ManFriend,
It's been 18 months since you passed, and your unbirthday is near. I have your blurry picture hanging up in my room, so I am greeted with your flirty smile everyday. I cry less than I did last year, but every once in a while I will think of something or see something that brings back a memory and I tear up. I have debated sending your family a thinking of you card again, but they never met me and knew virtually nothing about me...so does that seem weird, crazy or stalker like? Or is it a comfort knowing that someone loved you and misses you? Or are other women doing the same thing - and I just look like a fool?
I've reread some of my posts from when we were involved and we were so stupid. There were so many ups and downs. I thought I was ready for a relationship but I didn't find what I was looking for with you. You weren't ready. Did the cancer hold you back from doing the fun companionship things I needed? Was it me? Or you? Why was I so stubborn and refused to tell you I loved you until you almost moved to NJ, when I felt it many months before, even before you did?
It's done. I can't change the past. And I don't think you knew how deeply I felt about you. And that is what saddens me. I came so close to telling you the last time I saw you...that I (still) loved you and I wanted to hug and kiss you so badly. I didn't think it would be the last time I saw you.
So, I asked you to watch over me for two years. I guess there is only 6 months left of the angel watching over me thing I requested. It's been a busy 18 months. The depression, the sale of the apartment, moving twice, quitting a job, finding a job, finding a temporary place to live. I guess all that turned out OK. All that is left of my list is finding a more permanent place to live - am I supposed to be in Colorado? or somewhere else? Will I rent or buy? and finding a man. I'd like to give love a third try. Maybe this time I'll stop messing it up and actually find a guy that loves me just as much as I love him. I learned a lot from my first relationship and with our nonrelationship and I think I am ready this time around. Also, I am still debating the fostering/adopting a child(ren) thing. Colorado isn't as cheap as I had hoped it would be...so it would be financially challenging as well as the regular challenges of doing it solo....but so many conquer one or both of those....so I shouldn't let those fears hold me back.
I miss our friendship. I miss how comfortable I was with you. I miss watching and learning about sports with you. I miss cooking and baking for you. I miss kissing you. And as much as I hated it at the time, I miss knowing exactly what you wanted and how to please you....no variety but just knowing how much I turned you on....that is hot in and of itself.
A ladybug flew into my car the other day when I was sitting in traffic for over an hour. I hadn't seen a lady bug since I moved out here and one other day when kids were playing in my backyard and found one. Somehow now, I associate a ladybug with you. I like to think you are nearby.
love,
me
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