not all at once, please

It is strange when out of the blue many people contact you.  That is the kind of week I had.

First, I reached out to Bank Boy for a 7 mile hike, which I will do with him tomorrow.  Of course Bank Boy used to be a little obsessed, but he hasn't asked about getting intimate in months. I think we've developed a friendship based on our enjoyment of hiking.

Then ManFriend texted me again...slightly less than one week since we saw each other.

Of course in between this has been texts and emails with Mountain Man.

Greasy (the guy I had sex with right after SI) messaged me asking if I was still single, he wanted to set me up on a blind date with an oral surgeon.  I was surprised since he knew me when I was a train wreck, but I appreciated it none the less.

And the most shocking was when I was on LinkedIn and I saw SI's photo.  LinkedIn and I aren't getting along.  I blocked SI's emails from LinkedIn, so either he has a new email or we have a link.  First, the ex-mistress keeps looking at me, then SI's best friend...now his photo?  I was happy to see he looked wide and fat and his glasses were so dark. OK so he didn't reach out...but I still saw him, kinda.

Finally, Cop#1 reached out to me too.

All this in the last 3 days.

Breakneck Ridge Hike

Two weeks after my vacation...and I was itching for a hike.  I decided to head up to Breakneck Ridge Trail in the Hudson Highlands State Park.

Breakneck Ridge is a mountain between Cold Spring and Beacon.  There is a small parking lot and side of the street parking, and Metro North even has limited train serve to Breakneck Train Station.

Bank Boy had hiked this trail a few times and wanted to come along...I said OK.  I figured it would be good to do this one with someone...and even better that he knew what I was getting myself into.

The white trail, aka breakneck trail, starts near the tunnel and quickly ascends up the mountain.  The path is rocky and steep. As Bank Boy was telling me about the trail in the car, I started to worry, climb rocks?  I did an indoor rock climbing a few years before, and I did become comfortable with it after a while, but I was harnessed in.  This would not be the case on the hike, he told me we would just be rock scrambling.  I haven't heard of rock scrambling before.

Basically you are climbing rocks, sometimes scurrying around them to get up.  I was slow!  There were a few parts I was nervous, but the first I had a group of people quickly approaching behind me so I couldn't panic, I just had to do it so I wouldn't hold them up, the second part I couldn't find a place for my foot and hand...and started to slip...I panicked, but Bank Boy came to my rescue and didn't let me fall to my death...OK, it wasn't that dramatic, but in the moment that is how it felt!  

And it was exhausting.  I like to think I am not in horrible shape, but climbing those rocks and taking huge leaps up was tiring.  Constantly planning your next step.  And we did this for about a mile and a half.  I took a few breaks and the sweat started pouring down, I was glad for a mild summer morning.

me at the first summit

There are several summits, the first one we reached was about 720 feet above sea level and offered a beautiful view.  Two more to go before we hit the top.

There were a few people going down the steep rocks, they were in fantastic shape, that is not something I would even consider.  Once started on this path, you are committed to go to the top where you'll hit other colored trails that offer, for me a 'regular' hiking experience.

We took the blue trail to the red trail back down the mountain.


Here is a map.

view from the first summit looking south

 My pedometer logged:  12,590 steps, 136 flights, 5.1 miles and about 1200 calories.

slowly adjusting

OK so it's been a week since I've seen ManFriend.  We chatted a little last Sunday and on Monday via text where we just seemed annoyed with each other - maybe because we both realized things weren't going to be the same and our emotions got the best of us.

On Monday when I was explaining to him I wasn't handling his departure well, I felt like I had to justify why I was sad and a little moody.  He asked what he could do to help...and I wasn't sure. I explained to him that I shouldn't have to ask for help - and even specifically to tell him what to do - but just to do things....like I did for him when he was sad & depressed last year.  He claimed he understood and said "ok".

I haven't heard from him since.

So now it is 9pm, and we originally said we'd get together tomorrow.  I don't know if that is still on or not.  I have been talking to myself with scenarios.  1) I don't call/text/show up -> and he flips out because we talked about this last Saturday...but I like real invitations and confirmation if I haven't heard from you in a week...plus I don't know his address  2) I hate not knowing if I have plans and what time they start because I end up wasting my day...and I HATE when people don't appreciate my time.  3) If I don't hear from him until midday or early evening tomorrow asking me to do down...do I? Yes because I'd like to see him...but No because what makes him think that kind of assumption is OK.  4) I fear if I do go down at the last minute, it would be more like a booty call...we did that at the beginning  but I can't go back to that at this point, I have no desire for that and I don't want to be stuck in that cycle.

And I don't understand his thinking.  Now that he lives 15 minutes from work, he should have time.  There is no excuse that he can't contact me in the evenings to check in.  I know he would be thinking I could contact him too, but my feelings were more on the line, and since HE wanted to continue our relationship after he moved....I would have liked HIM to reassure me it was doable for him.  I know I am capable of handling it, but I didn't think he was, and so far I am proving that right.

I haven't cried or teared up since Tuesday....so I want to say I am slowly adjusting to him not being in my life anymore.  I am hoping that with the one door closing, another one will open wide.

Last night, out of the blue, Bank Boy IMed me asking if we can resume our casual sex.  He gets so mad when I say no.  It's been what 2 - 2/12 years? He is way too needy, and I don't want to get involved in that again.  Of course I said no.

tis the season for re-hookups

It is that time of year where people are re-hooking up.  Unfortunately I am not stranger to this phenomenon - I recycle my men.  I do it because I want to keep my number low and you know what you are getting yourself into.  It makes perfect sense.

So, I have a sorta thing going with ManFriend, nothing restrictive but he constantly tells me how lucky he is to be with me, and that I turn him on, and that I am sexy as hell.

But, I've hooked up with Cop#1 about 7 times this year because he is my addiction.  We've been at it on and off for 13 years...and I love that I excite him so much.

And now, out of the woodwork I received a "poke" from Bank Boy. I didn't know you can still poke people on Facebook, but that generated a short conversation.  He suggested one more night.  But remember, he was obsessed...there is no way I can do that again because once isn't enough for him, I rocked his world a little too much.

Two days later HSK started messaging me again, first it was just catching up stuff over the last 1 1/2 years since he decided I wasn't good enough for him, but then he started complimenting me then asked to hang out.  Then more messages on different days - still filled with compliments.  We even made plans so he can show me a good time...whatever that may entail.  Normally I wouldn't go for hooking up with him again, because he was an odd conceited fellow...but no joke, his small little penis was the most satisfying and amazing sexual experiences ever.  So, why would I not try again, especially because I feel like having lame sex with ManFriend is making me forget to have decent sex.

Then comes some New Year's resolution ideas from my male friends about hooking up with them in the New Year.  I told one guy that I was open to hanging out with him again - I haven't seen him since I was friends with this girl T from college, he is/was her friend.  But his penis was HUGE...a little scary.  Add to that greesy - him and his girlfriend are rocky, so immediately he asks to bang.

Finally, the most unexpected of all was Doofy.  I never made a good impression with him in the bedroom.  His huge penis scared me, clearly I have a problem with extra large. I always felt young and inexperienced with him.  It may have been the timing too - I was a bit more insecure a few years ago.  I mean ManFriend has been with ~over 150 women, and I am not bothered with that, so just because Doofy is more experienced  I shouldn't have a problem, especially if he was willing to teach me stuff. Who doesn't love to learn?  Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a long time, so it was nice to chat with him a little bit and I was super flattered with his kind words.

What should this tell me?  It tells me that I am desirable   I mean, it isn't one person telling me I am pretty or that they want to have indecent relations with me - this is now a few of my past men...men who know me, men who've seen me naked, men who've seen the 'crazy' Denise, the 'sad' Denise, the 'happy' Denise, the super drunk Denise, and the serious Denise.  A few men, so it can't be a mistake.  If I had a tag on me, it would say 'recommended by 9.5 out of 10 men'.

So there it is, I must be pretty awesome, otherwise these men wouldn't be asking to re-hook up with me.  Tis the season, where I might let my guard down, and just do it...with all of them.  Why not?

Why my past men are important to me

I feel like I need to recount my sexual past and share with you what I've learned from them and why they were important in my life and helped me develop into who I am today and who I will become in the future.

1. Kevin - losing virginity is never fun. Glad I did it with someone I knew. One night stands are not the best.
2. Cop #1 - intense sexual attraction.  Sex all the time. 'cyber sex'. videos.  First sexual relationship and what I base most of my other encounters around.
3. Cop #2 - anal sex hurts way too much to be enjoyed without lube.
4. SI - simultaneous self masturbation. toy.  sex multiple times a day.  squirting. living with someone.  love. heartache. signs of cheating. 
5. Greasy - I don't like sex when it is suffocating. I need to breathe.
6. Bank Boy - some men won't stop until your needs are met...it was a strange feeling to have someone so attentive
7. Doofy - rough.  big penis isn't necessarily a good thing.
8. HSK - how amazing a small penis could be.  Orgasm during sex.
9. ManFriend - slow passionate (without the passion) sex.

Without all these completely different experiences I wouldn't know how to change things up a little.  Sex is truly so different with different people but there is no reason why you can't take what you learned one place and tried it with someone else.  It also helps you realize what you like and what you don't. I am thankful for all these experiences so far, and I look forward for more to come.

Bank Boy & I ride a bike

Today Bank Boy & I went for a ride on the North County Trailway.  This is the third time I rode my bike this summer - the other two times were on the Bronx River Parkway.  I was hoping that the other two times would have better helped prepare me for this ride.  We figured we'd only do the 12 miles round trip up to Yorktown.  The path was paved and quite flat - with long gradual hills.  Easier than the Bronx River Parkway so it seemed easy enough.   

But the thing is, it wasn't.  I am wondering if I have asthma.  I wasn't a sports person growing up so it was never really an issue, but lately I find that when I loose my breath, I can't catch it fast enough. I won't say I am wheezing, but my breaths aren't deep.  I feel like my breathing recovery takes way too long.

The trail this time of year was so pretty. I loved seeing the changing of leaves along the water. The trail was mostly empty with a lot of riders in spandex and runners; not many families/children. We crossed this wooden slatted bridge that we took a moment on our return to appreciate the beauty and quietness

I wish I could say that I maintained a speed of 11 mph, but it was closer to 6.5.  There was one point 1/2 mile to the end when I had nothing left, going about 5 mph that a couple that was jogging passed me.  HAHA, yes please laugh all you want. It was embarrassing.  I felt bad that I was holding Bank Boy up - I know he isn't used to traveling so slow.  I suggested that if I go with him again, we'd do the 6 miles together, I'd return back to the car & he'd keep going north to get his full of exercise at a decent pace.

On a positive note, my butt didn't ache as much as it did the first and second time I rode my bike! I was really happy about that, but my legs did ache a bit more.  I know I am not great about changing my gears, I normally keep them in 3-4 or so, but I am not sure why I can't cruise so well.  Bank Boy was barely pedaling - where I was constantly moving my legs and exerting more energy to keep going.  I need to figure that out why...if I can cruise a little then I think I'd be able to go a longer distance. 

The good news was that he adhered to the ONLY FRIENDS statement and not once did he bring anything up...until I left and was home.  Then he messaged me that he'd love to hang out more, not just bike riding, but dinner, a movie, whatever.  I don't want to give him the wrong impression, but I don't have a lot of friends, and he doesn't have many local friends right now.  It's just company.

Bank Boy close to going POSTAL

I wasn't planning on another post today...but I have to write about this.

A few days ago, Bank Boy and I text for a while.  He was being really good about not talking to me when the whole HSK thing was going on a few months ago - but still asked for sex a few times, which I denied him.  We hadn't spoken since...until Monday.  A 'normal' converstation somehow he gets to end up talking about sex.

So, just a few moments ago, Bank Boy asks me if he can see me on Saturday but I say no - I might have a date with matchmaker #2 guy - I wasn't 100% sure yet. 

He seriously just flipped out.  Here word for word:

BB - so I guess we can't meet?
BB - We can't f*ck?
Me - Not if my date is there!
BB - So what are you telling me?
Me - That it won't work
BB - So I won't ask you for sex again, I'm not your 'fall back' like other guys have you as
Me - What? You asked ME. And the date is someone new.
BB - Whatever if you really want it you can do it, but you always put me just in case nothing else happens, f*ck that!
Me - LOL, you are angry today.
BB - You think it's funny?  That's why guys keep doing it to you, isn't that funny as well?
Me - Hilarious.  Who knows, my date might end up my future husband and I am definitely not going to f*ck him right away.  As for the other guy that is over and it had nothing to do with me asking for sex.
BB - Sure Denise one day it will happen, keep waiting.
Me - I don't know why you are so mad, our 'arrangement' was just sex.  But you get so f*cking possessive, it scares me.  I haven't asked you for sex EVER. I just agreed to it.  But maybe now you will stop talking to me and harassing me for sex.
BB - I am not possessive, I don't have nor I want to (he missed a word somewhere in there), but every time  want it you put me on a waiting list, again f*ck that!
BB - Harassing you?????  HAHAHHAHA
BB - Whatever Denise, you always want to feel like the victim.  stop that, maybe that's your problem, get over it.
Me - Why are you still talking to me?
BB - Get over that Sh*it, I'm done.
Me - Good
BB - Why are you still talking to me?
(clever. use my line against me)

Hilarious stuff.
I am certainly no slut like he makes me seem.  Out of the 4 times I had sex in 2010 - 2 were with him and two were with someone else.  This year, I've gotten laid more than that...but only once or twice with him.  Sure, if I was 'desperate' I might consider it...but I've had long droughts and it doesn't bother me so much.  I certainly don't think I ever strung him along since I was constantly telling him he wasn't the guy for me, that most of the time I said no to his askings, and I was always honest with him telling him I preferred other men.  What guy is stupid enough to still ask?  Well, good for him I guess.  I might have rejected him, but at least for the last year or two I was honest about it with him, not my fault he didn't understand.

But, this does make me wonder...do I let guys treat me like how he claims? Is that why I can't hold onto a guy? I never considered that before.  Do I see myself as a victim all the time?  No, for the most part I don't.  Just of course with my two big breakups...and I did let them both string me along for a long time.  But the other guys? Hardly.  And what other guys? I am not good at meeting people. I think if I met someone...soemthing good could evolve, but generally, until now, I wasn't ready for that.  Am I attracted to the kind of guy that victimizes me? Yeah, you know what..maybe a little and it is only because that is all I have known...I don't want it, certainly.  I am sure in my future relationships it won't be like that.  Best part is, I know the signs to look for but generally if a guy shows interest - I just go with it. I eventually develop feelings. Once those feelings are there - then that is when I fight to keep the guy. 

But I never had feelings for Bank Boy.
Think this will be the last I hear from him ever? I doubt it.

rejection is hard

I recently had communications with both Bank Boy and Cop #1.  Bank Boy wanted to know how things were going with HSK which turned into a 3 hour texting conversation about why I didn't give him (BB) a chance like I did with HSK, if HSK wasn't interested I should give him a try again, etc etc.  It was a lot to handle and super annoying.  But I was considering it  :(  for a moment until he got all crazy on me.

Cop#1 I asked about the job/pensions/etc.  There were some things I needed to know for 'research' purposes.  We ended up texting on/off the whole afternoon.  He really can make me blush and smile. 

Which made me realize that at times I feel like - the kid in gym class that wants to be on team A, but team A doesn't want me.  Team B on the other hand is accepting and wants me to be on their team...team B loves me, but I just don't want to be on their team.  I keep gazing at Team A hoping they'd change their mind.  So, I keep going to Team B and am willing to be a traitor as soon as Team A calls....or I keep waiting for them to ask me and so I don't put any effort for Team B.

OK, so that was confusing...but relate the Teams to guys.  Team A could be HSK, SI or some other chap I haven't met yet.  Someone I feel comfortable around and hope to pursue something.  Team B is the recycled guys, guys that aren't available or guys I am not into.  Both Bank Boy and Cop#1 was extremely flattering and made me feel so good about myself.  They helped me realize that I am a pretty awesome chick - and made me curious why Team A doesn't like me.  Even though they are helpful, nothing can transpire with those B team guys.  But Team A....they didn't appreciate me or didn't realize how awesome I could be.  Is there a Team C?

I wonder why guys don't just tell you what is bothering them, what they would like different, or in general just being more open.  I am very adaptable - and am willing to go out of my way to make someone happy.

I like to be in control, so being rejected is really hard.

Bank Boy still lingering

It has been about a month since I told Bank Boy that I didn't want to see him socially.  I thought I'd let you know that went in his one ear and right out his other ear.  But that shouldn't be a surprise to you based on last posts.  In the last 30 days or so, he must have asked me to get together about 8 times.  This past week he was unbelievably aggressive telling me he had to 'have me' before he goes on a vacation.  yuck.  The whole idea just disgusts me and I want no part of it.  The more I tell him 'no' the more persistent he is; it must be like a quest to him.  But I have to be honest, I did think about it for a few seconds. Not because I think it would be enjoyable by any means, but because I feel like I might have messed up something else with someone else.  I am not going to do it, I still refuse to...he is way too much drama-like for me but more importantly I don't really believe in fooling around with more than one person at a time - but if I did, I still wouldn't pick Bank Boy.

Buh-Bye Bank Boy

Yesterday the guy I know from high school texted me in the AM just to say Hi and maybe to find out if I was alive from my drive home last night.  We continue to chat for a bit and wouldn't you know it, Bank Boy texts me asking to hang out with me this weekend.  I am free Saturday night, but told him I didn't want to.  Of course he expects that from me - but wanted more information, like was it just my mood this morning - maybe it would change by Saturday, that he assumed I'd want 'some', and that I would be free. So I tell him that I recently got 'some' and was content. He didn't like that....what guy would? So I had to provide more information, since he kept asking questions.  I am not really comfortable talking to one guy about another that I enjoy better.  I told him that although there is no commitment between me and the guy I know from high school, that I'd just prefer not to hook up with him since I was still feeling the happiness of the encounter.  He finally got it...that I have a 'connection' as he put it to this other fella. I didn't elaborate, but I told him that at this time, I'd prefer if we didn't hook up.

Now mind you, I am a realist.  I am willing to engage in adult activities with others...but it was a good time as any to get Bank Boy to back away.  Getting together with him was more like a chore. I didn't really enjoy it and I would have to drink a lot to be willing to perform.  After the guy I know from high school, I realize that casual sex (if that is what it is?) could be enjoyable sober.

Denise + Alcohol = Slut

Hi. My name is Denise, and I have a problem.  See, when I drink too much, I tend to do stupid things.  Let me give you some examples. 

1. In college my freshman year, I had such a crush on this kid Jackson.  Oh my goodness was he cute in a surfer Abercombie & Fitch kind of way.  Went out with some friends, over drank, puked a bunch in the bathroom...then came out saw him and went up to him told him I thought he was hot and we started talking and kissing.  My friends LEFT ME THERE and I had no choice but to go home with him.  We fooled around all night, but I didn't sleep with him...and I regret it to this day - and did the walk of shame back home that next morning.
2. Late 2001 or early 2002 I went to a local bar and met this guy. Turns out he went to my HS but was a year older than me.  He was also a cop - and we sorta just had a little in common that he drove me and my friend back to my place. I sent my friend inside and I totally went at it with this stranger in his car in my driveway.  I did some things I didn't expect.  We ended up dating a for like 3 months.
3. In early 2002 I drank way to much with a friend at a bar.  Things got kind of blurry that night, and I was kissing this guy a lot.  Turns out...it was different guys, not the same one.  Whoops.  I was hungover for three days.  I stopped drinking for 5 years after that since it scared me how much I threw up for days.
4. In 2010 I was stood up by doofy, and since I already cooked my date dinner and made dessert, I opened called anyone to come over and eat the food.  Bank Boy showed up.  3 bottles of wine later...you know what happened if you've read my blog at all. If not...catch up! 
5. In February of this year, again I drank a lot and ended up taking a high school friend home with me after at least two bottles of wine. It was very unexpected. but by far the best drunken hook up I've had.
6. In Chicago this past weekend I was at a piano bar.  I had already had 2 glasses of wine, 1 martini, a bottle of wine, and just converted to beer (probably had 5 beers there).  That seems like a lot...but it was spread out over 6 hours, but yes, I was tipsy!  So this guy makes eye contact with me, I smile because how can you not when you are singing along to music?  Next thing I know he comes over. [side note: this is the FIRST TIME I was approached in a bar/out in YEARS and YEARS].  We chat, drink, start kissing.  Next thing I know it is 2:40 AM and he wants to have sex.  I was tempted...since well, I tend to do that when drinking that much...but I had to wake up at 6 AM for a flight so I decided against it.  I have never had a one night stand and was very much tempted to do so.  My co-worker was an amazing wing-woman and didn't even realize how horrible the last 3 hours of that night probably was for her - I felt really bad.

Don't get me wrong, I don't drink that often these days.  I don't sleep around because I am nervous someone will kill me.  I worry to much, yes, I know.  But I make poor decisions when it comes to sleeping with some of these guys.  Bank boy for instance, I need to drink to fool around with him, I needed to do that with A too (you haven't heard of him yet, I don't think).  That is horrible!  I want to have more sex, a lot more...but I'd rather just do it with one person than a new person.  Until then, I guess I will keep drinking occasionally.  And if I do one day decide to have a one night stand...a real one, where I don't know the persons last name or anything about them...well then at least I can join the rankings of half our population. It could be fun.

Opps I did it again

OK, this post is going to be Too Much Information.  But the reality is, it is life.  Maybe I should call it sex and the single women, but that doesn't really encompass what just happened.

My 'first time' was a mistake, as most first times are.  I was young, but not THAT young, I waited till college.  So I consider my first 'real' time with cop#1.  I liked it a lot.  We did it everywhere and I couldn't get enough.  I talked about how physical our relationship was in previous posts, and to this day, I have never felt that with anyone else. It was intense and amazing.

I then had a very brief transition guy, Allen.  I barely remember anything about our 3 months.

Then I met SI.  Over the years of being with him, I think we had a decent sex life.  Sure it varied but on average we did 'it' 6-10 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, it just depended. Then of course there was that little rut towards the end when it only happened once a week or not at all.  The sex was good most of the time, great sometimes and became disappointing over the last 4 years - where I wondered if it was ever really good or that our emotional connection made it seem way better.

After that I attempted with three other people. One that helped me through the breakup but I was never attracted to him and kissing him repulsed me, Doofy, and then there was Bank Boy.  If you are not familiar with Bank Boy, please read up - go to the labels.

Now, I can say "Oopps I did it again".  This guy is a bit....what is the word? Crazy? Stalkerish? Controlling?  Anyway he messages me his birthday is coming up and his wish is to 'be with me' again.  I thought about it and realized that I had sex all of FOUR times in 2010.  OMG yes I just admitted that in writing.  Scary.  Now hopefully you will have pity on me.  I don't believe in casual sex and I don't know how to meet a guy, so it just never happens.  So I said yes.  But I told him after he can not harass me and beg for more (which I don't know why he does because with the lack of practice on my end...I feel very not up to par. Imagine if I was? Or that I actually liked him?).  I know it is wrong to do based on his last actions and I know he will repeat but jeez, I need to get laid on a more regular basis. 

A note to my future boyfriend/husband...I will provide you with a good amount of sex.  I know what it is like to be so deprived and I have had three years of barely any that I need to make up for.  I want to keep my 'number' low, I don't want to mess around.  When I want to be...I can knock your socks off.  So...where are you? 

Bank Boy helps me find a job

Bank Boy has made a little appearance again.  He approached me about perhaps working at his company. If I were hired, he would get some sort of bonus.  Since I was thinking about finding a new job I figured why  not?  So, this job at a huge company would mean longer hours and more stress but for more pay...but it is probably worth it at this point.  [Bank Boy & I worked together 11 years or so ago - but this time at least not in close proximity]

I have went the last four years not looking for a new job because I was hoping to find a relationship and spend time on me.  Unfortunately, the lack of money has affected me even worse, mostly because I do not have money to go out with. Work a second job or just a more stressful job and have less free time? 

I attempted to think I would work for SI doing something on the side a few hours here or there.  It would have been ideal, but it just does not seem to be working.  So, I told Bank Boy that I would send my resume over to him to pass along to the recruiters.  His company likes to see accomplishments which I really don't have many of, but I modified the resume a little and emailed it to him.

A week later I follow up to ensure he got it.  He did.  But, he also took the liberty to FIX my resume.  It isn't that I didn't try - I had about 4 people review it and provide feedback in the last 3 months.  But for him to just change things and send it?  HELLO?  Sure, I get he was trying to help - but still tell me.  What if his changes were good and I want them in my current file?  What if he had typos or his edits ruined the page layout?  What if they called me for an interview and asked about something that was on there that I didn't know about? 

Seriously.

(I did ask him to send me the file/email of what he fixed so I can either add to my current resume or at least know what he did)

Breaking up with Bank Boy

Can you break up with someone you aren't even dating?

Last night BankBoy instant messages me. this is the first time he has made contact in 2 weeks after I told him I was going to block him because of all the harassing messages.

So, of course he asks when we are going to hook up again...I say we are not. He says, I don't want a relationship. Me - I know that, but I do, and not with you. How can I meet my husband if I am messing around? blah blah blah -this continues for like 15 minutes. Then he proceeds to tell me I am 'full of myself'. I ask if he is serious, because the last thing I am is full of myself, I am actually quite insecure these days. So then we are practically yelling/fighting/arguing over IM. I finally say "look, I don't care what you think of me. I am not going to argue about this. If I am so 'full of myself' you shouldn't even want to talk to me anyway." A few more words were exchanged, and then I abruptly log off.

Maybe now he is mad enough not to harass me. And since when did it get so complicated telling someone you don't want to pursue anything? Were his reactions to me not wanting to sleep with him normal? And why should I be questioned so much about WHY NOT?

Dear Bank Boy:

Dear Bank Boy,

First I would like to tell you how fortunate I was to work with you 8 years ago. When I was 22, I really enjoyed our casual flirting while I tried to figure out the complicated adult relationships. Flirting helps one self esteem and I would like to think that you help make me secure enough in how I looked for when I found my boyfriend, SI.

Now having been reconnected through FaceBook, we have been able to catch up, for that I was happy about. A lot happens in 6 years and I did think of you often while you were serving our country.

What happened last year, as you know, was a drunken disaster. I will agree it was entertaining, but since that night, our 'friendship' has gotten strange. While I was very excited that you enjoyed your nightcap, and my self esteem was able to inch its way up a little, the constant asking when it would happen again was exhausting. More recently, I thought that perhaps a second go at it this year - provided there were no strings would help my craving (and not count as far as additional numbers) proved to be the same. While I was more comfortable with the idea this time around, it should not be this hard or complicated.

I will admit that every time I hear my phone signal I have a text - I dread looking down and seeing if it is from you asking "When can I get some?" or "Feel like an hour visit?" or "Need company". The constant badgering me makes me want to see you even less. I have told you this, repeatedly.

Also, when I say no, I do not want to have a 20 minute text message conversation about my issues, why not, if I have company over, how you don't 'get me' or about how you "think I want it too but can't admit it". If I wanted it, I would let you know - just like the last time.

I informed you that I didn't want strings or something more than casual. I was not looking for someone I had to talk (IM, text included) to everyday.

I am a single woman who had spent years in a monogamous relationship. I have no idea how to be single and honestly, the thought of sleeping around disgusts me. I'd rather not do it. The few times I have tried to venture out of my comfort zone to try satisfying those needs - have mostly been horrible and not worth it. It is very difficult to enjoy sex when you don't have any feelings for a person, it is slightly easier when you are drunk. But what does being drunk all the time say? It says it shouldn't be happening in the first place.

As much as I am thrilled that you desire me & I should disregard thoughts that maybe I'm not good in bed since clearly, I must be good enough for you to harass me over the last 15 months. I must insist that this charade end. It is wearing me down.

I would like to thank you for helping improve my sexual self esteem. As you can imagine when SI cheated on me with an ex-stripper, it was very difficult to deal with - but he kept me around too. Although I've had enough 'blasts from the past' to let me know that I am actually quite good in bed - when I want to be. I am very much looking forward to my next relationship, and I am sorry to have to say you won't be it. To that end, I would like to say 'good bye'.


And for your enjoyment, some amazing text/IM conversations we have had:

April 21: BB - sleeping? ME - if I was, would you feel bad? BB -actually yes, i don't want to bother you when you are sleeping unless I'm next to you. ME - are you drunk? BB- no, do you want me to be? ME - I honestly don't care one way or the other. To what do I owe this chat? BB-I know you don't care about me, just wanted to say hi....and to see when you're gonna let me undress you again. ME - I like you as a person. BB- what other ways can you like a person? I think you want it just like I do, but too 'afraid' to admit it.

April 24 1:27AM. BB - sleeping? ME- this is unacceptable. That is a warning. BB - ??? ME (6:19AM) - see, you prob don't like to be woken up. Don't text me in middle of night.

May 5: BB - Cinco de mayo. Me- Yup. BB - Maybe I can see you later, just tell me the time and I'll be there. Me - nope, girls night. BB - after you're done with them. ME -Nope. BB - that's wrong. BB (10:22pm) I'm waiting for you. ME - sleeping. BB - Need company?

May 11: BB - When am I going to try your cooking again?

May 17: BB - When am I going to have the privilege of trying your food again?

May 19: BB - When can we meet? ME - STOP. BB- What do you mean? ME - Everyday? Are you going to ask that EVERY DAY? BB- I am asking this because I'd like to see you and I strongly believe that you feel the same, but you keep playing this game. ME - it is really annoying on a daily basis. Just relax a bit.

May 28: BB - still moody? ME - moody with everyone. BB- what can i do to help. ME - you cant. BB - I can try. ME - what with sex? I can sustain w/o that. BB - but that isn't healthy. ME- casual sex isn't the answer, and I have a feeling you'd get a little clingy. BB - well, you are wrong, I only wish we can hang out again. I'm not clingy. if I've been insistent, its because I liked what we had and wish we can repeat it..... (later) I'm not asking you to marry or be my girlfriend, i just want to hang out.

Then I did 'hang out'

June 7: BB - do you want to meet up sometime this week? ME: super busy week (it wasn't). BB - not even for an hour visit? ME- nope. BB - I see. I guess i am done again? ME - why must you label it? if it happens it happens. but i said casual. i wasn't looking for once or more a week. BB- I'm not either but I kinda wanted a second time

June 8: BB- how is your night? ME - fine. BB - so is there any chance to have #3 this week? (later) ????? ME - text messages don't mean instant response.

June 13: BB - Feel like an hour visit? ME - nope. (later) BB - When can I get some?

June 16 via FB Chat:
9.04pm BB - Hello Ms.Moody. ME- I'm not moody. BB-OK but you always have a tone of an attitude. You have an attitude towards everything I do. ME- OR you are just not happy with my responses. BB- why are you like that with me. ME - because you question everything. BB- its not that, I asked a question, that is it. I don't get you. ME- I don't know, I just re-read our conversation I don't see why you are upset. BB - Sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. ME-You don't need to deal with it. BB - we F*ck and then...nothing. ME - ...and then what? I told you straight up I didn't want anything else. BB - but with you, you never know. ME - well, I am sorry that it bothers you but it is nothing new. BB - I enjoy having 'casual' sex with you. I really do. When can we do it again? ME - I am going to sleep. goodnight.

June 22: BB-I thought about you over the weekend.

June 23: BB- Must be busy... ME- Yes busy, and I think it would be best if we didn't text for a while. BB- Why is that? ME- Do I need a reason? I just can't handle this. BB- Handle what? A text message? ME- I am so flattered that you are interested. I am. And for good reasons. However I can't handle all the communication and your persistance. You are a nice guy. I am just not in the same place as you. BB- I don't want a relationship, I like what we do when we get together and I thought you did too. BB- If you want me to be sincere, I like having sex with you. BB- I like taking your clothes off. Have your **** in my mouth. ME- I wonder if I can block phone numbers....I might have to look into that. Those are the kinds of texts that make me want to see/talk to you even less.

I KID YOU NOT these are verbatim conversations....how would YOU deal with it? Now if only I had the guts to send that first part. But I am too nice for that.

booty call leads to alcoholism

So, I am sitting in my apartment drinking old wine...waiting for bank boy to come over for a booty call. Who am I? I have to say after my Mexican trip when I barely got laid, I've been horny. Am I crazy...bank boy? Anyway, I think the more important issue is that again I have to drink a little to casually hook up with someone. I know this is a huge problem, but I am more relaxed (key is to not drink too much) but it is a problem. I don't know what is worse.

Trip Firsts

Yeah, it's Friday, the last day of my trip themed blog. I was starting to worry I wouldn't have anything else to write about today.

This trip marked some firsts for me:

• First time traveling with a guy that I was very casually dating
• First time at an all-inclusive resort
• First time I spent a night in Mexico
• First time I sat in an airplane row with extra leg room
• First time as an adult, being in public wearing a bikini
• First time I got so badly sunburned my face was swollen for 2 days and am disgustingly peeling (credit to all you super light skinned people who endure this all the time)
• First time unintentionally mooning everyone in the pool
• First time being fish-hooked
• First time on a vacation where I did nothing
• First time I swung on a swing drinking beer
• First time I wore a strapless bra
• First time I drank Mexican beer (that's right - I'm a bud light drinker. I do not drink Coronas: however that is all this place had on tap. I did drink that and then in town I tried Modelo, Sol, Leon and Pacifico)

Should I bother with my list of lasts? Nah, I think you got the hint already.

When I turned my phone on after landing, bankboy texted me when we getting together...and I was actually debating it.

Anyway, it was GREAT to get away. I really enjoyed the sun and the time to de-stress. My Feb-April was super stressful and this was well needed. It was not, by far, my ideal trip, but it did the job.

"flash" back

Today I was chatting with Bank Boy about my hesitation to ever see him again. We were chatting about my insecurities and I realized it may have all started back in high school.

Who doesn't like attention? I liked attention from boys, but it got out of hand. I was in the 11th grade and high school was the worst place for me; I was constantly tortured and teased by the junior & senior boys because I had huge boobs (and I was skinny back then). I didn't understand what sexual harassment was -- and actually didn't learn that term until 2 years later. The boys would leave messages on the house answering machine that my parents would hear that would thank them for blessing me with succulent breasts that they can stare at all day and hope to play with. My parents heard these messages. Humiliating. One day it became too much to handle, and I wanted to end it. The boys had repeatedly asked if I'd flash them, I always said no. Then this particular day, I said OK. We were at lunch, and we went outside (me & the 3 or 4 seniors). I lifted up my shirt for all of 5 seconds. Bra stayed on. Before the school day was out 95% of the school heard about this & nicknamed me flash. I didn't go to school for the rest of the week - I was ashamed and embarrassed...but eventually a month later, people just stopped talking to me. I lost a few friends...but I didn't care. My senior year was only 4 periods & I worked...I just couldn't wait to go away to college and leave those people.

College was better, but guys just assumed with a body like mine, I was a slut. In fact when the complete opposite was true. I was too scared to do much because I knew it was for the wrong reasons. In college, I was super drunk one night that flashed a lot of guys at a frat party - which of course involved alcohol. My sorority sisters didn't like it one bit - and I apologized in a letter for my behavior - but I also questioned why flashing was deemed worse that all their casual sex with the frat boys. I ended up quitting the sorority a month later.

Sex was a big deal back then - and while I didn't partake in those activities, the treatment I received from guys in high school and college was enough to damage me. Many times men were only interested in me for my unusually large chest to say they saw them or touched them. Maybe it became contests. Because of this, I had a hard time trusting anyone and understanding why someone would want to be with me for me.

Sometimes it isn't a matter of getting over it - but it is more of accepting who you are and new people aren't those kids who made your life hell. The feelings never go away -- because so many guys are assholes and their behavior still goes with everything I just discussed. I will probably always have insecurities about my body and trust issues but when you find someone you like enough, those feelings get put on the back burner.

I'm a push over, so what?

A pushover:

push·o·ver  –noun (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/pushover)
1. Informal . anything done easily.
2. Informal . an easily defeated person or team.
3. Informal . a person who is easily persuaded, influenced, or seduced.

I was told by some guy I am very informally talking to that it bothers him that I am a pushover. I'll admit in parts of my life I am, I am not hiding that. But, does it have to be a bad thing? I think there are parts of our personalities that fall into different categories.

For example, I am definitely a push over when it comes to where to eat. I honestly DON'T CARE. I eat enough food that I should be able to find something I like, anywhere. And if I am really against someplace, I WILL let you know. But for the most part, I am flexible, I'd rather make you happy. It truly does not matter to me one bit where I go, just that I enjoy the company - and if you are paying...even more reason to let you pick. If I am cooking for you, more than not I am the one deciding what to make. If I really am craving something I will tell you. AND if you know me, you'll know where I like to go and you'd pick that since you know its my favorite. If that makes me a pushover, so be it. I don't care.

example #2 - My job requires me to talk to a lot of people. People talk to me on the phone like I am their servant. But, since my job requires me to actually do work, I take it all with a grain of salt. However, when some doctor thought he was above me and spent 10 minutes yelling crazy stuff to me, I had no problem raising my voice and sticking up for myself. Sure, I could have gotten fired because we don't do that...but I was NOT going to allow him to say those things, get away with it and make ME feel crappy about something that wasn't even my fault. And you know what, that horrible man called me later to apologize. I did not easily accept his apology, but he realized he was wrong, and hopefully learned his lesson that the person on the other end is a person too. verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER.

example #3 - I am seriously dating someone, they suggest I cut my my super long hair or buy this skirt or these jeans. I do it. Why? A few reasons. 1) They have to look at me everyday, I want them to like what they see. If they like short hair, they can have it. I don't care, it will grow back. If I don't look retarded, why not? A new brand of jeans - that he paid for, sure I'll be happy to wear those. And you know what, I eventually like them anyway. What's not to like, its just clothes. They guy wants you to look nice for him, and you should. A women should be amenable to changes to please someone, they are simple and make him happy to be with you, its win-win. And you know what - it is no different then agreeing to play out some sexual fantasy the guy likes...and of course that isn't construed as being a push over - it is expected. There is no difference. 2) Sometimes you loose tract of time, or in my case, I wear contacts all the time, and my glasses were really old. I don't know how to pick out glasses, so why not let someone else do it? It makes you feel like you are sharing a life.

me: Hey. so i was just wondering. Did you stop liking me 5 years ago because I am a pushover? It was just brought to my attention that that seems to be a big problem for me. You dont need to answer, but i was curious. Sent at 3:05 PM on Monday
SI: No. I actually found that to be a fun, easy going quality.That was one of the things I liked most about youthe ease with which we got along Sent at 3:28 PM on Monday
me: Thank you for your honesty
SI: you're welcome

Verdict: MAYBE a pushover - maybe it just depends on how two specific people get along?

example #4 - someone easily controlled. Unfortunately, I can tell you my verdict right away: YES, pushover. Unfortunately I did spend time in a controlling relationship. It was not as bad as you see in lifetime movies, but all those slightly controlling times do add up. It is hard to explain, but the constant cycle of being told to do this, doing it and seeking approval eventually does change you. You are constantly left with feeling you need to prove your love by doing something this way or doing that because that is what they want. You are struggling to make him happy so he doesn't follow through with what he has threatened. It is emotionally draining and you do not realize it until way later. Even after my breakup, this cycle continued with him for another 2 1/2 years - regardless of how much he hurt me, I was 'fighting' with the need to please him. It wasn't until recently, that I was able to break away enough to look from an outside perspective and see the damage. People that have not been in these situations and talk about how stupid women are to stay with men in abusive relationships - should not judge them, you have NO CLUE. My relationship was not physical abuse, thank goodness. But the mind games eats away at you.

example #5 - Hooking up with guys. I am definitely NOT a slut. I have had relations with very few men. After my breakup, I knew I needed to move on, and to do that, it is helpful to hook up with someone, so you aren't constantly thinking about your ex & how awesome the sex was. Against my better judgement, I did, willingly, let myself be persuaded to hook up with someone I was not interested in. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and experiment, but when it came down to it, I did stop myself. I did not continue hooking up even when I had nothing else going on. I did put my foot down and continued to say no.

me: do you have an example of me NOT being a pushover?
Sent at 11:24 AM on Monday
BOY: You have a backbone
me: I am trying to figure that out.
BOY: you've turned me down before
Sent at 11:31 AM on Monday
me: I guess, but I also said sure, you can feel my boob, but my bra is staying on. Then it was off in like a minute. And then I said that about my pants too.

example 5b - I am the obsession of a man's desires. I keep turning that boy down too. I was rude to him when he drunken called me at 2am for a bootycall. I was not easily persuaded to do it again with him. I'd rather go through a long dry spell then do something I am not comfortable with.

verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. If I was, I would be a slut.

example #6 - I'm on the train and pregnant lady asks to sit. Men don't move - pretend not to hear, I get up and offer my seat. Verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. I did it out of kindness, and all those men should be ashamed of themselves for not being kind.

So, I like making people happy. It makes me happy. I like helping people, I like seeing people smile. And it if it because I say "YES" or apologize too often, so be it. When something bothers me enough, I WILL stand up for myself. When I do not agree with something you say, I might point it out. All I ask if for those kind things to be reciprocated once in a while. I am a little envious of others who do not care about what other people think, but I am not like that. I could try for a day, but I would not be happy. If me being a pushover is a quality you don't like about me, I really don't care, we don't need to be friends and I will spread my kindness to others.

I'm your obsession

Let's take a short trip down memory lane to 1984, Animotion sang the song Obsession. This song has been stuck in my head the last few days because it seems I am the object of some one's obsession. Having read the lyrics (below) I can honestly say, this song is exactly what is going on in the poor soul's head.

Animotion - Obsession Lyrics
You are an obsession, I cannot sleep. I am a possession unopened at your feet. There is no balance, no equality. Be still I will not accept defeat.

I will have you, yes I will have you. I will find a way and I will have you. Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly. I will collect you and capture you.

You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me (x2)

I feed you, I drink you by day and by night. I need you, I need you by sun or candlelight. You protest, you want to leave. You say there's no alternative.

Your face appears again, I see the beauty there. But I see danger, stranger beware. A circumstance in your naked dreams. Your affection is not what it seems.

You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me (x2)

My fantasy has turned to madness. All my goodness has turned to badness. My need to possess you has consumed my soul. My life is trembling, I have no control.

I will have you, yes I will have you. I will find a way and I will have you. Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly. I will collect you and capture you.

You are an obsession, you're my obsession. Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me (x2 an fade)

I suppose I need to share a few more details about this. I will call him Bank Boy. I met Bank Boy in 2001 for a little less than 2 years we worked together - which of course requires flirting when you are in your low 20s. Long story short, after we did "IT" one night after sharing 3 bottles of wine he wanted to do it again. Sure, many relationships are built on that, but I was not ready or prepared for that. A year later the persistent interest and obsession in doing "IT" coupled with me saying NO over and over again - has made me singing the song every time I get a text from him.

Lesson learned - there is no way to attempt a one night stand/casual sex with someone you knew in your past AND don't drink 1 1/2 bottles of wine for you will suffer the consequences.