Monday, August 26, 2013

the need to refocus

I need to refocus.  Since I returned from my vacation thoughts of a happy life with a westerner has invaded my thoughts.  OK, so it doesn't need to be HIM but, just the idea of a guy like that from a place far far away from New York City intrigues me.  For many years now I wondered if I would end up with a Mid-Western man...but unless they are visiting NYC or I happen to go out on a business trip, the odds of that happening are slim.

But I suppose it is no more a slim option than me finding someone here...I barely date, I rarely meet a new man.  Either way I am screwed.

And in the instance with that man....well, I have to deal with knowing he is dating someone at the new part of a relationship...the most exciting part for a while.  And then I remember that I don't have many dating options.  I can't keep thinking about this wonderful life I want when the reality is slim I will obtain it anytime soon.

I hate to wish time away since the years are flying by, but I really want to be in the better part of my life, the one I share with a man.  The one where I am not lonely and alone.

I can just do it...move somewhere new. Not know a soul.  Be depressed for a while when trying to make a friend, find a job and a place to live in a town I know nothing about.  I'd have to give up a good job.  Move away from the few great friends I have.  Move away from my extremely supportive family.  Understandable why I haven't acted yet.

I need to stop fantasying.  I need to live in the now and enjoy it even though it isn't what I want.

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