I had a sad day today. Perhaps it is hormones and lack of sleep or perhaps I am just depressed again. For some reason I can't stop thinking about my past. More specifically the guy that broke my heart. I know those of you that know me are shaking your head in disapproval that this is still an issue. But yes, the reality is that everyone has days like this - and days where they wish their life was different.
How I Met Your Mother has had episodes about doppelgangers, and in season 5, show 24, Ted said that everyone has a doppelganger of themselves. My issue would seem that the doppelganger of SI is the one that haunts me. I was so I love with this guy. Perhaps it was because it was my first love, perhaps it was because I had nothing else to compare it to. But the original version of him that I know of (2002-2005) was the one I can't seem to escape. It was such an ideal relationship, it was so easy, so perfect for a long time. It was everything I wanted. Especially after being on dates with other people...that is when you realize how good something was even if it was bad.
I should hate SI for what he did to me, I know that. But I don't. And for a while I tried really hard to make it work. And would have taken him back in a heartbeat if he asked in a convincing way and made those small gestures to show he was willing to work on gaining trust back. In a few months we will technically be broken up as long as we were together (2 of those years I wouldn't really consider broken up, but technically that is when I moved out)...which is way to long to be haunted by this.
So why now? I was doing really well for a while. And I guess it come down to that Memorial day is the start of the summer. The summer is a time for love and activities. Summer was always such an amazing part of the year, and I realized that I will be alone again. I don't have enough friends to hang out doing things I like. And it hurts me to assume (yes, I know that makes and ass out of you and me) that he is happy and probably married with a kid...even though last I talked to him a few months ago he denied it, but then again, he lied to me about pretty much everything for a while so who knows what to believe. Sure, I can do some Internet stalking to find out...but honestly I couldn't handle the reality.
I know that the guy I loved isn't the guy that broke my heart and isn't the guy he is now (a few doppelgangers in there). Although, the guy now is very similar just to my original version. And I know there is no way things can ever go back. But I have thought of how different my life would have been. Do you ever look around at all your old friends on facebook and wonder how they seemed to have been 'luckier' in attaining their hopes and dreams. The girl who was on the larger size and awkward and never had a boyfriend is suddenly married with several kids. Or the once super shy boy who has now traveled the world and has an amazing job. Somehow I thought I would end up in the same boat, not left behind watching everyone and secretly being jealous that things worked out for them. So far the only person who wants to end up like me is my eight year old niece, she told her mother that she wants to be like me because "I don't live with my parents even though I am a kid. I can do what I want when I want".
I know things aren't always what they appear and they could be miserable...but at least they had those opportunities. The grass may be greener on the other side, but I've been on both sides and I really prefer the side I am not on. That is saying a lot because one year with that guy was hell and I'd still take that over this.
Now, if only I can develop some sort of eye puff reducer then at least I'd be set financially :) Hopefully by writing this, and getting my sadness out, I can have a better day tomorrow and enjoy the summer.