Friday, May 3, 2013

slowly adjusting

OK so it's been a week since I've seen ManFriend.  We chatted a little last Sunday and on Monday via text where we just seemed annoyed with each other - maybe because we both realized things weren't going to be the same and our emotions got the best of us.

On Monday when I was explaining to him I wasn't handling his departure well, I felt like I had to justify why I was sad and a little moody.  He asked what he could do to help...and I wasn't sure. I explained to him that I shouldn't have to ask for help - and even specifically to tell him what to do - but just to do I did for him when he was sad & depressed last year.  He claimed he understood and said "ok".

I haven't heard from him since.

So now it is 9pm, and we originally said we'd get together tomorrow.  I don't know if that is still on or not.  I have been talking to myself with scenarios.  1) I don't call/text/show up -> and he flips out because we talked about this last Saturday...but I like real invitations and confirmation if I haven't heard from you in a I don't know his address  2) I hate not knowing if I have plans and what time they start because I end up wasting my day...and I HATE when people don't appreciate my time.  3) If I don't hear from him until midday or early evening tomorrow asking me to do I? Yes because I'd like to see him...but No because what makes him think that kind of assumption is OK.  4) I fear if I do go down at the last minute, it would be more like a booty call...we did that at the beginning  but I can't go back to that at this point, I have no desire for that and I don't want to be stuck in that cycle.

And I don't understand his thinking.  Now that he lives 15 minutes from work, he should have time.  There is no excuse that he can't contact me in the evenings to check in.  I know he would be thinking I could contact him too, but my feelings were more on the line, and since HE wanted to continue our relationship after he moved....I would have liked HIM to reassure me it was doable for him.  I know I am capable of handling it, but I didn't think he was, and so far I am proving that right.

I haven't cried or teared up since I want to say I am slowly adjusting to him not being in my life anymore.  I am hoping that with the one door closing, another one will open wide.

Last night, out of the blue, Bank Boy IMed me asking if we can resume our casual sex.  He gets so mad when I say no.  It's been what 2 - 2/12 years? He is way too needy, and I don't want to get involved in that again.  Of course I said no.

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