this blur of life

I fear another dap of depression is kicking in.  You'd think that things have been going OK with me the last few months - that I'd be happy - but I am not.  Is it hormonal? Is it stress?  Is it chemical?  Is it disappointment?

I have my 'tool box' of things I've learned over the last year of life coaching - and while it is good stuff, it is stuff that when I am laying on the couch doing nothing, it not motivation for me wanting to be happy. 

I am tried of living in this blur of life, constantly waiting for the next chapter or the next thing to look forward to.  I am not content here - and keep wishing my life away with things that may or may not come. 

I am still not ready for medication - although my primary care phsyican recommended it - because I don't want it to be a band-aid, a temporary fix.  I want to kick the depression completly without medication.

All I can hope for is that each round of depression I will have will get shorter and shorter and that the time between get longer and longer.