Friday, August 9, 2013

how blogging has changed me

I started blogging after a breakup.  I had a lot of free time on my hands and I had a hard time concentrating on anything.  I felt like I had a lot of things to say and I wanted to share my thoughts and ideas with other people who might have been in a similar situation.  I wanted to write a self help book...but how could I when I couldn't help myself?  I had to figure out who I was and how to get better and heal myself.

Unfortunately, at the beginning I didn't want to share too much, and I wasn't certain if what I wanted to write about was really how I felt.  During that transition time, my head and my heart were playing tug of war.  I could say one thing about never getting back together with SI, but the truth was if he asked I would have went back.  So who was I go give advice and say one thing but do another...I hate that, so I didn't.  Most of my early blog posts were rubbish.  But it got me into trying to do something every day.  I needed new routine, it slowly replaced all the texts/IMs that I used to exchange with SI.

Little by little as my self esteem started to go up a little and I was becoming frustrated with these new experiences I was trying to have to fit in and move on, I started expressing my thoughts and feelings.  Sitting down a few times a week staring at the computer thinking about what to think about or carrying on with life and something affected me, I started to think not only about that item, but also about me.  Why did those things bother me so much? Why can't I let something go? Am I the only one that thinks this way?  Am I the only person this happens to?  I don't want other people to have to go through what I went through.

I started learning more about myself.  Not only by writing a post, but by going back and reading things from months or years earlier.  The blog has become my diary; but it isn't like the diary I kept as a kid which was all gossip about my so called 'friends' at school or my daily life.  Sure, I have some of those things in here too, but more so I am figuring things out.  I am using it as a tool and there have been times where my posts have even helped me during my life coach sessions.

Blogging has helped me get through a really difficult few years.  It was my version of therapy - I went to one therapy session and hated it.  But blogging, such few people were reading about me, I was anonymous, people could judge me but rarely have they voiced their opinions.  My readership has slowly increased and they seem to read my 'fluff' posts more than the ones that to me were deeper, but that is OK because this blog is more for me than anyone else.  Maybe I shouldn't have it public since it is more for myself, but then I don't feel accountable, and I need some sort of accountability - I can't go back and say 'I never said that' or reread my posts and realize I should have done something sooner, enough procrastinating.

After 3 1/2 years of blogging, I can honestly say I am doing better.  I am more comfortable with myself and I am more confident.   I think I know myself pretty well and I've discovered things I know I can't deal with when it comes to other people, and I've discovered things I can't live without.  There isn't one post for each of those things, but rather it is from cumulative things that have happened and multiple posts or stories that built up to those revelations.

I can only hope to continue to discover more about myself and at the same time be able to share with you better quality information.  For a while I was so frustrated and that showed in my posts, which I know sucked but yet, they were real...these are things single people go through.  And if anything, the last three years might have opened some people's eyes.  Not all lives are fantastic or fairy tales...there are struggles, confusion, lust, love and heartache.  You aren't alone, but we'll figure it out eventually, maybe even together.  And until then, I will continue to share my life experience and I hope I help in whatever way you need.

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