Sunday, June 9, 2013

reek of desperation

I wonder if I have a different definition of desperation than my readers.  I love that people read my posts and make comments, so thank you for that!  Just yesterday someone posted that I reek of desperation and that men sense that and are turned off by it, hence why I am still single.  I spent a bunch of time thinking about this.  Am I desperate?

When I think of desperate people...I envision someone who goes on a date and constantly talks about that one person or makes the 'relationship' happen a lot faster than it should.  clingy almost.  Maybe before that first date, they sleep around a lot, because men love sex and if you can get a man to sleep with you, then surely you can convince him to continue to sleep with you.  Settling for someone because he is probably the only person you'll get.

I don't think I am desperate.  Sure I want a husband and I want to create my own family and I think about it a lot...but in reality, I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.  And I've proven this...I've been single for what, 7 years now?  I had options and I didn't settle - but I also wasn't being super picky.  During this time, I'd also like to point out that I did try dating people who are 'not my type'.  I went on four dates with a man covered in tattoos and body piercings, I went out with a red head, I went out with a conceited man, I went out with older men (ManFriend was 10 years old and recently hanging out with a man up to 16 years older), I went out with younger men (down 3 years), I went out with a man of a different ethnicity, I went out with divorced men and men with children, I went out with men that make a ton of money and men that live with family/roommates because they don't make a lot of money, I went on blind dates, I went to a matchmaker, I did online dating, I went on group dates, I've gone out with people I wasn't sure about more than once because I wasn't judging a person after the first time, I was and have been more open minded.  Most of the time these encounters didn't work isn't all just me being mean/picky.  And a few people lasted longer than it should have because I developed a 'friendship' and wanted to see if that would have changed things.

So, I don't see myself as desperate, I see myself as independent, and I think that scares some men away.  I'm a great catch, and one day someone will appreciate me and love me for who I am.  And you all should know this too because the men that I give these dates to/date casually - end up sticking around or want to catch up months later because they know how sweet I am and they want me to be happy.  I am not going to settle for not being happy in a relationship just because there is one guy willing to be with me...there is so much more there, that I am having a hard time expressing what I want to say.  There are more pieces to the love puzzle than just attraction or just brains or just conversation or just family or just values...and while I absolutely can compromise on what I think is doesn't always work out.  And certainly I am not looking for super good-looking - I actually stay away from them.  I like the 'average' guy, a guy that isn't attractive but grows on you. A guy that others think is OK but you see and smile because to you, they are handsome.  I wish I could show you some pictures of these guys...but I'd like for them to remain anonymous both in name and face.

And sure, I could date one of those guys and I can end up divorced because I settled or I thought I wanted something badly enough when I really didn't. I am just saving myself all that drama later, and not letting things that I know deep down shouldn't go further than they do. I know myself really well.  Sometimes it is obvious that things shouldn't progress, and other times, like with ManFriend I seriously considered 'settling' for something and god knows I tried to open up enough and let him in and love him but there is something missing and I don't know what it is...we've chatted about this this week - why we can't move past what we have into a 'real' relationship.  And you can't say I didn't do enough, that I was being picky or that I was desperate...because if I was desperate I would have thrown myself at him or forced myself on him sooner or said when he moved that I thought we should move in together.  Sometimes, it is just not meant to be.  And I know I am/will be happier without that weirdness of our relationship.

I am not stressed out about meeting my future husband, because he is either getting closer, or he isn't coming.  And I am not going to stay at home waiting for him...I am going to start making my future happen even if he never shows up.  Once the apartment sells and I wait a few months to save a bit extra, I am going to start looking into my next accommodations...and sure, I am going to purchase something I can't afford alone - like a townhouse.  I want to feel like an adult and have a nice place to stay, and something that is a bit roomier for my possibly growing family.  Because if my future husband doesn't arrive, then I am going to probably start in the next two years, seeking foster children and adoption.  I have a tremendous heart, and I want to give that love to someone...and better someone who needs it.  The biggest issue is going to be money and being a single parent of a 4-13 year old child/ren (who still have to get familiar with you and accept that they can not have a life with their biological folks) and balancing commuting into the city or finding a new job in the suburbs.  A challenge I am willing and wanting to accept.

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