Sometimes I wonder if I am so miserable that I have to rely on other people to help me attain happiness. In my head it makes perfect sense, but in reality I am always disappointed.
An example is when I take a day off from work, and I ask someone who I know has off, if they'd like to do something mid-day. They agree. However the night before they warn me that they now have lunch plans. Hmm, I am not happy about that, but I go along with it, I can be flexible (remember I am a great friend). So stupid me waits. I am not even sure if we are still hanging out. I don't make other plans because really what would I do and I was set on doing that. So I have a lazy day of not doing anything and then becoming sad that I have nothing to do and how I let this person screw up my day off.
What can I say, I am a little type A. I like to know what time I am meeting someone BEFORE that time arrives. I like to PLAN my day. Sure, I can be spontaneous when I am sitting around doing nothing and something comes up - I go for it, but it is different when I plan on something and the other person makes it spontaneous and a side thing if they get around to finding time.
Back to my example, so here I am thinking I am doing something during the day with this friend. I get a text at 4:00 that they just got home. I get out of work at four, that means, our plans are now evening or night, voiding the whole purpose of me asking them to hang out in the first place. After a little texting it was decided our original plans were obviously not going to work and we'd have dinner instead at 8:30pm.
8:30. What about from 4 - 8:30? That is four and a half hours. That is not quite how I wanted my day to go. In the late afternoon I came close to going to a movie but didn't thinking that lunch would have to be over soon. I know it is all my fault, because I am not supposed to wait around for other people, isn't that one of the cardinal rules? If anything that lesson was taught to me very well by SI...how I'd wait for him to get home, and he'd never show up. Thinking you have that one person you can rely on all the time, and he doesn't pull through for you...so what does that say about all these so-called 'friends' who are way less important than a live in boyfriend? If I knew the day before that I wasn't going to see this person until 8:30pm, my day would have been at least 70% different.
I know this is something I need to change about myself because it drives me crazy and has for years. I can't leave my need for doing things in other people's hands and I can't allow them to be responsible for my 'good/fun' days.
I need to make a list for my nights/weekends of things I can do by myself. Like this weekend I am thinking I know I have zero plans on Saturday...what will I do? I am tired of either doing nothing and feeling like I wasted yet another day or I am tired of people taking my time for granted, stringing me along when I could be making better use of my time.
I know you will say, "but Denise, you have a bucket list and you have goals...just work on them". Well, the problem with that dear readers, is that those are mostly 'larger' items that require money (which I don't have) and time (most of the traveling stuff I'd want to do for more than a few hours and some places I'd like to experience with other people). Sure there are a few easy things on there, but the timing might not be right...like I can host a back yard talent show whenever I wanted, but I'd like to do it with my children, which I don't yet have.
So, I know people read this aside from my 22 followers - so I ask you just to spend a few moments and write me a comment about things you do during your free time, or things you wish you had time to do. It doesn't have to be anything crazy., just things that will help me pass the time and not be so depressed that I am single and alone and miserable. Maybe I can even credit you when I meet my future husband from one of your suggestions.