Friday, May 17, 2013

closer to the end

There are two things I expect in a relationship - feeling loved and consideration of my time; neither of which I get from ManFriend.  Last Sunday when he was over I told him that this weekend I was completely free, I suggested we do something fun during the day, he agreed and said now that it is summer there are great summer activities.  I was looking forward to it. 

During the week, I wanted to be sure I reached out to him because I didn't want it to be awkward this weekend.  On Wednesday I asked him to come up with a plan and to let me know by Friday morning what day/time I was doing what, so I can plan the rest of my weekend accordingly.

Friday morning came and went, even with my two reminders.  After work I called him to ask about our plans, but he wanted to chat after the gym.  I called him 3 hours later and sent a text, which he finally responded to after 30 minutes.  We spent 50 minutes on the phone; the first 40 he talked about his job.  When he said he'd call me tomorrow morning, I flipped out.  I told him that if he doesn't tell me our plans, if any...not to bother calling tomorrow morning or at all.  

He said to be at his place at 7pm.  So of course I was disappointed - what happened to that fun summer activity?  We never do anything.  And now that he lives 70 minutes away, Saturday night feels like a booty call, just pre-planned.  And just because he is farther away he expects me to stay over...normally I would be delighted...but when he lived 5 minutes away, we rarely did that (although I wanted to) and he'd practically kick me out in the morning.

I don't want to be in a causal relationship anymore.  You don't tell someone you love them in a casual relationship.  This just isn't right.  And I don't want to see the person I am dating once a week for sex...that isn't a relationship in my eyes.  I am sure it works for some people, but that isn't what I am after, and I must have told him that during everyone of our serious conversations.  I want a 'relationship' that leads to marriage or a relationship that is, dependence  companionship, etc.  I think ManFriend is very happy with this arrangement and just wants to supplement his solo life with someone he enjoys sex with weekly.  And now that he is 'far' I have to worry about him getting it from someone else?  I wouldn't worry about that if he made me feel loved...but I don't, I never know where I stand.

So, I am not sure if I am going to go...or if I go, maybe I'll just tell him on Sunday that this isn't what I was expecting, and I can't do it anymore.

(prepare for some mad/sad/annoyed posts when this happens -- but I bought the kayaks to help with the little depression I'll have)

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