Wednesday, August 31, 2011

On the verge of a breakdown

I had really hoped to post on Monday something relationship/breakup/single to keep with my trend, but honestly, that is not where my head is these days.  I kept logging in and trying to start a post and get nowhere.

This has been a really tough week for me.  As far back as high school I have been a headache sufferer; I even got caught with Advil in school and had to speak to the nurse regarding this since they are the only ones to administer medication.  The headaches continued but got a lot worse when SI and I were together.  Maybe it was the mental stress he put me through that my body knew about but that my mind/heart did not get realize...add to that the living environment (trees/flowers/grass) that I may have been allergic to.  Actually at one point I was tested for allergies and some might have been from cut grass or a tree, but I wasn't petting dogs/cats/horses all day to really be affected by my allergies (oh wait, SI's mistress had a cat - maybe all those headaches were from the cat hair concealed on his clothes).  I didn't know any better, this was my life. I lived on Advil, Tylenol and eventually Excedrin (I recommend this one most).  At times I was taking 3-5 pills at a time to dull the pain.  The headaches would last days to weeks at a time.  The migraines resulted in me laying in a dark room trying to sleep it off. Once the breakup happened, I practically had a constant headache...probably from all the crying.  I'd suffer through work and go home and be ordered to lay down before dinner.  In the last few years, I cut back taking any OTC medicine for headaches, even went to one neurologist (but I didn't like him and I didn't go back), and started to keep a headache journal.  Cutting out the medicine was the smartest thing I did, I swear that the headaches, once I got back on a regular cycle, disappeared.  My body was no longer reliant on the medicine and therefore the headaches went away.  I'd still get an occasional headache and suffer through it as well as the occasional migraine that I would wait as long as possible before I took something.  Unfortunately, the migraines seem to be getting worse over the last few  years while the regular headaches were becoming less frequent.

These past 8 days, I have had 2 headaches that lasted for about 30 hours each, and another small one today.  Every time I get a headache this bad or for an extended period of time, I wonder, how did I put up with that for so long?  It is not something you should live with on a regular basis.  Not only is my head aching but I also feel nauseous or have a lack of appetite. I haven't been back to a neurologist because the headaches have gotten so much better and when you go there...more than likely after waiting 6-8 weeks for an appointment you wouldn't have any symptoms that day anyway.

So, let's add to the headaches my poor sleeping which causes my mood to drastically become impatient with people, the people that I have to talk to everyday at work, my coworkers, and the 'new' work I have to do which in my mind is absolutely insane for someone who can think & is somewhat smart has to do (I asked if we can hire a homeless person! They want money)  and what do we get? Denise is going to have a nervous breakdown! 

I am ok with this though. I know what is happening. I see myself starting to crack and go crazy.  But a temporary stay that my insurance pays for at a mental hospital due to stress is better than being committed for mass murder - right?  I wonder how to go about this.   

Do any of my readers want a job?  See, there is such thing as a recruiter and they work for companies trying to fill a position.  I want someone to work for ME and find me a job by souring the Internet, paper, referrals, social media sites and arrange for interviews.  I am not me if you want a part time or full time temporary job - the catch...I need to get out of here sooner rather than later & you'd probably get paid after the job was offered. We'll work something out. 

Let's see, I also have 'friend' things going on.  Yes that is right, plural.  I have another post to share within the next 3 weeks, but I am not ready for that one yet. 

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Bye Bye Hurricane Irene

Hurricane Irene has passed...and it wasn't as bad as they expected...which is a great thing for our area.  My neighboring town (where most of my family lives) has some flooding issues from this small little river that runs though the town, so when heavy rains like this come through, it is very hard to get out of this town unless you go north or south.   The wind is still a bit breezy at times so we still have to worry about trees falling and power lines down.  Metro North is still shutdown, which is fine for me because I don't like to commute with all those crazy workaholics that flip out when the trains are delayed and crowded; so I get to work from home tomorrow.

I took a walk around the town this afternoon and was surprised with the drivers - Hello people...roads are flooded, traffic lights are out...use more caution! What is the rush?  Where has common sense and courtesy gone? 

Here are some local pictures, this is not as bad as we've experienced in the past (4 1/2 years ago it was worse) but it still isn't ideal.  I feel very bad for all the people who live in these areas (and throughout the hurricane area - especially Vermont) that have to deal with all this work and destruction.

this is a block from my parents

park under water

water is to the top of this bridge

guy about to jet-ski in the park

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Come On Irene

We are ready for hurricane it's just waiting to see if the weather people were correct with their predictions or it they were wrong.  Yesterday we spent some time at my sister's house emptying her basement since they tend to get water down there during 'regular' heavy rains. It is a lot of work to prepare for the what if...but it is necessary because if you didn't you'd be really grumpy after the fact when so much gets destroyed.  We cleaned up outside so things wouldn't fly through windows and we were starting to wonder why some neighbors didn't seem to be doing very much...but they did today.  Going through town stores were boarded up or had tape on the windows.  Our town, like many others near water have certain areas that are being parents are on the cusp of the evacuation zone so I went to their house to stay with my mother since my dad was called into volunteer.

Today is August 27th which aside from Hurricane Irene also is the 5th anniversary of me being 'single' or really giving up my previous life. I can't believe it has been FIVE years already.  I know two of those years went by in the biggest blur/fog ever. I remember being a zombie, walking around crying, moping, and being in a trance.  The days were the longest of my life and every day I just wished for the future to a time where I couldn't be like where all that pain was a distant memory.  While I remember so much of the emotions and agony, I am happy to report (as I did earlier this week) that I am in a much better place now  :)  Sure, I still think about SI and I wonder what my life would have been like, and I know he thinks about me a little bit.  Not sure if he regrets everything or wishes we ended up together...but it doesn't really matter. 

I'll post pictures of the hurricane damage, if any, in the next few days.  I am sure we'll loose electricity at some point, but in all honesty, I don't think it will be as bad as the news has us thinking it will be, especially because it was downgraded already. 

Hope all my readers who are on the East Coast are safe.  Try to make the most of it  :)

Friday, August 26, 2011

24b - A playlist for someone - love

Here is part two of my playlist - this is dedicated to my future husband.  Most of these songs are on my current 'love' playlist.
  • Carolina Liar -Show Me What I am Looking For
  • Berlin - Take My Breath Away
  • Billy Joel - Just the Way You Are
  • Bon Jovi - Thank You for Loving Me
  • Celine Dion - The Power of Love
  • Chicago - You're the Inspiration
  • Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
  • Faith Hill - The Way You Love Me
  • Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
  • Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight
  • Journey - Faithfully
  • Kelly Clarkson - A Moment Like This
  • Luther Vandross - Endless Love
  • Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
  • Phil Collins - A Groovy Kind of Love
  • REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
  • Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
  • Rod Stewart - Have I Told You Lately
  • Shaina Twain - From This Moment On
  • Luther Vandross - Always & Forever
  • Edwin McCain - I Could Not Ask for More
  • John Michael Montgomery - I Can Love You Like That
  • KC & JoJo - All My Life
  • Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
  • Sara Barellis - Love Song
  • Brian Adams - When You Really Love a Woman
  • Bob Seger - Still the Same
  • Billy Joel - Shameless
  • Celine Dion - Because You Loved Me
  • The Turtles - Happy Together
  • Extreme - More Than Words
  • Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
  • Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
  • Al Green - Let's Stay Together
  • Barry White - You're My First, My Last, My Everything
  • Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
  • Wham - I Want You to Want Me
  • Diana Ross & Lionel Richie - Endless Love
  • Atlantic Star - Always
  • Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
  • Madonna - Crazy for You
  • John Trivola & Olivia Newton John - You're the One that I Want
  • Nat King Cole - When I Fall in Love
  • Etta James - At Last
  • Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love for You
  • Colbie Callait - Fallin' for You
  • Peabo Bryson - A Whole New World
  • Lone Star - Amazed
  • Frankie Vali - Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
  • James Taylor - How Sweet It Is
  • All 4 One - I Swear
  • Luther Vandross - Here and Now
  • Elton John - Your Song
  • Air Supply - Even the Nights are Better
  • Evan & Jarod - Crazy for this Girl
  • Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
  • Bryan Adams - Everything I do, I do for you
  • Bon Jovi - Always
  • Minnie Riperton - Loving You
  • The Script - For the First Time
  • Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
  • Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
  • Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
  • Survivor - The Search is Over
  • Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Can we be friends again?

Do you think you can be friends with someone from years ago when the circumstances around the end of the friendship was hurtful to you?

Azya Wine & Chocolate Bar

Summer Friday's are almost over...only two left.  Out of the 14 early Friday's, I had to work 3 of them, 1 I took as vacation, 8 I had plans later that afternoon/evening and 2 I had just free - sitting around my apartment and have lunch and catch up on TV.

Last Friday my co-worker and I went to Ayza Wine & Chocolate Bar in NYC for lunch.  It was a nice day, hot actually so we sat outside under an umbrella.  We ordered from their lunch menu; we had a mini panini with a side.  I ordered the white bean dip which was delicious - but they should have given some more bread chips or something to dip into the dip in order to eat it - there were only two bread chips included.  I had the pulled pork & cheddar panini which was very tasty. I also ordered my second ever martini - a raspberry chocolate one (their best selling one according to our waitress) that came with a truffle.  While the martini was good - it was not ideal to drink this with the lunch items.    My co-worker had the hummus and vegetable panini along with their sangria. 

If/when I go back I'd probably order the cheese sampler with fruit if they have it along with a chocolate beverage. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

Over the last few years, I have gone back and forth if I want a child.  I wanted a child 7+ years ago but realistically in the last 5 years I knew that it wasn't an option.  There are times I am happy I don't have a kid to tote around but most of the time I feel empty like I am missing out on something that I've wanted since I was 22. 

There are definitely people I wouldn't want to have a child with...and I think how could I be so reckless?  Which I guess leads to some of my long dry spells because I scare myself sometimes.  I can't imagine aborting a future child...but I wonder if I could give one up for adoption if the timing was wrong and making some couple's dream come true. 

On the other hand, it is something I've wanted for so long that if I get pregnant, I hope it is with someone I am somewhat attracted to (I have a huge fear of thinking my kid is ugly & then they'll have a harder life in school).  I am not expecting a casual sex encounter to lead to staying/marrying the guy so I need to be ready to be a single parent, just in case.  

Of course I'd be happiest if I actually liked/loved a guy. That there was some sort of commitment and that we would raise our child together.

Long answer short...I would keep the baby and figure it out.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

An Earthquake?

Holy crapola I experienced my first earthquake today.  I was in talking with my boss on the 17th floor of where I work when I started swaying. She was sitting, I was standing.  I asked her if she felt that or if it was me & a balance issue.   She felt it too and a look of panic crossed her face...should we evacuate?  I said no, the shaky went away - maybe it was construction on a close floor. But she was here for September 11, 2001.  I didn't know what caused the shake and I returned to my office soon thereafter.  Then other people said they felt it too...but didn't know if it was them.  Good thing for FaceBook that told me it was an earthquake in Virginia.  (Colorado also had an earthquake this morning too,first in like 40-50 years - as did a bunch of small ones in California)  Fifteen minutes passed and the building PA came on informing us that we are "sheltering in place' and not to leave the building.  My co-worker and I were discussing this evacuation thing and wondered would it be better to be outside and risk all the buildings collapsing on you - or being inside and falling with the building.  Yeah, we are a little morbid.

I developed a small headache, which I am thinking has to do with my ear balance being disrupted.  Did any of you feel the earthquake too? If so where were you?

Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing going for me right now is that I am starting to feel great.  I am spending money on me - Keratin hair treatments, electrolysis, laser hair removal (underarm & Brazilian bikini), new makeup, hair straightener and new clothes.  I was told once by a guy that I didn't put enough effort into my looks...and I thought, why should I? I wasn't a slob but even though I originally attracted him, it wore off and I've worried since then about not only meeting a guy but keeping one.  During my depression it was hard to want to look good or feel good and I didn't meet anyone.  Now, I am putting that effort in that I've been missing.  It hasn't been easy.  I buy shoes that I don't wear, I have bags that I don't use, I buy clothes that I either don't wear or don't know what to wear it with, I have more eye shadow than I need, and I don't know how to change up my outfits to look cute.  I still have more work to do, but what I've done I am really happy with and people notice it.  My gynecologist and my regular physician both told me that I looked great, someone else comments that I just seem happy.  Two people I hooked up with told me they liked my body - which helps my self esteem because I am insecure about my tremendous breasts and wider frame.  I smile and laugh more.  I am confident in my work, becoming a little more social, and know I deserve to be happier.  There are times that I have a bad day or look like crap but overall I am really good. I haven't felt this way since I was 16 and 19. 

I hope that by feeling great my universe will start to align and good things will start happening to me.  (job, fh, more money). 

Monday, August 22, 2011

lonely no more

One of the hardest things is to adjust to a life on your own after a breakup.  While in a relationship we get caught up, take for granted and it is just part of the norm to have that person around; even if you can no longer stand them.

One of the hardest things for me was sleeping alone; not having that person to sleep next to (even if the snoring drove you crazy).  After a year and a half of sleeping on an air mattress & really old bumpy bed, I finally decided one way to help me adjust to sleeping alone was to purchase a bed...a nice BIG bed.  I mean, what do I need a king size mattress for?  But why not? It if is something that will help - it is a great investment since we spend so much time sleeping.

The second hardest thing was that I felt like I was alone.  No one understood what I was going through and how I felt.  Everyone around me was in 'happy' relationships and no one close to me was divorced or and a big breakup.  I couldn't relate to anyone and no one knew how to relate to me. I was isolated.  I really appreciated people reaching out to me and getting me out of the house - even if it seemed like I was miserable since I didn't know how to be anymore.  So thank you to all those people that dragged me out and kept persisting.  My advice to those in similar situations is to get out of the house...keep your mind busy.  You don't need to smile, laugh,have fun or enjoy yourself...but just changing your surroundings helps; maybe not at first but keep at it. 

The third hardest thing was attending events by yourself.  Right after my breakup my at the time best friend asked me to go to a bridal event, and I declined.  Our relationship suffered because she couldn't understand why I couldn't go look at wedding dresses, DJs, bands, photographers, etc.  She was only with her boyfriend for 2 years and was getting married, and I was getting out of a 4+ year relationship...hmmm...not rocket science.  By the time her wedding rolled around I was still single and it was the hardest thing to be there without a date, watching the ceremony and crying upset that these two people were marrying and I wasn't, no one to dance with at the reception, etc.  That was the last time I saw or spoke to my friend, and it was for like 1 minute - at that point our lives were too different and we couldn't relate to one another.  Over the years I still dread weddings, baby showers or other events for couples.  Finding someone to go with you to concerts/plays/etc is hard - even if you are newly dating someone you can't ask them to attend something with you in 6+ months...that could be scary since it is thinking into the future.   This will get easier over time - believe me...but you have to keep at it.  Suck it up and keep telling people yes you'll attend, go and have a miserable time, eventually you will get better at the small talk,  you will start smiling, and you will start hoping for the best for your friends/family.

Some people love being alone - I am not worried about them.  But if you are anything like me who craves to be part of a couple being alone is a huge adjustment.  Essentially I am just passing the time doing boring things until my fh gets here, learning some tips along the way.  Listen to the feed back your good friends and family are telling you - and find a way to overcome some of those fears that are holding you back.

Remember you are not alone. It seems that way and it seems like everyone can look at you and know how sad you are.  Talk to other people or start a blog and get your feelings out - and that will help you on your way to your recovery.  In the mean time, make the most out of your alone time.  I am not promoting going crazy and doing a 180 on your personality - but in your alone time you can watch a movie that you've always wanted to but your significant other never wanted to.  Order some food that you always compromised on.  Decorate your surroundings the way you like or buy something that was previously frowned down upon.  

Eventually you won't be so lonely.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

my little shopping spree

I try to not spend a lot of money since I am kinda broke.  But every once in a while I the urge to go shopping & I haven't bought clothes or things for my place in so long.  Unfortunately in the last 5 days I spent way too much money...some of you will think it is pocket change - but for me every dollar really counts. 

I sit here wondering what items I will end up returning, but what it comes down to is that I picked them all because I wanted them to feel better about myself.  I want to look better and when I feel better then I'll act nicer and seem more attractive both inside & out with others.  It isn't much savings buying stuff on sale when it will take me a few months to pay it off.
  • $133 worth of bare minerals make up (I spent $175 a few months ago) but I really like this makeup and my face is important to attract my fh.
  • $168 on 2 pairs of Lucky skinny jeans
  • $32 on a pair of brown boots from a website that has daily deals
  • $84 in H&M on 1 scarf, 1 blue long sleeve sweater, 1 stripped shirt, 1 cardigan and 1 tank top
  • $135 on 2 bras and 5 pairs panties
  • $70 in JCPenny on a summer suit (huge sale & coupon)
  • $150 from Under Armour on a few sweaters and tank tops (I actually bought this 3 weeks ago)
  • $50 in Express for one dressy shirt
  • $50 in White House Black Market for a shirt
  • $21.50 in Sephora for two lip glosses
  • $48 In Ikea for 2 frames, a shoe organizer, 4 lunch containers and candles

And I really need to buy rain boots - I don't have those yet, but since it rains a lot it would be helpful.  I also want to get a cabinet for my bathroom to store my crap.  Anyone want to send me a birthday gift?

I look forward to the time when I can buy things with my debit card and not rack up debt.  One day.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Getting my blog back on track

Lately I've been writing about anything & everything going on in my life, which is very fitting to my BLAH BLAH BLAH title of the blog, because really, none of this stuff is too interesting.

I realized a year and a half into this, that I am not really writing about all the other stuff I said I'd write about - just the in between part  "This blog is about my journey of healing myself after a breakup, dealing with how to be single, the quest for new love, and all the things in between. "  So, I am hoping to start filling you in on some healing and tips on how to be single since I don't cry about it all the time now, I am sure I can be of some assistance to those depressed & sad people that are going through what I went through that so many other people don't understand.  

To help me keep on tract - I am thinking I'll write at least one post a week on any topic that has to do with any aspect of relationship, maybe on Mondays.

Until I start, feel free to read some other posts I've written a while back. 
Forgiveness 101
Signs he is cheating
Burn party
What would you do if an Ex wanted you back?
I'm Mine
Is Happiness Overrated?
I have no agenda
Dare to Forgive by Edward Hallowell
Marry Him, Marry Her by Lori Gottlieb

My theme song: unwritten

Do you remember Ally McBeal?  It was a TV show that ran from 1997 - 2002 where Calista Flockhart played Ally who works at law firm with her ex and his new wife.  Anyway, she'd have these songs in her head that would change depending on what was going on...kind of like her own personal theme song to help her get through something.  I remember hearing "Hooked on a Feeling" a lot.

Then the other day I was talking to a friend who told me she had a theme song too.  I felt like I really needed know, when you are in a bad mood, before you do something important or even just to re-energize you and help you get through the day.  That one song that sums up how you want to feel that makes you happy...could do wonders to our mental health.

So how do I pick a theme song?   I wanted it to reflect part of me and what I am going through.  The hard part is that I know some songs, but not necessarily enough to come up with a song that fits me perfectly.  I started to ask a few people to help find songs for me, but that is hard because as well as they know me it is supposed to be my song.
One night I was in the car and Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten came on...I was about to change the channel because that song can get annoying...but then I decided to listen to the words again and thought it could be fitting for me at where I am in my life right now.  I am so undecided about so many things...I am looking forward to my future and what it holds even though I don't know what is in store for me.  It also reminds me that I need to live put my past behind me and start over and that it is OK to make mistakes. Most importantly it tells me that I am the one that needs to do the work for my life.

It won't be my theme song forever...maybe just for the next six months or so. I am hoping that things will start unfolding and I will be able to see a little further into where my life is going. 

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
lyrics taken from AZ Lyrics

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Review: Lalibela

Can I tell you how much I love Ethiopian food?  This cuisine seems to be a bit more rare then most other cuisines such as Mexican, Chinese, Thai, Italian, Indian, etc.  I am fortunate that I had an ex that liked these other kinds of food and exposed me to some amazing flavors.  I tried two or three places in both Washington DC and New York City.  But my favorite Ethiopian food was in Montclair NJ - Mesob Restaurant.  I frequented this place enough that at one point the owner/waiter knew us and we'd always order the meat sampler and bring our own wine.  Unfortunately when I moved my Ethiopian consumption was practically nill. 

A month ago while trying to find a new restaurant to try, my research brought me to a website announcing the opening of Lalibela an Ethiopian Restaurant in Mt. Kisco NY...the first of its kind in Westchester County.  I was overjoyed..but what was the date on that article?  May 2010? Why was I just hearing about it NOW? 

I finally found someone to go there with me (believe it or not, it was hard to find someone interested in eating something unfamiliar and with their hands) yesterday.  I ordered the meat combo which included Siga Wat, Yebag wat, Doro Wat and Misir Wat, Shiro Wat and Cabbage and he ordered the Kitfo.  I really liked all my dishes - however I really didn't try the Doro Wat because it had a bone it in and I didn't really know the person across the table from me.  I loved the lentils (misir wat) and split pea (shiro wat).  I could have eaten more since it has been months since I've had it...but again, I barely knew the person I was with and didn't want to seem like a huge pig...not that it wasn't a date, per sae.

I forgot to take a picture, but I found one on their site

I have to say that I still like Mesob in Montclair better for a few reasons (including the selections in the sampler [doro tibs, ye'bang aletcha, sides come with the meat selections], the company I went with, the ambiance, and that I don't remember burping it up so much)...but I am still really glad someplace opened up in Westchester; I am sure I'll be back at some point. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Year 2 update on my 30 goals for my 30s.

Today is my last day I'll be 31 so I am quickly reflecting on my 30 goals for my 30s now that two years have passed.  This past year I've really worked more on myself and feeling more confident and happy and not so much on my actual list...but you need to feel better about who you are before you concentrate on the goals.

So what have I done? 
  • Well, with a little help, I bought a used car...which has allowed me to not borrow my parents car and not have them constantly ask me questions about my whereabouts. 
  • I have done a lot more things out of my comfort zone.  Examples are:  blind dates, attending a Shakespeare in the park alone, attended a seminar alone, attended a movie screening alone, went to the beach with an almost stranger, talk to strangers at work function during meals, reconnected with some high school friends, matchmaking, confronted a condescending client, etc.
  • I am becoming more secure in who I am...but I am not quite ready to think I've achieved that...but there is a good chance I can cross that off for next year
  • Lower my blood pressure - it has been lower since February - but I'd like to see that carry longer to ensure it is in fact lower...maybe if it is lower for a year I'll cross it off.
I am in the middle of another goal...but not ready to divulge anything.  And I think that this coming year will be way better for me in the love area...I feel like my time is approaching. I've been patient and I feel better about myself.  Keep your fingers crossed...because if I find love, I know that my other goals will start coming together.

I also realized I still need 7 more goals.  Do you have any suggestions of goals you are trying to achieve in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Family Games

My family and my previous neighbors celebrated 20 years of friendship this year; this may or may not be common, I don't know.  Our friendship has gotten stronger as the years have passed by.  They are really an extension of my family and I love each and every one of them. 

We usually get together twice a year as a family (and times throughout the year but not all 23 of us at once).  In the last few years we started to play games at night after dinner...I believe it all started one year with charades, then we branched out and played Mexican Train, Left Center Right, the newlywed game, balderdash and a few others.  Two Decembers ago I made up Family Feud, which was a lot of fun.  The families played against each other to see which family could score the highest.   I did  a lot of 'research' to put this game together, as in I watched A LOT of family feud, I also sent around a survey for people to fill out.  I probably made close to 80 rounds - not knowing how many we'd go through if we were having a great time.  I wrote all the answers on a large piece of paper and then covered them so I could pull it off to revel the answer & points when someone guessed correctly.  The families LOVED it.  Each selected a team mate to come to the podium - I read the question and they had to buzz in - whoever buzzed in said their answer - if it made it on the board they got to play or pass.   Some of the questions and/or responses were hysterical.

This past December someone else made up a Minute To Win It game, which was hysterical.  Again the teams were broken down by family and each family had to select a person to compete against someone else to complete the task.  Many of the items we did were from the show.

This past weekend as we celebrated our 20th anniversary, we were at the beach.  Most of the time we just sit there and talk, play in the sand or go into the water...all typical beach-like things.  This year we added an activity - a beach scavenger hunt.  We split everyone into 5 teams and sent them off looking for items to collect or to take pictures of and we had until the next morning.  This ended up being fantastic I think a lot of the people enjoyed it because we had to do things that we might not have, thus getting everyone involved as well as provided some fantastic photos.  Add to that the level of wasn't by family - we were smart to really change it up - so at times it got intense, especially when it came to scoring at the end.

Here are some examples of the items we needed to find:
the list
me as a mermaid
my team's items (we lost)

the winning team's items

In the evening we celebrated with a 5 minute slide show of some of the great times we've had and also a coffee table book filled with lots of pictures.  Then we played Family Jeopardy.  I sent out a questionnaire for all family members to fill out and then I made 6 categories for each Jeopardy round filled with trivia questions about each person.  I wasn't sure the best way to execute it, so I set it up as a PowerPoint presentation with each slide representing a different question, then I needed a key to find the slide number for the category/amount the contestants selected.  The questions weren't just "which person's fear is X" but instead there were clues within the question to help solve it; it took a lot of research, but I thought it was worth it.  We hooked the computer up and projected it onto the wall so everyone could see.  Everyone appeared to like it and we all learned a lot about each other...even within our own families!  Even Final Jeopardy was a success.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Sister Love

I have three sisters - it made growing up even better to be part of a 'large' family.  Over the last 20 years, I've gained four other sisters that I love more than I can even describe.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Train & Maroon 5

I was so happy that the weather was perfect for the outdoor concert at Jones Beach to see Train and Maroon 5 at Nikon Jones Beach on Long Island.

Gavin DeGraw was supposed to open however a taxi hit him in New York City on Monday I he cancelled this performance and instead Matt Nathenson opened.  It took us two hours and forty five minutes to get from where I live to Jones we only saw about 3 songs.

Train came on first.  I actually saw Train about 11 years ago at Jones Beach when they opened for R.E.M. At that time I wasn't a huge fan...but I have remembered them over the years and was happy to see they have become 'popular'.  They put on a great stage performance.  He really got the audience involved.

for one song they have the lyrics on the screen which was really cool.

Maroon 5 came on next and they were all business.  Adam Levine is so good looking.  I am not normally into skinny guys...but Adam is adorable. 

Both groups played really well and I really enjoyed the show. 

When Train was performing...I was getting annoyed at the 10 girls (prob around 16 years old) that were behind me.  I didn't know if I realized I was 'old', but the 21 year old I was with was super annoyed too.  Apparently they were all drunk - they were caught with alcohol in the parking lot.  Some of their friends were in other seats somewhere else...but they decided they were going to stand on the stairs, sit on each others laps and kick our seat backs, intentionally scream in our ears, screaming the lyrics (i understand singing along...but this was horrible) etc.  We realized we couldn't continue sitting with them and actually enjoy our show.  Between the acts we ask one of the seater people if we can change seats, unfortunately they were sold out and instead they brought security over there...but since it was 'half time' they weren't being so obnoxious.  I was shocked with how lenient the security was with everyone on the stairs...since it is a fire hazard to sit on stairs and make it difficult to navigate through.  When Maroon 5 came on the girls were finally getting more tired since they can't hold their liquor - they were still annoying, but in a general concert way, not like before.

So I wonder...was it worth it?  I don't know if should really be seeing concerts since people annoy the crap out of me.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Vienna - how I love the fingers but hate the person

I've watched a few seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, maybe 4 of the 15.  While I think the concept could be good if it works, it also sucks for the other people who make it to the top 4...and I am not sure I like that they intentionally break people's hearts and mess around with them knowing they aren't the one.  Then again I am jaded because I've been cheated on and know how it feels to see someone you love pick someone else.

That aside, I recently saw my first episode of Bachelor Pad; where some participants live together in a house for a second chance at love with other 'losers' and to compete to win $250,000.  This sounds like it will be full of drama.

Vienna is back.  I like her short hair, but golly she isn't too attractive.  Apparently after her devastating breakup with Jake just last year she has fallen in love with Kasey - the crazy guy that got that tattoo about protecting Ali's heart.  So among the 18 participants is Vienna, Kasey and Jake.  I don't know what happened behind the scenes of Vienna & Jake that led them to breakup a year ago...but I have strong opinions after what I watched.

First, Vienna claims that she was so in love with Jake.  But yet she rebounded very quickly and is now in a serious 6 month relationship with Kasey.   Jake is not in a relationship and really claimed to love Vienna.  At this point alone I am on Jake's side...I mean, unless you are heartless and already cheating, you shouldn't be in love with someone else just mear months after a devastating breakup.

Second, Vienna is constantly whining...whether it is that she is 'scared' to be near Jake & her needing Kasey or just complaining how difficult this journey will be because Jake is there.   I was going to loose my marbles - I mean, there were other ex's there none of them were complaining half as much.  Why wasn't this bothering anyone else?  And don't sign up for a show that will capitalize on drama.

Third, Jake saves Vienna by giving her a rose, as a peace offering...and she listened to him apologize for his behavior and then bitched about how it meant nothing and that he is a jerk, and she is scared and a whole bunch of other crap.   

Fourth - during that apology/peace offering she is crying.  If she was really THAT upset by being in love with Jake, she wouldn't 1) be with Kasey and 2) be such a bitch to Jake.  Also, she is claiming that she is 'really' happy with Kasey and she didn't need to hear anything...but yet again, she is crying (why??) she must not be that happy or its all a game.  I think she is crazy and its all a show for publicity and to be 'famous'.

Finally - Imagine how Jake feels.  He was so in love (or so he claims) and she sold their story for thousands of dollars and someone else told him that she moved out.  Now he has to sit there and see Vienna with someone don't think that is hard for him?  You don't see him acting like a basket case lunatic.

I honestly don't think I'll be able to watch this show because of how much Vienna irked me.  Which is probably a good thing because I have a lot more better things to be doing than wasting my time on that crap.

I mean, I GET it.  I've been unbelievably heartbroken.  I've commented on my pains and struggles and how I've dealt with it.  I've cried...but I didn't bounce into a relationship and I didn't spread rumors that weren't true.  I continued to love someone and appreciated the apology.  I am older and mature - and no doubt a better maybe that is why things like this irk me so much.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A few of my FAVORITE things, part 4

HelluvaGood Dip - The year I discovered this dip (French Onion), I think I gained 10 pounds.
Hawaiian Tropic - What a fabulous smelling sun screen.  Additionally it gives me a great, even tan.  Someone recently said my tan didn't look like it was from the North East.

Trader Joe's Savory Thin Mini Edamame Crackers - I tried these for the first time in June and couldn't wait to get another bag.  At first they have a 'different' kind of taste (many people who I've let try spit it out), but that taste becomes addicting.  The small crackers are the right amount of crunch and the right amount of salt (or maybe a little too much).  I can't wait to get another few bags.
Nutella - The first time I had nutella it was in a crepe with bananas...I didn't like it.  Then I tried it a year or so later with strawberries and ice cream and I fell in love.  I bought a small container of it and started to spread in on cooked flour tortillas (my easy/cheap/no ingredient panini).  Costco sells two decent containers for like $8.50 so I just stocked up.

Wine bottle dresses - When I was in China, I  bought a few of these really cute dresses to go over wine bottles.  I love seeing these on my bookcase, not only does it remind me of my far away travels but also I love my orange dresses.  These made really cute gifts.  

The American President - so it might be strange that one of my favorite movies is The American President.  But Michael Douglas and Annette Bening are fantastic.  The storyline is rather simple but I like it.  I tend to alternate in throwing it in the DVD player when I need something in the background.


Sunday, August 7, 2011

Super small towns in America

Been busy.  Not much time to write now, but I did read this article on Mother Nature Network that I found interesting.  It is about REALLY small towns in the United States  Part of me wants to check them out just because.

Check out some of the other really interesting articles while you are on there.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Review: The Change-Up

About 4 years ago or so, SI and I were walking the streets of Manhattan and were invited to screen a movie for Smokin' Aces, so we ended up going.  I enjoyed it and decided to sign up for notification; since then I rarely attended since I didn't know anyone else in the city - I probably went to three.  At the end of July I was invited to screen The Change-Up with Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds.  I decided I wanted to go by myself...since I needed to fulfil my own quota for solo things this month.

Since I went by myself, I was able to get in line early, I was number 29...which meant that I got a decent seat - and read my book for about an hour.  At these events, they have the last row or two and the first few rows set aside for the public viewers...the rest of the rows are reserved for movie critics or people associated with the film.  I wish the people would seat the incomers because it was so annoying telling people that seats were taken or free..but I guess that is all part of it.  My seat neighbors on my left were a young lesbian couple who were so annoying. The more 'manish' of the two had her shoes off and her feet stunk, was sitting with her legs open so wide, and half the time her hand was either in her pants are right under the top part.  The 'girly' one was annoying with all her complaining and whining.  The girl on my right was alone and we spoke just a few can tell she was annoyed with some of the people too.

I saw previews of The Change-Up on TV and when I went to see Friends with Benefits just days before.  I have to be honest, even the preview didn't make me want to see this movie...but when I got the notice, I figured I needed a 'light' movie to laugh a bit.  And what is with Jason Bateman making a comeback (he was in Horrible Bosses; which I also saw this month) - sure he has had a bunch of small rolls...but two leads in a month?  Did you know he grew up in Rye NY? That is really close to me. I am getting off topic.

The movie starts - and what is great about a screening is there are no previews. As I am sure you have seen the know that Mitch (Ryan Reynolds) and Dave (Jason Bateman) piss in a fountain wishing for each other's lives; and very different lives they lead.  Dave is married with three kids and has a great job whereas Mitch is single and does not know much about responsibility and following through.  So like any typical switch-up movie, they freak out when they discover what happens, make a mess out of things while trying to adjust then figure out how to adjust and be proud of what they made of the other's lives - then have a moment of clarity at the same time to want their other life back. 

What I noticed almost immediately is how crooked Ryan Reynolds' bottom teeth are.  I kept looking at them.  What can I say - I value straight teeth.  I am not sure why people with money don't correct simple problems like can't be their trademark - well for him anyway!

So, the movie had some super unrealistic parts that made me appreciate it less...starting in the first 5 minutes when shit flys across and lands in a mouth through day 1 of the transformation when the new 'Dave' is dealing with his he picks them up & what the kids do on the counter through the whole movie...DISLIKED.   However, there were a few funny lines that I silently chuckled at.  I pictured my 13 year old nephew LOVING this movie...if he was allowed to see an R rated movie...because it is the kind of humor immature people find hilarious.

If I had to rate the movie I'd give it a 3 of 10; maybe?  I wrote about Horrible Bosses not long ago - about that I didn't really like it, but in comparison to this movie...I liked Horrible Bosses a lot better as it was funnier and a little more entertaining.

Apparently reading a pre-screening review from Matthew Fong who enjoyed the movie a lot...maybe it has something to do with being a guy.  Matt Gamble's review is more on my level...the movie which is rated R has a lot of just childish scenarios/gross out humor/pre-pubescent stuff.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Time for the dreaded DMV

A trip to the DMV is always an interesting adventure.  Although I switched my license over three years ago, I was up for renewal.  This time around an eye test was needed (you can submit results from eye doctor, but it must be with in 6 months), so I headed over to one of the NYC express locations.  There were a lot of people waiting, but I was able to go in and get my ticket number with out waiting; ticket B358 I look at the board they were on B317 - I had a lot of time to wait.  I head over to the next counter for a picture and eye exam, no line here either.  I was surprised they asked if I wanted my picture taken.  It was a heat have and my hair was a bit 'big' but I decided I should have a new picture anyway - as I am aging, I think it would be a better representative of who I currently am, big hair or not.  I think that should be mandatory.  I've been lucky, I've only had three pictures on my licenses and I've looked great in all of if this is my first bad picture, so be it (and since I plan on moving in the next 8 years...I'll have a new picture taken at that time).  My current picture is from when I was around 28 and if my new license is valid for eight years...I'll resemble my 28 year old youth at 40...but no doubt I'll look a bit different.  So far this process has taken me all of 8 minutes. 

2011 - 2019
 I move over to the vestibule area (where there is probably only seating for about 15 people) and stand reading my book for 55 more minutes.  Or I try to read...there is so much noise.  The interesting people coming in, the screaming baby, the toddlers running around in circles around me, the people who keep getting told to not sit on the counters, etc.  Finally my number is called and I go to the counter.  I hand the man my paperwork, he tells me I owe $80.40 and then prints out a temporary license.  That part took about 2 minutes.  Total was 10 minutes of 65.  55 minutes to wait just to pay and have something printed?  That seems so inefficient.  Why can't more people take picture and administer eye exams and just take the money?

I am OK with my new picture...sure it isn't the best, but compared to so many other people's? It does look like me, just with big uneven hair.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

my first flat

Last night my sister & I went to see Crazy, Stupid, Love.  It was OK. We get back in my car so I can drop her off at home but hear this noise.  I pull over thinking I just need to restart my car - that the gears weren't lined up.  But, that didn't help.  We drive another half a mile or so and I say "hmm..I wonder if it is a flat tire" so my sister hops out of the car at a red light and was like 'yeah it is really flat' and gets back in. I continue to drive wondering if I can make it to her house but she said no, it was like the rim was on the ground...'super flat'. 

I pull over and take everything out of the trunk.  I am trying to remember the lesson my dad gave me when I turned 16 since I owned a car - I needed to learn how to change a tire.  I open the secret floor to get the donut. It takes us like 3 minutes to figure out how to get it out.  We try to get the jack out - but I couldn't.  I didn't know who my local phone a friend would I call my parents house and my Dad said he'd be there in a few minutes (thank goodness we were close).  I didn't want to just wait for my father - I wanted to do most of this by myself, so we continue.  We find this little bag with two tools in I get started on taking off the hub cap.  My sister starts reading the owner's manual/floor panel for directions on removing the jack.  I am wondering the logic behind man's design - surely some lunatic out there decided that its a 'man's job' to do something like this, and if a woman wanted to attempt it she'd pay the price.  So they make it difficult to remove the jack, so some strange man will ask if they need help.  They take it because, well - having a stranger help you is less costly than a tow truck or whatever.  The woman then falls prey to the man that will attack her somehow (rape, murder, assault, robbery).   I have quite an imagination and I don't trust strangers...anyway back to what happened.

Next I'm trying to get the bolts off.  Holy crapola were those stuck on.  It took a lot of work, but I got finally got one off.  I tell my sister to get my camera and to take pictures since this is the first time we are doing this.  I am building up a sweat getting those little bolts off, but I manage to get another three off.  One left and my Dad pulled up.  He took over and got the jack out (I forgot to watch to see how he did it) and put it under the car and lifted it up.  He also showed us a way to get the bolts off without killing our backs by using our foot.  We changed the tire, and I lower the jack.  I wanted a group picture of us near my tire...but sister didn't get the angle right and my Dad was getting a little cranky.

My sister and I had a lot of fun with this. Sure it was like 9:15 - 9:50 pm...but what else can you do when something like this happens? I've learned just to go with it. No point in getting all upset or annoyed; it is what it is.  As we were leaving my dad said I could cross this off my bucket list (he thinks its funny I have one)...this wasn't on there...but I am happy I actually had the opportunity to do it.

Those bolts were on tight

Struggling to get the bolts off

stretching so I don't pull anything else (I already have a bad wrist this week) so I can continue to loosen bolts

Yeah, I finally got one bolt off!! I am so proud of myself!

Getting the donut ready

it's a dirty process

Monday, August 1, 2011

Good Luck Denise

In 2007, Good Luck Chuck hit the theaters.  While I am not a Dane Cook or Jessica Alba fan - the premise of the movie is worth noting today.  In order to keep the woman of his dreams from falling for another guy, Charlie Logan has to break the curse that has made him wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love.

I don't sleep around as much as Chuck does, not even close!  However, I think I am that girl that makes guys realize that they want more; just not with me.  It all started with Cop #1; while our relationship was physically intense it didn't have a long term future - but I didn't realize it at the time.  I was young, I thought I might be falling in love or at least lust.  I didn't realize what was in store for me...but when he strung me around for another year, he ended up dating the girl that would become his wife. 

There was Cop#2 after, but I have no idea what happened to him.

Then SI...I'll be honest, I have no idea what the true story is...but we dated, he has an affair - and is at least engaged to the other woman...he probably married her, or maybe not. Either way...he would rather of married her than me  :(

After SI, I tried to have sex with 'skeevy'.  I only did this to help move on...people say to get over someone, you need to get under someone else.  It was utterly disgusting.  yuck.  We remained friends for a while, and he met this girl and they have been dating for about 18 months now. 

Then there was Doofy.  A month after Mexico, he began dating some girl, and they were together for at least 10 months...they might still be togehter for all I know...but I am not sure. If they are, it would be 14 months.

Bank Boy...he seems to be the only one not fitting into this trend yet...but then again he is still obsessed.

Then there is HSK.  We were having fun but then  he stops talking to me...claiming he was more interested in pursing casual sex - and thought I wanted more so he just ended it.  He wanted to sleep around, not be tied down.  Now, 2 1/2 months later, his FB status is 'in a relationship'.

Amazing how I have the power to get men to settle down with women...but only after they leave me missing out on what I want most.  Sure, some of these guys I didn't want a relationship with but I am left wondering - what is wrong with  me? Clearly they liked something about me enough to realize having a relationship might be nice...but with someone else.

Hopefully my curse will break and the next guy I meet will result in a real relationship.