Back in those dreaded years of high school, I had a lot of temporary boyfriends. Temporary essentially means I first had a crush and then I spent so much time and energy to get that boy to like me. When they finally ‘asked me out’ we dated for maybe 2 weeks and then it wasn’t fun for me anymore. I know that sounds so horrible, but I guess I knew I wouldn’t end up with any of those guys forever. I started to grow out of that my senior year when I was able to hold onto a guy a little longer than that.
I’ve only had two ‘real’ relationships, both which ended badly and also maybe made me a little scared to like a guy for a longer period of time – for fear it wouldn’t work out and/or end up broken hearted again.
Now as an adult dating is still complicated. I’ve had a few instances over the last three years that appear that I am reverting back to my old ways in high school. First there was this guy who I didn’t like at all, but he was so persistent and I am a go with the flow kind of girl that we’d end up seeing a bit of each other but when it came to anything physical I couldn’t do it. Then there was this guy that was OK but there were things that bothered me about him, it wasn’t until he decided we weren’t a good match that I decided it couldn’t end on his terms, so I did what I had to do, and low and behold, he could have been wrapped around my finger until I decided a week later, that I didn’t want to see him again. Moving along there was this other guy that I had a crush on and I felt that once I started to come to accept those feelings, he started acting funny, like the chase was over or that the real objective was to see if he could catch me and once he did, bam – that was it – maybe I am wrong on that one. There was also a guy that was fun but the thought of getting close with someone scared me and I backed off and acted like I probably shouldn’t have.
I do think I am open to dating now, it was a rough few years, and it shouldn’t be this complicated. I tell myself I hate games, I played in them enough over the last 15 years, but for some reason that seems to be what I end up in. However, it is kind of exciting to have those kinds of feelings back.