Friday, June 28, 2013

I am special

Just yesterday I posted about the blank paper that ManFriend sent me and how I longed for something written, maybe a little reassurance,that I was a great person.  Today, I was cleaning out my starred email and I came across the forgiveness email I sent to SI back in 2010, I couldn't resist reading it.  Even though the email is 3 years old, it was powerful and brought tears to my eyes.  I was very in tune with my issues then.  One day I wrote about how to forgive, then spent the day and night writing it out  The next I sent out him my an email explaining to him that I forgave him.  My forgiving email to him was long, but was about as truthful as you can get.  And his response was what any woman would want to hear, "You are by far the kindest, gentlest, most caring woman I have ever met. And I hope that you find someone who deserves you. And I would be so upset with you if you settled for anything less. You're fun, outgoing, thoughtful, creative. Anyway, I can't make up for what I did or how I treated you. I'm sorry for that."  and "You are a gem among rocks. You are beautiful and kind. Fun and forgiving. Understanding and thoughtful. These qualities are not common. In anyone. You are special. And you deserve the best, every day. And you deserve to be told these things, every day. Don't settle. Ever."
I know it was probably very hard for him to say that, but then again it was four years after the fact, so maybe not.  But it was what I needed and I think that was our last correspondence, and I do really think it helped me.

So, this got me thinking, can you forgive someone without so much time passing?  Do you need to forgive everyone that wrongs you?  And do you need to forgive someone before the rest of your life goes on?

I really hope not.  I am not about to reach out and forgive ManFriend via text/phone/email, but I don't think he is worthy of me to halt my life. I am not devastated by what happened, my life isn't paralyzed like it was with SI.  I suppose in my head I can forgive him, but I have no need to tell him I forgive him for him wronging me.  ManFriend was the rebound (not even) that I needed to bridge my gap between SI and the next person that I hope will be the other love of my life.  ManFriend was brought into my life for a few reasons - so I can be more comfortable around men, to test my willingness to love/care for another person, to test my tolerance for asshole behavior, and to open my eyes to different ways of being intimate.  That is it.  Sure, I said I loved him a few times, but like I said in previous posts, it was a different kind of love; it was no where near the kind of love I felt with SI.  And of course that love with SI is the kind of love I am looking for and hope to find again.

I know I am 'special' and have some amazing qualities...I just wish I could find a man that realizes it and appreciates it before we are over.  Still hopeful.

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