Friday, June 21, 2013

maybe I can get away with that too

I asked ManFriend if he remembered the first time we went out.  We shared some serious stuff that night.  I probably wouldn't have shared so much if he didn't shock me and tell me what he did.  So, when he asked why I was single, I gave him the abbreviated version - something like....well, I was in love with this guy who I thought I was going to grow old with, only he had a double life and cheated on me for a few years, then continued to mess with my head for a few more years.  Then I smiled, as if it is a casual everyday thing. I had to, if I didn't I would have shed a tear.  I brought this up with him recently because I was curious...what does a guy think of me when they hear something like that?

Do they pity me or do they think hmm, maybe I can get away with that too.  ManFriend seemed annoyed that I asked him this question, like maybe accusing him of doing something similar.  I've learned that if a man gets defensive, he usually has something to hide.  Regardless, I still wanted to know, so I pressed him for an answer.  He asked me what kind of man would think the second option?

I asked for a decent reason.  See, when I dated Cop#1, I was infatuated with him.  I didn't quite love him yet, but I was falling for him when he broke up with me.  We continued to see each other, and unbeknownst to me, he started dating someone else...and moved in with her, and was engaged to her....and yet, he was stringing me along.  It hurt.  I wrote about this and I was very forthright about it when SI came along and he wondered why I was slow to open up. He said I was like an onion, he had to keep peeling layers to understand me.  I was in a loving relationship so at some point it all came out.  And...with what happened between us, I have been curious if he did what he did because someone else did and saw me as an easy target.

ManFriend and I continued to talk about cheating.  He is a bachelor for a reason....he may not want to be tied down.  He believes in loyalty and wouldn't cheat if he was in a committed relationship.  I am the same way. I can't sleep around.  But he said that it isn't just the cheaters fault, but the other person's as well for driving them away.  I was a little annoyed by that, but realized he was probably right.  It is something I have thought so much about in the last 7 years.  And something I feel guilty about (don't get me started on my issues of guilt...I have no reason to feel guilty for what he did, but I do a little).  What did I do to drive SI away?  I remember one time when I was in the car driving and we were chatting on the phone and he basically told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore and that I was fat and ugly.  I think I weighed 140 pounds at the time...but I also have a Fcup. I cried a lot the rest of that car ride.  He told me to  join the gym or to exercise.  Oh, do I need to tell you how much weight HE gained?  No, I won't go there.  I don't think my looks can drive someone away as something I intentionally did.  I do understand that people loose attraction for each other...whatever. I still am attracted to the three guys I dated, and the few guys I had a crush on.  I know my attraction grows on me because I am not selecting a gorgeous guy to begin with.   Anyway, I am curious, but I guess I don't really want to know.

So I've been pondering....for future guys, when they ask about my past, maybe I am not supposed to tell them what happened to me, at least not until I know they'll stick around or I know they won't hurt me in the same way.  I think it is important to open up, it shows the other person you trust them and it will help them understand who you are and maybe some of your insecurities so they'll prove they aren't like that.  If someone did that for me, I know I'd feel more loved.

****FYI, I wrote this over the weekend and scheduled it since I was so busy this week - so it before all this other stuff happened****

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