passion

My recent conversation with the guy about passion made me start to think.  Will I find passion again?I don't have a lot of relationship experience, 3 guys, sort of. And how long do you give it before you give up? With Cop#1, I had it from the beginning, with SI, it grew on me and with ManFriend it was instantaneous.  But both Cop#1 and ManFriend were really just physical, it never would have worked long term but it was hard to stop and lasted longer than it should have.  On the other hand SI, was more, I think.  There was the potential for long term, but maybe not enough passion on his end to make it last.  Where is that balance?  I've been willing to compromise on passion...and the last few people I attempted to date all lacked it but they all had other qualities I hoped would compensate for that area.  And while I've been willing to accept that, they are the ones that end it for whatever reason.  Even Mountain Man - we had this crazy traveling romance, but nothing more...but yet, I consider him my best friend and he is always there for me if I need someone.  And still that doesn't translate into passion.

I yearn for being desired and loved.

county health service - STI testing

Before the booty text, I made an appointment for a STI screening with the local health services department, thinking that since the guy took off his condom the first time...I needed to be sure I was ok.  They were able to get me in the following morning.  Hours later I go and have sex again with the guy, figuring if I contracted anything, it probably would have been from the first time, well, provided he didn't sleep with other people since then.  Don't lecture me.

Point is it is smart to get tested, and frequently.

My appointment was for 9am but they asked me to get there at 8:15 to fill out paperwork.  I arrived, filled out an orange check in card and had a seat until I was called.  I went to a check in desk and verbally provided information, supplied my photo id and then signed and filled out about 10 sheets of paper.  Consent forms, disclosure forms, financial information, medical history forms, emergency contact form, etc.  When I was done, I was brought into an exam room for height, weight, blood pressure and then escorted to the bathroom to pee in a cup and then told to wait until I was called.  I waited about 15-20 minutes and met with the midwife.  She reviewed my paperwork, asked questions and I confirmed why I was there.  We went over possible tests and I asked about incubation times for the infections.  She explained that they use a sliding scale for testing and services.  I started to wonder...oh, how much will I have to pay for this? Yikes.  In NY this was a free service.  The midwife then supplied me with a vaginal swab and a breast gown.  She left the room and I was to collect my own vaginal sample with the supplied equipment.  I read the instructions twice.  I pulled down my pants, unwrapped the swab, stuck the swab in and moved it all around for 30ish seconds.  Removed, opened the tube with liquid, inserted stick breaking off the top and closed the lid.  Pulled up my pants and then took off my top and bra so she can give me a breast exam.  When that was all done they collected a little blood for the syphilis test.  I was brought to the checkout/financial area.  They gal provided an invoice based on the sliding scale.  My jaw dropped, $274.  Yikes.  Was it worth it?  But then I realized, I owned nothing...because I make nothing.  It was free for me.  8:15 am - 9:40 am.  Not bad.

Compared to the NY site, this site was more efficient, friendly, they didn't belittle me with my sexual past, was not as confidential, and is more of a doctor's office than just a walk-in clinic. I did not get a bag full of free condoms, although I think there were some on the wall.

When I get health insurance...I probably won't go back to the county department since I'll have found doctors and have some of these services covered.

the booty text

The guy texted me asking me to come over so I can take advantage of him.  A clear booty call.  Question is...do I do it or not?  In the 'for' column I have...well, at least it wouldn't be a one night stand and maybe I'll get a better read on him.  In the 'bad idea' column is that it is clearly a booty call.
I went for it.  I know, shame on me.  But I really hate the idea of 'wasting' a number on a guy for sex just once.  And I have a few guys back home that I'd sleep with on occasion/when the need arose, so it might not be a bad thing to have a guy out here for that purpose.

The decorative bed pillows were prepped (off the bed), the three candles lit, and the ceiling fan on.  I commented on the fan being on and he said it was because I was so hot the last time.  If nothing else, he remembered that and was fairly considerate when it came to my comfort.

The sex was fast.  I didn't realize he came though; I have such a hard time with that sometimes.  Why are guys so quiet?  I certainly don't feel anything; am I supposed to?  He took out his little toy and attempted to please me.

I hung around and we chatted about nothing interesting. Got dressed, he put on a movie and then half way through kicked me out because he was tired.  At the door he asked me to follow up with him about the job, and I was surprised and asked if he really wanted to know or was just being polite.  He claimed to want to know.  I made a snide remark about not seeing each other for another 2-3 weeks and he seemed surprised that is how long it was since the last time.  Maybe he is just genuinely clueless.

I left not feeling used or dirty or gross, I knew what I was getting when I accepted the invitation, but rather I felt disconnected and I don't care.  Sure, I want a relationship...but this is not it. Maybe there will be more casual sex or maybe it will evolve.  Maybe he'll go out with other people and realize I am the lesser evil and want to date - but by then it will be too late because I won't be second pick yet again.

going all the way

I was feeling a little weepy.  Now that I am a Colorado resident, I have to make "this" work.  I invested a lot of money to be out here...and it just seemed a little scary/official.  So I felt like I needed a happy movie to watch, and I was being very indecisive and couldn't find something new that looked good.  So I messaged ___for a happy movie suggestion (we had talked a little bit during the day).  He invited me over.  I was like 'another fake invitation?' But whatever, I was like 'what the hell' and agreed to go over.  I super quickly freshened up and was at his place 33 minutes later.

My jaw dropped when I walked in.  BEAUTIFULLY decorated.  I started to wonder if he was gay.  Everything I hoped a future house would be...the interior of his had it.  Like a model house.  You'd never tell from the outside.  So he gave me a tour and still....every room was done to the T.   And he is the one that did all the work...so he is not only handy but has an eye for decorating.  I would totally hire him to decorate and furnish my future house. His words from date 1 or 2 about keeping an immaculate house...I understood...it is because it is like a model house, not because he is a germaphobe.  He has 7 TVs which I think is a little extreme...but he is a guy, guys like toys.  And his dog isn't allowed on furniture, which is awesome.

We settle on the couch and talk a little bit about his family, me being hard to read, his house, my temporary accommodations, our day, etc.  In 30 minutes we were kissing.  After 10 we went into the bedroom.  He dimmed the lights and had candles burning before I even got there.  I don't think i need to go into more details?  But of course you want them.  We slowly undress.  He tells me I am beautiful - but I think can he see anything in the dark? I caress his hairless chest. We get on the bed.  I never know what to say, so I am blunt "so....you have any diseases I need to know about?" he reaches for a condom, which is extremely handy in his nightstand and puts it on.  We begin.  5-10 minutes later he stops and was like, you mind if we use a toy?  I think my color drained...oh, that is what is wrong with him....kinky?  I was like "is it clean?" and why is this so handy in his nightstand too?  It distracted me because all I kept thinking about is how much sex he might be having and who and I kinda lost it. I don't even own a toy.  Eventually he gave up on that and asked if I was on anything - so he removed his condom and then it went much better; enjoyable.  We laid in bed for a while talking about nothing.  

Now its almost 10 or so?  So I get dressed and we go back to the living room and watch a love it or list it he had recorded and then I left.  We kissed at the door but didn't make any plans for another get together.  I hope it wasn't a one night stand.  

one night stand

On Tuesday I met a friend for drink before dinner.  It was a more upscale establishment and I was there for about an hour before she showed up, that is at least two glasses of wine.  The friend gets there, but I end up chatting with the bartender for a bit, it lead to an exchange of business cards and a few flirty texts during dinner.

Fast forward to Friday, I met up with two guy friends for drinks after work.  It was a late night, and I debated meeting up with the bartender afterwards, going home with one of those guys, or going home alone.  As usual, I missed my train home by seconds, leading to an hour of waiting...and texting.  Do I go home or do I meet up with a stranger? 

Having a one night stand has been on my bucket list for a while, but I've always been too nervous to do it because I didn't want to be murdered.  I am sure the odds of that are slim...but it is something I've feared.  And I am not going to lie, I asked him if he planned to kill me, yup, I am that weird girl.

So, I waste an hour texting him, fighting the desire to try something new.  I get on the train and we depart.  Then...I did something shocking, I got off at 125th street and took a cab to his apartment.  I wasn't drunk anymore.

It was about 2 am, I knew at this point that the next train home wasn't until 5:30ish AM.  So, I'd have to hang out there until I can get back home.

He was a little more 'regular' than I remember him looking; no beer goggles this time around.  We kiss, we kiss a little more, then we head into the bedroom.  He claimed not to have a condom; it was do I do it anyway or do I piss him off and end up walking around Harlem from 2 - 5 am...so I went along with it...why not?  With all the guys I've been with rarely did I use a condom.  The insecurities that I talked about the other day...I didn't have them.  This was someone that I knew I wouldn't see again...and I didn't care if it was good or bad or what he was thinking.  I have to say, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would...not because it was good, but because I didn't care.  

Then we go to sleep.  Even though I asked before I went over if he snored and said no...he did.  I barely got a wink of sleep.  I forgot how horrible it is to sleep with someone snoring.  At 4:45 I got dressed, peed and woke him up to tell him I was leaving.  I asked if he'd go outside and get a cab with me because I wasn't sure if his neighborhood was safe, but he said I'd be fine.  I spent a ton of money the night before, so I also asked for $5 since I didn't have enough for a cab ride.

And that was that.  A one night stand.  Completed. Check.

And I survived.  It was so different to not have a date first, get to know a guy, think about if I liked the guy, maintaining conversation, or think about a future...it was just sex.  It wasn't as horrible as I thought....and maybe I'll try to find another stranger but not just for one night, maybe for a few month fling. It would be nice to have sex with someone that I am not attached to from previous experiences.

uncontaminated for future husband

How often do you get STD tested? I started getting it done after I found out about SI's mistress.  I was still occasionally sleeping with SI, and I eventually started to sleep with other people...and who knows where they have been, so I started getting tested once a year, until about 2 years ago.  All results have always been negative.  While my sexual partner number is low, I am not a very good safe sex person...the only person I sort of use condoms with is Cop#1, and that is more to prevent pregnancy because he only puts it on at the end.  When ManFriend told me he gave my earrings to another woman...I got nervous.  A year and a half ago he told me the number of sexual partners he had in his 42 1/2 years was as high as 150+...(at first a shocking number for me, but since he has about 3-8 minutes of sex...I can see why women didn't last long).  Anyway, I had no idea if he was sleeping with other people or not during our year and a half 'relationship'...and clearly, once he moved, he wasted no time finding other women to have sex with him.  What did this mean for me?  I convinced myself I contracted something.  Because what kind of woman takes other's earrings...probably one that is skanky or dirty.  I thought I felt funny down there.  I had to have blood tests for my doctor, so I asked if she could tack on STD tests.

After my blood tests, I was eagerly awaiting my results.  I kept having thoughts, what if one/some of the STD results came back positive?  Would I text/call ManFriend to tell him he infected me?  Would it be curable?  I was really stressing myself out.

I log into my healthcare group and look for my lab results.  The results are listed.  I open the first one.  HIV, negative.  Phew.  Although honestly, I wasn't as worried about this one, although I probably should have been.  Next I found the results for syphilis, even though it is curable in the early stages, this one still worried me.  But, the results were negative. Phew.  Last was herpes.  I was the most worried about this because it is so common, most people don't even realize they have it and worse, there is no cure...if I had this, I'd have it forever...one thing I was so worried about and told ManFriend I didn't want him to blemish my sexual  health - and I had this conversation with him a few times early in our relationship, but yet, we didn't have protected sex at all.  Herpes 1 - positive.  Herpes 2 - negative.  I think I forgot to breathe, I was stunned.  Did I have herpes?  I was at work when I looked at my results and I didn't want to google search which 1 or 2 was.  But I couldn't wait until I got home, I ended up searching for it.  Herpes 2 was genital herpes, the worse one...thank god that was negative!  Herpes 1 is the one associated with cold sores and whatnot.  I still wasn't thrilled about this, especially because I didn't realize I had anything going on.  My doctor was on vacation so I had to keep waiting for her to call to review this. I had questions!  Finally she called.  She said that the positive herpes 1 test just meant that at some point in my life I was in contact with this virus or had a cold sore (which I did back in high school), but at this particular moment in time, there was no evidence of the virus.  unfortunately, this result will always be positive, but at least I know not to freak out again in the future.

I have a high deductive insurance plan, meaning I have to pay out of pocket all medical bills until I meet my deductible of $1,500 in network...and while these tests costs a bit of money...at least now I can sleep at night knowing that I have zero need to talk to ManFriend, but more importantly, I am healthy and uncontaminated for my future husband.  

sexually cranky

How long is it before you get sexually cranky?  It is now 4 weeks since I've gotten laid, and I am starting to get a little cranky.  I know there is an adjustment period that you go through before you don't even realize it anymore, but I am not there yet. 

I am not sure why I am cranky, having sex for 3 minutes over the last year+ isn't really sex...but at least I had amazing kissing and intimacy.

In fact, desperate times calls for desperate measures.  I reached out to Cop#1 to see if he'd be interested in a denise relapse.  I know he isn't the best choice because of his situation...but he is the best choice for my satisfaction and really, for me, right now, that is what I need.  

Hopefully something more permanent will come my way soon.

 

ManFriend Relapse

I slept with ManFriend.

Friday I was really annoyed that ManFriend still didn't pay for the furniture he asked me to buy when he looked at the apartment what, 19 months ago.  And even though we broke up, I didn't think those pieces of furniture he took should be a housewarming gift...not after everything else.  And since our personal relationship was over.  I wrote a letter to him as his ex-landlord demanding the money but I waited until I was home to send it.

As soon as he read it he called me to yell at me for behaving in such a way.  I cried...I mean, I wasn't trying to be mean, but he can't dispute the fact he hasn't bought the furniture and in essence stole from me.  The way I handled it was what pissed him off. I thought it was a little funny, he doesn't necessarily get my odd sense of humor.  But I understood where he was coming from, I probably should have called...but we chatted about it a week and a half before and through texts and before he moved out and before that. I thought an email, when he was home would be better - he could add it to his to do list.

So after I started crying he felt bad and said he'd make it up to me, and asked if I'd meet him half way for dinner and he'd give me the money.  sure.  Why not?  We continued to catch up from the last 2 weeks and talked for 40 minutes or so, a really nice conversation.  Then he told me to forget meeting half way, but to go to his place and we'd kiss.  I said that probably wasn't a smart idea, but I wanted to.  You know my problem with kissing him...it is amazing. I wanted to feel that amazement again.

So I put on a summer dress and schleped to Chatham.  Of course I was attracted to him.  He looked so good. That is what happens after 3 weeks go by after not seeing someone.  He practically devoured me as soon as I got into his place.  The kissing was fantastic.  The moment we had on the couch staring in each other's eyes and kissing and groping  I didn't want to leave for dinner but I was so hungry and having dinner when you are so horny like that is a little fun.  We held hands in the car, we held hands walking to the place.  We kissed like fools in the parking lot.

So we went to dinner had a bottle of wine chatted for another 90 minutes or so and went back to have 3 minutes of sex - where he said he loved me and we talked for another 90 minutes. I think finally around 1:30/2 am we went to bed - and I had to be up at 5:15.  He paid for dinner, but I didn't get the money for the furniture.

I am not stupid, while it was such an amazing night...I know it doesn't mean we'll date again.  There are huge differences that won't change.  He either doesn't want or is not ready for the kind of relationship I want.  And I can't waste my time with that anymore.  But, if the last three weeks made him realize that he is passing up and is ready to do fun things together...well, maybe I'd reconsider.  So if this was our last encounter, at least it was really nice and we are walking away with happier memories of each other. And if it isn't our last encounter, well, I don't mind more kissing.


and PS...that woman that he was linkedin with this week...I wasn't entirely wrong.  They definitely slept together...but it was before me.

the most interesting excuse so far

You ManFriend haters are going to LOVE this one.  I swear, I can't make this stuff up.

Me:  want to get naked?
ManFriend:  On Easter morning? Isn't that sacrilegious?
Me:  No, not at all.  But if you are looking for a reason to not see me, that is a fine excuse.
ManFriend:  I'm going to mass and your tempting me like the snake
Me: Gee, I've been throwing myself at you for the last 2 days and you haven't bitten yet, so I am not surprised church will win.
ManFriend: It's Easter morning.  Thinking about God is something I'd rather be doing. I'm not avoiding you.  I'm just worshiping.
Me:  that excuse works for today, not yesterday.  (and then I sent a link to a catholic forum, where really religious people talk about having sex on Easter...and how they are all OK with it)
over an hour later - ManFriend: I don't know what to make of that (the website link)
Me: that religious people have sex on Easter
ManFriend:  Duh.  I knew that.  I didn't want to have sex before I went to Mass.  A personal choice of mine.

I respect other people's religious beliefs.  However, ManFriend has attended a mass maybe twice this year.  If his whole thing was about sex BEFORE mass...well, there are a lot of mass time choices around here, it could have worked if he wanted it to.  Also, he could have said, it in a lot nicer way like "I'd love to get naked with you today, but I am on my way to Mass, maybe we can meet up around 8 tonight"  but of course he couldn't quite say that because I knew I wouldn't see him after either because he'd be 'too full'.  So he really needs to stop telling me he needs to see me ASAP...when he isn't willing to find the time.

If you were wondering what happened the day before Easter (the yesterday from above), I texted him 3 times throughout the day - about how I was looking forward to seeing him later and for him to call me when he was on his way home from the Auto Show.  Finally at like 8:30 he calls and he is watching the hockey game...and then he was like, I am going to run out to get beer, I'll call you in 30 minutes....and an hour later he calls and complains about the hockey game.  Hmm. so much for seeing each other.  I actually shed a few tears before falling asleep.  I know I can't do this anymore...I have 26 more days to get through - 4 weeks = 4 times I'll see him.  Then I'll be free again.

finally, morning nookie

Saturday afternoon I saw ManFriend when he dropped something off. I was guarded, I hate that we see each other it is on his terms all the time..but he kept telling me how much he desires me and how much I turn him on (and I wasn't wearing anything nice and had little makeup on).  We start kissing.  It got heated.  He invited me over to his place a few hours away...I wanted to go, but I didn't want to say yes right then.  And off he went to dinner with his family.

When he called to invite me over at the specified time he informed me to bring a bag because I would be spending the night.  I smiled.  I brought just a shirt, glasses, contact stuff and toothbrush. I knew I wouldn't need more because I knew I wouldn't stay late.

So, I go over there and we crack open a beer and rent a movie.  But 30 seconds into the movie we start kissing....10 minutes later we pause the movie to move into the other room.  I could tell he wanted me to tell him I loved him...but nope, I can't say that.

We restart the movie and an hour later he falls asleep so I convince him it was bedtime.  It took a while, but when I finally fell asleep, I slept so much better this time around.  At 7 am when we woke up we chatted a little bit and then he gets up to pee and then I do...and when I come back, he was dressed and in the kitchen.  I was disappointed; I blogged months ago about my need for nookie in the morning.  As I realize nothing was going to happen, not even a good morning kiss, I go into the bedroom to change so I can head out.  ManFriend walks in on me, and then in a turn of events...we ended up back in bed.  He had some difficulties, but finally managed.

I am a little concerned, sometimes it looks like he is in so much pain.  Maybe that explains why he doesn't have sex with me as much as I want him to.  But can I ask about that?  Sure, we've been 'together' long enough but I barely consider this a relationship.

Anyway, I left there happy.  No breakfast...but hey, things improved a tiny bit.   It started my Sunday off well, I was happy and thought about him most of the day.  When I cooked for the week, I made lots of extras for him (I've done this more times than I care to admit) to pick up later that night, and when he picked it up I didn't get a hug or kiss or anything...just a thanks.   it seemed more friend-like than couple like.

I just want to know, are we a couple? Are we not?

But does it even matter? This isn't what I want and I think that he has been a bachelor too long to do anything more and realize there is a problem.  

hhhh!

I can't even remember the last time I had an orgasm by ManFriend.  It took me a while initially in our 'relationship' to even have one, but I was finally able to have a small one when I was on top of him - and if I was lucky maybe a small second one.

But when was the last time that happened?  Surely before the whole New Years fiasco, probably a while before that too.

We kiss so amazingly together, and of course then I crave his body inside of mine.  But that lasts, if I am lucky, all of 4 minutes.  If we kiss less to start, maybe he can go 8, if we kiss more, it is more like 2 minutes...so of course I leave his bed unfulfilled.  Sometimes I come home and have to finish myself.

I love that he finds me so attractive that he can't resist - and can't last.  It is kind of sexy in a way, knowing I have that power over someone.  His recovery time is like 24-48 hours...so it isn't like his short performance will lead to more intense or lengthy sex once he is ready to go again.

But sometimes I need more.  OK, who am I kidding, I need more, a lot more.

I know when I am so turned on, I should move his fingers a little to where they'd make a bigger difference - but instead, once I get to that almost point...I end up just pretending to have one.  The worst part, I am not pretending well; he either thinks I have the worlds quietest orgasm or he knows but is not admitting he knows he can't get me off.

I just want to OOOOOooooohhhh! regularly again.

tis the season for re-hookups

It is that time of year where people are re-hooking up.  Unfortunately I am not stranger to this phenomenon - I recycle my men.  I do it because I want to keep my number low and you know what you are getting yourself into.  It makes perfect sense.

So, I have a sorta thing going with ManFriend, nothing restrictive but he constantly tells me how lucky he is to be with me, and that I turn him on, and that I am sexy as hell.

But, I've hooked up with Cop#1 about 7 times this year because he is my addiction.  We've been at it on and off for 13 years...and I love that I excite him so much.

And now, out of the woodwork I received a "poke" from Bank Boy. I didn't know you can still poke people on Facebook, but that generated a short conversation.  He suggested one more night.  But remember, he was obsessed...there is no way I can do that again because once isn't enough for him, I rocked his world a little too much.

Two days later HSK started messaging me again, first it was just catching up stuff over the last 1 1/2 years since he decided I wasn't good enough for him, but then he started complimenting me then asked to hang out.  Then more messages on different days - still filled with compliments.  We even made plans so he can show me a good time...whatever that may entail.  Normally I wouldn't go for hooking up with him again, because he was an odd conceited fellow...but no joke, his small little penis was the most satisfying and amazing sexual experiences ever.  So, why would I not try again, especially because I feel like having lame sex with ManFriend is making me forget to have decent sex.

Then comes some New Year's resolution ideas from my male friends about hooking up with them in the New Year.  I told one guy that I was open to hanging out with him again - I haven't seen him since I was friends with this girl T from college, he is/was her friend.  But his penis was HUGE...a little scary.  Add to that greesy - him and his girlfriend are rocky, so immediately he asks to bang.

Finally, the most unexpected of all was Doofy.  I never made a good impression with him in the bedroom.  His huge penis scared me, clearly I have a problem with extra large. I always felt young and inexperienced with him.  It may have been the timing too - I was a bit more insecure a few years ago.  I mean ManFriend has been with ~over 150 women, and I am not bothered with that, so just because Doofy is more experienced  I shouldn't have a problem, especially if he was willing to teach me stuff. Who doesn't love to learn?  Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a long time, so it was nice to chat with him a little bit and I was super flattered with his kind words.

What should this tell me?  It tells me that I am desirable   I mean, it isn't one person telling me I am pretty or that they want to have indecent relations with me - this is now a few of my past men...men who know me, men who've seen me naked, men who've seen the 'crazy' Denise, the 'sad' Denise, the 'happy' Denise, the super drunk Denise, and the serious Denise.  A few men, so it can't be a mistake.  If I had a tag on me, it would say 'recommended by 9.5 out of 10 men'.

So there it is, I must be pretty awesome, otherwise these men wouldn't be asking to re-hook up with me.  Tis the season, where I might let my guard down, and just do it...with all of them.  Why not?

stealing a birthday

I hate my birthday.  I think it is because ever year when it rolls around I am reminded of how my life isn't how I hoped the year would go or that my 'plan' will never happen, and that I am getting old.  Old age scares me, and I feel like NOW is the time to live...and I am barely.

But there is one day when I am determined to have a fabulous day, and that day happens to be SI's birthday.  OK OK, I know that sounds absolutely insane.  And even though he has no clue, for me it is more of a 'see, you bastard, you aren't the only one who is going to have a great day today...damn it I am too'.

So for the last few years I've scheduled dates, had sex, took the day off and shopped, whatever.  

This year, I had high expectations.  I was just getting over a fever and knew that on that day - that it would be gone so I would look and feel good.  I took a shower, spent that extra minute on my makeup, wore something great.  I arranged a lunch with a coworker and had a good day at work.  Things with ManFriend have been off (no surprise) so I put on some lingerie and went over there with that on, and a coat with heels.  I've always wanted to do that.  Open the door, take off my coat, let it fall to the floor, and surprise!  But, it was not the reaction I hoped. It missed passion, it missed intensity and desire.  It was like, oh you are here? I totally forgot we had plans, I am tired, and well, since you are half naked I feel obligated to have sex with you.  So it was awkward, I felt like a whore but I was determined to have sex on SI's birthday - I can't break a streak.

So, it wasn't an ideal day, but it wasn't a horrible one either, better luck next year.

I am the best

Not long ago, man friend and I were talking:

Mf- late nigh play date? ...
Me- I am glad you think I am a decent lay
Mf- decent? One of the best ever. I can't describe how much I love when we are together
Me- hmm, not bad for an inexperienced gal ...
Me- imagine how much better it would be if actual feelings were involved
Mf- I think about that all the time, it would be mind blowing

Ok, so why did I share that? To tell you that I think our sex is good, it wasn't my style, but I've adjusted to how he likes it. With that, I don't get what I like very often, if at all. I am not bothered by it because it's just sex.

Which brings me to my next point. If something is that good and he claims we have 'a strong friendship' I don't know why he is so reluctant to want to be in a relationship with me. Sure, before we met he had just broken up with someone he was dating for a year. Our non-relationship has been going on now for 8 months, and last month I told him I was ready for a relationship and if he wasn't I was going to start dating. (see, I had a blind date and I signed up for an online site - I am ready!). I don't think manfriend thinks I am actively pursuing this, but he has a little more time; I won't cut ties until I find someone else that starts consuming my time.

Tinted windows

I never gave tinted windows a second glance. But now, I am curious why people opt for them, what are they trying to hide? And it must be good because the states can restrict how much tint is legal. Last month I had the privilege of being in a car with super tinted windows and I found out what some people do - and it is no good. It was super exciting and you have a little fear of being caught. My biggest regret is not wearing a dress/skirt so I could have taken more advantage of the blackout windows...but what we did was still super thrilling and exciting. I hope I have the opportunity to take it to the next level, shouldn't everyone have sex in the car at least once?

A little deeper

It is interesting how the body adapts.  Once a long time ago, I was with a man who was above average in penis size.  My body took it in in all ways, and it was not a big deal.  But then over the course of the last nine years ago or so, I was with penises average and below average.  My body adjusted accordingly.

But what happens when you surprise your body with big again?  You had the same one before, my body should take it all in.  But sadly, it does not right away; it takes a little work, some miscomfort, and a little break.  And of course multiple occasions to get back up to par.  But what is there to not like about all that practice?

You would be the lucky one

I think it is hilarious that after not seeing my man friend for a week - we had plans for Friday but I never heard from him - he sends me a text saying "And maybe something if you're a good girl".  My response?  "Haha.  that is a little funny.  Should we have sex, I think you would be the lucky one."

Seriously? What is wrong with men?  I get we aren't dating, that it is casual, but aren't there still rules?  What makes him think I would be the one that benefits from this encounter? I have not been satisfied yet - he doesn't even try.  The whole thing is getting old real fast.  I figured he felt the same way and things would just fizzle out.   Maybe not. 

I'll have to add that to my list of things to do in March/April - figure out how to tell him that our (now) once a week encounter isn't enough to keep me coming back and it needs to end.  I am still amazed how quickly this whole thing nosedived.  Two months ago, it had potential.  I won't lie, it was decent and I'll miss the way he kisses and some other stuff - and I have no other people waiting...so that means I go from unsatisfying to nothing.  Maybe I should wait till I meet someone who does have potential. I don't want to loose the sexual confidence I've built back up.  And who knows how long it will take for me to find the next guy.

But I go over and as we are kissing he says that he wants to take me away again, that this doesn't just have to be me coming over, having sex and leaving...I could stay over sometimes.  I figured now was time to bring up some things, but we are still kissing, so I get a little in..."I don't think we sleep over well - you look at me in the morning like I have ten eyes and that you want to get as far away from me as possible"  His response - 'I am not a morning person.'  Hmm, really?  could have fooled me.  So I was like, well I am just following your lead - and trying to read you.  The conversation ends because the kissing is heating up.  Then in bed he actually put more effort in and tried tonight...I was shocked.  And in the  middle of it all he says "why don't we do this more?"  My goodness...I am so tired of that - I have no idea...maybe because he doesn't reach out...I always did, and I stopped and then so did the sex.   I figured he was getting laid more often with someone else.

Guys seriously confuse me. They think they are simple - they think they require just 'food, sex and the remote control'.  But here I am, offering all three, and it isn't enough for him to want it act on it more frequently.

No morning nookie may lead to an end

Me and my man-friend took a trip up to Mohegan Sun Sunday night. While we've had [only] three sleepovers, this was a little different, we'd be spending about 18 hours together. The almost two hour drive was a little awkward; we did a lot of our talking the first half, and while I was 100% comfortable with some silence, he did ask a few times if I was OK. But I ran out of things to say. We check into the hotel, and I was a little disappointed he didn't want to have a quickie before we headed to the casino, but the suspense I suppose made it something to look forward to later. We had dinner and drinks first I have to say, I like the guy, we have some very interesting conversations at dinner. He makes me laugh and I think he is nice looking with clothes on. Unfortunately we didn't have very much luck in the gambling area - but it was kinda fun but kinda not quite what I thought this date outing would be.

Unfortunately I remembered this morning why this man-friend continues to disappoint me. He isn't too aggressive like Bank Boy, which is nice, but I like a man who walks the talk and persues me. He says a lot of shit about how beautiful I am, things he wants to do to/with me, suggests a higher frequency, but then he doesn't do most of it and I am left disappointed. Not once from our sleep overs did we have sex in the morning...and that is a problem for me.  I have mentioned morning sex and he always claims he is up for it, but he is all weird in the morning like he woke up and there is a stranger in the bed that he needs to rush out. It makes no sense. For instance last night I told him that we better get it on in the morning and he adamantly agreed...isn't that why people go away together and stay the night?  But even sleeping sans clothes and rubbing his belly when he wakes up, he gets up and starts getting ready. After his shower, I walk over to him naked and kiss him, and he looks at me like I have 10 eyes and practically pushes me away. Is this normal male behavior? Did SI give me all these wrong ideas and expectations?  We had 40 minutes to check out of the hotel, plenty of time for a little action and if not surely when we got back 'home'?  But nope. Not even close.  Maybe he realized he didn't want this type of arrangement anymore.

Even though I barely feel any kind of emotional connection there is something about him that intrigues me. And I do get annoyed when he disappoints me. Maybe I do like him a little, but I am just so not ready to actually admit that...since that would mean he'd be the first person I'd like since SI?  But no, I don't think I do...if I did wouldn't I get butterflies and be excited to hang out? I know he isn't husband material and I don't feel any of that. 

This can't go on much longer because I am way too horny and I want someone who spends way more time with me. His words are pointless because in reality he can't met my most basic needs.  But is it worth it to end this arrangementnow? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it until I meet someone better? What if I don't?

a small talk for a small change

Well, it was time for 'the talk' with my male friend.  After a weekend alone again I drank a little and all these random thoughts started to go through my head.  Drinking and thinking rationally do not go together, but then again, the thoughts have been in my head for a while anyway.

Last week there was an impromptu date that ended back at his place...and what do I see in the sink?  2 wine glasses.  **FLASHING LIGHTS** go off in my head because why would there be two?  I have been around enough cheating that this was a sure fire sign to me that my friend had company the night before.

Then there are the times that he claims to not have plans but yet is unavailable to see me.  Really? Why wouldn't the man want to get laid?  **FLASHING LIGHTS** sign he is getting it somewhere else.

Now let's add in the fact that in the last two weeks I've noticed a difference.  He used to text me first, but then it was always me.  I was asking what he was doing and making the plans..I didn't like this.  **FLASHING LIGHTS** was I becoming a backup/midweek only kind of girl?  I don't want to be second. And why were we seeing less of each other now than we did a month ago?

So in the midst of drinking, I decide that if I was going to continue to pass time and hang out with him, then things need to change.  But how do you approach these topics with someone new?  As we are kissing, I am resisting doing anything else.  Then I realize now was the time.  I needed to have this small 'talk'.  But how do you tell someone after two months you want them to start using a condom? Isn't it a little late for that? 

I fumble and I sound incoherent even though in my head I practiced it several times throughout the day.  "Hmm.  Well...Look, I....If you are sleeping with other people, then we need to start using condoms.  I am having a hard enough time finding a husband now, let alone after I contract some sort of STD from you".  Yes folks, that is what I said.  He starts laughing and tells me I am crazy.  And I continue "well, you are always telling me that you are a bachelor and that one is never enough for you and I don't expect..." He cuts me off essentially not answering my questions or reassuring me but avoids it all together (typical man) and confirms that bachelor is just another word for single and I am over thinking the wrong things. 

So I wasn't able to get my examples in nor did I get a "I am not dating/sleeping with anyone else".  And I am sad to report that my little talk had zero effect. 

If you learn anything from me...I hope that you will stick to your guns more than I do. 

Why my past men are important to me

I feel like I need to recount my sexual past and share with you what I've learned from them and why they were important in my life and helped me develop into who I am today and who I will become in the future.

1. Kevin - losing virginity is never fun. Glad I did it with someone I knew. One night stands are not the best.
2. Cop #1 - intense sexual attraction.  Sex all the time. 'cyber sex'. videos.  First sexual relationship and what I base most of my other encounters around.
3. Cop #2 - anal sex hurts way too much to be enjoyed without lube.
4. SI - simultaneous self masturbation. toy.  sex multiple times a day.  squirting. living with someone.  love. heartache. signs of cheating. 
5. Greasy - I don't like sex when it is suffocating. I need to breathe.
6. Bank Boy - some men won't stop until your needs are met...it was a strange feeling to have someone so attentive
7. Doofy - rough.  big penis isn't necessarily a good thing.
8. HSK - how amazing a small penis could be.  Orgasm during sex.
9. ManFriend - slow passionate (without the passion) sex.

Without all these completely different experiences I wouldn't know how to change things up a little.  Sex is truly so different with different people but there is no reason why you can't take what you learned one place and tried it with someone else.  It also helps you realize what you like and what you don't. I am thankful for all these experiences so far, and I look forward for more to come.