We start to develop some of our dreams early on. When we are young we dream about about summer vacations and passing school, what our profession will be or about our future families. When the game MASH fortold our future, we could normally accept the outcomes even if we did live in a shack. When we get older we still have many short term dreams but the job and the families stay in play until we are satisfied with what we have.
Sure, I finished school, went on to college, then went back for more school. About 20 years of my life was in school. That is a long time. I found a job...but its not THE job. Not the job you think about when you are young. Although, that job was just more of an illusion. I may have wanted to be a teacher or doctor or lawyer (all of which I am not) but you don't understand the type of work involved...so how can you really dream it?
Moving onto love. I have been criticized for wanting love, that at times I don't think I can be truly happy or whole with out it. However, those who criticize usually are the ones that have a spouse (and perhaps are not happy??). My dreams of being married are still there. That guy in my visions that enhances my life. It took a long time to get over SI (if I even am?) - way too long. In the last 4 years I have seen friends go from single to married; or single to moving in with a guy; or in relationship to breakup to new relationship. And my personal favorite a married girl who cheats on her husband with a 17 year old (among others) and then finds a new guy dates him, gets separated from husband so she can 'party' and gets pregnant by said new guy, moves in with him, divorced finalized, have baby. I get so annoyed when I hear about stories like that last one. I stopped looking for love and I tried dating people that weren't my type. And now once again, I say just don't care - I'd rather be alone than with all those wrong guys (after all that is when it is supposed to happen, right?) but secretly I do care. The more time that goes by, I know my chances diminish.
My apartment is cute, small but cute. However at times I feel like I am paying all this money to live in what might be considered the projects of my town. No No, it isn't that bad...not at all...BUT the building structure is so horrible - I can hear everything and my sleeping/health suffers from it. Some people in my building are so inconsiderate (which is normal), I live next to the train tracks so it is always way louder & dustier than it could be, and the teenagers that loiter in the middle of the night drive me crazy (yes it is my fault I like to have my windows open all year long). I love that I have my own place, but there is no way I can afford to move into my 'dream' home, or even a much lesser version of it. I can barely afford this place. I decided to stay local after the break up to be near my family - being depressed around them was hard...but imagine how much worse it would have been to be alone for the first time in years AND not know a soul somewhere else? I have dreamt about moving far away to help healing...but it doesn't seem worth it.
I don't have it bad by any means...there are so many less fortunate people out there. And I am always so full of emotion when you hear stories about how hard people try to make their life better and succeed having went from completely broke and living a good life.
But, I have to keep telling myself "Don't Stop Believing" and one day...you will find that guy, a great job, have a better apartment or even be financially secure. I have to stop looking at the huge picture and focus more on the little baby steps I've taken to have gotten as far as I have and the baby steps I will have to continue to take to get to where I want to be.
Thank you Journey for today's blog title.