Dear Bank Boy,
First I would like to tell you how fortunate I was to work with you 8 years ago. When I was 22, I really enjoyed our casual flirting while I tried to figure out the complicated adult relationships. Flirting helps one self esteem and I would like to think that you help make me secure enough in how I looked for when I found my boyfriend, SI.
Now having been reconnected through FaceBook, we have been able to catch up, for that I was happy about. A lot happens in 6 years and I did think of you often while you were serving our country.
What happened last year, as you know, was a drunken disaster. I will agree it was entertaining, but since that night, our 'friendship' has gotten strange. While I was very excited that you enjoyed your nightcap, and my self esteem was able to inch its way up a little, the constant asking when it would happen again was exhausting. More recently, I thought that perhaps a second go at it this year - provided there were no strings would help my craving (and not count as far as additional numbers) proved to be the same. While I was more comfortable with the idea this time around, it should not be this hard or complicated.
I will admit that every time I hear my phone signal I have a text - I dread looking down and seeing if it is from you asking "When can I get some?" or "Feel like an hour visit?" or "Need company". The constant badgering me makes me want to see you even less. I have told you this, repeatedly.
Also, when I say no, I do not want to have a 20 minute text message conversation about my issues, why not, if I have company over, how you don't 'get me' or about how you "think I want it too but can't admit it". If I wanted it, I would let you know - just like the last time.
I informed you that I didn't want strings or something more than casual. I was not looking for someone I had to talk (IM, text included) to everyday.
I am a single woman who had spent years in a monogamous relationship. I have no idea how to be single and honestly, the thought of sleeping around disgusts me. I'd rather not do it. The few times I have tried to venture out of my comfort zone to try satisfying those needs - have mostly been horrible and not worth it. It is very difficult to enjoy sex when you don't have any feelings for a person, it is slightly easier when you are drunk. But what does being drunk all the time say? It says it shouldn't be happening in the first place.
As much as I am thrilled that you desire me & I should disregard thoughts that maybe I'm not good in bed since clearly, I must be good enough for you to harass me over the last 15 months. I must insist that this charade end. It is wearing me down.
I would like to thank you for helping improve my sexual self esteem. As you can imagine when SI cheated on me with an ex-stripper, it was very difficult to deal with - but he kept me around too. Although I've had enough 'blasts from the past' to let me know that I am actually quite good in bed - when I want to be. I am very much looking forward to my next relationship, and I am sorry to have to say you won't be it. To that end, I would like to say 'good bye'.
And for your enjoyment, some amazing text/IM conversations we have had:
April 21: BB - sleeping? ME - if I was, would you feel bad? BB -actually yes, i don't want to bother you when you are sleeping unless I'm next to you. ME - are you drunk? BB- no, do you want me to be? ME - I honestly don't care one way or the other. To what do I owe this chat? BB-I know you don't care about me, just wanted to say hi....and to see when you're gonna let me undress you again. ME - I like you as a person. BB- what other ways can you like a person? I think you want it just like I do, but too 'afraid' to admit it.
April 24 1:27AM. BB - sleeping? ME- this is unacceptable. That is a warning. BB - ??? ME (6:19AM) - see, you prob don't like to be woken up. Don't text me in middle of night.
May 5: BB - Cinco de mayo. Me- Yup. BB - Maybe I can see you later, just tell me the time and I'll be there. Me - nope, girls night. BB - after you're done with them. ME -Nope. BB - that's wrong. BB (10:22pm) I'm waiting for you. ME - sleeping. BB - Need company?
May 11: BB - When am I going to try your cooking again?
May 17: BB - When am I going to have the privilege of trying your food again?
May 19: BB - When can we meet? ME - STOP. BB- What do you mean? ME - Everyday? Are you going to ask that EVERY DAY? BB- I am asking this because I'd like to see you and I strongly believe that you feel the same, but you keep playing this game. ME - it is really annoying on a daily basis. Just relax a bit.
May 28: BB - still moody? ME - moody with everyone. BB- what can i do to help. ME - you cant. BB - I can try. ME - what with sex? I can sustain w/o that. BB - but that isn't healthy. ME- casual sex isn't the answer, and I have a feeling you'd get a little clingy. BB - well, you are wrong, I only wish we can hang out again. I'm not clingy. if I've been insistent, its because I liked what we had and wish we can repeat it..... (later) I'm not asking you to marry or be my girlfriend, i just want to hang out.
Then I did 'hang out'
June 7: BB - do you want to meet up sometime this week? ME: super busy week (it wasn't). BB - not even for an hour visit? ME- nope. BB - I see. I guess i am done again? ME - why must you label it? if it happens it happens. but i said casual. i wasn't looking for once or more a week. BB- I'm not either but I kinda wanted a second time
June 8: BB- how is your night? ME - fine. BB - so is there any chance to have #3 this week? (later) ????? ME - text messages don't mean instant response.
June 13: BB - Feel like an hour visit? ME - nope. (later) BB - When can I get some?
June 16 via FB Chat:
9.04pm BB - Hello Ms.Moody. ME- I'm not moody. BB-OK but you always have a tone of an attitude. You have an attitude towards everything I do. ME- OR you are just not happy with my responses. BB- why are you like that with me. ME - because you question everything. BB- its not that, I asked a question, that is it. I don't get you. ME- I don't know, I just re-read our conversation I don't see why you are upset. BB - Sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. ME-You don't need to deal with it. BB - we F*ck and then...nothing. ME - ...and then what? I told you straight up I didn't want anything else. BB - but with you, you never know. ME - well, I am sorry that it bothers you but it is nothing new. BB - I enjoy having 'casual' sex with you. I really do. When can we do it again? ME - I am going to sleep. goodnight.
June 22: BB-I thought about you over the weekend.
June 23: BB- Must be busy... ME- Yes busy, and I think it would be best if we didn't text for a while. BB- Why is that? ME- Do I need a reason? I just can't handle this. BB- Handle what? A text message? ME- I am so flattered that you are interested. I am. And for good reasons. However I can't handle all the communication and your persistance. You are a nice guy. I am just not in the same place as you. BB- I don't want a relationship, I like what we do when we get together and I thought you did too. BB- If you want me to be sincere, I like having sex with you. BB- I like taking your clothes off. Have your **** in my mouth. ME- I wonder if I can block phone numbers....I might have to look into that. Those are the kinds of texts that make me want to see/talk to you even less.
I KID YOU NOT these are verbatim conversations....how would YOU deal with it? Now if only I had the guts to send that first part. But I am too nice for that.