Monday, August 29, 2016

not on the same page

I am so out of sync with my guy.  I really enjoy our time away on trips and even local hikes/events, but the time at home is a constant struggle.  Our communication is not easy anymore.  I guess we think differently, not just the big things, but the small ways we think and process information - and it is exhausting.  Constantly feeling like we need to defend or justify what we are saying and not trying to hurt the other person's feelings.

Unfortunately, the frequency of this is becoming more than I think I can handle, or want to deal with and that is a hard realization.  Is that what I really want? Or is this something we can work through?  Is it something we will figure out  - or is it something that will always be a struggle?

Life isn't all bad of course.  Today for instance I was having a weird feeling / off day and I don't know why.  I casually mentioned it to my man, and an hour later he shows up at my job to give me hug.  That is over 40 minutes in the car for him round trip and a 10 minute hug/talk with me.  Really sweet.  I am not sure if I felt better afterwards, but his kind gesture was very touching and it meant a lot to me.   But that changed when I got home after a late night work meeting and we started to talk about our day and work and everything else.  Just not on the same page.

And worse, I keep laughing.  Not because it is funny.  But because it is sad and uncomfortable.  I think it is crazy that we have to analyze and repeat what we say hoping the other person will see it from our point of view.   I am constantly back and can can't work.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

out loud blog

Sometimes in the car, on a walk, or even at work I start talking to myself.  I like to think of it is an out loud blog post because I never remember to actually write anything in this blog anymore, probably from lack of time.  But so much has been on my mind in the last few months.  

I guess we will call it confusion.  That happiness feeling took a back burner, I guess my mind/body was like, what is happiness? You need to feel insecure and questioning, that is your new life.  And so here we are starting to doubt my decisions.

And not just recent ones, but even me moving to Colorado.  I still think it was the best decision at the time, but the regret of quitting a good job I actually liked and taking a pay cut, yikes, was it worth it?  Moving in with a guy at 6 months (making the decision at 4 months) was probably way to fast. but then again, I am getting old.  Staying at my current job and starting to feel miserable.  Working a part time job and feeling underpaid/too high expectations.  Missing my family.

My out loud stories are good ones, but then I forget them.  I really should make it a priority to start blogging again, I think I felt better when I did it.  Getting it all off my chest.