Gratitude List for August

My friend told me about a challenge she completed, and I thought it sounded like something I should do...think about a different thing I am grateful for each day.  I decided I wanted to make my list something relevant for that day...not just in general, so everything you read below is based on that particular day's experiences and thoughts.

In August 2013, I was grateful...

1. That I can pack for 8 days in a carry-on
2. That I can travel alone and be comfortable doing so
3. For fresh air and learning how to relax
4. For my health, allowing me to spend time in ways I enjoy
5. To having great friends, even though I don’t see them often
6. Having time, a little money, and the desire to travel
7. Experiencing new things, some of which I enjoy and others that I don’t
8. That I still do some things alone, and making use of time instead of pouting (although this isn’t
an all the time thing)
9. To have met a fantastic guy that gives me hope that I may not end up alone if there are still
people like him out there
10. For sex in the morning to start the day off right
11. For beautiful weather that makes me feel alive
12. To be blessed with having some amazing family friends
13. To have alone time
14. To be blessed with amazing sisters and a more amazing mother
15. That my boss appreciates me and/or my work
16. That my reading comprehension and spelling have improved
17. That I am fitting into some clothes that I haven’t worn in a while
18. That I am being financially more responsible and resisting urges to spend even more money
19.  A good night's sleep
20.  Commuting by train instead of a long commute by car
21.  For the ability to watch TV on demand when you want it
22.  That I don't live in an area that rains a lot
23.  For email and text messages that allow you to converse and learn about people so far away
24.  To have connections in the towing/car fix area
25.  For dustpans, so I don't have to touch a dead bug
26.  For wax...amazing how a little wax on your eyebrows can clean them and transform your whole face
27.  For leftovers...so I don't have to cook when I am tired and/or so hot
28.  For not commuting an hour by car each way, every workday
29.  For not bitten nails, so I can scratch my body and my scalp.  Feels so good.
30.  For a three day weekend so I can recharge
31.  For living near a body of water so I can kayak, swim, boat, fish, lounge, view and otherwise enjoy the water.

A few points of clarification

I have been getting some interesting feedback lately on my posts.  (I wish I could email you all back, but blogger blocks your email address so I can't).

1.  I am not suicidal.  When I wrote about death and suicide in December it was because I lost a friend.  I spent time thinking about our friendship, about life and about how I can help other people so they don't feel so lost or confused or sad.  If I was going to kill myself, I would have done it 4-5 years ago when my life was torn apart...but it wasn't worth it then - to give SI the gratification of my death - and it certainly isn't going to happen now when I am better.  I know I will never feel that horrible ever again, I won't let myself.  My point in that post was that I am not going to judge a person should they take their own life - but do it without causing mass murder.  Yes, suicide hurts those that are still here on Earth, I am certainly not discounting that at all.

2.  The Man Friend issue.  Sure, it isn't the best relationship and I know it isn't a forever thing...but until then what can I say, I think he is attractive, I miss him when I don't spend time with him. I like him...sometimes a lot.  I use the blog sometimes to vent, so many of you are only reading the negatives about him....but considering we started our 'relationship' last November...when did you read the first post about him?  Not till December when I hinted at it and not until February when I started to realize it was lasting longer than I thought it was going to.  Don't worry, he is not my future husband. And if you get mad reading about him and my lack of strength to end it...imagine that annoyance and anger and amplify it 95% and that is what you should have felt after the SI ordeal.  While Man Friend annoys me at times, at least I am not being emotionally abused or intentionally mislead.  I am continuing to learn about myself and about my tolerance levels of others.  He & I were meant to have this weird relationship and while I know it isn't forever I needed this. I needed to learn to trust a man again, I needed to love and not, I needed to realize what my fh is so I won't take him for granted when I met him.  This was a very important part of my life.

3.  Don't take this blog ultra seriously.  It is here mostly for me - to help me brainstorm life.  I chose topics that are somewhat relevant to what I am going through at the time - and to share it with you so you don't feel alone, no matter the circumstance someone's been in the situation before.  If something relates to you - I hope I can share my point of view....which is not the correct one...but mine.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, including me.  Maybe you'll learn from my mistakes, maybe you'll say that what you are going through isn't as bad as what I did, maybe you'll say I haven't a clue compared to what you went through. The point is, it doesn't matter...it is perspective and it can help.

4.  This is a public blog...therefore nothing on here is really a secret.  Someone posted "...nieces and nephews adore you, I hope they never find this blog" If you think my family doesn't know about my problems, you are mistaken.  Ok this blog isn't appropriate for kids that age - but not because of my sadness, it is because the topics are too mature for their age.   The rest of my family may not understand them...but they know about my problems and are mostly always supportive.  Friends and men disappear - but I am lucky enough to have an absolutely amazing family that has and will continue to stick by my side no matter what.  I am not embarrassed about any of this.  A niece looks at me and wants to be like me - smart, attractive and independent.  Through my own pain, I have inadvertently taught them about this other lifestyle - about not being married but still considered a grownup.

5.  My lack of variety in posts lately.  What can I say, I get writer's block.  There are many times I sit at the computer and have blogger open and think what am I going to write tonight?  Then 30 minutes goes by, nothing.  This continues.  I think, my readers don't want to hear about this or that again.  But sometimes that is the only thing on my mind.  I too am very disappointed in my variety these last few months.  Why don't you email me some topic ideas?

6.  I am not funny anymore.  This is true. Again, it depends on where I am emotionally.  I am more funny when I am happy without a care in the world.  When I am depressed I tend to vent and share things that piss me off.  Unfortunately I have been less than happy lately so this shouldn't be a surprise.  I also have a 'different' sense of humor than you - it is more dry and witty, and it definitely does not come across well on a blog.  Sometimes you think I am serious but I am being sarcastic.  Maybe I just need some motivation and experiences so I can have something funny to share with you.  I'll try to work on that.

7.  Instead of complaining about life, do something about it.  This IS my journey. It takes a while and I am allowed to complain a little bit here and there.  I know my life is going to be amazing...and you will read some of that eventually, but I am not going to change it overnight. I equate that to a fad diet, too much change too soon will not give you long lasting results. I am not looking for a band-aid/quick fix, I am working on a life change.  It is not an easy process, and I've had a lot of help along with the way with my life coach and from family and friends.  I give myself credit, I've come a long way in the last 3-4 years.

8.  One of the most read posts is about laser hair removal with over 12,000 hits - yet only 8 comments.  I hope that on topics that I share an experience to make you more informed actually helps.  I am guessing it does because I get such few comments and the most popular posts which means people don't disagree with me.

9.  Why do I struggle being single?  The grass is always greener on the other side.  All these married people don't seem to understand my struggles.  You think being single would be amazing, I don't have to worry about making a man happy or chasing after kids...but what you don't understand is I don't have that even if I wanted it.  Give single people more credit - it is very difficult thing to do unless you want to be a bachelor/ette.    Being single means being alone a lot, not having someone to check in on you, not having someone to help you, not having someone to travel with or have a date to a wedding.  It means doing things ALONE.  When is the last time you ate in a restaurant alone? Took a trip alone?  Spent a whole weekend day not speaking since there was no one there to listen.  These are regular occurrences for me.  Even without a man to share that with - my female friends are mostly married and why would they want to take a trip with me when they have that special person?  Being single can be lonely at times.  Sure, I have moments I am thrilled I don't have to worry about that marriage/kid stuff - but in the end, my life isn't complete without it.  Please try not to judge too much if you can't relate.

10.  I have issues.  Sure, don't we all?

Lifestyle Board

Back in October my book club decided we were going to make lifestyle boards.  The first quadrant (top right) is career and ambition, the second is family and entertainment, the third is travel & leisure and the fourth quadrant is nostalgia.

Essentially you are selecting pictures that represent items in the categories (example: I might have a skyline of NYC but it might represent a large city or certain games - but it represents any board games, not necessarily one or two of them).

When we started out I thought the hardest quadrant would have been nostalgia, but I was wrong, the hardest part for me was my career & ambition.  I really don't know what I want to do, sure I want to volunteer more, but what else? I struggled with this for months.  The easiest quadrant for me was travel & leisure, and I still didn't have enough room.

This exercise was fun and really made me think.  I recommend that you make one too.

Day 30 - Write a letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Me,

I am so proud of you - you have really come a long way this year.  You were faced with what seemed to be an impossible challenge, and you finally overcame it.  While it wasn't easy, you thought of some great small steps to get to where you need to go.  Sometimes thinking outside the box works really well.  You intentionally put yourself in situations where you were uncomfortable; and yet you survived and was able to learn and grow from those experiences.

The friends thing is still a struggle right now, but I don't doubt that you have built a foundation for eventually finding friends.  You are more cheerful and smiley and just all around happy and people are attracted to those qualities. Just give it a little more time.

You are such a caring person - the love you show with your family and the few friends you care about is amazing.  Going out of your way to help others or finding ways to make those you love happy are fantastic qualities.  Keep it up.

I give you credit for watching what you've been eating.  Sure you aren't loosing that much weight since you still refuse to exercise, but you are looking fantastic.  Changing up your hair and makeup, laser hair removal, buying some new clothes, shoes and purses have helped boost your self-esteem.  Having a few men tell you how attractive you are helps too even if it is still hard for you to believe since you are a bit modest.

Just as importantly, I am happy to see that your confidence level at work, traveling and other such times has affected the way you see yourself and the realization of what you want versus what you don't is more apparent.

I love that you are still so easy-going and level headed.

Remember that you will never experience the kind of pain and trouble you did a few years back; it can only get better...so keep up the good work! 

Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why

Day 29 - Something I hope to change about myself

Two things I hope to change about myself would be my comfort level with sex and being courageous enough to do more things by myself.

I am in my thirties and I am not a virgin, so why is my comfort level with sex so low?  I mostly blame SI for that one...I mean, getting cheated on puts things in perspective.  Was it because the sex was horrible?  But if that was the case, why did he keep me around for another two years or so?  After SI, I had sex with a few other people that I didn't like...and well, because of that - I didn't put effort in to trying to have good sex and I didn't think those people deserved me knocking their socks off...then they'd just want it more and I didn't.  Then came HSK and the sex was amazing but it didn't last long. He definitely helped reboost the self esteem in that area, but not enough.  To find a guy you can openly talk to about your areas of improvement and willingness to help you could be hard. I am not the kind of girl that will settle for OK sex...I want good. I want to keep coming back for more. I want them to keep me interested and change things up not the same old boring thing all the time.  I will get there, I know I will.

The second thing I keep hoping that I won't have to face:  doing more things by myself.  I want someone in my life to SHARE so many things with me.  Vacations, new restaurants/foods, a Saturday afternoon, chores, etc.  For the last 5 years I have done a lot of things alone, and have tried to make it a goal to do things out of my comfort zone.  Sometimes I reached my quotas sometimes I didn't.  Even if I do find myself in a relationship then this is still a good skill to have because I don't want my man to be stuck on me - I'd want him to go out with his friends once in a while and I do the same.  Alone time is important.

UPDATE Day 09 - someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I was very nervous about meeting up with T.  I haven't seen her in about 4 years and not much about me has changed.  Isn't that always the worst? Seeing someone after so long and you can't really say a lot of amazing things about what you've been up to? How does that phrase go? Same thing different day?  I am stuck on this cycle.  Not a great re-first impression; although I wasn't planning on saying much about me anyway.

I tend to hold a grudge (well, with everyone except SI) and I am stubborn.  I knew going into this 'meeting' that I would be uncomfortable, but I have this thing I am working on...doing things out of my comfort zone...and this, well, it met my quota for the  month.  I was also a bit nervous about what I'd look like to someone after so much time has lapsed.  I was putting some thought into my outfit so I'd look thinner & professional (maybe just as much effort as a date) and worry that my hair will be unruly in the rain.

What if T ran over and gave me a huge hug?  What if she asks me about all the dating I've done (I can count my dates on my two hands), What if there is nothing to talk about?

I get to the bar about 45 minutes before her and down a beer to help unnerve me. She walks in and I don't stand up to greet her, but we hug very slightly.  One of the first things we talk about is my lack of enthusiasm to seeing her...so I was very honest with her about my hesitations.  Our catching up was slow.  She filled me on her divorce - that it was because (and she claims no one really knows the truth) that she fell in love with someone else when she was married and has been dating him for a year and are thinking about moving in together. She asked me a little about SI, since that is the last she knew...and unfortunately I teared up a little explaining things - I was unprepared for that. Oh, and her friend was going to meet us at the bar at 7pm.

So I have problems with two things.  First, I was shocked she invited someone else she was friends with when she hasn't seen me in so long.  I'd have preferred if she was like, 'I gotta go at 7'.  Turns out the friend was really nice and I talked with her a lot, but that also meant that I wasn't speaking to T, defeating the whole purpose of trying to decide if we were supposed to be friends or not.

Second, and this wasn't about her so much, but I don't understand why these kinds of people find love so easily.  She has never really been that single, maybe when we were 21.  But she kept bouncing around with guys.  So then she gets 'lucky' and gets married then while married finds love with a co-worker best friend?  So not only is she like SI where she doesn't understand how hard a breakup could be for someone that is madly in love with someone else, she is also happy.  I lost years of my life because I was sad and depressed...and she was over her husband before he moved out.  So now she'll probably have a second wedding...and I haven't even come close to finding someone to date me (and it is not like I am ugly or deformed).

Why I am so different?  Is it because I am no longer needy?  I am a somewhat self-sufficient, independent woman that isn't unattractive, so people just pass me by.  I want love too. 

Will I see T again? I am not opposed to it.

24b - A playlist for someone - love

Here is part two of my playlist - this is dedicated to my future husband.  Most of these songs are on my current 'love' playlist.

• Carolina Liar -Show Me What I am Looking For
• Berlin - Take My Breath Away
• Billy Joel - Just the Way You Are
• Bon Jovi - Thank You for Loving Me
• Celine Dion - The Power of Love
• Chicago - You're the Inspiration
• Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love
• Faith Hill - The Way You Love Me
• Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
• Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight
• Journey - Faithfully
• Kelly Clarkson - A Moment Like This
• Luther Vandross - Endless Love
• Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
• Phil Collins - A Groovy Kind of Love
• REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
• Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up
• Rod Stewart - Have I Told You Lately
• Shaina Twain - From This Moment On
• Luther Vandross - Always & Forever
• Edwin McCain - I Could Not Ask for More
• John Michael Montgomery - I Can Love You Like That
• KC & JoJo - All My Life
• Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
• Sara Barellis - Love Song
• Brian Adams - When You Really Love a Woman
• Bob Seger - Still the Same
• Billy Joel - Shameless
• Celine Dion - Because You Loved Me
• The Turtles - Happy Together
• Extreme - More Than Words
• Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
• Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You
• Al Green - Let's Stay Together
• Barry White - You're My First, My Last, My Everything
• Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
• Wham - I Want You to Want Me
• Diana Ross & Lionel Richie - Endless Love
• Atlantic Star - Always
• Aerosmith - I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
• Madonna - Crazy for You
• John Trivola & Olivia Newton John - You're the One that I Want
• Nat King Cole - When I Fall in Love
• Etta James - At Last
• Whitney Houston - Saving All My Love for You
• Colbie Callait - Fallin' for You
• Peabo Bryson - A Whole New World
• Lone Star - Amazed
• Frankie Vali - Can't Take My Eyes Off of You
• James Taylor - How Sweet It Is
• All 4 One - I Swear
• Luther Vandross - Here and Now
• Elton John - Your Song
• Air Supply - Even the Nights are Better
• Evan & Jarod - Crazy for this Girl
• Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
• Bryan Adams - Everything I do, I do for you
• Bon Jovi - Always
• Minnie Riperton - Loving You
• The Script - For the First Time
• Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
• Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes
• Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
• Survivor - The Search is Over
• Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

Over the last few years, I have gone back and forth if I want a child.  I wanted a child 7+ years ago but realistically in the last 5 years I knew that it wasn't an option.  There are times I am happy I don't have a kid to tote around but most of the time I feel empty like I am missing out on something that I've wanted since I was 22. 

There are definitely people I wouldn't want to have a child with...and I think how could I be so reckless?  Which I guess leads to some of my long dry spells because I scare myself sometimes.  I can't imagine aborting a future child...but I wonder if I could give one up for adoption if the timing was wrong and making some couple's dream come true. 

On the other hand, it is something I've wanted for so long that if I get pregnant, I hope it is with someone I am somewhat attracted to (I have a huge fear of thinking my kid is ugly & then they'll have a harder life in school).  I am not expecting a casual sex encounter to lead to staying/marrying the guy so I need to be ready to be a single parent, just in case.  

Of course I'd be happiest if I actually liked/loved a guy. That there was some sort of commitment and that we would raise our child together.

Long answer short...I would keep the baby and figure it out.

Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?

The best thing going for me right now is that I am starting to feel great.  I am spending money on me - Keratin hair treatments, electrolysis, laser hair removal (underarm & Brazilian bikini), new makeup, hair straightener and new clothes.  I was told once by a guy that I didn't put enough effort into my looks...and I thought, why should I? I wasn't a slob but even though I originally attracted him, it wore off and I've worried since then about not only meeting a guy but keeping one.  During my depression it was hard to want to look good or feel good and I didn't meet anyone.  Now, I am putting that effort in that I've been missing.  It hasn't been easy.  I buy shoes that I don't wear, I have bags that I don't use, I buy clothes that I either don't wear or don't know what to wear it with, I have more eye shadow than I need, and I don't know how to change up my outfits to look cute.  I still have more work to do, but what I've done I am really happy with and people notice it.  My gynecologist and my regular physician both told me that I looked great, someone else comments that I just seem happy.  Two people I hooked up with told me they liked my body - which helps my self esteem because I am insecure about my tremendous breasts and wider frame.  I smile and laugh more.  I am confident in my work, becoming a little more social, and know I deserve to be happier.  There are times that I have a bad day or look like crap but overall I am really good. I haven't felt this way since I was 16 and 19. 

I hope that by feeling great my universe will start to align and good things will start happening to me.  (job, fh, more money). 

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

When SI and I were together, I remember the moment that I realized I loved him so much that death scared me. I was driving on the NJ Turnpike we were on the phone and just hung up.  I don't recall the conversation we had, but I remember that feeling after like - nothing can happen to me now...I can't die because I love this man way too much and I need to do all these things with him.  I started to fear him driving so much (maybe this also had something to do with him being MIA for days at a time) or being on the highway and stuck in traffic for horrible accidents. I would always count my lucky stars that I was still around.

After the breakup with SI, I was miserable, completely and utterly miserable.  Although some days weren't as bad because he would feed me information that would make me believe we'd be together again, but the days that didn't feel right, the days that he didn't respond or was cruel...those days I thought about death.  I never thought about suicide to the point where I ever considered I would do that to myself.  But I did think at times that SI would/should. Horrible right? Anyway back to me.  More often than not, my thoughts turned to what it would feel like to die and ways to die or not caring about dying.  I would stand on the train platform waiting for my train and it would come and I would think - what if I just fell in front of the train?  Why didn't anyone push me onto the track? Or going into Penn Station/Grand Central Terminal and thinking what if a terrorist bombed this area right now and I blew up into millions of pieces?   I knew I didn't care what happened to me, but I wasn't going to go out of my way to do it to myself...but if fate had it happen, then so be it. I accepted it.

I am happy to report that although I am still OK that I can not control certain destinys like being a victim of some sort of mass destruction (tsunami, earthquake, bomb, etc) I no longer think about what it would be like to die on a daily basis.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today

I am still alive because someone is looking down and it just isn't my time yet.  There have been a few 'close calls' like this past winter when a huge sheet of ice fell from a building and missed hitting me by 2 inches - and a cab driver passing by yelled out the window how lucky I was that it didn't hit me...it was THAT close.  Of course in the car - where there are so many close hits or times when you think you'll fall asleep at the wheel.  Other times I was scared someone was going to end my life because it was just 'simplier'.  I am still here. Some luck, support of my family, and a lot of fate.

Day 24a - Make a playlist to someone - heartache

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone - and explain why you chose the the songs. 
Well, I can go in one of two directions.  I can go with the songs I have related to so much in the last five years or I can go with the ones of my future.  Such tough decisions - and I am not good at making decisions right now, so I will do both [due to time constraints, part a is below, and part b will be forthcoming].

Playlist 1 - this is dedicated to SI or any other future man (not that I expect there to be) that will break my heart.  Some songs are the love we had, some are how I felt after the breakup, and some are for moving on.  In no particular order whatsoever...here is my breakup playlist

• Bruno Mars  - Grenade - Gave you all I had, And you tossed it in the trash, You tossed it in the trash, you did, To give me all your love, Is all I ever asked...
• Adele - Rolling in the Deep - The scars of your love remind me of us, They keep me thinking that we almost had it all, The scars of your love, they leave me breathless, I can't help feeling, We could have had it all, Rolling in the deep, You had my heart inside of your hand, And you played it to the beat
• Maroon 5 - Tangled - There is nothing left to say to you, that you wanat to hear, that you wanna to know.  I think you should go.  The things I've done are so shameful.  Your just innocent, A helpless victim in a spider's web.  And I am an insect going after anything I can get.
• Rhiana - Take a Bow - Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not, Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught, But you put on quite a show, Really had me going, But now it's time to go, Curtain's finally closing, That was quite a show, Very entertaining, But it's over now, Go on and take a bow
• Bon Jovi - Shot Through the Heart - Would you be content to see me crying.  After all those little games you put me through. After all I've done for you you're lying.  Wouldn't it be nice to tell the truth. Didn't somebody somewhere say. You're gonna take a fall. I gave you everything. Now here's the curtain call
• Toni Braxton - Un-Break my Heart - Un-break my heart, Say you'll love me again, Undo this hurt you caused, When you walked out the door, And walked out of my life, Un-cry these tears, I cried so many nights, Un-break my heart
• Heart - These Dreams - But all I remember Are the dreams in the mist These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside  Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
• Soft Cell - Tainted Love - Don't touch me please I cannot stand the way you tease I love you though you hurt me so Now I'm going to pack my things and go Tainted love, tainted love
• Rob Thomas - Someday - Cause maybe someday, We'll figure all this out, We'll put an end to all our doubt, Try to find a way to just feel better now and, Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud, We'll be better off somehow, Someday
• Billy Joel - Matter of Trust - Some love is just a lie of the mind, It's make believe until its only a matter of time, And some might have learned to adjust, but its always a matter of trust
• Jordin Sparks - Tattoo - I loved you once, needed protection, You're still a part of everything I do, You're on my heart just like a tattoo, (Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you I'll always have you, I'll always have you)
• Eve 6 - Inside Out - Want to put my tender, heart in a blender, Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion, Rendezvous then I'm through with you
• Mariah Carey - My All - I'd give my all to have Just one more night with you I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine 'Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song I'd give my all for your love tonight 
• Chicago - Hard Habit to Break - I guess I thought you'd be here forever, Another illusion I chose to create, You don't know what ya got until it's gone, And I found out a little too late, I was acting as if you were lucky to have me, Doin' you a favor I hardly knew you were there, But then you were gone and it was all wrong, Had no idea how much I cared, Now being without you Takes a lot of getting used to Should learn to live with it But I don't want to, Living without you, It's all a big mistake, Instead of getting easier, It's the hardest thing to take, I'm addicted to ya babe 
• Donna Summer - I Will Survive -  At first I was afraid, I was petrified, I kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.  But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, that I grew strong.
• Genesis - That's All - Just as I thought it was going alright, I find out I'm wrong, when I thought I was right, s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all, I could say day, and you'd say night, tell me it's black when I know that it's white, s'always the same, it's just a shame, that's all
• No Doubt - Don't Speak -  You and me We used to be together Everyday together always I really feel That I'm losing my best friend, I can't believe This could be the end, It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real Well I don't want to know, Don't speak, I know just what you're saying, So please stop explaining, Don't tell me cause it hurts Don't speak
• Evanescence - My Immortal - And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, Your presence still lingers here, And it won't leave me alone
• Matchbox 20 - Push - She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough, I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in, and I don't know if I've ever been really loved, By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's Gonna give, And I'm a little bit angry
• Janis Joplin - Piece of My Heart - Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,You know you got it if it makes you feel good,. You're out on the streets looking good, And baby deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right, Never, never, never, never, never, never hear me when I cry at night, Babe, and I cry all the time! But each time I tell myself that I, well I can't stand the pain, But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again
• Barenaked Ladies - Call & Answer - I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again,   I think it's getting to the point where we have almost made amends, I think it's the getting to the point that is the hardest part, and if you call, I will answer, and if you fall, I'll pick you up
• 30 Seconds to Mars - Closer to the Edge - I don't remember the moment I tried to forget, I lost myself, is it better not said, I'm closer to the edge...No I'm not saying I'm sorry, One day maybe we'll meet again
• Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds - We're caught in a trap, I can't walk out, Because I love you too much baby, Why can't you see, What you're doing to me, When you don't believe a word I say?  We can't go on together With suspicious minds And we can't build our dreams On suspicious minds
• Leona Lewis - Better in Time - Thinking that I deserve it, Now I realize that I really didn't know, If you didn't notice you mean everything, Quickly I'm learning to love again, All I know is I'm gonna be OK, Thought I couldn't live without you, It's gonna hurt when it heals too, It'll all get better in time,
  And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to, It'll all get better in time
• Pink - Hell Wit Ya - But it doesn't seem fair you're so good to her, And I tried to pretend I didn't see all those things that you do, you couldn't do for me, I was in love wit ya, But the hell wit ya cuz you didn't wanna treat me right, I was in love wit ya, But the hell wit ya cuz you didn't wanna treat me right, Now ya got another girl in your life, givin her love all day and night, was in love wit ya, But the hell wit ya cuz you didn't wanna treat me right...What does she do to you, To make you give her everything like you never did for me, Call it jealousy, but it's killin me
• The Script - Breakeven - What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok, I'm falling to pieces, yeah, I'm falling to pieces, They say bad things happen for a reason, But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding 'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving, And when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven even
• Sarah McLachlan - Stupid - how stupid could I be a simpleton could see that you're no good for me but you're the only one I see. love has made me a fool it set me on fire and watched as I floundered unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer but you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places create an oasis dries up as soon as you're gone
• Alanis Morissette - You Outta Know - and every time you speak her name Does she know how you told me you'd hold me Until you died, till you died But you're still alive And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away 
• Air Supply - All Out of Love - I wish I could carry your smile in my heart, For times when my life seems so low, It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring, When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
• Candlebox - Far Behind - Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes, But I live with what I've known, And then maybe we might share in something great, But won't you look at where we've grown, Won't you look at where we've gone, But then someday comes tomorrow holds, a sense of what I fear for you in my mind, As you trip the final line, And that cold day when you lost control, It's a shame you left my life so soon you should have told me, But you left me far behind
• Backstreet Boys - Quit Playing Games With My Heart - I live my life the way To keep you comin' back to me Everything I do is for you So what is it that you can't see Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, Impossible as it may seem But I wish I could so bad, baby You better quit playin' games with my heart
• Cheap Trick - The Flame - Watching shadows move across the wall, I feel so frightened, I wanna run to you, I wanna call, But I've been hit by lightning, Just can't stand up for fallin' apart, Can't see through this veil across my heart, over you, You'll always be the one, You were the first, you'll be the last
• Third Eye Blind - How's it Going to Be - I wonder how it's going to be, When you don't know me , How's it going to be, When you're sure I'm not there, How's it going to be, When there's no one there to talk to, Between you and me
• Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge - Sometimes I feel Like I don't have a partner Sometimes I feel Like my only friend
• Roxette - It Must Have Been Love - It must have been love, but its over now
• Adele - Set Fire to the Rain - But there is a side to you, that I never knew, never knew.  All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true.  And the games you'd play, you'd always win, always win.
• Maroon 5 - Not Coming Home - When you refuse me You confuse me, What makes you think I'll let you in again, Think again my friend, Go on misuse me and abuse me, I'll come out stronger in the end, and does it make you sad, To find yourself alone, And does it make you mad, To find that I have grown, I'll bet it hurts so bad, To see the strength that I have shown
• Chicago - Look Away - And from what you said, I know you've gotten over me; It'll never be the way it used to be., So if it's gotta be this way, Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay. But if you see me walking by, And the tears are in my eyes, Look away, baby, look away. If we meet on the streets someday, And I don't know what to say, Look away, baby, look away. Don't look at me; I don't want you to see me this way
• Katherine McPhee - Over It - Don't call, don't come by, ain't no use, don't ask me why, you'll never change, there'll be no more crying in the rain. Wanting you, to be wanting me. No that ain't no way to be. How I feel, read my lips, because I'm so over..Moving on, it's my time, you never were a friend of mine. Hurt at first, a little bit, but now I'm so over.
• Frank Sinatra - Fly me to the Moon - Fill my heart with song, And let me sing for ever more, You are all I long for, All I worship and adore, In other words, please be true, In other words, I love you 
• Poison - Every rose has its thorn - But now I hear you found somebody new, and that I never meant that much to you, To hear that tears me up inside, And to see you cuts me like a knife, I guess
• Naked Eyes - Always something There to Remind Me - Well, how can I forget you, girl? When there is always something there to remind me. always something there to remind me. I was born to love her, and I'll never be free. You'll always be a part of me.
• The Fray - Over my Head - I never knew I never knew that everything was falling through, That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue, To turn and run when all I needed was the truth, But that's how it's got to be, It's coming down to nothing more than apathy, I'd rather run the other way than stay and see, The smoke and who's still standing when it clears, Everyone knows I'm in Over my head
• Matchbox 20 - Leave - I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong, I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me, I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on, I just didn't wanna let it get away from me, But if that's how it's gonna leave, Straight out from underneath, Then we'll see who's sorry now
• Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending - You were everything, everything that I wanted, We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it, And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away, All this time you were pretending, So much for my happy ending
• Jet - Look What You Have Done - Oh, look what you've done You've made a fool of everyone Oh well, it seems like such fun Until you lose what you had won
• Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts - Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore, You lost the love I loved the most, I learned to live, half alive And now you want me one more time, Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars, Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart.  You're gonna catch a cold, From the ice inside your soul, So don't come back for me, Who do you think you are?...I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, ‘Cause you broke all your promises, And now you're back. You don't get to get me back
• Lifehouse - Broken - I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain, there is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on I'm barely holdin' on to you...I'm hangin' on another day Just to see what you throw my way And I'm hanging on to the words you say You said that I will be OK
• Pink - Please Don't Leave Me - How did I become so obnoxious, what is it with you that makes me act like this, I've never been this nasty, Can't you tell that this is all just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest, But baby I don't mean it, I mean it, I promise

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life

I wish I took more risks.  These risks could be anything as simple as smoking a little pot, having sex with a few more people, investing my money, saving more money, leaving a relationship earlier, traveling more, being more spontaneous.

Some of these things I can still try to do, all hope isn't lost.

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

I wish I didn't go back to school for my MBA at that time.  It was very expensive and caused me nothing but problems in my personal and financial life.  I didn't utilize my education after obtaining the degree...which I also regret and now I feel like I just messed it all up and can't get a great job because I still lack experience from the limitations in my current position.

Day 21 - Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 21 - Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Without a doubt, I would be at the hospital in the waiting room with my best friend's family.  I would stay there as long as possible to find out if s/he was OK or for the varying bad news.  I'd visit with my friend and would apologize - even though I know more than likely it wouldn't even need to be said...you'd just look at each other and know that there are bigger and more important things in this world.  If s/he was truly my best friend, then there wouldn't even an issue.

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

I will be honest upfront.  I have drank alcohol, I drank before I was 21, but I never did anything more than that.

Growing up I watched what my uncle went through with his drug addictions.  He would spend time at our house trying to get clean.  He stole from us, he lied. I saw what it did to my mom and her family.  It was very difficult.  I prayed for him all the time that he would clean up and get back on track.  I made a pact with one of my cousins when I was like 12 to not use drugs since it scared me.

In high school some friends smoked weed and I was tempted of course, but I didn't because I knew I didn't want to end up like my uncle and I also wanted a career with the Federal Government.  I was willing to risk that little bit of fun for something I knew would make me happier later on in life.  I never smoked a cigarette either, I saw what it did to my friends/sister and that I didn't want to become addicted. I was also worried that smoking cigarettes might lead to weed which would lead to something harder. Instead of eventually liking something so much and becoming addicted, I thought it would be easier to just avoid it.

I suppose the peer pressure wasn't that bad.  No one really tried to force it on me, but they didn't ignore it either.  If anything, my friends respected it more than my sister and cousins who tried a few times to get me to smoke.  Fast forward 15 years and I still never touched it.  I also never got that job in the Federal government...so I could have done it, but I don't regret not doing it.

My uncle did eventually clean himself up. He just had his 14th anniversary!  It wasn't easy - and thank goodness my extended family and my mom never gave up on him.  Every year I attend his anniversary NA meeting supporting him.  I sit and listen to the horrible stories they tell and reflect how happy I am that I never had to go through what they went through.  I can't even imagine a life like that.

So, I think drugs are bad.  Smoking is bad.  Drinking is bad if that is also an addiction, but the social drink here and there, I am OK with that.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion?

I think religion is good for people.  I was raised Catholic, I was baptized and had my communion and confirmation.  When I was younger, I didn't mind going to church with my mom.  I enjoyed singing the songs and memorized many of the lines - and didn't understand why the priest would look at his book when he was explaining the body of Christ.  I started to read the bible from the beginning (I didn't finish).  But that aside, I was OK with attending mass - until a year or so before my confirmation.  As I got older, I had a lot of questions, but I felt that many people could not answer my questions...and when they did, I did not like the answer.  After all, the stories in the bible are just that - stories told from someones point of view.  Whose to say that my stories and my friends versions of my life can't be a religion?  Anyone can start something, but getting all those followers? Is that cult like? I don't know.  So, after my confirmation, I only went to mass when my mom asked (begged).  I was the most religious of all my sisters, so I became the godmother of one of my nieces.  I was a registered parishioner at my last church - but for the wrong reasons, SI's mom was super religious and it was 'required' of me to be a part of a church (mind you, he was not!).  Now, I rarely at attend mass, but do so on the rare occasion (but more than the holidays).

So, I guess I haven't answered the question yet.  I think people need religion. They need someone they think will help them or answer their prayers.  Perhaps they need to believe in a higher power.  Those are all good reasons...and I hope people become less paranoid about other religions. I say believe in whatever you want - don't force it on others and don't ridicule other's beliefs.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage

This will be short.  I don't care what people do.  If you are happy - do it.   I have no objections for two people of the same gender loving each other and spending their lives devoted to one another.  Just as I have no qualms about interracial marriages.  However, I think it is important that I am all for not just loving someone of the same sex, but that those two people have the same legal rights as heterosexual couples.  If you are going to devote your life to one person, regardless of who they are, I believe you should have the same legal rights.  Plain and simple.  Come on politicians - its not a hard concept.

Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

I read a lot but I can't say that any one book has really shocked me enough to change my views.  So, I am going to instead tell you about a book I read that brought something to my attention.

Twelve and a half years ago my sister had a baby boy -  I was about 19 years old.  Being an aunt at 19 was great, I was young enough to still be a kid, but old enough to do things for myself.  I didn't understand the complexities of a parents love, I knew I loved my parents - or at least what I thought love was.

I enjoyed reading to the baby, and one of the books my sister had in her collection was Love You Forever by Robert Munsch and Sheila McGraw.  Unbeknownst to me, I picked it up and started reading, but the book really hit me and I started crying.  Sure, laugh all you want being its a children's book (doesn't the giving tree make you shed some tears too?) but this book touches upon a mother's love for her child and really touched me. 

It was like all of a sudden, something clicked inside of me.  I am my mother's daughter, she loves me and would do anything for me.  I started viewing my parents differently - perhaps most people start doing that when they have their own children.  Then it gets you thinking about what you would do for your own parents and it is probably around the same time that I realized my parents will die at some point - and that fear started setting in.  I can't not articulate what exactly changed, but it was enough that I started appreciating my parents, tried to not take advantage of them, respect them more, and want to be like them when I had children.  I have really enjoyed the time I spent with my parents over the last few years - and I do think this book helped open my eyes to understand how much someone can love another.  I am aware that many people do not have this kind of family love - but growing up my family did, and still does. 

Now, twelve plus years later, I have read this book more than once and to each of my nieces and nephews and I've purchased this book as a gift for friends that have a baby-  hoping they will enjoy it as much as I did.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without

There are two people I could live without:  SI and his ex-mistress and whatever else she turned out to be.  But, the 'nice' person I am, I am not going to name names. I was thinking about posting a picture of her...but can I do that? I mean, sure technically I can....but can I? I don't know.

So, until I am ready to find out, I will have to pick something else I could live without and I am choosing acne.

I was around 13 or so when I started getting small pimples on my chest and back.  I didn't know if they were sweat pimples or what.  My parents would bring me to the dermatologist and they would give me some sort of cream.  Eventually the acne spread to my face and I would have lots of small bumps and then some regular pimples.  Sometimes the creams needed to be refrigerated - which never worked because I was lazy and hated going back downstairs after I washed my face, and some others that worked for a while.  When those didn't work anymore, my Mom bought proactive, but three steps? Seemed a bit much and after a while I gave up.

So most of high school I still had breakouts.  Right before my period, I would get a huge one.  I would look at other people and wish that I had clearer skin.  Somewhere along the lines, my face cleared up. Could have been when I started taking birth control pills, I don't really remember.  For a while I was just a pimple here or there.

My face looked fantastic, but I hated all the hair, so I started having laser hair treatments which I loved.  Looking and feeling great, I then  decided one day to go to a makeup counter and tried a new foundation.  I remember it was a holiday party and I was itching my face.  I didn't think much of it that night, but over the next few weeks my face went from really itchy to really broken out.  OK, so I deduced that the new foundation was a trigger, but apparently it was not just an allergic reaction.   My face got so horrible, if I thought that the puberty pimples were bad, I had no idea...and the worst part? I was like 22 and had a job...so it was horrible and embarrassing.

My new dermatologist (not the one that did the laser treatments) put me on Accutane.  So for 5 1/2 months I underwent blood tests, restricted diets and so much medicine.  It was a really hard 5 months.  I went from a size 6 to a size 8, my triglyceride levels skyrocketed (a normal but bad side effect) but I started seeing a difference.  Once that cleared up, I started to only wash my face with Cetaphil soap once or twice a day. I went back to my original foundation that I trusted and things steadied out for a long time. 

However, even in my twenties and still in my thirties I still get pimples on my face and my chest.  No where near as bad as it once was, but still such a horrible thing to go through as a single adult.  I try not to wear foundation anymore and I use the Cetaphil still when I am in the shower, and other times when I remember I use 2 of the 3 steps of ProActive, but not on a regular basis since I don't want it to dry out my face.

I have always wanted to fix two things about me...my body shape/weight and my complexion/acne. 

I haven't looked up long term side effects of Accutane, but I swear it is what has caused my body to be the way it is now.  My triglyceride levels did go back down...but never to normal, but always slightly above.  I was never able to loose that little bit of weight that I gained on the medicine - and in fact even went up to a size 10. 

So for those of you with fantastic skin...appreciate it because there are so many of us that don't.  Acne go away!