Monday, September 23, 2013

changed me

People keep saying that you can't change people.  I am not sure I agree.  I am not talking about the socks your partner doesn't pick up off the floor or the way someone chews, I am talking about something deeper.

I look back at who I was 10 years ago and I look at me now; I am sort of the same person but I am different (overlooking the normal physical changes of aging).  I am who I am now because of the life experiences and people who have impacted me over those years.  If it weren't for those specific people and the situations we had together, I would be someone else.

Those people may not have intentionally tried to change me, but unknowingly they have.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy with the person I've become.  I am just not sure I would be who I am if it wasn't for those people.  My personality is a little more serious than it was, even though I still have a great fun side; it just takes the right person to bring it out. My trust level and fear of commitment has increased as well.  And I know I doubt myself a lot more now than I did then.  Why? Because when you are lied to, mislead and taken advantage of over and over, it makes you question who you are and you try to correct it so it doesn't keep happening...and therefore you try to change yourself because of those people.

I hate that I have been less confident and insecure; it is playing a toll on me.  I've done a lot of internal work to bring this back up to 'normal'; it has been a very slow progression, and I am way better than before, but not at a place I want to be.  

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