Portland

I had a work meeting in Portland, OR. I was looking forward to getting away for a few days, even if it did mean long days.

Chocolate Mousse

My first day there, after my meeting, I met up with Mountain Man and his friends for dinner.  We went to Ringside Fish House, where I had an amazing meal.  We  had a few drinks, split oysters and I had the rockfish, and split the chocolate mousse.  And then we were flirting.  Since we got there much later than his friends...they all left and it was just him & I eating our entrees.  We walk back to the hotel, and I made the executive decision to go to his room.

VooDoo Doughnuts

The next day I had off, and ventured to Voodoo Doughnuts.  I am not a huge doughnut fan, but everyone was talking about them.  Since Mountain Man was going to be hungover, I figured I'd get some doughnuts for when he woke up.  But the problem was what kind to get???  I didn't just want to get a regular one, I wanted something weird, and there was plenty to chose from.  I also don't know what kind of sweets Mountain Man likes, aside from that he doesn't like peanuts/peanut butter.  I keep him waiting because, well, of course there is a line...not bad, only 40 minutes.  Was it worth it? I don't really know.  They were OK...if there was a sign like DisneyWorld that said "wait time from here 40 minutes" I probably would not have waited.  But it all worked out...so I was late, but he was hung over and off to a slow start.  We caught part of the Portland Rose Festival before picking up the rental car.




We headed out to Seaside and Cannon Beach, about a 90 minute drive.  A beautiful ride through the forest to get there, we had a quick bite at The Crabby Oyster (clam chowder was lumpy and was worse tasting than campbell's, the shrimp on a skewer were OK, but not worth the $15 price tag, and even worse was the crab cake melt, which not only looked disgusting, but didn't taste that good either).


The coast was beautiful.  We spent a few hours walking the seaside beach and then decided to visit Cannon Beach, we were hoping to find some rocks/pools of water, but it was just another beautiful beach.

We walked, we skipped sand dollars into the water, we sat in the sand.  The water was too cold to go in for a swim, but of course we went in up to our knees.  It was such a relaxing day, I felt a million miles away from all the stress.

 Mountain Man had dinner plans that evening, mine were cancelled, so we ended our trip and headed back.

The following day we had a work function and afterwards we got drunk again and had an amazing night together.  When it came to saying goodbye..I wanted more time with him, I felt like were just getting into a much better grove than previous times, and I wanted it to continue a few more days.  The goodbye was simple, just a quick kiss, no I hope to see you soon, no I'll miss you, no I look forward to next time.  Just...have a safe trip home. Muah.

Then he left and I continued to work/sight see on my own.

I used the MAX light rail, saw the International Rose Test Garden, visited Powell's bookstore, walked around the town, had some other great meals out, toured the USS Bluebird and met up with my Friend who lives in Oregon for dinner.

a dreaded conversation

Whenever I get a note from my mother that says, "Dee, I need to talk to you, let me know when you are free" I get nervous, a conversation I don't want to have is coming.

I arrange to meet my mother at her house for breakfast, I don't want to be out in public crying.

We make small talk while eating and then finally she tells me what is on her mind.  She told me that she was very concerned for me because I seem very sad and she wants me to see a therapist.  When I asked her when she noticed the sadness, she said it was after I got back from seeing Mountain Man after New Years.  Yes, I would probably agree, I noticed a change in me then too.  I was upset that the thing with Mountain Man wasn't more, I was upset that ManFriend seemed more sick than he was letting on.  Then ManFriend died and while I blogged to you about it, I really didn't have anyone else to talk about it, and I just haven't snapped out of it.  I told my mother about my January and explained that ManFriend's death was hard for me because I loved him, sort of. and how can I talk about it to my family when none of them really even knew about him, let alone my feelings for him.  She said I was shutting people out, that I haven't let anyone in a while, that i have this huge shield protecting me and pushing people away.  She thinks is stems from SI.  She might be right, but it is not intentional.

Why should I see a therapist now?  I made it through the darkest days of my life without one, I don't think the loss of ManFriend and the disappointment in Mountain Man is worse than what happened 8 years before.

It hasn't been easy to find a single guy, I have a really hard time meeting people and even harder time to find someone who is interested in me in a possible future kind of way.  But, I did try to let people in.  I tried with ManFriend...and I was hurt and it was a messed up non-relationship, but I did develop very strong feelings for him and he knew a lot about my past, and if he wasn't such a bachelor, maybe it would have been more 'normal'.  Then I tried with Mountain Man....and well I don't know why he decided he wasn't into me, he just wasn't and I wasn't about to beg...I want a man to desire me and want to be with me exclusively (I learned from SI that I can't accept anything less) so that was that.  I tried.  I failed, which always sucks. But I tried.

So the question is, do I start to see a therapist?  I don't want to delve that much into my past, especially not my childhood...I don't want them to make me question why I am messed up.  And honestly, I really don't want to relive the pain of telling someone the stories of SI. I want to think that part of me is way behind in the past.  And I don't think I am THAT sad. I mean, I am not happy, but I am not as sad as I was years ago.  I am not in this fog where I am losing years of my life I don't remember because I am in shock.  I just have a lot going on....between the sadness, not feeling great and the stress of what is to come.

But I respect my mother and her courage to bring these taboo topics up.  She is worried about me and she is my mother and she would do anything in her power to make me happy.  You are never to old to have your mother worry about you, after all.  And after our conversation, I did feel a little better it was nice to talk about that stuff even if I was crying during most of the conversation.

doesn't care about me

I think the thing with Mountain Man needs to be over.

If there is one thing I learned from ManFriend, it was that I didn't want love to be difficult; I didn't want to feel like a guy didn't like me even though they claim they do; and I didn't want to put way more into a relationship than I was getting.  I want a guy to pay attention to me and be connected physically and emotionally.

After New Years, I cut back on chatting with him because I didn't really feel like he was into me during our last visit.  Fine.  I said to myself and to him in November that I am not going to convince or persuade someone to like me.  I am a good catch and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I am not going to pressure them and I am certainly not going to wait around for them.  I learned that from SI.

But he'd message me every few days, of course I'd respond.  And it was always nice, I enjoy chatting with him.  It makes me smile.

But last week, he was the first person I told about the death of ManFriend and I asked him to tell me a joke or something funny to cheer me up.  He couldn't think of anything.  We chatted a little bit over the weekend and we talked about something stressful at his job and I followed up with him a few times - to see if he was OK and whatnot.  But he never followed up with me about how I was feeling.

Alas, he doesn't care about me.

I can't say I am surprised.  But I am a little disappointed.  I don't met guys often or easily and I certainly don't find ones I can have really great conversations with.

So what now?  I could just tell him that I am done chatting with him....but if anything we've been more friends than anything else, is there a point to stop talking altogether?  It isn't like he lives close and we'd hang out and I'd be obsessing over if anything will happen.  I'll keep chatting, on his terms and eventually a few days in between conversations will turn into a few weeks into months and then fade altogether.

Of course I'll miss chatting with Mountain Man.  After the end of ManFriend, I met him and I realized there are still some nice guys out there.  I started to enjoy getting to know someone again and it reminded me that I don't want to lose hope on that what if of meeting someone else.  But, I want a guy who is interested in me and what I am going through.

still not sure

I like to think I am a somewhat smart woman, but I can't read Mountain Man and that frustrates me.

I am sure you are like - just talk to him and find out...and sure we've been chatting for 5 months, but our last encounter was really like date number 4...and isn't that about the time you start to wonder if there is potential?  And isn't that too soon to ask what is going on.  Obliviously we find each other interesting because we chat regularly.

I guess my thought is that I think he makes a fantastic companion.  I love that he is outdoorsy, smart and so different than people I am used to.  I love that in my short visit we played trivia pursuit and completed a puzzle.  I loved that we snuggled on the couch to watch tv/movie and I love that we like the same kinds of foods and have very similar thoughts on those controversial topics.

However, we lack passion.  I know I blogged about passion two years ago; something I figured I needed.  I am sure it could be there...since our situation is different it could be not wanting to show it because we still don't know where/if anything it is going to lead...it is not an ideal situation.  It could be that he felt bad that I spent a lot of money to go out there that he doesn't know if he can reciprocate his feelings enough, a fear once mentioned.  Or it can be simply he isn't attracted to me in a physical way.

And unfortunately I am anxious.  I have spent 7 years waiting. Waiting to find a man to date, that could love me, treat me with respect and someone I could have a future with.  I don't know if he is that person or not.

a try at cross country skiing

Mountain Man is an outdoorsy kind of guy, one thing I am attracted to.  He took me cross country skiing - something I hadn't done before.  He helped dress me in warm clothing by supplementing items I did not pack/have, rented me skis, boots and poles, and then drove me up to the area where we'd spend a few hours.

He gave me a lesson on how to click my boots into place, how to move my legs, the purpose of the poles, and strategies for going up and down....because of course the land is not completely flat.

I was off to a good start.  My first obstacle was just 5 minutes in when we had to cross a small bridge that didn't have banisters...I barely knew how to move; I was fearful that the slight drop into the bridge would have me go into the river, but I made it over....and then I fell.

Mountain Man was so sweet and got down to the ground to show me how I was supposed to get up.

After I was comfortable enough to move, I told Mountain Man to go at his own pace and just wait for me every once in a while - I didn't want him to have a horrible time just because I was slow.

After a while, I became more comfortable with the activity and started to enjoy the dips in elevation....but not the inclines!  But I was still sort of tired and was unable to go at a faster pace.

The place we went was quiet and serene...just want I needed.  It was so peaceful and the fresh air felt so different in my lungs.

We skied for about 3.5 miles a good length for a first-timer.  I wasn't sore or in pain, but I did feel an ache on my right side.  I was also sweating like crazy, even with it being only 15 degrees.

In total I fell 5 times...always after a hard part, I guess when I relaxed.  The last fall was feet from the parking lot - and hurt the most.

After we got back to his place, he taught me how to make a fire, then we ate some cheese cake, opened a bottle of champagne, ordered pizza for delivery and had another bottle of champagne.

It was a great day.

virtual date: mystery box cooking challenge

For my second virtual date, I thought it would be fun to show off our cooking skill and creativity.

I asked 25 people to name a single food/ingredient, for the most part these people did not know what other people selected.  I wrote down the items in order received and when I thought there was enough, I shared the number with my date, and told him he could eliminate a few to pick the numbers from 1 - 25.  Having him eliminate random ingredients was a good idea, because over the course of the few hours of collecting items, ideas were forming in my head about what to make...but then when something was eliminated, that changed things.  Brought it back up to a level playing field.

This is what was given:

1. onion
2. hot peppers
3. cumin
4. cilantro
5. basil
6. hominy
7. sausage
8. apple
9. ginger
10. spam
11. bacon
12. asparagus
13. jicama
14. shrimp
15. brussel sprouts
16. bell peppers
17. capers
18. pretzels
19. kale
20. snow peas
21. lime
22. quinoa
23. mozzarella
24. raisins
25. cabbage

At the selected time, we have 60 minutes to prep and prepare a dinner using a minimum of 13 ingredients.  We can use very basic extras like salt, pepper, oil, butter, etc.  

There are a lot of green in there...I hope I can get creative enough to pull something off...that is edible.  My goal is one main dish and two sides.  We'll see how it goes.

I cut up half the apple and put it in the food processor, I mixed in juice from the lime and added part of the hot pepper.  I marinated the shrimp in this marinade and closer to the end time, I sauteed the shrimp and added the kale and cut snow peas.

The brussel sprouts were the most work.  I chopped them up quite fine and sauteed them in some olive oil and a smidgen of garlic.  I cooked 2 strips of bacon and some spam; once cooked/browned I added that to the brussel sprouts.  I stirred in raisins and topped with broken pretzels.














The hominy I sauteed with olive oil.  I cooked the hot sausage through and cut into small pieces.  I mixed the sausage into the hominy and added cut up asparagus.  I wasn't sure if the hominy should have stayed in the balls...or blended, so I put more into the food processor and mixed the extra hominy into the rest.  It tasted good, but didn't look good, so I thought maybe I could try to make it into a patty/cake, so back into the frying pan it went.  However, it didn't stay in a patty/cake, when I attempted to flip it, it fell apart.

I did not use the capers, cumin or mozzarella.

When 54 minutes passed, my meal was done.  It didn't take that long to cook it all...but I wanted to be sure my food was hot when 60 minutes was over.  It all tasted good....well, except for the spam. I probably shouldn't have bothered, but I figured I never used it or tasted it before, why not try it?

My completed meal

My competitor, did not finish in the time allowed, he apparently was a little distracted by household work. He did not use hominy, spam or brussel sprouts.  What I appreciated was the whole time, he was enthusiastic about this idea for a date and his meal looked good too.

his completed meal

virtual date: dinner and a movie

Most relationships start with dating - the time when you get to know the other person.  However, when you are talking to someone a few states away...that makes dating a little harder.

After all our talking, I decided to ask Mountain Man if he'd like to have a virtual date with me...dinner and a movie.   We'd eat the same thing and watch the same movie at the same time.  He was intrigued.

On Saturday evening, we each ordered Chinese food and we watched Dead Man Down.  We hit play at the same time, and tried to pause when we had to get up so we'd finish about the same time.

During the movie there were a few texts, but nothing crazy, "what a first date!", an "ooohhh, wow, I didn't expect that" or "...answer to your question at minute 37:18".

The concept of dinner and a movie was good.  With the time difference, I ate dinner a bit later than normal. Unfortunately, somehow we kept getting out of sync with the movie. At one point I was on pause for 20 minutes when he caught up....then at the end he managed to get 15 minutes behind me. I am not sure how that kept happening, I know he had to rewind a few seconds here or there to hear a line better.

When the movie was over he called me and we talked about the movie and if we liked it or not.  We both enjoyed the movie quite a bit.

Not sure how to gauge if the date was successful.  I enjoyed the movie and chatting with him.  Do I feel like I know him better because of it? No.  But, by sharing an event I feel somehow closer to him, in the sense that he isn't so far away. If anything we are building a really nice friendship.

San Diego with Mountain Man

I had a great trip to San Diego.  It was a work trip with enough personal time in between that I was able to spend a lot of time with Mountain Man.

We went to really nice restaurants, danced the night away at a work function, spent most of Sunday watching football and seeing our fantasy football team lose for the second time this season, had drinks, and then spent a good portion of our last day sightseeing - Coronado Island, Point Loma, Sunset Cliffs, Mission Beach and La Jolla.

The week flew by, and the last day was bittersweet....not knowing what, if anything, lies ahead.

our shadow at the beach at Coronado Island

Point Loma Lighthouse

me at Sunset Cliffs

virtual feelings

Way back when, people used to send love letters to each other.  In fact, my grandmother barely knew the man she started to write in the military.  But during all the correspondence, they developed feelings for each other and when he came home, they married.

These days, we have the Internet, email and text messages.  Unfortunately, it is too easy to develop feelings for someone you barely know; no wonder why there is so much cheating and divorce.

For example, let's say I have talked to a fellow that I know is involved in an early relationship.  Talking to him so frequently is wrong on my end but at the same time I enjoy our conversations so to stop is really hard.  I am sure millions of people feel this way and in turn, there is an emotional cheating and then perhaps acting on it.

Worse, I think about that early relationship and am jealous because while I think of that fellow, he is out getting laid and having dinner and doing whatever else people do while dating.  However,  his messages to me seem like he might be interested too, and by interested too, I mean there is an low level of flirting, nothing outright.

Add to that, I forget about the ACTUAL person, and because this is all virtual, I am making a new person. A person who as all the qualities I love in a small memory of being in awe when we met and I am forgetting all the other things...things that may not be significant, but aren't the good things. It is easy to get rid of the bad things when you are relating them to the person you've now invented.  This will set me up for disappointment later on because when our paths cross, I might not like the real guy compared to the one I've spent months casually chatting with.

And, I am so against cheating because of what happened to me.  And I slept with the guy and now we chat somewhat regularly? That isn't right if his relationship went from a few dates to over a month/relationship.  He very recently mentioned "I am not sure what to make of the relationship yet".  Which to me screams it isn't going to work...I know if I want to continue dating someone after date #2.  I'd think after a month he'd have a clue.  I can't but think I might be to blame.  Perhaps guys will date someone they don't really like just so they get laid regularly whereas I can go months without it.

I guess I need to fire him as my fantasy football consultant so I don't have a reason to email him twice a week; or him text me when one of my players made an awesome play.

#10

I'll get right to the juicy part of my trip.

I met up with the gentleman from Idaho, we had a very nice dinner, drinks and then more drinks on his patio. It was so comfortable; the 8 hours flew by and I would have stayed longer but I was up for 23 hours and was passing out, I headed back to the hotel.

I thought about him all week...hoping I'd see him again when I stopped back through town.  Wondering if anything would happen.  I thought about the 100 attributes in my future husband, and while I don't know about all 100, he had many qualities on my list.  He is good looking but not super handsome; he is on the shorter side, is very thin/skinny and also speaks with a little impairment at times, is a Gemini, and has a name I had hoped to avoid...but those aren't on my list.  Everything else about him I really liked.  Figures.

Upon my return he invited me to hang out at his place.  We installed bathroom towel bars and a cabinet, went to the hardware store a few times, watered his grass, did his laundry...all those household chores.  I caught a glimpse of his everyday life and I was shocked how mature he was and being the same age as ManFriend how totally different his life is.  Over dinner we chatted about everything - goals, fears, travels and a little about past relationships.

We went back to his place and finally kissed and ended up in bed.  He was so tender and experienced.  It was really enjoyable and varied.  And then we did it again.  He played with my hair.  I ended up staying there, and he made sure that at all points of the night some part of his body touched mine; whether it was a finger, a hand, our feet or his arm on my body.  I was not used to that.  I don't sleep around and I don't do casual sex...and I didn't know if this was normal.  Does he do this all the time?  In the morning we did it again...he cooked me breakfast, then got right back to his household chores, even took out a stain in my shirt and before I left we had a quickie.  He drove me from the rental car place to the airport.  He opened doors and held my hand and made me feel special.  I didn't want to leave.

I spent 8 + 23 hours with him...and if he lived close, I would totally want to date him.  But he lives so far away...and he just started dating someone (I think only 3 dates or so) so it kinda sucks.  I am not sure if we had a real connection or if he is just smooth, but I left smiling and when he texted me to make sure I made it home safe, I smiled even more.

I'll see him again in November...but by then he might be in a relationship.

stay with a stranger

When I was in Indianapolis, I met this guy at a work reception.  Actually, he approached my group.  We chatted for only 5 minutes or so but the conversation led to an exchange in business cards at which time I looked at his and found out he lived where I will soon be vacationing.  I told him I'd email him closer to my vacation date.

As my trip plans started to solidify, I emailed him saying I'd be in his town these particular two nights, and if he still wanted to get together I gave my cell phone number and said I'd call that day.  He responded he'd love to get together, and if I'd like to save a few bucks I could stay at his house.

Yikes.

But then I remembered, I've offered out of towners to stay at my house if they are ever in the NYC area...totally innocent, like "I have a couch and am close to the train into NYC".

Why then did I worry that the invitation would imply sex?  Because it is reverse...men are always thinking about sex.  But that isn't a fair assumption.  And I do always think about rape and murder, I don't trust strangers immediately.

I haven't replied back to this man yet, but I am 90% thinking I'd get a hotel room.  I don't do casual sex and even though a one night stand is on my bucket/sex list...I know his last name so he isn't really a true one night stand (if it were even to get that far).