not on the same page

I am so out of sync with my guy.  I really enjoy our time away on trips and even local hikes/events, but the time at home is a constant struggle.  Our communication is not easy anymore.  I guess we think differently, not just the big things, but the small ways we think and process information - and it is exhausting.  Constantly feeling like we need to defend or justify what we are saying and not trying to hurt the other person's feelings.

Unfortunately, the frequency of this is becoming more than I think I can handle, or want to deal with and that is a hard realization.  Is that what I really want? Or is this something we can work through?  Is it something we will figure out  - or is it something that will always be a struggle?

Life isn't all bad of course.  Today for instance I was having a weird feeling / off day and I don't know why.  I casually mentioned it to my man, and an hour later he shows up at my job to give me hug.  That is over 40 minutes in the car for him round trip and a 10 minute hug/talk with me.  Really sweet.  I am not sure if I felt better afterwards, but his kind gesture was very touching and it meant a lot to me.   But that changed when I got home after a late night work meeting and we started to talk about our day and work and everything else.  Just not on the same page.

And worse, I keep laughing.  Not because it is funny.  But because it is sad and uncomfortable.  I think it is crazy that we have to analyze and repeat what we say hoping the other person will see it from our point of view.   I am constantly back and forth....it can work...it can't work.

my time

The last five months have been great.   It's been a mix between being really busy at work and spending a lot of time with the guy.  It was a really hard adjustment for me to have someone around all the time.  While I loved being with him, I felt like I couldn't do 'my thing'  like a few more hours of work, chores, going to 3 grocery stores, watching silly girl movies.  I quite relished the one or two nights a week I had alone, but yet, I still wanted him there when I was done with 'my things'.  I've talked to him about feeling this way - distracted when we are at each others houses...not getting enough things done.  But that will eventually work its way out.  I keep forgetting its only been 5 months - it feels like we've been together much longer than that.

we know what we want

It took me just shy of 2 months to fall in love with this guy.  I have been so happy.  It has been a hard adjustment having someone around all the time again since I've gotten used to a solo life....but it has been fun, exciting and keeping me really busy.  It is moving quickly....but why shouldn't it? We are older.  We know what we want.  And we have the time to invest in each other.  

I think he is my future husband.

passion

My recent conversation with the guy about passion made me start to think.  Will I find passion again?I don't have a lot of relationship experience, 3 guys, sort of. And how long do you give it before you give up? With Cop#1, I had it from the beginning, with SI, it grew on me and with ManFriend it was instantaneous.  But both Cop#1 and ManFriend were really just physical, it never would have worked long term but it was hard to stop and lasted longer than it should have.  On the other hand SI, was more, I think.  There was the potential for long term, but maybe not enough passion on his end to make it last.  Where is that balance?  I've been willing to compromise on passion...and the last few people I attempted to date all lacked it but they all had other qualities I hoped would compensate for that area.  And while I've been willing to accept that, they are the ones that end it for whatever reason.  Even Mountain Man - we had this crazy traveling romance, but nothing more...but yet, I consider him my best friend and he is always there for me if I need someone.  And still that doesn't translate into passion.

I yearn for being desired and loved.

the one that got away

I remember a dinner about 9 years ago, actually, it was Thanksgiving, and I was with SI's family.  They chatted for a while about 'the ones that got away' and when they mentioned a person, almost everyone had really nice things to say about that particular person, and then they moved onto the next person's one that got away, and similar things were said.  Some of the stories they shared made me want to meet these people because they sounded great.

I was young but I was left with the impression that people really do impact each others lives, and most of the time you have no idea.  I think about this once in a while..not so much as my one that got away, because I never got rid of someone I loved, but more of I wonder if I was ever anyone else's one that got away.

Does some guy out there think of me often and wonder what their life would have been like with me in it?  Does some guy look back and realize that they didn't appreciate me at the time but now regrets that?  Was I the one that got away?  Do people sit around the table and say "oh, remember Denise?  She was so sweet, I really messed that up, etc".

I know for the most part, I leave a good impression on people.  When the social media became big - a few high school people found me and told me they thought of me often over the years and remember me being such a wonderful person with a big heart.  It was wonderful to hear things like that 10 years later from people you least expected it from.

Is it wrong for me to want to be thought about or talked about on occasion?  Has any of my men told their wives/girlfriends about me when they are talking about their pasts, getting to know each other?  Even if I am not there for the conversation, it is still a nice feeling to have people talk about me in a kind way.  I want to be remembered as a sweet, kind, caring lady instead of some bitch.

I am special

Just yesterday I posted about the blank paper that ManFriend sent me and how I longed for something written, maybe a little reassurance,that I was a great person.  Today, I was cleaning out my starred email and I came across the forgiveness email I sent to SI back in 2010, I couldn't resist reading it.  Even though the email is 3 years old, it was powerful and brought tears to my eyes.  I was very in tune with my issues then.  One day I wrote about how to forgive, then spent the day and night writing it out  The next I sent out him my an email explaining to him that I forgave him.  My forgiving email to him was long, but was about as truthful as you can get.  And his response was what any woman would want to hear, "You are by far the kindest, gentlest, most caring woman I have ever met. And I hope that you find someone who deserves you. And I would be so upset with you if you settled for anything less. You're fun, outgoing, thoughtful, creative. Anyway, I can't make up for what I did or how I treated you. I'm sorry for that."  and "You are a gem among rocks. You are beautiful and kind. Fun and forgiving. Understanding and thoughtful. These qualities are not common. In anyone. You are special. And you deserve the best, every day. And you deserve to be told these things, every day. Don't settle. Ever."
I know it was probably very hard for him to say that, but then again it was four years after the fact, so maybe not.  But it was what I needed and I think that was our last correspondence, and I do really think it helped me.

So, this got me thinking, can you forgive someone without so much time passing?  Do you need to forgive everyone that wrongs you?  And do you need to forgive someone before the rest of your life goes on?

I really hope not.  I am not about to reach out and forgive ManFriend via text/phone/email, but I don't think he is worthy of me to halt my life. I am not devastated by what happened, my life isn't paralyzed like it was with SI.  I suppose in my head I can forgive him, but I have no need to tell him I forgive him for him wronging me.  ManFriend was the rebound (not even) that I needed to bridge my gap between SI and the next person that I hope will be the other love of my life.  ManFriend was brought into my life for a few reasons - so I can be more comfortable around men, to test my willingness to love/care for another person, to test my tolerance for asshole behavior, and to open my eyes to different ways of being intimate.  That is it.  Sure, I said I loved him a few times, but like I said in previous posts, it was a different kind of love; it was no where near the kind of love I felt with SI.  And of course that love with SI is the kind of love I am looking for and hope to find again.

I know I am 'special' and have some amazing qualities...I just wish I could find a man that realizes it and appreciates it before we are over.  Still hopeful.

I said it

I arrived at ManFriend's apartment at 12:30am; he was sleeping. I told him we could go right to bed. The lights were out, and he starts kissing me. I was surprised knowing how tired he was but I go along with it. I straddle him and immediately he says "say it" to which I reply "that I love you?" So, I said, "I love you 'ManFriend'". "Say it again" he demanded. So, I said it again. He said he loved me too. And he came, approximately 60 seconds from when I got on top of him. That was not how I wanted to tell him, I would have rathered seen his face and not said it with him inside me.  Why did he demand I say it then?

Earlier that day I stopped over to give him something. I hadn't seen him in like 9 days, so I went over once again after I talked myself into that I wasn't going to see him again after this week.  But as soon as I saw him, that hatred feeling quickly disappeared. I was there about 30 minutes and we made out, like teenagers.  He again told me he wanted to continue seeing me after he moves, and I question him about it; I am not sure.  He asks if this is real. The 'this' he was referring to was our connection, the intensity, the love, the attraction.  Of course it is. I love making out with him, BUT I keep telling him it isn't enough.  He even was talking about football, and told me I was going to a game with him...hmm, that it many months away - I am happy he is finally realizing he wants to be with me.  Part of me wonders if I should try. But I really don't think the rest of our relationship is going to change...and I can't be in this anymore.  A year and a half, and while I love him, I don't think I am in love with him. I also am concerned we see each other a lot less, and all those 'normal' things couples do, we still haven't.  He tells me not to compare our relationship with others...but I am jealous for that kind of relationship. I know I am not happy, and that is so important. 

When we woke up we went out to the bagel place, and I was happy that he finally didn't kick me out. I drop him off and told him to call me later so we can have sex. Late that night he suggest yogurt instead...and the ManFriend rollercoaster ride starts again...yogurt over sex??? When will I get it when I want? When can I be more fulfilled? I left and I wanted to cry. It wipes out all those feelings of love. 

So, soon, I will be breaking his heart because I think he will be surprised, although I don't know how, if he knew me at all or listened to all my concerns, he will know this is coming.

I'm his angel

I met up with ManFriend late last night. He was at the bar, drunk.  I go there, and I am about to walk right back out; I didn't go there to fight or to defend myself.  I know we haven't been communicating well, and I think it is because both of us are in unfamiliar territory regarding our feeling for each other.

So after we chat about what we do to piss the other off, he tells me that I am his angel.  That I am beautiful outside, but even more beautiful inside.  That I saved him.  When we met, he wasn't expecting to find me or even want anything to do with a woman.  He was in a really dark and depressed place and he is so grateful for everything I've done and the ways I've supported him over the last year and a half.  He knows that he has been hard to deal with, but he blames it on being a Gemini.  I got tears in my eyes, it was so sweet, and I know he meant it because he was drunk.  To have someone tell you you've impacted their life so much, is truly amazing.  I love that I helped someone so much - that my support and love is felt and that the other person acknowledges it.

But I wonder and even asked him if he felt that way, why doesn't he show it or tell me, and I've done so much for him, but when I need him emotionally to support me he doesn't and I need more from him and I never get it.  Then he told me I was emotionally high maintenance - I am not sure I agree, I think I've only expected a 'normal' level - or something equivalent to what I've given him.  We stare into each other's eyes and I smile because I know even though he pisses me off to no end, that I love him. 

We go back to his place. The sex was fantastic and different and lasted over an hour and I was like....why have you been holding back when you are capable of this?

the ultimate compliment

Keeping the number of sexual partners low was something I strove for, I am not sure why exactly, maybe because I enjoy it a lot more when I like someone.  But I've done it with people I haven't really felt anything for and I survived just fine.

So what is my problem with telling someone I love them?  Why are those three words so hard to say?  At the current moment, I've said it to only one person.  And I know without a doubt I did overall...and at the time I said it, about 4 or 5 months into the relationship, I was 98% sure I did.  In that particular relationship we'd met each other's families, some friends, were seeing each other about 4 days per week, hung out/did things together.  Easy to know when you are falling in love when you spend so much time with someone.

I am 90% sure I love ManFriend.  It makes perfect sense...all the recent fighting.  It is because of love.  It is because I get so sad and mad when we aren't together. I miss him, and I know I want more.   However, the 10% is what is seriously making me doubt the 90%...how can I love someone when I don't spend so much time with them or when I haven't met any friends or family?  Then again....I've known him for 15 months or so, so that is a long time.


Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment (dictionary.com).

So, why is it so hard to tell someone that you love them for the first time?

I think it is because it is locking me in for a while.  I am not afraid of the commitment, not at all, I am more afraid of, is this it?  Our relationship isn't normal, and if I say I love him, will he think I am happy?

But they are just words.  If I change my mind, I change my mind.  It happens all the time.  I will not start throwing it around and saying it all the time, but certainly when you have an attraction and intense feelings why not tell that person how much they affect you.  It is one of the ultimate compliments.

crazy about you

After our 'date' on Sunday, ManFriend and I go back to his place.  He start kissing.  We keep kissing.  I can't tell you how amazing all this kissing is.  I get hot.  I lose focus.  I am utterly blissful.   I am so in the moment that part of me is worried something is going to slip out of my mouth, that I refuse to say, but that I feel.

As we get up to move our kissing into the bedroom, I stand up and he tells me how beautiful I am.  I am super happy hearing that.  We kiss again - and he tells he is crazy about me.  And I blurt out that I am crazy about him too, but it is really starting to scare me.

Are you wondering why I am scared about this revelation?  It is because I am infuriated about so many things about him & us.  How can I be crazy about a man when I hate our relationship?

It's the damn kissing.  I am telling you it is amazing.  But I can't let love kissing someone be what keeps me involved with him.  I know nothing is going to change significantly enough for me to know this is all worth it.

 

He loves me not, he loves me?

I was making out with ManFriend tonight and he said "We act more like a couple" and I said "uh huh" and kept kissing him.  He said "Maybe we should try it?"  I reply "Try what?" (Remember I am a bitch at times).  So I expressed my concerns regarding the logistics if he is moving sooner than me.  He said we'd talk about it later.

So we go out to a bar and have a few drinks...go back to his place, and we are in bed - he says "who is going to say it first tonight?" I reply "certainly not I".   But a moment later he said it.  "I love you".

HOLY CRAP.

Can I say that again?  Holy Crap.

So we went from casual sex to love?  I don't think that is normal.

But am I surprised?  No, we've been doing this for 13 months.  Clearly with all my postings, I get so annoyed by him, because I expected or wanted more at times throughout the year.  There have been times I almost blurted it out myself, but I stopped myself because of two reasons - 1) was it just in the moment since how can I love someone I really don't know and 2) I couldn't say it out loud when we weren't even dating.

I am not going to lie, I never really do, I was happy about this, it means I'be been doing something right.  But can he really love me?  I know he loves being in bed with me.  We watch TV.  We go out to eat sometimes...but that is it.  Can that be love?  It is completely different from the first and only other time I was in love.

I've only said I love you to SI.  I don't take it lightly and so I didn't say it back.  I know he doesn't understand my hesitation.  He knows I feel it, sort of...he said, 'I can see it in your eyes and what you do to and for me'.

He wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't have very strong feelings for him.

He asked to hang out on New Years, so I guess we'll talk about this stuff more on Monday.  I guess I have a bit of thinking to do...and questions I need to ask him...like what does he think being part of a couple entails?      Is he automatically a date to a wedding?  An automatic yes to a concert I want to see?  Dinner with the family on a random Saturday?  Doing his laundry?  Or the same exact thing we've been doing except exclusively.

Disconnected

A friend was honest with me and told she felt disconnected from her husband.

I didn't want to pry but I asked questions to try and help her figure this all out.  One might not want to get divorced, but the only alternative is to communicate and work through the disconnect.

Even though I expected the answers to reflect this time, when I asked about the past I was shocked I didn't hear more certainty. 

Let me reiterate I am certainly no expert in this area for two reasons, 1) I do not have a degree or formal experience and 2) I am single, never married and lost the first man I loved to another woman. 

But when I asked, were you ever happy or just content, I expected happy and examples.  What I was told was an 'maybe for a little while".  When I asked about lighting up when the man walked into the room or butterflies in the stomach at the beginning at least, I didn't get a yes.  When I asked about thinking about loosing this man, would you cry- I didn't get a response. I won't even say how bad their lovelife is.

Who can live with less than contentment?  Especially when there are no children involved?  I understand people don't want to divorce and sometimes it is because fear of being alone and fear or figuring out how to survive financially, and dating, and having that stigma of divorce.  But staying together essentially as roommates when you are young seems silly.

So I thought about my friends responses, and I felt horrible because as I was asking them, I knew why I asked those selected questions.  I thought back to SI, and I 100% without a doubt had butterflies for months into our relationship, I thought I was so lucky to be with him, I lit up frequently when I'd get home from work or after not seeing him, when I'd pass an accident on the highway, I'd cry thinking if that was SI I would be devastated.  I couldn't keep my hands off him, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him.  Those are signs I was in head over heels in love with that man, which is why it took me forever to get over him.

Everyone should feel that kind of happiness and bliss.

I've been on both sides.  Being single is not easy - and I don't think too many people can do it well which is why they stay in relationships where they are less than content. I want to see people stay together, but if you aren't willing to put effort in, it won't magically happen.

I don't think I have a fairytale idea about love, I have been very selective of my men, and I will not settle for contentment.

Calling on the saints

At my card reading in November, the lady told me to pray to St. Anne; I did not. When we went back a few weeks ago, the lady told my mother that the single daughter needs to reach out to St. Anne (she didn't know of our relationship/I went after).

I figured why not try it...nothing else seems to be working.  I drive around where I knew there was a religious store, but apparently it is no longer there, so I had to order this $16 statue online with a $10 shipping charge.  A few days later it arrives and a few days later I decide to start my 9 day prayer.

Each night I read a short two paragraphs asking St. Anne to intercede for me. 

So, St. Anne, please send me my man soon.

Have you heard/tries this?

24b - A playlist for someone - love

Here is part two of my playlist - this is dedicated to my future husband.  Most of these songs are on my current 'love' playlist.

• Carolina Liar -Show Me What I am Looking For
• Berlin - Take My Breath Away
• Billy Joel - Just the Way You Are
• Bon Jovi - Thank You for Loving Me
• Celine Dion - The Power of Love
• Chicago - You're the Inspiration
• Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
• Faith Hill - The Way You Love Me
• Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
• Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight
• Journey - Faithfully
• Kelly Clarkson - A Moment Like This
• Luther Vandross - Endless Love
• Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
• Phil Collins - A Groovy Kind of Love
• REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
• Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
• Rod Stewart - Have I Told You Lately
• Shaina Twain - From This Moment On
• Luther Vandross - Always & Forever
• Edwin McCain - I Could Not Ask for More
• John Michael Montgomery - I Can Love You Like That
• KC & JoJo - All My Life
• Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
• Sara Barellis - Love Song
• Brian Adams - When You Really Love a Woman
• Bob Seger - Still the Same
• Billy Joel - Shameless
• Celine Dion - Because You Loved Me
• The Turtles - Happy Together
• Extreme - More Than Words
• Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
• Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
• Al Green - Let's Stay Together
• Barry White - You're My First, My Last, My Everything
• Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
• Wham - I Want You to Want Me
• Diana Ross & Lionel Richie - Endless Love
• Atlantic Star - Always
• Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
• Madonna - Crazy for You
• John Trivola & Olivia Newton John - You're the One that I Want
• Nat King Cole - When I Fall in Love
• Etta James - At Last
• Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love for You
• Colbie Callait - Fallin' for You
• Peabo Bryson - A Whole New World
• Lone Star - Amazed
• Frankie Vali - Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
• James Taylor - How Sweet It Is
• All 4 One - I Swear
• Luther Vandross - Here and Now
• Elton John - Your Song
• Air Supply - Even the Nights are Better
• Evan & Jarod - Crazy for this Girl
• Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
• Bryan Adams - Everything I do, I do for you
• Bon Jovi - Always
• Minnie Riperton - Loving You
• The Script - For the First Time
• Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
• Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
• Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
• Survivor - The Search is Over
• Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel