. Regardless, I still wanted to know, so I pressed him for an answer. He asked me what kind of man would think the second option?
I asked for a decent reason. See, when I dated Cop#1, I was infatuated with him. I didn't quite love him yet, but I was falling for him when he broke up with me. We continued to see each other, and unbeknownst to me, he started dating someone else...and moved in with her, and was engaged to her....and yet, he was stringing me along. It hurt. I wrote about this and I was very forthright about it when SI came along and he wondered why I was slow to open up. He said I was like an onion, he had to keep peeling layers to understand me. I was in a loving relationship so at some point it all came out. And...with what happened between us, I have been curious if he did what he did because someone else did and saw me as an easy target.
ManFriend and I continued to talk about cheating. He is a bachelor for a reason....he may not want to be tied down. He believes in loyalty and wouldn't cheat if he was in a committed relationship. I am the same way. I can't sleep around. But he said that it isn't just the cheaters fault, but the other person's as well for driving them away. I was a little annoyed by that, but realized he was probably right. It is something I have thought so much about in the last 7 years. And something I feel guilty about (don't get me started on my issues of guilt...I have no reason to feel guilty for what he did, but I do a little). What did I do to drive SI away? I remember one time when I was in the car driving and we were chatting on the phone and he basically told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and that I was fat and ugly. I think I weighed 140 pounds at the time...but I also have a Fcup. I cried a lot the rest of that car ride. He told me to join the gym or to exercise. Oh, do I need to tell you how much weight HE gained? No, I won't go there. I don't think my looks can drive someone away as something I intentionally did. I do understand that people loose attraction for each other...whatever. I still am attracted to the three guys I dated, and the few guys I had a crush on. I know my attraction grows on me because I am not selecting a gorgeous guy to begin with. Anyway, I am curious, but I guess I don't really want to know.
So I've been pondering....for future guys, when they ask about my past, maybe I am not supposed to tell them what happened to me, at least not until I know they'll stick around or I know they won't hurt me in the same way. I think it is important to open up, it shows the other person you trust them and it will help them understand who you are and maybe some of your insecurities so they'll prove they aren't like that. If someone did that for me, I know I'd feel more loved.
****FYI, I wrote this over the weekend and scheduled it since I was so busy this week - so it before all this other stuff happened****
Do they pity me or do they think hmm, maybe I can get away with that too. ManFriend seemed annoyed that I asked him this question, like maybe accusing him of doing something similar. I've learned that if a man gets defensive, he usually has something to hide. Regardless, I still wanted to know, so I pressed him for an answer. He asked me what kind of man would think the second option?
I asked for a decent reason. See, when I dated Cop#1, I was infatuated with him. I didn't quite love him yet, but I was falling for him when he broke up with me. We continued to see each other, and unbeknownst to me, he started dating someone else...and moved in with her, and was engaged to her....and yet, he was stringing me along. It hurt. I wrote about this and I was very forthright about it when SI came along and he wondered why I was slow to open up. He said I was like an onion, he had to keep peeling layers to understand me. I was in a loving relationship so at some point it all came out. And...with what happened between us, I have been curious if he did what he did because someone else did and saw me as an easy target.
ManFriend and I continued to talk about cheating. He is a bachelor for a reason....he may not want to be tied down. He believes in loyalty and wouldn't cheat if he was in a committed relationship. I am the same way. I can't sleep around. But he said that it isn't just the cheaters fault, but the other person's as well for driving them away. I was a little annoyed by that, but realized he was probably right. It is something I have thought so much about in the last 7 years. And something I feel guilty about (don't get me started on my issues of guilt...I have no reason to feel guilty for what he did, but I do a little). What did I do to drive SI away? I remember one time when I was in the car driving and we were chatting on the phone and he basically told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and that I was fat and ugly. I think I weighed 140 pounds at the time...but I also have a Fcup. I cried a lot the rest of that car ride. He told me to join the gym or to exercise. Oh, do I need to tell you how much weight HE gained? No, I won't go there. I don't think my looks can drive someone away as something I intentionally did. I do understand that people loose attraction for each other...whatever. I still am attracted to the three guys I dated, and the few guys I had a crush on. I know my attraction grows on me because I am not selecting a gorgeous guy to begin with. Anyway, I am curious, but I guess I don't really want to know.
So I've been pondering....for future guys, when they ask about my past, maybe I am not supposed to tell them what happened to me, at least not until I know they'll stick around or I know they won't hurt me in the same way. I think it is important to open up, it shows the other person you trust them and it will help them understand who you are and maybe some of your insecurities so they'll prove they aren't like that. If someone did that for me, I know I'd feel more loved.
****FYI, I wrote this over the weekend and scheduled it since I was so busy this week - so it before all this other stuff happened****
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
not that kind of love
After the whole ManFriend thing, I have to say that I feel good, sort of relieved and less stressed. ManFriend caused me so much stress, I didn't realize it - but I read most of the blog posts I wrote about him this past year and realized, even more, how toxic it was...and that regardless of what he told me, I do believe he used me for his own benefits, and I didn't just allow it, but sort of encouraged it because I put my faith in him thinking in the long run things would get better - I've always been hopeful.
The hardest part is that regardless of how heartless he was, he was still my friend during a time that I have so few. Even if he was a completely selfish friend. How do you go from knowing everything going on with someone one day and then never knowing what happens after? And the routines of the daily chats and messages all just gone with nothing to replace it, yet. And even though we had sex, I feel he was more of a friend than a lover. It seems almost silly that the friendship has to end too - and normally I would never say that, I am a big advocate of once a love is over you shouldn't dwell on it (I've learned my lessons the hard way).
With SI and even Cop #1, after those relationships ended, I couldn't bear to be around them. I was so sad and depressed and my heart was completely broken. I couldn't hear about their lives and how wonderful they would have been because i was devastated it was going to be without me. With ManFriend, I am more sad to loose a friend than anything...as I mentioned the sex was mediocre and although I claimed to love him - I think it was more of a love like a brother or someone I'd known for so long that I grew fond of, but it was never a love like I had previously...which is why it took me so long to tell him.... because I knew it wasn't that kind of love. Loves are different.
So, that is that...I feel good emotionally. I am sort of busy and I am planning trips and activities (although I need more suggestions) and I am determined to have a fantastic summer...I missed out last year because I didn't have any PTO days, but this year I am going to take advantage of the nice weather and outdoors.
Thank you all for your support this past year and for still reading even though you were nodding your heads in disappointment and yelling at me through the computer.
Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
taken from AZ lyrics
Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone
You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since U Been Gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since U Been Gone
How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah
Since U Been Gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way
But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get (I get) what I want
Since U Been Gone
You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again
Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get, I get what I want
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
taken from AZ lyrics
Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since U Been Gone
You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah Yeah
Since U Been Gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since U Been Gone
How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah
Since U Been Gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way
But Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get (I get) what I want
Since U Been Gone
You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again
Since U Been Gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get, I get what I want
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Since U Been Gone
Monday, May 20, 2013
The universe was proud of me
Saturday night I cried a bit...not so much because the relationship with ManFriend ended, but because with that, our friendship ended. At a time in my life where I have such few friends, he was a constant that I began to rely on to talk abut all the stupid stuff.
Before bed, I did the prayer to St. Ann and had my white candle lit, and once my tears flow, it is hard to stop, so I cried during part of this prayer.
Sunday turned out to be surprisingly great, and I can only believe that the universe is proud of me. While I wasn't the only one what wanted the breakup, it was mutual, I've thought about it for so long. And I was rewarded for it, which serves as reassurance that everything will be great.
Sunday started like any other. I woke up around 6, did the treadmill for 40 minutes, showered, straightened up, made my to-do list, tried on some clothes, and once 9:40 came around, I began my errands of returning things from various stores because one the bills came in, I realized I couldn't keep everything I bought. I also received notification that Downton Abby season 2 was ready for me to pick up...when I checked on Friday I was still number 200something. Unfortunately I had 40 minutes to kill before the library opened so I stopped by my sister's house. While there my phone rang and it turns out I won a 50-50 raffle that my mother ended me in at our church. I won $673. When I returned home, I started making some egg muffins for the week and the doorbell rang and my roof rack and kayak rack were delivered! I wasn't expecting to receive that until next week...too bad it is raining and will continue to for the next several days.
So all these little things really helped boost my spirits and gave me confidence that things are starting to turn up for me. And if this is the case, then that means I am meeting a wonderful man in the next few months. And I have a very busy rest of the year between work trips, a personal trip, kayaking, an examination
Before bed, I did the prayer to St. Ann and had my white candle lit, and once my tears flow, it is hard to stop, so I cried during part of this prayer.
Sunday turned out to be surprisingly great, and I can only believe that the universe is proud of me. While I wasn't the only one what wanted the breakup, it was mutual, I've thought about it for so long. And I was rewarded for it, which serves as reassurance that everything will be great.
Sunday started like any other. I woke up around 6, did the treadmill for 40 minutes, showered, straightened up, made my to-do list, tried on some clothes, and once 9:40 came around, I began my errands of returning things from various stores because one the bills came in, I realized I couldn't keep everything I bought. I also received notification that Downton Abby season 2 was ready for me to pick up...when I checked on Friday I was still number 200something. Unfortunately I had 40 minutes to kill before the library opened so I stopped by my sister's house. While there my phone rang and it turns out I won a 50-50 raffle that my mother ended me in at our church. I won $673. When I returned home, I started making some egg muffins for the week and the doorbell rang and my roof rack and kayak rack were delivered! I wasn't expecting to receive that until next week...too bad it is raining and will continue to for the next several days.
So all these little things really helped boost my spirits and gave me confidence that things are starting to turn up for me. And if this is the case, then that means I am meeting a wonderful man in the next few months. And I have a very busy rest of the year between work trips, a personal trip, kayaking, an examination
Sunday, May 19, 2013
not married because
I happened to catch a picture on Facebook that my best college friend T got remarried last night. T was married right after SI and I broke up, she cheated on her husband got divorced and moved in with him probably a year and a half ago. Now she gets married on the day ManFriend & I break up. Strange coincidences her getting married right after my breakups. So she's been married twice, I've been married - never.
So it got me thinking, some people are 'lucky' in the love/marriage department and other people like me are not. I am not sure why that is.
On a smaller scale, I started to think about why the two men I loved didn't want to be with me. For both, I am not 100% sure, it is all speculation. With SI, I know he wasn't happy that I gained weight and that I bite my nails...but that can't be the only reasons he cheated on me and decided he didn't love me. ManFriend, I am not sure either we communicated different and he was always upset that he felt that I didn't put effort into our relationship. I know I yo-yoed with my weight three times this year and a half...but so did he and you know, so did SI when we were together, so to break up over weight is stupid especially if they gained the same or more weight as me...and not offering to do something about it together. I like doing things together - hikes, bike rides, walks, yoga, maybe the gym. Not only would it bring us together, but we'd both reap the benefits.
I am not still single because of my cold heart and slutty tendencies because I am the furthest thing from that. I am so warm and sweet and kind that I bend over backwards to help people and try to enhance their lives. I don't think I suffocate them - but maybe it is more than they are used to. And I am 100% devoted to people I love. My sexual partner number is still less than 10.
I feel like I have such great qualities to give someone...why don't these gentlemen want it? With SI, at least he had a mistress waiting for him...with ManFriend, I mean, he could be involved with another, but he was such a loner and a person that spent a ton of time by himself that I find that a little hard to believe (but I've been deceived before because of my trust in others). So for him it was me or no one for the moment...and still he loved me in his way but not enough even though he claimed I was his angel and he wouldn't have made it the last 18 months without me and on top of that he said I was the best lover he's had so far. For me, those items are enough to want to continue. Clearly I am doing something to push men away.
This will all make me appreciate my future husband even more because he'll understand and appreciate me for who I am and it will be enough for him and we'll be really happy and all this will be silly.
I really hope that he comes soon.
Last night was the first night I lit my white candle, took out my 100 attributes for my future husband and said my novena to St. Anne asking for a special favor. I can only hope it works especially because I am not very religious. But what do I have to loose?
So it got me thinking, some people are 'lucky' in the love/marriage department and other people like me are not. I am not sure why that is.
On a smaller scale, I started to think about why the two men I loved didn't want to be with me. For both, I am not 100% sure, it is all speculation. With SI, I know he wasn't happy that I gained weight and that I bite my nails...but that can't be the only reasons he cheated on me and decided he didn't love me. ManFriend, I am not sure either we communicated different and he was always upset that he felt that I didn't put effort into our relationship. I know I yo-yoed with my weight three times this year and a half...but so did he and you know, so did SI when we were together, so to break up over weight is stupid especially if they gained the same or more weight as me...and not offering to do something about it together. I like doing things together - hikes, bike rides, walks, yoga, maybe the gym. Not only would it bring us together, but we'd both reap the benefits.
I am not still single because of my cold heart and slutty tendencies because I am the furthest thing from that. I am so warm and sweet and kind that I bend over backwards to help people and try to enhance their lives. I don't think I suffocate them - but maybe it is more than they are used to. And I am 100% devoted to people I love. My sexual partner number is still less than 10.
I feel like I have such great qualities to give someone...why don't these gentlemen want it? With SI, at least he had a mistress waiting for him...with ManFriend, I mean, he could be involved with another, but he was such a loner and a person that spent a ton of time by himself that I find that a little hard to believe (but I've been deceived before because of my trust in others). So for him it was me or no one for the moment...and still he loved me in his way but not enough even though he claimed I was his angel and he wouldn't have made it the last 18 months without me and on top of that he said I was the best lover he's had so far. For me, those items are enough to want to continue. Clearly I am doing something to push men away.
This will all make me appreciate my future husband even more because he'll understand and appreciate me for who I am and it will be enough for him and we'll be really happy and all this will be silly.
I really hope that he comes soon.
Last night was the first night I lit my white candle, took out my 100 attributes for my future husband and said my novena to St. Anne asking for a special favor. I can only hope it works especially because I am not very religious. But what do I have to loose?
Saturday, May 18, 2013
one last cry
Well, it is official, ManFriend and I just broke up. I had plans to go down to NJ to see him tonight, more or less for a booty call, but he called moments ago and well, our conversation led to it being over. While he didn't blame either of us for this happening, he said it wasn't what he thought.
I told him that I had no problem dating someone far away if I felt loved, and instead I felt neglected that he barely made time for me. And it wasn't just that he moved, even when he lived close to me we only had sex., we didn't do fun couply things. He kept saying be patient and let it happen naturally...but it never happened and we were 'together' for 18 months. I told him I was unfulfilled and I have wanted more for so long...and he is in his own world.
He said he need to concentration on himself, and he's been going to the gym a lot. That is fine, but it is always something. First he was depressed, then he was unemployed, then he moved, now the gym....I think it is wonderful that he is finding ways to better himself, but why can't I ever be included in that? I told him that if he liked me enough, he would have found time to be with me or to want to call me - just like I did all those little things for him over the last year and a half...my feelings were obvious.
He said he's been selfish...yes, I wanted to say that word too but I didn't want to be mean. I started crying, because even though I knew this was going to happen, it still sucks. The adjustment of not having my cell phone beep me with a message during the day, not kissing him anymore, etc. I told him I've known this was coming for a few months, but he claimed to not have know & he said he understood why I felt neglected by him and he 'feels bad' for it.
I know he'll be fine because he is a man...and when he broke up with his last girlfriend he & I started sleeping together a month after, while i know he loved her for a while longer...he still moved on fairly quickly. And for the last year and a half he has been all about himself, he only saw me when it was convenient for him, we had sex the way he liked it, we really only went out for sushi because that was his favorite, and we watched sports because that is what he liked. Everything was about him. And I am still not sure he really loved me, even though he claims he did - maybe in his way.
But it is good we finally had this talk because now I can meet my future husband. I'll pray to St. Anne and light a candle and hopefully I'll meet my future husband soon. I feel like I've learned all my love lessons, it time that the higher powers reward me with a very happy love/life.
Here's to moving on!
I told him that I had no problem dating someone far away if I felt loved, and instead I felt neglected that he barely made time for me. And it wasn't just that he moved, even when he lived close to me we only had sex., we didn't do fun couply things. He kept saying be patient and let it happen naturally...but it never happened and we were 'together' for 18 months. I told him I was unfulfilled and I have wanted more for so long...and he is in his own world.
He said he need to concentration on himself, and he's been going to the gym a lot. That is fine, but it is always something. First he was depressed, then he was unemployed, then he moved, now the gym....I think it is wonderful that he is finding ways to better himself, but why can't I ever be included in that? I told him that if he liked me enough, he would have found time to be with me or to want to call me - just like I did all those little things for him over the last year and a half...my feelings were obvious.
He said he's been selfish...yes, I wanted to say that word too but I didn't want to be mean. I started crying, because even though I knew this was going to happen, it still sucks. The adjustment of not having my cell phone beep me with a message during the day, not kissing him anymore, etc. I told him I've known this was coming for a few months, but he claimed to not have know & he said he understood why I felt neglected by him and he 'feels bad' for it.
I know he'll be fine because he is a man...and when he broke up with his last girlfriend he & I started sleeping together a month after, while i know he loved her for a while longer...he still moved on fairly quickly. And for the last year and a half he has been all about himself, he only saw me when it was convenient for him, we had sex the way he liked it, we really only went out for sushi because that was his favorite, and we watched sports because that is what he liked. Everything was about him. And I am still not sure he really loved me, even though he claims he did - maybe in his way.
But it is good we finally had this talk because now I can meet my future husband. I'll pray to St. Anne and light a candle and hopefully I'll meet my future husband soon. I feel like I've learned all my love lessons, it time that the higher powers reward me with a very happy love/life.
Here's to moving on!
Friday, May 17, 2013
closer to the end
There are two things I expect in a relationship - feeling loved and consideration of my time; neither of which I get from ManFriend. Last Sunday when he was over I told him that this weekend I was completely free, I suggested we do something fun during the day, he agreed and said now that it is summer there are great summer activities. I was looking forward to it.
During the week, I wanted to be sure I reached out to him because I didn't want it to be awkward this weekend. On Wednesday I asked him to come up with a plan and to let me know by Friday morning what day/time I was doing what, so I can plan the rest of my weekend accordingly.
Friday morning came and went, even with my two reminders. After work I called him to ask about our plans, but he wanted to chat after the gym. I called him 3 hours later and sent a text, which he finally responded to after 30 minutes. We spent 50 minutes on the phone; the first 40 he talked about his job. When he said he'd call me tomorrow morning, I flipped out. I told him that if he doesn't tell me our plans, if any...not to bother calling tomorrow morning or at all.
He said to be at his place at 7pm. So of course I was disappointed - what happened to that fun summer activity? We never do anything. And now that he lives 70 minutes away, Saturday night feels like a booty call, just pre-planned. And just because he is farther away he expects me to stay over...normally I would be delighted...but when he lived 5 minutes away, we rarely did that (although I wanted to) and he'd practically kick me out in the morning.
I don't want to be in a causal relationship anymore. You don't tell someone you love them in a casual relationship. This just isn't right. And I don't want to see the person I am dating once a week for sex...that isn't a relationship in my eyes. I am sure it works for some people, but that isn't what I am after, and I must have told him that during everyone of our serious conversations. I want a 'relationship' that leads to marriage or a relationship that is similar...reliance, dependence companionship, etc. I think ManFriend is very happy with this arrangement and just wants to supplement his solo life with someone he enjoys sex with weekly. And now that he is 'far' away...do I have to worry about him getting it from someone else? I wouldn't worry about that if he made me feel loved...but I don't, I never know where I stand.
So, I am not sure if I am going to go...or if I go, maybe I'll just tell him on Sunday that this isn't what I was expecting, and I can't do it anymore.
(prepare for some mad/sad/annoyed posts when this happens -- but I bought the kayaks to help with the little depression I'll have)
Thursday, May 16, 2013
a move to escape
What is it with us that when love fizzles away or something bad happens, we want to escape. Perhaps moving far far away to start over and not be near things that either remind us of someone or to find a place that is new to distract us and keep us busy so we don't think of our troubles.
For a while I wondered if I was the only person who had these thoughts. After SI and I broke up, I was visiting my sister in North Carolina, and I came really close to buying a huge townhouse. I wanted to just start over. I didn't though, because I thought, maybe if I stayed where I was we'd reconcile. So stupid. Anyway, SI and I didn't live in the same area, so I wasn't concerned about bumping into him at the supermarket or the library or deli, but still distance seemed like a good idea.
While the ManFriend thing didn't fizzle, and I probably won't get the urge to move away from him - if we broke up while he still lived local, I would have run into him at the library (we bumped into each other here more than anywhere else), walking home from the train, at restaurants, etc.
This week on How I Met Your Mother, they reminded us that Robin decided to move to Japan when Ted & Victoria were going to get married, and we learned that (spoiler alert if you didn't watch this week) Ted was escaping to Chicago because Barney & Robin were getting married and he couldn't be around them. While I understand these are fictional characters, the feelings they are portraying are real - the need to escape when we are heartbroken. The desire to get away and start over where constant reminders are not going to haunt us.
This doesn't just apply to heartache, I think other major life changes - death of family members, laying off/firing of job, problems with friends/families...so many reasons to want to get away for a while. I have been thinking about moving and starting over for years, well I guess since the SI breakup. I haven't yet...but I will. Not to escape from him, please, its not even an issue anymore...but more because I want a life that I can't have here. I want to be happier.
Have you moved away to escape from something? Did it work out for you, or did you realize it was a mistake and moved back?
For a while I wondered if I was the only person who had these thoughts. After SI and I broke up, I was visiting my sister in North Carolina, and I came really close to buying a huge townhouse. I wanted to just start over. I didn't though, because I thought, maybe if I stayed where I was we'd reconcile. So stupid. Anyway, SI and I didn't live in the same area, so I wasn't concerned about bumping into him at the supermarket or the library or deli, but still distance seemed like a good idea.
While the ManFriend thing didn't fizzle, and I probably won't get the urge to move away from him - if we broke up while he still lived local, I would have run into him at the library (we bumped into each other here more than anywhere else), walking home from the train, at restaurants, etc.
This week on How I Met Your Mother, they reminded us that Robin decided to move to Japan when Ted & Victoria were going to get married, and we learned that (spoiler alert if you didn't watch this week) Ted was escaping to Chicago because Barney & Robin were getting married and he couldn't be around them. While I understand these are fictional characters, the feelings they are portraying are real - the need to escape when we are heartbroken. The desire to get away and start over where constant reminders are not going to haunt us.
This doesn't just apply to heartache, I think other major life changes - death of family members, laying off/firing of job, problems with friends/families...so many reasons to want to get away for a while. I have been thinking about moving and starting over for years, well I guess since the SI breakup. I haven't yet...but I will. Not to escape from him, please, its not even an issue anymore...but more because I want a life that I can't have here. I want to be happier.
Have you moved away to escape from something? Did it work out for you, or did you realize it was a mistake and moved back?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
he used me?
A month before ManFriend left, I bought this really nice card that stated something about how important someone was in my life and how I was happy there came to be in my life.
I like cards, I feel like it is fairly cheap, but a nice thing to give on occasion to let the other person know you are thinking about them....hmm, but I never remember birthday or holiday cards.
Anyway, so in this card, I wrote a mini novel to ManFriend:
"I was attracted to you from the first moment I saw you - when you stopped by to chat about the apartment. As we got to know each other and spend time together, I developed feelings for you - but tried to hold them back because that was not the 'relationship' we agreed upon. However, seeing you 2-3 times a week and chatting/texting in between made it more difficult for me. By April of last year, I knew I liked you more than I should. Since then our 'relationship' has been unusual and complicated. Maybe we are both stubborn or maybe we were never on the same page at the same time - but it started to take a toll on me. By October I was completely frustrated - I wanted to spend more time with you but instead we started seeing each other less and less.
The night you told me you wanted to be part of a couple and that you loved me was a wonderfulnight. I was excited that you maybe felt the way I had for all those months. Unfortunately, things really started to take a nose dive after that. and while I hoped maybe our relationship wouldn't be a secret and we'd start to have a more 'normal' relationship, you acted as if we were just friends.
This past year and a half has been a roller coaster for me, but mostly I've been disappointed and let down.
I always figured teh next time I fell in love, I'd be happy, cheerful, and excited which is why I didn't tell you want you wanted to hear for months. I couldn't say that when our 'relationship' needed tremendous work, because I was fearful if I did say that - you would think that it was enough for me, and it wasn't.
But, I was wrong to hold those words hostage. I had developed strong feelings for you, and the feeling I got in my belly when i was upset or let down really got to me. And when we kiss, the world goes blank and I am transformed into a place I didn't know existed. It is those reasons plus more that I realized, I did, in fact, love you, ManFriend.
I am sorry it took so long for me to say, but I know you knew I felt it long ago. And I do not know if me saying it sooner would have changed our relationship or encouraged you to want to see me more. I am a big believer in fate and things happening for a reason. I have no doubt about why the universe brought you to me, and I am thankful for the time we had together. I learned a lot about me and about the type of relationship I want.
I'd like to thank you for putting up with me, and I hope I impacted your life a little too.
I am going to miss you. But I also know you;ll be happy wherever life takes you since you seem know what you want and do what you want. I'll be good too.
Love, Denise"
So, while I wrote that a month before he left, and before I actually told him I loved him, I gave that to him 2 days before he moved. He read part of it before we went for trivia, and after he again told me how amazing I've been to him this past year and a half and how lucky he was to have me. He said he loved me and hoped that we would continue our relationship since he was only moving an hour away.
Then the moving day came and I didn't see him, well, for 12 minutes the following day when he came to pick up miscellaneous stuff he couldn't fit in his car and when he made plans with me for the coming Saturday (May 4th since he blew off dinner that night because of the stitches he needed). On Monday we texted a few times that was basically me telling him I was having a really hard time with him leaving and that I needed him to be nicer to me, and to do little nice things - like I did for him over the last year and a half, and most importantly not to jump down my throat if I was a bit testy...since I was extremely emotional. He said he understood and could do that.
I didn't hear from him since. Saturday May 4th came and went and I didn't hear a word out of him.
That older man invited me out for drinks with his friends, and I went so I wouldn't sit home alone, depressed and ready to cry - even though the last few days I've been OK. I know I could have called ManFriend to confirm today, but I wanted to see if he really cared about me. For the last 18 months, I questioned if his feeling for me were sincere or if he was playing me because I was his landlord and I'd allow things to his advantage because I was nice and had a really hard time differentiating my landlord position and my whatever my relationship with him was. It might not have been correct, and I certainly wouldn't call it a game - but I wanted to know if he would be nice and sweet and tell me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me.
Instead, he moved and more or less forgot all about me already.
So on my second glass of wine on an empty stomach tonight, I messaged him telling him to send me money for the book case that he essentially stole from me (I told him he could buy/have the 2 tables, but not the bookcase - but come moving day, it was all gone). I, of course, didn't hear from him.
So the lucky bastard got my two living room tables, a nice bookcase/room divider, and all the other crap things I did for him over the last 18 months - including cases of beer, wine, groceries, homemade food, gas without waiting in line (twice) during the hurricane gas shortage, a free tow (which he didn't end up taking), leaving the apartment with things for me to clean out and clean, among others.
I get some of that is normal stuff....we both paid for dates, but me more so because he was out of work for what 7 months during that time? I allowed his rent to be up to two months late without charging a penalty ..and in return he gave me the fastest unsatisfying sex ever (well, he really liked it - and maybe 3 times I thought it was great).
I got a few dates, 1 movie, and a few thank yous. Since I didn't hear from him at all in almost a week, I wonder if he finished my card - even typing it here, I wonder if it was a breakup card or an I'm sorry it took me so long to say this all to you card. Sure, I loved him, hard not to after a year and a half...but I was always so disappointed.
So maybe those 12 minutes we had last week were our final goodbye. I don't know. Which I think sucks more - we didn't have the breakup talk. we didn't have any kind of talk. So I am left in limbo. But it shouldn't be his decision alone. I mean, I guess I've known this was coming for months, and I am OK with it...but dammit - don't tell me 2 days before you leave that you love me and are planning things months away and how I can spend a few nights a week at your place and commute into the city....when you just plan to ignore me once you move. It would have been better if he didn't say anything. Or if he was serious - instead of saying it - buy me a 10 trip train ticket, that show me you love me and really mean what you say - not just words.
So, was he just using me these past months? I am starting to think he was...and I was a fool because I let it happen again. I let men use me, and I am so easy about it too....with SI, hello, I bought him a radar detector so he can speed on to the mistresses house and back 'home' to me....I had no idea, but I enabled it and allowed it and even encouraged it.
Will I wonder about ManFriend, sure of course I will. I have been so curious why his previous relationship before me was with a 23 year old (he was 40), he was in love, they moved in together, he thought she was the one....they had that full relationship - met family, friends, trips....and I don't see how they had anything in common, and he a few times said they really didn't...looking back he was just in a cloud because she was so young and hot. So why couldn't he do any of that 'normal' stuff with me? Not that I will dwell on that, but that is what I'd wonder, the girl he starts sleeping with next (if it hasn't happened already) - will she get all those things I wanted? Will she hate the sex but stay with him anyway because it becomes addicting? Or will he never settle down because at this point at 42 1/2 he is so set in his ways that he won't be able to adjust well having someone around all the time.
Is it true that the higher powers won't give you something better until you aren't going to make the same mistake again? Do I have to have another 'test' and stand up for myself? Is it so wrong to want to do really nice things for people you care about? I am scared if I stand up for myself - I'll be seen as a bitch and no one wants that, but caring too much I guess is detrimental also -for me emotionally, and I am seen as a toy/something to control in their eyes - and who can love that?
I like cards, I feel like it is fairly cheap, but a nice thing to give on occasion to let the other person know you are thinking about them....hmm, but I never remember birthday or holiday cards.
Anyway, so in this card, I wrote a mini novel to ManFriend:
"I was attracted to you from the first moment I saw you - when you stopped by to chat about the apartment. As we got to know each other and spend time together, I developed feelings for you - but tried to hold them back because that was not the 'relationship' we agreed upon. However, seeing you 2-3 times a week and chatting/texting in between made it more difficult for me. By April of last year, I knew I liked you more than I should. Since then our 'relationship' has been unusual and complicated. Maybe we are both stubborn or maybe we were never on the same page at the same time - but it started to take a toll on me. By October I was completely frustrated - I wanted to spend more time with you but instead we started seeing each other less and less.
The night you told me you wanted to be part of a couple and that you loved me was a wonderfulnight. I was excited that you maybe felt the way I had for all those months. Unfortunately, things really started to take a nose dive after that. and while I hoped maybe our relationship wouldn't be a secret and we'd start to have a more 'normal' relationship, you acted as if we were just friends.
This past year and a half has been a roller coaster for me, but mostly I've been disappointed and let down.
I always figured teh next time I fell in love, I'd be happy, cheerful, and excited which is why I didn't tell you want you wanted to hear for months. I couldn't say that when our 'relationship' needed tremendous work, because I was fearful if I did say that - you would think that it was enough for me, and it wasn't.
But, I was wrong to hold those words hostage. I had developed strong feelings for you, and the feeling I got in my belly when i was upset or let down really got to me. And when we kiss, the world goes blank and I am transformed into a place I didn't know existed. It is those reasons plus more that I realized, I did, in fact, love you, ManFriend.
I am sorry it took so long for me to say, but I know you knew I felt it long ago. And I do not know if me saying it sooner would have changed our relationship or encouraged you to want to see me more. I am a big believer in fate and things happening for a reason. I have no doubt about why the universe brought you to me, and I am thankful for the time we had together. I learned a lot about me and about the type of relationship I want.
I'd like to thank you for putting up with me, and I hope I impacted your life a little too.
I am going to miss you. But I also know you;ll be happy wherever life takes you since you seem know what you want and do what you want. I'll be good too.
Love, Denise"
So, while I wrote that a month before he left, and before I actually told him I loved him, I gave that to him 2 days before he moved. He read part of it before we went for trivia, and after he again told me how amazing I've been to him this past year and a half and how lucky he was to have me. He said he loved me and hoped that we would continue our relationship since he was only moving an hour away.
Then the moving day came and I didn't see him, well, for 12 minutes the following day when he came to pick up miscellaneous stuff he couldn't fit in his car and when he made plans with me for the coming Saturday (May 4th since he blew off dinner that night because of the stitches he needed). On Monday we texted a few times that was basically me telling him I was having a really hard time with him leaving and that I needed him to be nicer to me, and to do little nice things - like I did for him over the last year and a half, and most importantly not to jump down my throat if I was a bit testy...since I was extremely emotional. He said he understood and could do that.
I didn't hear from him since. Saturday May 4th came and went and I didn't hear a word out of him.
That older man invited me out for drinks with his friends, and I went so I wouldn't sit home alone, depressed and ready to cry - even though the last few days I've been OK. I know I could have called ManFriend to confirm today, but I wanted to see if he really cared about me. For the last 18 months, I questioned if his feeling for me were sincere or if he was playing me because I was his landlord and I'd allow things to his advantage because I was nice and had a really hard time differentiating my landlord position and my whatever my relationship with him was. It might not have been correct, and I certainly wouldn't call it a game - but I wanted to know if he would be nice and sweet and tell me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me.
Instead, he moved and more or less forgot all about me already.
So on my second glass of wine on an empty stomach tonight, I messaged him telling him to send me money for the book case that he essentially stole from me (I told him he could buy/have the 2 tables, but not the bookcase - but come moving day, it was all gone). I, of course, didn't hear from him.
So the lucky bastard got my two living room tables, a nice bookcase/room divider, and all the other crap things I did for him over the last 18 months - including cases of beer, wine, groceries, homemade food, gas without waiting in line (twice) during the hurricane gas shortage, a free tow (which he didn't end up taking), leaving the apartment with things for me to clean out and clean, among others.
I get some of that is normal stuff....we both paid for dates, but me more so because he was out of work for what 7 months during that time? I allowed his rent to be up to two months late without charging a penalty ..and in return he gave me the fastest unsatisfying sex ever (well, he really liked it - and maybe 3 times I thought it was great).
I got a few dates, 1 movie, and a few thank yous. Since I didn't hear from him at all in almost a week, I wonder if he finished my card - even typing it here, I wonder if it was a breakup card or an I'm sorry it took me so long to say this all to you card. Sure, I loved him, hard not to after a year and a half...but I was always so disappointed.
So maybe those 12 minutes we had last week were our final goodbye. I don't know. Which I think sucks more - we didn't have the breakup talk. we didn't have any kind of talk. So I am left in limbo. But it shouldn't be his decision alone. I mean, I guess I've known this was coming for months, and I am OK with it...but dammit - don't tell me 2 days before you leave that you love me and are planning things months away and how I can spend a few nights a week at your place and commute into the city....when you just plan to ignore me once you move. It would have been better if he didn't say anything. Or if he was serious - instead of saying it - buy me a 10 trip train ticket, that show me you love me and really mean what you say - not just words.
So, was he just using me these past months? I am starting to think he was...and I was a fool because I let it happen again. I let men use me, and I am so easy about it too....with SI, hello, I bought him a radar detector so he can speed on to the mistresses house and back 'home' to me....I had no idea, but I enabled it and allowed it and even encouraged it.
Will I wonder about ManFriend, sure of course I will. I have been so curious why his previous relationship before me was with a 23 year old (he was 40), he was in love, they moved in together, he thought she was the one....they had that full relationship - met family, friends, trips....and I don't see how they had anything in common, and he a few times said they really didn't...looking back he was just in a cloud because she was so young and hot. So why couldn't he do any of that 'normal' stuff with me? Not that I will dwell on that, but that is what I'd wonder, the girl he starts sleeping with next (if it hasn't happened already) - will she get all those things I wanted? Will she hate the sex but stay with him anyway because it becomes addicting? Or will he never settle down because at this point at 42 1/2 he is so set in his ways that he won't be able to adjust well having someone around all the time.
Is it true that the higher powers won't give you something better until you aren't going to make the same mistake again? Do I have to have another 'test' and stand up for myself? Is it so wrong to want to do really nice things for people you care about? I am scared if I stand up for myself - I'll be seen as a bitch and no one wants that, but caring too much I guess is detrimental also -for me emotionally, and I am seen as a toy/something to control in their eyes - and who can love that?
Friday, May 3, 2013
slowly adjusting
OK so it's been a week since I've seen ManFriend. We chatted a little last Sunday and on Monday via text where we just seemed annoyed with each other - maybe because we both realized things weren't going to be the same and our emotions got the best of us.
On Monday when I was explaining to him I wasn't handling his departure well, I felt like I had to justify why I was sad and a little moody. He asked what he could do to help...and I wasn't sure. I explained to him that I shouldn't have to ask for help - and even specifically to tell him what to do - but just to do things....like I did for him when he was sad & depressed last year. He claimed he understood and said "ok".
I haven't heard from him since.
So now it is 9pm, and we originally said we'd get together tomorrow. I don't know if that is still on or not. I have been talking to myself with scenarios. 1) I don't call/text/show up -> and he flips out because we talked about this last Saturday...but I like real invitations and confirmation if I haven't heard from you in a week...plus I don't know his address 2) I hate not knowing if I have plans and what time they start because I end up wasting my day...and I HATE when people don't appreciate my time. 3) If I don't hear from him until midday or early evening tomorrow asking me to do down...do I? Yes because I'd like to see him...but No because what makes him think that kind of assumption is OK. 4) I fear if I do go down at the last minute, it would be more like a booty call...we did that at the beginning but I can't go back to that at this point, I have no desire for that and I don't want to be stuck in that cycle.
And I don't understand his thinking. Now that he lives 15 minutes from work, he should have time. There is no excuse that he can't contact me in the evenings to check in. I know he would be thinking I could contact him too, but my feelings were more on the line, and since HE wanted to continue our relationship after he moved....I would have liked HIM to reassure me it was doable for him. I know I am capable of handling it, but I didn't think he was, and so far I am proving that right.
I haven't cried or teared up since Tuesday....so I want to say I am slowly adjusting to him not being in my life anymore. I am hoping that with the one door closing, another one will open wide.
Last night, out of the blue, Bank Boy IMed me asking if we can resume our casual sex. He gets so mad when I say no. It's been what 2 - 2/12 years? He is way too needy, and I don't want to get involved in that again. Of course I said no.
On Monday when I was explaining to him I wasn't handling his departure well, I felt like I had to justify why I was sad and a little moody. He asked what he could do to help...and I wasn't sure. I explained to him that I shouldn't have to ask for help - and even specifically to tell him what to do - but just to do things....like I did for him when he was sad & depressed last year. He claimed he understood and said "ok".
I haven't heard from him since.
So now it is 9pm, and we originally said we'd get together tomorrow. I don't know if that is still on or not. I have been talking to myself with scenarios. 1) I don't call/text/show up -> and he flips out because we talked about this last Saturday...but I like real invitations and confirmation if I haven't heard from you in a week...plus I don't know his address 2) I hate not knowing if I have plans and what time they start because I end up wasting my day...and I HATE when people don't appreciate my time. 3) If I don't hear from him until midday or early evening tomorrow asking me to do down...do I? Yes because I'd like to see him...but No because what makes him think that kind of assumption is OK. 4) I fear if I do go down at the last minute, it would be more like a booty call...we did that at the beginning but I can't go back to that at this point, I have no desire for that and I don't want to be stuck in that cycle.
And I don't understand his thinking. Now that he lives 15 minutes from work, he should have time. There is no excuse that he can't contact me in the evenings to check in. I know he would be thinking I could contact him too, but my feelings were more on the line, and since HE wanted to continue our relationship after he moved....I would have liked HIM to reassure me it was doable for him. I know I am capable of handling it, but I didn't think he was, and so far I am proving that right.
I haven't cried or teared up since Tuesday....so I want to say I am slowly adjusting to him not being in my life anymore. I am hoping that with the one door closing, another one will open wide.
Last night, out of the blue, Bank Boy IMed me asking if we can resume our casual sex. He gets so mad when I say no. It's been what 2 - 2/12 years? He is way too needy, and I don't want to get involved in that again. Of course I said no.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Wanted: my next healthy obsession
After the breakup with SI, I submerged myself in knitting and reading. I needed to escape my life, knitting was amazing therapy because of the concentration it took allowing me to not think of him. And reading stories became my biggest obsession. That first year I read a lot of chick-lit, hoping one day I'd have a happy ending after such a horrible twist of fate. But chick-lit started to become boring and the stories were mild compared to what I went through so I expanded my reading to anything that caught my eye.
I still read a lot, so I am wondering what my obsession will be after ManFriend leaves next weekend. I'd love to see me submerged in exercise, but that doesn't seem like me. However, I will need something to keep me busy and take up that void that was once occupied by ManFriend.
I know recently our time together had dwindled, and in a way I am happy for that because I hope it helped prepare me for next week. Even though our time together slowed down, I was still obsessed with checking my phone hoping he'd message me, all that waiting, all that time that now needs to turn into something else.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
breakup #6?
I can't tell you want a stressful evening I had.
It started off well. I was looking forward to watching some (aka, a lot) of basketball and seeing ManFriend later. But I kind of flipped out when I found out that his plans were cancelled for the day, and he was home, after I told him on Friday that I wanted to spend a weekend day with him. I don't understand. I really just don't get it. And I also found out this evening he put down a deposit for an apartment in NJ...so he will be about an hour away from me, something I knew was coming, and something that has been on the back of my mind for 3-4 months...was he just using me until he moved? or where his feelings real? I shouldn't have to ask that, and if I do, I know that means it isn't right...so don't holler that at me.
I don't think I was hurtful in my messages, neither was he, but he has a way to twist things around and make ME feel guilty. SI did that all the time too...is that a man quality? I don't understand. I've been above and beyond the call of friend/girlfriend/lover. And I am fully aware if that he doesn't get it or want more, I don't make him happy enough. Stupid me keeps trying, getting nothing in return except frustration - and yet, when the conversation ends, I feel guilty. I feel sad. I loose sleep.
So what started out as what I thought was going to be a nice night, maybe a stayover turned into a "I am not happy, I can't do this anymore, I am not happy in this 'relationship'" conversation. My belly started to turn, I felt it, I wasn't expecting it. I was with my family so no tears were involved, but my belly turned. We texted a bit more and I really don't know where we stand.
Based on previous situations, we'll not talk for a week, then I'll suck it up and go over there. We'll kiss....and then I am back where I started.
And on top of that...did you watch the Marquette-Butler game? Oh My Goodness. A great, edge of your seat game. I am starting to get too old to have watchers anxiety.
Oh, you'll like this. So yesterday I tell 1/2 the family about ManFriend based on the group brackets we have. Today, the other 1/2 of my family didn't notice ManFriend's name. And when my brother-in-law did, he assumed it was someone else's boyfriend because statistically the odds of me meeting/dating someone are slim. Even some of my family lost faith I can find someone.
It started off well. I was looking forward to watching some (aka, a lot) of basketball and seeing ManFriend later. But I kind of flipped out when I found out that his plans were cancelled for the day, and he was home, after I told him on Friday that I wanted to spend a weekend day with him. I don't understand. I really just don't get it. And I also found out this evening he put down a deposit for an apartment in NJ...so he will be about an hour away from me, something I knew was coming, and something that has been on the back of my mind for 3-4 months...was he just using me until he moved? or where his feelings real? I shouldn't have to ask that, and if I do, I know that means it isn't right...so don't holler that at me.
I don't think I was hurtful in my messages, neither was he, but he has a way to twist things around and make ME feel guilty. SI did that all the time too...is that a man quality? I don't understand. I've been above and beyond the call of friend/girlfriend/lover. And I am fully aware if that he doesn't get it or want more, I don't make him happy enough. Stupid me keeps trying, getting nothing in return except frustration - and yet, when the conversation ends, I feel guilty. I feel sad. I loose sleep.
So what started out as what I thought was going to be a nice night, maybe a stayover turned into a "I am not happy, I can't do this anymore, I am not happy in this 'relationship'" conversation. My belly started to turn, I felt it, I wasn't expecting it. I was with my family so no tears were involved, but my belly turned. We texted a bit more and I really don't know where we stand.
Based on previous situations, we'll not talk for a week, then I'll suck it up and go over there. We'll kiss....and then I am back where I started.
And on top of that...did you watch the Marquette-Butler game? Oh My Goodness. A great, edge of your seat game. I am starting to get too old to have watchers anxiety.
Oh, you'll like this. So yesterday I tell 1/2 the family about ManFriend based on the group brackets we have. Today, the other 1/2 of my family didn't notice ManFriend's name. And when my brother-in-law did, he assumed it was someone else's boyfriend because statistically the odds of me meeting/dating someone are slim. Even some of my family lost faith I can find someone.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
The breakup #5
My frustration level hit a peak last week - I was out with my bookclub ladies really close to where ManFriend lives. So I texted him that I was around the corner, maybe he wanted to get together for a little while - many months ago he said I needed to be more spontaneous and not plan everything. What better way to be spontaneous than a half hour visit at the last minute, midweek?
But what do I get? "not today, maybe tomorrow?"
I had plans the next night...nothing crazy, I just decided to go to a travel meetup. I knew getting together with ManFriend would have been more fun, but I needed to do something like this anyway...who knows who I might have met there....a husband? A friend? a travel partner?
So, I lost it.
ManFriend - Or we could just hang out tomorrow?
Me - I have plans tomorrow, sorry
ManFriend - Damn!
Me - Well, if you made plans with me more than 15 hours I'd be more available, but I seem to have a lot of free time these days, and I am trying to fill it.
ManFriend - I had to try
Me - It is very frustrating that sometimes you say things like - stop over anytime or we can see each other for a few minutes mid week. And when I try I am always rejected. We only get together when you want to. I don't know if I can work that way anymore.
ManFriend - I'm sorry you feel that way. And it shouldn't always be that way. Agreed. It would have been wonderful to see you
Me - Well, now you know something else that bothers me
ManFriend - You made that very clear
Me - You seem annoyed I shared that
ManFriend - Not at all. I'm glad you said that
Me - I've been thinking about it for months
ManFriend - Then you should have said something sooner. Can't change if I don't know about it.
Me - People don't really change. I kept trying....kept thinking one days will be different. And I've said it in fewer words. I didn't want to be perceived as demanding or crazy or hard to please
ManFriend - You are none of those things.
And that was 5 days ago. I didn't realize telling him I was frustrated was the end. I mean, I know it is fine because this wasn't what I wanted...and I can't really believe he was surprised with my observation - I mean....doesn't he realize that I always go there? That I cook for him, that I take him out to dinner/drinks, that when he calls, I go over. And doesn't he ever think...what do I do for that sweet gal? Nothing. Maybe he thinks having sex with him is my treat...but it isn't because I do all the work 95% of the time. I was happy when I donated blood and he wanted to have sex...and I can't engage in physical activity that he was forced to get on top for a change. Anyway, I am getting off topic.
One would think after you share something like that, if someone was interested in you, they would do something to show you they care. This lack of communication and outreach further proves that his mentality is so different than mine. We are completely different pages.
So, I wonder if he will reach out like nothing happened or will he continue to avoid me and be done with it.
But what do I get? "not today, maybe tomorrow?"
I had plans the next night...nothing crazy, I just decided to go to a travel meetup. I knew getting together with ManFriend would have been more fun, but I needed to do something like this anyway...who knows who I might have met there....a husband? A friend? a travel partner?
So, I lost it.
ManFriend - Or we could just hang out tomorrow?
Me - I have plans tomorrow, sorry
ManFriend - Damn!
Me - Well, if you made plans with me more than 15 hours I'd be more available, but I seem to have a lot of free time these days, and I am trying to fill it.
ManFriend - I had to try
Me - It is very frustrating that sometimes you say things like - stop over anytime or we can see each other for a few minutes mid week. And when I try I am always rejected. We only get together when you want to. I don't know if I can work that way anymore.
ManFriend - I'm sorry you feel that way. And it shouldn't always be that way. Agreed. It would have been wonderful to see you
Me - Well, now you know something else that bothers me
ManFriend - You made that very clear
Me - You seem annoyed I shared that
ManFriend - Not at all. I'm glad you said that
Me - I've been thinking about it for months
ManFriend - Then you should have said something sooner. Can't change if I don't know about it.
Me - People don't really change. I kept trying....kept thinking one days will be different. And I've said it in fewer words. I didn't want to be perceived as demanding or crazy or hard to please
ManFriend - You are none of those things.
And that was 5 days ago. I didn't realize telling him I was frustrated was the end. I mean, I know it is fine because this wasn't what I wanted...and I can't really believe he was surprised with my observation - I mean....doesn't he realize that I always go there? That I cook for him, that I take him out to dinner/drinks, that when he calls, I go over. And doesn't he ever think...what do I do for that sweet gal? Nothing. Maybe he thinks having sex with him is my treat...but it isn't because I do all the work 95% of the time. I was happy when I donated blood and he wanted to have sex...and I can't engage in physical activity that he was forced to get on top for a change. Anyway, I am getting off topic.
One would think after you share something like that, if someone was interested in you, they would do something to show you they care. This lack of communication and outreach further proves that his mentality is so different than mine. We are completely different pages.
So, I wonder if he will reach out like nothing happened or will he continue to avoid me and be done with it.
Monday, February 18, 2013
a love bi-polar
If I wanted to be immature I would breakup with ManFriend using some of Katy Perry's lyrics from Hot & Cold. I could dedicate the song to him or use the lyrics in a nice Hallmark breakup card. I can't seem to get this song out of my head when I think of ManFriend...this fits him perfectly. He changes his mind all the time that I started to wonder if he has multiple personality disorder or some sort of memory loss that he can't remember what he tells me.
It has been driving me crazy...just another reason I know this isn't going to last much longer - in fact, all weekend I kept thinking how am I going to bring this up.
So there it is...every time I hear this song, I will think of ManFriend.
It has been driving me crazy...just another reason I know this isn't going to last much longer - in fact, all weekend I kept thinking how am I going to bring this up.
"Hot N Cold" - Katy Perry
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes.
Yeah, you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know
And you over think
Always speak
Critically
I should know
That you're no good for me
[Chorus:]
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don't really wanna go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know that
You're not gonna change
[Chorus]
Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don't really wanna go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down, down...
Like a girl changes clothes.
Yeah, you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know
And you over think
Always speak
Critically
I should know
That you're no good for me
[Chorus:]
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don't really wanna go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know that
You're not gonna change
[Chorus]
Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you) You don't really wanna stay, no
(you) But you don't really wanna go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down, down...
So there it is...every time I hear this song, I will think of ManFriend.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
my heart in pieces
I reread some of my blog posts yesterday and came across the one where I was talking about living with less than contentment. I wrote that when I was happy with the type of relationship I had with ManFriend and about the kind of relationship I had with SI when it was good. Those are things I need going forward and I keep telling myself I refuse to settle for anything less because I know how amazing love can be.
I had to have a serious chat with myself last night. Even though I've had similar chats with myself for the last 6 weeks, this chat, I hope, sunk in. I am miserable. I am afraid I am getting depressed. And why? All because of the way ManFriend has been acting and treating me in the last 6 weeks.
I don't know if I can handle having my heart broken in any more pieces. I deserve better, I know that - even he knows that.
I didn't agree to trying to be part of a couple with him to spend every weekend night alone, and all weekday nights alone; only seeing him for an hour over the weekend. I didn't think our relationship would have make a 180 in less than a week after it became 'official', and it didn't fix itself but kept lingering. That is not love, it isn't even lust or like.
I can't do it anymore. I did't cry last night, I don't know if I have any tears or energy left in me to waste on ManFriend.
Of course it is hard, I keep remembering the really fun and great parts of the last 14 months. There were some happy times in there. Most of all, I am going to miss kissing him. We kiss so well together. It was my addiction.
I know we had that amazing conversation on Wednesday night. Maybe he should be a sales person, because I definitely bought into everything he told me. And I wanted to believe it. I did my part, I worked on what his problems with me were. I went out of my way to show him I wanted to make it work. He carried on with the way he is - not giving me what I need in a relationship. I am not satisfied - emotionally or sexually.
I cannot go back to a casual sexual relationship with him, that would be too hard, and I know that because that is what the last 6 weeks has felt like...and I hate it.
Do I try to have breakup #5 conversation, or do I just let it fade? He is quite unavailable this week, and I am out of town next week, so really in 3 weeks it won't even be an issue.
I had to have a serious chat with myself last night. Even though I've had similar chats with myself for the last 6 weeks, this chat, I hope, sunk in. I am miserable. I am afraid I am getting depressed. And why? All because of the way ManFriend has been acting and treating me in the last 6 weeks.
I don't know if I can handle having my heart broken in any more pieces. I deserve better, I know that - even he knows that.
I didn't agree to trying to be part of a couple with him to spend every weekend night alone, and all weekday nights alone; only seeing him for an hour over the weekend. I didn't think our relationship would have make a 180 in less than a week after it became 'official', and it didn't fix itself but kept lingering. That is not love, it isn't even lust or like.
I can't do it anymore. I did't cry last night, I don't know if I have any tears or energy left in me to waste on ManFriend.
Of course it is hard, I keep remembering the really fun and great parts of the last 14 months. There were some happy times in there. Most of all, I am going to miss kissing him. We kiss so well together. It was my addiction.
I know we had that amazing conversation on Wednesday night. Maybe he should be a sales person, because I definitely bought into everything he told me. And I wanted to believe it. I did my part, I worked on what his problems with me were. I went out of my way to show him I wanted to make it work. He carried on with the way he is - not giving me what I need in a relationship. I am not satisfied - emotionally or sexually.
I cannot go back to a casual sexual relationship with him, that would be too hard, and I know that because that is what the last 6 weeks has felt like...and I hate it.
Do I try to have breakup #5 conversation, or do I just let it fade? He is quite unavailable this week, and I am out of town next week, so really in 3 weeks it won't even be an issue.
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