Monday, June 17, 2013

a drunk tirade about men using me or shocking me for being so supportive

(I posted this and removed it...but why not share it even if my thoughts are not logical and I am repetitive & I need a better name than OldMan because he isn't 90)

full disclosure. I am drunk. After ManFriend's text earlier today, I knew i still had to go out with OldMan to get drunk. I even contemplated having sex with know 'best way to get over someone is to get under someone'...but I am not that kind of person.

I had a rough day. I cried a lot.  My work friend Karen had to deal with hysterical denise.  My OldMan friend had to witness me cry a few times, my life coach has seen me cry...but not for a year or so.  And doofy the other day was a lifesaver.

I want to thank my one anonymous reader who reached out to my last post and was so supportive. I want to say that it shocked me...I don't have real life friends who are that kind and sweet, so THANK YOU, it brought tears to my eyes when I read your comment.

I feel like I am a basket case right now.   i want to say this ins't me...but i guess it is.  You will read in the next coming days/weeks some of the issues that I am going through, and my 'homework' assigned to me by my life coach.  maybe it will help put things into perspective. I have a lot of figuring out to do with my 'real life'  friends...and if I need to get rid of them. I have to figure out what do I expect from a friend and when is it time to tell them I can't be friends anymore.   I need to set boundaries. I am tired of being disappointed.

I am tired of being disappointed in men too.  I am tired of it all.  I understand and accept it is all my fault and my problem. I let it happen. I somehow allow men to think it is absolutely fine for them to treat me like shit and use me...because I am single and naive and don't know that ins't true at all.   i am single sure, but my issue really lays with me being so sweet and wanting to help people and putting a trust in them that at some point they will reciprocate their actions....and they don't.

that issue today with ManFriend really pissed me off.  First of all..was he kidding? I don't know.  I doubt it. But really, what kind of woman would accept earring willingly if it wasn't a gift.  And is he giving gifts already??? Shit, I  didn't get one nice thing...what did she do to get a fucking gift, even if it is used?   But who tells someone that?  LIE.  I don't believe in lies..but in this instance, yes I do.  Or the omission of truth is fine too.  I am not stupid. I know he will never give me the money he owes me, and I wish I was strong enough to go to NJ and knock on his door and demand to take it home with me.  I looked into small claims court earlier today, and I am not sure it is worth it. I texted Cop#1, I haven't talked to him since see what would happen if I file a stolen goods report.  I haven't heard back.  OK, so I have to accept that not only was ManFriend an asshole, he is a con-artist.  Good for him.  he won.  i am not sure i want to fight this battle. i might just raise the white flag and forget the principles and just let him disappear out of my life. It would be better that way.

Did he play me because the first time we went out I devoldged the truth about my past and told him the secrets to why I am so depressed and un-trusting of men? Did he realize then he would be able to get whatever out of me he wanted because he heard how devoted I was to SI that I allowed him to manipulate and control me for years hoping something would change?

Unfortunately for ManFriend, SI still out beats you.  At least he pretended to show interest in me.  I never hated SI.  I loved him so much that I eventually accepted what happened, even blamed myself.  With ManFriend...I am growing hatred for him.  Not one nice thing i got from that man, aside from a drunk tirade about what an angel I was....but yet it was still fitting for him to throw it in my face he was sleeping around.  I am livid. I am fuming. but I am not 100% surprised either.  He is a man after all.

OldMan friend is so sweet.  He really is nice. I feel bad and guilty. I don't want to mislead him and I've told him as much...but I feel like he is meant to be my friend right now.  Out of all the people I consider friends, the least likely really stood out this week, and I can't thank them enough.

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