Monday, June 24, 2013

Mad at myself

My mind races and I am mad myself.  I can't stop thinking about what manfriend  said to me last week.  I want to forget it, but I am can't. I have conversations in my head all day long.

I have conversations in my head that brings tears to my eyes about the kind of relationship he is in....gifting gifts to other women?   I mean, I didn't get shit.  His he really at that point???? Or maybe he needed to lash out and be mean so I would withdraw?  When I talked to doofy he said he would do this so she seemed more in control even though that is what he wanted. 

So why would he want to drive that screwdriver further into my heart?  What did I do to deserve such backlash? I was nothing but nice and he felt he needed to disintergrate me.  I guess it worked because it has consumed my thoughts for days. 

I am mad myself because I allowed him to sleep with me and now I wonder what kind of skank he has been with and i've convinced myself I have a std. I feel uncomfortable 'down there' even though it might be nothing.

I hate that I allowed myself to be drawn to kissing manfriend to allow it to continue.  I hate that I allowed him to have two minutes of unprotected sex so he can release.  I hate that he IMed me a few weeks ago about why he woke up with a hard Dick later realize it was because the woman he was with didnt fulfil him. 
I hate myself for thinking two minutes  of sex was acceptable because I was blinded by the intamacy of kissing.
I hate myself for making the same mistake.


  1. Yup. Typical Leo (I'm one also, therefore an authority haha!). Ruminating. Ruminating plagued my life for more decades than I care to admit. Worst habit I ever had. Smoking 3 packs of cigs a day, or sucking on a tailpipe would be less harmful to me. I was shocked to learn not everyone does this and now I understand how hard it was for people to watch me do this. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    The WHY's to your questions are because he just isn't a good person. Kind of an asshole really. Especially not good for you. He is being deliberately hurtful. He prob doesn't wake up wanting to be hurtful, but there is some damage there, and it is only exasperated by his good looks, (if billboard is an example, even add 10 years). He won't change.

    Think about it. If he was a decent human being, and he wasn't intentionally hurting you, he could have said many different things, that would not have rubbed it in your face re: earrings. 1)Didn't find them 2)Put them somewhere safe, can't remember where. 3)So devastated by your boundaries I threw them away. 4)I gave them to my mother/sister/homeless lady. 5) keeping them to remember you by. See what I mean. He is puffing up his own damaged ego because you are no longer catering to him.

  2. And GOOD FOR YOU, by the way!