I happened to catch a picture on Facebook that my best college friend T got remarried last night. T was married right after SI and I broke up, she cheated on her husband got divorced and moved in with him probably a year and a half ago. Now she gets married on the day ManFriend & I break up. Strange coincidences her getting married right after my breakups. So she's been married twice, I've been married - never.
So it got me thinking, some people are 'lucky' in the love/marriage department and other people like me are not. I am not sure why that is.
On a smaller scale, I started to think about why the two men I loved didn't want to be with me. For both, I am not 100% sure, it is all speculation. With SI, I know he wasn't happy that I gained weight and that I bite my nails...but that can't be the only reasons he cheated on me and decided he didn't love me. ManFriend, I am not sure either we communicated different and he was always upset that he felt that I didn't put effort into our relationship. I know I yo-yoed with my weight three times this year and a half...but so did he and you know, so did SI when we were together, so to break up over weight is stupid especially if they gained the same or more weight as me...and not offering to do something about it together. I like doing things together - hikes, bike rides, walks, yoga, maybe the gym. Not only would it bring us together, but we'd both reap the benefits.
I am not still single because of my cold heart and slutty tendencies because I am the furthest thing from that. I am so warm and sweet and kind that I bend over backwards to help people and try to enhance their lives. I don't think I suffocate them - but maybe it is more than they are used to. And I am 100% devoted to people I love. My sexual partner number is still less than 10.
I feel like I have such great qualities to give someone...why don't these gentlemen want it? With SI, at least he had a mistress waiting for him...with ManFriend, I mean, he could be involved with another, but he was such a loner and a person that spent a ton of time by himself that I find that a little hard to believe (but I've been deceived before because of my trust in others). So for him it was me or no one for the moment...and still he loved me in his way but not enough even though he claimed I was his angel and he wouldn't have made it the last 18 months without me and on top of that he said I was the best lover he's had so far. For me, those items are enough to want to continue. Clearly I am doing something to push men away.
This will all make me appreciate my future husband even more because he'll understand and appreciate me for who I am and it will be enough for him and we'll be really happy and all this will be silly.
I really hope that he comes soon.
Last night was the first night I lit my white candle, took out my 100 attributes for my future husband and said my novena to St. Anne asking for a special favor. I can only hope it works especially because I am not very religious. But what do I have to loose?