someone I used to know

I've been needing a sign, or rather, I need to figure out how to identify and interpret the signs.  I feel so confused, more so this month than in the last 4 months.  A friend gave me this stone to rub for clarification.   I tried it; I thought about the areas I want clarification in while gently rubbing the stone, then I put it down on got on with my to-do.

Someone LinkedIn requested me, so I go on to accept that, and under People You May Know is SI.  This is within 2 minutes of rubbing the stone.  I haven't thought about SI in any kind of way in ages.  I miss that period of my life when I had a somewhat reliable person to have feelings for and thought I had a future involved with a man...but other than that....nothing.  Was this a sign?  And if so, what the fuck does it mean???  It's bad enough his mistress and best friend occasionally view me and he popped into my feed one day 2 years ago, but I had his email blocked, he shouldn't appear on my screen.  Hmm, maybe he has a different email.

I stared at his picture for probably 4 minutes.  Thoughts came to me.

I clearly remember a conversation he had with me about 3 years into our relationship about him feeling less attracted to me because I gained about 5-10 pounds.  He told me I needed to take care of myself and go to the gym.  I ended up buying a treadmill and spent a bit of time on that...but of course it wasn't enough.  Mind you at the time he gained probably the same amount of weight but that was fine with him.

As I stare at his picture, I can't help but think of what time does.  I haven't seen him in person since 2010 and just those two times his photo appeared in my email/linkedin.   He looks a good 50 pounds heavier than he did ten years ago.  Add 5-10 years too because of all the facial hair.  If I didn't know who he was and he approached me...I highly doubt I would have been interested, as desperate as I think I might be...I am not.   But that tiny smile, it might have eventually got me again and he somewhat resembles my father with that full beard and they say you go for people who look like your parents/siblings.   It's a fine look, but when you know what someone looked like, it is a bit drastic.

I'm not saying I look as good now as I did ten

2001 or 2002 (few months in).  2006 (end of relationship).  2015

years ago.  It is clear I am aging and gained weight.  I have grey hair, bags under my eyes and a huge crease under my cheek that is evident when I smile.  In all my 'professional' pictures l look exhausted.  Probably because they were all taken during or after a long day/conference and I have little makeup left and can't fake a good smile.  Maybe I should look into a portrait studio or something cause I don't want to be seen by people who haven't seen me in years to look old and weathered.

Does attraction lesson when you haven't seen someone?  When I see a picture of Cop#1, I am still so attracted to him, if I stare long enough, I might get a little wet.  He sees me the same way.  That kind of attraction is incredible. I had it with ManFriend too, but with him it wasn't just the attraction, it was more of a magnetic pull.  I felt nothing looking at SI, but maybe it also has something to do with me not being attracted to him when we first met over 13 years ago but he grew on me the longer we were together and I soon found him cute.  If I ended up with SI, would he look how he does now? Would he have taken into consideration what I find attractive with his style?  It doesn't matter because the reality is if we were still together, I'd love him no matter what he looked like because of love, the emotional connection and well, just because it is who I chose to be with.

I was very happy to see he is doing well salary-wise, making a salary 2-4 times what I make (not counting the benefits, bonuses and all those extras that I don't get) based on his title and place of employment.  I am not surprised; when we were together he was doing well, but then I guess you'd have to be if you were in two relationship and had all those expenses of dates and guilt gifts.  Did he look happy?  I don't know, it was hard to tell, but I am sure he's met most of his goals both professionally and personally.

The good thing is when I look at his picture, I feel nothing.  And if that is who I am associating my past with...it is easier to not feel than think about what I am missing out on.  If he looked more-or-less the same as when we were together, maybe I would have wondered.  But at this point, it was so long ago and the damage was too devastating to even want to think of what might have been.  He is just someone I used to know.  Talk about progress and how far I've come.  So, really, what does he have to do with my seeking clarification in my life???

If he is out there and going through a hard time, I wish him well. If he was diagnosed with some terminal disease...karma's a bitch and I hope he thinks about what he did to me and the lasting effects/damage on my life.  But that would also mean the death of 3 of 4 special men in my life (preceded by Kevin & ManFriend) what would be the odds of that?  So, SI wherever you are....you've consumed my energy for the last few days...I hope that you received all that energy/focus and used it however you needed.

fractured toe

It was Labor Day weekend.  I just got home from Colorado Springs and had about an hour before my fantasy football draft.  I needed to eat and do some last minute research.  I run up to my bedroom grab my laptop, mouse and notebook and head down stairs.

Two steps before the stair's bend, I fall.  Everything was in my right arm so I was able to grab the railing with my left and pulled hard on that to lessen the fall.  I bend my toes / feet because the bend wasn't too wide and I didn't want to smack my head on the wall.  It is amazing in those split seconds you can actually make some decisions.  When I landed I wanted to scream...but I realized no one was home...does screaming only happen when other people are around to rush over to you?  I start saying over and over "ouch, ouch, ouch"  Bent funny on the stairs, I realize my large toe on my right foot jammed into the backside of the stairs.

Slowly I get up. I sit on the stairs to access the damage.  Phew, my laptop is in one piece.  I feel fine, except for my toe.  I wobble down the stairs, put down the electronics and access the damage.  My toe isn't moving.

I make and eat some lunch, and decide to bring everything back up stairs to my room because I am more comfortable there.  I didn't really have much time for last minute football research, but I got online early and was ready to go.

The following day, I look at my toe since it was still hurting and barely able to move.  I start to wonder if I stubbed it or that it is fractured since it was quite swollen and black and blue.

I never broke a bone before.  At one time, on my bucket list I had break a bone...but removed it because who in their right mind would want an injury?  I also don't have insurance...not that there is anything they do for a toe anyway.

Thankfully in my bathroom box I realize I packed my ice pack.  I fill it up and continue to ice my toe for 4 days.  I play with my toe, manually moving it so it gets used to bending again.  Little by little the black & blue goes away as does the swelling.

right big toe still won't bend all the way

In the mean time, I called off my plans to travel to the Western Slope because there was no way I was going to hike just days after - my foot was in so much pain in a confined shoe - thankfully wearing flip flops in early September isn't a problem.  Also, I realized driving was extremely challenging.  I guess the way my foot is on the pedals isn't ideal, using the top part of my foot and not the center...so driving was painful.  Between the shoe and driving...I ended up staying 'home' and resting for a week.

Fast forward to mid-October, and I think I fractured my toe.  It isn't distorted in shape, but there are two points where if you push down, it still hurts.  Also, if I bend my toes, that one does not bend as much as all the others, so there is still limited movement.

The good news is that my toe fits in shoes and I've hiked quite a few times this month.  For the most part hiking was fine but sometimes it would hurt especially if the trail was more rocky/not level.

I like 'em bigger

I am not thin, but I wouldn't say I am huge either.  Normal seems too broad.  But my size is something I am self conscience about because my boobs make me look much larger than I am.   Guys don't like large women...OK, so some do, but from feedback I've gotten in the last 10 years, many guys say they like small or fit women or maybe normal sized women.

Anyway, the point is, because I am not thin and tiny, I prefer men with a little bulk or bulge. I am more comfortable with a larger guy because I look smaller in comparison to him, whereas with a thin guy I look huge.  Example was MountainMan, he was tiny...his shirts didn't fit over my breasts.  I was able to lift him off the ground with ease.  If anything would have happened between us, I would have been more worried and stressed the whole time to not gain weight, which is hard at the beginning of any relationship when eating out or drinking is frequent...and he could eat.

And that is a lot of pressure, who wants pressure at the beginning of a relationship? That is the time to have fun and enjoy each other...so if that is what it takes for me...being attracted to and wanting a guy bigger than thin...well, so be it.

As you read this and shake your head in disapproval, I hope you realize that I am not the only woman that feel this way, there are lots of us out there with this mentality.

stress

Some people, while stressed, lose weight.  I am not sure if it is lack of eating, a higher metabolism or something else.  Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

When I am stressed I gain weight. Sometimes I'll indulge in cookies or ice cream, a few pieces of chocolate or maybe even something fried a few times a month.  As an indulgence, it shouldn't be enough to make me gain 5-10 pounds, it isn't like that is all I am eating.

I was doing really well last year, I was finally happy with my body.  And it lasted for months.  Then came the certification examination - I was extremely stressed and nervous for a month before hand, then waiting the 6-8 weeks for the results.  Since that was in December, my indulgence were some cookies. I wouldn't say I ate a ton of them either!  And my breakfasts and lunches have been the same thing I've been eating for the last 4 years.  My dinner are very similar as well, very basic, a protein, sometimes a side vegetable, sometimes not.

So that was November and December worried about the exam.  January and February was the loss of ManFriend and the realization that Mountain Man was a dead end.  March - June has been extremely stressful regarding the apartment.

It is so frustrating.  Every time I make it to a place I am happy with my weight, some major stressor comes up and I have to start all over again.  I'd love to be in a frame of mind with little to no stress where my body weight will be more constant.

Or maybe my weight issue isn't stress, it can very well be endocrinologic....but I haven't found a good endocrinologist yet and that would require me to go off birth control (so the doctor said).  It is definitely something to consider.

The good news is all this stress hasn't increased the white hair significantly....I still have them but it hasn't triplicated.  And my hair hasn't started thinning more...although that usually happens after the stress is over for me.

turning heads

I am a fairly modest person, I know I am not ugly but I have a hard time thinking I am good looking.  Maybe all the rejection and being single for so long is to blame.

While I love summer, the hardest thing is all the walking around wearing less clothing than in the winter.  And of course, I am getting older and I dress more conservatively than a 20 year old.  What do strangers really think of me? 

But I am happy to report that last week, I was still turning heads and men wished me a good morning.  I am not going to lie, this made me feel good.

However, I don't know if it is because I am attractive or if it is just because I have huge breasts.  

a hard habit to break

I've been biting/picking my nails since I was about 7 years old. I saw my father do it once when we were in the car and that was it for me.  So young to pick up such a horrible habit.

It has always been a part of me that I am embarrassed about.  When dating SI, he wanted me to kick the habit.  I tried that nasty tasting nail polish...but that lead to not only short gross nails but also to picked lips because the taste would end up on my lips and I couldn't stand it when I licked my lips.  Instead of one bad habit I now had two.  The nasty polish wasn't working, so SI started to file my nails, pushed back my cuticles and moisturized my hands.  It was really great to have someone else responsible for them, and for a while I actually started to do well.  I realized that while short uneven nails is disgusting, I kept doing it because I was so anal about what the longer nails should look like...and in my messed up head, it was better to have them short and gross because then it gives them chance to grow they way they should.  I know, it really probably only makes sense to me.  Having SI care for my nails for a few weeks made a great difference and I even went for a manicure.  Then, I went engagement ring shopping.  Great motivation for keeping the nails in good order.

Obviously that didn't work out and I neither did my nails.  While I would pick at my nails for no reason, stress was a major time when they would sometimes end up in my mouth.

When I was out with Mountain Man that one evening, we were talking about insecurities and I had quite a long list compared to him, and on the top of my list was my size and my nails.  He agreed nail picking/biting was disgusting.  And all I heard in my head was one of SI's reasons why he couldn't be with me...my hands. So, I tried so hard not to keep my hands too visible.

Two weeks after my return from my vacation, I realized that my finger was in my mouth when I was thinking. Shame on me.  At that point I made a conscience effort to once again try to stop biting my nails.  I took out the nail file and made them nice and smooth.  I tried to catch myself if I was about to pick...but the good thing was that with the filed nails, the picking subsided because the nails weren't uneven and nothing to pick at.  So, it has been only one week so far, but I think I am doing better now than I did ten years ago.

As you can see, they still need work.  I need to get a cuticle pusher-backer, maybe a very light nail polish, and more length.  I hope I can keep it up.  This was on my 30 goals for my 30's list....and I'd love to accomplish this.

left hand

right hand

old lady butt

I am worried that now that I am aging, that I have old lady butt.  Don't pretend you don't know what I am talking about.

I am talking about the high waist-ed pants that give woman a flat but long looking butt.

This lady was about double my age...and I know my butt doesn't look like that all the time, it looks cute in a dress and skirt...but in some of my pants, I fear this is what I look like.  Especially when my pants are a little too big my little butt gets lost in the pants.

I think work pants are harder than jeans to look good in because the fabric falls different and you don't have that 'fancy' stitching for the pocket, instead it is just a straight flap.  And I wear work pants 5 days a week.  I think this is why I like fall, spring and winter, you have a coat to cover up these body part when you are out in public.  When you are at work sitting, it doesn't matter, but having someone walk behind you? I can't help but look at woman's asses.

old lady shorts

I crossed the line to be officially be an old woman...I bought my first pair of Gloria Vanderbilt shorts that has elastic on the top sides of the shorts.  I am not going to lie...they are super comfortable!

I picked them out mostly because they looked like a shorts version of cargo pants.  They are shorts, but a  respectable shorts...meaning the inseam is about 5 inches...and that appealed to me because I want to be comfortable on my upcoming trip where I'll be hiking a bit and moving around and not showing too much.

Attractive jolt

On days you are sad or don't feel pretty, do you go out of your way to put on pretty panties, maybe a matching bra, a spray of perfume, heels? I notice I do that after a few days of being gloomy, sad or depressed.

What better time to do it then after a breakup.  I have to remember that I am fairly attractive and nice and I want to put out that good vibe and positiveness to the universe.  For the last few days I put on matching undergarments  I spent a little extra time on my makeup, my work clothes were put together a little slower and I hope that the weather cooperates with my hair.  I am not looking to get laid (I have two choices if that is all I wanted); I just want to feel better about myself and boost up that self-esteem.

And sometimes I do feel a little better, a nice, free, little jolt to feeling attractive.

A migraine ruins concert

I was super excited for a concert I bought tickets to a few months ago.

But, once the concert started I began to feel overheated...I started to sweat, I had to sit down, I fanned myself and finally had to order some water.

Am I just getting old?  Or was it the onset of some sort of illness?

I probably seemed like really lame company because I wasn't up dancing.  I was swaying a little in my seat with my eyes closed and I knew 96% of the songs so I was singing softly along.  But I didn't want to be there..The noise, the lights, the extremely hot temperature.  It was too much for me, I couldn't wait to get home.  But I wanted to be there so badly, I looked forward to it for months.  I was so disappointed in my body.

When I got home my head was pounding and I was so nauseous and I made myself fall right to sleep.  It was a migraine...bad timing!

signs I am gaining weight

Signs I am gaining weight

• my butt cheek isn't all covered in my panties
• my butt doesn't fit as it did on the toilet seat
• my back and belly are itchy from the stretching of my skin
• my heart hurts
• not only are my pants are tight, but I have over the popping over the pant 
• I think my feet are swollen
• is that multiple chins?
• I've bitten down on my cheeks - because they are fat
• my body feels sore
• I can still see my toes in the shower...but not as much of them
• my boobs are popping out of my bra
• when I lean up against ManFriend for kisses, our bellies touch and it isn't as comfortable - and I lose the moment of kissing and just keep thinking that our bellies shouldn't be touching
• when I lay on the couch with ManFriend to make out, it is uncomfortable on my chest
• when I cross my arms, they have a resting spot on my belly
• I have to use a little more foundation to cover my face
• the space between my thighs are practically touching
• my belly button is a little deeper
• did I start shrinking my clothes in the dryer?
• I hate the way I look in recent pictures 
• I've always had indents on my shoulders and a dark line under my bra - but it is worse now
• On the train, if I am sitting next to a man - our legs/hips touch since we fill each of our seats

Boost to self esteem

As I’ve mentioned, spending the last few days with mostly men, has been quite a boost to my self-esteem.  Three nights ago, about 4 of my coworkers were flirting with me or stated something along the lines of me being attractive.  One went so far to say he was astonished that not only was I single but that I have the hardest time meeting men; he couldn’t believe it. 

Hell, even I can’t believe it.   Many of the pretty girls become trophy wives, the next level of pretty women have nice looking husbands. The unattractive women still find husbands, and the average woman seems to be torn between dating/marrying their high school/college boyfriends or have a slightly harder time – but eventually they do.

Will I be the outlier?  Will I spend the rest of my life solo which I thought about after the damage SI inflicted on me?  Why do men claim to be surprised I am single but yet don’t offer advice or a blind date?  I understand not getting involved with a coworker, believe me I struggled very hard with the morals of dating/fooling around with someone this year that may have been inappropriate, so with a co-worker it would be even more difficult and the wrong person at work could affect my job, which I need.

It was good practice; flirting with men and hearing some compliments…I am looking forward to the opportunity to try it again.

Girly Girl

On my most recent blind date, the guy - only about 60 minutes in - tells me I seem like a girly girl.  I laugh...at first a little uncomfortable, but then I remember, that I just realized this myself about a year ago.

I was talking to my ex-coworker last year and she tells me that I was high maintenance. I didn't agree with her...but after a few weeks I realized she might have been right.  And with high maintenance comes being a girly girl.  Something laughable.  When did I become this person?  Ask SI if he would have agreed that "Denise is a girly girl"/"Denise is high maintenance" and he would probably have laughed so hard at that statement and fell off his chair and said no way - that is why I cheated on her and made sure my mistress was. 

And that above 90% possible statement makes me a little angry because when I think of that mistress - and all she represents...it irks me that I could fall to that level that is so below me.  When I think of high maintenance girly girls...I think of fake, skirts/dresses, always in high heels, always looking the best, latest trends or lots of lace & ruffels, super small eater, snotty, bitchy, annoying, superficial, a lot of non-friends, manicures/pedicures, frequent spas & gyms, spend a lot of time on getting ready and someone I wouldn't want to be friends with.

 I don't think I am THAT bad.  OK, so I've bought some skirts and dresses in the last few years but they are all conservative, I owe a lot of shoes, but don't wear half of them, I don't own sweatpants and tee shirts, and I can be a little bitchy to people that offend me/I don't like...but surely I am not fake, superficial, a small eater, snotty (well, I am NY snotty for those outside this area...but WITHIN this area, I am not snotty...this is like the capital of snotty rich housewives), hang cheesey things off my rearview mirror, make high pitch shrills, or need constant attention.

So what is wrong with straightening my hair, wearing makeup to enhance my face, 70% of the time looking nice, only lasting a few hours in 2+ inch heels, not watching/playing sports and not killing bugs?   Aren't those 'normal'?

I am starting to wonder if the issue isn't that I am girly girl...but that I am independent.  There is a huge difference.  And I have a hard time dumbing that down, I might seem a little 'cold' but I am not - independence is something a lot of women never experience and men don't understand independent women - so maybe I seem high maintenance but I don't think I am - I am down to Earth, normal, and take care of myself to a certain extent.

what not to wear

Sometimes I spend too much time trying to figure out what to wear, a natural problem when you have a big closet stuffed with clothes...some that fit, others that do not.

After I make a selection, I always look in the mirror before I head out although I might not love what I am wearing, at least it covers some of my problem areas.

I was walking behind this lady last week. I give her credit, she looks put together: heels (I don't commute in heels!), skirt, matching top. The outfit isn't bad.  But what shocked me is that she thought she looked OK in this.  The shirt is about two sizes too small and I think the skirt length is a tad bit short for work.

As I pass this lady, I looked at her face, and she was between 50-60.
I might be more conservative, in a sad way since I am young...but I wonder why I feel like I can't wear things in public when clearly others don't have this issue.

I'm sexy and I know it

I had a great time at the photo shoot a few weeks ago.  Most of the pictures came out great...and I am not going to show you many of them...but here is one.

Not the smelly one

Sometimes I leave the bathroom stall embarrassed: the person walking in would automatically assume I was the one to stink it up.  But I am not, I suffered just as she had for the few moments it took me to pee.  I know this because I usually poop first thing in the morning.  But I can't say anything because what if she was the one who stink it up and came back to get the rest out, she would internally be mortified, but wouldn't say anything to me.

I am sure I am not the only one that thinks this. 

I also wonder how long the smell lingers and what it can get stuck on.  When it is that bad, can I leave the restroom with a slight poop smell? Would other people notice?  Does the smell damage any of my body parts like my nose hair or lungs? 

I wonder what people eat when they poop that bad, and sadly it seems like it is on a regular basis as I have been leaving the ladies room slightly dizzy.

Flaunt those legs

I have been wearing a lot more dresses and skirts at the new job, but I am still not comfortable sharing so much skin.  I think my lower legs are my best feature but I do not have much experience wearing something shorter than my knees. 

When I sat down, the skirt was half way up my thigh, and all day I was distracted by pulling my skirt down.

What are you self conscious about at work? Where do you draw the line on how much skin you show?

A late night disaster

What is it with me and drinking and getting hurt?  I think it is normal to wake up with a bump or bruise after you drink heavily and wonder where it came from, or at least that was normal for me in my college days.   But Memorial day 2011 I broke a beer pong table and I have a scar on my arm. 

This past weekend I was out in New York City.  After a long night of drinking I was stumbling back to my hotel room around 5am.

 

Times Square in the wee  hours of the morning - no one is around.

I decided to run across the street before the creepy guy behind me who kept yelling at me to 'slow down lady' got too close to me.  BAM, I fell so hard on the street, my knees hit first and then my face.  It was like the scene in The Wedding Planner when her shoe gets stuck and she doesn't know what to do as a taxi is approaching does she save her shoe or get hit by a car? ...well, here I was laying face down on the street, my brand new phone fell (I didn't get insurance for it) and a taxi is coming...will he see me? I have on a black jacket and dark jeans. Will he run over my new phone? What to do in just a few seconds, and being drunk doesn't help my reasoning. I grab the phone and manage to get up as the taxi swerves around me.  I stumble into the hotel. I knew my knee was bleeding.  I pass out fully dressed on my bed. 

The next morning I realize that my nice size 8 jeans that I've barely worn have a nice size whole in them and are stuck to my skin.

and my knee is a bit banged up.

but what I don't realize because I was way too hung over was that the fibers of my jeans and bits of street were in my wound.  I throw a band aid on and head down to work.  But my wound seeps liquid.  The next day I have nasty puss oozing out...crap it is infected.  I can handle the slight pain and discomfort, but I have a hard time actually cleaning it.   I am left wondering, if I can't clean my own wound, how can I care for a child's issues? Perhaps motherhood isn't in my future.

Freshen Up

One of my goals is to freshen my look.  I have a hard time doing that for myself, so I enlisted my friend to help me.  In two hours we removed a HUGE pile of clothes from my closet. I would estimate the total worth to be over $5,000. 

We went through each piece and decided if it was warn out, had a stain/holes, was no longer 'in', too old lady, too young, not right for my body, too big, too small, etc.  By the end of the two hours there were more clothes on the floor than in my closet.


clothes packed up for donation

Before:
Barely any room for more hangers.  A lot of clothes in there that I don't wear.

After:
More space between the clothes, plenty of room for wardrobe growth.

We aren't done. I still have a bin or two of summer clothes and shoes to go through. I also have to do some shopping.  Once I find new pieces for my new wardrobe, I will remove a few other items from my closet that I know need to be gotten rid of but I still need some variety of clothes to hold me over.

I also tried on some old jeans that I still had.  I bought them about 8 years ago but then they got small after my breakup, but I kept them because they look good on me.  And wouldn't you know it, they mostly fit! One of them is a little snug still...but with a loose top others can't tell.  I am so happy that I am back down to my SI weight.  With more work I am sure I can get to pre-SI weight (when I was 22) if I wanted to, but exercise was not one of my resolutions (too cliche) and I am not sure I want to be that size.

A look in my closet

Look at the picture below...what do you see (aside from the slight blurriness)?

Not only are my clothes organized by color (I used to arrange each color by sleeveless, short sleeve than long sleeve....but who can keep up with that?) but all my hangers are the same color.  I have to say that I think any closet looks a lot better that way.

When I went off to college in 1997, I needed hangers.  I decided on a color and bought a bunch.  But then they discontinued my hanger and so I really have a mix of two very similar colors and design.  I think my closet seems 'cleaner' and I am not so distracted by all the other hanger colors.  My pants hangers are a mix of three different kinds, but I do not use the cheap ones from the store (unless I have to until I buy more hangers).

My closet is very large - and I have more clothes in drawers and in bins...I need a serious clean out of stuff I don't wear and some replacements of cuter & stylish-but simple clothes.  This could be due to all the COLOR I have now, I used to be a brown/black/grey shirt person, but little by little in the last 5 years as I've tried to be a little more attractive, I've added color.  It is sad I still have so many clothes because I do get rid of a few bags twice a year, but it is never enough. 

How do you arrange your closet?