work accomplishments, finally

I've been at my job about five and a half months.  It has been a long, fast, and overwhelming 5 months.  The office was so outdated, with way too much paper, antiquated systems, and just overall needed a huge makeover.  I still remember my first day when I wanted to cry looking around at how much work this was going to be.   How long would it take?  Would I quit before I finish some of the projects?

Finally, this past two weeks, I had my first accomplishment, our organization was approved to be included in this other organization for fundraising purposes.  They attempted to get approval a few years ago, but it was a lot of work.  It took 2 months before I was able to submit our application, and then another 3 weeks to revise it before final approval.  One huge thing off my to-do list.  Now I need to focus on getting it out there and hope that people will donate.

My second accomplishment was three months in the making, a new website.  I didn't want to tell people where I worked because they would google it and it could come up and I'd be embarrassed.  It was that bad.  The website was atrocious.  It was probably the original website.  The lady before me hated to throw anything away, and the website was no different, our events page was filled with events that took place like 8 years ago.  At one point she highlighted, in many different colors, the days and times of events.  It was such an eyesore. Instead of just fixing the pages, we decided it would be better to start fresh.  And, with everything going digital the website needed to be mobile friendly too.  Sadly, we don't have a lot of money, they didn't want to pay anyone and they just assumed I would do it even though I told them over and over again I am not a web developer.  You know how long it would take me to learn how to do that? And that would suck up so much of my time.  I was expressing my concern and a friend suggested some of those cheap drag & drop websites.  OK, sure, it isn't ideal for our organization, but I was going to make it work.  I told the relevant work people to send me their updates...but no one ever did.  There was no committee.  There was no help.  It was frustrating, but I did it.  And while it isn't the nicest most professional website, at least it is an improvement over the old website.  And it is much easier for me to update, which is important.

After creating a color scheme (that was based on my shower curtain colors), I created a new newsletter design.  The previous newsletters were standard Publisher templates and they just switched up the color themes for each edition.  I went through them and they didn't change the format for 10 years, I figured it was time.   I took the initiative and started to redo it and figured I'd send it for approval after they saw what an improvement it was instead of being wishy washy having too many opinions.  I still using publisher, but I've reorganized the layout and I told our newsletter editor that we don't need articles that take up a whole sheet of paper.  Sometimes shorter is better, or a mix. We are way late in getting the newsletter out, but once it does, it will have the same colors as the website, hopefully this will help.  Maybe no one will ever notice.

On the almost finished list is cleaning/rearranging the offices.  Our space is not ideal for us, but I have to make do with what we have right now.  This will take a while longer, but I actually feel like progress was made.  For it to get where it is at today, I had to go through about 30 boxes of papers, keep or get rid of, and then figure out how to refile.  I still have more boxes to go through, it seems never ending.  We have so much paper.  We have all these things we needed....but in paper form so I decided we are going to start scanning everything, that would free up three huge filing cabinets.   The scanning process is extremely slow, it  might take us a year...but then we'll just have to reorganize the room again.  Here are some before and afters....

File Room Before

File Room After

Bathroom Before & After

Storage Closet Before & After

My office and the other office still need work...so that those pictures will come at a later date.

So, what's still on the list?

• we have two storage cages in the basement that needs to be gone through.  There are papers that need to be filed or tossed.  Many need to be kept, but they need to be organized.   
• we have about 80 boxes of books that we are not using in our library....so those will either be tossed, donated or sold.  If they are to be sold, I will create a 'bookstore' on the new website and hopefully reach other people outside our area.  This will take longer than I'd like it to because I am relying on other people to go through all these books - and they claim they don't have a lot of free time.
• creation of policies and a policy manual...I started drafts of a few, but really the Board needs to review/approve them, that can take a long time.  More challenging...I need to do this for two organizations, not just one.
• Fundraising.  This is an area I don't have any experience in....but it is something we really need.  One step was accomplished by setting up the account that I spoke about above, but that isn't enough, we really need to get the name out there a little more.
• Quickbooks needs a bit of fixing. I started to fix line items and reclassify the chart of accounts, but it still needs a bit of work.   Our fiscal year just started, so, I'd like to get this done soon, or work on it throughout the year so it makes more sense.   Again, I have to do this for two or three organizations.
• And of course there are the smaller projects.

Gratitude List for August

My friend told me about a challenge she completed, and I thought it sounded like something I should do...think about a different thing I am grateful for each day.  I decided I wanted to make my list something relevant for that day...not just in general, so everything you read below is based on that particular day's experiences and thoughts.

In August 2013, I was grateful...

1. That I can pack for 8 days in a carry-on
2. That I can travel alone and be comfortable doing so
3. For fresh air and learning how to relax
4. For my health, allowing me to spend time in ways I enjoy
5. To having great friends, even though I don’t see them often
6. Having time, a little money, and the desire to travel
7. Experiencing new things, some of which I enjoy and others that I don’t
8. That I still do some things alone, and making use of time instead of pouting (although this isn’t
an all the time thing)
9. To have met a fantastic guy that gives me hope that I may not end up alone if there are still
people like him out there
10. For sex in the morning to start the day off right
11. For beautiful weather that makes me feel alive
12. To be blessed with having some amazing family friends
13. To have alone time
14. To be blessed with amazing sisters and a more amazing mother
15. That my boss appreciates me and/or my work
16. That my reading comprehension and spelling have improved
17. That I am fitting into some clothes that I haven’t worn in a while
18. That I am being financially more responsible and resisting urges to spend even more money
19.  A good night's sleep
20.  Commuting by train instead of a long commute by car
21.  For the ability to watch TV on demand when you want it
22.  That I don't live in an area that rains a lot
23.  For email and text messages that allow you to converse and learn about people so far away
24.  To have connections in the towing/car fix area
25.  For dustpans, so I don't have to touch a dead bug
26.  For wax...amazing how a little wax on your eyebrows can clean them and transform your whole face
27.  For leftovers...so I don't have to cook when I am tired and/or so hot
28.  For not commuting an hour by car each way, every workday
29.  For not bitten nails, so I can scratch my body and my scalp.  Feels so good.
30.  For a three day weekend so I can recharge
31.  For living near a body of water so I can kayak, swim, boat, fish, lounge, view and otherwise enjoy the water.

the secret to my happiness

My mother keeps telling me how happy I seem in the last month or two.  She said I got my spark back.

At first I thought this was because ManFriend is out of my life; and while that did play a small part of my happiness, it wasn't the only reason.

This might not come as a shock to you, but vitamin D is important to our bodies.  It is responsible for maintaining normal blood levels of calcium and phosphorous, calcium absorption, modulation of cell growth, reduction of inflammation, protection from high blood pressure and cancer.

Vitamin D is found in cod liver oil, egg yolk, milk, fatty fish, cheese, liver, oysters, caviar, tofu, soy milk, salami, sausage, ham,  mushrooms and of course the sun's rays.

Most of the population has a vitamin D deficiency because we are mostly inside - we go from our homes to cars/transportation to work, back again and our diets aren't as good as they once were.  The normal level of vitamin D in adult women should be 30 - 100 ng/mL.  Last year, my blood test came back with a 7 ng/mL.

Tests: (1) Vitamin D25-OH,Total (VitD)
  1Vit D 25 Total      [L]  7 ng/mL                     30-100

My doctor didn't tell me to do anything about this and I had other issues with him, so this past year I changed doctors.  If I change doctors, it is mandatory to get a physical, so I did; my vitamin D was still low, but higher than the last two years, at 18 ng/mL. The first thing my new doctor did was give me a super high dose of vitamin D; she said my 7 was the lowest number she's ever seen/heard of.  For 12 weeks, I had to take one pill of 50,000 ng/mL a week.  It worked, my most recent blood test came back normal.

Tests: (2) Vitamin D25-OH Total (VitD)
  1Vit D 25 Total           42 ng/mL                    30-100

It isn't a coincidence that my happiness is back and my vitamin D levels are normal.  I've had 'seasonal depression' (seasonal affective disorder) for as long as I could remember. I love the spring, summer and beginning of the fall.  Once the winter comes and it gets dark and dreary, I hibernate and I am sad, grumpy, unmotivated, sluggish, depressed and have minimal energy.  It isn't in my head either, with my life coach, I've tracked my moods over the last 3-4 years.

Light therapy is one of the ways to treat seasonal affective disorder, but why use artificial light? I mean, I guess it is just because we don't get enough natural light in the winter...but why not just increase vitamin D?

It was like when I was a migraine sufferer, you get so used to having it, that is becomes part of you.  Then when you 'fix' your issues, and you get it again, you realize how debilitating it is and wonder how you dealt with it or 10+ years.  This is the same for my vitamin D deficiency, I am not sure how long exactly I've been deficient, it wasn't tested more than 4 years ago, but for the last 4 years I've been quite below the 'normal' level.

I am not saying that lack of sun is the only reason I was depressed, but I think it says a lot that my vitamin D level is now normal and I am happier.  I feel great right now and I am even sleeping better.

I will be sure to get vitamin D tested about every 6 months for a while until I know I am OK, because odds are that my levels will go back down because I am no longer on the supplement, I don't eat a lot of egg yolk, cheese or fatty fish because I am trying to loose weight (and I won't eat mushrooms or liver, and I have a hard time digesting lactose so I very rarely have milk) and I don't get enough sun (but yet now that I am older...I don't want a lot of sun either: burns, wrinkles and risk of skin cancer) and I also have a liver thing going on right now, so the odds are low they'll stay this high.

So, that's it.  I think my happiness is directly correlated to the vitamin D.  I am less moody, more motivated and when I have energy I WANT to do more...and I ACT on doing more.  I've made things happen.  If this is a 'normal' life...then I am in good shape because I have a lot more happiness planned for me.  I can only imagine the cloud I'll be floating on when I have that special man in my life to enhance my life even more,  maybe kids to share it with, and a fantastic family and good group of friends.  It makes me smile.

beauty and brains

The last two months when ManFriend lived here, we went to the local bar for trivia night.  You didn't win much....a pitcher of beer or an appetizer for the bonus questions or a round of drinks for the final win...but it was fun.  We had a good balance, he was great with the art, music, history and sports and I was good with the common miscellaneous information, science, children's literature, math and some geography.  But we always came in second place....and he would get mad...and so it became a challenge and we kept going so we can win.  Even when he moved away, he said he wanted to go back (with me) so we can win - of course that didn't happen.

Well, tonight after a wake, I asked two of my girlfriends if they'd want to go to trivia night, lift our spirits...and they did.  And we WON (total we won 2 appetizers and a round of drinks - but we only used one of those)  The last round was tough and we knew we lost our lead but we won by one point...but we did it.  We all knew many of the questions, and I have to say we all chipped in and knew answers the others didn't (out of 50 questions I think we got about 39-43 of them correct).  I can't tell you how happy I was.  I wanted to text ManFriend and be like 'you might have had sex or are in a relationship...but the first time playing bar trivia without you I won...THAT is an accomplishment!'. And I know would have pissed him off because he tried so hard and he was always dwelling on the few questions that we got wrong...would talk about it for days or until the next time we went.  Of course I didn't text him because we aren't on speaking terms...which is why I had to rush home and tell you, my readers.

A little 'revenge' that he will never know about, but that is OK, I know and I am thrilled.

all better

I am feeling a lot better.  The 'stress' of my worries isn't as strong as it was for the last week or two.  I am also questioning my lack of period for being even more emotional than I should be...it's like my body is building up all this emotion and without my period, it is having a hard time releasing it...and then it does and my head is more clear.

A bit of that 'stress' had to do with relationships - friends, men, coworkers, family, etc.  I read my June monthly astrology predictions and it said:

When Jupiter leaves your friendship sector and moves into Cancer on June 25, 2013, you will begin your yearlong preparation for the day Jupiter will enter Leo, July 16, 2014. That moment next year will herald one of the very best years of your life and even better than the one that spanned July 2001-July 2002 when this planet of good fortune last came to Leo. Because Jupiter can only visit Leo every twelve years, this coming visit will be worth all the preparation you can muster. For now, you will begin a process of elimination, clearing out outworn parts of your life. Let go of obligations you no longer feel are worthy of your time, and relationships that have run their course, whether in business or friendship, or regarding a person you've been dating. Add new goals that reflect your evolving maturity, too. You are starting a wonderful new chapter of life, dear Leo.  (from Susan Miller)

What perfect timing...or fate!  So, yes, I know I need to work on eliminating outworn parts of my life.  The disappearance of ManFriend will open me up to meeting my fh and making me happy.  Reducing the friends that aren't there for me, will make me less stressed.

I like to think these past two weeks made me more aware and reinforced things I knew, but put on the back burner.  I have some goals that my life coach suggested that I plan on working on - which only reinforces my maturity.

I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life.  This is the one I've been patiently waiting for for seven years...it is time.  I will be happy.

And FYI - the last time Jupiter was in Leo, I met SI.  So maybe this coming year is when I'll meet the next person I love (well, i hope it isn't July 2014, I want it to be in 2013).

The universe was proud of me

Saturday night I cried a bit...not so much because the relationship with ManFriend ended, but because with that, our friendship ended.  At a time in my life where I have such few friends, he was a constant that I began to rely on to talk abut all the stupid stuff.

Before bed, I did the prayer to St. Ann and had my white candle lit, and once my tears flow, it is hard to stop, so I cried during part of this prayer.

Sunday turned out to be surprisingly great, and I can only believe that the universe is proud of me.  While I wasn't the only one what wanted the breakup, it was mutual, I've thought about it for so long.  And I was rewarded for it, which serves as reassurance that everything will be great.

Sunday started like any other.  I woke up around 6, did the treadmill for 40 minutes, showered, straightened up, made my to-do list, tried on some clothes, and once 9:40 came around, I began my errands of returning things from various stores because one the bills came in, I realized I couldn't keep everything I bought.  I also received notification that Downton Abby season 2 was ready for me to pick up...when I checked on Friday I was still number 200something.  Unfortunately I had 40 minutes to kill before the library opened so I stopped by my sister's house.  While there my phone rang and it turns out I won a 50-50 raffle that my mother ended me in at our church. I won $673.  When I returned home, I started making some egg muffins for the week and the doorbell rang and my roof rack and kayak rack were delivered! I wasn't expecting to receive that until next week...too bad it is raining and will continue to for the next several days.

So all these little things really helped boost my spirits and gave me confidence that things are starting to turn up for me.  And if this is the case, then that means I am meeting a wonderful man in the next few months.  And I have a very busy rest of the year between work trips, a personal trip, kayaking, an examination

GO AWAY

Are you kidding me?  I log into my LinkedIn account - not that I really use it, but people tell me I need to have one. So I go in there occasionally and just accept invitations.  Just now I log in and look at the people who've viewed me....and guess who viewed my profile sometime in the last 15 days - THE MISTRESS...SI's mistress.  Why is she checking up on me? To find out if my last name changed? To see where I work (does that even show up for a non-connection)?  Isn't it bad enough when I get a call from her (old?) area code - that my stomach drops and my blood pressure increases?

Well, Mistress, I might complain a bit, and I know I am underpaid...but I am doing well professionally, I am on the right path; I have gained a tremendous amount of respect and value at work this past year.  And whether I stay there or move to another place...I don't know, but I know the next step will be higher and even more rewarding.  Oh and guess what - I have a work trip coming up in Brazil.

Looking back, I feel silly we fought over the same man.  I should have let you have him that night I found out about you, but I was blinded by love.  And because of that I lost years of my life- something I'll never get back, and for what?  A man that didn't even love me?  Did he even love you if he kept me around? Those years I should have spent looking for a new job, a new place to live, to relocate, to find a new man and have a baby, to make friends...all things I put off because I didn't know where my life was heading, thinking I'd end up with SI.  My 20s being the worst years of my life...aren't they supposed to be the best?

And here I am....getting to the age you were when this all went down - I can understand why you didn't want to let go either - the things I worry about now, you did then.   Just be thankful you and SI did a lot more 'fun' things than he & I did and that he didn't ruin your 'fun and important' 20s - the time you are supposed to figure out how to be an adult.

Do I still think about that time? Of course - there were many qualities of SI that I adored and haven't found in other men that I see as a requirement and I occasionally wonder what would have happened if the cheating thing didn't happen - would we still be together? Would I have had a child? What kind of job would I have had?  A relationship where we can't stand each other but are still together? I think those are all very common curiosities with anyone - I've thought that way of other men as well.  Women, we like to think of the what ifs - doesn't mean we aren't over it - and whose to say it is all thought about in a positive way, I think negative things too.

So, I haven't been lucky in love since him...but I'd like to think it is around the corner...something to make up for all that horribleness that I didn't even deserve.

I have a fabulous family, I own property, have zero credit card debt, a handful of good friends and like I said I enjoy my job.  Overall, I am doing OK, and it can only get better.  So it took me forever to move on and get over it...but I eventually did.

30 things to do and not do for yourself

I came across these two articles and I just had to share them.  I see a life coach once a month to work on my goals, and I really enjoy it.  However I feel like I have been on a standstill forever.  I want change but I have not done anything to get there.  When I read the article it helped remind me of the much needed change I am craving and other reminders about living a better life.

The first article is 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.  I am just going to highlight some of his 'things' and how it relates to me.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. - This is actually part of my 30 goals for my 30s.  Get rid of toxic relationships.  The wrong people bring you down and add un-needed stress.
2. Stop running from your problems. – That is all I have been doing for the last 5 years.  The good thing is I am not in denial anymore. Now is the time to start fixing them.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – Again, I pretend to be in denial, I hope things will get better...but until I stop lying to myself, I won't be happy.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – I don't have a family of my own yet, so I know this isn't out of control, but I do have instances where I put others above me and I need to remember that I deserve to be happy and fulfilled too. 
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – I am happy to report I think I have this under control :)
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.  I was finally able to let go of my past with SI and I really hope that soon things will start falling into place.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. –  I am very scared of leaping into what I want to do for fear it is the wrong choice, or that it won't work out.  I have to just trust my gut and hope that it does...and what is the worst thing that will happen if it doesn't? I'll figure it out. 
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – Yes, I hold on to things I've done wrong...I want to learn from them so maybe I won't make them again, but instead I tend to beat myself up over them. 
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – I think my credit card company will attest that I spend more than I should.  The good news is that this was my goal for this year. 
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – Funny, I just posted about this.  I do look to others for happiness since I am having trouble finding it on my own.  However, I know logically that I am responsible for my own happiness.  The author of the article tells us that we have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else - I need stability, I haven't had that in years.
11. Stop being idle. – I over think. It is what I do because I have way too much free time.  I also can't get to where I want to be if I only dream about it and not take action.  I need to work on this quick!
12.  Stop thinking you’re not ready. –  More reiteration here.  I am not ready for the changes I want, but I am not happy with where I am.  I have to take that leap out of my comfort zone.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – I think I am mostly OK here, see I was too scared to jump into a relationship after SI, so I haven't. Not one in the last 5+ years.  It is sad, but I know I needed time to heal, and I did.  I am probably going to be very hesitant with any new relationship because I will NEVER go through something so horrible again.  It isn't worth it.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – I am guilty of this.  I don't let guys get to far; I rule them out too soon.  
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Not regularly, but on occasion I look at someone and want what they have. I am certainly not trying to compete with them. 
16. Stop being jealous of others. – I do get jealous of what other people have.  My 'friends' who are married, have children, travel a lot, etc.  I wonder how they got so lucky to succeed in all the areas I fail at.  But once in a while, I try to think of what they think of me...I am the non-attached one. I am getting sleep at night and not fighting with a husband or dealing with contractors.  I am more 'carefree' in their eyes.  And while I don't think it is anything to be jealous of, they do.  The grass is always greener on the other side right?
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – I need to do this.  I do feel sorry for myself and my life is being wasted.  I need to remember that things happen for a reason and someday I will look back and laugh.  
18. Stop holding grudges. – This is important and I want to say that I tackled this last year.  Once I forgave SI, I was able to be a little happier.  I met up with an old friend and we had a small pointless talk, but I did it. I accepted her invitation instead of holding my grudge out.  It didn't affect anything, but it made me less stressful.  I wrote two blogs on forgiveness - it really is so important.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – I need to refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.  I tend to do this at work, and it really bothers me.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – This is something I have really started to hate in the last few years, why should I have to explain myself?  So I don't say anything to anyone. 
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – good advice.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – My life coach and I tried to focus on this last year, I can't say I've mastered it yet.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – I gave up on perfect 5+ years ago.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. –  All I have been doing for the last 5 years is taking the easy way out and doing what I am comfortable with...I need to change that.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – On the outside sometimes I appear more put together than I am.  Inside and with those that know me very well, it is obvious I am not OK.  I cry a bit still, I am a little moody, and quiet.  It is what it is.  I'll be happy eventually, maybe. 
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – I need to take responsibility for my life.  I used to blame people, but I realized they were there for me to learn from.  Sure because of them my life didn't go as I had hoped, but I am the one that needs to fix it.  I can't rely on other people and I can't expect the person who wronged me to even know how badly they hurt me.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – good advice. I don't seem to have a problem in this area yet. I like to help people when I can.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worrying runs in my family.  I hope I don't become a worrier.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – I am a bit of a pessimist. I think about the wrong side of things.  For instance, moving...I am more consumed with location, meeting people, job, salary, missing my family, etc.  I don't focus on how wonderful it might be.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – Even though I am miserable, I know I have it better than other people. 

And then he followed up that blog post with 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself which is a more positive spin on life, but a bit repetitive from the list above.  Again, I'll list the 30 things and relate them to me.

1. Start spending time with the right people. – I need to find the right people first, but I will cherish them once I have them.
2. Start facing your problems head on. – Time to stop procrastinating. 
3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – I can't improve my life if I am lying with what would make me happy.
4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – I got a life coach, I know I need to do this. I am not doing enough, but I am working on it.
5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – On my goals for my 30s.  To accept myself for who I am.
6. Start noticing and living in the present. – All I think about is how I am wasting my life.  I am looking towards the future when I might be happy and I am missing out on the right now.  
7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – It is hard to value the lessons until they are not fresh anymore.
8. Start being more polite to yourself.
9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – I find this hard, I am miserable with so many aspects of my life, that I can't enjoy what I have.  
10. Start creating your own happiness. – This I find to be extraordinarily hard.  How do I find happiness?  I usually think that once I have the life I want (husband, child/ren, etc) that I will be happy, but I can't rely on them for that.  I don't know how to achieve this, goodness knows I've been working on it for two years. 
11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – It's about taking a chance...I know this needs to be done, I've been pushing it away for too long.  I took my first gamble end of last year with renting my apartment...but now it is time for the next one.
12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – I haven't been doing this.  But I need to take Thomas the Tank Engine's advice, 'I think I can, I think I can'. 
13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. –
14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – I am trying. I am.
15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Oh the 22 year old me was pretty awesome.  I had a lot of things going for me, but I lost my way.  I need to get back to that state of mind where I can get anything I want and go after it.
16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – I do this all the time. 
17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – Lately I have been trying to find the reason behind bad things.
18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – Again, very very important.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
19. Start helping those around you. – Way too much, in my opinion.
20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – Eh, I am not sure if I trust myself, which is why I haven't made changes.
21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – 
22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Yes small things are good for overall happiness.
23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. –  I am definitely not as type A about certain things anymore. I've learned to take things with a grain of salt and deal with it.
24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – My goals are big and I can't work on it everyday (which is why I haven't made progress), but I need to take smaller steps at a time and tackle it little by litte.  
25. Start being more open about how you feel. – It is hard to talk about sadness with other people.
26. Start taking full accountability for your own life.
27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. 
28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – 
29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – Think positive.  
30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. 

So that is how those things relate to me.  When you read the article or the synopsis above, was your mind turning and realizing things that you need to do also?

I hope to check out Marc's blog.  I do not know him, but after stumbling upon it with these articles, I read a few more and there is some great advice out there about bettering ourselves. I hope you find it a little helpful.

My top five pictures

A few blog friends have done this and I also wanted to take the "challenge", which is to post my favorite 5 pictures and then tell you 5 things about myself.

Tent Rocks, New Mexico 2007

I went to New Mexico for a work trip and took a few extra days off to do my own thing. After a lot of research, I found a few places I wanted to go. Kasha-Katuwe was not a very common place online - in fact, my ENT told me he went there and he highly recommended it. I am so glad I went there. The trip was important for me since it was my first time doing things for me and learning about me, as an adult. At Kasha-Katuwe Tent Rocks National Monument I exerted myself physically and it felt amazing. The hiking to the top was a challenge and I was so proud of myself making it.

Beijing China, March 2005

At our hotel we had this amazing garden. It was breathtakingly beautiful with the architecture, water and bridges. I woke up early one morning before our class event to take a peak. I was a traditional New Yorker minding my own business taking in the beauty and thinking how lucky I was that I was able to experience that, until the relentless Chinese kept asking me to dress up. I kept saying no, but then I thought - why not? When would I ever get to do something like this? I couldn't convert the currency in my head and have no idea how expensive this was...especially because they changed my outfit half way through. But I am so glad I did it, something so different.

Death Valley CA, February 2007

I needed to get away for a little bit after SI and I broke up.  I was a walking zombie so I took a trip out west to explore Death Valley and the Grand Canyon.  I was amazed by the natural beauty of Death Valley. It was so remote, so desolate.  I really thought about things and asked SI to come out there and marry me in Vegas.  Of course he did not.  But the trip helped me.  I am not sure how exactly since I didn't find peace, I didn't marry him, nor did I get over him.  But it afforded me a great place to cry in peace and helped me learn how to travel alone.  Every time I see this picture I am reminded that the world is huge and I have only seen a teeny part of it.  There is so much out there and I know that when I need to think and time to myself, I know that I can find solace in going away and exploring new areas.

Shooting Range, Long Island NY, July 4, 2005

SI and four of his friends took me to the shooting range.  I LOVED it.  What an experience.  I shot so many different kinds of guns, including an AK47, a few other rifles, a hand gun, a revolver, and this HUGE heavy gangster like gun.  It was exhilarating being out there and shooting the target.  I hit my target quite a few times at the farthest distance.  I kept the target and a few shells and put in in my scrapbook (which I gave up custody of when I moved out).  I was proud of myself for doing so well even though I knew I would since I assumed I would go into law enforcement at some point in time.  

 

Hamptons NY,  Summer 2006

I have three wonderful sisters and four almost sisters.  These extension of my family was the family that lived next store.  Our family is older, but we all get along so well.  One day at the beach, we decided to have a little fun and attempted a pyramid.  It was such a fantastic day. I am so grateful that I have so many ladies that I can talk to about anything. The parents are awesome too.  I can't believe I have known them for nineteen years. It has been amazing watching all of us grow.

5 Things About ME:

1. I gave up drinking for 6 years after I went out on a Friday, kissed three guys at a bar thinking it was the same guy (it wasn’t)...and was still hung over on Monday and called in sick to work. (2001 - 2007)

2. I have a huge fear of bugs, I can not kill them, so I cover them up with cups and wait around for someone to come over to flush them.

3. I have wanted to get laser eye surgery since HS when one of my teachers had it done, and when my vision finally evened out, and after I saved up for it...I found out I wasn't eligible. :( contacts & glasses for life woo-whoo. Hopefully technology will keep advancing so I may still have hope.

4. I have NEVER smoked a cigarette or have done any drugs.

5. I hate sneezes & snot.

Is happiness overrated?

Source

Lately HAPPINESS has consumed my thoughts.  It could be because I have not been truly happy in five years.  And I wonder, as I am frowned down upon by family and society, if being happy is really 'normal'.  Everyone says I need to be happy...but do I?

We all know that people aren't as they seem.  Behind closed doors people who look happy might be miserable.  So why should I have to constantly put up a front to hide my feelings?   Is it to make other people feel better?  Is it because my mood effects so many others?  Don't get me wrong, I loved how I felt when I was happy.  I hope that I could be again.  Being unhappy is utterly miserable, but it is easier said than done to reverse that feeling.  At times I would rather just give up and move away to start over than to actually deal with it.  I know that is cowardly, but stewing in depression isn't helping either.  Something needs to change, and I think it would be easier to walk away then to fix it.

I have not tried anti-depressants yet, but using chemical substances to make you less un-happy seems like it somewhat defeats the purpose as well.  Even on anti-depressants, is one happy?  I was so against taking medication four years ago that I refused to agree to it.  I figured I had to work my way out by myself and not be dependant on a drug, and I hoped that in the long run, it would work so well that I would be fixed permanently.  Four years later my depression spell seems to be worse than it has been in three years and I wonder if I made the wrong choice - that I should have tried those happy pills and have been done with it.  The side effects can't be much worse than living in a fog, crying every other day, withdrawn feelings, un-motivation and of course lack of sex drive (also side effect from med).

Getting yourself out of a depression is hard.  You know it is there.  And you know you don't like it.  But you don't want to do anything to fix it.  You even know you deserve to be happy - but it seems like such a far fetched concept.

If you have been in similar situation, what has worked for you?