Monday, April 26, 2010

I'm a push over, so what?

A pushover:

push·o·ver  –noun (
1. Informal . anything done easily.
2. Informal . an easily defeated person or team.
3. Informal . a person who is easily persuaded, influenced, or seduced.

I was told by some guy I am very informally talking to that it bothers him that I am a pushover. I'll admit in parts of my life I am, I am not hiding that. But, does it have to be a bad thing? I think there are parts of our personalities that fall into different categories.

For example, I am definitely a push over when it comes to where to eat. I honestly DON'T CARE. I eat enough food that I should be able to find something I like, anywhere. And if I am really against someplace, I WILL let you know. But for the most part, I am flexible, I'd rather make you happy. It truly does not matter to me one bit where I go, just that I enjoy the company - and if you are paying...even more reason to let you pick. If I am cooking for you, more than not I am the one deciding what to make. If I really am craving something I will tell you. AND if you know me, you'll know where I like to go and you'd pick that since you know its my favorite. If that makes me a pushover, so be it. I don't care.

example #2 - My job requires me to talk to a lot of people. People talk to me on the phone like I am their servant. But, since my job requires me to actually do work, I take it all with a grain of salt. However, when some doctor thought he was above me and spent 10 minutes yelling crazy stuff to me, I had no problem raising my voice and sticking up for myself. Sure, I could have gotten fired because we don't do that...but I was NOT going to allow him to say those things, get away with it and make ME feel crappy about something that wasn't even my fault. And you know what, that horrible man called me later to apologize. I did not easily accept his apology, but he realized he was wrong, and hopefully learned his lesson that the person on the other end is a person too. verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER.

example #3 - I am seriously dating someone, they suggest I cut my my super long hair or buy this skirt or these jeans. I do it. Why? A few reasons. 1) They have to look at me everyday, I want them to like what they see. If they like short hair, they can have it. I don't care, it will grow back. If I don't look retarded, why not? A new brand of jeans - that he paid for, sure I'll be happy to wear those. And you know what, I eventually like them anyway. What's not to like, its just clothes. They guy wants you to look nice for him, and you should. A women should be amenable to changes to please someone, they are simple and make him happy to be with you, its win-win. And you know what - it is no different then agreeing to play out some sexual fantasy the guy likes...and of course that isn't construed as being a push over - it is expected. There is no difference. 2) Sometimes you loose tract of time, or in my case, I wear contacts all the time, and my glasses were really old. I don't know how to pick out glasses, so why not let someone else do it? It makes you feel like you are sharing a life.

me: Hey. so i was just wondering. Did you stop liking me 5 years ago because I am a pushover? It was just brought to my attention that that seems to be a big problem for me. You dont need to answer, but i was curious. Sent at 3:05 PM on Monday
SI: No. I actually found that to be a fun, easy going quality.That was one of the things I liked most about youthe ease with which we got along Sent at 3:28 PM on Monday
me: Thank you for your honesty
SI: you're welcome

Verdict: MAYBE a pushover - maybe it just depends on how two specific people get along?

example #4 - someone easily controlled. Unfortunately, I can tell you my verdict right away: YES, pushover. Unfortunately I did spend time in a controlling relationship. It was not as bad as you see in lifetime movies, but all those slightly controlling times do add up. It is hard to explain, but the constant cycle of being told to do this, doing it and seeking approval eventually does change you. You are constantly left with feeling you need to prove your love by doing something this way or doing that because that is what they want. You are struggling to make him happy so he doesn't follow through with what he has threatened. It is emotionally draining and you do not realize it until way later. Even after my breakup, this cycle continued with him for another 2 1/2 years - regardless of how much he hurt me, I was 'fighting' with the need to please him. It wasn't until recently, that I was able to break away enough to look from an outside perspective and see the damage. People that have not been in these situations and talk about how stupid women are to stay with men in abusive relationships - should not judge them, you have NO CLUE. My relationship was not physical abuse, thank goodness. But the mind games eats away at you.

example #5 - Hooking up with guys. I am definitely NOT a slut. I have had relations with very few men. After my breakup, I knew I needed to move on, and to do that, it is helpful to hook up with someone, so you aren't constantly thinking about your ex & how awesome the sex was. Against my better judgement, I did, willingly, let myself be persuaded to hook up with someone I was not interested in. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and experiment, but when it came down to it, I did stop myself. I did not continue hooking up even when I had nothing else going on. I did put my foot down and continued to say no.

me: do you have an example of me NOT being a pushover?
Sent at 11:24 AM on Monday
BOY: You have a backbone
me: I am trying to figure that out.
BOY: you've turned me down before
Sent at 11:31 AM on Monday
me: I guess, but I also said sure, you can feel my boob, but my bra is staying on. Then it was off in like a minute. And then I said that about my pants too.

example 5b - I am the obsession of a man's desires. I keep turning that boy down too. I was rude to him when he drunken called me at 2am for a bootycall. I was not easily persuaded to do it again with him. I'd rather go through a long dry spell then do something I am not comfortable with.

verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. If I was, I would be a slut.

example #6 - I'm on the train and pregnant lady asks to sit. Men don't move - pretend not to hear, I get up and offer my seat. Verdict: NOT A PUSHOVER. I did it out of kindness, and all those men should be ashamed of themselves for not being kind.

So, I like making people happy. It makes me happy. I like helping people, I like seeing people smile. And it if it because I say "YES" or apologize too often, so be it. When something bothers me enough, I WILL stand up for myself. When I do not agree with something you say, I might point it out. All I ask if for those kind things to be reciprocated once in a while. I am a little envious of others who do not care about what other people think, but I am not like that. I could try for a day, but I would not be happy. If me being a pushover is a quality you don't like about me, I really don't care, we don't need to be friends and I will spread my kindness to others.

1 comment:

  1. #1 I think here you need to examine how you define, "push over". Unopinionated could also be considered a pushover. Like how you "don't care" where you eat. Sometimes people just don't want to have to be the deciding person. Fletcher and I always take turns, even if "neither of us care" and neither of us really like to be the decider. But I know how frustrating it can be when the person you're with is undecided and you're just plain tired of being the "decider"
    #2 GOOD FOR YOU! I hate it when people think they're above you because they make more money than you, or because you are "working for them". Way to stand up for yourself!!
    #3 I agree doing things for your partner if they want you to. But sometimes again, people like it when you tell them no. Its a fine line between being agreeable and being a pushover. So many of these words are synonymous. Its good to be agreeable as long as you are getting things done for you as well. Doing things to be nice to your partner is very different that doing things to be "liked" by your partner. At the time you may not even realize what your intent is. Just remember to be true to yourself too.
    #4 again, see #3
    #5 hooking up has nothing to do with being a pushover. Its okay to be a woman and like to have sex. Sometimes you just want to do it! The double standard of sex between men and women is really unfair. As long as YOU are comfortable with what YOU'RE doing, then NO ONE has the place to judge you.
    #6 those guys are just assholes! Nothing to do with being a pushover.