18 months without ManFriend

ManFriend,
It's been 18 months since you passed, and your unbirthday is near.  I have your blurry picture hanging up in my room, so I am greeted with your flirty smile everyday.  I cry less than I did last year, but every once in a while I will think of something or see something that brings back a memory and I tear up.  I have debated sending your family a thinking of you card again, but they never met me and knew virtually nothing about me...so does that seem weird, crazy or stalker like? Or is it a comfort knowing that someone loved you and misses you?  Or are other women doing the same thing - and I just look like a fool?

I've reread some of my posts from when we were involved and we were so stupid.  There were so many ups and downs.  I thought I was ready for a relationship but I didn't find what I was looking for with you.  You weren't ready.  Did the cancer hold you back from doing the fun companionship things I needed? Was it me? Or you?  Why was I so stubborn and refused to tell you I loved you until you almost moved to NJ, when I felt it many months before, even before you did?

It's done. I can't change the past.  And I don't think you knew how deeply I felt about you.  And that is what saddens me.  I came so close to telling you the last time I saw you...that I (still) loved you and I wanted to hug and kiss you so badly.  I didn't think it would be the last time I saw you.

So, I asked you to watch over me for two years.  I guess there is only 6 months left of the angel watching over me thing I requested.  It's been a busy 18 months.  The depression, the sale of the apartment, moving twice, quitting a job, finding a job, finding a temporary place to live.  I guess all that turned out OK.   All that is left of my list is finding a more permanent place to live - am I supposed to be in Colorado? or somewhere else?  Will I rent or buy? and finding a man.  I'd like to give love a third try.  Maybe this time I'll stop messing it up and actually find a guy that loves me just as much as I love him.  I learned a lot from my first relationship and with our nonrelationship and I think I am ready this time around.  Also, I am still debating the fostering/adopting a child(ren) thing.  Colorado isn't as cheap as I had hoped it would be...so it would be financially challenging as well as the regular challenges of doing it solo....but so many conquer one or both of those....so I shouldn't let those fears hold me back.

I miss our friendship.  I miss how comfortable I was with you.  I miss watching and learning about sports with you. I miss cooking and baking for you.  I miss kissing you.  And as much as I hated it at the time, I miss knowing exactly what you wanted and how to please you....no variety but just knowing how much I turned you on....that is hot in and of itself.

A ladybug flew into my car the other day when I was sitting in traffic for over an hour.  I hadn't seen a lady bug since I moved out here and one other day when kids were playing in my backyard and found one.  Somehow now, I associate a ladybug with you.  I like to think you are nearby.

love,
me

lingering sadness over ManFriend

With all my free time, I decided to pull out my scrapbook, finishing up November 2013.  The last year has been overwhelming with everything I've done and the places I've been, and I was way behind in uploading and ordering photos, which I completed last week.  Now I just need to wait for a great sale on prints.

Having only a few pages left, I decide to have my last page be a ManFriend memory.  Unfortunately he was very camera shy and didn't take photos. I only had one of him that I took of his photo hanging on his wall from his sister's wedding so I can show my friend what he looked like, even if the picture was 10 years old.  And I went to linkedin at the beginning of the year and copied his photo from his profile.  Two really bad resolution photographs.  But I uploaded them for printing anyway, it is all I have of him. Seeing his pictures again made me smile.  I miss that face.

As his one year death anniversary is approaching, I can't help but miss him.  I've cried 80% of this year and was just starting to get through my days without thinking about him so much or shedding a tear and the month of January is going to be hard for me.

I have started to accept that I can't continue to blame myself for not knowing he was terminal; that was his decision.  I was a really amazing friend to him when we were friends.  After we broke up, it is normal to hold a little anger and frustration;  I know I can't continue to be mad about my behavior when he reached out to me out of the blue and told me {part} of his news; especially because he told me about the woman he was seeing...hard to listen to when you loved someone.  I still feel guilty about not doing enough for him; but that just loops back to one and two above - he decided that and I have to accept it.

A few weeks ago I blogged about writing a forgiveness email to ManFriend.  I did do that days after the post.  And I think that is when I started to stop tearing up regularly.  It really helped me.  I enjoyed thinking about the things I loved and hated.  I am fortunate to have met him and I know that we affected each other's lives because we were both in a bad place when we met and that turned around.  I never felt more connected to someone; I can't explain it - but it wasn't a connection like knowing so much or being on the same page...it was more of a strong gravitational pull.  He said I was his angel and he is now my guardian angel {I hope, I asked for him...but I don't really know}, although he is probably very upset with me for being so teary-eyed and sad over him.

The sadness will fade with time but he will always remain in my heart.

in lieu of the ALS challenge, donation to Gilda's Club

The ALS challenge is blowing up my FaceBook news feed and the small parts of morning talk shows that I catch.  It is driving me crazy.  Don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that ALS has such a successful marketing campaign, although is it raising 'awareness' on the personal side? I don't think my nieces/nephews and many others out there who have done the challenge understand what it represents, to them they get ice cold water poured on them and a few seconds of fame on FaceBook by their friends.  But to those that get it...I think it is wonderful.  So simple, yet effective.

I was nominated to do the ice bucket challenge by my nephew, probably because I called out that I didn't think his water looked that cold.  I refused.  Instead, I went on to Gilda's Club and donated $100 (that I really don't have right now) in memory of ManFriend.

There are so many charities/associations out there for great causes and I'd rather donate to one that hits home to me.  As those that read my blog regularly know, ManFriend died of cancer in January of this past year.  I believe each time he had cancer was in a different spot, making me unsure of which cancer association to donate to.  When I met him, he was active with Gilda's Club but had a difference of opinion over an event....I was surprised when I saw to donate to them in his obituary, but that is what he or his family wanted.  Nonetheless, Gilda's club is a free support group for individuals with cancer and their families.  They offer support, workshops and social events during a period of time that is so stressful and confusing.  They have over 50 affiliates and 100 satellite offices.

I know ManFriend was very depressed after the first time and I think for a while Gilda's Club was a reason for him to get out of the house and to socialize with people in similar situations.  Then I came along...and well, he stopped going to Gilda's Club and I hope I was enough to help cheer him up, but he was always kinda miserable.  I wish I knew more about Gilda's Club when we were friends perhaps I would have pushed him to keep going.  Awareness in not only the illness but of the resources available are so important.

I hope that you too will donate to a charity of your choosing, and not one that is forced on you.

[real time]

hard time letting go

Just the other night I stopped to pick up a friend, and her family were all gathered in the living room for the last moments of my friend's mother's life.  I was able to see her tiny body, shrunken face and those sad and confused eyes.

Immediately I thought about ManFriend, wondering if he was in that bad shape before he passed away, not looking anything like himself.  His mother said they kept him at home as long as they could.  He stopped eating solid food for a few weeks before and couldn't talk for the last week, which means that when we texted, it was among the last day or two he was corresponding with any of his friends.

While I've thought about ManFriend everyday and my eyes still fill with tears when I think about something, seeing my friend's mother brought back such strong emotions that I wasn't expecting.  It is normal to be sad over a friend's death, especially when it was unexpected (to me) but our relationship was over.

As hurt as I have been that I had no idea what was going on, I am also selfishly grateful he didn't tell me because watching him suffer like that would have been even more heartwrenchingly painful. He knew how I felt about him and that I would have been there if I knew, but yet he is the one who chose to withhold that information and I have to accept it.

I know I have a hard time letting things go.  I see this both as a negative that it consumes me but also a positive that those that I care about get all of me and that I care that much about someone that I miss them or that I am hurt when they disappoint me.  I am fortunate enough that I've been lucky enough to have those people in my life to give me that overwhelming feeling of love.  I've been blessed to experience that.

a dreaded conversation

Whenever I get a note from my mother that says, "Dee, I need to talk to you, let me know when you are free" I get nervous, a conversation I don't want to have is coming.

I arrange to meet my mother at her house for breakfast, I don't want to be out in public crying.

We make small talk while eating and then finally she tells me what is on her mind.  She told me that she was very concerned for me because I seem very sad and she wants me to see a therapist.  When I asked her when she noticed the sadness, she said it was after I got back from seeing Mountain Man after New Years.  Yes, I would probably agree, I noticed a change in me then too.  I was upset that the thing with Mountain Man wasn't more, I was upset that ManFriend seemed more sick than he was letting on.  Then ManFriend died and while I blogged to you about it, I really didn't have anyone else to talk about it, and I just haven't snapped out of it.  I told my mother about my January and explained that ManFriend's death was hard for me because I loved him, sort of. and how can I talk about it to my family when none of them really even knew about him, let alone my feelings for him.  She said I was shutting people out, that I haven't let anyone in a while, that i have this huge shield protecting me and pushing people away.  She thinks is stems from SI.  She might be right, but it is not intentional.

Why should I see a therapist now?  I made it through the darkest days of my life without one, I don't think the loss of ManFriend and the disappointment in Mountain Man is worse than what happened 8 years before.

It hasn't been easy to find a single guy, I have a really hard time meeting people and even harder time to find someone who is interested in me in a possible future kind of way.  But, I did try to let people in.  I tried with ManFriend...and I was hurt and it was a messed up non-relationship, but I did develop very strong feelings for him and he knew a lot about my past, and if he wasn't such a bachelor, maybe it would have been more 'normal'.  Then I tried with Mountain Man....and well I don't know why he decided he wasn't into me, he just wasn't and I wasn't about to beg...I want a man to desire me and want to be with me exclusively (I learned from SI that I can't accept anything less) so that was that.  I tried.  I failed, which always sucks. But I tried.

So the question is, do I start to see a therapist?  I don't want to delve that much into my past, especially not my childhood...I don't want them to make me question why I am messed up.  And honestly, I really don't want to relive the pain of telling someone the stories of SI. I want to think that part of me is way behind in the past.  And I don't think I am THAT sad. I mean, I am not happy, but I am not as sad as I was years ago.  I am not in this fog where I am losing years of my life I don't remember because I am in shock.  I just have a lot going on....between the sadness, not feeling great and the stress of what is to come.

But I respect my mother and her courage to bring these taboo topics up.  She is worried about me and she is my mother and she would do anything in her power to make me happy.  You are never to old to have your mother worry about you, after all.  And after our conversation, I did feel a little better it was nice to talk about that stuff even if I was crying during most of the conversation.

be my angel

ManFriend,

This past month has been harder on me than I thought it would be.  A day hasn't gone by where I didn't think about you and teared up or cried.  The hardest part is my guilt for not doing enough for you, but how could I because I had no idea how sick you were.  I've struggled with the fact that I didn't even make the list of those to be notified, and then wondered if I ever meant anything to you.

But then I keep getting flashbacks from when we were at the bar and you looked me in the eye and you told me I was your angel, that I was always there for you when you needed someone.  

And I always felt it wasn't enough or that you didn't appreciate me.  And because of that, I resisted telling you I loved you, because I wanted to feel that.  But of course I loved you....which is why I was so upset about you giving my earring to another woman...because you apparently took no time to be with someone else and I still loved you.  What if I didn't resist,  what if f that didn't happen, maybe i would have been by your side to help you when you were sick.  Or maybe that is why you didn't tell me, because you knew I would have done everything I could have for you.  And I keep wondering if stress is what brought the cancer back, and if so, I am I partially to blame? After all that ----- job came through my school's listserv and I forwarded it to you.  That was the beginning of the end for us...and maybe you too :(

It is crazy I am this torn up...I mean we had such a messed up, strange somewhat stressful, non-relationship.  From causal to love. A love that neither of our families even knew about, but not because I was embarrassed by it or anything. I don't know why.  So of course no one gets why I am so upset, we broke up in May/June of last year.   I've only loved two guys, and well, you were the most recent.  

If you've been watching me struggle this past month, you know that I talk to you sometimes.  Well, today I decided that I did a lot for you for that year and a half you lived here.  Now it is your turn to do things for me, show me that you actually cared about me and weren't using me.  I am calling on you to help me through the next year and a half....you will bring people to my (our) apartment, someone will love it and buy it at less of a loss than they are predicting - and soon, you will guide me through my move, assist me with finding a really great job that pays well, maybe some friends and most importantly, you will bring me to my future husband.  You will guide my way, it's your turn to be my angel.  I will know then that you loved me in your own little weird way and we'll be even.  ;)  And if you were behind me passing my certification test too....you get brownie points :) thank you.

Now come on, let's get to work.  Time to change my life.

xoxo,

Denise 

resting easier

Sometimes when I am sad I need to know I am a good person. I need some sort of external validation to lift my spirits.

I decided to read an email from 2010 from SI where he said I was a wonderful, thoughtful and caring person.  I needed to hear those words because I am struggling with my guilt of not doing enough for ManFriend.  But I know I did enough.  In the 1 1/2 years we were involved I did so much for him and he barely acknowledged it.  Maybe he felt it and maybe he did appreciate it, but I didn't get that feedback regularly.

In the end, he wasn't my responsibility anymore, he broke up with me months before.  And he chose to withhold how sick he was so that means that he wasn't expecting anything from me.  Couple that with that I 'mourned' over the loss of him back in June when our involvement ended.  So, I know my life isn't going to change because he isn't here anymore, that change happened in May & June of last year.

So it took a week, but I am doing better.  I went through the shock (that I missed his death, that he was that sick, etc), the anger (him not telling me he was terminal), denial (where I had to look up his obituary several days later because I wasn't really sure), and now the acceptance.

I know I am a really nice person to those I care about, otherwise I wouldn't be so hurt when they disappointment me.  Maybe the loss of ManFriend was a bit more traumatizing because it was so recent and I never was sure about how he really felt about me, and that is something I struggled with over the last two years.  I have to remember the text he sent me in October, the day after his doctor's visit.  He said, he was thinking about me and seeing the doctor clenched his decision to reach out to me "because you've been there to support me when the times were tough".

Naturally, in my busy mind, I start to wonder about SI, the guy I know without a doubt that I loved.  If I found out he died, would I be so upset?  Probably not.  That has been over a long time, but at the same time, I really did love that guy so I am sure some of those memories would pop up...but then again, the email I referred to above told me, in the end, he knew how special I was...and I guess that is all I need to know, that I impacted someone's life for a period of time and they appreciated it.  Isn't that one of the most ultimate compliments?

So, the one time ManFriend told me I was his angel plus me helping him so much when he needed it, I know I impacted his life whether he said it or not.  I can now rest easier and get back to my life.

illuminating presence

I have a scale in my bedroom, been there for about 3 - 4 years. I use it regularly, you just step on it and it illuminates with your weight.  It has always worked perfectly.

Last night I got into bed about 9:40.  My eyes closed and in a few minuets I was on my way to sleep.  Then there was light, so bright it made my eyes open.  I keep my phone on silent, so I wondered if it was ringing, but that has never caught my eye before.

Then I realized it was the scale.

There was no reason for the scale to go on.  It never has before.  And it stayed illuminated for about a minute.

I said "ManFriend, is that you?" and then I proceeded to chat with him a little bit.  I know that sounds crazy, but of all times for it to go off, it happens to be when I am grieving?

I like to think he stopped by to say goodbye to me.

dead mail

After Kevin's death, I noticed that his siblings would continue to write on his Facebook wall.  Their postings always bringing tears to my eyes.  I thought it was great that they are trying to understand what happened and why and hoping for some sort of closure.

This morning I sent ManFriend an email.

I knew sugar and cancer aren't friends, but yet, I made you cookies anyway, you always liked when I baked for you. I didn't know what to do after we spoke on the 3rd, but it didn't sound good...i just didn't realize how bad it was.  you made it sound like you'd be around longer, you said I can visit in a few weeks.  But it happened only 9 days later.  I was too late.

Neil, you were so special to me.  I don't want what happened in June to taint everything else.  I hope you knew how much I cared about you.  You were only the second guy I loved.  You will always have a special place in my heart.

You taught me about golf, football and passion.  We kissed so amazing together - it was addicting.  Your face alone was able to cheer me up after a tough day.  I am so glad that fate brought us together.  i think we really helped each other during some of our dark days.  I did everything i could think of to cheer you up, and I always felt like it was never enough.

I understand why you didn't tell me, or anyone, how sick you were.  I can't imagine having those conversations with people.  Dealing with not only your demise but their grief too.  I should have told you that night how important you were to me; but I think you knew.

Your life on Earth was too short, and I hope you look down from heaven and realize how many people's lives you impacted.  Our sadness will fade but we will remember the memories.

love, always,

denise

It made me feel better. I sent it with the subject line 'goodbye.'  If his family is accessing his email, they might think I am crazy, but maybe they understand that everyone wants to say their goodbyes. Actually I read an article many months ago about a site for that purpose.  I get it.

A farewell to Man Friend

When I was on a 9 hour layover on January 3rd I messaged ManFriend to see how he was and how his treatment was going.  He recently had a 16 day hospital stay, lost 30 pounds and was on medical leave.  It didn't sound good.  I suggested a cheer up visit but he said to wait a few weeks so he could get stronger.  This past weekend I decided to bake some cookies even though I knew he probably wouldn't have been able to eat them; but what else do you give to someone who is so sick?

But it turns out he knew he wasn't getting stronger. Upon the delivery of my cookies, his mother called me.  He passed away 12 days ago.

Most of you read a lot about ManFriend over the course of two and a half years...we had a strange relationship...but one that really affected me.

We came into each others lives at a time when we were both so sad and depressed for different reasons. For me, he was a very late rebound.  time for me to allow another man back into my life that I can help and love and hate and spend time with.  For him, I think I was someone to hang out with, while he was very much to himself, we spent quiet times doing nothing together and we kissed so amazingly together.

I knew he wasn't 'the one' but his death still saddens me.  He was only 43.  I thought I'd talk to him again, and I know he knew how much I cared for him at one point in my life...but I'd rather have re-told him that than thinking I hated him for how he acted last June.  But I understand why he elected not to tell people; can you imagine having that whole - I am dying this is our last conversation - over and over again.  When you are so sick, that is a lot of energy and he is hard on both people.

So, Neil...thank you for the memories and the lessons I learned from you.  You will have a special place in my heart, always.

not all at once, please

It is strange when out of the blue many people contact you.  That is the kind of week I had.

First, I reached out to Bank Boy for a 7 mile hike, which I will do with him tomorrow.  Of course Bank Boy used to be a little obsessed, but he hasn't asked about getting intimate in months. I think we've developed a friendship based on our enjoyment of hiking.

Then ManFriend texted me again...slightly less than one week since we saw each other.

Of course in between this has been texts and emails with Mountain Man.

Greasy (the guy I had sex with right after SI) messaged me asking if I was still single, he wanted to set me up on a blind date with an oral surgeon.  I was surprised since he knew me when I was a train wreck, but I appreciated it none the less.

And the most shocking was when I was on LinkedIn and I saw SI's photo.  LinkedIn and I aren't getting along.  I blocked SI's emails from LinkedIn, so either he has a new email or we have a link.  First, the ex-mistress keeps looking at me, then SI's best friend...now his photo?  I was happy to see he looked wide and fat and his glasses were so dark. OK so he didn't reach out...but I still saw him, kinda.

Finally, Cop#1 reached out to me too.

All this in the last 3 days.

not dying

I met up with ManFriend last Thursday.  He is not dying.  I sat there listening about his cancer and his very optomist treatment plan.  I asked him "I still don't understand why you asked to see me" to which he replied, because we are friends.   I laughed a fake laugh and since I knew he wasn't dying (yet) I let it all out.  About his selfishness, his ungratefulness, I asked if he really gifted my earrings to some woman (he said that she took them) and I told him all that made me spend a few hundred dollars in STD testing when it could have all been avoided if he acted like an adult and did that whole thing he kept talking about, being honest.  I told him that our 'love' was a sham, that it wasn't love because people don't do those things.  And when I was done, he wanted to know if he should leave, he didn't expect any of that and was truly shocked that I wasn't happy.  I didn't plan on saying anything to him, I was there just to listen...but the way he was acting and the things he was saying, it didn't make sense.

He didn't leave.  He told me about some of the woman he was invovled with in hte last four months.  The most recent was an ex-druggie, ex-convict, smoker with a child...and I was thinking, really? You gave me up for that?  Why does that keep happening to me?  SI preferred an ex-stripper, bartender, high school graduate.  It really makes me wonder about me and about the men I chose.

Then we talked about football and started laughing and enjoying the company a bit more.  When we left, he said he had a nice time and he hopes we can hang out again since he is up this way a lot.  I looked at him and didn't say anything....really?  No, I told him he could update me in a few weeks about his diagnosis/treatment but I didn't want to see him again.

So there was no kissing, there was no inviting him back to my place.  And I didn't need the closure...actually seeing him made me think about all that stuff again, and I didn't need that.  I have been so happy the last 2-3 months, which is why I knew I wouldn't fall back into a routine with him that made me a little miserable.

a possible dinner with ManFriend?

I heard from ManFriend yesterday afternoon.  This threw me off guard because I never thought I'd hear from him again, and I was OK with that.

He told me he wanted to reach out for a while, but he was re-diagnosed with cancer, and that upon hearing he contacted me because I was always so supportive and caring.

He continued to fill me in on his life and how great its been since he moved.  I felt like he was rubbing it in my face, I stayed quiet and didn't offer too much information.  Then he said something about what a wonderful person I am.  I lashed out. Modesty aside, I know I am wonderful, I certainly don't need him to tell me that, especially because in the end he treated me like a worthless nobody.  He apologized for his behavior saying that he probably needs therapy and end of relationships are hard on him.  He wishes he could go back and change things, but obviously he cannot.

I didn't want to hear his excuses and I told him I would change a lot of things too....but I can't, but there are many ways to apologize or show thanks.  None of what he said or did was sincere.

So then he asked to see me, take me out for a 'I'm sorry dinner'.  I didn't respond.

I feel bad his cancer is back...and if this is his reality check that he could die and wants to see me one last time, I can't be a bitch and not do it.  But I don't want to see him again....our magnetism is so strong.

What do you think?

it isn't about missing him

I am still having these insane thoughts about ManFriend.  I certainly don't miss him, but I find myself having conversations in my head.

As I am scrambling to the train, walking fast, I think, if I saw ManFriend and he wanted to stop and say hello, I'd blow him off saying I was late meeting up with someone, yes bozo, a man, who else would I walk this fast for?

Sometimes I think maybe he still has a key and when he is up visiting his family with his new lady at his side...because yes of course she will meet them when I didn't, that he'd stop here thinking it was vacant and I'd be sitting on the couch eating my pint of ice cream (no, I don't really do that) and he'd think he has it better than me, and make me feel horrible that I am still alone and clearly miserable without him...even though I am eating that ice cream because it is hot.

Unfortunately living in the same apartment he did, I am still getting junk mail in his name.  I will probably for 5 years.  I can't escape it.

I can only hope that I haunt his thoughts as well.  Every time he lights those candle I got him during the hurricane, puts on the survivor bracelet that I had made for him, puts a book on the bookshelf that was mine, puts his feet up on the coffee table that was mine, spends money in the grocery store because I used to buy him groceries, when he eats another woman's food and isn't as yummy as mine was, after parties he doesn't get leftovers...and remembers how great that was that I gave him piles of food, if he attends bar trivia and sucks...he'd remember that we came close quite a few times, that he new breasts he plays with aren't as big and delicious as mine, and that another woman isn't picking up fast enough how he likes his sex, etc.

It isn't about me missing him.  It isn't about a heartache.  And it isn't about revenge.  It is about him knowing that he played me and treated me like crap intentionally and feeling a little bad about it and me wanting him to realize that.  

beauty and brains

The last two months when ManFriend lived here, we went to the local bar for trivia night.  You didn't win much....a pitcher of beer or an appetizer for the bonus questions or a round of drinks for the final win...but it was fun.  We had a good balance, he was great with the art, music, history and sports and I was good with the common miscellaneous information, science, children's literature, math and some geography.  But we always came in second place....and he would get mad...and so it became a challenge and we kept going so we can win.  Even when he moved away, he said he wanted to go back (with me) so we can win - of course that didn't happen.

Well, tonight after a wake, I asked two of my girlfriends if they'd want to go to trivia night, lift our spirits...and they did.  And we WON (total we won 2 appetizers and a round of drinks - but we only used one of those)  The last round was tough and we knew we lost our lead but we won by one point...but we did it.  We all knew many of the questions, and I have to say we all chipped in and knew answers the others didn't (out of 50 questions I think we got about 39-43 of them correct).  I can't tell you how happy I was.  I wanted to text ManFriend and be like 'you might have had sex or are in a relationship...but the first time playing bar trivia without you I won...THAT is an accomplishment!'. And I know would have pissed him off because he tried so hard and he was always dwelling on the few questions that we got wrong...would talk about it for days or until the next time we went.  Of course I didn't text him because we aren't on speaking terms...which is why I had to rush home and tell you, my readers.

A little 'revenge' that he will never know about, but that is OK, I know and I am thrilled.

final payment

A last update on ManFriend.  After he told me about giving my earrings to another woman, I messaged him I wanted my money for the furniture and another $100 for the earrings by the time I returned from Indianapolis.

Unfortunately, over the last week, I thought about what kind of person I am and how I let people take advantage of me, but not wanting to change because of how a few people have treated me.

I am a very moral person. I believe in doing the right thing.  And it REALLY upset me that someone would just take-take-take.  Especially because asking for $400 was nothing compared to what was really owed to me...I thought I was being nice and really giving him a break.  Anyway, I struggled with considering small claims court...but since he moved states...that might have been really difficult. I thought about filing a police claim for theft, but it seemed so petty. I considered just going down there and taking it back, but I am a scardy-cat.  And really, it was only $400, small amount of money...and it wasn't the money I wanted, but him to PAY it. I know, it is wrong.

One of the first things I do when I got back to town was check my PO box, but there was no check.  However, it arrived today at the place I am currently staying for $300.  I am happy I don't have to worry about small claims.  But he found another way to piss me off, one last time.  OK, so he decided to send a personal check not a cashier's check and he dismissed the earrings.  whatever. I did wear them all the time and they were about $80 from one of those home jewelry parties...but really not a huge deal, I have them in copper too.

But what annoyed me was that the check was folded in a blank piece of paper in the envelope.  There was no note. Back on June 7th he said 'never mind the nice card I bought for you'...that he wanted to send the check to me with. I wanted that card. I wanted an apology. I wanted something.  Even a thank you for being patient or for the bargain furniture.  Not even a 'here you go'.

Another friend did this to me once. Sent me a check in a blank card.  No note.  I don't understand why people do this.  Are you so pissed off at me that you have to send me money?  That money is rightfully mine.  In a way, I perceive that action as they blame ME for whatever it is.  And I don't speak to that other person anymore either.  Is ManFriend so pissed off at me that he owed me a super small amount of money? or it could be anything ranging from knowing I would never speak to him again, that he fucked another woman or fifty and felt guilty that he was still attracted to me, or even that he knew I wouldn't drop it.  The best part...now that I have the money...I really don't care anymore.

I feel like a huge weight/distraction has been lifted. I feel better.  I know I'll never speak to him again, and I am finally OK with that. I am going to try that prayer to St. Anne again and very soon, my future husband will come strolling along.

Mad at myself

My mind races and I am mad myself.  I can't stop thinking about what manfriend  said to me last week.  I want to forget it, but I am can't. I have conversations in my head all day long.

I have conversations in my head that brings tears to my eyes about the kind of relationship he is in....gifting gifts to other women?   I mean, I didn't get shit.  His he really at that point???? Or maybe he needed to lash out and be mean so I would withdraw?  When I talked to doofy he said he would do this so she seemed more in control even though that is what he wanted. 

So why would he want to drive that screwdriver further into my heart?  What did I do to deserve such backlash? I was nothing but nice and he felt he needed to disintergrate me.  I guess it worked because it has consumed my thoughts for days. 

I am mad myself because I allowed him to sleep with me and now I wonder what kind of skank he has been with and i've convinced myself I have a std. I feel uncomfortable 'down there' even though it might be nothing.

I hate that I allowed myself to be drawn to kissing manfriend to allow it to continue.  I hate that I allowed him to have two minutes of unprotected sex so he can release.  I hate that he IMed me a few weeks ago about why he woke up with a hard Dick later realize it was because the woman he was with didnt fulfil him. 
I hate myself for thinking two minutes  of sex was acceptable because I was blinded by the intamacy of kissing.
I hate myself for making the same mistake.

a drunk tirade about men using me or shocking me for being so supportive

(I posted this and removed it...but why not share it even if my thoughts are not logical and I am repetitive & I need a better name than OldMan because he isn't 90)

full disclosure. I am drunk. After ManFriend's text earlier today, I knew i still had to go out with OldMan to get drunk. I even contemplated having sex with him...you know 'best way to get over someone is to get under someone'...but I am not that kind of person.

I had a rough day. I cried a lot.  My work friend Karen had to deal with hysterical denise.  My OldMan friend had to witness me cry a few times, my life coach has seen me cry...but not for a year or so.  And doofy the other day was a lifesaver.

I want to thank my one anonymous reader who reached out to my last post and was so supportive. I want to say that it shocked me...I don't have real life friends who are that kind and sweet, so THANK YOU, it brought tears to my eyes when I read your comment.

I feel like I am a basket case right now.   i want to say this ins't me...but i guess it is.  You will read in the next coming days/weeks some of the issues that I am going through, and my 'homework' assigned to me by my life coach.  maybe it will help put things into perspective. I have a lot of figuring out to do with my 'real life'  friends...and if I need to get rid of them. I have to figure out what do I expect from a friend and when is it time to tell them I can't be friends anymore.   I need to set boundaries. I am tired of being disappointed.

I am tired of being disappointed in men too.  I am tired of it all.  I understand and accept it is all my fault and my problem. I let it happen. I somehow allow men to think it is absolutely fine for them to treat me like shit and use me...because I am single and naive and don't know better...no that ins't true at all.   i am single sure, but my issue really lays with me being so sweet and wanting to help people and putting a trust in them that at some point they will reciprocate their actions....and they don't.

that issue today with ManFriend really pissed me off.  First of all..was he kidding? I don't know.  I doubt it. But really, what kind of woman would accept earring willingly if it wasn't a gift.  And is he giving gifts already??? Shit, I  didn't get one nice thing...what did she do to get a fucking gift, even if it is used?   But who tells someone that?  LIE.  I don't believe in lies..but in this instance, yes I do.  Or the omission of truth is fine too.  I am not stupid. I know he will never give me the money he owes me, and I wish I was strong enough to go to NJ and knock on his door and demand to take it home with me.  I looked into small claims court earlier today, and I am not sure it is worth it. I texted Cop#1, I haven't talked to him since October...to see what would happen if I file a stolen goods report.  I haven't heard back.  OK, so I have to accept that not only was ManFriend an asshole, he is a con-artist.  Good for him.  he won.  i am not sure i want to fight this battle. i might just raise the white flag and forget the principles and just let him disappear out of my life. It would be better that way.

Did he play me because the first time we went out I devoldged the truth about my past and told him the secrets to why I am so depressed and un-trusting of men? Did he realize then he would be able to get whatever out of me he wanted because he heard how devoted I was to SI that I allowed him to manipulate and control me for years hoping something would change?

Unfortunately for ManFriend, SI still out beats you.  At least he pretended to show interest in me.  I never hated SI.  I loved him so much that I eventually accepted what happened, even blamed myself.  With ManFriend...I am growing hatred for him.  Not one nice thing i got from that man, aside from a drunk tirade about what an angel I was....but yet it was still fitting for him to throw it in my face he was sleeping around.  I am livid. I am fuming. but I am not 100% surprised either.  He is a man after all.

OldMan friend is so sweet.  He really is nice. I feel bad and guilty. I don't want to mislead him and I've told him as much...but I feel like he is meant to be my friend right now.  Out of all the people I consider friends, the least likely really stood out this week, and I can't thank them enough.

Seriously?

I left a pair of earrings at ManFriend's place when I was there a few weeks ago. I just remembered to ask him for them. 

His response, 'this is embarassing. I gave them to someone else, I thought they were hers. I am not sure if I can get them back'.

WTF. 

I knew he would be having sex with other people...I guess I didn't realize it would have been within the first month of us ending it...but it was probably before. 

And what kind of girl accepts another woman's earrings?

So I responded that she could keep them.  But he needs to send me my money for the furniture and add $$ for the earrings.  He didn't respond, I doubt he will.

I am livid. I mean...he has been messing with my head for the last month, wanting to see me, telling me about dreams that make him hard. He told me yesterday he loved me.  All bullshit of course. He was no differnt than SI or Cop#1. Likes my body more than me.

So, I am not going to see or talk to him again...but I still want my money. Principle more than anything.

coward

So, ManFriend is still obviously very attracted to me.  He claims to miss me, love me and think of me often.  But he said his attraction and feelings for me scares him.  I am sorry but that is the biggest boatload of shit, oh, am I allowed to curse on here? I don't curse often if at all but sometimes it is just so fitting.

So why is that the biggest boatload of sh*t?  Because he has been in relationships before. He has given more of himself to other women. I was completely jipped (aka used) and he'd rather not be in a relationship with me because it scares him that he feels so 'strongly' about me.  He'd rather have a mediocre relationship or none than be with someone that you claim to feel comfortable around and that you are so attracted to?  He'd rather keep himself at a distance than try to love? I don't buy it. Not at all.

And if it is true then he has serious issues.  Way worse than all my issues.  At least I was willing to try to give myself to someone, to open up, to try.

Asshole. Coward. Liar.