not on the same page

I am so out of sync with my guy.  I really enjoy our time away on trips and even local hikes/events, but the time at home is a constant struggle.  Our communication is not easy anymore.  I guess we think differently, not just the big things, but the small ways we think and process information - and it is exhausting.  Constantly feeling like we need to defend or justify what we are saying and not trying to hurt the other person's feelings.

Unfortunately, the frequency of this is becoming more than I think I can handle, or want to deal with and that is a hard realization.  Is that what I really want? Or is this something we can work through?  Is it something we will figure out  - or is it something that will always be a struggle?

Life isn't all bad of course.  Today for instance I was having a weird feeling / off day and I don't know why.  I casually mentioned it to my man, and an hour later he shows up at my job to give me hug.  That is over 40 minutes in the car for him round trip and a 10 minute hug/talk with me.  Really sweet.  I am not sure if I felt better afterwards, but his kind gesture was very touching and it meant a lot to me.   But that changed when I got home after a late night work meeting and we started to talk about our day and work and everything else.  Just not on the same page.

And worse, I keep laughing.  Not because it is funny.  But because it is sad and uncomfortable.  I think it is crazy that we have to analyze and repeat what we say hoping the other person will see it from our point of view.   I am constantly back and forth....it can work...it can't work.

county health service - STI testing

Before the booty text, I made an appointment for a STI screening with the local health services department, thinking that since the guy took off his condom the first time...I needed to be sure I was ok.  They were able to get me in the following morning.  Hours later I go and have sex again with the guy, figuring if I contracted anything, it probably would have been from the first time, well, provided he didn't sleep with other people since then.  Don't lecture me.

Point is it is smart to get tested, and frequently.

My appointment was for 9am but they asked me to get there at 8:15 to fill out paperwork.  I arrived, filled out an orange check in card and had a seat until I was called.  I went to a check in desk and verbally provided information, supplied my photo id and then signed and filled out about 10 sheets of paper.  Consent forms, disclosure forms, financial information, medical history forms, emergency contact form, etc.  When I was done, I was brought into an exam room for height, weight, blood pressure and then escorted to the bathroom to pee in a cup and then told to wait until I was called.  I waited about 15-20 minutes and met with the midwife.  She reviewed my paperwork, asked questions and I confirmed why I was there.  We went over possible tests and I asked about incubation times for the infections.  She explained that they use a sliding scale for testing and services.  I started to wonder...oh, how much will I have to pay for this? Yikes.  In NY this was a free service.  The midwife then supplied me with a vaginal swab and a breast gown.  She left the room and I was to collect my own vaginal sample with the supplied equipment.  I read the instructions twice.  I pulled down my pants, unwrapped the swab, stuck the swab in and moved it all around for 30ish seconds.  Removed, opened the tube with liquid, inserted stick breaking off the top and closed the lid.  Pulled up my pants and then took off my top and bra so she can give me a breast exam.  When that was all done they collected a little blood for the syphilis test.  I was brought to the checkout/financial area.  They gal provided an invoice based on the sliding scale.  My jaw dropped, $274.  Yikes.  Was it worth it?  But then I realized, I owned nothing...because I make nothing.  It was free for me.  8:15 am - 9:40 am.  Not bad.

Compared to the NY site, this site was more efficient, friendly, they didn't belittle me with my sexual past, was not as confidential, and is more of a doctor's office than just a walk-in clinic. I did not get a bag full of free condoms, although I think there were some on the wall.

When I get health insurance...I probably won't go back to the county department since I'll have found doctors and have some of these services covered.

short layover leads to asthma

With the inclement weather around the Thanksgiving holiday, JetBlue was kind enough to reschedule my flight for free, but that meant I would have a 45 minute layover in Boston.  I hate layovers, especially with really tight connections.

My flight was due to depart at 11:20 pm and while it was a full flight, we all boarded relatively fast and I was moved to row 1, which was great because I knew I needed to be out of the plane quickly since boarding will have already begun for my next flight by the time we land.  But we ended up needing to be de-iced before we could take off.  I knew as I was siting there that we were going to be late.  I looked at my departing gate and the gate were were due to arrive at, and it was only a 4 gates away, maybe it won't be so bad. Nothing I could I do, so I attempted to rest/sleep.

Our scheduled landing time was 5:08 am and my flight was departing at 5:48 am.  It was already 5:32 am by the time we landed.  I walked my NY fast walk out of the jetway, and we were at/around C17, my next plane was departing from C32.  Any idea how far away that is?  I don't, but it was far.  The monitors said 'closing'.  I was half running and half heeling over to breathe through the terminal, past security through the second part of the terminal.  I was so glad I wasn't carrying my luggage with me, that would have slowed me down even more...but wondered if my luggage would make it to my next flight.  Shin splints were starting to kick in.  It hurt to move. I wanted to stop, I wanted to pass out.  I wanted to get home and see my family.  I kept running/jogging/walking fast.

I arrived at my gate. The door was still open.  I handed the lady at the desk my ticket and I am bending over trying to catch my breath, I can't.  I almost told her to call for a medic thinking I was having a heart attack. My chest hurt.  I couldn't breathe.  I felt dizzy.  The lady tells me that they didn't think I was going to make it they were about to close the door and I told her I ran from the complete farthest part of that terminal and I was happy I made it.  But I am thinking, doesn't those computers talk to each other?  Doesn't it say that I had a connecting flight and my flight landed...and if I landed before they took off, wouldn't they wait a few minutes for me instead of putting me on standby on another flight?  A few minutes pass and she is now scanning my ticket to let me on the plane.  And two or three guys come running up.  I ask if there were on the same flight as me, they were.  So there are four of us, at least...even more reason for the computers to talk to each other.

I board the plane, and it was nice, just walking right on, even if everyone was staring at me because I was the last on (I wasn't) and my face was probably a little red and sweaty from the running.  I tell the airline attendant there were a few people behind me and I find my seat, an isle next to a mom and her grown kid.  I sit down, attempt to drink my water and I am coughing like crazy. I can't catch my breath.  I put my arms over my head. I look to see if there was a puke bag that maybe I can breathe into.  I continue to cough for the first 25 minutes of the 40 minute flight.  I realize I am wheezing. Finally, when I sort of have my breath enough to talk, I turn to my fellow isle passengers and inform them I am not sick, I just ran far to catch the plane, I didn't want them to be nervous about my constant coughing and heavy breathing right before Thanksgiving.

The wheezing continued for 2 days.  It was a nasty wheeze, I know because I made sure all of my family heard it!

I know I am not active and out of shape, but I was very surprised that intense 5-8 minute run/walk resulted in me finding out I have exercise induced asthma.

Review: NYS Department of Health Free STD Clinic

I figured I should probably get an STD check.  Last June I had one done after I found out ManFriend was with someone else after he moved and thankfully, I was OK for the 3 tests they ran.  So it was just the matter of Mountain Man, Cop#1 and the one night stand to worry about.

Two weeks ago I discovered the NYS Department of Health's FREE clinic.  And since I am so broke, I figured I should go there, it would save me an office visit of about $70 plus all the lab tests, which I think when I got it done last year was about $100-200.  What is even better it is walk-in, so I didn't have to schedule an appointment.

When I got there, I had to fill out a form.  The form had your standard information, name, age, address, email, questions why you are there, etc.  Each form has a number on it.  When the nurse is ready for you, they call out the number, not your name.  I spoke with a nurse who asked about any symptoms, the number of men I was with in the last three months, total number of men, last date of period, if I used protection, etc.  I was then given a new number and asked to wait in the waiting area.

When the  new number was called, I was brought into an exam room with two nurses. They asked me a few questions about my history and told me the importance of using condoms.  They left while I removed my pants, panties, socks and shoes.  When they came back in, they first looked the skin all over my body for rashes or bumps or whatever else.  Then it was time for the vaginal exam, which almost the same procedure as the pap, with a little scraping of the insides and then a feel of the uterus.  They left to bring the dish down to the lab and peered through the microscope while I got redressed and waited in the room.  Within minutes, they came back and told me some results, others would not be ready for about 2 weeks.  I was then asked to return back to the waiting area.

My number was called again and this time I went to the lab where I had a vial of blood taken and a finger prick.  Then I headed back to the waiting room.

15 minutes later my number was called again and I went into another room with another nurse to review the HIV test.  She was more than happy to print out the results, and then she gave me a goodie bag of 26 condoms to get me started.

2 hours later I walked out of the clinic.

So, it was free....but it took 2 hours, and they weren't busy.  If there were more people there I can't imagine how long I would have been there.

The nurses were all so nice and made me feel comfortable.  The front desk and 'security' person were rude and nasty.

Now I have to wait about 2 weeks before I go back for the results of the remaining 4 tests.  Overall, I thought the state health department did a really great job; very through (way more through then my other STD tests).

The rest is on me...to start enforcing condom use or perhaps refrain from sex all together.

feeling a little funny

It's been three weeks since I started getting these weird symptoms.  I had a week 'break' and then this past week a different set of symptoms have appeared, but with the multi-day low grade fever present again.

I normally hate baths - I get so bored and antsy.  The last few days I have been taking an Epsom Salt bath and I have to say how relaxing it was, I didn't want to get out.  During my bath, I thought a little about ManFriend and his illness.  How he knew his body so well that went to the doctor when something didn't feel right, but getting the news there was nothing to do, a 3 month deadline on life.

My mind started to wander, as it normally does, and I started to think that would I want to know if I was very ill or how much time I had left?  Should I be concerned with my strange symptoms?  And right now, with where I am in my life, I wouldn't.  I probably wouldn't go to the doctor right away, I probably wouldn't fight to live a little bit longer...for what?  However, I understand why so many people do, those people with families and loved one, of course they'd want to spend all the time with them as possible.

December, January and the beginning of March were very stressful months for me.  It is very possible that stress is the reason for how I've been feeling lately.  I suppose only time will tell if that is the reason or not. I've written down my health issues, just in case it gets to the point where I speak to a doctor, but I am not too worried yet, our bodies are generally really good about fighting things off.  We'll see what the next few weeks hold and if I have to keep wasting a few weekends not leaving the house and just resting...so be it.  But at this time, I am not worried about it being anything 'major' at all.

hot water and soap

My grandmother is kinda gross...she doesn't realize it, but to everyone else, we see it.  She is such a wonderful and sweet lady, but in her old age, she is getting worse and worse about taking care of herself properly.  Although it started quite a few years ago, to the point that I think I try to embed it in me to wash myself well and take care of myself so I won't end up like her.

I try to go over there often enough...I was striving for once a month, but you know, life gets in the way so sometimes I miss a month or two.  When I go over I always buy food or take her out to dinner.  I bring my own water bottle, I don't use the bathroom unless it is an emergency, and sometimes I bring my own utensils.  She loves Chinese food almost as much as me, so most of the time that is what we have, so I don't have to feel bad not using her fork because I use chopsticks.  It has been working out just fine for the last 10 years.

This past time however, I was sidetracked by the Cablevision man, my brother-in-laws's mother and my uncle.  We were slow to eat our Chinese food, and after the Cablevision technician left, Grandma took out some apple pie.  It was store bought, so I ate it a little of it with a fork.

The next morning I woke up and my throat felt funny...it wasn't sore yet, but I worried it was going to be.  Damn apple pie.

Last July, my sister had strep throat and was over.  We threw all our dishes in the dishwasher to make sure the germs were killed.  A few days later I had strep throat.  I was so careful not to get her germs...but it turned out I emptied the half-full dishwasher of dirty dishes.  They didn't look dirty because my mother practically washes the dishes before they go in the dishwasher and I could have sworn I saw her turn it on that night.  I learned then about germs staying on forks and cups and plates even longer than I realized.

So it was no surprise to me that the fork I used to eat the apple pie had germs.  She probably just rinsed the fork, without soap or in cold water, and put it away.  Grandma and I never have dessert, since she is diabetic, I won't want to be responsible for her sugar...but this particular night, she had left overs from a lunch she threw with her sisters the day before.

Next time I am taking her for Sushi.  She's never had it and well, I can't risk accidentally risk getting sick from her lack of cleaning.

the secret to my happiness

My mother keeps telling me how happy I seem in the last month or two.  She said I got my spark back.

At first I thought this was because ManFriend is out of my life; and while that did play a small part of my happiness, it wasn't the only reason.

This might not come as a shock to you, but vitamin D is important to our bodies.  It is responsible for maintaining normal blood levels of calcium and phosphorous, calcium absorption, modulation of cell growth, reduction of inflammation, protection from high blood pressure and cancer.

Vitamin D is found in cod liver oil, egg yolk, milk, fatty fish, cheese, liver, oysters, caviar, tofu, soy milk, salami, sausage, ham,  mushrooms and of course the sun's rays.

Most of the population has a vitamin D deficiency because we are mostly inside - we go from our homes to cars/transportation to work, back again and our diets aren't as good as they once were.  The normal level of vitamin D in adult women should be 30 - 100 ng/mL.  Last year, my blood test came back with a 7 ng/mL.

Tests: (1) Vitamin D25-OH,Total (VitD)
  1Vit D 25 Total      [L]  7 ng/mL                     30-100

My doctor didn't tell me to do anything about this and I had other issues with him, so this past year I changed doctors.  If I change doctors, it is mandatory to get a physical, so I did; my vitamin D was still low, but higher than the last two years, at 18 ng/mL. The first thing my new doctor did was give me a super high dose of vitamin D; she said my 7 was the lowest number she's ever seen/heard of.  For 12 weeks, I had to take one pill of 50,000 ng/mL a week.  It worked, my most recent blood test came back normal.

Tests: (2) Vitamin D25-OH Total (VitD)
  1Vit D 25 Total           42 ng/mL                    30-100

It isn't a coincidence that my happiness is back and my vitamin D levels are normal.  I've had 'seasonal depression' (seasonal affective disorder) for as long as I could remember. I love the spring, summer and beginning of the fall.  Once the winter comes and it gets dark and dreary, I hibernate and I am sad, grumpy, unmotivated, sluggish, depressed and have minimal energy.  It isn't in my head either, with my life coach, I've tracked my moods over the last 3-4 years.

Light therapy is one of the ways to treat seasonal affective disorder, but why use artificial light? I mean, I guess it is just because we don't get enough natural light in the winter...but why not just increase vitamin D?

It was like when I was a migraine sufferer, you get so used to having it, that is becomes part of you.  Then when you 'fix' your issues, and you get it again, you realize how debilitating it is and wonder how you dealt with it or 10+ years.  This is the same for my vitamin D deficiency, I am not sure how long exactly I've been deficient, it wasn't tested more than 4 years ago, but for the last 4 years I've been quite below the 'normal' level.

I am not saying that lack of sun is the only reason I was depressed, but I think it says a lot that my vitamin D level is now normal and I am happier.  I feel great right now and I am even sleeping better.

I will be sure to get vitamin D tested about every 6 months for a while until I know I am OK, because odds are that my levels will go back down because I am no longer on the supplement, I don't eat a lot of egg yolk, cheese or fatty fish because I am trying to loose weight (and I won't eat mushrooms or liver, and I have a hard time digesting lactose so I very rarely have milk) and I don't get enough sun (but yet now that I am older...I don't want a lot of sun either: burns, wrinkles and risk of skin cancer) and I also have a liver thing going on right now, so the odds are low they'll stay this high.

So, that's it.  I think my happiness is directly correlated to the vitamin D.  I am less moody, more motivated and when I have energy I WANT to do more...and I ACT on doing more.  I've made things happen.  If this is a 'normal' life...then I am in good shape because I have a lot more happiness planned for me.  I can only imagine the cloud I'll be floating on when I have that special man in my life to enhance my life even more,  maybe kids to share it with, and a fantastic family and good group of friends.  It makes me smile.

uncontaminated for future husband

How often do you get STD tested? I started getting it done after I found out about SI's mistress.  I was still occasionally sleeping with SI, and I eventually started to sleep with other people...and who knows where they have been, so I started getting tested once a year, until about 2 years ago.  All results have always been negative.  While my sexual partner number is low, I am not a very good safe sex person...the only person I sort of use condoms with is Cop#1, and that is more to prevent pregnancy because he only puts it on at the end.  When ManFriend told me he gave my earrings to another woman...I got nervous.  A year and a half ago he told me the number of sexual partners he had in his 42 1/2 years was as high as 150+...(at first a shocking number for me, but since he has about 3-8 minutes of sex...I can see why women didn't last long).  Anyway, I had no idea if he was sleeping with other people or not during our year and a half 'relationship'...and clearly, once he moved, he wasted no time finding other women to have sex with him.  What did this mean for me?  I convinced myself I contracted something.  Because what kind of woman takes other's earrings...probably one that is skanky or dirty.  I thought I felt funny down there.  I had to have blood tests for my doctor, so I asked if she could tack on STD tests.

After my blood tests, I was eagerly awaiting my results.  I kept having thoughts, what if one/some of the STD results came back positive?  Would I text/call ManFriend to tell him he infected me?  Would it be curable?  I was really stressing myself out.

I log into my healthcare group and look for my lab results.  The results are listed.  I open the first one.  HIV, negative.  Phew.  Although honestly, I wasn't as worried about this one, although I probably should have been.  Next I found the results for syphilis, even though it is curable in the early stages, this one still worried me.  But, the results were negative. Phew.  Last was herpes.  I was the most worried about this because it is so common, most people don't even realize they have it and worse, there is no cure...if I had this, I'd have it forever...one thing I was so worried about and told ManFriend I didn't want him to blemish my sexual  health - and I had this conversation with him a few times early in our relationship, but yet, we didn't have protected sex at all.  Herpes 1 - positive.  Herpes 2 - negative.  I think I forgot to breathe, I was stunned.  Did I have herpes?  I was at work when I looked at my results and I didn't want to google search which 1 or 2 was.  But I couldn't wait until I got home, I ended up searching for it.  Herpes 2 was genital herpes, the worse one...thank god that was negative!  Herpes 1 is the one associated with cold sores and whatnot.  I still wasn't thrilled about this, especially because I didn't realize I had anything going on.  My doctor was on vacation so I had to keep waiting for her to call to review this. I had questions!  Finally she called.  She said that the positive herpes 1 test just meant that at some point in my life I was in contact with this virus or had a cold sore (which I did back in high school), but at this particular moment in time, there was no evidence of the virus.  unfortunately, this result will always be positive, but at least I know not to freak out again in the future.

I have a high deductive insurance plan, meaning I have to pay out of pocket all medical bills until I meet my deductible of $1,500 in network...and while these tests costs a bit of money...at least now I can sleep at night knowing that I have zero need to talk to ManFriend, but more importantly, I am healthy and uncontaminated for my future husband.  

I have WHAT?

I like to be scratched.  There are phases I go through that once someone scratches me, I want more and even more the next day.  Bodies are weird like that, craving things. But then the cravings stop or you don't have it, and then it forgets.

One day I am so itchy, I need scratching.  But the itching isn't in the usual places, it is my toes and under my boobs.  The itching lasts days. It is mostly itchy at night.  I can't sleep.  I start to wonder if it is some new kind of bodily craving.

But, it turns out as I am complaining about it one night to the guy next to me, he was also itchy.  I start to wonder if we have some sort of rash, but what?.  Since it lasted days which turned into weeks, we finally went to the doctor.

I am not sure if he had health insurance at the time or not, but he either goes to the doctor before me or he just knew what it was.  After I looked up what it was....I freaked out.  I have WHAT?

I went to my regular doctor.  He recommended to see a dermatologist.  I  told him that wasn't necessary, that we believed it was scabies, and I just needed a prescription.  The doctor was very hesitant, he said no one gets that anymore.  I asked for the prescription anyway, and he wrote it.

Of all people to get scabies, it is the person who is terrified of bugs.  That is essentially what it is, these little bugs that are crawling around under your skin.  They get restless/wake up when you are trying to go to sleep.

The medicine eventually worked, but every time I itched and even when I didn't, I just kept thinking about how disgusting it was that I had bugs in my body.  I also had to wash the bed sheets, towels and our clothes in hot water every day.

I had to ask the guy, where did you get this from?  He blamed this guy he was renting an apartment to, one of his friends.  But the truth was it was from his mistress.  How they got it, I have no idea. I don't think I want to know.

My new implant: Nexplanon - a review

A few months ago, ManFriend and I were talking about birth control and my occasional not taking it on time because of my active social life (I wish, it is just a few nights a month I get home really late or not at all).  He suggested something more reliable, like an iud.

I read about the iud and those strings freaked me out.  So did all the negative reviews, and they highly suggest one have had a baby - I don't have that.

Then I stumbled upon Implanon, an arm implant, but also there we so many negative reviews and crazy side effects.

I know I can't trust too many online reviews, granted most are written by normal people, but people tend to write reviews when they have problems.  So while there where thousands if negative reviews, there must be triple - quadruple the number of people who are happy with their birth control.

I had my semi annual pap smear scheduled and I happened to have the other doctor in the practice - amazing it took me 12 years to meet him!  So as he is peering into my vagina I asked him about the iud and Implanon.  Turns out this doctor trains other people how to insert Nexplanon, I wasn't familiar with this birth control, even with my 'extensive' research.  But it is the same concept as Implanon...so I told him I wanted it.

The doctor's office called my insurance and got the OK to purchase the device (this took like 2 weeks). Then I had to wait until the week of my period, since it needs to be implanted within 5 days of the start of your period. So I scheduled my appointment accordingly.

A week before my appointment, ManFriend tells me one of the biggest issues he has with unmarried couples is a child out of wedlock. Which would explain why he hasn't cum inside me yet; we never used a condom.  In this time, I am also very aware that I was having this device inserted just days before he was to move. Of course I started to wonder if he would ever reap the benefit of my new device.

At the doctor's office, they clean my left arm (since I am a righty).  Then he used a needle with some sort of numbing stuff;  this was the most uncomfortable part.  I was looking away, so I didn't see or feel anything, but like 30 seconds later he asked how I felt and I said "I don't feel anything, but I think you are done". And he was. He had me feel the rod in my arm.  So simple. So easy. So quick.  Why did I not hear of this before he told me? And why don't more people get this done? He put a band-aid on and gave me a card with my dates and a warning that only authorized people can remove it.

My arm was slightly sore, but really when I say slightly it was extremely minimal.  It took a few days but I developed a nice black and blue...and while this was minimally sore, it will go away soon and I don't have to worry for three years. So worth it.  (picture of 4 days after)

I just mentioned the Nexplanon will work for three years.  If I decide I want to attempt to get pregnant, they will remove the device and within days it is possible.  If not, then in three years they remove the device and implant a new one. I have the links to Implanon and Nexplanon above - if you want to read about it, I am not going to type all the side effects as part of this blog...except to note that most women who do not keep the Nexplanon in for the three years is because they don't like not getting a period - I have no problems with this...for the last 10 years or so, I've experienced no periods for months at a time, and I personally, love not getting one.

Even if the ManFriend does not get to benefit from my implant, more than a handful of times, I will. So while I originally did this for him, it will be nice not to have to worry about that little pill every night.


Update (5/17/13) - It actually took about 2 weeks adjusting to this while I slept.  I am such a bad sleeper as it is, so depending on how I was laying on my arm while I slept it, I could feel the pressure against the rod and it would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would readjust.  But by the third week, it didn't wake me up anymore.  Also, so far I haven't had any side effects, everything has been the same. 


Update (6/18/13) - The pressure when I sleep no longer bothers me.  I haven't had a period yet, which I am fine with, I am used to not having a period anyway, and actually quite prefer that.   The only thing, if you are super vain with your skin....this might be a problem.  That hole/scap you see above in the picture is still there, and it looks like it isn't going anywhere anytime soon.  Other than that it seems to be fine.  I feel it once in a while depending on what I am doing, but I overall, not an issue.  I have to say that I love not remembering to take the pill at the same time everyday.  It has been a fantastic new routine.

Update (4/2014) - Days away from having the implant for one year.  During this time I spotted just once.  At the beginning I had quite a bit of PMS minus the period, but that craving for sugar/chocolate, that I hadn't really felt before...but thankfully, that feeling subsided after a few months.  The scar on my arm is much lighter in color.  You can see the small circle, but it does bother me at all.  I still absolutely love having the implant instead of the birth control pills.

pill box shows age

I've been on the birth control pill for 15 years and recently decided I am going to change my birth control so I don't have to remember to take a pill at the same time every day.  Too many things come up now - will I even be home? What if I have an impromptu sleepover?  I did a lot of research and made my decision.  That same day, I go for my annual physical and my new doctor is asking about supplements and vitamins.  I said, 'no, I've tried, but I don't remember to take them or they are too big, and really, I don't want to get into the habit of taking something every day, because once you do  - you will until you die'.  She smiled at me and I knew she was thinking I was crazy.

But it is true, it is sad, but I have some supplements I've tried over the last few years, and the bottle is right there...I just forget to open it and take the pill.  I am not sure why it is so inconvenient for me.

My Vitamin D is ridiculously low...I think everyone has a vitamin D deficiency ..but mine was an 8 - I think normal is about 30.  The past month was really bad because I was suffering from extreme exhaustion, which is one side effect of the vitamin D deficiency, but I think other things were at play.  So the doctor prescribed a super high dose pill, 50,000 mg per week for 12 weeks.  And I was instructed to take a fish oil supplement.  I can't take something that large, so I bought Krill Oil instead.

I needed to make a good impression on my new doctor, so when I went in 3 months for my followup, it will appear I've followed her suggestions...so how was I going to remember to take all this?  Alas, my realization I am an 'old' person - I sucked it up and bought the $1.50 pill box.  And every Sunday I fill the boxes with my pills.  It has been working really well so far, everything is handy and in one spot - I have to say I enjoy this system.

So while 'the pill' will soon be no more, the pill box, I fear is staying with me forever.

deductible dismay

It is that time of year I need to send out some thanks.  Today I am thanking Obama...I just received notification that my health insurance deductible for 2013 is DOUBLING.

So, as a single person living in a top unaffordable area, I will now be required to pay out of pocket the first $3,000 deductible plus the $80+ per paycheck = somewhere about $5,000 before I get any health care costs covered.

Now sure, I realize with the HSA, I may not spend all that...and if I am lucky I won't need to go to the doctors too often, but it is insurance, and with insurance, you never know when you'll need it.  My sister this past year got very sick for 3 months and went through her family's $5,000 deductible very quickly. You just never know.

$5,000 is a lot of money for me to stash away or have to plan on paying just in case I need a CAT scan, decide to get pregnant, need my nose cauterized and even break a bone.

I have a decent job, and would be considered middle class...but how can it be middle class when credit cards are covering these costs and I am more in debt then the poor people.  That is right...I am NEGATIVE money.  They just have very little.  I am more poor then them, and yet, I am not getting any/enough help from the government. 

URG.  

Germs go away

Want to hear a funny story?

My sister came down to visit for a few days last week; she also went to the doctor and found out she had strep throat and was taking a high dose amoxicillian.  I barely saw her because I was so busy, but one evening we were eating and filled the dishwasher. We were going to run it the next day.

A few days later I realize we are out of cups and plates so I empty the dishwasher.  A few items were still dirty so I hand washed them, but we've been having some problems with it.  I use the forks, cups, and plates.  Then the next day, I find out the dishwasher was not run - how could I not know? Well, they really prerinse everything anyway.

Last night I made out with manfriend with a little scratchy throat, but he was willing to get that because 'I am worth it'.  But this morning I woke up so sick.  I don't get sick days/vacation yet. I had plans with my family friends for the fourth, and was bummed to not go.  I went to the urgent care and he said it looked liked strep, and put me on amoxicillian.

What a fun day off from work.

And ok, the story isn't really funny - lesson to everyone...germs stay around a while.  Clean those dishes well when someone is sick!

A constant headache

I used to be a headache sufferer. It was bad; headaches almost daily for weeks at a time. Then I was in the rebound headache cycle where my body was reliant on pain medication and if I didn't take anything my headache would come back.  This went on for years. 

About 3 years ago I broke this cycle. I started suffering through the headaches refusing to take anything.  Soon enough the daily headaches started to go away.  I was shocked with how much better I felt, and was saddened when I realized that I allowed the headaches to take over my life and cause me to stay in bed.

Sure, I still had a few migraines and other headaches but they were less frequent. And when they went away my life got back on track.

Unfortunately the last two weeks I am experiencing the headaches again.  I haven't taken anything but I lost a whole day today because of the pain.

So why did they come back now?
Is it allergy related? I've been wondering that for a while. Many people get watery eyes or sneeze, I think I get headaches.
Is it man related?  Sure the last three weeks have been more up and down then I'd have liked. But I really hope a 'friend' doesn't cause me that much stress as the last man.
Is it dietary? I have been so busy the last three weeks that my do.need have been filled with carbs or sugar.
Is it hormonal?

What I need to remember is to not let them take over my life again and maybe next year I'll get a brain scan.

My BMI

My company had a health fair, it was very lame, but I did wait in line to get my BMI.  There was a guy in front of me who appeared trim, and his score came pack high, so I started getting nervous. I have been battling my weight since my mid 20s. I have been trying to eat better, but I don't exercise.  My weight has fluctuated +/- 6 pounds each month this past year. And I have massive breasts.

I provide the lady my height and weight and then I hold this device with both hands and a few moments later a number appears. (I am very curious how this works)

My number was 27.3% body fat. The healthy range for my age is 21-33%. And I have 23.5 pounds of fat in me - half of which I hope is boob. 

What doesn't kill you

I don't listen to the radio very often, but today while I was getting ready I did, and I heard a Kelly Clarkson song about being stronger and I started to sing along.

It is a little poppy - but the message is clear and simple: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  We all have life experiences that are difficult, and some how we make it through.  When we do, we are a little stronger and we have new knowledge so when something happens in the future, we can be a little more prepared.

I think everyone can relate to this.

Kelly Clarkson - What Doesn't Kill You

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you

You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

[2x]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

(When I'm alone)

Taken from AZLyrics.com

What is more important passion or love?

It is a weekday night, you and your partner have been together for 4 years or more, there is no question that you love him/her, but you are missing something - passion. Do you remember passion? The strong, powerful feelings of sexual desire, when you can’t take your hands off each other. No doubt that most of your relationships started out with some degree of passion or lust. When I think of lust, the uncontrolled appetite or craving for sexual desire, I think temporary, perhaps like a fling or someone you don’t really see a future with.


What is so wonderful about passion is the feeling of being physically satisfied and the fun physical connection. You can’t wait to see someone because you can’t keep your hands off them; you know that the foreplay and sex will be fantastic. Passion, it is what keeps you going back for more and is one of the foundations of a relationship.

Soon enough all the passion leads to seeing each other more and then building a stronger relationship of getting to know one another on a different kind of level which eventually leads to respect and love. Love - the feeling of warmth and deep emotional attachment towards another person. Love is wonderful because you have the capability of being so comfortable with someone, having someone to count on and the ability to connect on an emotional level.

Even if your relationship started out as just sex but moved into a relationship can the passion be disguised as love? You go from casual sex to doing it more frequently to dating because of this one connection. After a while your heart may confuse this passion with feelings of love. What happened to the agreement of ‘just sex’? It was thrown out the door because something in your brain was telling you wanted to know that person more so you spend more time doing things other than having sex. Perhaps you know that it is not the best choice to start a relationship with this person based on some big differences, but your head is in the clouds because the pull for passion and feelings of the heart is larger than the argument in your head. You tell yourself that those differences can work out later because with feelings like this, how can you not be together forever?

But routines set in and soon you are left with love but little passion. Where did it go? Is it capable of coming back? Sure there are times you look at your partner and you find them attractive and you still are capable of having some great sex, but more often than not, something is missing, that little light of ignition that turns you on quickly is gone. What you are left with is an amazing level of comfort and reliability for the other person.

Obviously I am not an expert in this area, but I feel that most of the people I know are in relationships where the passion is gone. When I searched for passion on Google, I found articles more about turning each other on and giving into sex, than I did about keeping the passion. Sure you can have a great night here or there by trying something new but would it be long lasting or would it fizzle back out after a week? Even in my past when I can say I had a decent sex life in a relationship, it wasn’t always filled with passion; it was consumed by routine sex. I think it is healthy to have a decent sex life, to me meaning somewhere between 5 – 15 times a week. If I can do it that often then one could argue that there must be a little passion there and many times there was a small flirty spark but I think it was also habit: doing it in the morning at night and sometimes in the afternoon. Habits are hard to break. So was it a habit or was it passion or a little bit of both?

In relationships we tend to let ourselves go so if our partner gains a bit of weight, and we are slightly less attracted to them, we lose some passion. Sure the yellow flag could go up and we can tell our partner we should start exercising or dieting, doing things together to get back into shape and hope that it is enough to restore some of that passion. In some cases, such as mine, it is important to realize that both parties gained weight and it is unfair to only blame one person. Is the simple act of gaining weight enough to break up with someone or even an excuse to find passion elsewhere? Does the lack of passion that leaves you unsatisfied lead to cheating? Is that why my ex cheated? If we had enough passion what was his other reasons for his infidelity? Was he unsatisfied and if he was satisfied with his mistress, why did he still need me, something about her was unsatisfying too?

Can one remain satisfied without passion? If you aren’t getting hot for your lover, can you remain satisfied enough to stay with them for years to come? Will you be happy? Or is this something that a few years into the relationship you should be thinking about to end the relationship and hope that the next might work out better – or left to regret the passion decision.

What are you more fulfilled by: passion or love? And is it possible to have both in the long run?

On the verge of a breakdown

I had really hoped to post on Monday something relationship/breakup/single to keep with my trend, but honestly, that is not where my head is these days.  I kept logging in and trying to start a post and get nowhere.

This has been a really tough week for me.  As far back as high school I have been a headache sufferer; I even got caught with Advil in school and had to speak to the nurse regarding this since they are the only ones to administer medication.  The headaches continued but got a lot worse when SI and I were together.  Maybe it was the mental stress he put me through that my body knew about but that my mind/heart did not get realize...add to that the living environment (trees/flowers/grass) that I may have been allergic to.  Actually at one point I was tested for allergies and some might have been from cut grass or a tree, but I wasn't petting dogs/cats/horses all day to really be affected by my allergies (oh wait, SI's mistress had a cat - maybe all those headaches were from the cat hair concealed on his clothes).  I didn't know any better, this was my life. I lived on Advil, Tylenol and eventually Excedrin (I recommend this one most).  At times I was taking 3-5 pills at a time to dull the pain.  The headaches would last days to weeks at a time.  The migraines resulted in me laying in a dark room trying to sleep it off. Once the breakup happened, I practically had a constant headache...probably from all the crying.  I'd suffer through work and go home and be ordered to lay down before dinner.  In the last few years, I cut back taking any OTC medicine for headaches, even went to one neurologist (but I didn't like him and I didn't go back), and started to keep a headache journal.  Cutting out the medicine was the smartest thing I did, I swear that the headaches, once I got back on a regular cycle, disappeared.  My body was no longer reliant on the medicine and therefore the headaches went away.  I'd still get an occasional headache and suffer through it as well as the occasional migraine that I would wait as long as possible before I took something.  Unfortunately, the migraines seem to be getting worse over the last few  years while the regular headaches were becoming less frequent.

These past 8 days, I have had 2 headaches that lasted for about 30 hours each, and another small one today.  Every time I get a headache this bad or for an extended period of time, I wonder, how did I put up with that for so long?  It is not something you should live with on a regular basis.  Not only is my head aching but I also feel nauseous or have a lack of appetite. I haven't been back to a neurologist because the headaches have gotten so much better and when you go there...more than likely after waiting 6-8 weeks for an appointment you wouldn't have any symptoms that day anyway.

So, let's add to the headaches my poor sleeping which causes my mood to drastically become impatient with people, the people that I have to talk to everyday at work, my coworkers, and the 'new' work I have to do which in my mind is absolutely insane for someone who can think & is somewhat smart has to do (I asked if we can hire a homeless person! They want money)  and what do we get? Denise is going to have a nervous breakdown! 

I am ok with this though. I know what is happening. I see myself starting to crack and go crazy.  But a temporary stay that my insurance pays for at a mental hospital due to stress is better than being committed for mass murder - right?  I wonder how to go about this.   

Do any of my readers want a job?  See, there is such thing as a recruiter and they work for companies trying to fill a position.  I want someone to work for ME and find me a job by souring the Internet, paper, referrals, social media sites and arrange for interviews.  I am not kidding...email me if you want a part time or full time temporary job - the catch...I need to get out of here sooner rather than later & you'd probably get paid after the job was offered. We'll work something out. 

Let's see, I also have 'friend' things going on.  Yes that is right, plural.  I have another post to share within the next 3 weeks, but I am not ready for that one yet. 

One Year Stronger

It has been about one year since I've started seeing my life coach.  In anticipation for this month's meeting, I re-read most of my notebook and was happy to see a lot of personal improvement - feeling a lot better, not so depressed, etc.  I realized that being around miserable/angry people is taking a toll on me, and I understand why a past friend stopped being my friend out of nowhere three years ago, although I don't condone how she went about it.  I have been trying to find little things to keep me busy and doing things for myself which has helped my overall mood. 

However I also realized that I am having a lot of trouble with follow through - especially when it comes to this job thing.  I look and look, research and research...but I haven't done anything.  At first I was upset about this but I realized that I wasn't ready a few months ago to transition even though I need to.  I am more confident and happy now that I am sure that will show during any future interview.   So while that is something that time has worked out, I still struggle with WHAT I want to do.  I recently started thinking of a new career change and add that to the many others I've been thinking about plus the 'old standbys' (similar to what I do now) I just don't know how to choose.  If I go the new route I need to come up with a few thousand dollars to further my education in that specific area.  yeah, more loans  :(  

Another struggle is the hard time I have making new friends.  I am one of those people that might be quiet at first, while I feel out someone to decide if the person is someone I'd want to hang out with.  It takes me a while, longer than usual to make friends.  I haven't made a new friend since I joined my book club.  Unfortunately some of those friends have moved on with their lives and moved away or started families and it just hasn't worked out.  I am not worried about having more friends after I have children...but it would be great if I could find a single female friend or two. 

As for my 'love life' one of my areas of greatly needed improvement - well, you know it is non-existent.  Sure, I had a few experiences where I learned more about me and what I want out of a future partner.  I also went on some blind dates to help with the small talk - since I am so bad with that.  But I am not worried.  My time is approaching.  I am ready.  And I've been very patient with fate...it is my turn soon to get something good.

My health was another issue to tackle.  I recently lost about 10 pounds, and ideally I'd like to loose another 7.  I've managed to keep it off for five months.  I also lowered my blood pressure quite a bit.  I stopped checking it two times a day and more recently only check it every few weeks.  I should be better about that to make sure it doesn't get too high again.

The last thing that was in the initial assessment of my life last year was family.  I learned to distance myself a little - since I am the only single one & only one with out kids...it was hard for them to understand that at times I didn't want to do things with them especially if it focused around the kids...when it was no 'fun' for me.  Sure, I am their Aunt...and I did go to a bunch of things, but it is important to limit that kind of stuff right now.  I've looked, not many of my little kiddos have friends with single parents.  I had other issues as well...but I'd prefer to keep that to myself right now.  My family is great, I don't want you to get the wrong impression.

to sleep or not to sleep...

This week I feel like I have narcolepsy.  On Sunday/Monday I readjusted to the time change  - and felt great on Monday.  However every day this week in the morning and the afternoon on my commute I would fall asleep, only reading a page or less; very atypical of me.  At work I was barely able to keep my eyes open at times.  In the evening I would go to bed at a reasonable hour, but I was having really bad dreams this week and was constantly wakening.

I mentioned this to my family and co-worker and they too have been feeling extremely tired this week.  I wonder if it has something to do with the full moon?  

Metallica's "Enter Sandman" is exactly how I feel: (taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/metallica/entersandman.html)

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land

Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of snow white

Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon's fire
And of things that will bite

Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight

Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
Off to never never land