Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Diary of a fickle white woman
Serenity Now!! Insanity Later
The Sassy Curmudgeon
Oh, What the crap
30 and Starting Over
1. Why do you blog?
I blog because I need an outlet to vent. In high school i kept a diary. During my first break up I wrote 20 pages to get out my thoughts. I thought blogging would be my therapy since real therapy didn't work (I only tried one session).
2. What was your favorite age to be and why?
This is hard. I really enjoyed being young. 8-10...the summers were an eternity and we had a blast. No real responsibilities. As an adult I enjoyed 22-25, as I said the other day those were the happiest years of my life. But I hope my mid-thirties and early forties will be the best.
3. What's your favorite sport to play?
Haha. that is a funny question. Hmm, three-legged races? I am really good at that (well, I guess that depends on my partner). I enjoy swimming...but my family does not have a pool anymore, so I don't do that.
4. What is your favorite sport to watch?
I think I like basketball the best. There is a lot of action. My nephew plays baseball and basketball and I enjoy watching both of his sporting games, but basketball is more action packed. Of course I love March Madness. But I do not have a favorite team - I tend to root for the opposite team as my 'friend' or just pick one based on color/name/location.
5. If you could pick your perfect career (and money didn't matter) what would it be?
Hmm, if I knew this answer, then I would be working towards it. I really have no idea.
6. Do I ever feel guilty about blogging?
I don't feel guilty for getting my thoughts out there to my small following. But sometimes I do feel bad writing about people...but I try to use discreet nicknames and no pictures, so honestly only a handful of people would know who they are anyway...so No, I do not feel guilty.
7. What is your favorite holiday?
I love Thanksgiving.
8. What is your favorite kind of music?
That is hard, I like a lot of different kinds of music. I love some 80s, sappy love songs, angry woman songs, pophits, oldies, etc.
9. Do you consider a good or bad driver?
I would have considered myself a good driver a few years ago. I don't really drive much now, not having a car...but I am going to start to look for one. I am definitely on the better end of the spectrum. In this area there are some HORRIBLE drivers.
10. What is the farthest place you have visited?
I took an international business class for my MBA and elected to take the Asian business strategies and we took a 10 day trip to China. We spent a few days in Beijing and a few days in Hong Kong. A few of us also took a few hour trip to Macau. I can't wait till I can afford to travel to more places.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
This isn't going to stop me from watching this season of the bachelorette, as there is little TV to watch in the summer (I have basic TV), and I am rooting that Ali finds a great guy. Some of her choices seem really cute/nice and after only two hours I've picked those that I am rooting for.
- Here is who I am NOT rooting for: Craig M (seems too arrogant), Jonathan (seems so sketchy and reminds me of Tom Cruise in a bad way), Craig R, Frank (at first I liked him, but he seems a little too...whats the word?)
- About the first impression roses: Justin has a great smile & sure I agree I don't like his profession but that is no reason to say he was there for the wrong reason. Roberto seems sweet, but I don't think he is right - too suave.
- Here is who I think has potential: Chris H, Chris L, Jesse, John C(?), Ty, Justin, Kirk...and she eliminated one or two I would have kept a tad bit longer.
Friday, May 28, 2010
How I Met Your Mother has had episodes about doppelgangers, and in season 5, show 24, Ted said that everyone has a doppelganger of themselves. My issue would seem that the doppelganger of SI is the one that haunts me. I was so I love with this guy. Perhaps it was because it was my first love, perhaps it was because I had nothing else to compare it to. But the original version of him that I know of (2002-2005) was the one I can't seem to escape. It was such an ideal relationship, it was so easy, so perfect for a long time. It was everything I wanted. Especially after being on dates with other people...that is when you realize how good something was even if it was bad.
I should hate SI for what he did to me, I know that. But I don't. And for a while I tried really hard to make it work. And would have taken him back in a heartbeat if he asked in a convincing way and made those small gestures to show he was willing to work on gaining trust back. In a few months we will technically be broken up as long as we were together (2 of those years I wouldn't really consider broken up, but technically that is when I moved out)...which is way to long to be haunted by this.
So why now? I was doing really well for a while. And I guess it come down to that Memorial day is the start of the summer. The summer is a time for love and activities. Summer was always such an amazing part of the year, and I realized that I will be alone again. I don't have enough friends to hang out doing things I like. And it hurts me to assume (yes, I know that makes and ass out of you and me) that he is happy and probably married with a kid...even though last I talked to him a few months ago he denied it, but then again, he lied to me about pretty much everything for a while so who knows what to believe. Sure, I can do some Internet stalking to find out...but honestly I couldn't handle the reality.
I know that the guy I loved isn't the guy that broke my heart and isn't the guy he is now (a few doppelgangers in there). Although, the guy now is very similar just to my original version. And I know there is no way things can ever go back. But I have thought of how different my life would have been. Do you ever look around at all your old friends on facebook and wonder how they seemed to have been 'luckier' in attaining their hopes and dreams. The girl who was on the larger size and awkward and never had a boyfriend is suddenly married with several kids. Or the once super shy boy who has now traveled the world and has an amazing job. Somehow I thought I would end up in the same boat, not left behind watching everyone and secretly being jealous that things worked out for them. So far the only person who wants to end up like me is my eight year old niece, she told her mother that she wants to be like me because "I don't live with my parents even though I am a kid. I can do what I want when I want".
I know things aren't always what they appear and they could be miserable...but at least they had those opportunities. The grass may be greener on the other side, but I've been on both sides and I really prefer the side I am not on. That is saying a lot because one year with that guy was hell and I'd still take that over this.
Now, if only I can develop some sort of eye puff reducer then at least I'd be set financially :) Hopefully by writing this, and getting my sadness out, I can have a better day tomorrow and enjoy the summer.
I have free time right now. Lot's of it. I should work and make good use of that time instead of finding new hobbies...but the main goal is to find a man. To do that, I can't be working all the time. I need time to date. :) sounds horrible right? Yeah, it is. And no, I don't think Mr. New Man will be found at the part time job.
I don't know why I have an easier time looking for a part time crap job then finding a replacement full time job. It could be that I still don't know what I want to do with my life. AND for some reason I would feel guilty leaving my job. They have been really wonderful and it isn't so bad...but the pay sucks. I remember about 2 years ago, I had a client come into the city and my boss was talking to him. He is telling her how he would love to move back to New York City but it is too expensive. She agrees with him and says 'but Denise wouldn't know, she lives in Westchester not the city' and my mouth dropped. HELLO lady -- Westchester is super expensive...especially when you live alone. Mind you she is 'old' and lives in a rent stabilized apartment and is the owner of the company -- so she is NOT struggling.
After three months I have finally updated my resume, but when I look at it I am still not happy. I do a lot of miscellaneous things at work, and have a hard time making it sound good. Starting a new job is scary...and I worry that I would regret my decision...but I suppose a higher salary when I can actually afford groceries and a car and pay off my credit card would be good regardless.
Oh, who knows.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Every year we get summer hours. We work an extra 1/2 hour on Thursdays and then 5 hours on Friday and get to leave a little early. It is nice to get home about 2 hours earlier...but in the last 4 years I have not done anything 'special' with that free time. My first summer, it rained EVERY Friday...and I know this because I always wanted to go to the town pool, but when I got off the train it was raining. The following year I was living back with my parents and just sad. I don't remember those 2 years too much...but I know that nothing special happened.
So, that leaves me with this year. My year of change and trying new things. I know I am a little 'behind' schedule on the finding yourself thing - but better late than never. I would love to hear what you non-new york citiers would do in the big apple for a few hours.
Friday, May 21, 2010
- First time traveling with a guy that I was very casually dating
- First time at an all-inclusive resort
- First time I spent a night in Mexico
- First time I sat in an airplane row with extra leg room
- First time as an adult, being in public wearing a bikini
- First time I got so badly sunburned my face was swollen for 2 days and am disgustingly peeling (credit to all you super light skinned people who endure this all the time)
- First time unintentionally mooning everyone in the pool
- First time being fish-hooked
- First time on a vacation where I did nothing
- First time I swung on a swing drinking beer
- First time I wore a strapless bra
- First time I drank Mexican beer (that's right - I'm a bud light drinker. I do not drink Coronas: however that is all this place had on tap. I did drink that and then in town I tried Modelo, Sol, Leon and Pacifico)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
So without further ado, here is my how to ditch a girl in 96 hours:
- Blatantly check out every single female around AND comment to me about how hot they are and/or that you want to 'tap that'
- More than three times in a day, suggesting to others that I can be swapped
- Laugh-snort at me when I ask if you'd like to have sex
- Constantly telling people I am too nice, after a while it is just constant reminder of a flaw
- Intentionally ignoring me
- Opening the car door before the car stops to drop me off and then tires spinning as you speed off
- Its ok if you complain about something, but if I did, it is not acceptable
- Annoyed at the fact I am not an alcoholic and can not drink from 10 am - 10 pm. I suppose I am more of a binge drinker. I'd rather drink more in a shorter period of time and get tipsy/drunk than to spend the whole day drinking and perhaps fall asleep too early.
- Endlessly talking about an ex-wife but yet if I bring up a time/story from an old relationship - I am not over it, need to move on and carry too much baggage...but its OK for you since you were married - because a relationship of 6-7 years apparently means it isn't serious and I wouldn't understand
- Every time you fart (which was often) you tell me you 'shit your pants'
- Hoping & praying to find others to talk to so you don't have to talk/look at me
- Not offering to rub sunscreen on my back
- Incessantly talk about your child. Sure, I love children and don't mind some talk, however there is a limit on this
- Walking so far in front of me, that I wonder if you'll leave me in the airport parking lot
- Not asking the gal questions after she has asked you a few. Conversation focused solely around you
- Constantly pointing out to other men how large my breasts are
Do any two maybe three of these things, and I can get the hint EASILY. There is no need to do them all. Guys gotta realize that excessive behavior is a major turnoff anyway. And MAYBE just maybe, we are sitting there, thinking the exact same thing as you, but we are handling it a lot better by silently laughing to ourselves hoping the trip will end.
I try not to judge a book by its cover - in fact, I've been trying to open up to new ideas. BUT there is a reason why we need to trust our guts and first impressions seem to be right.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Next came the trek through the terminal to find the gate. A little browsing here and there and then popped a squat. A little reading? Some music? Talk to my travel partner? Nope, I decided I needed to text a friend internationally - goodness knows how much that will be - to sort out some stuff. I eventually popped in the earpods and proceeded to people watch. It couldn't be more perfect -- as much as I have traveled for work (about 3 times a year) I NEVER once thought about where to sit to do this. I have always hoped that maybe I'd meet a cute guy on the plane or in the airport, but I still have not. Generally all the guys at my gate aren't even attractive & mostly women end up next to me. It just so happened that my gate was near the men's rest room. I spent the next few hours watching all the men enter and leaving their rest room. There were only about 5 guys that were good looking - but I guess it was better than none. If anything, I learned a lesson - at the airport, make sure to sit near the men's bathroom because at least I'll have a distraction. Now I just need to work on that I'm available for a chat look.
What was interesting was to have the initial security line move faster, we had our bags hand checked at the gate. This took a while, but I had no problem getting through. Both this time and one other time at security I was NOT patted down. Once in a while, a girl wants a pat down from the good looking security guard...after all, we like strong guys and fantasize about a little steamy action that follows the pat down (sure, I watch too much unrealistic TV & movies) but that never-happened pat down would have turned me on more than the rest of the trip. Maybe next time.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I was very self conscience about the possibility of wearing a bikini. I haven't worn one since high school, when I didn't realize what a knock-out body I had back then...but now, that is something that shouldn't be done, for courtesy of the other people. My first day there was a half day, so I wore a black tankini...and I realized I was practically the only person covering so much of my body. Next day I decided to attempt the bikini, I did not feel comfortable not covering up...but I saw a lot worse bodies than mine (and a lot better).
The resort had a large population of Canadians and Europeans - and I know the Europeans wear speedos, but I am not used to seeing so many in such a small area. Big guys and fit guys and even little kids...so really, my bikini was OK in the grand scheme of it all.
My keratin hair treatment did not seem to work well in the humidity. I was informed not to go into salt or chlorine water -- but why else would I want to get the treatment done? Mostly for the summer humidity by the ocean. I tried to straighten my hair each night - but it seemed to be pointless as it just curled up and frizzed out of control. No wonder my 'friend' couldn't keep his eyes off of every other lady there.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The resort has many pools and fountains - everywhere you looked, you saw water. For an extra relaxing feeling, they have these huts that jut out a little over the water but you stay cool under the shade.
This is definitely a place I would return back to and part of me is a little upset it took me so long to travel that way. I am looking forward to starting to think about where I can go next.
OK, that is enough of a 'review'. I'll try to post something every day this week about the trip, a mini theme.
**Thanks to Nadine for some of these great pictures**
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Places you don't want to visit --> enough said, I want to see them NOW...
Misconceptions of common sayings --> Oh, so that is what that means
Unsual weather phenominema --> actually the pictures are really great
Worst logos --> if these dont make you laugh, I don't know what will
Easy arithmetic tricks --> Who doesn't love a short cut?
Bizzare tourist attractions --> Good, other people more crazy than me
Facinating facts about cheese --> I LOVE cheese, enough said
Bizzare food festivals --> who doesn't like a celebration of food
Wrongly attributed inventors --> always good to know for trivia
Most disturbing novels --> I read a lot, so I might have to try some of these
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
I sat there thinking that might be me in a few years. I had 2 back-up husbands, you know the ones "If we are not married by 30, we marry each other". But both found someone and are still married. Sure there is Bank Boy who won't leave me alone, but I refuse to settle too far, a little settling is OK, but there is a line.
Got me thinking, what will my back up plan be? My posts from last week included adoption...but I have also thought about being pregnant. Adoption might be the better of the two.
I have thought about what kind of sperm I wanted. Last year, I asked my super ex boyfriend (cop #1 - and super because it was 2 ex's ago -- not because he was amazing) if he'd let me have his sperm since he was incredibly good looking. He said no. At the time he was married with one kid, and his wife pregnant with the second and he didn't think the world needed another one of his children around. I tried to explain I wouldn't ask anything of him, just that when we had sex, maybe he forgot the condom. I could get pregnant and he wouldn't even know since we wouldn't be talking in 6 months. After all, what would he care: He was married and wouldn't be involved. There went that idea - back to thinking about sperm banks.
Two weeks ago, I asked my sisters if they'd help/be supportive of me if I end up a single mom. Of course they said yes, but I could see one doesn't think I'll end up single...the other one looked like she might believe it be my only option...that is if I want kids at all.
I should start thinking about what age I will stop waiting for the 'what if' and make something happen for myself.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I am mortified - sure I have lots of dark hair, but I never realized it was an issue...the joys of growing up. I started bleaching my mustache, but there was still a bit of hair. Traumatized my mom sets out finding an electrolysis. We find some Indian lady doing it out of her basement and a very reasonable rate. I endure 15-30 minute sessions once a week 3 months and then twice a month for a few more months and then every 3 weeks or a month for a while after that. After about a year, I was pleased with my results...all the hair on my lip GONE. I was about 15 or 16, and this process HURT. I won't lie, a needle was inserted into your skin for every hair follicle and then buzzed with an electrical current. Almost every session I lay there with tears streaming down my face, left with small welts that I had to ice for a while which then vanished by the next day. I dreaded going there but happy all at once.
Three or four years after that I decided to have laser hair removal on my sideburns and cheeks. This was very expensive but at least I only went for about 6 sessions. My face actually looked OK and I was not no longer embarrassed since you couldn't see any more dark hair.
In the mean time I started waxing my eyebrows at my at the time boyfriends request - he didn't think I should have a uni-brow bigger than his...(OK OK, it wasn't THAT bad, but my eyebrows were thick). Occasionally I also waxed 'down there' at his request as well.
About 9 years later I noticed more hair sprouting up on my face. I have to say that the laser and electrolysis worked for a long time - but then feared doing this again now that I was older. Last night I had my first electrolysis appointment, and I was scared. I was happy to see that the technology has gotten better (and with that the price was 3 times more than what I paid 10 years ago). Although you can feel every insertion at least I didn't shed a tear. I'll go back for the occasional clean up, which won't be as bad, something I can tolerate.
I would love, as posted yesterday, to start laser hair removal for my underarms and bikini line...but that is a long time away since I do not have the money for that.
In a world that seems to be falling apart every day - I feel guilty that I find the need to be so vain in my appearance...but then again, that is the one thing that will help me land a future husband, so the investment is worth while.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
But it always gets you thinking - what would you do if you won the lottery? I keep saying how broke I am, so this is something I think about a bit - but since I don't play, I know dreams of coming into money is slim. I wouldn't be super greedy and want to win the 300 million...I would be very happy with a measly 15 million dollars (after taxes).
So what would I do?
* Breast Reduction
* Laser Hair Removal
* Sell my small condo & buy a nice townhouse
* Save 8 million so I can live off the interest without having to work
* Put 1 million away for each of my future children
* Help my family (maybe pay off their mortgage or help with their kid's education)
* Buy a car
* Donate some to a good cause
* Pay off my student loans, maybe go back to school for something else
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Who doesn't like attention? I liked attention from boys, but it got out of hand. I was in the 11th grade and high school was the worst place for me; I was constantly tortured and teased by the junior & senior boys because I had huge boobs (and I was skinny back then). I didn't understand what sexual harassment was -- and actually didn't learn that term until 2 years later. The boys would leave messages on the house answering machine that my parents would hear that would thank them for blessing me with succulent breasts that they can stare at all day and hope to play with. My parents heard these messages. Humiliating. One day it became too much to handle, and I wanted to end it. The boys had repeatedly asked if I'd flash them, I always said no. Then this particular day, I said OK. We were at lunch, and we went outside (me & the 3 or 4 seniors). I lifted up my shirt for all of 5 seconds. Bra stayed on. Before the school day was out 95% of the school heard about this & nicknamed me flash. I didn't go to school for the rest of the week - I was ashamed and embarrassed...but eventually a month later, people just stopped talking to me. I lost a few friends...but I didn't care. My senior year was only 4 periods & I worked...I just couldn't wait to go away to college and leave those people.
College was better, but guys just assumed with a body like mine, I was a slut. In fact when the complete opposite was true. I was too scared to do much because I knew it was for the wrong reasons. In college, I was super drunk one night that flashed a lot of guys at a frat party - which of course involved alcohol. My sorority sisters didn't like it one bit - and I apologized in a letter for my behavior - but I also questioned why flashing was deemed worse that all their casual sex with the frat boys. I ended up quitting the sorority a month later.
Sex was a big deal back then - and while I didn't partake in those activities, the treatment I received from guys in high school and college was enough to damage me. Many times men were only interested in me for my unusually large chest to say they saw them or touched them. Maybe it became contests. Because of this, I had a hard time trusting anyone and understanding why someone would want to be with me for me.
Sometimes it isn't a matter of getting over it - but it is more of accepting who you are and new people aren't those kids who made your life hell. The feelings never go away -- because so many guys are assholes and their behavior still goes with everything I just discussed. I will probably always have insecurities about my body and trust issues but when you find someone you like enough, those feelings get put on the back burner.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I had another engagement that evening - and told said friend they could met me there and we'd decide what to do. As I was telling my cousins about this - they assumed, like me, that this get together could be a date. My sister on the other hand - did not think so - but then again she is married and naive about singlehood. I had to try my best to make the evening not like a blind date (I say blind date because, what do you really know about someone after 13-14 years?). I downed two beers and just let the night happen.
I actually had such a fabulous night - we stayed there. I laughed so much and my friend chatted with my cousins & sister so well. I do not remember much about high school - but I know why I was friends with this kid, he is truly such a nice/warm person. I was the party pooper and couldn't keep my eyes open and just passed out on the couch around 1:30-2am. I think it it is safe to say we just hung out. As we were leaving at 2:30 - we did say we'd get together again...and I do think we will.