Monday, April 30, 2012

the other path

I saw the 5 Year Engagement with Jason Seigel.  It was decent enough, but what I wanted to relate it to was my relationship with SI.  There were two people that seemed perfect for each other but life's turns made a relationship difficult and they split up.  They dated other people.  And when life's turns started changing, they sought each other out again.  That is what I thought SI and I were supposed to do four years ago.  I wanted to give him time to do what he had to do, but instead, he never came back to me.  I think it was more of a pride thing and facing reality of my family and me and what he put us through.  It would have been worth it, if it worked.  However, please note that that is NOT the life I would want now.  I liked our relationship...but him...I would never put myself in that position again.

SI stopped reading my blog a month or two ago...or he stopped working where I knew he used to work, one or other other.  It upset me a little knowing that his time is better spent on someone more important than to keep up with my life.  But I can't blame him - I wouldn't be able to hear about his life with out getting upset because I have no doubt that the last 5 years of his life has been drastically better than mine.

It is sad after all this time, he still pops into my thoughts.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

this blur of life

I fear another dap of depression is kicking in.  You'd think that things have been going OK with me the last few months - that I'd be happy - but I am not.  Is it hormonal? Is it stress?  Is it chemical?  Is it disappointment?

I have my 'tool box' of things I've learned over the last year of life coaching - and while it is good stuff, it is stuff that when I am laying on the couch doing nothing, it not motivation for me wanting to be happy. 

I am tried of living in this blur of life, constantly waiting for the next chapter or the next thing to look forward to.  I am not content here - and keep wishing my life away with things that may or may not come. 

I am still not ready for medication - although my primary care phsyican recommended it - because I don't want it to be a band-aid, a temporary fix.  I want to kick the depression completly without medication.

All I can hope for is that each round of depression I will have will get shorter and shorter and that the time between get longer and longer.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

falling down

Reader, I am sorry to say that I did it again.  Even with all my past experience, and lessons I thought I'd learned, I still did it.  Shame on me.

Things with ManFriend were going well.  I mean, I actually at times, thought that maybe I could like him.  I know things are missing - but for the most part, I was tolerating the stuff that was lacking.  And some days I felt more connected than others.  Part of me wanted to like him more, but I was scared...I mean, I haven't liked anyone since SI and that was so long ago.  I have tried really hard in the last six years to not get hurt like that again, and how do I do that? Well, I shut people out and I didn't date.  This sorta dating thing was a big deal for me - it was time to get back into the groove and build my confidence and hopefully at some point, be in a full-fledged relationship.

My problem arose from my bad past relationships. I've been hurt more than anyone should have been - not once but twice with the second time being so unnecessarily brutal, that I was not sure if I could ever recover.  A lot was riding on this sorta-relationship.

So it really upset me that just two weeks ago, ManFriend told me he missed me when we didn't see each other for a week, and now we've let almost two weeks pass without seeing each other AND there was a huge lack of talking in between.  When he came back from his trip, he barely reached out to me. I had to ask if he wanted to get together, and he was a little wishy-washy about a date.  I knew from the past that I shouldn't have to chase a man, if he wants to see me then...he'll ask to see me. My problems in the past, I wonder if it was because I was up their butts all the time that maybe I was overbearing, so this time around, I am trying to play it cool - but don't forget this sorta relationship is cool too. 

Where did I go wrong?  Well, I believed him when he told me he missed me a few weeks ago and wanted to hang out more, even take a trip somewhere.  I thought maybe this sorta-relationship might actually become more than a secret.  But it must have just been him being horny.  And unfortunately once I had it in my head I wanted a relationship - I wanted a relationship. 

So, my advice to all the guys out there is -- do not tell girls things in the moment that you don't really believe. Because we think about what you said, and we become hopeful and look forward to it, and then you crush us.  BUT, it could all have been avoided if you didn't say anything. I was FINE when you didn't say anything, I was content.  I wasn't looking for more than you were offering - but once you offered it I wanted it. I can't go back.

It got me thinking - I WANT a relationship.  A real one.  I am not fine with seeing someone once a week. I am not fine with just hanging out at their apartment. I am not fine with no cuddling. I am not fine with no sleep overs. I am not fine with doing it once.  I am not fine with paying for the dinners.  I am not fine with not following through.  I am not fine with lies. I am not fine with saying things and filling my head with ideas when you don't mean it. 

That last one is the biggest for me.  SI did that to me all the time - talk about emotionally damaging (after 5 years).  I can't deal with it anymore.

This week when I didn't hear from him, it upset me and I tried a different approach to get his attention and then he got pissed.  When we saw each other it was awkward - he was mad at my immature attitude and I was mad that I was neglected.  So we had a very brief discussion - but because our issues were on different things - I don't think it will help.  So then we tried to kiss and make up...but that was a disaster. I asked afterwards if our time has ended - and he didn't reassure me not, but also didn't reassure me that things will be fine.

I am torn between ending it and just waiting it out.  I am not sure I can get over this.  And, on top of it - when I was there, he got a text message from a woman that said something like "call me soon, I miss your sexy voice" and something else I don't remember.  So even though just two weeks ago he told me he wasn't dating anyone else - that fits more in line with all the 'evidence' I have seen in the last few months (2 wine glasses, seeing each other once a week, etc).

I want to cry - not because this is over. not because I am sad about it. I am just so frustrated with everything.  I don't know how I am the unluckiest person in love.  My time is coming though, I know it is. I just have to make it there.

In the mean time, I know I have to stick to my gut - take no BS from any guy, don't accept vague answers, and be brave enough end things when the time is right.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Cinema Suites

Living in New York could be expensive - rent, groceries, paying to park everywhere, etc. How else can you compare cost of living across the country?  Let's look at movie prices.

A price of a movie is generally $12, $19 for 3D, and $6-$9.50 for a matinee. We are talking about a regular movie theater or maybe, if the theater is newer - stadium seating.  Sometimes you can find 'director's seating' where you have an assigned larger seat, but that is about the only difference - and is it worth the extra few dollars?

When I was visiting a friend in the Midwest, the weather was crappy so we decided to go to a movie.  While it was an AMC theater (one I frequent regularly at home), they had this other type of theater called the Cinema Suites.  Check it out:
Talk about cozy!  The seats had a foot rest that comes out so you can stretch out, and from all the seats you are able to see the screen really well.  The seating is limited and assigned when you purchase the tickets - so with popular movies you should definitely purchase the tickets before you leave the house to help prevent the movie from selling out.
You didn't have to worry one bit about the person's head in front of you, or getting up if someone needed to visit the restroom or concession stand.  The seats were comfortable.  You get all this for $12 or $9 for an early showing.  So I was curious, how much was a regular theater in the same city in the Midwest (something more typical of where I live) and the ticket was $6 or only $4 for a matinee.

Now let's talk about movie theater food - the nicer places by me offer a variety of food & drinks.  No more just popcorn, candy and soda.  Now they offer nachos, hot dogs, coffee and a few other things.   Everything comes in different sizes and prices could range from a small popcorn at $5 to a large at $10, drinks averaging about $5.50 and honestly I am not sure how much candy, coffee or food goes for...but I figured why would I want to eat a hot dog or subpar food at the movies?

The Cinema Suites has a menu by your seat - and a call button to call over a server to take your order.  They had aside from the popcorn, candy and soda - specialty alcoholic drinks, beer (buckets, pitchers or bottles), appetizers, meals and desserts.  Apparently the food is actually really good too.

I had an iced tea and split the veggie hummus platter.  The drink was $4.50 and the hummus platter was about $9. 

What a fantastic experience.  I really enjoy going to the movies and there is no doubt that I'd go to more movies with all these luxuries.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Important enough

So my first day of work, I am talking with my supervisor, and he hands me some papers and then a box.  I was shocked that he handed me my own business cards.  He not only pre-ordered them so I'd have them on my first day, but thought I was going to be important enough to need business cards.  I've never had personalized business cards.

I also received a work laptop.  The laptop hooks up to the monitor/keyboard while in the office, and then should I need to travel or work from home, I have the tiny laptop with access to all the work stuff without having to go through a site like logmein.

AND, on top of all of that, on my third day of work, I was informed my Blackberry was ready...what? A work phone? I don't want one of those...constant contact with clients and coworkers? They didn't mention that in the interview, hopefully it won't be all that often because I need to focus on my personal life and this whole 'my family' thing, and while work is important, so is my after-work life. 

Monday, April 16, 2012

My new space

It is hard to adjust to a new space.  My old office - yes, that is right -- office, was small but with a window and a door.  I was not sure what kind of new work space my new job would provide me.

I was not shocked that I didn't have my own office, but a cube instead.  Although, a cube suggests four work areas...where I don't quite have that.  This work area was actually a little bigger than some of the other ones on the floor.
Although this is a bit temporary...our offices are actually moving in a few months.

He missed me

I went away for 2 days - and when I returned, my ManFriend told me that he missed me.  I thought that was really cute.  I have not been sure what I am in - is it casual? is it a relationship?

I brought over wine and we had a bottle then we went out to get another - at which he becomes a little chatty and again informs me that he missed me and he'd like to not only see me a little more, but would actually like to have dates (instead of sitting in his apartment).  I did ask him if he was dating someone else - to which he finally said no, which made me happy.

Now let's see if he actually follows through with all his verbalized thoughts or if he will disappoint me.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

A Nice Restroom

Who designs public restrooms?  I am so tired of walking into this decent size room that has really small stalls...When I walk into a stall and I have to scoot around the toilet just to close the door, and worry that my leg pant will pick up urine - the stall is too small.  And why is this?  The 'lobby' of the bathroom is usually quite roomy, and it could easily be reduced to make your personal time in the stall more enjoyable.

There have been a few public restrooms that I have really liked - They usually are a bit roomier and have full length doors.  Here is an example from the bathroom at the Inn at the Biltmore Estate.

The only thing that needed improvement in the restroom was since the doors are full length you can't check underneath to see if it is taken, nor do you want to knock on the door - and bother the lady inside.  What needs to be done is similar to the airplane - when you lock the door, it says 'occupied'.

My restroom experience was much more pleasant and I was able to take my time and do what needed to be done, in such a nice environment.  Why can't more bathrooms look like this?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Bunny Cupcakes

The Food Network featured these cupcakes - and we thought they were so cute we wanted to make something similar.
Food Network

These are mine -- my local CVS didn't have the chick peeps, just the regular, and I didn't have the need to make the egg, since I didn't have a chick.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Kiefer Sutherland

I really enjoyed the TV show 24.  I didn't actually watch it when it was on TV, but I rented them from my local library last year and watched them all very quickly.   I am talking about a whole season in one weekend - obsessed.  I loved the action, the drama and the small twists - even though it was so unrealistic (all the chases, shootings in public, and rarely getting injured).

While the show became highly predictable, I kept watching Kiefer Sutherland run around saving the world, sounding like he was out of breath from all the activity.  It fit his character; he was very stressed for those 24 hours at a time.

Recently I started to watch Touch.  I really loved the pilot episode and looked forward to the regular season.  This too is somewhat similar every week - with Kiefer Sutherland's character trying to figure out what his son is communicating to him and how he interprets it and follows the clues.  Decent enough.

But what I don't understand is that Kiefer's voice still sounds so out of breath.  It must just be his speech pattern or he needs to start exercising so he can say more words in a sentence. It is starting to bother me.

2016 Update:  Kiefer is now the Designated Survivor...and since I've only seen the first episode, which is filled with drama - I am giving this Kiefer show a go.  I didn't notice with his voice that would deter me from watching; I hope it is great.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Wrapping Up

Wrapping up work was time consuming.  I was putting in an extra hour or two the last week I was there - trying to do things months away plus all the regular work in order to make the transition a little easier for whomever was going to take my place.

Since I didn't give a lot of notice, they were still in the interviewing process, which means I had to show a co-worker what I did and then she'd show my replacement. I was writing down all my procedures for my day to day activities, showing her, explaining things, and still cramming in as much as I could.  I was stressing myself out more than I should have, and all my work was going unnoticed - making me question why I was helping them out so much, when clearly they didn't care much for me.

I told my clients a bit late of my departure, but they were all very supportive, knowing I was destined for something better.

Hopefully I can start to think about my future employment soon - and start to become excited about it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

More waiting, the call and the offer

As the human resource person contacted my references, I continued to wait and wait.  I knew it wouldn't be an issue, because they all agreed to be a reference, and with that I was 99% sure they would say something great about me.

But, I messed up.  I had one wrong digit of a phone number of a reference - and when the HR lady called about it, I went into panic.  How bad was that mistake going to affect me?  I responded with
"How embarrassing, the phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx". 

I am not sure which references the HR lady spoke to, but I do know that one of my references was about to go away, and emailed her a letter and that she spoke to at least one other person.

After about 3 days, she called to let me know I made it to step 4 - the education verification.  I was confused, I don't know anyone that has verified education.  It was a I knew not to expect to hear back for a few days, but I was running into the time-crunch issue where I had a meeting with a client approaching, and I knew that my future company was having a meeting - and when they got back to me, was I going to be able to make it to the new job in time for that meeting? 

As I was preparing for my work trip, I received a call Tuesday afternoon offering me the position.   I double checked the dates and if I wanted to start working to be there for that meeting at the new place, I had to give my notice at my job that same day.  I typed up something really fast - and headed into the owner's office to tell her I was resigning.  I have dreaded that moment for 4 years - but it was surprisingly quick - I think she was more annoyed that I only gave two weeks for my position and that I didn't warn them I was looking.

Anyway, back to the offer - I was stressed out at work, and while I was super happy they finally called and I had a definitive answer, I wouldn't really even think about negotiating the salary.  The salary they offered me was my minimum on my cover letter - so it was something that I knew I could work with, and it is $20,000 more than I made last January (2011), and $10,000 more than I make now.  I would have liked a little bit more, like if they offered me another 2,000 over my minimum stated price, but it is what it is, my fault for not being assertive enough.

But I also looked at the benefits package, and it seemed just as good/better than I do now. I was most concerned with not loosing my 3 weeks vacation that I have accumulated over the last 6 years - and this new job offers 18 starting after 3 full months, not a big deal, and the medical coverage is equivalent. 

Monday, April 2, 2012

The Thank You

I struggled with the idea that I should send via email a thank you letter.  I would rather send a nice letter on nice paper that matches my resume and references.  However, if I were to do that, then I would loose those valuable days when my person would have received it and I could not guarantee that person would actually receive the mail. This was not an option.

On my train ride home, the first thing I did was take out paper and wrote everything I could remember about what I talked about with each person. Were they curious about something? Were they worried about something? Did they stress something? Did you get a weird feeling when something came up and you wanted to clarify it? I didn't use a very basic thank you...I spent about an hour writing the thank you letters - and each was different but somewhat similar. I was very happy with the result, and I felt like it was very easy to write because I had a good understanding of the job and I know my skills...I just needed to finish selling myself.

Out of the people I interviewed with, I received business cards from all but one. That one person was important and needed a thank you too - so I looked it up online to be sure they knew just how interested I was.