Do I put too much pressure on myself? Is that why I am having this breakdown? Doofy heard I was depressed and stopped over and tried to reason with me. Although you can't really reason with a weepy woman. Of course some of the things he said I know deep down...and I wonder if I am making a whole bunch of wrong choices. Like, is it wrong to sell my condo? I didn't realize it was such an accomplishment to own something. Maybe I shouldn't sell it, but I just wasn't happy there. Will I be happy anywhere?
Will shedding my goals make me a happier person? It seems to go against everything I believe...yet, I wonder if there is some possibility in it.
As Doofy nicely pointed out...I am all talk and no action. I have not only these goals and grand ideas, but yet...7 years later I have not made much progress. Unfortunately this is true. I've done a few little things, but none of the things that really count. Of course that is depressing, I am letting myself down. I hate to fail.
And what about my fear of commitment? Again, this was re-brought to my attention. Apparently I have a fear of commitment still. I haven't seen it as far as a potential man goes, but with other things, like not applying for a board position that I have thought about several times because they wanted a 3 year commitment, or not volunteering in the local community because they want a commitment of so many hours per week. I don't know where I'll be in three years so I don't do it, but yet, I've been back in this area for 7...I should have done it. I know that. And why not now? I think more than ever, I don't want to be here that long, but will I? Who knows. probably, I wonder if I am too scared to move far away alone, even though I have nothing to loose and my situation would be similar.
Of course Doofy said my biggest problem is my lack of faith in thinking I can do things...like meeting friends and talking to strangers. I know I am in charge of what happens to me and I am accountable for my happiness or sadness, but sometimes doing it alone is so daunting, sometimes I feel like I need a little push. I know once I break that first scary barrier, it will be easier and I will be more comfortable with it. It is a struggle to get there. If only I was more outgoing and people didn't scare me. I envy people where this is second nature.
Overall it was a good chat, and even though I teared up many times, I think it helped. Poor guy, I always seem to cry around him. I am sure, if he had a nickname for me, it would be BasketCase.
**This was written on Saturday, not as weepy the last few days**