Saturday, June 15, 2013

things you don't realize

My aunt posted this on facebook, and while I don't normally share these kinds of things, I think this one touches home for me.

Just something to think about...Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. 

I had a few really hard years.  I became a much stronger person emotionally because of it, but my feelings do get hurt and I am emotional and I cry, and those feelings stay with me longer than they should...yes, I am extremely sensitive.  

I am so kind to people.  I can give you thousands of examples of ways I've helped people or were there for them when they needed me during both happy and sad times.  I've changed my plans when someone is really in need.  But yet...I don't ask a lot of people in return, and because of that...I don't get help from them when I need it.  People just assume that I am 100% self sufficient.  And while I am very independent  I feel like I shouldn't always ask for help.  Or if I do, I expect people to be there for me...and I am always disappointed   I try not to give as much to people, but then I feel guilty. I can't help people financially, I can mostly just give with support and time and little things that I know they need...and I buy them things that I think can help.  Or the times that my love and kindness radiate and people walk all over that kindness and treat me so horribly - leaving me damaged and scarred.

And yes, it is hard to say I love you, I am sorry and I need help.   I've only said I love you to two men, one I was sure about, one not so much.  I was never first.  The I am sorry is difficult because we are stubborn people.  But as I am getting older, I am starting to say it just to break the tension, even if I don't believe I am at fault or should say it first...I do; because if I've learned anything in the last 10 years, saying you are sorry opens the door to other communication and that is what really matters and it could have prevented more problems.  And yes, saying I need help is very difficult for me. Most of the time I don't want to burden people and I feel guilty.  The times I ask my family for when they know I need it. I am not the little girl crying wolf, if I ask for help, I truly need help.  I don't do it for attention and so people can cater to me.  But I don't like to seem weak and incapable.

Looking happy is not the same as being happy.  I haven't been happy in years.  I have my moments of course where I am happy, and it is an amazing feeling.  And I wonder how I can go through life not feeling like that every day.  To anyone else, I feel 100% fine.  I smile, I dress and act appropriate in public.  It is not a front. I am making due with the situation.  I am getting by.  But those people, 'friends' included don't know - but they should be able to pick up on a few small things if they were good enough friends. I am not a blabber mouth (maybe on the blog I am but not in real life) and I keep a lot to myself.  So of course people don't know how much I hurt or all the times I cry or am sad or going through a hard time.  And being single is harder...I don't have a spouse to talk to, I am alone.  If you asked most of the people I know if they thought I was dating someone the last 19 months...all but one would say no.  It wasn't a secret, but it never came up and people don't ask about me.  So the last month after the relationship ended...I felt all alone, no one to talk to...which is why I blog. Because I get all my frustrations and thoughts out of me.

You never know when people are going a hard time or have issues.  I can only ask that everyone treats people the way they should with respect and kindness at all time.

1 comment:

  1. Wrote to you yesterday about tapping…I’m writing again because I’m 20 yrs older than you, but I could easily be you. Yesterdays fear list made me have to write, because I think this could really benefit you; wish I had known this 20 yrs ago. Please consider writing to me: I think that you are a highly sensitive person HSP, there is such a thing! And I think that I understand many things about your life. I live in Asheville, so if you pay attention to coincidence at all, there's one! I'd like to offer to work with you, we could do it on the phone, and it would help me as well. No charge; just your feedback.