Canyoneering Morning Glory / Ephedra's Grotto

I was in Moab for a day back in 2008 and with this trip, I wanted to be sure that I experienced something different, especially if I was taking a solo trip.  I signed up with Red River Adventures to canyoneering/hiking Morning Glory / Ephedra's Grotto, the thought of rappelling kinda scared me, I did indoor rock climbing once about five years ago, and the first climb and rappel were scary, but I got used to it by the end, I was hoping that little bit of experience would help me with this, since instead of climbing up a wall, you are going down it, a lot less work.   But, naturally, I still panicked.

The first rappel - 85 feet

We start the hike by going over petrified sand dunes to get to our first of the two rappels was.  The first was a 90 foot drop through a classic water carved chamber that was quite narrow towards the top before opening up at the bottom.  Our tour guide set up all the ropes and attached himself so he could belay us from above.  He went over how to 'brake' by the position of our hands and the rope and ideally how to go down smoothly.   Walking backwards over the cliff is slightly terrifying at first.  I didn't look down, just straight ahead at my feet against the wall.  I kept taking deep breaths while slowly moving the rope through my hands to slowly decent and next thing I knew, I was on the ground.  Hands shaking a bit, but I was so proud of myself and was really glad I signed up for this excursion.

We exit this area through a small slot and need to scramble through rocks to get to a more open area.  Here our guide went to set up for rappel number two and we had a moment to explore a grotto.

Second rappel, 120 feet mostly free hanging

The second rappel was next to Morning Glory Bridge (243 feet span) and was a 120 foot drop down, with about 20 feet at the top to walk down and the rest was a free hanging drop.  Our ropes were attached to a stone pile and a tree, not anchored into the wall like the first.  Going over the side, I slipped and dangled until I was able to readjust my feet against the wall.  This area was more open and having just did the first one, I was slightly more comfortable, but yet a little worried what the free hanging part was going to be like.  Within moments the wall slipped back and very slowly I maneuvered down.  Sadly, I didn't really take the time to enjoy the view behind me, which many say is pretty, but focused on the fear and adrenaline and my accomplishment of having done this.  Since I was the first one down, I played photographer for the rest of our group and helped them release their ropes when they got to the bottom.

The hike out was on the Negro Bills Trail, which was about 2 miles crossing over, several times, a small stream with cottonwoods and willow trees and next to sandstone cliffs. Our guide pointed out where the poison ivy was, rock formations, soils, erosion, and other interesting information along the way.

I am so glad I tried this.  Would I do it again?  Yeah, I would...but I would want to go indoor rock climbing prior to get 'ready' so I could enjoy the views more next time around.

The day I realized I was turning into my parent

How did you react the day you realized you were turning into your parent? 

I had a very happy childhood, no complaints.  I think my parents did a wonderful job raising their family...then and now.  We are still all very close, we get along well and there have not been any major issues with any of us.  Whatever their parenting skills are, for the most part they got it right and I aspire to raise my children half as well as they have raised theirs.

Speaking of children, people say that they are turning into their mother or father - because of something they do or say to their children that their parents said/did to them.

I do not have children and I am afraid I am already turning into my mother.  When I said "afraid' it isn't because she is horrible...she is unbelievably nice and I wish to become more like her...but I am not ready for that.  When I lived with my parents last year, I realized that I get my compassion and ability to love from my mother.  Such very wonderful qualities.  I have been this way for a while, that I care so deeply for someone that I want to do whatever is in my power to make them happy.

where'd it go?

You know that I have a bug phobia.  My first morning in the apartment a centipede greeted me in the bathroom.  i did what I had to do, and I left the bathroom/apartment for the day because I had plans.  I knew full well leaving the bug alive it would either greet me somewhere else or not be seen for days/weeks if at all.

Two days pass without a sighting, then I spot it, dead up against the bedroom wall.  I know I didn't kill it, so I was hoping if my tenant had the exterminator spray, that maybe some of those chemicals were still working...but I am not sure if he ever had the exterminator over.  

I did't pick up the bug.  Instead, I left it there.  I have an issue with not only killing a bug, but also picking it up, knowing that it is in my hand or between my fingers in toilet paper....no thank you.  

Every day when I got home from work or when I woke up, I made sure that the bug was still there.  I watched the centipede change colors. It went from a brown-tan to something darker, to brown, to black.  It shriveled up.  It sort of looked like a small hairball.

When I woke up on day 7, the black pile of bug was gone.  I had the ceiling fan on so I wondered if it was blown slightly to the side.  I looked around. I was a little freaked out...walking slowly, looking around, waiting to be scared when it surprised me.  But it wasn't there.  It wasn't anywhere.  Where did it go?

My two theories are 1)  that in the heat, after 7 days it disintegrated.  Unlikely.  and 2) a bigger, stronger bug came and took it away.  Theory two seems more plausible and more scary for me.  Now I creep around the apartment on the lookout...where will this big bug be?  I hope he found his way back outside.

some of my fears

A fear is an irrational thought. But yet we have so many of them.  The only time we can come to grips with our fears is when we re in the situation and we end up thinking....well, that wasn't so bad, well most of the time.

There are also the fears of the unknown.  These I have been thinking about a lot and I stress over them often enough.  I know that if these items happen, it won't be as bad as I think, but until then, they are always on my mind.

I am going to share with you some of my fears about my life and about me.

I fear I'll be single, forever
I fear that when I finally get married, I won't be happy
I fear that I won't be able to get pregnant if/when the time comes
I fear that I won't like my child
I fear that I as much as I want a child, I really don't
I fear that I won't be able to support not only myself but this child I end up raising
I fear that I won't be able to balance working full time and being a single parent (hopefully I won't be a single parent)
I fear that I'll end up living close to my family because they can help me raise said child, but it is an un-affordable area, so I'll be struggling financially
I fear that I won't save enough money - for me and for any child I may have
I fear that I won't save enough money to travel more
I fear I'll live in a place I don't like because I can't afford anything else
I fear I won't have enough time to really help the child (school work, activities, good manners)
I fear I'll have one of those children I sneer at
I fear I'll have to work until I die
I fear getting old and helpless
I fear being a burden to whoever has to help me in my old age
I fear that my future husband won't find me attractive years after our marriage
I fear being cheated on...again
I fear people see me as being too sweet and won't take me serious when I am upset
I fear I'll never have a small group of girlfriend
I fear I will never belong
I fear I will continue to be seen as the outsider
I fear I will continue to go out of my way helping people and will never get the help or support when I need it

The biggest themes are money and love.  So, while I am unnecessarily stressing about these things. I am confident that things happen for a reason...and no matter what happens in my life, I will embrace it and do as much as I can with it.

The Girl Who Walked on Fire

I heard about this fire walking event which I wanted to do because it was on my bucket list...but it was about two hours away, and it was something 'scary' so I didn't want to go alone with all those other strangers.  September's Guy #3 said he'd go with me making it an interesting second date.

When we got there, the wooden structure was already assembled. But we were able to participate in every step after that.  First we used newspaper and stuffed crumbled pieces into the empty areas.  Then we all took turns putting oil on the paper and wood then we took newspaper torches and lit it on fire.

We had to wait two hours for the wood to burn down.  During this time we wrote our intentions card.  One side was symbolic of things we were going to walk towards [happiness, love/desire, no stress, husband/children] and the other side was symbolic of things I was walking away from [SI, insecurities, depression].  Then we put our cards into the fire and watched them burn.

Our fire walking instructor then had us walk across about 25 feet of first shells, then those brown things from trees and gravel. 

Next was stepping on Legos - which I rocked at - and a sheet of something that was sharper than nails/staples.  That part on only lasted on for a few seconds.

Then came walking 25 feet on glass. 

Finally, once all the adrenaline was running - it was time to walk on 1,000 - 2,000 degree fire for 25 feet.

  

So...did it hurt?  A little.  You definitely feel some heat.  The people talking pictures of me didn't really get me...so I did it a second time.  That picture also unsuccessful.  So...I tried one last time...with a super blurry picture and a dark video (thank goodness for our instructor who took awesome pictures!).  I walked 75 feet total on hot coals.

Once I was back in the car I started to feel tingling (normal once the adrenaline wears down) and realized I had 4 blisters.  Not too bad considering.

Another check off my bucket list.

30 things to do and not do for yourself

I came across these two articles and I just had to share them.  I see a life coach once a month to work on my goals, and I really enjoy it.  However I feel like I have been on a standstill forever.  I want change but I have not done anything to get there.  When I read the article it helped remind me of the much needed change I am craving and other reminders about living a better life.

The first article is 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  I am just going to highlight some of his 'things' and how it relates to me.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. - This is actually part of my 30 goals for my 30s.  Get rid of toxic relationships.  The wrong people bring you down and add un-needed stress.
2. Stop running from your problems. – That is all I have been doing for the last 5 years.  The good thing is I am not in denial anymore. Now is the time to start fixing them.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – Again, I pretend to be in denial, I hope things will get better...but until I stop lying to myself, I won't be happy.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – I don't have a family of my own yet, so I know this isn't out of control, but I do have instances where I put others above me and I need to remember that I deserve to be happy and fulfilled too. 
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – I am happy to report I think I have this under control :)
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.  I was finally able to let go of my past with SI and I really hope that soon things will start falling into place.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. –  I am very scared of leaping into what I want to do for fear it is the wrong choice, or that it won't work out.  I have to just trust my gut and hope that it does...and what is the worst thing that will happen if it doesn't? I'll figure it out. 
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – Yes, I hold on to things I've done wrong...I want to learn from them so maybe I won't make them again, but instead I tend to beat myself up over them. 
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – I think my credit card company will attest that I spend more than I should.  The good news is that this was my goal for this year. 
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – Funny, I just posted about this.  I do look to others for happiness since I am having trouble finding it on my own.  However, I know logically that I am responsible for my own happiness.  The author of the article tells us that we have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else - I need stability, I haven't had that in years.
11. Stop being idle. – I over think. It is what I do because I have way too much free time.  I also can't get to where I want to be if I only dream about it and not take action.  I need to work on this quick!
12.  Stop thinking you’re not ready. –  More reiteration here.  I am not ready for the changes I want, but I am not happy with where I am.  I have to take that leap out of my comfort zone.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – I think I am mostly OK here, see I was too scared to jump into a relationship after SI, so I haven't. Not one in the last 5+ years.  It is sad, but I know I needed time to heal, and I did.  I am probably going to be very hesitant with any new relationship because I will NEVER go through something so horrible again.  It isn't worth it.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – I am guilty of this.  I don't let guys get to far; I rule them out too soon.  
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Not regularly, but on occasion I look at someone and want what they have. I am certainly not trying to compete with them. 
16. Stop being jealous of others. – I do get jealous of what other people have.  My 'friends' who are married, have children, travel a lot, etc.  I wonder how they got so lucky to succeed in all the areas I fail at.  But once in a while, I try to think of what they think of me...I am the non-attached one. I am getting sleep at night and not fighting with a husband or dealing with contractors.  I am more 'carefree' in their eyes.  And while I don't think it is anything to be jealous of, they do.  The grass is always greener on the other side right?
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – I need to do this.  I do feel sorry for myself and my life is being wasted.  I need to remember that things happen for a reason and someday I will look back and laugh.  
18. Stop holding grudges. – This is important and I want to say that I tackled this last year.  Once I forgave SI, I was able to be a little happier.  I met up with an old friend and we had a small pointless talk, but I did it. I accepted her invitation instead of holding my grudge out.  It didn't affect anything, but it made me less stressful.  I wrote two blogs on forgiveness - it really is so important.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – I need to refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.  I tend to do this at work, and it really bothers me.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – This is something I have really started to hate in the last few years, why should I have to explain myself?  So I don't say anything to anyone. 
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – good advice.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – My life coach and I tried to focus on this last year, I can't say I've mastered it yet.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – I gave up on perfect 5+ years ago.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. –  All I have been doing for the last 5 years is taking the easy way out and doing what I am comfortable with...I need to change that.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – On the outside sometimes I appear more put together than I am.  Inside and with those that know me very well, it is obvious I am not OK.  I cry a bit still, I am a little moody, and quiet.  It is what it is.  I'll be happy eventually, maybe. 
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – I need to take responsibility for my life.  I used to blame people, but I realized they were there for me to learn from.  Sure because of them my life didn't go as I had hoped, but I am the one that needs to fix it.  I can't rely on other people and I can't expect the person who wronged me to even know how badly they hurt me.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – good advice. I don't seem to have a problem in this area yet. I like to help people when I can.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worrying runs in my family.  I hope I don't become a worrier.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – I am a bit of a pessimist. I think about the wrong side of things.  For instance, moving...I am more consumed with location, meeting people, job, salary, missing my family, etc.  I don't focus on how wonderful it might be.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – Even though I am miserable, I know I have it better than other people. 

And then he followed up that blog post with 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself which is a more positive spin on life, but a bit repetitive from the list above.  Again, I'll list the 30 things and relate them to me.

1. Start spending time with the right people. – I need to find the right people first, but I will cherish them once I have them.
2. Start facing your problems head on. – Time to stop procrastinating. 
3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – I can't improve my life if I am lying with what would make me happy.
4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – I got a life coach, I know I need to do this. I am not doing enough, but I am working on it.
5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – On my goals for my 30s.  To accept myself for who I am.
6. Start noticing and living in the present. – All I think about is how I am wasting my life.  I am looking towards the future when I might be happy and I am missing out on the right now.  
7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – It is hard to value the lessons until they are not fresh anymore.
8. Start being more polite to yourself.
9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – I find this hard, I am miserable with so many aspects of my life, that I can't enjoy what I have.  
10. Start creating your own happiness. – This I find to be extraordinarily hard.  How do I find happiness?  I usually think that once I have the life I want (husband, child/ren, etc) that I will be happy, but I can't rely on them for that.  I don't know how to achieve this, goodness knows I've been working on it for two years. 
11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – It's about taking a chance...I know this needs to be done, I've been pushing it away for too long.  I took my first gamble end of last year with renting my apartment...but now it is time for the next one.
12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – I haven't been doing this.  But I need to take Thomas the Tank Engine's advice, 'I think I can, I think I can'. 
13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. –
14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – I am trying. I am.
15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Oh the 22 year old me was pretty awesome.  I had a lot of things going for me, but I lost my way.  I need to get back to that state of mind where I can get anything I want and go after it.
16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – I do this all the time. 
17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – Lately I have been trying to find the reason behind bad things.
18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – Again, very very important.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
19. Start helping those around you. – Way too much, in my opinion.
20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – Eh, I am not sure if I trust myself, which is why I haven't made changes.
21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – 
22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Yes small things are good for overall happiness.
23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. –  I am definitely not as type A about certain things anymore. I've learned to take things with a grain of salt and deal with it.
24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – My goals are big and I can't work on it everyday (which is why I haven't made progress), but I need to take smaller steps at a time and tackle it little by litte.  
25. Start being more open about how you feel. – It is hard to talk about sadness with other people.
26. Start taking full accountability for your own life.
27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. 
28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – 
29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – Think positive.  
30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. 

So that is how those things relate to me.  When you read the article or the synopsis above, was your mind turning and realizing things that you need to do also?

I hope to check out Marc's blog.  I do not know him, but after stumbling upon it with these articles, I read a few more and there is some great advice out there about bettering ourselves. I hope you find it a little helpful.

facebook fear

On Saturday, I logged into facebook for a few moments....and who is on my list of People I May Know? 
The one person that has given me nightmares for the last five years.  Yes, HER.  SI's mistress pops up.  I freak out, of course she has to catch me off guard yet again...but why? We do not have any friends in common.  Then I remember....she is an email contact.  Damn technology & connecting things without my approval. 

Hopefully I'll never see that again.  I might have to block her email address too - just to make sure.

I intentionally ate a spider

Last night I was getting into bed, and I saw a spider above my bed.  I refuse to kill bugs since I have a fear of them.  I was exhausted and didn't want to sleep on the couch so I made a decision to go to sleep, on my bed, under the spider.

I was very conscious for a while - making sure the covers were over my mouth. But I know bugs like heat (warmth, body heat, whatever it's called).  It took a while for me to realize that instead of killing the spider, that I would practically be ensuring that I'd be digesting this spider.  As much as spiders scare me, I know we ingest what 7 per year? others say 7 per lifetime.  Who knows.  When I woke up this morning, I was not surprised to not see the spider anywhere in my apartment.

The itsy bitsy spider

For my trip, I wake up at 4am to get to the airport by 5.  I didn't sleep well, wondering if I packed everything I needed, and hoping that my alarm would go off at 3:55am.  I use the airport bathroom, still half groggy and I see a spider dangling from my butt.  I freak out, because well, I have a huge fear of spiders...or any bug really, but to see a spider ON you.  I controlled myself and didn't scream since I didn't want airport security to think I was being murdered in the ladies room so I start flapping my arms trying to get spider off of me, but I don't see where it goes.  Finally I must leave the restroom to board the plane unsure of what to do. 

Since I was half sleepy still I kept thinking on the plane all the most unrealistic scenarios, such as a colony of spiders living in my body.  Or something similar to an older episode of Fringe where bugs come out of your every pore or break through the skin and then you die.  

The rest of the day I spent extra time trying to make sure I didn't have bugs on me.  I haven't seen it since, but since I need proof, I don't know for sure it isn't lingering somewhere on me. 

I am not a 'dirty' person.  I mean sure, I didn't shower at 4am, but I keep my apartment and my body tidy.  This seriously freaked me out and is somewhat embarrassing. 

An Innocent Man

I grew up listening to the music my older sisters liked, because I wanted to be just like them when I got older.  They seemed so old and wise - but anytime I reached the age they were, I felt like I had no clue what I was doing.  But that is a story for another day.   My sisters listened to typical 80s music and some 70s music.  In the car my parents listened to the Oldies station or some sort of easy listening.   I take with me a love for some great older groups/artists, especially Billy Joel, Chicago, Journey, Elton John, and Rod Stewart. 

source



My sisters listened to Billy Joel's music over and over again that it was easy to memorize the lyrics to so many of the happy upbeat songs.  But as the time went on, I started to appriciate the lyrics too.   I have seen him in concert probably 5 times and have enjoyed each show. 

Two of my favorite songs has to do with trust.  After cop #1 I was really able to relate to "An Innocent Man' and "A Matter of Trust" and felt that the next person had to do a little work to get me to trust them, but then I'd open up and love unconditionally.  SI was willing to put up with my trust issue and then took full advantage of my sweetness.  While that relationship didn't end happily - I wonder how I will be able to handle trust in the future. Everytime I hear these songs (well, most of his songs) I sing along envisioning someone singing it to me, melting my heart to make me realize that 'wow, he is the one for me'.

I think enough time has passed by where it shouldn't be so hard for me to have some trust for someone else.  When I fall in love the next time, I will be ready and know that I have to tell myself this next person isn't my past, I can't hold them accountable for my issues.  It will be a little challenging, but I hope I know enough of the signs where I don't let bad things get too far.  I worry about another heartbreak but I am not going to let it stop me from trying. 

An Inncoent Man

Some people stay far away from the door

If there's a chance of it opening up

They hear a voice in the hall outside

And hope that it just passes by

Some people live with the fear of a touch

And the anger of having been a fool

They will not listen to anyone

So nobody tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself

I know you're thinking of somebody else

Someone who hurt you

But I'm not above

Making up for the love

You've been denying you could ever feel

I'm not above doing anything

To restore your faith if I can

Some people see through the eyes of the old

Before they ever get look at the young

I'm only willing to hear you cry

Because I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe

Another promise they hear in the dark

Because they only remember too well

They heard somebody tell them before

Some people sleep all alone every night

Instead of taking a lover to bed

Some people find that's it's easier to hate

Than to wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say

I know you're gonna keep turning away

But I've been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive

I'm not above going through it again

I'm not above being cool for a while

If you're cruel to me I'll understand

Some people run from a possible fight

Some people figure they can never win

And although this is a fight I can lose

The accused is an innocent man

Oh yes I am

An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite

I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight

That's your decision

But I'm not below

Anybody I know

If there's a chance of resurrecting a love

I'm not above going back to the start

To find out where the heartache began

Some people hope for a miracle cure

Some people just accept the world as it is

But I'm not willing to lay down and die

Because I am an innocent man

I am an innocent man

Oh yes I am

An innocent man

copied from billyjoel.com

BIG thoughts

I am so afraid of making the wrong decision.  I don't remember being like this years back, but I guess the SI breakup jolted my system.  Before that I didn't questions my intentions or what I was doing in my life, I had complete faith that everything would work out.  However, now....I still think things will work out but I over think everything, I am scared to commit to anything.  In the last 24 hours I decided I MIGHT sell my apartment.  What does this mean for me? Where will I go?  Is it smart? Is it too spontaneous? Am I doing it for the wrong reason?  What if I do it and later regret it?  I am 31 and quite capable of making my own decisions...but this weekend I am going to talk to my family and see if they will help guide me.

See, perhaps selling my apartment would be like correcting the wrong of buying it in the first place.  After I moved out of mine & SIs house, I moved in with my parents.  I thought it was temporary until we worked things out and I moved back 'home'.  A year or so later - I get a piece of mail with HER name and our address on the return and I went out and found a realtor looked at 4 apartments and bought something.  Not the best reason.  I thought it would help me see reality and make myself realize I can support myself.  I locked myself into the area when I thought maybe I'd be better off moving away.  It worked out I guess, I was near family and they really helped me these last 4 years...but now I am getting antsy.

I am feeling a lot better this month mentally and I know I need change, but I don't know what kind.  It has also been 3 months since I've talked to SI.  Perhaps this is my time (4+ years later) to do that drastically different thing?  

Oh I just don't know.  I have dreams of picking up and moving. Starting somewhere brand new.  But that is scary because 1) I have a really hard time making friends.  It took me like 3 years to make some where I am now, and I still don't have a lot.  2) Job searching...but then again, I'd be doing this here or there.  3) Am I running away from problems?  I thought so at first, but then realized NO, because I gave it a good 4 years.  Anyway, I know that if it doesn't work out I can always move back this way.

Do any of my blog friends want to up and move to like Colorado, Washington DC or somewhere in between and are looking to know someone else in that new town?

Denise versus Head Lice

I got a text yesterday from sister #2 that sister #1 needed help - her 3rd kid has lice.  She was not going to go over to help, but maybe I would be brave enough to do so?

As I am eating my dinner, I think about this.  I really really hate bugs. I am scared of them...so how can I possibly help?  But, we are family, so I call her to ask if she needs OTHER help.  Dinner, laundry, whatever...so I go over there.  Before I leave the house, I pull up my hair and wrap saran wrap over my head.  Then I apply a shower cap on top for extra measure.   I live in an apartment and I don't want people to think I am crazy, so I put my jacket hood over my head (no hats...since it could pull off the plastic). 

I arrive and am first asked to look through the Dad's hair, I applied a rubber glove and began my work...OK, that is easy it is short and I wasn't expecting to find anything.  Then I do help with Kid#1 thinking...he probably doesn't have it either - but really I just held the flashlight for my sister, which was really easy.

While my sister was re-looking through Kid#3's hair, she asked if I can do Kid#2...a girl with long hair.  So, I begin meticulously looking and applying step2's gel.  It takes a good 30+ minutes.  My sister informs me that my mom was going to stop over to help after dinner (it was already 8pm) - and I was shocked that she didn't trust me...although, how could I blame her, I don't like bugs/insects!  Next I looked through my sister's hair...she was fine, the only thing I found was her first gray hair.

Then I start helping with Kid #3.  Even after steps 1 &2 were completed...we were still finding live lice and eggs.  I have a fairly steady hand, so I took the tweezers and just plucked some hair out that was infected.

I also had this great idea.  Way back in the day, Kid #1 received a CSI kit with a microscope, so I had him find it and I put a lice in the glass plates and slid under the scope...ohhh all those biology classes from college starting to come back to me.  Unfortunately the microscope is very low quality and it was difficult to see - but we were able to see pieces at a time (like the head).  Every time I had it focused I showed a kid, who immediately started playing with the dials....which of course I told them they didn't need to touch, it was ready.  Even the Dad didn't follow directions!  Anyway, so I gave them a brief science lesson while we were at it.   Then back to finding lice. 

Now it is almost 10pm and I am tired...I just found two more live lice and 3 more egg sacks and suggested that my sister redo steps 1 & 2, then I headed out so I could get to sleep.

At home I unwrap the plastic off my head and fall into bed...and continue to itch my head and dream of lice all night.  Looking for lice was not as horrible as I thought it was going to be.  I was able to think that it was 'fun' to use the tweezers and see how accurate my hand/eye coordination was and try not to think that bugs are in his hair. 

I have a surprise house guest

This Saturday morning I woke up and started to make my To Do lists. I love lists, they really help keep me on track.  One list isn't enough. I have a calendar, a grocery list, etc you get the idea.  On my list was to clean out my fridge, which I have been meaning to do for weeks.   See, now that I live alone, I hate to waste garbage bags that aren't full, so I keep all my leftover food in the fridge so my apartment doesn't smell. 

I got rid of a lot of stuff, and as I was throwing it into my garbage (which is under my sink) I see these small brown ovals.   I look closely and curse.  Mouse droppings.  WTF?  I don't know a ton about mice, they aren't my favorite creatures.  But I did have one in another old apartment and as I was getting out of the shower, I see it running through my glass doors. I immediately hop in my bed (still only wearing a towel) and proceed to stay calm, I am way bigger than that thing...but it didn't work, and I ended up going into a panic attack and hyperventilating.

So, now that you know about my mouse fear...I see these droppings today and immediately run downstairs to the laundry room to sign up for the exterminator who, coincidentally, is supposed to come today.  I love our exterminator.  He is a nice old man. I don't know if he is doing the best work...but still, he is nice.  So I am patiently waiting in my apartment, he should be here any minute...and I wonder where that mouse is.   Well, two hours later, NO exterminator. I can't verify it is mouse droppings, although I am 99% sure and I was hoping he'd give me poison or a trap.  But I can't deal with seeing a mouse in a trap, or dead.  Although when they die they try to get outside, so that is good.

Oh what to do??   OK I just called, and he is going to come over right now special just for me (I didn't realize with the holiday it was pushed to next week).  He confirmed it was mouse droppings and put in two things of poison...and I said NO to the sticky pads.  The last thing I want to see is a furball.  He said all the food should be eaten in a day and the mouse/mice will probably die in my wall.  So I was smart enough to ask about the smell, which he confirmed I might smell for a day or so, depending on how many there are since the smell is the water that evaporates from the body or whatever.  Fun Stuff.  He did reassure me that it had nothing to do with my cleanliness (or lack thereof) but because for the last two weeks it has been freezing and they followed the pipes in.  Thank goodness I only saw it under my sick and not near any of my food/cabinets/etc.  

One of the many disadvantages of living alone...you have to deal with things that scare you.  I don't think I ever told you about my issue with bugs, but that is for another day.

I am happy for you...really I am

I love "How I met your mother" but I swear the writers telepathically get their ideas from my head.  OK OK, so maybe they get the ideas first, but when I watch the show, the timing of the events coincide so much with my life.

For instance, on Monday I was going to blog about how one feels when they find out a friend is pregnant.  I didn't get around to blogging about it that day because I was busy.  And guess what? That is exactly what HIMYM was about that evening.  When the gang finds out Marshall and Lilly are pregnant, they each have their own thoughts about their lives.  I won't say more since you may have already watched it or don't like the show - but I will tell you about me and why I was happy that this show touched upon what few will admit.  

I've mentioned a few times, that it is hard watching everyone else move on with their lives.  In the last 4 1/2 years I have seen people date and marry, divorce and have children. I have seen many younger than me marry and start families, and I am happy for them, but honestly I am jealous.  I know many people feel that way, but few admit it.  But there it is. I am jealous that some of these people are secure enough in their lives to take the next steps.  They first started dating, then they apparently had a decent enough job to save money for a house - a house big enough for a family, and then they start having children. 

You all know that a family has been my desire for at least 10 years. I never stopped hoping for a husband or a child.  And watching everyone else make that happen, it hurts because I came ridiculously close, but it hasn't happened yet. It makes me realize that not only will I be an old parent (which I always feared) but I may never get where they are.  I am not going talk about the green grass on the other side...and you shouldn't too. It isn't about that.  It is about my personal failings in life. My wrong decisions that landed me where I am now. My realization that realistically being a single parent in NY is not possible and I need that other person to help get the nicer place to live and provide for the future family and wondering if that other person will find me before I am too old to have decent sex.

When you find out someone is getting married,  having a baby, or got an amazing job you really start to think about your life. I am happy for my friends and acquaintances for a few moments but then I need a few moments to hold back my tears before I can be happy for them again.

No one to blame but yourself

I started to work on my goals for 2011, trying to plan what to add and when to do them. Trying to break down my life goals and my 30s goals to more manageable pieces. Give me a little to do each month.  I didn't get too far. See, I am great at planning - but lately I am not so great at follow through.  I can plan and plan but never actually DO it.  I think smaller pieces is key.

Lately my depression is coming back. I know one of the reasons, and I am trying to cut that out of my life. I just need a tad bit more time. Coupled with this is my desire and quest for love.  I wonder if I ever really been loved.  I wonder if it was all an illusion. There can be no way that love, years later makes you feel worthless.  Giving me the constant thought and reminder of which Thomas Mann said best with "He who loves more is the inferior and must suffer".  Why should love make you suffer? Why should one person have such control over your thoughts and emotions?  The answer is obvious - it shouldn't.  But the reality, is that it does.

Instead of moving on as many of you have said, I have been stuck in this rut.  I know I am not in love with someone, especially when that anger is [finally] starting to catch up to me.  When I see that person and his actions piss me off.  When I look at him and think - what was I thinking? What am I thinking?  When you try hooking up and you realize it isn't doing anything for you and you wish they would just go. The realization is FINALLY hitting me...but yet, I am addicted to it.  And it isn't for love. It is for acceptance.

Why acceptance?  Well, I could make this really long and even turn it into a book, but what it boils down to is that is what we learned since we were little.  Go to school, make friends - be accepted, be nice to your elders, teachers, etc -gain their approval.  It has been drilled in our heads from such a young age.  So naturally as adults, for the most part we want acceptance too.   Is there anything worse than wanting something so much and not getting it?  What do you do? You try.  Maybe you save your pennies and buy it.  Maybe you try and try and try and hope to achieve it.  It becomes a quest. It becomes something you just do even without thinking about it.  Next thing you know, you become obsessed with the idea.  At times it isn't the most prevalent thing on your mind, but it is always there. 

That is what I have done.  I have taken something so ridiculous (a breakup) and turned it into so much more.  But for the average person it should not have been this difficult.  It either works or it doesn't.  In my case, which is slightly different, said person played some mental games, said things that were extremely misleading, and said things that while they knew 100% what I wanted just told me things they thought I wanted to hear without really believing them himself.  So what happens? I believe these things are true and I go on thinking that it will be OK, because after all he said they would be.  I didn't invent those words, I am just going with what I thought should happen.  Because of this, I didn't let me feeling go away. I insisted on holding on to them.  I needed to hold onto them to remember - so when it was all OK, I would be OK. But unfortunately, it was never OK, and I was stupid enough to allow the nonsense to go on for too long.

Guilt is a big player in this too. While to others guilt seems like a crazy notion to have with this situation, it is there, and it is big. What could I possibly be feeling guilty over? Not living up to some one's expectations, letting myself down, not sticking to something, not succeeding in something you wanted and even more so, the guilt he made me feel on a regular basis. The guilt that should not have been guilt - for I did nothing to deserve it. The guilt I feel is the workings of a psychopath brainwashing. Wanting to make some one happy and not being able to succeed. The constant challenge. The constant notion that you will never be good enough, no matter how hard you try. Naturally what do you do? You try to prove them wrong.

After a while, you forget you don't love someone because you have been tricking yourself into thinking you do for so long.  Time passes by and you are still where you were years before.  He is still in the picture because you have allowed him to be.  At first you refused for him to leave that picture, because how can it all turn out OK if he wasn't there?  Even if that meant keeping things secret.  You would try to get rid of him, but he becomes insistent, further declaring his love for you and the need for more time.  There are a few times you have the "we are never speaking again" conversation and it is like a breakup all over again. So final.  After many brief periods of not speaking you somehow find your way to speaking terms again.  All your progress diminishes, while his time is further spent getting on with his life, but keeping you around 'just in case' and never telling you that he has no desire for a future.

Then one day, you are hanging out talking and you realize just how far he has come.  The complete opposite of everything he has always said.  The fear you had all along about loosing him.  Knowing full well that he isn't even good enough for you after everything that has happened.  In this time, you have also attempted, even if it is a bad small attempt, to see what else is out there. But your progress isn't where it should be.

And that makes you both sad and mad. 

Friendship was never one of my attainments with him. I never wanted it, I told him that several times.  My goal was to have him or not to have him.  He didn't want me out of his life, so he kept telling me we'd be together eventually.  Even now mentioned we were 'friends' and I was shocked. No, never what I wanted. How could I possibly be friends with this person after what they did to me?  How could I possibly subject myself to hearing about who he is dating, sleeping with, marrying and about his children and his happy life?  Not until I am happy am I willing to even think about 'friends'.

I know you have no one to blame but yourself.  And I do blame me. Everyday.  I shouldn't have believed all those lies.  But more important, I should have been stronger and now allowed him to woo me with words that he didn't mean.  What he did was wrong; I will never think it wasn't. No one should ever hurt you in that kind of way (or of course in worse ways). But it is my fault it got out of hand.  The obsession needs to stop.  And starting now...it will. 

Anyway, going back to my goals for 2011 - perhaps I should start finding ways to find a way to have at least 3 dates a month.  And hopefully you won't have to read anything more about SI.


(I am posting this on SI's birthday as a reminder to me that I have goals about guys to attain.  Last year I went on my first day with a brand new guy on his bday...that helped a little.  Too bad it didn't work out because his penis was too small)

Signs he is cheating

Think he is cheating or having an affair?  Here are some signs to look for.  Of course just one of these doesn't mean anything...but the red light should go off if three or more are seen at the same time & over a certain period of time.

• Finding a strand of hair that is not your color in the passenger side head rest of the car
• If you constantly have to change the passenger seat of the car to fit your length.  If you are the only one regularly in the car, you shouldn't have to
• Not answering the phone or answering texts for several hours
• Have plans with you and be MIA for hours.
• Suddenly leave in the morning to hang with friends/family and you had no clue (esp true if you live together)
• Call you by a pet name all the time. (When cheating, he doesn't have to worry about calling out the wrong name daily or in bed if his pet names are the same for multiple ladies)
• Starts picking up new habits (like fake tanning - which you are so against)
• Starts smoking and/or drinking coffee out out no where
• All of a sudden you see an increase in his wardrobe.  You see a lot of new clothes when doing the wash, but never on him when you go out together
• Pet hair on clothes when you or he doesn't have a pet
• Gets a little nervous when you tell him the dry cleaner found something in his pocket
• Starts wearing (new) cologne
• Text messages all the time.  At dinner, on the couch, in bed over your head, in the car.  You constantly asking him to put his phone away and pay attention to you...but he doesn't.
• Starts complaining about high credit card bills (when you are trying to cut down on spending, maybe even start a budget...and you can't imagine why his credit card bills are high)
• Go from doing bills together to never being able to see them
• Keeping personal files and bills at work not at home where you can see them
• Gains extra weight
• Nit-picking everything to start a fight with you
• Starts doing small cute things to make you happy - flowers, nice restaurants, little gifts, etc to lessen your assumption he isn't being faithful
• Starts changing your plans for the future - making extreme new decisions (you agreed to 3 kids, now he wants none.  Finding things he knows you want more than anything and trying to crush it because he won't leave you so he wants you to get so mad at him and leave him)
• You get that feeling.  You want to maybe follow him one day, but you are scared to know the truth
• He locks his phone and computer with passwords
• He tells you he suspects YOU are cheating
• He refuses to give his parents your home telephone number (esp. if you live together) so they don't call when he isn't home and call him out on his lies (because of course he is always 'visiting' his sick parents)
• He has new moves in bed
• He is moodier
• When he gets home from work he sits in his car to finish a conversation before going inside the house (and does this on a regular basis)
• He criticises your clothes and/or body
• He might slip and mention something you didn't do together
• In his cell phone a friend is listed by initial. last name and then again number full  name (example J. Doe and then John Doe).  These are both different people.  The real one is probably the one that is still in line with all the others and the odd one is the one that is different.  And be even extra careful, my cell phone as a 'secret' listing...which is nothing but trouble if you ask me
• You notice he gets really good at lying to other people (but don't realize he is lying to you of course!)
• He goes from wanting to talk about feelings/future/little things to being more private and secretive
• When you do finally get around to "snooping" (which it isn't if you live together) you notice many credit card transaction for flowers, jewelery, restaurants that you didn't go to.  Also, he listed her as an authorized card holder so she has a credit card that he pays for. Perhaps a copy of her passport and license are in the file too.

*note, these could be signs SHE is cheating too...but since in my experience, it was my guy cheating, it was just easier to write HE all the time...and yes, the HE does refer to actual things someone specific did.
*note 2, there are different levels of cheating.  Listed above are all examples s/he is not just cheating, but in another relationship .

Single forever? Might not be the end of the world afterall.

Change is hard.

A few years ago I was forced to go from being in a relationship & living with someone to spending my days and nights alone.  It was the hardest thing to re-adjust not sending messages to someone throughout the day, sleeping alone, not doing everyday things anymore because it was no longer relevant. And it happened so fast.  I would cry and think I was not cut out to be single. That I work so well in a relationship.  That being in a relationship would make me happy.  My life goals mostly reflected around having that someone there that I would share my life with.

Over the last 2 years, I have adjusted OK, it was the hardest thing I have had to do, but I learned how to be alone. I started to really enjoy it.  I realized that I was able to not have to compromise on what TV program to watch. I didn't have to listen to crappy music on long drives, I didn't have to pick up socks off the floor, I was able to purchase the kind of couch I liked and hung pictures I liked on the walls, I can sleep without being woken up by snoring, I don't have stress of fights/disagreements/, no BS, no lies.  I can be selfish.  I started a new routine.  I bought a king size bed and sleep on the WHOLE thing, because I can.  Sure, I miss having someone to talk to at dinner, or knowing I'd have a date to a wedding or take a trip with a specific person...but overall, I finally adjusted.

This past weekend I was away. During some free time, I was strolling the streets (well, not really strolling, I don't know how to walk that slow and without purpose, I am from NY) and was getting so agitated that the couple in front of me was all lovey-dovey.  And I realized that I might not want to be like that.  I think I am finally OK with being alone, and that my life could be just fine without that someone.  What a huge realization. 

I can probably go either way.  If I met someone - I can marry, but if not...well, it isn't the end of the world like I thought it would be.  If I met someone, trying to re-adjust to adding time for him in my life would be difficult. Since I have not really dated in four years, I am not used to having someone else around. For instance, at first you see someone once a week. No problem. But then you like them...and want to see more of them...this is the hard part. I know it will be gradual so hopefully it won't be as hard as the sudden change but when it comes down to it change is hard.



With this new realization that I can be happy being single, I am going to make sure I pick up the momentum and find things to make having a long life being single more enjoyable.  Because the hardest part is all the time spent alone (and watching all the other couples).  I don't need anyone; I would have liked someone - Sure that extra income would be great to pay the bills, and the companionship is nice to have a support system.  But if done right, being single could work out to my benefit.  I have a lot of work cut out for me to ensure that 1) I have/make enough money to support myself and my future  2) not be jealous when others are happy and find love 3) make new friends, perhaps also single.  Join groups. Find more people to socialize with 4) decide about raising a family on my own.  5) find hobbies I enjoy.  Go out. Don't say in all the time.  6) realize that so many people would want to be in MY shoes.  So take advantage of not being tied down to a husband or children.

Biggest Regrets

Everyone has regrets.  Here are some of mine (in no order):

Not knowing how to go about getting my invention patented when I was in middle/high school.  Someone made millions.  Not me...but I should have.  Who overheard me?  *And since I have another one in my  head, I should act upon it before it is too late again.

Not sticking out all the science classes for my bachelor's degree so I would have had a science degree.  Instead I thought by year 3 that looking through a microscope all day for the rest of my life would have been torture.  I didn't see the bigger picture. I deeply regret that decision.

Went back to school for MBA.  I did it for the entirely wrong reason.  It has not been worth it, my salary stinks, my profession isn't ideal, I will be paying off the loan for way too many years.  I should have stuck with a CUNY or SUNY school or let your job pay for your education.  Save your money.

I should have bought the condo down the street from my grandmother.  Sure, parking was not ideal, but at the low price of 80,000 for a spacious 1 bedroom unit - I would have tripled that easily when I moved out.  If only I got on the real estate bandwagon before it burst.

Not have sex with Jackson.  Super cute guy from college I had a crush on. We made out.  I slept over.  But I was too new at sex that I didn't do it.  Why not?  Would anything have changed?

Give SI too much credit.  Be willing to take him back.  Waited 4 years for him to get his life in order when I didn't focus on mine.  I should have known long before when I didn't like his last name with my first name that it wouldn't work.  I should have known and trusted my guts before it got out of control.

Tried that new make up that totally reacted really badly to my skin causing me to go on Accutane for 6 months, thus providing me so much insecurity.  And then after that affected my triglycerides, my eating habits didn't got back to normal, and now, 9 years later, I weigh 15 pounds more than I should and I have a messed up liver.

Being rude to some people in school.  I never really teased anyone (that I am aware of) but I wasn't nice to a few of the 'losers' that had crushes on me.  Well, I said hi and stuff, but I wouldn't consider dating them.  Overall, I do not think anyone can remember me as a mean spirit - so I am happy about that, but I think I could have been nicer.  Especially after reading about so many kids hurting themselves and others because they do not know how to react to the bullying, so they overreact and kill.

Not having children before I was 30.  Let's add being married to that while I am at it.  My plan didn't go according to how I thought.   Now I will be an older parent or not a parent.  Tough considering it has been my only real desire since I was 22. And I was not in the right frame of mind or financially secure enough to take matters into my own hands from 27 - present.

Being 'too good' in high school, college and as an adult.  Fear of not having fun or experiencing life.  Being jealous of everyone else.

Even after obtaining MBA degree, when job searching I didn't go with job in my field, I didn't go with job that paid well.  I went with the job that was 'easy' and had flexibility so I could be happy at home.  Hey, it worked at the time...for 4 months.   And now 4 1/2 years later am having a very hard time finding something else.

Not listening to other people's advice. Having to figure some really hard stuff out on my own. Could have saved me a lot of time...but I do not think anyone really just listens, they have to figure it out themselves - which makes it a lesson learned.

Allowing a higher up co-worker inform HR that you were leaving the job...before you even knew and not doing anything about it.  Why would you just go with the flow based on what someone else assumed? You should have fought for yourself and stuck it out...and you would have been the companies youngest assistant branch manager and maybe your career would have been way better than it is now.

Do you have a biggest regret?

One Day

I just finished "One Day" by David Nicholls.  This is sorta of a review of the book but also my feelings about the book and MY life, but if you plan on reading the book, do not read my post.  SPOILER ALERT.

I can't say I really liked the book.  Essentially it is about this guy Dexter and this girl Emma who had this amazing night on graduation night.  Each chapter of the book reflects on them a year later on that same day July 15 1988 - 2007.  Emma is completely smitten with Dex.  Dex likes Emma but well, he is a bit of a partier/player.  Emma and Dex's relationship goes all over the place from distant to best friends to periods of their lives they do not speak.  Emma is outspoken, sweet, and beautiful in a plain way.  Dex is outgoing, cocky, obnoxious, extremely good looking and drunk for most of his life.

As their lives go from their late teens to twenties, you know that Emma is madly in love with Dex but she can't do anything about it.  She stands by and watches him in all his relationships with jealousy.  She dates this guy Ian for a few years - Ian is a complete loser comedian and you wonder why on Earth she would date a guy like that.  But then she comes to her senses and ends that relationship when he wants to marry her.  She then has an affair with her married boss that lasts a year or so which ends with her quitting her job.  She finally meets someone in Paris that she really likes.  And what happens? Dex gets divorced and comes to visit and they get together in their early or mid-thirties. 

Dexter, leading up to this point was a TV celebrity and had a few serious girlfriends that he took advantage of.  I doubt he ever loved any of his girlfriends but was more attracted to the physical aspect of it all.  He finds someone different, someone who is not a celebrity and gets her pregnant after dating about 2 years.  He looses his TV job.  They wed. They are married for a year and a half and his wife cheats on him with his college roommate.   By this point Dex realizes that he could be content being in a monogamous relationship and becoming a good father.

So Dex and Em finally end up together. Both are very happy.  They date two years, get married and try to have a child, with no luck.  Then, on the day they are looking for a house, she gets ran over on her bike and dies. 

If I didn't love the book, why am I blogging about it? I have read so many books and few I blog about.  Well, I'll tell you.  I fear I am an Emma.  I am mostly quiet and reserved with new people.  People tell me I am pretty, but I don't see it.  I had a love (although more than a day) that was lost but still remained in contact with.  For a while even secretly hoped that I would still be with.  Dated a few HORRIBLE guys...although I would never date a guy for a year or two that wasn't worthy, so unlike Emma, I didn't have these other long relationships.  But I did end up very casually and rarely seeing a married man - who was once MY ex (but in my defense married the girl he cheated on me with 11 years ago).  Anyway, I was never in love with him and it was purely recreational the less than 5 times we hung out.  So while cheating, it was not an affair.  Anyway. I am worried that by the time I finally get my stuff together and find someone I actually like either 1) SI will vie for my love and I will be torn between not knowing what to do or who to choose  or 2) something happens (like I die) and not get to enjoy my time finally happy.  Ironic yes. 

At the end (or really 3 chapters before the end) you ask yourself why did Emma have to die?  Why not Dex?  Emma was the sweet girl and you are so happy for her finally.  Whereas Dex you think, wow he really lucked out that get got Emma. And you even think Dex didn't deserve her.  He was a miserable person throughout his life.  So did the writer kill Emma because he knew that Dex would have been heartbroken forever or that perhaps to say 'see asshole, you waited so long for her you don't deserve to be happy' or perhaps he knew that Emma might not have been able to move past Dex if he were killed...given her past relationships. 

It was an entertaining enough book if you enjoy how relationship evolve.  Many books I read are in the short term and most of the time, they life 'happily ever after' but you wonder if they really do.  Having a change to see where the characters are over twenty years is slightly refreshing to find out how people build their lives.

Body Marks

A Friday last spring, I picked up some lunch and stopped at Bryant Park to eat before taking the early train home. I leisurely ate my lunch and sat and watched people and eventually headed towards Grand Central. Right before the glass doors, I notice something - I look down and see this green furry caterpillar on my shirt near my breast. YUCK! I fling it away and wonder how many people saw this bright yellow-green furry big bug on my black shirt -- hard to miss if you ask me...but you know New Yorkers...nothing is our business...for all they know I could have been toting around my pet bug. The bug must have fallen from a tree I was sitting under. I sit on the train and we head home, but I start itching. Bad itching. I have caterpillar hair on my skin. Someone next to me wondering why I am constantly itching my boob, then my hands, and my neck. It didn't stop. It just got worse & worse. Hives. Bad. I was picked up from train and went to buy benadryl which knocked me out. They stayed for about a week, but after the first day at least it was tolerable and slowly were going away. Who can honestly use the "I am allergic to bugs" as a defense? Well, now I can :) Crazy right? source


February 3rd I wake up with this crazy marking on my arm. I kept trying to think what I was in contact with the few days before that would mark me like that. I couldn't think of anything different. I posted this picture on my facebook page where friends commented it looked like a bite mark or a stamp from a club. It wasn't a human bite, and not a stamp from a club - since I am not one to partake in that kind of activity, maybe alien marking? lol. So of course I start thinking about creepy crawlers and look up bug bites - which totally grossed me out. I refused to look through my bed sheets to find out what kind of gross bug could do this to me. So, I slept on my covers waiting for a brave soul to come and help me find the perpetrator. Nothing was ever found. Today is April 22nd and I still have very light markings of this - it is very faded...but it is still there. I still don't know what caused this type of mark.


Last week I ate a few strawberries with out washing them -and a few moments later, I had two bumps on my hand. I blew it off like it was a little hive, no big deal. Sometimes I get one or two hives that will pop up in the same place now & then. I wasn't worried. And those strawberries were good, I didn't stop. I was at a baseball game over the weekend and used that old fashioned trick to get a pen to start its ink flow - lick it. My brother in law tells me I am going to come down with some sort of weird disease, I laugh - never! Well, yesterday those two little bumps turned into about 7, only of which a few itched a little. I doubt they were from the strawberries, and there is no way it was from the ink, since I had two before that even happened...what could this be from? I spent time diagnosing myself online, which turned out to be a huge mistake, since I always pick the worst thing. But yet, I refuse to go to the doctor while it still seems 'manageable'.


All these weird things in the last year, I start to wonder if I am the victim of some weird bug voodoo doll, since everyone knows I hate bugs.