Sunday, June 14, 2015

18 months without ManFriend

It's been 18 months since you passed, and your unbirthday is near.  I have your blurry picture hanging up in my room, so I am greeted with your flirty smile everyday.  I cry less than I did last year, but every once in a while I will think of something or see something that brings back a memory and I tear up.  I have debated sending your family a thinking of you card again, but they never met me and knew virtually nothing about does that seem weird, crazy or stalker like? Or is it a comfort knowing that someone loved you and misses you?  Or are other women doing the same thing - and I just look like a fool?

I've reread some of my posts from when we were involved and we were so stupid.  There were so many ups and downs.  I thought I was ready for a relationship but I didn't find what I was looking for with you.  You weren't ready.  Did the cancer hold you back from doing the fun companionship things I needed? Was it me? Or you?  Why was I so stubborn and refused to tell you I loved you until you almost moved to NJ, when I felt it many months before, even before you did?

It's done. I can't change the past.  And I don't think you knew how deeply I felt about you.  And that is what saddens me.  I came so close to telling you the last time I saw you...that I (still) loved you and I wanted to hug and kiss you so badly.  I didn't think it would be the last time I saw you.

So, I asked you to watch over me for two years.  I guess there is only 6 months left of the angel watching over me thing I requested.  It's been a busy 18 months.  The depression, the sale of the apartment, moving twice, quitting a job, finding a job, finding a temporary place to live.  I guess all that turned out OK.   All that is left of my list is finding a more permanent place to live - am I supposed to be in Colorado? or somewhere else?  Will I rent or buy? and finding a man.  I'd like to give love a third try.  Maybe this time I'll stop messing it up and actually find a guy that loves me just as much as I love him.  I learned a lot from my first relationship and with our nonrelationship and I think I am ready this time around.  Also, I am still debating the fostering/adopting a child(ren) thing.  Colorado isn't as cheap as I had hoped it would it would be financially challenging as well as the regular challenges of doing it solo....but so many conquer one or both of I shouldn't let those fears hold me back.

I miss our friendship.  I miss how comfortable I was with you.  I miss watching and learning about sports with you. I miss cooking and baking for you.  I miss kissing you.  And as much as I hated it at the time, I miss knowing exactly what you wanted and how to please variety but just knowing how much I turned you on....that is hot in and of itself.

A ladybug flew into my car the other day when I was sitting in traffic for over an hour.  I hadn't seen a lady bug since I moved out here and one other day when kids were playing in my backyard and found one.  Somehow now, I associate a ladybug with you.  I like to think you are nearby.


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