Wednesday, February 22, 2012

30 things to do and not do for yourself

I came across these two articles and I just had to share them.  I see a life coach once a month to work on my goals, and I really enjoy it.  However I feel like I have been on a standstill forever.  I want change but I have not done anything to get there.  When I read the article it helped remind me of the much needed change I am craving and other reminders about living a better life.

The first article is 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  I am just going to highlight some of his 'things' and how it relates to me.
  1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. - This is actually part of my 30 goals for my 30s.  Get rid of toxic relationships.  The wrong people bring you down and add un-needed stress.
  2. Stop running from your problems. – That is all I have been doing for the last 5 years.  The good thing is I am not in denial anymore. Now is the time to start fixing them.
  3. Stop lying to yourself. – Again, I pretend to be in denial, I hope things will get better...but until I stop lying to myself, I won't be happy.
  4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – I don't have a family of my own yet, so I know this isn't out of control, but I do have instances where I put others above me and I need to remember that I deserve to be happy and fulfilled too. 
  5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – I am happy to report I think I have this under control :)
  6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.  I was finally able to let go of my past with SI and I really hope that soon things will start falling into place.
  7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. –  I am very scared of leaping into what I want to do for fear it is the wrong choice, or that it won't work out.  I have to just trust my gut and hope that it does...and what is the worst thing that will happen if it doesn't? I'll figure it out. 
  8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – Yes, I hold on to things I've done wrong...I want to learn from them so maybe I won't make them again, but instead I tend to beat myself up over them. 
  9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – I think my credit card company will attest that I spend more than I should.  The good news is that this was my goal for this year. 
  10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – Funny, I just posted about this.  I do look to others for happiness since I am having trouble finding it on my own.  However, I know logically that I am responsible for my own happiness.  The author of the article tells us that we have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else - I need stability, I haven't had that in years.
  11. Stop being idle. – I over think. It is what I do because I have way too much free time.  I also can't get to where I want to be if I only dream about it and not take action.  I need to work on this quick!
  12.  Stop thinking you’re not ready. –  More reiteration here.  I am not ready for the changes I want, but I am not happy with where I am.  I have to take that leap out of my comfort zone.
  13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – I think I am mostly OK here, see I was too scared to jump into a relationship after SI, so I haven't. Not one in the last 5+ years.  It is sad, but I know I needed time to heal, and I did.  I am probably going to be very hesitant with any new relationship because I will NEVER go through something so horrible again.  It isn't worth it.
  14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – I am guilty of this.  I don't let guys get to far; I rule them out too soon.  
  15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Not regularly, but on occasion I look at someone and want what they have. I am certainly not trying to compete with them. 
  16. Stop being jealous of others. – I do get jealous of what other people have.  My 'friends' who are married, have children, travel a lot, etc.  I wonder how they got so lucky to succeed in all the areas I fail at.  But once in a while, I try to think of what they think of me...I am the non-attached one. I am getting sleep at night and not fighting with a husband or dealing with contractors.  I am more 'carefree' in their eyes.  And while I don't think it is anything to be jealous of, they do.  The grass is always greener on the other side right?
  17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – I need to do this.  I do feel sorry for myself and my life is being wasted.  I need to remember that things happen for a reason and someday I will look back and laugh.  
  18. Stop holding grudges. – This is important and I want to say that I tackled this last year.  Once I forgave SI, I was able to be a little happier.  I met up with an old friend and we had a small pointless talk, but I did it. I accepted her invitation instead of holding my grudge out.  It didn't affect anything, but it made me less stressful.  I wrote two blogs on forgiveness - it really is so important.
  19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – I need to refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.  I tend to do this at work, and it really bothers me.
  20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – This is something I have really started to hate in the last few years, why should I have to explain myself?  So I don't say anything to anyone. 
  21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – good advice.
  22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – My life coach and I tried to focus on this last year, I can't say I've mastered it yet.
  23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – I gave up on perfect 5+ years ago.
  24. Stop following the path of least resistance. –  All I have been doing for the last 5 years is taking the easy way out and doing what I am comfortable with...I need to change that.
  25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – On the outside sometimes I appear more put together than I am.  Inside and with those that know me very well, it is obvious I am not OK.  I cry a bit still, I am a little moody, and quiet.  It is what it is.  I'll be happy eventually, maybe. 
  26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – I need to take responsibility for my life.  I used to blame people, but I realized they were there for me to learn from.  Sure because of them my life didn't go as I had hoped, but I am the one that needs to fix it.  I can't rely on other people and I can't expect the person who wronged me to even know how badly they hurt me.
  27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – good advice. I don't seem to have a problem in this area yet. I like to help people when I can.
  28. Stop worrying so much. – Worrying runs in my family.  I hope I don't become a worrier.
  29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – I am a bit of a pessimist. I think about the wrong side of things.  For instance, moving...I am more consumed with location, meeting people, job, salary, missing my family, etc.  I don't focus on how wonderful it might be.
  30. Stop being ungrateful. – Even though I am miserable, I know I have it better than other people. 

And then he followed up that blog post with 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself which is a more positive spin on life, but a bit repetitive from the list above.  Again, I'll list the 30 things and relate them to me.
  1. Start spending time with the right people. – I need to find the right people first, but I will cherish them once I have them.
  2. Start facing your problems head on. – Time to stop procrastinating. 
  3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – I can't improve my life if I am lying with what would make me happy.
  4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – I got a life coach, I know I need to do this. I am not doing enough, but I am working on it.
  5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – On my goals for my 30s.  To accept myself for who I am.
  6. Start noticing and living in the present. – All I think about is how I am wasting my life.  I am looking towards the future when I might be happy and I am missing out on the right now.  
  7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – It is hard to value the lessons until they are not fresh anymore.
  8. Start being more polite to yourself.
  9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – I find this hard, I am miserable with so many aspects of my life, that I can't enjoy what I have.  
  10. Start creating your own happiness. – This I find to be extraordinarily hard.  How do I find happiness?  I usually think that once I have the life I want (husband, child/ren, etc) that I will be happy, but I can't rely on them for that.  I don't know how to achieve this, goodness knows I've been working on it for two years. 
  11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – It's about taking a chance...I know this needs to be done, I've been pushing it away for too long.  I took my first gamble end of last year with renting my apartment...but now it is time for the next one.
  12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – I haven't been doing this.  But I need to take Thomas the Tank Engine's advice, 'I think I can, I think I can'. 
  13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. –
  14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – I am trying. I am.
  15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Oh the 22 year old me was pretty awesome.  I had a lot of things going for me, but I lost my way.  I need to get back to that state of mind where I can get anything I want and go after it.
  16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – I do this all the time. 
  17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – Lately I have been trying to find the reason behind bad things.
  18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – Again, very very important.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
  19. Start helping those around you. – Way too much, in my opinion.
  20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – Eh, I am not sure if I trust myself, which is why I haven't made changes.
  21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – 
  22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Yes small things are good for overall happiness.
  23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. –  I am definitely not as type A about certain things anymore. I've learned to take things with a grain of salt and deal with it.
  24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – My goals are big and I can't work on it everyday (which is why I haven't made progress), but I need to take smaller steps at a time and tackle it little by litte.  
  25. Start being more open about how you feel. – It is hard to talk about sadness with other people.
  26. Start taking full accountability for your own life.
  27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships
  28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – 
  29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – Think positive.  
  30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now
So that is how those things relate to me.  When you read the article or the synopsis above, was your mind turning and realizing things that you need to do also?

I hope to check out Marc's blog.  I do not know him, but after stumbling upon it with these articles, I read a few more and there is some great advice out there about bettering ourselves. I hope you find it a little helpful.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

99 days arguement free

So 100 days into my new living arrangement, my mother finally yells at me. Apparently I forgot to ask them something when I ran to the grocery store to get a few items for my dinner and that was inconsiderate. I'll be honest, I didn't 'forget' to ask them, they were watching a movie and I know they don't eat salmon or asparagus, and that was what I was making (I also re-started the 17 day diet which is more restricted then what they'd be eating). I didn't see the big deal, in the last 100 days I have always asked (if they were home) if they needed something or I'd pick up some basics for them without asking them. When I buy food it isn't just for me, they are always entitled to it.

I was very annoyed by this outburst, which also included her not knowing where I disappear to when I go out. Sure I am living rent free to pay off my debt but I've helped cook, clean up, grocery shop, etc. I know I am not doing as much as I should nor am I doing as much as I would if I lived alone, but I am depressed and depressed people get a little leeway no?  I had to remind her that I was 32, I shouldn't have to tell them where I go (they don't know I am sort of seeing that guy).

While my mom did apologize to me after speaking with my father (I feel like I am 7 and they were discussing a punishment for me) who stuck up for me, it just helps to reinforce that I need to spend less time home. I know living here for another 10 months is going to be practically impossible so I was thinking about looking into renting a room/apartment on a month to month basis - I don't want to lock anything in.

What I really need to do is figure out where I want to move and suck it up and do it. I can't keep stalling. I hate my job and I think about quitting every day. Instead of finding a job around here until I move, I should just quit, move and find a job at my new place and continue to pay down my debt but at a much slower rate.

Readers, please send me some courage to make these huge changes.  It is really scary and risky, and I am so worried I am going to make a wrong choice.  Starting over somewhere new won't be easy, but I just have to remind myself I don't have a lot of friends here, so it won't be too different someplace else.  

Monday, February 20, 2012

No morning nookie may lead to an end

Me and my man-friend took a trip up to Mohegan Sun Sunday night. While we've had [only] three sleepovers, this was a little different, we'd be spending about 18 hours together. The almost two hour drive was a little awkward; we did a lot of our talking the first half, and while I was 100% comfortable with some silence, he did ask a few times if I was OK. But I ran out of things to say. We check into the hotel, and I was a little disappointed he didn't want to have a quickie before we headed to the casino, but the suspense I suppose made it something to look forward to later. We had dinner and drinks first I have to say, I like the guy, we have some very interesting conversations at dinner. He makes me laugh and I think he is nice looking with clothes on. Unfortunately we didn't have very much luck in the gambling area - but it was kinda fun but kinda not quite what I thought this date outing would be.

Unfortunately I remembered this morning why this man-friend continues to disappoint me. He isn't too aggressive like Bank Boy, which is nice, but I like a man who walks the talk and persues me. He says a lot of shit about how beautiful I am, things he wants to do to/with me, suggests a higher frequency, but then he doesn't do most of it and I am left disappointed. Not once from our sleep overs did we have sex in the morning...and that is a problem for me.  I have mentioned morning sex and he always claims he is up for it, but he is all weird in the morning like he woke up and there is a stranger in the bed that he needs to rush out. It makes no sense. For instance last night I told him that we better get it on in the morning and he adamantly agreed...isn't that why people go away together and stay the night?  But even sleeping sans clothes and rubbing his belly when he wakes up, he gets up and starts getting ready. After his shower, I walk over to him naked and kiss him, and he looks at me like I have 10 eyes and practically pushes me away. Is this normal male behavior? Did SI give me all these wrong ideas and expectations?  We had 40 minutes to check out of the hotel, plenty of time for a little action and if not surely when we got back 'home'?  But nope. Not even close.  Maybe he realized he didn't want this type of arrangement anymore.

Even though I barely feel any kind of emotional connection there is something about him that intrigues me. And I do get annoyed when he disappoints me. Maybe I do like him a little, but I am just so not ready to actually admit that...since that would mean he'd be the first person I'd like since SI?  But no, I don't think I do...if I did wouldn't I get butterflies and be excited to hang out? I know he isn't husband material and I don't feel any of that. 
This can't go on much longer because I am way too horny and I want someone who spends way more time with me. His words are pointless because in reality he can't met my most basic needs.  But is it worth it to end this arrangementnow? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it until I meet someone better? What if I don't?

Friday, February 17, 2012

I need to take control of my time

Sometimes I wonder if I am so miserable that I have to rely on other people to help me attain happiness.  In my head it makes perfect sense, but in reality I am always disappointed.

An example is when I take a day off from work, and I ask someone who I know has off, if they'd like to do something mid-day.  They agree.  However the night before they warn me that they now have lunch plans.  Hmm, I am not happy about that, but I go along with it, I can be flexible (remember I am a great friend).  So stupid me waits.  I am not even sure if we are still hanging out. I don't make other plans because really what would I do and I was set on doing that.  So I have a lazy day of not doing anything and then becoming sad that I have nothing to do and how I let this person screw up my day off. 

What can I say, I am a little type A.  I like to know what time I am meeting someone BEFORE that time arrives.  I like to PLAN my day.  Sure, I can be spontaneous when I am sitting around doing nothing and something comes up - I go for it, but it is different when I plan on something and the other person makes it spontaneous and a side thing if they get around to finding time. 

Back to my example, so here I am thinking I am doing something during the day with this friend.  I get a text at 4:00 that they just got home.  I get out of work at four, that means, our plans are now evening or night, voiding the whole purpose of me asking them to hang out in the first place.  After a little texting it was decided our original plans were obviously not going to work and we'd have dinner instead at 8:30pm. 

8:30.  What about from 4 - 8:30? That is four and a half hours.  That is not quite how I wanted my day to go.  In the late afternoon I came close to going to a movie but didn't thinking that lunch would have to be over soon.  I know it is all my fault, because I am not supposed to wait around for other people, isn't that one of the cardinal rules?  If anything that lesson was taught to me very well by I'd wait for him to get home, and he'd never show up.  Thinking you have that one person you can rely on all the time, and he doesn't pull through for what does that say about all these so-called 'friends' who are way less important than a live in boyfriend?  If I knew the day before that I wasn't going to see this person until 8:30pm, my day would have been at least 70% different. 

I know this is something I need to change about myself because it drives me crazy and has for years.  I can't leave my need for doing things in other people's hands and I can't allow them to be responsible for my 'good/fun' days.

I need to make a list for my nights/weekends of things I can do by myself.  Like this weekend I am thinking I know I have zero plans on Saturday...what will I do?  I am tired of either doing nothing and feeling like I wasted yet another day or I am tired of people taking my time for granted, stringing me along when I could be making better use of my time.

I know you will say, "but Denise, you have a bucket list and you have goals...just work on them".  Well, the problem with that dear readers, is that those are mostly 'larger' items that require money (which I don't have) and time (most of the traveling stuff I'd want to do for more than a few hours and some places I'd like to experience with other people).  Sure there are a few easy things on there, but the timing might not be I can host a back yard talent show whenever I wanted, but I'd like to do it with my children, which I don't yet have.

So, I know people read this aside from my 22 followers - so I ask you just to spend a few moments and write me a comment about things you do during your free time, or things you wish you had time to do.  It doesn't have to be anything crazy., just things that will help me pass the time and not be so depressed that I am single and alone and miserable.  Maybe I can even credit you when I meet my future husband from one of your suggestions.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

a small talk for a small change

Well, it was time for 'the talk' with my male friend.  After a weekend alone again I drank a little and all these random thoughts started to go through my head.  Drinking and thinking rationally do not go together, but then again, the thoughts have been in my head for a while anyway.

Last week there was an impromptu date that ended back at his place...and what do I see in the sink?  2 wine glasses.  **FLASHING LIGHTS** go off in my head because why would there be two?  I have been around enough cheating that this was a sure fire sign to me that my friend had company the night before.

Then there are the times that he claims to not have plans but yet is unavailable to see me.  Really? Why wouldn't the man want to get laid?  **FLASHING LIGHTS** sign he is getting it somewhere else.

Now let's add in the fact that in the last two weeks I've noticed a difference.  He used to text me first, but then it was always me.  I was asking what he was doing and making the plans..I didn't like this.  **FLASHING LIGHTS** was I becoming a backup/midweek only kind of girl?  I don't want to be second. And why were we seeing less of each other now than we did a month ago?

So in the midst of drinking, I decide that if I was going to continue to pass time and hang out with him, then things need to change.  But how do you approach these topics with someone new?  As we are kissing, I am resisting doing anything else.  Then I realize now was the time.  I needed to have this small 'talk'.  But how do you tell someone after two months you want them to start using a condom? Isn't it a little late for that? 

I fumble and I sound incoherent even though in my head I practiced it several times throughout the day.  "Hmm.  Well...Look, I....If you are sleeping with other people, then we need to start using condoms.  I am having a hard enough time finding a husband now, let alone after I contract some sort of STD from you".  Yes folks, that is what I said.  He starts laughing and tells me I am crazy.  And I continue "well, you are always telling me that you are a bachelor and that one is never enough for you and I don't expect..." He cuts me off essentially not answering my questions or reassuring me but avoids it all together (typical man) and confirms that bachelor is just another word for single and I am over thinking the wrong things. 

So I wasn't able to get my examples in nor did I get a "I am not dating/sleeping with anyone else".  And I am sad to report that my little talk had zero effect. 

If you learn anything from me...I hope that you will stick to your guns more than I do. 

Monday, February 13, 2012

A friend like me

I am a great friend; the best.  I would love to have a friend like me, but I don't. 

Examples of how I've been a great friend in the last twelve months:
  • Bought a housewarming party for an old friend because I knew he didn't have family support and I wanted him to know that people in this world care for him and want to help him. I spent about $120 on this. 
  • I helped a friend clean an apartment that needed to be sold.  It was tough work, and sure I got paid for it, but that is not my thing and I wouldn't have done it but I knew if I was in that situation I'd want help too.
  • A friend was laid off and I bought some very basic necessities while I grocery shopped and delivered them ($40).  I also got in touch with several leads for him for new employment.
  • I babysit my friend's kids for the first time because she was in a bind and I knew she needed to get out.
  • I baked cookies for my co-workers and a few other people
  • I drove an hour so my sister could have a two drinks (I hoped she'd have more)
  • I donated money to any cause when anyone asked me
  • I helped a friend box up all her stuff so she could move out of her apartment after a breakup
  • Took my tenant out to dinner after he moved in to make sure his move went smoothly and addressed any questions he had
  • Attended events that sometimes didn't interest me so friends wouldn't have to go alone
  • Bought lots of baby gifts - even for people I rarely see
  • Attended a few boring showers/weddings
  • Rearrange my schedule so I can do something with someone who asked for help
  • Gave a few small gifts to people throughout the year when I was thinking of them or knew they'd like something
  • Went out of my way to drop something off to someone
  • Ate according to their diet
  • I waited way to long for way too many people and pretended it didn't bother me
That is just a few.  By nature I am a very sweet, caring, helpful, and understanding person.  I want to do what I can to help other people in whatever ways they need it.  The problem usually arises when I help someone my way, when they don't understand me.  Someone called me crazy just this past weekend...but I am not crazy, I just wanted to help.  I am not rich and I would love to do more, but I do what I can.  Sometimes I get a 'Thank you" sometimes I do not.  I am not doing it to get something back each time - but I'll be honest, I wish I had more friends like me. 

Sometimes I feel like when I need help no one is around.  When I ask questions, people ignore me.  When I want something, no one is there for me.  Or they agree but at the last minute cancel.  Sure I have my family...but it is obvious I have very few friends.  I don't care that my friends are minimal, but I'd like them to be better - or I need new ones.  There is only so much I can take before I feel like I give and give and give and get nothing in return.

I'd love to be bitchier. I swear those women get farther in life and somehow manage to get what they want.  But instead I got these qualities from my mother.  After a while people just assume you'd do this or that for them because that is the type of person you are...and they are using me.  How is that fulfilling to me?  The sad part is I let it continue long enough because I genuinely care about my 'close' friends and hope I am wrong about them.  But I am not, and I've seen more friendships end in the last 10 years they I'd have liked.

I wish I had a friend like me.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Why my past men are important to me

I feel like I need to recount my sexual past and share with you what I've learned from them and why they were important in my life and helped me develop into who I am today and who I will become in the future.
  1. Kevin - losing virginity is never fun. Glad I did it with someone I knew. One night stands are not the best.
  2. Cop #1 - intense sexual attraction.  Sex all the time. 'cyber sex'. videos.  First sexual relationship and what I base most of my other encounters around.
  3. Cop #2 - anal sex hurts way too much to be enjoyed without lube.
  4. SI - simultaneous self masturbation. toy.  sex multiple times a day.  squirting. living with someone.  love. heartache. signs of cheating
  5. Greasy - I don't like sex when it is suffocating. I need to breathe.
  6. Bank Boy - some men won't stop until your needs are was a strange feeling to have someone so attentive
  7. Doofy - rough.  big penis isn't necessarily a good thing.
  8. HSK - how amazing a small penis could be.  Orgasm during sex.
  9. ManFriend - slow passionate (without the passion) sex.
Without all these completely different experiences I wouldn't know how to change things up a little.  Sex is truly so different with different people but there is no reason why you can't take what you learned one place and tried it with someone else.  It also helps you realize what you like and what you don't. I am thankful for all these experiences so far, and I look forward for more to come.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

My sex list

Sometimes I scare myself.  In my head I am wholesome and naive. But I've done some very questionable things...and I want to do more. I need a little corruption.

Is it bad that I wanted to add to my bucket list something like - sleep with a married man? or have sex with someone older?  Granted I accomplished both, but I didn't add them to my published list because my family reads this...and what would they think of me?  I don't care if you think I am crazy or skanky...but them I did care a little bit...until now.

I am left to making a sex list of things to try.  But I need your help.  Surprisingly when I googled Sexual Bucket List I actually had more things crossed off than I thought I would; thanks numbers 1-9.

Other things on my list will be:
  • have a true one night stand with a stranger
  • role play (I have 3/4 of an outfit)
  • have sex in a public place
  • have sex in a car
  • have sex with two men within hours of each other (I think my closest has been 24 hours)
  • anal beads? or plug?
  • have an orgasm in 5 minutes or less with sex alone
  • have my hair pulled during sex
  • have lingerie ripped because of the sexual intensity
  • have sex on a balcony at night
  • have sex standing up
  • have sex with most of my clothes on
  • have extremely quiet sex
  • have sex in an 'advanced' position
  • have sex at work (I may have done this...does it count if it was his work?)
  • buy sexy/stripper shoes and have sex wearing them
  • have erotic pictures taken of me
What am I missing?

Friday, February 10, 2012

The school girl

So many guys fantasize about the school girl in their plaid skirt and white top with knee socks uniform. Only a few weeks into talking to a new guy, did he ask me to dress up for him.  Unfortunately I had to disappoint him, I mean, I am kind of wholesome and I don't stock those kinds of clothes in my closet.  Wouldn't he be more worried if I did and had some variety?  Catholic? Private School? etc.

On my day off today, I made some extra stops in my errand running to find such clothes.  I tried Joyce Leslie.  Wow, they had quite a selection of skanky clothes, but not the kind of skirts I have in my mind.  I did pick up a tight white button up and several knee socks.  Then off to Marshalls...but no skirts of any kind.

I don't want to spend a fortune, and I have no idea where to go to find this.  Suggestions?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Dating an older person

Back in the day it was commonplace for the man in a relationship to be quite older than the woman - think of all the princes and kings who sought a very young and beautiful brides and all the old rich men that sought out their future young wives.  Sometimes I read these historical fiction books and am somewhat disgusted that a 30 year old man is with a 15 year old woman.  Is it the 15 year old age difference that bothers me or is it that the woman are just generally very young?

Age differences when we are younger seems like a bigger deal.  I couldn't have imagined dating someone more than 3 years older than me when I was in high school or more than 5 years older than me when I was in my 20s.   After the breakup with SI one of my sisters who is ten years older than me could have set me up with her friends but I declined thinking he was too old.  I turned down a few older fellas because being 27 with a 40 year old seemed too much for me...where was my 35 year old man?  As we get older, I think a ten year difference is acceptable, but what about 15 or 20? What do you think of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones? The former Demi & Ashton? Is their age difference workable or are they just too different because they want different things because they are at different points in their lives? I know they are not the best examples since they are all rich and that makes life a little easier to get through.

Yet I have been exposed to some age differences from my great aunts and least a ten year difference and I wondered as a, when he was 10 she was just born and then I have some really gross thoughts.  Now however, I am in my thirties and my age range to date someone has expanded.  I am currently 32 and I am willing to date someone between 30 and 42.  [There is that magical 10 year age difference again]  While I was still hesitant to date someone at the top of my age range, I figured better be older than younger right? I don't want someone immature and I want someone with life experience and that can help show me the way.

Now, here I am sort of dating someone who is 42 1/2 and I do get a little freaked out. First, he was 10 (in grade 5th grade) when I was born.  He had sex for the first time when I was only 7, graduated college when I was only in the 6th grade.  He has ten extra years of life experience...that is a lot more relationships, traveling, experimenting, working, etc.  If I were to have children with an older man - will he be able to keep up? See his children graduate from college? Will I have to take care of him when he can't take care of himself anymore?  He will be ready for retirement when I would still have to work [although my dream is to be a stay at home wife/mother] and more than likely will die before me leaving me alone yet again.

Is this something I can really handle? I am not saying specific to this particular person because who knows about that...but age differences in general.  What are your thoughts?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Night Clubs aren't my friend

I went to my first night club, I even got my hand stamped.  I didn't really plan for it, but it was a friend's birthday and my sister wanted to escape her family and indulge in an adult beverage.  I head up her way still wearing my jeans and a thin sweater to be her driver.  We get there 'early' at 10:30pm - was no cover charge.  The place started filling up quickly. 

Next thing I know the lights are so dim I can barely see and the music, if you can even call those noises without words or repeating words over and over music, was really loud.  The lights were flashing and spinning.

I look around me at the other people. I was surprised to see such a mix of ages but then I looked at what the women were wearing and I realized that there really is use for those left over bridesmaids dresses, fishnet stockings and when did the mini skirt come back?  One girls skirt was so small she went up one step and I saw her panties...thank goodness she had something on underneath.  I felt very out of place, and some people were looking at me because Oh My Goodness I was wearing jeans and not showing boob; it was like I was from Mars. 

I go to the restroom and right away I notice at all 8 sinks, there were 8 women lined up at each sink/mirror in their tight little skirts applying lipstick and fixing their hair.  I felt like I was watching strippers get ready before their show.

All I kept thinking was does that really work?  Does dressing in the tight small clothes actually get men to talk to you?  What if the place was flooded with the same type of do men choose between them?  I understand that I am not the skanky type, and I could never imagine dressing like that to find a man to have a one night stand with...because there would be no way I could imagine meeting a man to start a relationship with at a place like that.

After being there for two hours my sister & I were ready to leave - actually I was ready to leave after 20 minutes but of course we weren't there for us.  As we were saying our goodbyes, I realized how hot I was and how much water I drank.  I wondered if that is why all the women had such little clothing on.

I am satisfied being a homebody and hanging out at the local neighborhood bar.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Love lessons from Ernest Hemingway

I just finished The Paris Wife by Paula McLain.  As I neared the end of this historical fiction book about Ernest Hemingway and Hadley Richardson, I found it hit so close to home.

If you wanted to read this book and don't know about Ernest Hemingway, then stop reading because I am going to reveal the jist of the book.

Essentially Ernest married Hadley, who was about 7 years older than him. They fall in love and get married. They move to Paris and start a wonderful life of sex, drinking, traveling and some writing. People think they are the perfect couple, and from the wife's point of view, it does seem wonderful. They have a child and things are still OK. On a side topic, I would like to point out that during this time, it seems wonderful - they are broke, but yet they find ways to vacation for weeks or months at a time. They have a nanny for the child and they continue to party and travel without the child. I want that. Anyway, at some point, Ernest falls in love with Hadley's very good friend and begins an affair. Of course the wife doesn't realize this for months, but after it is revealed, and she confronts him...he basically blames her. Wow, talk about hitting home, didn't SI do the same exact thing to me? What is it with men who cheat who displace the fault and blame the 'victim' because she exposed the truth.
 I copied the picture on the left for the following excerpt "His silence was as much as an admission that he was in love with her, but somehow he'd turned it all back on me so the affair wasn't the worst thing, but that I'd had the ...bad taste to mention it".  This sentence captures such an unspoken commonality between women that get cheated on, cheaters have this amazing ability to twist things around and blame the other person for their behaviors.  When I found out about SI and I confronted him and his family, it was way 'worse' that I told the truth about what he did and he could never forgive me or trust me again...but that cheating on me for 3 years was just a speckle of something that happened. What I did, he claimed was worse and unforgivable.  Reading this really hit home. 

On top of that, Ernest thinks he is allowed to have everything he wants (sound familiar SI?) and wants to establish a relationship with both women and have the mistress vacation with them and they eat their meals together, and it is just way to strange. How can a relationship like that really work out? It can't. The pain Hadley goes through because she loves Ernest and doesn't want to let go of him, what she is willing to endure, the pain she feels, to me, it is so familiar. Her eventual decision takes courage but will lead to happiness.

The next picture continues from above and basically just says the same thing "play the victim if you want, but no one's a victim here. You should have kept your goddammed mouth shut. Now it's all shot to hell." Here Ernest is telling Hadley that she is just as much to blame because now he can't have both women, and something needed to change. He couldn't think of letting his mistress go and he didn't want to give up his wife, but Hadley wasn't going to go along with the 'let's all live together and be happy' idea.   This also is familiar from my relationship with SI.  At the time of the breakup I was so devastated that I couldn't think about loosing him to someone else, I did wonder if we all could live together, just so I wouldn't be alone, but that would never have worked for me because I am jealous and I would not have liked it when he was having his 'visits' with her in the next room.  Who would be able to tolerate that? I do not know how the polygamist wives do it, I give them credit.  I don't want to share my man.

Ernest gets what he wants, but it is temporary...he ends up marring I think they said 4 times and then commits suicide. He calls Hadley many years later to talk about their time together and he finally admits that he made a mistake, that it was among the best time of his life.

So, SI wherever you are, you behaved the same way as Ernest Hemingway. I haven't found a love to replace you yet, but I will, eventually. And I really hope that your relationships are not fulfilling, that you are missing something and that you occasionally look back at what you did to me as a regret.  I hope I hear from you in the future when you are near your breaking point, and honestly and truly apologize to me. 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Invisible to men

Once in a while, I think we all need a good pick me up with areas we struggle the most with.  For me that is if I am attractive and the desire to have men talk to me and maybe if I am lucky date them and marry them.

I walk by mirrors and I always look at what I look like.  I am looking a bit more weathered and old, but for the most part, I do not think I am unattractive. It mystifies me that I am invisible to men.

Every time I work a trade show men flock to the booth to talk to my co-worker. When I go out with a single friend, men don't generally talk to us at all, but she gets way more attention than I do. When I am in line at the grocery store, the men hit on the women with children.  If I was at the library it seems that the strangers talking are older, if I go to the gas station people tend to talk to people with nicer cars, and if I go to a bar people look at me, but they don't smile or approach me, sometimes it is the blonds, sometimes it is the 'fake' girls, sometimes it is the 'party' girls.  No competition for me there, those are things I don't want to be and that isn't the kind of guy I want if they are attracted to those type of people.

For a while I really TRIED to seem more open and available, but it didn't change anything from the 'normal' more serious me.  I did my hair different, put more effort into wearing makeup regularly, wearing boots/heels, etc.  Sure I do smile, but I don't walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face. If I laugh or smile, it is genuine.

Last weekend I was talking to my booth-neighbor at a trade show; I met him at another conference.  He essentially told me I was so beautiful and that he found me more attractive than my co-worker, and that I seem more mature and confident. I thanked him, as it was nice of him and came as quite a surprise for me. But I was baffled. I told his man that I appreciated his comments and that one would think if i did in fact possess those qualities, isn't it shocking I am single with ZERO interested parties out there, that no one even approaches me let alone shows desire to talk to me over drinks?  He was shocked of course and I wondered if he thought I mentioned that because I have low self esteem because I didn't necessarily need reassurance but answers.  No, I need both.

It is really nice to hear people compliment you.  But it isn't enough. I want to be visible. I want some competition from men, I want to have a small selection to chose from so I am not left wondering if I am settling for the ONE person who actually had courage to talk to me.  Does anyone have a serum for visibility??

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

January 2012 goal rundown

Well it is February, so I have been on my 'new' lifestyle 2 full months.  It has been quite an adjustment to say the least.

As far as the money is December there was Christmas and not all of my allocations were changed properly at work.  I didn't save any money and I didn't pay off anything, but I did buy most of my holiday gifts via debit card.

In January I paid a bit more towards my credit card and my allocations were changed properly.  Unfortunately my spending habits have not disappeared and I am still buying stuff.  The great stuff I bought in January? 
  • a waterproof video/camera  $85
  • 6 more sessions for 'full bikini' laser hair removal $129
  • $16 for a new restaurant in my town
  • $49 for two people for archery lessons
  • $99 for two people to go zip lining
  • $29 for a healthy cooking class
  • $3 for 2 nook books
  • $70 worth of birthday presents for friend & her kids
  • $70 for jewelry cleaning
  • $22 for a movie
  • $130 for family cooking week
  • $300 on clothes
  • about $100+ on drinks over the weekend
  • and of course gas for the car, groceries, prescriptions, and my life coach
Clearly I have a problem.  I am hoping it is just because I have this extra comfort level now? But that is wrong...because the whole point of this is to save money and pay off my debt.

As for my living situation, it has been an adjustment. It is OK, my parents are wonderful unfortunately I am ultra moody these days one could say depressed even.  Crazy how I was on top of the world just days ago.  I have wondered a few times in the past and now again if I have slight bi-polar disorder. 

As for my love life...well, I never really thought that living with my parents would provide me the opportunity to date.  There is someone, but if I learned anything over the last two weeks is that I'll keep him around until I find someone better.

My job searching is very inconsistent. I have applied to maybe only 4 jobs in January.  Finding time to actually LOOK for jobs takes so long.  The cover letter is time consuming and sometimes I don't have that much free time.  Work is sometimes busy sometimes not, and after work goes back and forth with being around and not.  On my days off the last thing I want to do is sit in front of my computer (as you probably have noticed from my lack of posting).

So that was my January.  I'll keep you posted with my financial and 2012 goals each month.