Saturday, May 18, 2013

one last cry

Well, it is official, ManFriend and I just broke up.  I had plans to go down to NJ to see him tonight, more or less for a booty call, but he called moments ago and well, our conversation led to it being over.  While he didn't blame either of us for this happening, he said it wasn't what he thought.

I told him that I had no problem dating someone far away if I felt loved, and instead I felt neglected that he barely made time for me.  And it wasn't just that he moved, even when he lived close to me we only had sex., we didn't do fun couply things.  He kept saying be patient and let it happen naturally...but it never happened and we were 'together' for 18 months.  I told him I was unfulfilled and I have wanted more for so long...and he is in his own world.

He said he need to concentration on himself, and he's been going to the gym a lot.  That is fine, but it is always something.  First he was depressed, then he was unemployed, then he moved, now the gym....I think it is wonderful that he is finding ways to better himself, but why can't I ever be included in that?  I told him that if he liked me enough, he would have found time to be with me or to want to call me - just like I did all those little things for him over the last year and a feelings were obvious.

He said he's been selfish...yes, I wanted to say that word too but I didn't want to be mean.  I started crying, because even though I knew this was going to happen, it still sucks.  The adjustment of not having my cell phone beep me with a message during the day, not kissing him anymore, etc. I told him I've known this was coming for a few months, but he claimed to not have know & he said he understood why I felt neglected by him and he 'feels bad' for it.

I know he'll be fine because he is a man...and when he broke up with his last girlfriend he & I started sleeping together a month after, while i know he loved her for a while longer...he still moved on fairly quickly. And for the last year and a half he has been all about himself, he only saw me when it was convenient for him, we had sex the way he liked it, we really only went out for sushi because that was his favorite, and we watched sports because that is what he liked.  Everything was about him. And I am still not sure he really loved me, even though he claims he did - maybe in his way.

But it is good we finally had this talk because now I can meet my future husband.  I'll pray to St. Anne and light a candle and  hopefully I'll meet my future husband soon.  I feel like I've learned all my love lessons, it time that the higher powers reward me with a very happy love/life.

Here's to moving on!

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