exhausting

On Sunday ManFriend called me.  We had a long discussion about our ignoring each other...and why we do it. We both expected each other to reach out first, and it is childish, we expect more of each other.  Is it a sign?  We expressed our disappointment, him with me not reaching out all week and me telling him I don't feel like he is showing interest, that I felt he was the one to reach out because the plans were at his new place, and I didn't even have that location yet, and that he told me that Monday that he could handle helping me through this, and then ignored me the rest of the week, which led me to think he gave up.

Of course I cried a little during this conversation, it is exhausting.  In the end he invited me over that evening. I said OK.  I was curious about where he lived and also, I thought if I saw him maybe I'd sleep better and not be so pissed off.  So I drive the 75 minutes over there.  We make out and kiss and end up in the bedroom in minutes, where we have fast sex and he finally came inside of me. We went out for Sushi where I let him vent about his job for 50 minutes and then I left and 85 minutes later I was home.  So I was in the car more than I was with him.  If this is any indication what our 'future' would be like...it isn't worth it.  Sure, I am attracted but it isn't enough.

When I first got there, before and during the kissing, we both agreed that this might not work and then we move on, but no more of this childish behavior.  It isn't healthy and it pisses us both off.  I/we can't live like that.  So, regardless of what happens now, he knows I tried and I think he might have a little.

I think my biggest issue, and I've told him this, is that I don't feel the love, I don't know if he is trying, it isn't obvious.  And while I shouldn't compare to the past, I feel like if SI and I were in this situation  he was the kind of guy that would show effort...I had a lot of that...flowers, a little gift, calling me, having answers for things I need help with, etc.  I knew how he fake felt about me.  I asked ManFriend to do a little research for me on a car rack for the kayak - and when, 5 days later I asked him - he said "there are lots of kinds you can get.  Depends on price and brand.  maybe get a thule".  What kind of help is that?

So he is paying about $500 more per month in rent (with w/d in unit, balcony, pool, tennis courts, etc), lives 15 minutes from his job...and was telling me that he can't stay at his job more than the rest of the year.  Mind you even before he moved, he didn't like his 'new' job...but he refused to want to look again because really he job searched so much in the last year. His place is nice though, I thought it was cozy and something I would have picked out too - but I know we have very similar tastes in things like that.  Perhaps it was fate that had him move just because this is extremely inconvenient and we needed this kind of reason to 'break up' because if not we would have been stuck in a horrible cycle.

I'll keep you updated.