Sunday, September 1, 2013

a hard habit to break

I've been biting/picking my nails since I was about 7 years old. I saw my father do it once when we were in the car and that was it for me.  So young to pick up such a horrible habit.

It has always been a part of me that I am embarrassed about.  When dating SI, he wanted me to kick the habit.  I tried that nasty tasting nail polish...but that lead to not only short gross nails but also to picked lips because the taste would end up on my lips and I couldn't stand it when I licked my lips.  Instead of one bad habit I now had two.  The nasty polish wasn't working, so SI started to file my nails, pushed back my cuticles and moisturized my hands.  It was really great to have someone else responsible for them, and for a while I actually started to do well.  I realized that while short uneven nails is disgusting, I kept doing it because I was so anal about what the longer nails should look like...and in my messed up head, it was better to have them short and gross because then it gives them chance to grow they way they should.  I know, it really probably only makes sense to me.  Having SI care for my nails for a few weeks made a great difference and I even went for a manicure.  Then, I went engagement ring shopping.  Great motivation for keeping the nails in good order.

Obviously that didn't work out and I neither did my nails.  While I would pick at my nails for no reason, stress was a major time when they would sometimes end up in my mouth.

When I was out with Mountain Man that one evening, we were talking about insecurities and I had quite a long list compared to him, and on the top of my list was my size and my nails.  He agreed nail picking/biting was disgusting.  And all I heard in my head was one of SI's reasons why he couldn't be with hands. So, I tried so hard not to keep my hands too visible.

Two weeks after my return from my vacation, I realized that my finger was in my mouth when I was thinking. Shame on me.  At that point I made a conscience effort to once again try to stop biting my nails.  I took out the nail file and made them nice and smooth.  I tried to catch myself if I was about to pick...but the good thing was that with the filed nails, the picking subsided because the nails weren't uneven and nothing to pick at.  So, it has been only one week so far, but I think I am doing better now than I did ten years ago.

As you can see, they still need work.  I need to get a cuticle pusher-backer, maybe a very light nail polish, and more length.  I hope I can keep it up.  This was on my 30 goals for my 30's list....and I'd love to accomplish this.
left hand

right hand

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