the 4400

Netflix recommended The 4400.  A sci-fi show that aired on USA from 2004 - 2007 and had 45 episodes.  As I started to watch and enjoy the show, I kept wondering....with only 4 seasons, would this wrap up nicely and leave me feeling satisfied?

The writer strike, budget problems and low viewers played a factor in this show being cancelled, perhaps without and ending.

The shows starts with the reappearance of 4,400 people all who vanished over decades who were brought back to save the future human population, with unique new abilities.  The early episodes revealed drama with these new powers and morphs into a fight for power between good versus evil. Eventually the promicin (what gives people the special powers) is available to anyone, with a 50/50 chance of developing abilities or dying, which causes a greater divide between the promicin positive vs nonpromicin people and the war for the future.

As I typed that last paragraph, I think, that would never be something I would watch.  I am not into the superheros or comics or special powers...but I enjoyed this.  I spent hours watching the show, getting involved in the characters all to wonder what will happened?

On my second to last episode, I googled the 4400 and came across a forum about what would have happened if the show continued, to find a book "The 4400: Welcome to Promise City" and "4400: Promises Broken" and hoped that would have answered my questions, many of the reviews said it would.

I looked to see if this was available at the library, both in paper or digital.  It was not.  And I really didn't want to spend $15 on a book that I would read once.  I am going to keep searching around for a better deal or wait for a sale, you know, since I am kind of broke.


Now, having finished the final episode, sure, I'd like to continue the story because it was enjoyable and there is always a need to know more, but I also feel that this last 43 minutes were quite telling and maybe a perfect ending to this sci-fi drama because in basic simpleness, you know, deep down what will happen.

Another good recommendation from Netflix.  I look forward to watching something else, but after at least a few days break!

Book Thoughts: The Cost of Hope: A Memoir

One of my goals this year was to read 10 nonfiction books.  I haven't really cared what topics the books were, but hoped for some variation in my reading.  Choosing the books has been relatively simple. I'd log into the library website, clicked nonfiction and sorted by what is available right now electronically.  I came across Amanda Bennett - The Cost of Hope: A Memoir and began reading.

This book was probably the wrong choice for me, but why I selected it among others that were available is because I was curious about the cost of hope with her husband's cancer.  The story is told from when they met through a little after his death.

I shed less tears than I thought I would, with cancer being a topic I've thought a lot about over the last four months.  Reading about the treatments, the doctors, the cost, the downward fall, the remission, adjusting to new routines, clinical trials, insurance, working, the family, hospice...I couldn't not help but wonder about ManFriend and my aunt especially, but even a past co-worker and my godfather.

I didn't love the style of writing.  She would tell a story then do flashbacks or fastforwards and at times it was confusing (which is surprising because normally I love that style) because it happened so frequently.  But the overall story was a quick read and I 'enjoyed' (for lack of a better word as I type this) reading about cancer from someone who had way more at stake.  It helped me understand what my aunt and uncle are currently going through, and I thought a lot about the past people I've known that had cancer and what their families went through, especially years ago when I didn't quite understand as much.

The one part of the book I was not thrilled about was in the afterward.  After the story, we tend to be curious, we want to know where the people are now.  I would have been happy with knowing what the total cost of care was, more facts about insurance, treatments, the 'interviews' after the fact, realizations that you didn't think of in the moment but realized in hindsight.  She touched a little on that, but also included that she is happy and has moved on, I felt like that should have been left out.  240 pages were about the husband and how they had a rocky relationship to start that turned into respect, devotion and passion for over 20 years.  I am all for moving on, healing, having someone by your side, but I just spent 240 pages reading about how much you loved this guy and what you did to try to save him.  Seemed a little out of place.

Gone Girl Review

Considering how many books I read, I don't really write about many of them.  I just finished Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

This book sucked me right in, and I finished it in about 3 days (6 30 minute commutes, and an occasional lunch).  It was by no means an amazing book filled with lots of thought and intrigue, but what I liked about it was about a couple, their problems, revenge, and a little craziness.

The below will spoil the book for you if you have not read it.

Right away, page 29 "They're baffled by my singleness.  A smart, pretty, nice girl, like me, a girl with so many interests and enthusiasms, a cool job (this I don't have), a loving family."  This is me...why would I not want to read on? She caught my attention, I am Amy.

The story rotates each chapter between Amy and her husband, Nick.  I love stories that rotate like this, it keeps my interested and makes me read faster.

So how the story goes is that the first chapter opens up with Nick...on the day of.  I wondered, on the day of what? but that soon becomes apparent - Amy is missing and it also happens to be their 5th wedding anniversary.  The Nick chapters tell you about the investigation and the progress of the days Amy is missing, it is 'current' day, and sheds a lot of light on what Amy is like, and a bit about Nick too.  The Amy chapters are diary entries  over the last few years, and explain about their relationship, which sheds a lot of light on Nick.  As the reader starts to figure out which of these two people they can relate more too...part 2 comes.

Part 2 starts a few twists.  First, an affair...not really a surprise if you read part one, it was clear this is where it was leading.  And then you get into a new twist on the rotating stories.  In part 1, you started to feel really bad for Amy, based on the story she was telling in the diary, and based on some of the things Nick said in his part, but in part 2, this flips around.  The twist? Amy planted the whole thing - although if you read as much as me, you knew this was coming from super early on in the book.  Amy starts to explain a whole other side of their relationship...one that she is portrayed as psychotic.  Things are revealed about Nick that makes you wonder how he put up with this for so long.

Part 3 Amy comes home and continues to manipulate Nick.

So, what did I like about this book?   First, what kind of woman wouldn't want to get revenge?  Second, Amy's stories about her feelings about the husband reminded me all to much of SI.  She nailed some of the thoughts, even if they were fabricated to set him up.  Examples include how you can love someone so much but yet fear them; constantly wondering if today was the day he was going to snap and kill you; the emotional abuse; the exhaustion of knowing the person you share a house/bed with hates you; the amazement of the mistress being your opposite; realizing how stupid you seemed in the eyes of the man that you love - when he knows how he can play you and manipulate you and therefore looses all respect for you; trying so hard keeping something to work; and giving up a lot for the other person.

I can't say that when I found out about the deceit  I didn't think the things Amy did.  How amazing would it have been to set him up for something - I mean, I wouldn't fake my own death, but wouldn't i like to see him suffer?  Of course.  Amy, unfortunately, was a little crazy, but that is what I loved  - she planned and thought of everything to set him up and hurt him back.  It was genius and psychotic but there is no doubt I had a little respect.  [don't judge me, whenever I hear of any spectacular crime, don't we always say WOW at some point after we shake our heads in disbelief].

So there it is, a very incoherent babbling about a recent book I read.  I have to remember if I do this again, to jot down notes or write the blog posts in parts as I read the book.

50 Shades of Crap

A few months ago, a bookclub friend told us about this steamy book she was reading - 50 Shades of Grey.  While we decided not to read it as a bookclub book, we all were going to read it anyway.  Soon after she mentioned the book, I started to hear about it everywhere - the news, other people, store windows, facebook. I read the trilogy last month (not having a computer is making blogging more slow - so my review will not be as comprehensive as it could have been right after I read the books). 

After reading the series, I began to talk about it because I had issues with it.  I was the only one out of the few friends I know that had negative things to say.  People were shocked that I didn't love it.  I'll tell you why.  Here are my top three reasons:

1.  The writing was atrocious.  It read like an 8th grade paper, which is great for all those people who stopped reading after school, and finally picked up a book again because of all the hype.  On top of the lousy writing, it was way to repetitive.  I understand the writer wanted to highlight certain terms or whatever - but reading it over and over and over and over and over was really annoying and distracting.  Am I being too harsh? No, just because I read close to a book a week - I want MORE out of my book.  There are other books out there about sex, love, overcoming issues, etc.  So why was this one so popular? I am struggling to understand. 

2.  The sexiness.  I found that many young people and very naive people enjoyed this part immensely.  I am not saying I am very experienced - but I have experimented a little bit and I have about 14 years of sexual experience.  I found it to be a bit unrealistic in (many) parts and the WOW factor of the toys was not that shocking to me.  I found that I was skimming through the sex scenes because they were not that enjoyable for me. 

However, as I was reading it, I could understand why so many people would want more out of their relationships...desire is important (I wrote a post about that months ago).  I have no doubt that this will put into people's heads they are not happy in their relationship and start cheating or getting divorced, only to not find what they imagine could happen (remember, this is a fictional book).  Sure, there are a few lucky few that have that passion and steam, but a majority of our population will not have that indefinitely.  And for goodness sake - don't wait until you read a book to create steam in your relationship...do that for yourself anytime.  I struggle to wonder how I am single, when I seem to be the only person who understands what it takes to want/have a very healthy sex life on top of a great relationship  (it is not impossible).

3.  The story, while not the best, I kept reading. I wanted to finish the series, I wanted to know if it got better and I wanted to be able to talk about the book to other people.  After all, I read all the Harry Potters, Twilight & Hunger Games. It is hard not to read a full series, I need closure.  I enjoyed book 3 the most because they had a that little bit of action in there.

So there it is.  I did not enjoy the books that much.

Love lessons from Ernest Hemingway

I just finished The Paris Wife by Paula McLain.  As I neared the end of this historical fiction book about Ernest Hemingway and Hadley Richardson, I found it hit so close to home.

If you wanted to read this book and don't know about Ernest Hemingway, then stop reading because I am going to reveal the jist of the book.

Essentially Ernest married Hadley, who was about 7 years older than him. They fall in love and get married. They move to Paris and start a wonderful life of sex, drinking, traveling and some writing. People think they are the perfect couple, and from the wife's point of view, it does seem wonderful. They have a child and things are still OK. On a side topic, I would like to point out that during this time, it seems wonderful - they are broke, but yet they find ways to vacation for weeks or months at a time. They have a nanny for the child and they continue to party and travel without the child. I want that. Anyway, at some point, Ernest falls in love with Hadley's very good friend and begins an affair. Of course the wife doesn't realize this for months, but after it is revealed, and she confronts him...he basically blames her. Wow, talk about hitting home, didn't SI do the same exact thing to me? What is it with men who cheat who displace the fault and blame the 'victim' because she exposed the truth.

 I copied the picture on the left for the following excerpt "His silence was as much as an admission that he was in love with her, but somehow he'd turned it all back on me so the affair wasn't the worst thing, but that I'd had the ...bad taste to mention it".  This sentence captures such an unspoken commonality between women that get cheated on, cheaters have this amazing ability to twist things around and blame the other person for their behaviors.  When I found out about SI and I confronted him and his family, it was way 'worse' that I told the truth about what he did and he could never forgive me or trust me again...but that cheating on me for 3 years was just a speckle of something that happened. What I did, he claimed was worse and unforgivable.  Reading this really hit home. 

On top of that, Ernest thinks he is allowed to have everything he wants (sound familiar SI?) and wants to establish a relationship with both women and have the mistress vacation with them and they eat their meals together, and it is just way to strange. How can a relationship like that really work out? It can't. The pain Hadley goes through because she loves Ernest and doesn't want to let go of him, what she is willing to endure, the pain she feels, to me, it is so familiar. Her eventual decision takes courage but will lead to happiness.

The next picture continues from above and basically just says the same thing "play the victim if you want, but no one's a victim here. You should have kept your goddammed mouth shut. Now it's all shot to hell." Here Ernest is telling Hadley that she is just as much to blame because now he can't have both women, and something needed to change. He couldn't think of letting his mistress go and he didn't want to give up his wife, but Hadley wasn't going to go along with the 'let's all live together and be happy' idea.   This also is familiar from my relationship with SI.  At the time of the breakup I was so devastated that I couldn't think about loosing him to someone else, I did wonder if we all could live together, just so I wouldn't be alone, but that would never have worked for me because I am jealous and I would not have liked it when he was having his 'visits' with her in the next room.  Who would be able to tolerate that? I do not know how the polygamist wives do it, I give them credit.  I don't want to share my man.

Ernest gets what he wants, but it is temporary...he ends up marring I think they said 4 times and then commits suicide. He calls Hadley many years later to talk about their time together and he finally admits that he made a mistake, that it was among the best time of his life.

So, SI wherever you are, you behaved the same way as Ernest Hemingway. I haven't found a love to replace you yet, but I will, eventually. And I really hope that your relationships are not fulfilling, that you are missing something and that you occasionally look back at what you did to me as a regret.  I hope I hear from you in the future when you are near your breaking point, and honestly and truly apologize to me. 

Mad love within Cutting for Stone

I believe in fate...but I've always worried that when fate kicks in somehow I'd get screwed.  Kind of like Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" lyrics.  I worry that when I finally find love something will go wrong & I'll only experience it for a short amount of time.  A tease.

I just finished reading Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.  I enjoyed this 600+ page book.  SPOILER ALERT for anyone planning on reading it.  It took me a while to get past page 10, but once I did, the book was well written and kept me going with new things happening over the course of some one's life.  While there are many things that I can talk about, the story has so many layers of interesting things - I am choosing to write about the main character's love for a girl - since that is something I can relate to.

Growing up, Marion loves Genet - a neighbor who at times is more like a sister - and expected to marry her and love her forever.  As they reach adolescence, Genet becomes more curious about sex and wants to loose her virginity but Marion says not until they are married (what a gentleman!).  So what does Genet do?  She sleeps with Marion's twin brother!  A few other things happen...Genet screws Marion over again.  All this while Marion has a love-hate feelings for Genet (and his brother).  When she shows up at his door much later on - what happens? He takes her in - he finally has sex with her - in a demeaning kind of way at first (also looses his virginity to her - as he always promised). She stays for 3 days I think and leaves.  Six weeks later Marion is close to death from Hepatitis B that he contracted from Genet.  On his death bed, his twin who he still had ill feelings towards decides to help save Marion by offering part of his liver - it works, it saves Marion, but a week later his twin died.

Marion was a stand-up man and had a lot going for him.  He feel in love with the wrong girl that ultimately affected the rest of his life.  Just as something good happened, something bad also happened.  You sit there reading wondering if Marion can overcome these hurdles.  Why is fate so crazy?  

I was able to relate to having the love of your life show up and not knowing what to do (not that it has happened, but it is one of those things you always think about).  After so much time has past - do you forgive them or continue to harbour ill feelings?  Marion handled it close to what I would have done, no doubt about that.  When someone you once loved comes to you in need - you help them regardless.  Towards the end of the book Marion said "I wasn't angry with Genet.  She was consistent, if nothing else.  I was angry with myself because I always loved her, or at least I loved that dream of our togetherness.  My feelings were unreasonable, irrational and I couldn't change them. That hurt."

How perfect is that statement? That summarizes everything I have thought about SI.  I have felt that people don't understand my way of thinking or understand the kind of hurt.  While this is a work of fiction - I feel that Abraham Verghese was able to capture that emotion that I can relate to while so many others have not.  To me SI wasn't just some chap I dated; but to find the words, if any exist, to convey my feelings is difficult. 

Review: B&N Nook

I bought a refurbished Nook about three months ago, but I didn't use it until the beginning of June when there was no way I would have been able to pack 2 or 3 books for my 11 day trip.  I quickly figured out how to buy a book on the nook from the Barnes & Noble website.  Opening a book was easy, as was changing the font, book marking, all of that.

Unfortunately, I am not rich, so I needed to also take advantage of my library's e-book collection where you can borrow a book for 7 or 14 days.  I used OverDrive and took their tutorial, which seemed straightforward. I was quickly able to browse, download the adobe software, and rent a book using my library card.  My problem was to figure out how to sync the nook.  I tried a few different things, but I couldn't find the file on my nook, even though I knew it was there somewhere.  My co-worker was the one who solved my problem the day before my trip...talk about cutting it close.  If you download a book that is not from Barnes & Noble, it is kept in the "My Documents" folder, not in "My B&N Library".  Which totally makes sense, but I didn't realize that there was a my documents folder.  Anyway, hopefully that will help all of  you.

I was excited to finally try my nook.  Unfortunately on the plane, you can not use it for the first and last twenty minutes for take off and landing.  When I was able to power up, I liked that my 'book' was light and easy to hold.  I bought a cover that folded over easily.  At first I didn't think I would use the buttons on the left side - since I am a righty....but I realized depending on how I was sitting it was just as easy to flip the page with my left hand.   I also was initially distracted by the flashing screen when the page turned. It would 'blink' black before the background turned white...but after a while you get used to that too and it wasn't much of a distraction.

Having borrowed books, I was confused by the page numbering system since it seemed like the page numbers changed every 2-3 pages, but I think that is just because the file was to be read on a computer, so with the smaller screen, it didn't adjust the page number based on the screen size.  Even though that was odd, it didn't throw me off too much, they have a line at the bottom with your reading progress and does it really matter what page you are on?  I haven't read a B&N book yet, but I am sure that the page number issue will not be there.

The hardest thing was at times when I was getting tired of reading, I would have liked to know when the chapter ended.  I like to finish a chapter when I can instead just randomly on any page.  I could have pushed the button a few times to see what was ahead, but I didn't, something like that is just easier with a real book.  My friend has the Kindle and she said that the bottom bar did mark chapters...the Nook might too on a B&N bought book, but again, since I haven't opened one of those yet...I am not sure. I didn't have that on the last two books I read on the Nook. 

I finished my book and I had another loaded...so I was able to jump right into another one without having to find it or if I realized one book was too boring to read, there were other options.  Very convenient.

My Nook also has 3G wireless.  I didn't really think I would use that for anything other than buying books, but I was wrong.  While I travelled, and I had Internet access in my hotel room, I was able to log into my FaceBook account, my email, or to read other websites.  Sure, surfing the web is not ideal on a small device and at times I found that the keyboard was difficult to use when buttons I pushed didn't get recognized or the space button didn't leave a space, but I am sure it just takes time to get used to using a flat touchscreen.  I loved that it allowed me to connect to the world in small doses.

Overall I actually like the Nook a lot more than I thought I would.  I love that it is small and light...taking up less room in my bag.  I love that the cover I selected has a pocket.  For my book club, the book selected is not available on OverDrive..and I am not about to spend $15 on a book I might not enjoy...so borrowing from the library is still an option, but if I can do 80% of my reading on the Nook, then I would be very happy. 

Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

I read a lot but I can't say that any one book has really shocked me enough to change my views.  So, I am going to instead tell you about a book I read that brought something to my attention.

Twelve and a half years ago my sister had a baby boy -  I was about 19 years old.  Being an aunt at 19 was great, I was young enough to still be a kid, but old enough to do things for myself.  I didn't understand the complexities of a parents love, I knew I loved my parents - or at least what I thought love was.

I enjoyed reading to the baby, and one of the books my sister had in her collection was Love You Forever by Robert Munsch and Sheila McGraw.  Unbeknownst to me, I picked it up and started reading, but the book really hit me and I started crying.  Sure, laugh all you want being its a children's book (doesn't the giving tree make you shed some tears too?) but this book touches upon a mother's love for her child and really touched me. 

It was like all of a sudden, something clicked inside of me.  I am my mother's daughter, she loves me and would do anything for me.  I started viewing my parents differently - perhaps most people start doing that when they have their own children.  Then it gets you thinking about what you would do for your own parents and it is probably around the same time that I realized my parents will die at some point - and that fear started setting in.  I can't not articulate what exactly changed, but it was enough that I started appreciating my parents, tried to not take advantage of them, respect them more, and want to be like them when I had children.  I have really enjoyed the time I spent with my parents over the last few years - and I do think this book helped open my eyes to understand how much someone can love another.  I am aware that many people do not have this kind of family love - but growing up my family did, and still does. 

Now, twelve plus years later, I have read this book more than once and to each of my nieces and nephews and I've purchased this book as a gift for friends that have a baby-  hoping they will enjoy it as much as I did.

Book Review: "Dare to Forgive" by Edward Hallowell, MD

source

Edward Hallowell, MD wrote "Dare to Forgive" in very basic terminology and used scenarios we can relate to.  Over the last few months I have been struggling with guilt, forgiveness and moving on.  Even though I followed the basic steps, I needed more.  I yearned to find out more about forgiveness and how I can actually forgive and not just think it.  There had to be something else I could do.  Right way, upon reading chapter 2, I knew this book would be helpful.  And Hallowell is upright and tells you it might not be easy.



Part One: What is forgiveness?

Not forgiving takes a toll on us; we are less happy, sleep bad, sad, loss of sex drive, headaches/pains, higher stress which can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure, etc.  Forgiving is necessary, not for them, for us.  So what is forgiveness? Isn't that we all think about at some point in our lives?  It could be something small or something big but no matter, forgiveness starts from enduring pain.

Hallowell talks about revenge, and how revenge is a natural first reaction to what has happened, but he strongly urges everyone to take a step back and not act on that feeling.  Revenge is temporary happiness.  You think up a 'plan' and act it out, but it is addicting and you may want more.  Revenge makes it worse for us, not just because you feel better after (because you generally don't. In fact, sometimes you want more) but because it could result in doing things you will regret and you could end up dead or in jail. 



Forgiveness does NOT mean you condone the other persons actions, want them to do it again, or even that you will forget what happens. Page 25 Hallowell finally gives us a definition.  Forgive, as defined by My American Heritage College Dictionary is "to renounce anger or resentment against".  So to forgive, we have to reject that anger.  This definition is important in forgiveness because it allows us to still feel, but to disown those feelings.

In the forgiveness is brave chapter, it really hit home for me when Hallowell says what I know "When you hate, you are the person who gets hurt" (pg 55) and of course "But if you do not learn to forgive and grieve, you are the one who will pay" so it is important to let go.  The more time that goes by, the more cynical, more irritable, more depressed and more angry you will be.  The first step in forgiveness is wanting to forgive.



Part Two: How to Forgive?

Forgiving yourself has its own chapter, and for good reasons.  Forgiving yourself is very important (and I mentioned this in a blog post of mine at least one or two times). Forgiving yourself is the hardest.  You can fool yourself into forgiving others (which of course isn't recommended) but you can't fool yourself.  If you are like me, you have conversations in your head and all those secret thoughts.  You know how miserable you are regardless of the front you can put up.  So to forgive yourself is necessary to forgive others (see my forgiving posts for more information on how) and it is a hard process since forgiveness is usually an interactive process (pg 118).  Hallowell suggests that talking to someone is necessary, whether you inflicted the pain or not.

How not to take it personal is another important chapter.  I think many times we forget that most often it isn't personal.  Hallowell gives a lot of examples we can relate to. 



A lover's quarrel had a paragraph that really hit home.  It was about when your partner acts out and says horrible things to you and pushes you away.  And you don't know why.  Well, here is the shocker - that person is horrible to you because they want you to feel how they are feeling and they don't know how else to do it (page 143-44).  I never made that connection but I am really glad this book has brought it to my attention. 



Forgiving your ex - This was a very important chapter for me.  Holding onto the love and the hurt are things we do to keep them around (even if it is in our head).  But we need to cease to live under their rule.  I won't necessarily say that we are playing to win, but what I have realized is that the wrong-doer 'wins' when you are hung up on them whether in love or hate he has that control over your life, and you need to let that go.  You need to 'win' and take control and not let it bother you...and then you will be happy.

Forgiving those who hurt us...and who won't apologize - This chapter was helpful for two reasons. One, there is a lot of truth behind it...many people won't apologize for their actions and it eats away at you. Two, it puts it into perspective and helps you find ways to lessen the hurt if full forgiveness isn't possible.

What to do when forgiveness just won't come - I loved this chapter because it really resonated with me and what I am going through. I have tried to forgive a lot, but it is still there that "hook" is still in me. 

The chapter "The Fear of Loss of Control" stated "forgiveness is so hard because it represents giving up on the wish that the past will be different....As long as you are hoping the past will change, you can be angry that it hasn't' (pg 221).  We all want control of things - and when something is out of our control we get upset to say the least. 


Overall I liked this book, it really helped me understand other aspects of forgiveness and it reassured me that the steps I have taken are good, but more still needs to be done.  I am walking away not only with that knowledge, but also with insight into the future.  There will be many times in the future where something will bother me, and knowing how to prevent that anger from getting so full force will benefit me in so many ways.  Currently, almost daily I am annoyed by people and their actions.  Sometimes I have let them get the better of me and I carry that annoyance for a day or so making everything on top of it seem like a bigger deal than it is.  Hopefully now I can take things with a grain of salt - that I can try not to let it infuriate me when people cut me off in traffic, yell at me at work, etc.  I am realizing that people's bad actions are because they are not secure enough in themselves.  They have issues, but I have control of mine, and I don't want the burden of that.  If I can lower (because realistically, eliminating seems impossible at this time) the instances where I get so worked up that I get hurt or where I can forgive people faster then I come out of it on top.
"Reaching forgiveness takes guts" (pg 15) and not everyone is capable of being strong enough, having the self-discipline, the courage or is brave enough to do so.  The person who hurts you is cowardly, in the sense that they could have prevented the hurt if they were honest and forthright.  They have more issues than you...and when you are truly hurt, it is a sign that you have decent morals because the pain caused is never something you can understand because it would never cross your mind to do so.  But Hallowell thinks if we can try to understand what led the other person to cause you pain, you will be able to forgive, and this is where I get stuck and where I realize I must work on this to complete the forgiveness process.

I think anyone who is angry or has been hurt and it has been going on for a while, should read this book.  You are not alone, and reading some of the stories within the book that you can relate to do help, even if in a small way.  I will be recommending this book to one of my sisters, and I just gave it to a co-worker.

One Day

I just finished "One Day" by David Nicholls.  This is sorta of a review of the book but also my feelings about the book and MY life, but if you plan on reading the book, do not read my post.  SPOILER ALERT.

I can't say I really liked the book.  Essentially it is about this guy Dexter and this girl Emma who had this amazing night on graduation night.  Each chapter of the book reflects on them a year later on that same day July 15 1988 - 2007.  Emma is completely smitten with Dex.  Dex likes Emma but well, he is a bit of a partier/player.  Emma and Dex's relationship goes all over the place from distant to best friends to periods of their lives they do not speak.  Emma is outspoken, sweet, and beautiful in a plain way.  Dex is outgoing, cocky, obnoxious, extremely good looking and drunk for most of his life.

As their lives go from their late teens to twenties, you know that Emma is madly in love with Dex but she can't do anything about it.  She stands by and watches him in all his relationships with jealousy.  She dates this guy Ian for a few years - Ian is a complete loser comedian and you wonder why on Earth she would date a guy like that.  But then she comes to her senses and ends that relationship when he wants to marry her.  She then has an affair with her married boss that lasts a year or so which ends with her quitting her job.  She finally meets someone in Paris that she really likes.  And what happens? Dex gets divorced and comes to visit and they get together in their early or mid-thirties. 

Dexter, leading up to this point was a TV celebrity and had a few serious girlfriends that he took advantage of.  I doubt he ever loved any of his girlfriends but was more attracted to the physical aspect of it all.  He finds someone different, someone who is not a celebrity and gets her pregnant after dating about 2 years.  He looses his TV job.  They wed. They are married for a year and a half and his wife cheats on him with his college roommate.   By this point Dex realizes that he could be content being in a monogamous relationship and becoming a good father.

So Dex and Em finally end up together. Both are very happy.  They date two years, get married and try to have a child, with no luck.  Then, on the day they are looking for a house, she gets ran over on her bike and dies. 

If I didn't love the book, why am I blogging about it? I have read so many books and few I blog about.  Well, I'll tell you.  I fear I am an Emma.  I am mostly quiet and reserved with new people.  People tell me I am pretty, but I don't see it.  I had a love (although more than a day) that was lost but still remained in contact with.  For a while even secretly hoped that I would still be with.  Dated a few HORRIBLE guys...although I would never date a guy for a year or two that wasn't worthy, so unlike Emma, I didn't have these other long relationships.  But I did end up very casually and rarely seeing a married man - who was once MY ex (but in my defense married the girl he cheated on me with 11 years ago).  Anyway, I was never in love with him and it was purely recreational the less than 5 times we hung out.  So while cheating, it was not an affair.  Anyway. I am worried that by the time I finally get my stuff together and find someone I actually like either 1) SI will vie for my love and I will be torn between not knowing what to do or who to choose  or 2) something happens (like I die) and not get to enjoy my time finally happy.  Ironic yes. 

At the end (or really 3 chapters before the end) you ask yourself why did Emma have to die?  Why not Dex?  Emma was the sweet girl and you are so happy for her finally.  Whereas Dex you think, wow he really lucked out that get got Emma. And you even think Dex didn't deserve her.  He was a miserable person throughout his life.  So did the writer kill Emma because he knew that Dex would have been heartbroken forever or that perhaps to say 'see asshole, you waited so long for her you don't deserve to be happy' or perhaps he knew that Emma might not have been able to move past Dex if he were killed...given her past relationships. 

It was an entertaining enough book if you enjoy how relationship evolve.  Many books I read are in the short term and most of the time, they life 'happily ever after' but you wonder if they really do.  Having a change to see where the characters are over twenty years is slightly refreshing to find out how people build their lives.

I ruined a library book

I read a lot. I order my books online and pick them up from the library. Usually I am carrying 3-5 books out at a time. Add that to the ones I already have, and reading them all is a slim possibility. Recently I picked up a few books and left one in my bathroom which I never opened. The next day, I went into the bathroom to find out that my sink was dripping all night and I had a HUGE leak/overflow that saturated the book. The cover came off. The book took days to dry, and the pages got all wrinkly. I put the book under other heavy books I had, hoping they would flatten.

They didn't. So, today, I go to the library to drop off the other books and tell them I had ruined the book and need to replace it. $21.99 for

I didn't give it back to the library clerk, I figured, if I was paying to replace it, I was keeping the book! And I was OK paying for it since 1) I am the libraries best customer (I think) 2) even though I am always paying late fees, they are like 10 - 30 cents... and 3) I can even take out a movie for a whole week saving me lots of money. So $22 for everything I have taken out over the last 2 years since I lived in this town is well worth it.

I look forward to reading this book at a very leisurely rate.

Book Review: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough

A friend strongly recommended I read this book. So I got it out from the library and began reading. I was very turned off in the first chapter how the author goes over "how did we get here?" here of course being old and still single. She really focuses on how women are too picky and because of that are still single, and may never get married if we don't change. So, while this does make 100% perfect sense, I felt like I was left out...and all the other now single women who were NOT picky in their 20s but ended up single because their partner had lied, cheated, and whatever else and even though you maybe would want them back, everyone in the world knew that it would be the worst thing for you. We didn't think we'd be single and we didn't believe there was someone better out there. We were ready. I had my four years in a relationship and I wanted to last forever. But then I had four more years wasted in waiting for him to 'fix it' - I was left single.

It took a while to develop the reason to want to pick up the book and begin reading again. But I eventually did. Chapter two I was able to relate to more. When I was younger, like in high school or early college, I thought about checklists. But I didn't really use it. And later, I ended up dating someone who would never have been my type, but that I loved more than anything and even to this day, I look at this average not good looking guy and melt. I too thought about a matchmaker and the 'wants' versus the 'why'. Later on, it really hits home that I need to change. the, 'It's not him, it's you' section was an eye opener - but I also felt like, I've tried that, but it is a good reminder. I think I've only taken little steps and should take a bigger leap.

I kept reading. Chapter 3 Making Smarter Choices bothered me a little that so many women are like this (this picky)...but at least they seem to have an easy time finding dates. And this is where I think I realized...I won't have a problem finding love and being happy IF I CAN GET A DATE. I know enough to not be overly picky, but somethings are deal breakers. But I am willing to be more (yes, I have room to grow) open...I have even mentioned that in past posts and by trying something new. I had a hard time with all the online dating stories in the book.]

Once I got to part four, I was reading faster. "what really matters?" There have been a few times I have referred to love and marriage like a business, and I was happy to see that in this book. Four years ago, I was trying to convince SI that we made a perfect 'team' and balanced each other enough to make it run smoothly at home. I've also talked about arranged marriages - and how I am intrigued by how well they work. The book shed some light into why, and again, all the things I have spoken about are on par with the book. A good sign?

The 'business' end, of our (SI) relationship was perfect. I was fully adjusted knowing he was not the most attractive guy for me, or that it bugged me his socks were all over the house, but those weren't things that I would ever consider breaking up over. He had a lot of faults that I didn't like, but at no time would I have ever considered them deal breakers, but as it turns out, he essentially did. If he was annoyed by something I did, instead of telling me, he just went out and found my opposite and dated her also.

The idea of having someone who is good enough, is not settling, and I never believed it was. On the day I finished the book I was wearing a pink top - and the author writes, "hey you, in the pink shirt"... and I was like, yea, I'll take some of what you said and apply it to my life. This book, while written to scare women into changing, helped me realize that a lot of my ideals will eventually be correct. I am a lot more optimistic knowing that my philosophies on some areas are what many people would agree to and I was super happy to learn that kindness was the top trait (which is me).

I might not date a lot, but I know that once I find someone with the same set of values and my top three 'wants' I will be happy.

If you are young I think you should read this book. If you make lists of what you think your ideal mate should be like, I think you should read this book. If you are unhappy in your marriage, I think you should read this book. And if you are a serial dater - you should read this book.

Book Review: Tatiana De Rosnay - Sarah's Key

I saw Sarah's Key by Tatiana De Rosnay book on the Barnes & Noble website numerous times. The cover made me click to read about the book (who says not to judge a book by its cover?). Part of the book is set in WW2 in Paris and the other half is 2002 Paris. Each time, I thought, this book sounds too serious for right now, and I wouldn't add it to my library list.

At my last book club, my friend mentioned she just read this book and really enjoyed it. I said, oh yes, I liked the cover and wanted to read but was afraid it was too serious for my current mood. She let me borrow it from her. A few days later I finished my book and didn't get around to going to the library to pick up my other books on hold, so I grabbed this book before I walked out the door.

The book itself was easy language, easy to follow/understand. It was a historical fictional story about true events, which was quite sad. But I flew through the book in 3 train rides. I really enjoyed the two different stories that eventually come together at the end. It made you want to keep reading to find out what happened.

Sarah was a ten year old Jewish girl when her family was arrested in Paris during the Vel' d Hiv' roundup. I really enjoyed the story from the 10 year old's perspective; such an innocent and naive narrative. In 2002, Julia, an American journalist in Paris is writing a story about the 60th anniversary of the Vel' d Hiv' roundup. Astonishingly, Julia discovers many Parisians have no idea about the Roundup or don't want to admit to knowing anything. Little by little details emerge and Julia is obsessed about finding as much as she can about Sarah and her family and in turn, re-evaluates her life.

As soon as I finished this book I called my sister and told her she had to read it - she finished it in one day and called me to tell me she cried the whole way through. That surprised me, since I am the emotional wreck, and I did not cry - I thought I might at one point, but I didn't. It was one of the best books I have read this year. I never heard of this tragic event and it touched my heart that such horrible things happened and the struggles so many people had to endure. I highly recommend this book.

I love reading but I can't support my habit by buying all the books, since I can go through over 40 a year. I don't understand why more people don't use their local libraries, my library card is the most used card on my key chain. Not only can you go into the library and browse the shelves, but you can order the books online. For those of you that are computer savvy or don't understand the dewy decimal system, holding books online is a no brainer. I am lucky that I live in a populated area that gets along well with our fellow towns in the county - that our libraries are all part of one...so there may be times the books are sent from our neighbors town and I pick up from my 'home' location. Not only can you do this with books, but with DVDs...I even cancelled my netflix subscription when I realized that I can get it from the library for free. So while I don't understand why more people don't utilize this town service, I am happy that I our wait lists aren't too long.