Sunday, May 5, 2013

he used me?

A month before ManFriend left, I bought this really nice card that stated something about how important someone was in my life and how I was happy there came to be in my life.

I like cards, I feel like it is fairly cheap, but a nice thing to give on occasion to let the other person know you are thinking about them....hmm, but I never remember birthday or holiday cards.

Anyway, so in this card, I wrote a mini novel to ManFriend:

"I was attracted to you from the first moment I saw you - when you stopped by to chat about the apartment.  As we got to know each other and spend time together, I developed feelings for you - but tried to hold them back because that was not the 'relationship' we agreed upon.  However, seeing you 2-3 times a week and chatting/texting in between made it more difficult for me.  By April of last year, I knew I liked you more than I should.  Since then our 'relationship' has been unusual and complicated.  Maybe we are both stubborn or maybe we were never on the same page at the same time - but it started to take a toll on me.  By October I was completely frustrated - I wanted to spend more time with you but instead we started seeing each other less and less.

The night you told me you wanted to be part of a couple and that you loved me was a wonderfulnight.  I was excited that you maybe felt the way I had for all those months.  Unfortunately, things really started to take a nose dive after that.  and while I hoped maybe our relationship wouldn't be a secret and we'd start to have a more 'normal' relationship, you acted as if we were just friends.

This past year and a half has been a roller coaster for me, but mostly I've been disappointed and let down.

I always figured teh next time I fell in love, I'd be happy, cheerful, and excited  which is why I didn't tell you want you wanted to hear for months.  I couldn't say that when our 'relationship' needed tremendous work, because I was fearful  if I did say that - you would think that it was enough for me, and it wasn't.

But, I was wrong to hold those words hostage.  I had developed strong feelings for you, and the feeling I got in my belly when i was upset or let down really got to me.  And when we kiss, the world goes blank and I am transformed into a place I didn't know existed.  It is those reasons plus more that I realized, I did, in fact, love you, ManFriend.

I am sorry it took so long for me to say, but I know you knew I felt it long ago.  And I do not know if me saying it sooner would have changed our relationship or encouraged you to want to see me more.  I am a big believer in fate and things happening for a reason.  I have no doubt about why the universe brought you to me, and I am thankful for the time we had together.  I learned a lot about me and about the type of relationship I want.

I'd like to thank you for putting up with me, and I hope I impacted your life a little too.

I am going to miss you.  But I also know you;ll be happy wherever life takes you since you seem know what you want and do what you want.  I'll be good too.

Love, Denise"

So, while I wrote that a month before he left, and before I actually told him I loved him, I gave that to him 2 days before he moved.  He read part of it before we went for trivia, and after he again told me how amazing I've been to him this past year and a half and how lucky he was to have me.  He said he loved me and hoped that we would continue our relationship since he was only moving an hour away.

Then the moving day came and I didn't see him, well, for 12 minutes the following day when he came to pick up miscellaneous stuff he couldn't fit in his car and when he made plans with me for the coming Saturday (May 4th since he blew off dinner that night because of the stitches he needed).  On Monday we texted a few times that was basically me telling him I was having a really hard time with him leaving and that I needed him to be nicer to me, and to do little nice things - like I did for him over the last year and a half, and most importantly not to jump down my throat if I was a bit testy...since I was extremely emotional.  He said he understood and could do that.

I didn't hear from him since.  Saturday May 4th came and went and I didn't hear a word out of him.

That older man invited me out for drinks with his friends, and I went so I wouldn't sit home alone, depressed and ready to cry - even though the last few days I've been OK.  I know I could have called ManFriend to confirm today, but I wanted to see if he really cared about me.  For the last 18 months, I questioned if his feeling for me were sincere or if he was playing me because I was his landlord and I'd allow things to his advantage because I was nice and had a really hard time differentiating my landlord position and my whatever my relationship with him was.  It might not have been correct, and I certainly wouldn't call it a game - but I wanted to know if he would be nice and sweet and tell me he missed me and couldn't wait to see me.

Instead, he moved and more or less forgot all about me already.

So on my second glass of wine on an empty stomach tonight, I messaged him telling him to send me money for the book case that he essentially stole from me (I told him he could buy/have the 2 tables, but not the bookcase - but come moving day, it was all gone).  I, of course, didn't hear from him.

So the lucky bastard got my two living room tables, a nice bookcase/room divider, and all the other crap things I did for him over the last 18 months - including cases of beer, wine, groceries, homemade food, gas without waiting in line (twice) during the hurricane gas shortage, a free tow (which he didn't end up taking), leaving the apartment with things for me to clean out and clean, among others.

I get some of that is normal stuff....we both paid for dates, but me more so because he was out of work for what 7 months during that time? I allowed his rent to be up to two months late without charging a penalty ..and in return he gave me the fastest unsatisfying sex ever (well, he really liked it - and maybe 3 times I thought it was great).

I got a few dates, 1 movie, and a few thank yous.  Since I didn't hear from him at all in almost a week, I wonder if he finished my card - even typing it here, I wonder if it was a breakup card or an I'm sorry it took me so long to say this all to you card.  Sure, I loved him, hard not to after a year and a half...but I was always so disappointed.

So maybe those 12 minutes we had last week were our final goodbye.  I don't know.  Which I think sucks more - we didn't have the breakup talk.  we didn't have any kind of talk.   So I am left in limbo.  But it shouldn't be his decision alone.  I mean, I guess I've known this was coming for months, and I am OK with it...but dammit - don't tell me 2 days before you leave that you love me and are planning things months away and how I can spend a few nights a week at your place and commute into the city....when you just plan to ignore me once you move.  It would have been better if he didn't say anything.   Or if he was serious - instead of saying it - buy me a 10 trip train ticket, that show me you love me and really mean what you say - not just words.

So, was he just using me these past months? I am starting to think he was...and I was a fool because I let it happen again.  I let men use me, and I am so easy about it too....with SI, hello, I bought him a radar detector so he can speed on to the mistresses house and back 'home' to me....I had no idea, but I enabled it and allowed it and even encouraged it.

Will I wonder about ManFriend, sure of course I will.  I have been so curious why his previous relationship before me was with a 23 year old (he was 40), he was in love, they moved in together, he thought she was the one....they had that full relationship - met family, friends, trips....and I don't see how they had anything in common, and he a few times said they really didn't...looking back he was just in a cloud because she was so young and hot.  So why couldn't he do any of that 'normal' stuff with me?  Not that I will dwell on that, but that is what I'd wonder, the girl he starts sleeping with next (if it hasn't happened already) - will she get all those things I wanted?  Will she hate the sex but stay with him anyway because it becomes addicting?  Or will he never settle down because at this point at 42 1/2 he is so set in his ways that he won't be able to adjust well having someone around all the time.

Is it true that the higher powers won't give you something better until you aren't going to make the same mistake again?  Do I have to have another 'test' and stand up for myself?  Is it so wrong to want to do really nice things for people you care about?  I am scared if I stand up for myself - I'll be seen as a bitch and no one wants that, but caring too much I guess is detrimental also -for me emotionally, and I am seen as a toy/something to control in their eyes - and who can love that?

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