Wednesday, June 19, 2013

pressure on myself

Do I put too much pressure on myself? Is that why I am having this breakdown?  Doofy heard I was depressed and stopped over and tried to reason with me.  Although you can't really reason with a weepy woman.  Of course some of the things he said I know deep down...and I wonder if I am making a whole bunch of wrong choices.  Like, is it wrong to sell my condo?  I didn't realize it was such an accomplishment to own something.  Maybe I shouldn't sell it, but I just wasn't happy there.  Will I be happy anywhere?

Will shedding my goals make me a happier person?  It seems to go against everything I believe...yet, I wonder if there is some possibility in it.

As Doofy nicely pointed out...I am all talk and no action.  I have not only these goals and grand ideas, but yet...7 years later I have not made much progress.  Unfortunately this is true.  I've done a few little things, but none of the things that really count.  Of course that is depressing, I am letting myself down. I hate to fail.

And what about my fear of commitment? Again, this was re-brought to my attention.  Apparently I have a fear of commitment still.  I haven't seen it as far as a potential man goes, but with other things, like not applying for a board position that I have thought about several times because they wanted a 3 year commitment, or not volunteering in the local community because they want a commitment of so many hours per week.  I don't know where I'll be in three years so I don't do it, but yet, I've been back in this area for 7...I should have done it.  I know that.   And why not now?  I think more than ever, I don't want to be here that long, but will I?  Who knows.  probably, I wonder if I am too scared to move far away alone, even though I have nothing to loose and my situation would be similar.

Of course Doofy said my biggest problem is my lack of faith in thinking I can do meeting friends and talking to strangers.  I know I am in charge of what happens to me and I am accountable for my happiness or sadness, but sometimes doing it alone is so daunting, sometimes I feel like I need a little push.  I know once I break that first scary barrier, it will be easier and I will be more comfortable with it.  It is a struggle to get there.  If only I was more outgoing and people didn't scare me.  I envy people where this is second nature.

Overall it was a good chat, and even though I teared up many times, I think it helped.  Poor guy, I always seem to cry around him.  I am sure, if he had a nickname for me, it would be BasketCase.

**This was written on Saturday, not as weepy the last few days**

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