Wednesday, June 17, 2015

someone I used to know

I've been needing a sign, or rather, I need to figure out how to identify and interpret the signs.  I feel so confused, more so this month than in the last 4 months.  A friend gave me this stone to rub for clarification.   I tried it; I thought about the areas I want clarification in while gently rubbing the stone, then I put it down on got on with my to-do.

Someone LinkedIn requested me, so I go on to accept that, and under People You May Know is SI.  This is within 2 minutes of rubbing the stone.  I haven't thought about SI in any kind of way in ages.  I miss that period of my life when I had a somewhat reliable person to have feelings for and thought I had a future involved with a man...but other than that....nothing.  Was this a sign?  And if so, what the fuck does it mean???  It's bad enough his mistress and best friend occasionally view me and he popped into my feed one day 2 years ago, but I had his email blocked, he shouldn't appear on my screen.  Hmm, maybe he has a different email.

I stared at his picture for probably 4 minutes.  Thoughts came to me.

I clearly remember a conversation he had with me about 3 years into our relationship about him feeling less attracted to me because I gained about 5-10 pounds.  He told me I needed to take care of myself and go to the gym.  I ended up buying a treadmill and spent a bit of time on that...but of course it wasn't enough.  Mind you at the time he gained probably the same amount of weight but that was fine with him.

As I stare at his picture, I can't help but think of what time does.  I haven't seen him in person since 2010 and just those two times his photo appeared in my email/linkedin.   He looks a good 50 pounds heavier than he did ten years ago.  Add 5-10 years too because of all the facial hair.  If I didn't know who he was and he approached me...I highly doubt I would have been interested, as desperate as I think I might be...I am not.   But that tiny smile, it might have eventually got me again and he somewhat resembles my father with that full beard and they say you go for people who look like your parents/siblings.   It's a fine look, but when you know what someone looked like, it is a bit drastic.

I'm not saying I look as good now as I did ten
2001 or 2002 (few months in).  2006 (end of relationship).  2015
years ago.  It is clear I am aging and gained weight.  I have grey hair, bags under my eyes and a huge crease under my cheek that is evident when I smile.  In all my 'professional' pictures l look exhausted.  Probably because they were all taken during or after a long day/conference and I have little makeup left and can't fake a good smile.  Maybe I should look into a portrait studio or something cause I don't want to be seen by people who haven't seen me in years to look old and weathered.

Does attraction lesson when you haven't seen someone?  When I see a picture of Cop#1, I am still so attracted to him, if I stare long enough, I might get a little wet.  He sees me the same way.  That kind of attraction is incredible. I had it with ManFriend too, but with him it wasn't just the attraction, it was more of a magnetic pull.  I felt nothing looking at SI, but maybe it also has something to do with me not being attracted to him when we first met over 13 years ago but he grew on me the longer we were together and I soon found him cute.  If I ended up with SI, would he look how he does now? Would he have taken into consideration what I find attractive with his style?  It doesn't matter because the reality is if we were still together, I'd love him no matter what he looked like because of love, the emotional connection and well, just because it is who I chose to be with.

I was very happy to see he is doing well salary-wise, making a salary 2-4 times what I make (not counting the benefits, bonuses and all those extras that I don't get) based on his title and place of employment.  I am not surprised; when we were together he was doing well, but then I guess you'd have to be if you were in two relationship and had all those expenses of dates and guilt gifts.  Did he look happy?  I don't know, it was hard to tell, but I am sure he's met most of his goals both professionally and personally.

The good thing is when I look at his picture, I feel nothing.  And if that is who I am associating my past is easier to not feel than think about what I am missing out on.  If he looked more-or-less the same as when we were together, maybe I would have wondered.  But at this point, it was so long ago and the damage was too devastating to even want to think of what might have been.  He is just someone I used to know.  Talk about progress and how far I've come.  So, really, what does he have to do with my seeking clarification in my life???

If he is out there and going through a hard time, I wish him well. If he was diagnosed with some terminal disease...karma's a bitch and I hope he thinks about what he did to me and the lasting effects/damage on my life.  But that would also mean the death of 3 of 4 special men in my life (preceded by Kevin & ManFriend) what would be the odds of that?  So, SI wherever you've consumed my energy for the last few days...I hope that you received all that energy/focus and used it however you needed.

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