Sunday, May 19, 2013

not married because

I happened to catch a picture on Facebook that my best college friend T got remarried last night.  T was married right after SI and I broke up, she cheated on her husband got divorced and moved in with him probably a year and a half ago.  Now she gets married on the day ManFriend & I break up.  Strange coincidences her getting married right after my breakups.  So she's been married twice, I've been married - never.

So it got me thinking, some people are 'lucky' in the love/marriage department and other people like me are not.  I am not sure why that is.

On a smaller scale, I started to think about why the two men I loved didn't want to be with me.  For both, I am not 100% sure, it is all speculation.  With SI, I know he wasn't happy that I gained weight and that I bite my nails...but that can't be the only reasons he cheated on me and decided he didn't love me.  ManFriend, I am not sure either we communicated different and he was always upset that he felt that I didn't put effort into our relationship. I know I yo-yoed with my weight three times this year and a half...but so did he and you know, so did SI when we were together, so to break up over weight is stupid especially if they gained the same or more weight as me...and not offering to do something about it together.  I like doing things together - hikes, bike rides, walks, yoga, maybe the gym.  Not only would it bring us together, but we'd both reap the benefits.

I am not still single because of my cold heart and slutty tendencies because I am the furthest thing from that.  I am so warm and sweet and kind that I bend over backwards to help people and try to enhance their lives.  I don't think I suffocate them - but maybe it is more than they are used to.  And I am 100% devoted to people I love.  My sexual partner number is still less than 10.

I feel like I have such great qualities to give someone...why don't these gentlemen want it?  With SI, at least he had a mistress waiting for him...with ManFriend, I mean, he could be involved with another, but he was such a loner and a person that spent a ton of time by himself that I find that a little hard to believe (but I've been deceived before because of my trust in others).  So for him it was me or no one for the moment...and still he loved me in his way but not enough even though he claimed I was his angel and he wouldn't have made it the last 18 months without me and on top of that he said I was the best lover he's had so far.  For me, those items are enough to want to continue.  Clearly I am doing something to push men away.

This will all make me appreciate my future husband even more because he'll understand and appreciate me for who I am and it will be enough for him and we'll be really happy and all this will be silly.

I really hope that he comes soon.

Last night was the first night I lit my white candle, took out my 100 attributes for my future husband and said my novena to St. Anne asking for a special favor.  I can only hope it works especially because I am not very religious.  But what do I have to loose?


  1. It's not any kind of problem with you. You sound like a very nice person. You just spend too much time with HORRIBLE guys. ManFriend is an asshole. Even if he has some redeeming qualities, nothing could make up for all of the douchey things he's done. There are plenty of other men out there, and it's much better to be single than to be with someone like ManFriend or SI. A bad relationship < being single < a good relationship.

  2. Im with Anonymous here.

    There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Men are weird and sometimes get into relationships when they really just want sex. That's what man friend did. He clearly never wanted to "be together" no matter what he said. Period.

    And "SI" had issues beyond you. He has/had issues that come from his own bullshit that you just happened to get caught up in. He seriously has commitment issues among other things if he is dating two women at once.

    And for your information, and it deserves all caps:


    Women every day gain weight, or have babies or whatever and their men still love them. Please, please, please do not think this is a reason they're assholes. Somehow you have just attracted men that feel like you are safe, and they can act how ever douchey they want around you, and you'll put up with it (which you have).

    You deserve so much more Denise. I know its what everybody says and is hard to really focus on, but you have to LOVE YOURSELF before someone else will love you. Its crazy, and I know you love yourself, but at some point you have to realize YOU ARE ENOUGH. If you never meet the man of your dreams, if you never get married, if you are single for the rest of your life, YOUR LIFE WAS NOT WASTED. You are enough. You are a wonderful, beautiful, fun, friendly, kind, compassionate person, and you are enough. Its hard, but once you realize you can live your life alone, and be PERFECTLY HAPPY, is when love will come in.

    Ramble ramble, and I hope this makes any sense at all. But seriously Denise. If you feel you are being disrespected. WALK. Don't make any exceptions or excuses (helloooooooooo man friend) just walk away. You deserve better. And once you do that, your subconscious will just put that out into the universe, and the universe will bring someone who really deserves you.

    I love you friend, keep your head up. Have fun and live life. Fuck those douche bags who didn't know what they had, okay?