Tuesday, August 21, 2012


I was ecstatic that my birthday happened to fall on a weekend day this year, which worked out great because I don't get vacation time yet, and I refuse to work on my birthday (well, that was mostly because I didn't want to be annoyed on my birthday; which was guaranteed with my last job - this job, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad).

So here is a snapshot of highlights from my birthday.

The day before my supervisor gave me a card signed by him and a few people in my sort of department...it was really touching because I didn't know they knew it was my birthday. 

I happened to be awake at midnight, and my sisters were with me - and wished me a happy birthday - and moments later I got a huge hive...I guess my body was not happy about turning 33.  Unfortunately I only got about 5 1/2 hours of sleep - but I woke up happy.

Breakfast in bed, watching Sponge Bob (I hate that show)
Then I went to a sex-shop to get a gift.
Following that I had lunch at a yacht club with my friend.  It was my first time I've been to a private club like that, and I really enjoyed it.  Truth is, I always wanted to belong to one...and maybe I will if I find someone that can afford it and wants to have that kind of lifestyle.  My friend and I split a salad and a lobster roll.  My view was relaxing and beautiful - it was a clear day so I was able to see the NYC skyline.
After lunch I milled around for about 90 minutes, then I boarded the train for the city for a bachelorette party.  I had a drink on a rooftop bar, then rode in a limo to our next destination, the drag show.  I've always wanted to see the drag show...but it was a little less than what I had hoped.  Don't get me wrong, I was hysterical laughing for a little while...but I felt like it fell short with the entertainment.  Glad I did it once.

Next was Johnny Utah's for drinks and bull rides.  I didn't think I'd ride the bull, but we got there early enough where I could do it somewhat anonymously (as in not that many people would see me).  I went up to the bull and mounted him quite quickly compared to the other ladies before me.  The bull conductor was really nice and went sort of slow and I told him when I was done because I didn't want to fall off. 
all the pictures of me on the bull were blurry :(
Then I headed home so I could sleep in my own bed.

It was the first birthday in about 7 years that I didn't cry on my birthday, so it made the day even better.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Whose that lady?

This is what I look like these days.

Monday, August 13, 2012


A friend was honest with me and told she felt disconnected from her husband.

I didn't want to pry but I asked questions to try and help her figure this all out.  One might not want to get divorced, but the only alternative is to communicate and work through the disconnect.

Even though I expected the answers to reflect this time, when I asked about the past I was shocked I didn't hear more certainty. 

Let me reiterate I am certainly no expert in this area for two reasons, 1) I do not have a degree or formal experience and 2) I am single, never married and lost the first man I loved to another woman. 

But when I asked, were you ever happy or just content, I expected happy and examples.  What I was told was an 'maybe for a little while".  When I asked about lighting up when the man walked into the room or butterflies in the stomach at the beginning at least, I didn't get a yes.  When I asked about thinking about loosing this man, would you cry- I didn't get a response. I won't even say how bad their lovelife is.

Who can live with less than contentment?  Especially when there are no children involved?  I understand people don't want to divorce and sometimes it is because fear of being alone and fear or figuring out how to survive financially, and dating, and having that stigma of divorce.  But staying together essentially as roommates when you are young seems silly.

So I thought about my friends responses, and I felt horrible because as I was asking them, I knew why I asked those selected questions.  I thought back to SI, and I 100% without a doubt had butterflies for months into our relationship, I thought I was so lucky to be with him, I lit up frequently when I'd get home from work or after not seeing him, when I'd pass an accident on the highway, I'd cry thinking if that was SI I would be devastated.  I couldn't keep my hands off him, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him.  Those are signs I was in head over heels in love with that man, which is why it took me forever to get over him.

Everyone should feel that kind of happiness and bliss.

I've been on both sides.  Being single is not easy - and I don't think too many people can do it well which is why they stay in relationships where they are less than content. I want to see people stay together, but if you aren't willing to put effort in, it won't magically happen.

I don't think I have a fairytale idea about love, I have been very selective of my men, and I will not settle for contentment.


Do you like surprises?  I am generally not a fan.  Maybe it is because I can't guarantee I can pull off that happy or excited look.

This morning I had the rare opportunity to log into my email from a computer, and as my luck would have it, my mouse happened to be over an email from an ex and I see the picture of him with a burp cloth over his shoulder.

First let me say I am not too surprised by this revelation, as I have said a few times on here I assumed he had a child/children.  This only confirms my assumption.

What I don't know (and I have no doubt I  could find out if I needed to know, which I do not, I have zero desire to know) is who is the baby mamma. Is it the mistress or someone new?  Has he fathered children with different women (this would be my preference for several reasons), and does he like being a dad?  When I knew him, he knew nothing about children it was scary...but like everything else learn as you go.

I am sure his relationship will be strained a little during parenthood because he was so opinionated and stubborn that at times I was uncomfortable around him. I hope he found someone as crazy as he is, and then it would be a moot point.

Best of luck to you.

It is a little ironic that the one man who was willing to compromise on having one child with me because I wanted several, has child/children before me (red flag there that should have known we weren't right for each other, still pissed I wasted 8 years on him)...and I am at the point know where I don't know if I want any, or I should rephrase and say I don't want a baby, but give me a 6 year old.  I know I'd be a great mother so I'll let my fh decide for us about having kids.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Great Falls

The national park association added a new historical park in March 2009- Great Falls in Paterson NJ, making it the 397th national park system unit, though it was a National Landmark since 1976.
It was close by so I thought I'd check it out.  However I was a bit disappointed.  Maybe it is just because the N.P. association has not technically acquired the land, and they have not improved the area.
The Falls were just that, waterfalls that drops 77 feet. Nothing too impressive and not part of a beautiful landscape - are they really the second largest wast of the Mississippi?  Maybe my travels have clouded my perceptions. 
What I hope to see eventually would be a tour of the power plant - with 18, 19 and 20th century water power remnants and raceway system and I have no doubt they will make the park greens more visitor friendly.
I suppose what is fascinating in the history...but do we declare all historical areas national parks?
Alexander Hamilton envisioned Paterson NJ as a large industrial center that would be powered by the waterfalls. It played a vital role during the industrial revolution.
I think having a national park in Paterson will be good, it is such an industrial area that tourists will go because they have goals to check out all the national parks and in turn will bring a little money to the area.  There are some other great things close by, so one could make a day or two doing a few miscellaneous activities in the area
However, do not plan to spend more than 30 minutes here. And do not plan a trip around this location right now.
What was nice is that the current great falls association has jazz on selected Saturday nights in the summer in the parking lot.  It was free, had a relaxing feel and there was some food/beverage vendors.
For more information on The Great Falls visit the national parks website or the Paterson Friends of the Great Falls (www.patersongreatfalls.org).

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I'm sexy and I know it

I had a great time at the photo shoot a few weeks ago.  Most of the pictures came out great...and I am not going to show you many of them...but here is one.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Calling on the saints

At my card reading in November, the lady told me to pray to St. Anne; I did not. When we went back a few weeks ago, the lady told my mother that the single daughter needs to reach out to St. Anne (she didn't know of our relationship/I went after).

I figured why not try it...nothing else seems to be working.  I drive around where I knew there was a religious store, but apparently it is no longer there, so I had to order this $16 statue online with a $10 shipping charge.  A few days later it arrives and a few days later I decide to start my 9 day prayer.

Each night I read a short two paragraphs asking St. Anne to intercede for me. 

So, St. Anne, please send me my man soon.

Have you heard/tries this?

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Not the end, yet

Yesterday I heard from man friend after 3 weeks, we chatted a little about 'business' stuff then he asked me my feelings on that 'other' stuff.  I told him I was over it, and that I was sorry, he agreed.

But we met up after work because we had those 'business things to discuss' and it was still comfortable and not awkward.  We finish our drink and leave and then he kisses me.  And I take a step back and look at him and ask what he was doing...I thought we agreed to none of that.  So then he says we should talk more so he gets into my car.

He tells me that he wants to enjoy my friendship doing other things besides sex, that it should be just focused around that, that he wants to enjoy me as a person and when we are intimate he enjoys it tremendously because of how intimate we are.   He complained we didn't do things, at which point i get defensive and laugh and ask he he was kidding me...I TRIED to do more things with him, but he wasn't interested: ziplining, archery, montreal, Asheville, hikes, cooking class, wine tasting, etc.  I got tired of it, and we had this conversation two times already.  He said he was over it just because I did, that he didn't mean it, although he is tired of me just going over there, doing our thing and me leaving.   To me it sounds like he wants to actually date now (maybe his depression is over from his last breakup?).  I told him that I am ready for a relationship and that I plan on meeting my future husband in September, and while I don't mind occasionally going over there...he needs to know that I want more out of life, I deserve better.  He laughed that I could plan on something as crazy as meeting my future husband in such time, but continued to suggest we'd have a longer lasting whatever it is we are in.  He kept telling me how attractive I was and how much he enjoys our intimate time, and suggesting what I've wanted, but I learned from SI that words don't really mean much, they might be empty promises and so I am naturally hesitant.

So, I tried to break it off, but again, it was unsuccessful.  I have this issue of loving sex and kissing and when I am seduced, I go with it.  I know he won't hold me back, when I meet the fh, I will not need man friend, just as I won't need cop#1, and I was honest with both of them that their time was running out.  So, I will enjoy the month of August and keep my fingers crossed for September.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Not the smelly one

Sometimes I leave the bathroom stall embarrassed: the person walking in would automatically assume I was the one to stink it up.  But I am not, I suffered just as she had for the few moments it took me to pee.  I know this because I usually poop first thing in the morning.  But I can't say anything because what if she was the one who stink it up and came back to get the rest out, she would internally be mortified, but wouldn't say anything to me.

I am sure I am not the only one that thinks this. 

I also wonder how long the smell lingers and what it can get stuck on.  When it is that bad, can I leave the restroom with a slight poop smell? Would other people notice?  Does the smell damage any of my body parts like my nose hair or lungs? 

I wonder what people eat when they poop that bad, and sadly it seems like it is on a regular basis as I have been leaving the ladies room slightly dizzy.

Birthday incentives

I am really starting to love August 1st.  Since it is my birthday month, I get tons of coupons and emails about special deals just for me for my birthday; not that I need an excuse to spend money.

My all time favorite birthday deal is from Applebee's - a FREE three course meal plus a drink.  Almost any appetizer, any entree, a dessert and any beverage (including alcoholic).  The last two years my sister and I would go twice (we both have August birthdays), eat this mediocre food and delicious dessert and enjoy a $35 free meal and pay a $20 bill (for the extra entrees) plus a nice tip.

Also among my must use birthday coupons are bare minerals, Ann Taylor loft and sephora.