changed me

People keep saying that you can't change people.  I am not sure I agree.  I am not talking about the socks your partner doesn't pick up off the floor or the way someone chews, I am talking about something deeper.

I look back at who I was 10 years ago and I look at me now; I am sort of the same person but I am different (overlooking the normal physical changes of aging).  I am who I am now because of the life experiences and people who have impacted me over those years.  If it weren't for those specific people and the situations we had together, I would be someone else.

Those people may not have intentionally tried to change me, but unknowingly they have.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the person I've become.  I am just not sure I would be who I am if it wasn't for those people.  My personality is a little more serious than it was, even though I still have a great fun side; it just takes the right person to bring it out. My trust level and fear of commitment has increased as well.  And I know I doubt myself a lot more now than I did then.  Why? Because when you are lied to, mislead and taken advantage of over and over, it makes you question who you are and you try to correct it so it doesn't keep happening...and therefore you try to change yourself because of those people.

I hate that I have been less confident and insecure; it is playing a toll on me.  I've done a lot of internal work to bring this back up to 'normal'; it has been a very slow progression, and I am way better than before, but not at a place I want to be.  

birthday love

I haven't been fond of my birthday for many years now.  I can't say why exactly, is it a fear of aging? Is it a fear of getting old but still alone? Is it because I never imagined I'd be here at this age...I thought I'd be happily married with kids, living in a house, working part time?  Of course it is probably a combination of all them plus more.

I had quite a bit of people approach me for wanting to take me out to breakfast, lunch or dinner...I must have had about 8 birthday meals in the last week and a half.  Some included Peruvian, lobster, omelette, pasta, a sandwich and cake & champagne.

With the social networking, I even had a bunch of people wish me a happy birthday.  Some people I haven't spoken to in years others I've talked to on a daily basis.  Many of whom I didn't wish a happy birthday when it was their turn.  Does that make me a bad person?

As the day ended, I realized I didn't cry this year. I was shocked, maybe I am making progress.  Maybe I am starting to accept that I am aging, that I am alone and that I don't have my own family.  Or maybe I was just too busy to think about it.

The one thing that was missing on my birthday was receiving birthday wishes from the men in my life.  I knew I wouldn't hear from ManFriend...even though I left him a message on his birthday back in June, but that was a few days before the real end.  I don't think he even had any idea when my birthday was either.  I didn't hear from Cop#1...and I still talk to him.  A few days later when prompted, he realized it and vowed to make it up to me.  But even more upsetting was I was hoping Mountain Man would have remembered since it came up when we were looking at each other's licences just the week before.  He didn't remember, but then again there was alcohol involved and I may have been a really long one night stand.  The only one that I heard from was Doofy, I was touched.

how blogging has changed me

I started blogging after a breakup.  I had a lot of free time on my hands and I had a hard time concentrating on anything.  I felt like I had a lot of things to say and I wanted to share my thoughts and ideas with other people who might have been in a similar situation.  I wanted to write a self help book...but how could I when I couldn't help myself?  I had to figure out who I was and how to get better and heal myself.

Unfortunately, at the beginning I didn't want to share too much, and I wasn't certain if what I wanted to write about was really how I felt.  During that transition time, my head and my heart were playing tug of war.  I could say one thing about never getting back together with SI, but the truth was if he asked I would have went back.  So who was I go give advice and say one thing but do another...I hate that, so I didn't.  Most of my early blog posts were rubbish.  But it got me into trying to do something every day.  I needed new routine, it slowly replaced all the texts/IMs that I used to exchange with SI.

Little by little as my self esteem started to go up a little and I was becoming frustrated with these new experiences I was trying to have to fit in and move on, I started expressing my thoughts and feelings.  Sitting down a few times a week staring at the computer thinking about what to think about or carrying on with life and something affected me, I started to think not only about that item, but also about me.  Why did those things bother me so much? Why can't I let something go? Am I the only one that thinks this way?  Am I the only person this happens to?  I don't want other people to have to go through what I went through.

I started learning more about myself.  Not only by writing a post, but by going back and reading things from months or years earlier.  The blog has become my diary; but it isn't like the diary I kept as a kid which was all gossip about my so called 'friends' at school or my daily life.  Sure, I have some of those things in here too, but more so I am figuring things out.  I am using it as a tool and there have been times where my posts have even helped me during my life coach sessions.

Blogging has helped me get through a really difficult few years.  It was my version of therapy - I went to one therapy session and hated it.  But blogging, such few people were reading about me, I was anonymous, people could judge me but rarely have they voiced their opinions.  My readership has slowly increased and they seem to read my 'fluff' posts more than the ones that to me were deeper, but that is OK because this blog is more for me than anyone else.  Maybe I shouldn't have it public since it is more for myself, but then I don't feel accountable, and I need some sort of accountability - I can't go back and say 'I never said that' or reread my posts and realize I should have done something sooner, enough procrastinating.

After 3 1/2 years of blogging, I can honestly say I am doing better.  I am more comfortable with myself and I am more confident.   I think I know myself pretty well and I've discovered things I know I can't deal with when it comes to other people, and I've discovered things I can't live without.  There isn't one post for each of those things, but rather it is from cumulative things that have happened and multiple posts or stories that built up to those revelations.

I can only hope to continue to discover more about myself and at the same time be able to share with you better quality information.  For a while I was so frustrated and that showed in my posts, which I know sucked but yet, they were real...these are things single people go through.  And if anything, the last three years might have opened some people's eyes.  Not all lives are fantastic or fairy tales...there are struggles, confusion, lust, love and heartache.  You aren't alone, but we'll figure it out eventually, maybe even together.  And until then, I will continue to share my life experience and I hope I help in whatever way you need.

things you don't realize

My aunt posted this on facebook, and while I don't normally share these kinds of things, I think this one touches home for me.

Just something to think about...Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. 

I had a few really hard years.  I became a much stronger person emotionally because of it, but my feelings do get hurt and I am emotional and I cry, and those feelings stay with me longer than they should...yes, I am extremely sensitive.  

I am so kind to people.  I can give you thousands of examples of ways I've helped people or were there for them when they needed me during both happy and sad times.  I've changed my plans when someone is really in need.  But yet...I don't ask a lot of people in return, and because of that...I don't get help from them when I need it.  People just assume that I am 100% self sufficient.  And while I am very independent  I feel like I shouldn't always ask for help.  Or if I do, I expect people to be there for me...and I am always disappointed   I try not to give as much to people, but then I feel guilty. I can't help people financially, I can mostly just give with support and time and little things that I know they need...and I buy them things that I think can help.  Or the times that my love and kindness radiate and people walk all over that kindness and treat me so horribly - leaving me damaged and scarred.

And yes, it is hard to say I love you, I am sorry and I need help.   I've only said I love you to two men, one I was sure about, one not so much.  I was never first.  The I am sorry is difficult because we are stubborn people.  But as I am getting older, I am starting to say it just to break the tension, even if I don't believe I am at fault or should say it first...I do; because if I've learned anything in the last 10 years, saying you are sorry opens the door to other communication and that is what really matters and it could have prevented more problems.  And yes, saying I need help is very difficult for me. Most of the time I don't want to burden people and I feel guilty.  The times I ask my family for help...is when they know I need it. I am not the little girl crying wolf, if I ask for help, I truly need help.  I don't do it for attention and so people can cater to me.  But I don't like to seem weak and incapable.

Looking happy is not the same as being happy.  I haven't been happy in years.  I have my moments of course where I am happy, and it is an amazing feeling.  And I wonder how I can go through life not feeling like that every day.  To anyone else, I feel 100% fine.  I smile, I dress and act appropriate in public.  It is not a front. I am making due with the situation.  I am getting by.  But those people, 'friends' included don't know - but they should be able to pick up on a few small things if they were good enough friends. I am not a blabber mouth (maybe on the blog I am but not in real life) and I keep a lot to myself.  So of course people don't know how much I hurt or all the times I cry or am sad or going through a hard time.  And being single is harder...I don't have a spouse to talk to, I am alone.  If you asked most of the people I know if they thought I was dating someone the last 19 months...all but one would say no.  It wasn't a secret, but it never came up and people don't ask about me.  So the last month after the relationship ended...I felt all alone, no one to talk to...which is why I blog. Because I get all my frustrations and thoughts out of me.

You never know when people are going a hard time or have issues.  I can only ask that everyone treats people the way they should with respect and kindness at all time.

One Thing I Do Every Day

One thing I do everyday is make my bed.  While in elementary school, my parents instilled in us that we had to clean our room and put away our clothes.  After a while making the bed became a habit.

These days, my routine is that I wake, then I shower and then I make the bed...just to give my sheets time to air out.  If I don't do it after getting out of the shower, I can't function...I think about the mess.  Days where I unmake my bed to wash sheets...I usually put on a the second set....but sometimes I feel like a certain color. I have blue and brown.  So when I want to use the same sheets, those 2 hours I try not to go into the bedroom to see the comforter and blanket on the floor.  While I am happy about the mattress pad airing out...it is like watching the clock until my bedroom will be back to normal.

My bed  is layered like this:  mattress, mattress pad, bed bug pad, heat absorbing pad, fitted sheet, flat sheet, cotton blanket, heavier blanket (in winter), comforter.  I have a king size bed and the bed frame is a nice dark wood, so I have to tuck most of the sheets and blankets in so you can see the side/foot board.  I say 'you' but the truth is, very few people ever go into my bedroom.  So why all the fuss to make it neat?  Especially when the other things on the shelves are a mess!  But for me I think it comes down to a sense of peace - the bed takes up a huge chunk of the room, and I need to be able to look in there and see it made up and clean.

One other great thing about making my bed is that I hope it eliminates/reduces the possibility of bugs getting in there.  I guess for a while I lived in a basement apartment that was infested with spiders and centipedes and I have no doubt that I've slept with bugs and have been bitten at night.  A horrible thing for someone so scared of insects!  

Mornings I'd wake up in someone else's bed...I make that one too.  I'd feel guilty if I left it all a mess.  

Validation and appreciation

Not only do I seek reassurance that I was a good partner in a relationship, but I strive for that same validation in the workplace.

The thing with breakups is that you never really know what the other person thinks of you.  They might be nice and are holding their tongue because they don't want to start a fight or stoop to a low level; they might be lying when they say the loved you and will miss you.  Sometimes not saying anything is worse than not knowing.  I can't be the only person who wonders if any of my past men ever think about me.  We can go back as far as high school...but let's just stick to my 9 men for now.  There are 2 I never think about, unless I am counting my number.  There are two, well, three now that I will think about often enough - the same three that I tend to compare new people to.  and that leaves 4 that I hear from on occasion/somewhat regularly and are polite and nice to, but that is about it.  But regardless of the depth of those relationships...I still wonder what these people thought of me.  Do they think of me? Do they miss me?  its not because I think it would make any difference but because I strive to reach my own level of satisfaction.  And I want to continue to do well or better in future relationships.

Those same thoughts that I have about the past men, I have about work.  When I was at the interview with my current job, the HR lady said "...who ever fills this position has huge shoes to fill."  I was a little annoyed with this statement.  Don't you think the person replacing me at my job as huge shoes to fill?  I do. At least I thought so, but my opinion doesn't matter.  I was not trying to be conceited  but I did my job very well, I was never perfect, I made mistakes, but I gave it 150%.  But was I good? Would I be missed?  How does one know this?  After I was offered the job and gave my notice, I had teary goodbyes with some of my clients always promising to keep in touch.  And for a while I would send an email here or there checking in - and I saw a few when they were in town, but was that because we had decent professional relationships or because they valued me?   As it turns out, my sister works for the same company I worked for...so in this particular situation, I do have feedback.  While it's been over  a year, she did tell me that people still talk about me or refer to the way I did things as a a baseline for acceptance  the way I juggled so much work, the level of service I gave to my clients and the fact that I continued to work after the SI breakup (I only took one day off) and there were times I had teary eyes at work - I was still there and dedicated and still worked my butt off...and this came up because some fairly new girl wasn't showing up for work and speculation was that maybe she was depressed from a relationship.  I was touched. I mean, I knew I was good at my job but I was thrilled to hear other people appreciated me and missed me.  I was happy to hear that my department isn't doing well and they have issues...they might not have appreciated me when I was there, so maybe it took me leaving for them to value the work I did.

Validation and appreciation is so important.  I think it helps us grow, because when we receive this positive feedback, we continue to strive to maintain that or exceed it to keep the people happy.  I don't know about you, but I want to be the best I can be, and I am willing to put the effort in for the self improvement.

personal area of improvement

Every once in a while during the last two years I'd search for a class on small talk.  I didn't find anything.  Then this spring the local continuing education center had a class called "how to schmooze", I figured it was close enough so I signed up for this two night class.

Even though I've worked with clients for the last 7 years and have a lot of customer service going back 15+ years, I have a really hard time with talk about nothing.  I usually talk with a purpose whether I want to know something or if I am sharing a specific piece of information.  Talking about nothing is really hard for me.  My mom and two of my sisters have this skill, but my father, a sister and I do not.

This class was more business oriented, which I was fine with since I want this skill for work.  When I have cocktail receptions and dinners with the volunteers I am with them for hours and I struggle with how to start a conversation that isn't work related.  Unfortunately the class was more networking like - how to work the room, how to join the circle, etc.

The teacher provided some articles, books and some websites with tips...but honestly I know the best practices, I've read all about them...I wanted help how to DO them.  There was some 'public speaking' as we all had to get up in front of the class and speak, and I am 95% fine with that...my issue isn't speaking; I am fine speaking about things I am knowledgeable about.  The teacher and a few of the participants came up to me and said they were surprised I felt I needed to attend the class, I come across and not having an 'issue'.

So, I guess it is good that I don't project that shy timid persona.  And maybe this class wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but it gave me a few good tips, although I don't know how practical some of them are in real life situations.

But I do have a problem; I cannot maintain a conversation that either I don't really care one inkling about or after someone asks me a question, and I answer with a very brief succinct answer, I can't keep it going - I don't ask followup questions and I don't elaborate. Sometimes I can't think that fast other times I really don't know where to start, or I don't even know what kind of question to ask. I don't come across as a bitch, I am super sweet and I smile a lot and seem interested.   I wonder if my problem is because I don't tell stories, I don't have too many, and I can't tell a story and be brief & funny or interesting.

It is something I know is a problem area for me, and I am working on it.  I don't think it will hold me back professionally since I've pulled it off this far, but I want to be better and that will allow me to grow professionally and do better in the long run.

Anyway, after the first class, we had homework - to talk to strangers every day, start a conversation   UGH, that is like the worst ever homework assignment...but what did I expect?  I carried a small notebook to record my at least once a day encounter.  But I really didn't start a conversation until one night I went on a 'date' and after dinner we sat at the bar and had a few drinks.  The guy's friend ended up coming in with his female friend and I struggled chatting with them, but I was fine with the 'date'.  I was watching a March Madness game and was all of a sudden distracted by this smell of food.  I told the 'date' that it smelled delicious and continued to watch the game and try to talk to my group.  But that smell just lingered in the air.  I turned to the the person to my left and said, "Your dinner smells so delicious".  He told me what he was eating and said he got it every time he went there....then he offered me to eat off his plate to try it!  How nice, but hmm, he is a complete stranger.  Is this what it is like to talk to strangers?  I am not sure I am comfortable with that.

A few points of clarification

I have been getting some interesting feedback lately on my posts.  (I wish I could email you all back, but blogger blocks your email address so I can't).

1.  I am not suicidal.  When I wrote about death and suicide in December it was because I lost a friend.  I spent time thinking about our friendship, about life and about how I can help other people so they don't feel so lost or confused or sad.  If I was going to kill myself, I would have done it 4-5 years ago when my life was torn apart...but it wasn't worth it then - to give SI the gratification of my death - and it certainly isn't going to happen now when I am better.  I know I will never feel that horrible ever again, I won't let myself.  My point in that post was that I am not going to judge a person should they take their own life - but do it without causing mass murder.  Yes, suicide hurts those that are still here on Earth, I am certainly not discounting that at all.

2.  The Man Friend issue.  Sure, it isn't the best relationship and I know it isn't a forever thing...but until then what can I say, I think he is attractive, I miss him when I don't spend time with him. I like him...sometimes a lot.  I use the blog sometimes to vent, so many of you are only reading the negatives about him....but considering we started our 'relationship' last November...when did you read the first post about him?  Not till December when I hinted at it and not until February when I started to realize it was lasting longer than I thought it was going to.  Don't worry, he is not my future husband. And if you get mad reading about him and my lack of strength to end it...imagine that annoyance and anger and amplify it 95% and that is what you should have felt after the SI ordeal.  While Man Friend annoys me at times, at least I am not being emotionally abused or intentionally mislead.  I am continuing to learn about myself and about my tolerance levels of others.  He & I were meant to have this weird relationship and while I know it isn't forever I needed this. I needed to learn to trust a man again, I needed to love and not, I needed to realize what my fh is so I won't take him for granted when I met him.  This was a very important part of my life.

3.  Don't take this blog ultra seriously.  It is here mostly for me - to help me brainstorm life.  I chose topics that are somewhat relevant to what I am going through at the time - and to share it with you so you don't feel alone, no matter the circumstance someone's been in the situation before.  If something relates to you - I hope I can share my point of view....which is not the correct one...but mine.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, including me.  Maybe you'll learn from my mistakes, maybe you'll say that what you are going through isn't as bad as what I did, maybe you'll say I haven't a clue compared to what you went through. The point is, it doesn't matter...it is perspective and it can help.

4.  This is a public blog...therefore nothing on here is really a secret.  Someone posted "...nieces and nephews adore you, I hope they never find this blog" If you think my family doesn't know about my problems, you are mistaken.  Ok this blog isn't appropriate for kids that age - but not because of my sadness, it is because the topics are too mature for their age.   The rest of my family may not understand them...but they know about my problems and are mostly always supportive.  Friends and men disappear - but I am lucky enough to have an absolutely amazing family that has and will continue to stick by my side no matter what.  I am not embarrassed about any of this.  A niece looks at me and wants to be like me - smart, attractive and independent.  Through my own pain, I have inadvertently taught them about this other lifestyle - about not being married but still considered a grownup.

5.  My lack of variety in posts lately.  What can I say, I get writer's block.  There are many times I sit at the computer and have blogger open and think what am I going to write tonight?  Then 30 minutes goes by, nothing.  This continues.  I think, my readers don't want to hear about this or that again.  But sometimes that is the only thing on my mind.  I too am very disappointed in my variety these last few months.  Why don't you email me some topic ideas?

6.  I am not funny anymore.  This is true. Again, it depends on where I am emotionally.  I am more funny when I am happy without a care in the world.  When I am depressed I tend to vent and share things that piss me off.  Unfortunately I have been less than happy lately so this shouldn't be a surprise.  I also have a 'different' sense of humor than you - it is more dry and witty, and it definitely does not come across well on a blog.  Sometimes you think I am serious but I am being sarcastic.  Maybe I just need some motivation and experiences so I can have something funny to share with you.  I'll try to work on that.

7.  Instead of complaining about life, do something about it.  This IS my journey. It takes a while and I am allowed to complain a little bit here and there.  I know my life is going to be amazing...and you will read some of that eventually, but I am not going to change it overnight. I equate that to a fad diet, too much change too soon will not give you long lasting results. I am not looking for a band-aid/quick fix, I am working on a life change.  It is not an easy process, and I've had a lot of help along with the way with my life coach and from family and friends.  I give myself credit, I've come a long way in the last 3-4 years.

8.  One of the most read posts is about laser hair removal with over 12,000 hits - yet only 8 comments.  I hope that on topics that I share an experience to make you more informed actually helps.  I am guessing it does because I get such few comments and the most popular posts which means people don't disagree with me.

9.  Why do I struggle being single?  The grass is always greener on the other side.  All these married people don't seem to understand my struggles.  You think being single would be amazing, I don't have to worry about making a man happy or chasing after kids...but what you don't understand is I don't have that even if I wanted it.  Give single people more credit - it is very difficult thing to do unless you want to be a bachelor/ette.    Being single means being alone a lot, not having someone to check in on you, not having someone to help you, not having someone to travel with or have a date to a wedding.  It means doing things ALONE.  When is the last time you ate in a restaurant alone? Took a trip alone?  Spent a whole weekend day not speaking since there was no one there to listen.  These are regular occurrences for me.  Even without a man to share that with - my female friends are mostly married and why would they want to take a trip with me when they have that special person?  Being single can be lonely at times.  Sure, I have moments I am thrilled I don't have to worry about that marriage/kid stuff - but in the end, my life isn't complete without it.  Please try not to judge too much if you can't relate.

10.  I have issues.  Sure, don't we all?

ISTJ

I took the Myers-Briggs test.  I think I know myself well enough where I didn't actually have to take the test...but I thought it would be fun, so I took it anyway.

The test lasted about 20 minutes and my results were ISTJ.

• ISTJs are quiet and reserved individuals who are interested in security and peaceful living. They have a strongly-felt internal sense of duty, which lends them a serious air and the motivation to follow through on tasks. Organized and methodical in their approach, they can generally succeed at any task which they undertake.
• ISTJs are very loyal, faithful, and dependable. They place great importance on honesty and integrity. They are "good citizens" who can be depended on to do the right thing for their families and communities. While they generally take things very seriously, they also usually have an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun - especially at family or work-related gatherings.
• ISTJs tend to believe in laws and traditions, and expect the same from others. They're not comfortable with breaking laws or going against the rules. If they are able to see a good reason for stepping outside of the established mode of doing things, the ISTJ will support that effort.
• The ISTJ is extremely dependable on following through with things which he or she has promised. For this reason, they sometimes get more and more work piled on them. Because the ISTJ has such a strong sense of duty, they may have a difficult time saying "no" when they are given more work than they can reasonably handle. For this reason, the ISTJ often works long hours, and may be unwittingly taken advantage of.
• The ISTJ will work for long periods of time and put tremendous amounts of energy into doing any task which they see as important to fulfilling a goal. However, they will resist putting energy into things which don't make sense to them, or for which they can't see a practical application. They prefer to work alone, but work well in teams when the situation demands it. They like to be accountable for their actions, and enjoy being in positions of authority. The ISTJ has little use for theory or abstract thinking, unless the practical application is clear.
• ISTJs have tremendous respect for facts. They hold a tremendous store of facts within themselves, which they have gathered through their Sensing preference. They may have difficulty understanding a theory or idea which is different from their own perspective. However, if they are shown the importance or relevance of the idea to someone who they respect or care about, the idea becomes a fact, which the ISTJ will internalize and support. Once the ISTJ supports a cause or idea, he or she will stop at no lengths to ensure that they are doing their duty of giving support where support is needed.
• The ISTJ is not naturally in tune with their own feelings and the feelings of others. They may have difficulty picking up on emotional needs immediately, as they are presented. Being perfectionists themselves, they have a tendency to take other people's efforts for granted, like they take their own efforts for granted.
• ISTJs are likely to be uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion to others. However, their strong sense of duty and the ability to see what needs to be done in any situation usually allows them to overcome their natural reservations, and they are usually quite supporting and caring individuals with the people that they love. Once the ISTJ realizes the emotional needs of those who are close to them, they put forth effort to meet those needs.
• The ISTJ is extremely faithful and loyal. Traditional and family-minded, they will put forth great amounts of effort at making their homes and families running smoothly. They are responsible parents, taking their parenting roles seriously. They are usually good and generous providers to their families. They care deeply about those close to them, although they usually are not comfortable with expressing their love. The ISTJ is likely to express their affection through actions, rather than through words.
• ISTJs have an excellent ability to take any task and define it, organize it, plan it, and implement it through to completion. They are very hard workers, who do not allow obstacles to get in the way of performing their duties. They do not usually give themselves enough credit for their achievements, seeing their accomplishments simply as the natural fulfillment of their obligations.
• ISTJs usually have a great sense of space and function, and artistic appreciation. Their homes are likely to be tastefully furnished and immaculately maintained. They are acutely aware of their senses, and want to be in surroundings which fit their need for structure, order, and beauty.
• Under stress, ISTJs may fall into "catastrophe mode", where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong. They will berate themselves for things which they should have done differently, or duties which they failed to perform. They will lose their ability to see things calmly and reasonably, and will depress themselves with their visions of doom.
• In general, the ISTJ has a tremendous amount of potential. Capable, logical, reasonable, and effective individuals with a deeply driven desire to promote security and peaceful living, the ISTJ has what it takes to be highly effective at achieving their chosen goals - whatever they may be.
• Family is of the utmost importance to the ISTJ. The order and schedule of a home life is very important. Any family member who rebels against order is likely to anger the ISTJ who revolves their life around a sense of conformity. The ISTJ is likely to want breakfast at 8, lunch at 12 and dinner at 6 no matter what, holidays with the family are of paramount importance and no sacrifice is too great to keep the unit intact.
• The ISTJ likes to also have order in their friends and in their appearance. Hanging out with the wild and crazy isn't likely to happen. ISTJ's tend to develop strong, loyal, consistent friendships that stand the test of time. ISTJ’s may have trouble showing emotion but within the strength of a time-tested friendship they often find comfort.
• In love relationships the ISTJ is a strong believer in taking responsibility. They also say the things they mean. Often they are accused of being uncaring but they view the benchmark of commitment by actions and not words. The ISTJ is more interested in being the Rock of Gibralter and day to day success than words that are not backed up with actions.
•  ISTJ’s wants for schedules and results oriented satisfaction are general surgery, law and accounting. The ISTJ can be a success at any career but tend to shy away from careers that require abstract thinking and interpersonal spontaneity. Other popular ISTJ career directions include: Management, Accounting, Auditing, Engineer, Dentists, Stock Brokers and Law.
• The ISTJ is often a good student. In classes such as science and math they tend to excel due to their factual nature. More abstract classes tend to frustrate the ISTJ but they try to do what "should" be done. In summation the ISTJ student will usually try to do what the instructor asks because that is what should be done.
 

For people that know me...the above summary statements are 98% correct about me.  What is your Myer-Briggs portrait? Sources of statements:  http://www.personalitypage.com , http://www.knowyourtype.com/istj.html ,

Through the years

Sometimes I glance at myself in the mirror and think...I barely recognize myself.  For the most part, I haven't changed too much - usually just long/short and curly/straight hair.  But there is always something more that you see that others really don't.  The shape of my eyebrows, the new wrinkle, the evenness of the skin tone, the smile, etc. I sometimes think I am starting to get all whethered looking.  Other times I think I look old/ugly but then look back at pictures and think, if only I looked like that now!

I love my sisters, but sometimes I feel bad for their husbands...the sisters don't put much effort into what they wear or look like.  If SI did anything for me - it was to tell me that it is important to want to look good for your significant other. I hope to go into any future relationships remembering how important it is...not just so I feel better about myself - but that my other stays somewhat attracted to me.

With my birthday passing, I thought it might be fun to show little snapshots of me over the last few years.  Maybe you can see how much/little I've changed.  I think I am getting better with age - but I always thought there was something fantastic about the 30s, so I shouldn't be too surprised.  The real test will be what happens after 39.

July 2012

November 2011

 



 

October 2010

March 2009

 

    

June 2008

March 2007

February 2006

        



 

September 2005

October 2004

December 2003

Whose that lady?

This is what I look like these days.



Lifestyle Board

Back in October my book club decided we were going to make lifestyle boards.  The first quadrant (top right) is career and ambition, the second is family and entertainment, the third is travel & leisure and the fourth quadrant is nostalgia.

Essentially you are selecting pictures that represent items in the categories (example: I might have a skyline of NYC but it might represent a large city or certain games - but it represents any board games, not necessarily one or two of them).

When we started out I thought the hardest quadrant would have been nostalgia, but I was wrong, the hardest part for me was my career & ambition.  I really don't know what I want to do, sure I want to volunteer more, but what else? I struggled with this for months.  The easiest quadrant for me was travel & leisure, and I still didn't have enough room.

This exercise was fun and really made me think.  I recommend that you make one too.

Quirky

While at an work related exhibit where I interact with potential clients and other exhibitors - I have realized once again that I have trouble initiating useless conversation.  In the past, when I attended the shows alone, I rarely met/talked to anyone, except my first time when I met a doctor and we spent the next 3 days hanging out. But the other times were boring. 

The past year I had my coworker come with me, and perhaps it is because she is short & pretty & nice but now our booth is constantly filled with other vendors trying to win their time talking to her/us.  In June we met an exhibitor; we hung out with them and then they came to NYC for something and one night we went out and now most recently for the third time last week in Arizona.  It has truly made the events a lot more fun when you know people...and usually the same people go to most of the shows -so it is something to look forward to. 

This past week our vendor neighbors were nice and chatty...but right away they pinned me as the bossy "HR" type person.  Why didn't I smile? Why do I look serious?  etc.  Do I really need to explain to people that when they smile all the time it is fake?  Can people really walk around with a smile all the time?  And why assume because I don't have a smile at one particular moment...that I am not happy.  I am very content.  And I DO smile...when I am speaking with people, I even laugh.  But because I don't have that fakeness...when I do it, it is genuine.  Boys must learn this at some point.

So these guys think they figured me all out; in the few hours we were there.  But the one guy- that we've known since June...at dinner one night he said that Quirky was the perfect adjective to describe me.  I am fun& nice & laid back, but yet I am serious & bossy & unusual.

I liked that after I thought about it.  I have been told many times that I really am unique...(I know everyone is..but apparently I am more so).  Saying I am quirky is way better than saying I have issues/am strange/or other things that people think at first, but are surprised when they actually TALK to me they find out I am not necessarily what they thought I was. 

Can't judge this book by my cover.

My theme song: unwritten

Do you remember Ally McBeal?  It was a TV show that ran from 1997 - 2002 where Calista Flockhart played Ally who works at law firm with her ex and his new wife.  Anyway, she'd have these songs in her head that would change depending on what was going on...kind of like her own personal theme song to help her get through something.  I remember hearing "Hooked on a Feeling" a lot.

Then the other day I was talking to a friend who told me she had a theme song too.  I felt like I really needed one...you know, when you are in a bad mood, before you do something important or even just to re-energize you and help you get through the day.  That one song that sums up how you want to feel that makes you happy...could do wonders to our mental health.

So how do I pick a theme song?   I wanted it to reflect part of me and what I am going through.  The hard part is that I know some songs, but not necessarily enough to come up with a song that fits me perfectly.  I started to ask a few people to help find songs for me, but that is hard because as well as they know me it is supposed to be my song.
One night I was in the car and Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten came on...I was about to change the channel because that song can get annoying...but then I decided to listen to the words again and thought it could be fitting for me at where I am in my life right now.  I am so undecided about so many things...I am looking forward to my future and what it holds even though I don't know what is in store for me.  It also reminds me that I need to live now...to put my past behind me and start over and that it is OK to make mistakes. Most importantly it tells me that I am the one that needs to do the work for my life.

It won't be my theme song forever...maybe just for the next six months or so. I am hoping that things will start unfolding and I will be able to see a little further into where my life is going. 

Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

lyrics taken from AZ Lyrics

Time for the dreaded DMV

A trip to the DMV is always an interesting adventure.  Although I switched my license over three years ago, I was up for renewal.  This time around an eye test was needed (you can submit results from eye doctor, but it must be with in 6 months), so I headed over to one of the NYC express locations.  There were a lot of people waiting, but I was able to go in and get my ticket number with out waiting; ticket B358 I look at the board they were on B317 - I had a lot of time to wait.  I head over to the next counter for a picture and eye exam, no line here either.  I was surprised they asked if I wanted my picture taken.  It was a heat have and my hair was a bit 'big' but I decided I should have a new picture anyway - as I am aging, I think it would be a better representative of who I currently am, big hair or not.  I think that should be mandatory.  I've been lucky, I've only had three pictures on my licenses and I've looked great in all of them...so if this is my first bad picture, so be it (and since I plan on moving in the next 8 years...I'll have a new picture taken at that time).  My current picture is from when I was around 28 and if my new license is valid for eight years...I'll resemble my 28 year old youth at 40...but no doubt I'll look a bit different.  So far this process has taken me all of 8 minutes. 

2008-2011

 

2011 - 2019

 I move over to the vestibule area (where there is probably only seating for about 15 people) and stand reading my book for 55 more minutes.  Or I try to read...there is so much noise.  The interesting people coming in, the screaming baby, the toddlers running around in circles around me, the people who keep getting told to not sit on the counters, etc.  Finally my number is called and I go to the counter.  I hand the man my paperwork, he tells me I owe $80.40 and then prints out a temporary license.  That part took about 2 minutes.  Total was 10 minutes of 65.  55 minutes to wait just to pay and have something printed?  That seems so inefficient.  Why can't more people take picture and administer eye exams and just take the money?

I am OK with my new picture...sure it isn't the best, but compared to so many other people's? It does look like me, just with big uneven hair.

I Never...

You know the game I Never?  It goes something like this.  One person starts and makes a comment that starts with "I never" - let's say 'I never kissed a girl' then anyone who did kiss a girl, would take a sip of a drink.  As the night goes on, you find out some pretty shocking stuff about your friends.  Anyway, this post is not about that game, per sae. 

Last Thursday my co-worker and I met up with these two guys we met when we were in Anaheim at the beginning of June (They were here for a work meeting).  We started off at a rooftop bar, I'VE NEVER been to a rooftop bar in Manhattan, and had a drink there where we started catching up on the last three weeks. 

From there we went to uptown to their hotel and had a drink at their hotel bar.  Our new friends ordered 4 Jägermeister shots for us, but once I saw the color I told the bartender to not fill my glass up.  New friends wanted me to at least try it since I'VE NEVER tasted Jägermeister.  It was gross. That one little drop that landed on my tongue was ugh & I kept making this really funny faces.  The bartender then suggested that I have a raspberry vodka...I figured I liked raspberry so why not?  I've only done 3 shots of vodka straight in my life...and they were all at a vodka distillery on Long Island on the same day.  This raspberry vodka was disgusting too - I had about 2/3 of the shot and gave the rest to one of the guys.  The brand was Stoli and my friends thought it was funny that I NEVER heard of that brand before.

We were hungry so we headed over to 2nd Ave and found a place to eat, essentially the first Italian place we walked past.  At dinner it was brought to my attention all the other things I'VE NEVER done:

• I never smoked (anything) or did any drugs
• I never saw or had an anchovy
• I never sang karaoke or been to a karaoke bar
• I didn't know what Patron is (actually I don't even remember what they said)
• Until I hung out with them in Anaheim, I never shotgunned a beer
• I never tried a regular martini
• I never heard of this musician they were talking about that is well known...and I still don't remember who it was
• I never put a condom on a guy
• I haven't been to Europe yet (they all have been)
• I never went on 'spring break'
• not quite an I never...but I don't know a lot about liquor or mixed drinks
• I never had a true one night stand

I don't remember the rest of the stuff, but the night was filled with it.  At some point one of the guys asked me if I was Mormon because he never met anyone so naive and sheltered before.  I mean, I think as an adult I turned out OK.  I was a happy child and adolescent, half of my 20s were decent...sure I haven't had a lot of experiences but I think that is OK.  I have more memories to make with someone new.  I get to enjoy my life more spread out.

I stayed at my co-worker's apartment and I did a walk, similar to the walk of shame, back into work wearing the same clothes as I had on the day before.

The fall of the Denise wall

I've talked a lot about my insecurities and wanting to be more comfortable with myself.  In the last few years I have confused myself about who I am, I made things up based on assumptions that made me scared to want to try certain things - which of course leads to becoming MORE insecure since you avoid doing those things. 

I feel like I've had a wall up for a long time and that wall just kept getting taller and taller until you couldn't see me.  But like the Berlin Wall once it comes down, it is liberating.  I can't even describe my overall mood lately other than I feel more carefree, lighter somehow, do I dare say a little happy?  Building me back up is like a snowball, it gets easier since I am on that high. 

This past month or two has been a great learning experience for me - about me. It started with the beer pong party and remembering what it was like to just have fun, live in the moment and doing things out of my comfort zone. And has continued and intensified in the last 11 days I was away. Among one of the things I had to do out of my comfort zone for two days was to make a plate of food and choose a table full of people to eat with and then talk to them - no big deal, but I didn't know anyone and they were potential candidates for my client...so I had to talk to them both casually and then about what I had to offer. Breakfast, lunch and a two hour reception. Intense.  Add that to attending a party solo, catching up with 'old' friends, talking with vendors, accepting a date from someone new, asking the airline to change my seat, wearing a bikini and trying to convince people to become certified. 

The people I met this past month have flattered me so much.  I was told that I am not shy, I am pretty, I have a contagious smile, I am upbeat, I am nice, they didn't see me as standoffish or that I have a hard time talking with strangers.  I used to enjoy hanging out with friends that were slightly less attractive than me, but lately I have felt that I was the less attractive friend.  I was told so many times by people that didn't gain anything from telling me that I was attractive and fun.  Hearing that so much this past month, or all the attention I have gotten from men, has really boosted my self esteem. I can only hope it stays with me and doesn't fade now that I am back home...where I never seem to get attention (not that I crave to be in the limelight...but you know, just that people may notice me or talk to me). 

I am happy with the way things seem to be falling in place.  It is like my persona is redeveloping to prepare me for meeting my future husband...and I can't wait for that to happen.

Say 'Cheese'

My old-school phone only holds fifty pictures.  There are so many times, that I need to take a picture, but run out of room.  I take a few moments and try to figure out what picture I can delete to make room...but most of the time, I struggle with this decision. 

Most of my pictures on my phone are of ME.  And well, you know how it goes, I just look way to good in the picture to delete it.  The other pictures are either ones that I may use for my blog or ones of something I need from the store (ie-replacement light bulbs from my fan because I am constantly buying the wrong ones).

The funny part is- I do email most of the pictures to myself so I can save them...but you know...sometimes you want to send the same picture over and over again and it is just easier to send something you have then to re-take another picture.

There have been a few times I tried to upload the pictures to snapfish and then have them printed, but the resolution is so poor that they come out blurry.  It isn't really an option to use cell phone camera as a real camera, but sometimes it is just handy and sometimes you are just emailing pictures to other people or using the electronic version for blogs/facebook/emails. 

Maybe it is time to upgrade my phone. But I won't until this one dies.

Vanity

I am not conceited and I don't think the world revolves around me. Additionally I don't really consider myself a vain person - I don't think I am 'hot' or 'amazing' or that people should be 'lucky' just to know me.

Years ago, I was very plain and I didn't believe in spending a lot of money on my look. It could be that I didn't have a lot of money to spend...if there was excess money, I probably would have dressed nicer or put more effort into what I looked like. I don't think I was ugly, just a bit more everyday plain. The only thing I did spend some money on was hair removal both electrolysis on my lip when I was 16-18 and laser hair removal on my face when I was about 20.

Somewhere along the line my everyday plain look became a big problem for me. See, the man I loved told me that I didn't put effort into what I looked like and that he was no longer attracted to me. Of course, this is for good reason, he'd have to look at me. But he was initially attracted to the plain everyday me so all of a sudden I was caught off guard. I tried a few things like a high maintenance hair cut and started waxing my eyebrows and occasionally a bikini wax in the summer - or was that after him?  I walked on a treadmill for an hour everyday, and even though I did gain weight from all our eating out...he forgot he did too.  I finally got a 'grown up' job and bought some nice work clothes including skirts. But it was all too late so this vanity issue has been an issue for me because I want to make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't want to loose someone [again] over my bitten nails, because I like flat shoes or because I gained a few pounds.  If I slip, I want correct it together with the help/support of my beau.

When I was down in the dumps for the last few years, people kept telling me if I put more of an effort into how I looked, then I would meet someone new and more people would talk to me. They also told me if I stopped trying to met someone - I would. Well let me tell all you people that didn't happen. I was heartbroken and I let myself go - I stopped wearing contacts because my eyes were always too puffy to wear them, which also meant that eye make up was too hard to wear. I wasn't looking to meet anyone - and I didn't.  Eventually I did start wearing contacts again and wearing makeup. I still get my eyebrows waxed every three weeks, I recently cut off a ton of hair and have to blow it dry/straighten it every day. I bought some new clothes like bikinis, dresses, skirts, exercise tops (I don't exercise), non-flat shoes (I'd love to buy new coats, boots, shoes, pants, bras, jewelry, nicer work clothes including suits and bags...but I don't have the money for that) and recently I started getting electrolysis done again on my face and started laser hair removal first on my underarms and eventually I'll do my bikini line. I even started smiling more and laughing...and still...no one talks to me.

A cat-caller this week told me "Damn Girl, you are so fiiiine." Why is it that only people that are courageous enough to talk to me and think I am good looking aren't quite what I am looking for? When [do I daresay 'normal'] people do eventually talk to me (like the blind dates) we get along fine. I charm them. They usually like my first impression more than I like theirs.

I am putting effort into how I look, maybe not enough still, but really I am doing what I can with the little money I have. Sometimes I look in the mirror and forget I look like this - with the hair...and wonder if I look more snooty than I really am and maybe that is my problem - men might think I am a bitch. I have curves that men claim to LOVE but yet...not the right body type for a serious relationship.  I think I am attractive enough that finding a decent looking nice man shouldn't be this difficult!

Anyway, one of these days, I'll have to be sure to thank SI for informing me that looks do matter and I should want to look better not necessarily for someone else, but for myself too.  Little by little some of those small changes add up and I feel better about myself.  Sometimes you just need a little support and a whole lot of money.  Would SI notice a change in me?  Maybe, I don't know.  Sometimes too much change isn't good either, for me to preserve  who I am...I still need some of the older me mixed in.  

Goodness, sometimes I miss him.

Thou shall not covet

Can you recite all ten commandments?  I forgot a few when I tried to think about them.

1. 'You shall have no other gods before Me.'
2. 'You shall not make for yourself a carved image--any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.'
3. 'You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.'
4. 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.'
5. 'Honor your father and your mother.'
6. 'You shall not murder.'
7. 'You shall not commit adultery.'
8. 'You shall not steal.'
9. 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.'
10. 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'

#1 simple enough.

I have no idea what #2 means.

Saying the Lord's name in vein - does that include when you mutter or call it out during sex?

Working on the 7th day - I am not sure how far that goes. Is it work for a pay check? Is it any manual labor? Is it running errands for our home?  We all do something on Sunday's.

Honor your father & mother - that is easy for me...but I understand that a lot of people hate or resent their parents. We should add honor your siblings too.

Committing murder and stealing - now those are upheld by the law. They must be the worst ones if you can go to jail for it.

Adultery - that is just when the married person cheats right?  That does not apply to the person without a commitment that engages in sexual activity with a married person? 

Covet - verb: 1) to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others: to covet another's property.   2)  to wish for, especially eagerly: He won the prize they all coveted.  3) to have an inordinate or wrongful desire.  To wish and desire, provided you don't act upon anything  - is that really wrong? Why is that forbidden by God?   Sometimes when we see what other people have, we try harder to get there ourselves.  Perhaps it is motivation.  Perhaps it is jealously. Maybe it makes us immature comparing ourselves to others and maybe in the long run all that competition isn't good for society - but maybe it is good because it gives society options and the ability to think for themselves (to a point).  So we aren't supposed to covet something that is our neighbors/friend.  But what about our enemy or people we don't really know - is it OK then?

Either way, I broke one or two or three of these commandments yesterday.  And honestly, it didn't bother me one bit.